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1
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# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,727 --> 00:00:08,878
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,287 --> 00:00:12,484
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,767 --> 00:00:15,839
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,167 --> 00:00:20,365
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,447 --> 00:00:23,803
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:23,887 --> 00:00:27,357
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
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# One foot in the grave #
9
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(RAIN PATTERING)
10
00:00:43,127 --> 00:00:46,483
Well, that's that over for another year
11
00:00:47,287 --> 00:00:51,724
The joyous ritual of our annual pilgrimage
to see Great-Aunt Joyce
12
00:00:52,607 --> 00:00:56,156
It gets more like entering a mummy's tomb
every time we go there
13
00:00:56,247 --> 00:00:59,717
Is it my imagination or has it got cold in here?
14
00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:03,478
Still, these will be a real godsend, won't they?
15
00:01:04,127 --> 00:01:06,925
A pair of gloves with six fingers in each hand
16
00:01:09,487 --> 00:01:11,717
Trying to tell me I'd grow into them
17
00:01:13,647 --> 00:01:17,526
What's she gonna knit for me next time?
A balaclava with two heads?
18
00:01:18,327 --> 00:01:21,125
Yes Well, if you ever get to that age
19
00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:25,364
Oh! For the love of my
20
00:01:25,447 --> 00:01:26,562
What is it? What's
21
00:01:26,647 --> 00:01:29,844
Why did I open my bloody mouth!
22
00:01:30,847 --> 00:01:35,637
Why did I even think it would be a good idea
to say it needed repapering!
23
00:01:35,767 --> 00:01:37,917
I must want my head testing
24
00:01:38,327 --> 00:01:40,079
Can't understand it
25
00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:43,165
Put enough paste on this to sink a battleship
26
00:01:44,087 --> 00:01:48,046
Slapping it here, there and everywhere,
like Charlie Drake in the Sistine Chapel
27
00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:51,119
What are we gonna do with this?
28
00:01:51,247 --> 00:01:53,966
Save it till we need a giant Elastoplast?
29
00:01:55,407 --> 00:01:59,400
There are some of those refuse bags in the shed
You'd better bring half a dozen
30
00:01:59,647 --> 00:02:01,080
(LIGHT SNORING)
31
00:02:11,327 --> 00:02:12,476
Look at that
32
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,444
Just slept right through it
33
00:02:15,847 --> 00:02:19,840
I'm telling you, if she has to spend
another night here, I may have to kill her
34
00:02:19,927 --> 00:02:21,246
I mean it
35
00:02:21,327 --> 00:02:24,444
Yes Well, she's had a lot of upset this last week
36
00:02:24,527 --> 00:02:26,677
I mean, you wouldn't like it
if your flat was flooded
37
00:02:26,767 --> 00:02:29,201
and you had nowhere else to stay
38
00:02:31,807 --> 00:02:33,035
Jean
39
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,076
Jean!
40
00:02:35,607 --> 00:02:37,996
Oh, for a stick of dynamite
41
00:02:38,207 --> 00:02:39,526
Jean!
42
00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:42,245
What's happened?
43
00:02:42,607 --> 00:02:44,359
Has there been an earthquake?
44
00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:47,405
No It's just Victor's paper's come down
45
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,285
Here, hang on a second
46
00:02:49,447 --> 00:02:54,805
Oh Oh, what a shame,
after all the work he put into it this morning
47
00:02:55,567 --> 00:02:57,239
Oh, is it so late already?
48
00:02:58,647 --> 00:03:02,162
Those antihistamines are making me
a bit dopey I think
49
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,081
Yes
50
00:03:05,407 --> 00:03:08,763
Anyway, you have a nice time over there?
51
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:12,397
-How was she?
-Yeah Well, same as usual
52
00:03:13,207 --> 00:03:15,198
Where have the curtains gone?
53
00:03:15,287 --> 00:03:17,960
Oh, yes
I took them down to the dry cleaners for you
54
00:03:18,047 --> 00:03:20,436
And the ones in the front bedroom
55
00:03:20,607 --> 00:03:22,882
Talk about long overdue for a wash
56
00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:28,156
Did they come to take that picture back?
57
00:03:28,967 --> 00:03:30,036
Picture?
58
00:03:31,007 --> 00:03:35,239
The enlargement we had done at the photo shop
that went horribly wrong
59
00:03:35,327 --> 00:03:39,798
-They said they'd pick it up about 4:00
-Oh, yes, yes I remember now, yes
60
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,206
No, they didn't
61
00:03:44,247 --> 00:03:47,796
Unless it was them at the front door
when I was in the bath
62
00:03:48,207 --> 00:03:49,925
About 4:00 time
63
00:03:51,207 --> 00:03:53,801
Oh, and I turned off the central heating
64
00:03:54,007 --> 00:03:57,602
I didn't think it was helping Nicky's tummy bug
65
00:03:59,047 --> 00:04:00,036
Wasn't it?
66
00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:03,921
No, according to my book,
it's not very good for cockatiels
67
00:04:04,007 --> 00:04:06,475
Too much hot air with no moisture
68
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:12,119
No, quite good for drying out wallpaper possibly,
but not for his little tummy
69
00:04:14,207 --> 00:04:17,677
Anyway, I better be getting on up now, then
70
00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:19,598
Take my face off
71
00:04:19,687 --> 00:04:21,643
See you in the morning, Margaret
72
00:04:21,807 --> 00:04:23,081
Night, Jean!
73
00:04:35,927 --> 00:04:40,523
Now she'll be in that bloody bathroom
for an hour and a half taking her face off
74
00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:45,322
With a bottle of hydrochloric acid,
we could do it in 1 0 seconds
75
00:04:47,007 --> 00:04:50,716
There's a lot worse than her
You've just got to have a bit of patience
76
00:04:53,127 --> 00:04:56,961
So, it seems to be doing the trick then, does it?
77
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,196
What's that?
78
00:04:58,287 --> 00:05:01,484
This, whatever it is that person does to your feet,
79
00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:04,161
that quack you've started going to
in Banbury Crescent
80
00:05:04,247 --> 00:05:08,798
She's not a quack It's called reflexology
It's a recognised science
81
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:14,246
She just stimulates different parts of your foot
and it reduces all your anxiety and stress
82
00:05:14,687 --> 00:05:16,245
You come away
83
00:05:16,327 --> 00:05:19,205
ready to cope with life's little problems
84
00:05:26,567 --> 00:05:28,239
It'll never last
85
00:05:30,047 --> 00:05:32,402
VICTOR: You cocky little bastard!
86
00:05:33,327 --> 00:05:35,045
(VICTOR YELLING)
87
00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,641
You know what you can do with it as well,
don't you?
88
00:05:37,767 --> 00:05:41,123
I don't care! What about my bloody marigolds?
89
00:06:01,167 --> 00:06:02,395
Morning
90
00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:05,957
Just thought I'd get some of the filth out
of these cupboards for you
91
00:06:07,007 --> 00:06:09,601
Well, I don't suppose you get the time, do you?
92
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:12,520
I mean, you couldn't hope
to keep this place spotless
93
00:06:12,607 --> 00:06:14,837
and I wouldn't expect it of you
94
00:06:14,927 --> 00:06:19,557
I take it there's still no news, then,
of when you could move back into your flat?
95
00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:20,716
Oh, no
96
00:06:20,807 --> 00:06:25,835
Well, obviously they can't start pumping it out
until the rains have let out
97
00:06:26,887 --> 00:06:27,876
No
98
00:06:30,087 --> 00:06:33,682
Oh, yes! Any time you like, matey!
99
00:06:33,847 --> 00:06:35,724
Whenever you like!
100
00:06:39,127 --> 00:06:40,401
Unbelievable
101
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:43,117
-Did you see what he'd done?
-Who?
102
00:06:43,207 --> 00:06:46,005
That chimney sweep working number 1 2
across the road
103
00:06:46,087 --> 00:06:48,840
He'd only stuck his van in our bloody front lawn
104
00:06:49,847 --> 00:06:52,407
I'll give him ''nowhere else to park''
105
00:06:52,487 --> 00:06:53,966
Cocky bastard
106
00:06:55,127 --> 00:06:59,040
He wasn't going to move it either
if I hadn't threatened to let his tyres down
107
00:06:59,687 --> 00:07:03,077
Sweep his chimney for him
next time he tries that lark
108
00:07:03,407 --> 00:07:06,683
Oh, is that this morning's local?
109
00:07:07,407 --> 00:07:11,685
''Exclusive Pics from MP's gay love nest''
110
00:07:12,127 --> 00:07:13,924
More rubbish they've dug up
111
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:18,157
Now then, now then, where are we
112
00:07:18,287 --> 00:07:21,324
I don't suppose for one second that they printed
113
00:07:21,967 --> 00:07:24,640
Oh, success
114
00:07:25,367 --> 00:07:28,643
-What? Is your letter in there, then?
-Yes
115
00:07:29,567 --> 00:07:35,039
Oh, can you believe this? Listen to this
116
00:07:36,087 --> 00:07:38,203
''On Monday night, I wrote to your paper
117
00:07:38,287 --> 00:07:41,438
''complaining about supermarket trolleys
in public lavatories
118
00:07:41,527 --> 00:07:44,519
''I was somewhat alarmed to find my letter signed
119
00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:48,606
''Polly the Penguin of
the Oswestry Park Bird Sanctuary
120
00:07:49,567 --> 00:07:53,037
''While elsewhere on the page
was a report incorrectly stating
121
00:07:53,127 --> 00:07:56,722
''that I'd just laid a five-pound egg
for the first time in captivity
122
00:07:57,967 --> 00:08:02,438
''Greater accuracy by your proofreaders
in future will be much appreciated''
123
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:04,200
Well, that's what you wrote, wasn't it?
124
00:08:04,287 --> 00:08:07,199
Yes, that's what I wrote,
but look what's underneath
125
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:13,362
''Yours sincerely, Mildred Herring,
1 3 Bolsover House, Hemlock Street''
126
00:08:16,207 --> 00:08:19,677
I mean, I don't believe
How do they make these mistakes?
127
00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,037
Who the hell's Mildred Herring?
128
00:08:23,967 --> 00:08:26,083
I think she's the editor, isn't she?
129
00:08:26,487 --> 00:08:28,443
Yes, look Up here
130
00:08:29,167 --> 00:08:33,683
''If you have any views about local matters
please send them to the editor,
131
00:08:33,767 --> 00:08:36,759
''Victor Meldrew, 1 9 River Bank''
132
00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:40,161
They've done it again Exactly the same thing
133
00:08:40,247 --> 00:08:41,680
Bloody paper
134
00:08:41,767 --> 00:08:46,124
I mean, how do they make these mistakes?
I don't know why I bother
135
00:08:46,287 --> 00:08:49,882
Oh! Oh! What in the name of bloody hell!
136
00:08:54,447 --> 00:08:57,996
-Leave it, Jean Don't touch it I'll do it
-Oh, oh, oh!
137
00:09:03,247 --> 00:09:06,717
I didn't know I still had this ruddy thing
138
00:09:07,007 --> 00:09:09,396
And the points are all rusty as
139
00:09:09,887 --> 00:09:11,605
When did you last have a tetanus?
140
00:09:12,887 --> 00:09:14,559
-Let me see
-Oh
141
00:09:15,047 --> 00:09:16,685
(VICTOR GROANING)
142
00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:25,320
Just stand there and don't panic
I think we've got some lint upstairs
143
00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:28,759
Don't panic
144
00:09:30,767 --> 00:09:33,679
Just when I was beginning to relax a bit as well
145
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,440
VICTOR: Oh, if it's not one thing, it's another
146
00:09:37,207 --> 00:09:40,438
So it's up to that bloody hospital now, I suppose
147
00:09:40,527 --> 00:09:42,757
Hang around there for three hours
148
00:09:48,007 --> 00:09:52,205
I mean, if you can't come down to breakfast
without getting a spike up your
149
00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:54,959
What in the name of God
150
00:09:55,047 --> 00:10:00,121
Oh, yes, how extremely side-splittingly funny
That's just about the level of your kind
151
00:10:17,647 --> 00:10:20,957
Morning, Mr Meldrew You need a map?
152
00:10:21,567 --> 00:10:22,556
Oh
153
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,155
No
154
00:10:25,927 --> 00:10:28,282
Bit of a maze at the moment, isn't it?
155
00:10:28,887 --> 00:10:31,447
Just up here getting a tetanus booster
156
00:10:32,527 --> 00:10:34,597
So, what about
157
00:10:35,447 --> 00:10:39,838
Oh, yes, fine thank you
Yes, I'm only in for an overnight, not before time
158
00:10:40,007 --> 00:10:43,124
My foreskin's been on the waiting list
nearly three years now
159
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:47,002
Has it? Yes, oh
160
00:10:47,087 --> 00:10:49,476
Terrible when you get stuck
in a bottleneck like that
161
00:10:51,567 --> 00:10:52,841
I beg your pardon?
162
00:10:52,927 --> 00:10:55,361
I wasn't sorry to see the back of it,
I don't mind saying
163
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:57,722
Actually, I'm glad I bumped into you,
164
00:10:57,807 --> 00:11:00,799
only we've got a bit of a do on
at home tomorrow night
165
00:11:00,887 --> 00:11:04,243
It's the annual knees-up of
the Dixon of Dock Green Appreciation Society
166
00:11:04,327 --> 00:11:08,445
and things can sometimes get a bit merry
round about 9:30
167
00:11:08,527 --> 00:11:13,999
So, do feel free to bang on the wall, won't you?
I'd hate to think we were causing a nuisance
168
00:11:14,087 --> 00:11:17,159
Ah, yes Well, I'm sure we shouldn't do that
169
00:11:17,247 --> 00:11:21,445
Anyway, better see if I can find
my way out now, I suppose
170
00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:24,280
And good luck with the other
171
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,959
Oh, thank you very much
172
00:11:26,047 --> 00:11:29,278
Can you see down the end
where they've taken all the plaster off?
173
00:11:30,247 --> 00:11:31,475
Hmm?
174
00:11:31,807 --> 00:11:34,480
Turn right there and you'll be out in the car park
175
00:11:37,727 --> 00:11:39,604
Oh, yes
176
00:11:40,127 --> 00:11:42,357
All right, thanks
177
00:11:45,327 --> 00:11:47,363
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
178
00:11:51,687 --> 00:11:54,997
Well, that was as clear as mud
179
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:59,721
Two and a half hours and I still haven't
the faintest idea what it was all about
180
00:12:00,727 --> 00:12:02,797
You can't beat a good mystery
181
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:09,442
Yes, but, I mean, who did it then, in the end?
182
00:12:14,007 --> 00:12:17,079
The short fat one with the ginger moustache
183
00:12:17,207 --> 00:12:18,879
How could it have been her?
184
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:25,359
She fell out of a helicopter halfway
through going over Cheddar Gorge
185
00:12:25,647 --> 00:12:29,162
Ah, but you never saw her hit the ground, did you?
186
00:12:29,247 --> 00:12:30,885
That's where they were clever
187
00:12:34,527 --> 00:12:38,122
VICTOR: Half the time you couldn't even work out
who they were meant to be
188
00:12:40,047 --> 00:12:43,198
And another thing, if that man
who looked like David Dimbleby
189
00:12:43,287 --> 00:12:45,243
was supposed to know who the killer was,
190
00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:49,115
why did he arrange to meet him
under a bridge at 3:30 in the morning?
191
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:52,844
And who was that dwarf in the bowler hat
192
00:12:52,927 --> 00:12:55,999
that came running through the woods
in slow motion?
193
00:12:56,087 --> 00:12:58,647
Never did find out what that was all about
194
00:12:59,607 --> 00:13:02,121
Ah, it's only a story
195
00:13:03,047 --> 00:13:07,723
Oh, are you going for another session
with your reflexologist tomorrow?
196
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:09,486
In Banbury Crescent?
197
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:11,603
Hmm, I was planning to, yes
198
00:13:11,687 --> 00:13:15,726
Only, I wondered
if you'd just pop by the flat for me
199
00:13:15,807 --> 00:13:18,275
and pick up a few clothes
200
00:13:18,607 --> 00:13:20,916
I've written a list out here
201
00:13:23,327 --> 00:13:25,477
-There we are
-Yes, I expect so
202
00:13:26,367 --> 00:13:30,042
How exactly does it work again, this treatment?
203
00:13:30,407 --> 00:13:33,797
I was wondering if I ought to book myself
a few sessions
204
00:13:33,887 --> 00:13:36,003
Well, there's nothing much to it really
205
00:13:36,087 --> 00:13:41,115
Just lie back and close your eyes
and you go off into a kind of trance
206
00:13:41,607 --> 00:13:47,045
Then she just manipulates different bits
of your feet with her little finger,
207
00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:50,802
and then 20 minutes later,
you come away and it's wonderful
208
00:13:51,127 --> 00:13:53,800
Feeling all relaxed and tickety
209
00:14:00,047 --> 00:14:04,279
Why did those detectives
ask David Dimbleby for his sperm?
210
00:14:06,847 --> 00:14:09,486
To eliminate him from their inquiries
211
00:14:11,527 --> 00:14:12,642
Oh, I see
212
00:14:13,247 --> 00:14:16,876
The police can use sperm now
as a way of fingerprinting people
213
00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:24,518
I don't see what was wrong with the old ink pads
214
00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:28,762
They used to serve the purpose
215
00:14:31,927 --> 00:14:34,964
How is Nicky's tummy today?
Did you take him up to the bird hospital?
216
00:14:35,047 --> 00:14:38,562
Yes They put him on to some antibiotic millet,
217
00:14:38,647 --> 00:14:40,956
which is supposed to be very good
218
00:14:44,447 --> 00:14:46,119
This is nice
219
00:14:46,207 --> 00:14:49,324
Not that I can taste it with my allergy of course
220
00:14:50,127 --> 00:14:51,924
Might be absolutely horrible
221
00:14:54,607 --> 00:14:57,075
But I'm sure it's really delicious
222
00:15:00,607 --> 00:15:03,963
So, whose head was that in the fridge?
223
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:07,796
That never fitted into the plot, either,
as far as I could see
224
00:15:07,887 --> 00:15:10,526
That was her boyfriend, wasn't it?
225
00:15:10,607 --> 00:15:12,518
So who killed him, then?
226
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:13,722
Nobody
227
00:15:13,807 --> 00:15:16,321
I thought he was supposed to have
committed suicide
228
00:15:18,127 --> 00:15:20,766
What, and then stuck his own head in the fridge?
229
00:15:22,887 --> 00:15:25,526
How on earth are you meant
to fathom these things out?
230
00:15:25,607 --> 00:15:29,566
I mean, you say it's just a story
but there's got to be some point to it all
231
00:15:29,647 --> 00:15:33,162
I mean, you can't just have
a lot of weird things all happening for no reason
232
00:15:33,247 --> 00:15:34,600
Why not?
233
00:15:36,807 --> 00:15:41,927
Well, because Otherwise nothing that happens
would make any sense
234
00:15:43,407 --> 00:15:44,396
No
235
00:17:00,607 --> 00:17:01,960
(DUCK QUACKING)
236
00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:22,766
''Dear editor,
237
00:17:22,847 --> 00:17:26,920
''I wonder if through your columns I might express
238
00:17:27,007 --> 00:17:30,158
''my concern about several loose paving slabs
239
00:17:30,247 --> 00:17:33,762
''outside the off-licence in Gosport Terrace''
240
00:17:34,327 --> 00:17:36,318
Oh, yes, I agree with that one
241
00:17:37,007 --> 00:17:39,521
I wish I was the editor of that thing
242
00:17:40,487 --> 00:17:43,718
There's a few letters I'd print in it straightaway,
I'll tell you
243
00:17:44,727 --> 00:17:50,916
''Dear Mr Meldrew, I was utterly appalled
by your front page article this week
244
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:56,683
''featuring photos of our local MP and his partner
245
00:17:56,847 --> 00:17:59,236
''taken through a bedroom window
246
00:17:59,327 --> 00:18:02,922
''There is no justification
for this blatant invasion of privacy''
247
00:18:03,407 --> 00:18:06,240
Oh, yes, a lot of letters about that one
248
00:18:07,047 --> 00:18:10,483
When you cleaned this cage out this morning
249
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:11,636
Yes?
250
00:18:11,727 --> 00:18:14,560
Are you sure you closed the door properly?
251
00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,524
Why, what are you
252
00:18:17,687 --> 00:18:18,915
Oh, my God!
253
00:18:19,007 --> 00:18:20,918
Oh, Nicky
254
00:18:21,007 --> 00:18:22,156
Nicky!
255
00:18:22,247 --> 00:18:23,726
Where is he?
256
00:18:24,567 --> 00:18:28,401
Oh, my God! I knew this would happen some day
257
00:18:28,487 --> 00:18:30,045
-Oh, where are you, Nicky?
-No, no
258
00:18:30,127 --> 00:18:33,119
Now, keep calm, Mrs Warboys
We don't know he fled
259
00:18:33,207 --> 00:18:34,606
Mrs Warboys!
260
00:18:35,767 --> 00:18:38,201
No, Mrs Warboys I'm sorry but no
261
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,961
I just thought I saw something
fluttering up there
262
00:18:41,047 --> 00:18:42,639
I'm not climbing up another bloody tree
263
00:18:42,727 --> 00:18:45,605
just to bring down
a piece of soggy white toilet paper
264
00:18:45,687 --> 00:18:48,281
I mean, how did it get up there anyway?
265
00:18:49,687 --> 00:18:51,917
What if he's been eaten by a cat?
266
00:18:52,007 --> 00:18:54,043
Well, at least he'll be in the dry
267
00:18:54,127 --> 00:18:58,279
Can you just give me the keys so we can get
back indoors? I feel like a drowned rat
268
00:18:58,767 --> 00:19:00,359
Key, Mr Meldrew?
269
00:19:01,567 --> 00:19:05,879
This morning, you asked if you could
borrow my key for the day so you could
270
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:10,200
I left it on the hall table for you to
271
00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:16,721
Brilliant!
272
00:19:18,247 --> 00:19:21,557
-Margaret will be back soon
-Not for another hour, she won't
273
00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:24,676
I'm not staying here to freeze to death
274
00:19:35,047 --> 00:19:39,199
NICK: Dear, oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear
Sounds like a right old to-do, doesn't it?
275
00:19:39,287 --> 00:19:43,644
Anyway, now you're inside, you can get dried off
and come inside and join in the fun
276
00:19:44,247 --> 00:19:47,956
Everybody, this is Mr Meldrew from next door
277
00:19:48,047 --> 00:19:50,641
and his friend Mrs Warboys
278
00:19:50,727 --> 00:19:53,480
They've been looking for their cockatiel
and got locked out of the house,
279
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:55,046
if you can believe such a thing
280
00:19:55,127 --> 00:19:56,446
What do we say to them?
281
00:19:56,527 --> 00:19:57,721
Evening all
282
00:19:58,967 --> 00:20:03,802
Now, would either of you like a nice,
strong drop of whisky to warm yourselves up?
283
00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:06,481
Oh, yes, that wouldn't go amiss,
thank you very much
284
00:20:06,567 --> 00:20:10,321
No, no, no, you have to say,
''No, thank you, sir Not while I'm on duty''
285
00:20:10,407 --> 00:20:12,318
It's all just part of the silliness
286
00:20:12,407 --> 00:20:15,604
Mr Christmas, would you pop through
and put the kettle on again, will you?
287
00:20:15,687 --> 00:20:19,236
And now, Mr Partridge and Mr Gallimore,
if you'd both like to budge up,
288
00:20:19,327 --> 00:20:21,238
so that they can sit down
289
00:20:21,327 --> 00:20:23,841
There we are That's the ticket
290
00:20:24,007 --> 00:20:26,840
Oh, now, I don't know
if you're into party games at all,
291
00:20:27,007 --> 00:20:29,999
but we were just in the middle of
a bout of hangman,
292
00:20:30,127 --> 00:20:32,004
so do feel free to join in
293
00:20:32,087 --> 00:20:35,045
Now, whose go was
It was yours, Mr Gallimore, I think
294
00:20:36,007 --> 00:20:36,996
G
295
00:20:37,127 --> 00:20:40,039
No, no, I don't think he's going to make it, is he?
296
00:20:40,127 --> 00:20:42,766
Mr Meldrew, you care to have a stab at it at all?
297
00:21:17,847 --> 00:21:19,678
NICK: See you very soon
298
00:21:25,607 --> 00:21:27,916
Where have you been until this hour?
299
00:21:29,207 --> 00:21:31,641
God, 9:20
300
00:21:32,167 --> 00:21:33,964
I'm ready for a bath
301
00:21:34,327 --> 00:21:35,919
Is that this evening's local?
302
00:21:36,007 --> 00:21:39,556
Don't expect they've printed
that second correction yet
303
00:21:39,647 --> 00:21:42,115
I went for a drink with Meg after work
304
00:21:42,727 --> 00:21:46,242
-I did ring but, of course, there was no answer
-JEAN: Oh, you're back!
305
00:21:48,447 --> 00:21:50,165
Can you believe it?
306
00:21:50,687 --> 00:21:52,917
All the time we've been out searching for
307
00:21:53,007 --> 00:21:55,282
Oh, you little terror
308
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:58,525
We've been climbing up trees and everything
309
00:21:59,447 --> 00:22:02,245
Come along, let's get you upstairs
310
00:22:03,607 --> 00:22:06,599
My God!
311
00:22:09,087 --> 00:22:13,239
I feel as though I've been up the Amazon
and back today, I do straight
312
00:22:13,367 --> 00:22:14,356
Oh, yes
313
00:22:15,487 --> 00:22:18,957
The old tension coming on again, is it?
314
00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:25,435
I expect you need another session
with your reflexologist in Banbury Crescent
315
00:22:26,207 --> 00:22:29,916
Quite soothing, is it,
the treatment you get up there?
316
00:22:30,007 --> 00:22:31,235
Yes Why?
317
00:22:32,007 --> 00:22:34,919
As you're lying on a bed with your eyes closed,
318
00:22:35,007 --> 00:22:37,646
drifting into a trance
319
00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:42,398
Quite soothing as she runs her little finger
over your feet
320
00:22:42,607 --> 00:22:44,757
I told you, yes Why?
321
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,444
And you're quite sure, are you,
322
00:22:48,527 --> 00:22:51,200
that it's her little finger she's using?
323
00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:53,881
-Yes, of course What do you mean?
-Oh!
324
00:22:54,487 --> 00:22:56,717
Just something I read in here
325
00:22:57,447 --> 00:22:59,278
In this article
326
00:22:59,767 --> 00:23:03,726
on the growing problem of suburban prostitution
327
00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:08,045
I wonder if this strikes a chord at all
328
00:23:08,327 --> 00:23:13,685
''An interview with bored housewife Vicky, 32,
329
00:23:14,327 --> 00:23:17,763
''who entertains a wide variety of clients
330
00:23:17,887 --> 00:23:22,085
''behind the lace curtains of her bungalow
in Banbury Crescent
331
00:23:24,087 --> 00:23:28,558
'''I get all kinds coming round, young and old
332
00:23:29,047 --> 00:23:33,484
'''They all look normal but you'd be surprised
at the things they ask you to do
333
00:23:33,927 --> 00:23:38,682
'''One bloke likes me walking across
his back in high-heeled shoes
334
00:23:38,927 --> 00:23:41,805
'''Another, elderly gent,
335
00:23:41,887 --> 00:23:46,324
'''pays me just to stroke the soles
of his feet with my breasts
336
00:23:52,527 --> 00:23:55,200
'''I suppose it takes all sorts'''
337
00:23:56,647 --> 00:23:58,046
(STUTTERING)
338
00:23:58,127 --> 00:24:00,687
Just remind me, will you,
339
00:24:00,767 --> 00:24:03,964
how this all started in the first place?
340
00:24:04,727 --> 00:24:06,080
Hmm?
341
00:24:06,647 --> 00:24:10,765
Well, it was, uh, Big Jeff at the chip shop
342
00:24:11,127 --> 00:24:14,483
He said he went to this woman
who had a magic touch with feet
343
00:24:14,647 --> 00:24:19,243
And he got rid of all his stress and tension
and did I want her telephone number?
344
00:24:19,327 --> 00:24:24,321
So you went round and asked
if she would do the same for you
345
00:24:24,407 --> 00:24:25,806
as she did for him?
346
00:24:25,887 --> 00:24:28,526
Well, yes, I mean, I just
347
00:24:28,967 --> 00:24:31,242
I don't know what to say
348
00:24:31,407 --> 00:24:34,763
''Come away all relaxed and tickety''
349
00:24:36,607 --> 00:24:38,916
Five times you've
350
00:24:39,007 --> 00:24:42,636
But, I mean, where did I get the idea
that she was a reflexologist?
351
00:24:42,727 --> 00:24:45,958
Where do you get any of your ideas, Victor?
352
00:24:46,127 --> 00:24:48,721
You tell me, because I just
353
00:24:49,087 --> 00:24:50,076
I
354
00:24:50,167 --> 00:24:52,727
Nobody would believe it, would they?
355
00:24:52,807 --> 00:24:56,243
That someone could lie there
with a nipple between their toes
356
00:24:56,327 --> 00:24:58,363
and not even realise
357
00:24:58,847 --> 00:25:02,396
And you talk about things making sense!
358
00:25:04,047 --> 00:25:07,119
Well, I mean, I don't understand
359
00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:08,476
I mean, she just
360
00:25:08,567 --> 00:25:10,285
(EXCLAIMS)
361
00:25:10,487 --> 00:25:14,002
My punctures are giving me gyp again
362
00:25:14,087 --> 00:25:17,204
I suppose I'd better go
and put some ointment on them
363
00:25:17,447 --> 00:25:20,245
Look, Margaret, I'm
364
00:25:32,967 --> 00:25:37,916
Ah, well, that's a happy ending, isn't it?
365
00:25:38,007 --> 00:25:39,645
After all
366
00:25:41,407 --> 00:25:44,524
I wonder where he'd got to all that while
367
00:25:44,607 --> 00:25:48,122
I suppose it'll just have to remain
a mystery like a lot of
368
00:25:50,167 --> 00:25:53,239
-Oh, excuse me
-Not getting any better, then?
369
00:25:53,327 --> 00:25:55,636
-Sorry?
-Your hay fever
370
00:25:56,327 --> 00:25:58,636
Oh, no I'm fine with pollen
371
00:25:58,727 --> 00:26:00,797
That's not the problem at all
372
00:26:00,887 --> 00:26:03,321
It's the feathers that set me off
373
00:26:04,927 --> 00:26:06,326
Feathers?
374
00:26:06,407 --> 00:26:09,797
Yes, I've always been cursed with that
since I was a girl
375
00:26:10,487 --> 00:26:15,038
Then why on earth have you got a bird
as a pet if you're allergic to feathers?
376
00:26:16,527 --> 00:26:19,041
Never really thought about it like that
377
00:26:21,527 --> 00:26:25,042
The pleasure it gives me and the companionship
378
00:26:25,127 --> 00:26:27,118
are the important things
379
00:26:27,727 --> 00:26:31,925
Well, I mean,
you put up with all the misery, don't you?
380
00:26:32,607 --> 00:26:34,518
If it's something you love
381
00:26:41,207 --> 00:26:44,677
-You ready for a cup of tea?
-Oh, yes, Jean
382
00:26:44,767 --> 00:26:46,758
I could just do with that
383
00:26:56,167 --> 00:26:58,886
(MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
384
00:27:12,607 --> 00:27:14,279
Victor!
385
00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:18,599
What is it? I'll be down in just a second
as soon as I've done this
386
00:27:27,087 --> 00:27:31,080
MAN: In five Two
387
00:27:31,767 --> 00:27:35,316
Tonight, as the furore mounts over
a local newspaper's
388
00:27:35,407 --> 00:27:38,797
unwarranted intrusion into the privacy of its MP,
389
00:27:38,887 --> 00:27:42,960
we give the paper's editor, Victor Meldrew,
a taste of his own medicine
390
00:27:43,087 --> 00:27:47,558
We ask the question, ''You can dish it out
to others, but can you take it yourself?''
391
00:27:57,127 --> 00:28:00,278
# They say I might as well face the truth
392
00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:03,359
# That I am just too long in the tooth
393
00:28:04,047 --> 00:28:07,039
# I've started to deteriorate
394
00:28:07,367 --> 00:28:10,757
#And now I've passed my own sell-by date
395
00:28:11,087 --> 00:28:14,204
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
396
00:28:14,287 --> 00:28:17,643
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
397
00:28:17,727 --> 00:28:21,083
#And my old knees have started to knock
398
00:28:21,487 --> 00:28:24,638
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
399
00:28:24,847 --> 00:28:28,556
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
400
00:28:28,687 --> 00:28:32,396
# It's true that my body has seen better days
401
00:28:32,487 --> 00:28:36,002
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
402
00:28:36,167 --> 00:28:38,681
# One foot in the grave
403
00:28:39,687 --> 00:28:42,360
# One foot in the grave
404
00:28:43,087 --> 00:28:45,840
# One foot in the grave #
32582
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