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Translation and subtitles by
PEPPER & LALASPAIN
*** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***
2
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:16,904
Do not be afraid, child.
3
00:01:17,123 --> 00:01:19,200
You must be Harker's boy.
4
00:01:19,201 --> 00:01:20,800
Yes.
5
00:01:21,678 --> 00:01:24,336
Quincey, sir. Of course you are!
6
00:01:27,053 --> 00:01:29,031
The devil has returned.
7
00:01:29,570 --> 00:01:30,688
Van Helsing!
8
00:01:30,689 --> 00:01:34,046
Was delicious.
9
00:01:36,963 --> 00:01:42,038
Did you really think you
could flee to the Americas
10
00:01:42,238 --> 00:01:45,235
and I would not find you?
11
00:01:50,050 --> 00:01:51,647
Go to the house.
12
00:01:51,648 --> 00:01:56,083
House Harker... how delightful!
13
00:01:56,084 --> 00:01:57,501
I killed the last vampire.
14
00:01:57,502 --> 00:02:02,297
You may have killed Count Dracula,
but he was not the last.
15
00:02:02,298 --> 00:02:04,814
And there will be more.
16
00:02:04,815 --> 00:02:06,852
You do not have the Master's power...
17
00:02:06,853 --> 00:02:13,527
From the ashes and bone I devoured the
Master's skull and consumed his power.
18
00:02:13,826 --> 00:02:17,821
Now I... Am... The Master...
19
00:02:17,822 --> 00:02:21,539
I can't concentrate if you
keep mouthing my lines, Gerry.
20
00:02:21,778 --> 00:02:22,557
I'm not!
21
00:02:22,558 --> 00:02:24,336
Yeah... you are.
22
00:02:25,035 --> 00:02:26,193
Amateurs.
23
00:02:26,194 --> 00:02:32,087
But like I was saying... we
picture the house! It's 1912!
24
00:02:34,146 --> 00:02:37,102
Now that I have Dracula's power,
25
00:02:37,103 --> 00:02:41,877
I will turn you and your
family into vampires!
26
00:02:41,878 --> 00:02:45,833
A new legion of undead will rise!
27
00:02:45,834 --> 00:02:47,433
Never!
28
00:02:48,351 --> 00:02:49,950
Jonathan!
29
00:03:25,654 --> 00:03:27,971
And then the boy cries...
30
00:03:27,972 --> 00:03:28,690
Father!
31
00:03:28,691 --> 00:03:30,030
Quincy! No!
32
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:43,637
He pulled me too hard. Again.
33
00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:06,394
The lights dim.
34
00:04:07,792 --> 00:04:09,429
The lights dim.
35
00:04:09,430 --> 00:04:12,808
Yeah. Got it... Got it.
36
00:04:14,206 --> 00:04:15,864
And big finish.
37
00:04:16,035 --> 00:04:19,539
Before he died, our
great-great grandfather,
38
00:04:19,540 --> 00:04:21,537
Jonathan Harker, told his son
39
00:04:21,538 --> 00:04:24,614
to burn the bones of the last vampire.
40
00:04:24,615 --> 00:04:28,550
But... the boy chose to keep one piece.
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00:04:28,551 --> 00:04:31,407
The head of the monster.
42
00:04:31,408 --> 00:04:34,504
A skull of the first vampire.
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00:04:34,505 --> 00:04:40,758
The power to turn others
and create a legion of vampires.
44
00:04:40,759 --> 00:04:45,833
A reminder of that fateful night
and to stay vigilant
45
00:04:45,834 --> 00:04:51,828
and if the forces of evil
should ever rise again.
46
00:04:51,868 --> 00:04:52,946
Shit.
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00:04:52,947 --> 00:04:55,683
Applause... applause... applause!
48
00:04:55,684 --> 00:04:57,401
Mr. Harker...
49
00:04:57,402 --> 00:05:00,039
Call me Gerry. My dad was 'Mr. Harker.'
50
00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:02,238
Yes, and I am sorry for your...
51
00:05:02,657 --> 00:05:04,576
loss.
52
00:05:04,635 --> 00:05:07,751
But when the Leechwood
County Clerk's office
53
00:05:07,752 --> 00:05:12,007
granted you fifty thousand dollars
for property renovations...
54
00:05:12,008 --> 00:05:14,844
we never agreed to financing this...
55
00:05:14,845 --> 00:05:15,643
Masterpiece?
56
00:05:15,644 --> 00:05:20,558
It's a disaster piece!
Have you completely lost your mind?!
57
00:05:20,559 --> 00:05:23,339
That money was supposed
to make this home
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00:05:23,340 --> 00:05:26,312
a safe and suitable
historical landmark!
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00:05:26,313 --> 00:05:30,208
Not bankroll a god-awful
freak show about vampires!
60
00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:33,666
This house is a deathtrap!
61
00:05:34,945 --> 00:05:36,123
Broken glass.
62
00:05:36,124 --> 00:05:37,581
We're gonna fix that.
63
00:05:37,582 --> 00:05:40,338
What is this even attached to?!
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00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:41,477
Zip ties.
65
00:05:41,478 --> 00:05:43,275
This actually looks pretty good.
66
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:47,193
Well we did start the renovation!
Then Gerry came home.
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00:05:47,612 --> 00:05:51,387
Why is there a wood-chipper
at the top of the stairs?!
68
00:05:51,388 --> 00:05:53,245
Do you see any wood up here?
69
00:05:53,246 --> 00:05:53,805
Really?!
70
00:05:53,806 --> 00:05:54,685
Props for the show.
71
00:05:54,686 --> 00:05:56,043
You're using real wooden stakes?
72
00:05:56,044 --> 00:05:57,161
Those aren't real.
73
00:05:57,162 --> 00:05:58,801
Wait, those are real?!
74
00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:03,495
Why are their spices in the fuse-box?
75
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:05,475
I thought it was a spice rack.
76
00:06:06,454 --> 00:06:08,650
You can't latch the spice rack.
77
00:06:08,651 --> 00:06:12,027
A person could wander in off the streets
and find themselves on that stage.
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00:06:12,028 --> 00:06:14,704
If the cable was pulled at the wrong
moment, they could step out
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00:06:14,705 --> 00:06:17,681
without having any idea they're
about to be impaled in the throat!
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00:06:17,682 --> 00:06:19,259
Way ahead of you, lady.
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00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:21,977
Did it ever occur to you
that it could get stuck?!
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00:06:21,978 --> 00:06:24,355
Trust me this thing is safe!
83
00:06:26,853 --> 00:06:27,951
Is everyone okay?
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00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,070
You have one week.
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00:06:29,071 --> 00:06:32,226
One week to finish renovations and we
won't sue for misappropriation of funds.
86
00:06:32,227 --> 00:06:32,947
About the money.
87
00:06:32,948 --> 00:06:35,004
I mean look at the detail
of that background!
88
00:06:35,005 --> 00:06:36,322
It's like he's really there!
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00:06:36,323 --> 00:06:37,921
One week!
90
00:06:38,142 --> 00:06:39,739
And fix your damn door!
91
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:40,958
Wait!
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00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:43,096
You forgot your T-shirrrr...
93
00:06:43,996 --> 00:06:45,273
Got it!
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00:06:45,274 --> 00:06:46,909
If you cannot
reimburse the fifty
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00:06:46,910 --> 00:06:48,930
thousand, this property
will be condemned
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00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,089
and seized by the state.
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00:06:50,090 --> 00:06:53,365
And I'm afraid Leechwood
has very strict water usage hours.
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00:06:53,366 --> 00:06:57,242
So I'll be sure to add this to the fine.
Good day, gentlemen.
99
00:06:57,762 --> 00:07:00,160
You forgot your free T-shirt!
100
00:07:25,054 --> 00:07:25,734
We blew it.
101
00:07:25,735 --> 00:07:27,171
I fucking nailed it, man!
102
00:07:27,172 --> 00:07:29,349
You can't break character!
Not in the middle of a scene.
103
00:07:29,350 --> 00:07:31,767
Well you're the big Hollywood actor.
You play the vampire!
104
00:07:31,768 --> 00:07:33,346
No, it has to be a
Harker who tells the
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00:07:33,347 --> 00:07:35,123
story... and Charlie
does not want to do it!
106
00:07:35,124 --> 00:07:36,202
What about your sister then?
107
00:07:36,203 --> 00:07:38,400
No, Paige thinks this whole
thing is a bad idea.
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00:07:38,401 --> 00:07:39,200
Yeah, well it is.
109
00:07:39,201 --> 00:07:41,357
Dammit. Charlie was so
proud of making these.
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00:07:41,358 --> 00:07:44,449
That does it! You darn Harkers!
I warned ya
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00:07:44,450 --> 00:07:47,471
about that damn dog
shitting in my yard...
112
00:07:47,472 --> 00:07:49,709
Mavis, that is not our dog!
I keep telling you that...
113
00:07:49,710 --> 00:07:53,965
You Harkers are all alike!
Making a mess of everything.
114
00:07:54,765 --> 00:07:55,764
For the record, I'm not a Harker.
115
00:07:55,765 --> 00:07:59,079
Whoa whoa whoa... Mavis!
Leave those boys alone.
116
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:02,376
Shut your mouth, you old fart!
117
00:08:02,377 --> 00:08:06,314
Now you... clean it up!
118
00:08:08,771 --> 00:08:09,609
She didn't like the shirt?
119
00:08:09,610 --> 00:08:10,589
Nah, it's shit.
120
00:08:10,590 --> 00:08:12,506
Okay, from the top.
121
00:08:12,507 --> 00:08:14,804
No, no, no... I can't
be late for work again,
122
00:08:14,805 --> 00:08:17,201
because my manager will kill me, man,
because he's a psycho.
123
00:08:17,202 --> 00:08:20,638
Like a serial killer psycho, like I'm
gonna wake up in a trunk or something.
124
00:08:20,639 --> 00:08:23,115
But I don't give a shit!
Because he pays me.
125
00:08:23,116 --> 00:08:24,574
I don't even know why I help you guys.
126
00:08:24,575 --> 00:08:26,174
I'm back!
127
00:08:51,848 --> 00:08:54,364
Hey, Paige! Need any help with that?
128
00:08:54,365 --> 00:08:56,484
I'm good. Give Wayne a hand.
129
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:00,939
Aww, dadgummit!
130
00:09:00,978 --> 00:09:03,575
Man... thank you, Charlie.
131
00:09:03,576 --> 00:09:05,713
When are you gonna end it
with that dick socket?
132
00:09:05,714 --> 00:09:06,573
Real classy, Ned.
133
00:09:06,574 --> 00:09:08,570
I told you before, I
do not trust that guy.
134
00:09:08,571 --> 00:09:11,527
You don't trust my fiance...
the Sheriff?
135
00:09:11,528 --> 00:09:13,427
Your brothers hate him.
136
00:09:13,786 --> 00:09:15,483
They're humoring him.
137
00:09:15,484 --> 00:09:17,421
So I take it you're not
coming to the wedding?
138
00:09:17,422 --> 00:09:21,737
Well, actually I'm making you a
special gift for the big day.
139
00:09:21,738 --> 00:09:23,755
It's not a wood carving, is it?
140
00:09:23,756 --> 00:09:27,191
Yeah it's a wood carving!
Gerry loved the one I made for him...
141
00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:28,470
where is it, by the way?
142
00:09:28,471 --> 00:09:29,929
It was... stolen.
143
00:09:29,930 --> 00:09:31,587
Hey, stolen?! Why didn't you tell me?!
144
00:09:31,588 --> 00:09:33,885
How'd it go with the County Clerk?
145
00:09:33,886 --> 00:09:37,001
Did she 'have a bloody good
time' at House Harker?
146
00:09:37,002 --> 00:09:39,319
Shut up, Wayne! It was awful...
147
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,497
Awfully good. Awfully good.
148
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:42,017
Really?!
149
00:09:42,018 --> 00:09:45,473
I told you, Paige. People want
to hear about our family.
150
00:09:45,474 --> 00:09:47,692
Well, hope you boys are hungry.
151
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:50,927
Famished.
152
00:09:50,928 --> 00:09:52,466
I thought you were late for work.
153
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:54,644
Hey! Wanna take a ride in the squad car?
154
00:09:54,645 --> 00:09:56,082
Get you there in a jiffy! Whoop-whoop!
155
00:09:56,083 --> 00:09:57,980
We all know you're
a big shot now, Wayne,
156
00:09:57,981 --> 00:09:59,419
but I don't need your charity.
157
00:09:59,420 --> 00:10:01,278
Okay... okay.
158
00:10:02,677 --> 00:10:05,773
Hey! It looks like all your wood
carvings are selling like hot cakes!
159
00:10:05,774 --> 00:10:07,373
All gone!
160
00:10:13,386 --> 00:10:15,443
Okay! Okay! Okay!
161
00:10:15,444 --> 00:10:17,043
Ha ha!
162
00:10:52,027 --> 00:10:52,587
You're late, Morris.
163
00:10:52,588 --> 00:10:57,880
Sorry, Kevin. I
lost track of time, pal.
164
00:10:57,881 --> 00:11:00,200
Funny... we lost track of time too.
165
00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:02,076
Playing with our new toy.
166
00:11:02,077 --> 00:11:05,974
It slices and dices up to
twenty-two carvings in minutes.
167
00:11:06,353 --> 00:11:07,452
What?!
168
00:11:07,532 --> 00:11:11,247
No... no... NO!!
169
00:11:11,248 --> 00:11:13,904
We put all of your carvings
in the wood chipper.
170
00:11:13,905 --> 00:11:17,141
No!!
171
00:11:17,142 --> 00:11:20,338
You're fired, Morris. This should
be easy enough to carry home.
172
00:11:20,339 --> 00:11:24,913
Two years... two years of work
in a goddamn wood chipper!
173
00:11:24,914 --> 00:11:26,074
Get out!
174
00:11:32,347 --> 00:11:32,786
Potato...
175
00:11:32,787 --> 00:11:33,486
Fingers.
176
00:11:33,487 --> 00:11:36,762
No, you have to say, 'french fries' or
my 'potato' sounds stupid, so... Potato!
177
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:37,801
Open potato.
178
00:11:37,802 --> 00:11:38,800
Never mind.
179
00:11:38,801 --> 00:11:40,318
What the hell am I gonna do now, guys?!
180
00:11:40,319 --> 00:11:43,255
Wanna know what we're gonna do? Charlie,
can we fix the house in one week?
181
00:11:43,256 --> 00:11:43,895
No.
182
00:11:43,896 --> 00:11:46,752
Therefore our only shot is the show.
183
00:11:46,753 --> 00:11:49,149
The show? It's not gonna work, pal!
184
00:11:49,150 --> 00:11:50,967
People love vampire stuff!
185
00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:54,166
People love male models
that sparkle and pout.
186
00:11:54,425 --> 00:11:55,723
Gorgeous people.
187
00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:59,559
No one's scared of vampires anymore.
Thank those stupid Stacey Mendler books.
188
00:11:59,560 --> 00:12:03,355
The Nix County Necro has struck...
again.
189
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,753
Law Enforcement are baffled
as they have discovered
190
00:12:05,754 --> 00:12:09,910
five defiled bodies in
the Nix County area.
191
00:12:09,969 --> 00:12:13,864
Sheriff's Deputy Denny Green reminds
us that 'even if he kills you...
192
00:12:13,865 --> 00:12:16,322
you're still not safe.'
193
00:12:16,323 --> 00:12:17,481
And in other news...
194
00:12:17,482 --> 00:12:20,298
We should show them the
real vampire skull!
195
00:12:20,299 --> 00:12:21,517
What real vampire skull?
196
00:12:21,518 --> 00:12:23,077
This is a bad idea.
197
00:12:25,394 --> 00:12:27,571
Alas, poor Yorick!
198
00:12:29,010 --> 00:12:32,406
This is a bad idea!
199
00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:33,826
No, mine!
200
00:12:36,782 --> 00:12:38,841
Stop it!
201
00:13:00,399 --> 00:13:01,998
Charlie?
202
00:13:14,245 --> 00:13:15,564
Keep em coming, Bart.
203
00:13:17,202 --> 00:13:18,560
Can we have another?
204
00:13:18,561 --> 00:13:19,360
We'll have another.
205
00:13:19,361 --> 00:13:22,356
What is with the fucking pencil?
206
00:13:22,357 --> 00:13:24,434
When we were kids, he used
to talk to the walls.
207
00:13:24,435 --> 00:13:26,004
One day my Dad hands
him the pencil and
208
00:13:26,005 --> 00:13:28,250
says, "Use this to get
out your feelings."
209
00:13:28,251 --> 00:13:29,489
He took it literally.
210
00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:30,707
Like Asperger's?
211
00:13:30,708 --> 00:13:31,667
Who's getting burgers?
212
00:13:31,668 --> 00:13:33,744
Hey, kid... what's in the bag, kid?
213
00:13:33,745 --> 00:13:35,423
Look, dude! It's your movie!
214
00:13:35,424 --> 00:13:36,701
Hey, kid!
215
00:13:36,702 --> 00:13:38,719
Leave me alone! I'm
just going to school!
216
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,579
Leave me alone!
217
00:13:40,599 --> 00:13:45,153
"He was an outsider in a small town
with dreams of making it big."
218
00:13:45,154 --> 00:13:48,590
Your daddy was an accountant, dammit,
and you're gonna be one too!
219
00:13:48,591 --> 00:13:51,948
Your mother was right!
You're nothin' but an accountant!
220
00:13:52,027 --> 00:13:56,582
"Based on the true story of one
boy who defied the odds..."
221
00:13:56,583 --> 00:14:00,878
Twirl, baby. Twirl.
222
00:14:07,572 --> 00:14:11,128
"From the team who brought you...
Kazoo."
223
00:14:16,682 --> 00:14:18,839
"Twirl."
224
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,821
What a piece of shit!
225
00:14:22,497 --> 00:14:24,454
They might not be your demographic.
226
00:14:24,455 --> 00:14:25,633
Hey, Gerry...
227
00:14:25,634 --> 00:14:27,850
Twirl, baby! Twirl!
228
00:14:27,851 --> 00:14:30,148
Let's go. Let's go.
229
00:14:30,149 --> 00:14:34,405
Aw, come on! I love when
you guys come in here!
230
00:14:34,445 --> 00:14:39,660
Once people find out you're here,
they show up just to mess with you.
231
00:14:39,859 --> 00:14:42,596
Gives me a ton of business!
232
00:14:47,871 --> 00:14:51,447
You guys know I spent like six fucking
months learning how to twirl that thing.
233
00:14:51,448 --> 00:14:53,165
I thought it was gonna be a good movie.
234
00:14:53,166 --> 00:14:55,822
It was supposed to be the 'Billy
Elliot' of baton twirling films.
235
00:14:55,823 --> 00:15:00,100
It was a great movie! Do you know
how many little boys you touched?
236
00:15:00,219 --> 00:15:01,816
Their lives!
237
00:15:01,817 --> 00:15:04,014
Why does everyone in this
town hate us so much?
238
00:15:04,015 --> 00:15:05,694
They don't hate us.
239
00:15:07,552 --> 00:15:10,469
What? What?!
240
00:15:12,407 --> 00:15:13,944
I can't even... talk to you right now.
241
00:15:13,945 --> 00:15:15,303
Come on, they're jealous!
242
00:15:15,304 --> 00:15:15,763
No!
243
00:15:15,764 --> 00:15:18,560
I'm awesome. You're awesome.
Your sister is hot!
244
00:15:18,561 --> 00:15:20,160
Wait, what?
245
00:15:20,658 --> 00:15:22,336
She's beautiful!
246
00:15:22,337 --> 00:15:24,094
Come on, Gerry!
247
00:15:24,095 --> 00:15:27,491
She's been this whole town's
spank bank since she grew tits!
248
00:15:27,492 --> 00:15:29,469
Are you...?! My God.
249
00:15:29,470 --> 00:15:32,066
She is! She's beautiful!
That's disgusting. That's disgusting.
250
00:15:32,067 --> 00:15:34,324
Like a sister, Charlie. Like a sister!
251
00:15:34,325 --> 00:15:35,064
That makes it worse!
252
00:15:35,065 --> 00:15:36,901
Twirling is something they can
never take away from you.
253
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:38,480
Every single time you do
it, I get inspired...
254
00:15:38,481 --> 00:15:38,999
Charlie. Every single time
you do it, I get inspired...
255
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:39,078
Charlie.
256
00:15:39,079 --> 00:15:40,857
I mean the last time I was
sad, I just put on the movie...
257
00:15:40,858 --> 00:15:41,151
Charlie... Charlie! I lied, okay?!
I mean the
258
00:15:41,152 --> 00:15:41,582
last time I was sad, I
just put on the movie...
259
00:15:41,583 --> 00:15:44,755
Charlie... Charlie! I lied, okay?!
260
00:15:46,165 --> 00:15:47,963
I never learned how to twirl.
261
00:15:48,882 --> 00:15:50,599
I tried... I tried...
262
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,918
I just was too embarrassed to tell you.
263
00:15:53,297 --> 00:15:57,474
They hired a stunt-man, and
it was visual effects.
264
00:15:57,813 --> 00:15:59,472
Shit.
265
00:16:02,648 --> 00:16:04,447
Well now you've done it.
266
00:16:05,745 --> 00:16:09,880
The performance of your life!
That was amazing, Gerry! Wow.
267
00:16:09,881 --> 00:16:14,297
I believed him for a second there. He's
gonna be twirling till the day he dies!
268
00:16:14,596 --> 00:16:16,213
I'm going to watch every time.
269
00:16:16,214 --> 00:16:17,813
You fucker.
270
00:16:25,525 --> 00:16:27,184
Fuck, man!
271
00:16:30,101 --> 00:16:31,818
Did somebody leave the door open?
272
00:16:31,819 --> 00:16:32,717
Where's the fucking money?!
273
00:16:32,718 --> 00:16:33,596
Come on!
274
00:16:33,597 --> 00:16:34,516
Where's the fucking money?!
275
00:16:34,517 --> 00:16:36,114
You could not have picked
a worse day to rob us!
276
00:16:36,115 --> 00:16:38,671
You kidding me?! I saw the sign
outside, all this dusty old shit...
277
00:16:38,672 --> 00:16:39,870
I know this place is loaded!
278
00:16:39,871 --> 00:16:40,290
We're not...
279
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:41,852
Don't lie to me, fucking
Dopey, I'll paint
280
00:16:41,853 --> 00:16:43,306
your brains all over
this fucking wall!
281
00:16:43,307 --> 00:16:44,206
Might have a few quarters!
My credit cards are all in...
282
00:16:44,207 --> 00:16:44,741
Shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down!
Might have
283
00:16:44,742 --> 00:16:45,224
a few quarters! My credit
cards are all in...
284
00:16:45,225 --> 00:16:48,582
Shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down!
285
00:16:52,498 --> 00:16:54,215
It's the Nix County Necro!
286
00:16:54,216 --> 00:16:56,315
He's gonna kill us then fuck us!
287
00:16:57,793 --> 00:16:58,752
What do we got here, boys?
288
00:16:58,753 --> 00:17:01,388
That's just an ordinary box!
There's nothing in that box...
289
00:17:01,389 --> 00:17:03,207
We keep our money... in a box with...
290
00:17:03,727 --> 00:17:05,326
Smoother edges.
291
00:17:06,404 --> 00:17:09,422
What the fuck is this?
292
00:17:09,981 --> 00:17:11,660
That thing is freaky.
293
00:17:14,836 --> 00:17:16,894
What the fuck is that?!
294
00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:23,747
Ooh-ho-ho-hoo... What do we got here?
295
00:17:24,107 --> 00:17:25,864
There's a sign, pal.
296
00:17:25,865 --> 00:17:29,581
This sign? The 'do not pull' sign?!
297
00:17:29,702 --> 00:17:33,416
What, are you running some kind of
freaky-deeky kinky sex show here?!
298
00:17:33,417 --> 00:17:36,293
It's a family show! It's sort
of a tourist attraction!
299
00:17:36,294 --> 00:17:37,572
Bout what?
300
00:17:37,573 --> 00:17:39,692
Vampires.
301
00:17:39,731 --> 00:17:42,987
Vampires?
What, are you guys con artists?
302
00:17:42,988 --> 00:17:45,244
You dupe people to come in here
and believe this dogshit?!
303
00:17:45,245 --> 00:17:48,301
Hey! You cannot just come in here
and make fun of their beliefs.
304
00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:49,580
No, Ned, it's okay.
305
00:17:49,581 --> 00:17:52,738
I got this!
Now I may not believe in this...
306
00:17:53,018 --> 00:17:56,373
a person could wander in off the streets
and find themselves on that stage...
307
00:17:56,374 --> 00:17:58,831
if the cable was pulled at the wrong
moment, they could step out
308
00:17:58,832 --> 00:18:01,648
without having any idea they're
about to be impaled in the...
309
00:18:01,649 --> 00:18:03,646
Shhh! Now I may not believe
in this vampire stuff...
310
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,124
I said shut the fuck up.
But these assholes do...
311
00:18:05,125 --> 00:18:06,681
and they are my assholes!
312
00:18:06,681 --> 00:18:10,252
I said... shut the fuck up!
313
00:18:13,857 --> 00:18:17,912
No, no, no!
Don't pull it! Leave it in! Leave it in!
314
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,062
You okay, pal?
315
00:18:37,933 --> 00:18:39,051
That could've been me!!
316
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:40,969
We're in trouble!
Dad was right! It is dangerous!
317
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:43,926
I'm pretty sure it was cause that
fuckhead yanked on the cable!
318
00:18:43,927 --> 00:18:45,844
There is a sign!
319
00:18:45,845 --> 00:18:48,022
Whoa, what're you doing, man?!
We can't call the cops!
320
00:18:48,023 --> 00:18:48,722
But Wayne!
321
00:18:48,723 --> 00:18:50,897
Sure, he'll bail you
two out, but he knows
322
00:18:50,898 --> 00:18:52,957
I'm his only
competition for Paige!
323
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:56,313
I'm not spending the next five years
getting my turd-cutter tongue punched
324
00:18:56,314 --> 00:18:59,590
by a cellmate named daddy
with a straw doll collection!
325
00:18:59,591 --> 00:19:02,827
You guys, this was not our fault!
It was an accident!
326
00:19:02,828 --> 00:19:04,745
Actually, the official
citation from the County Clerk
327
00:19:04,746 --> 00:19:06,743
did say something like
this could happen.
328
00:19:06,744 --> 00:19:08,022
Something like this did happen!
329
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:10,380
Could this day get any worse?!
330
00:19:33,837 --> 00:19:36,873
Dude, we can't use paper towels...
there is blood everywhere!
331
00:19:36,874 --> 00:19:37,792
Well, what then?!
332
00:19:37,793 --> 00:19:39,092
Got it!
333
00:19:42,688 --> 00:19:45,784
Charlie! Get something to wrap him in
and I'll pull around the car!
334
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:46,883
Vacuum, Ned.
335
00:19:46,884 --> 00:19:48,463
Aw, man.
336
00:20:14,936 --> 00:20:18,173
Come on. Come on!
337
00:20:20,330 --> 00:20:22,108
Yes!
338
00:20:24,466 --> 00:20:25,365
Walter!
339
00:20:25,366 --> 00:20:28,461
Those Harkers are up to something...
I know it!
340
00:20:28,462 --> 00:20:31,260
Dammit, Mavis! Leave them boys be.
341
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:36,654
Get over there now
or I'll smother you in your sleep!
342
00:20:36,894 --> 00:20:38,493
You would.
343
00:20:44,206 --> 00:20:45,664
Whoa.
344
00:20:45,665 --> 00:20:48,121
It looks pretty damn clean in here.
Good work.
345
00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,580
Well, you know.
346
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,240
Let's turn him over!
347
00:20:54,056 --> 00:20:55,894
I didn't know rigor
mortis set in so fast.
348
00:20:55,895 --> 00:20:56,654
It doesn't.
349
00:20:56,655 --> 00:20:58,671
Well he was on a lot of drugs.
350
00:20:58,672 --> 00:21:01,288
Man, if you could show
this to kids, and say look...
351
00:21:01,289 --> 00:21:02,888
Look what can happen!
352
00:21:03,427 --> 00:21:05,044
Hey, hey, Walter!
353
00:21:05,045 --> 00:21:09,260
Sorry to bother you, but you know
that soul-sucking succubus of a wife...?
354
00:21:09,261 --> 00:21:12,397
She literally threatened to kill me
if I didn't come over and find out
355
00:21:12,398 --> 00:21:14,175
what's going on with all the ruckus.
356
00:21:14,176 --> 00:21:15,933
Just sprucing the place up.
357
00:21:15,934 --> 00:21:17,741
You know I heard about what happened.
358
00:21:17,933 --> 00:21:19,090
Yeah. The County Clerk.
359
00:21:19,091 --> 00:21:20,549
Yeah! Yeah, yeah...
360
00:21:20,550 --> 00:21:21,768
You need any help?
361
00:21:21,769 --> 00:21:23,488
No, no, no... we're fine.
362
00:21:24,626 --> 00:21:27,202
That's a damn shame about
your father's passing.
363
00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:30,379
He did such a fine job of
raising you kiddos on his own.
364
00:21:30,380 --> 00:21:33,098
I never knew your mother,
but she was a...
365
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:37,094
handsome woman.
366
00:21:38,132 --> 00:21:39,610
Yeah.
367
00:21:39,611 --> 00:21:41,208
How you boys holding up?
368
00:21:41,209 --> 00:21:42,427
We're fine!
369
00:21:42,428 --> 00:21:46,924
Well... if you need anything,
I'll probably be murdered by my wife.
370
00:21:47,403 --> 00:21:49,002
Goodnight.
371
00:21:50,340 --> 00:21:51,398
Ned.
372
00:21:51,399 --> 00:21:52,998
Walter.
373
00:22:24,706 --> 00:22:27,562
Let's dump it right here. Come on.
374
00:22:37,952 --> 00:22:39,631
Where do you think it goes?
375
00:22:40,630 --> 00:22:42,567
Probably Lake Superior.
376
00:22:42,768 --> 00:22:43,727
This isn't going to work.
377
00:22:43,728 --> 00:22:46,203
Charlie... it's gonna work!
378
00:22:46,204 --> 00:22:49,222
I saw it on an episode
of Unsolved Mysteries.
379
00:22:50,540 --> 00:22:52,017
Hello...
380
00:22:52,018 --> 00:22:53,957
'Unsolved.'
381
00:22:54,436 --> 00:22:57,632
At least we know the body is
gonna be far away from here. Come on.
382
00:23:13,916 --> 00:23:15,815
Hey, Kip?
383
00:23:16,014 --> 00:23:17,713
Yeah, Denny?
384
00:23:20,610 --> 00:23:22,367
Found a body.
385
00:23:29,661 --> 00:23:31,839
You guys are up early.
386
00:23:31,898 --> 00:23:34,655
Or you never went to bed.
Long night?
387
00:23:34,656 --> 00:23:37,492
How... how... how was your night?
388
00:23:37,493 --> 00:23:39,931
It was... fine.
389
00:23:39,990 --> 00:23:42,527
We just... watched TV.
Cuddled on the couch.
390
00:23:42,528 --> 00:23:45,865
Twirl was on, so we watched
my brother the superstar.
391
00:23:46,863 --> 00:23:48,941
Heard you boys got into
some trouble last night.
392
00:23:51,139 --> 00:23:52,737
Hey! Hey, hey...
393
00:23:52,738 --> 00:23:55,434
Those boneheads at the
tavern giving you guys guff?
394
00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:58,830
Look, what they don't
understand is that.
395
00:23:58,831 --> 00:24:02,846
Twirl is like the 'October
Sky' of baton twirling movies.
396
00:24:02,847 --> 00:24:04,844
All right? Cheer up.
397
00:24:04,845 --> 00:24:07,442
Hey, Sheriff?
You're gonna want to come and see this.
398
00:24:07,443 --> 00:24:08,641
Copy.
399
00:24:08,642 --> 00:24:09,341
I gotta go, babe.
400
00:24:09,342 --> 00:24:12,219
Okay... see you later. Bye.
I know, sorry.
401
00:24:12,518 --> 00:24:14,936
All right! See you guys!
402
00:24:16,614 --> 00:24:19,849
Well I'm off to go yawn a
big bright chunky rainbow.
403
00:24:19,850 --> 00:24:21,849
I'm gonna... pay the...
404
00:24:23,158 --> 00:24:24,057
What's going on?
405
00:24:24,058 --> 00:24:24,816
Nothing.
406
00:24:24,817 --> 00:24:27,355
What are you not telling me?
407
00:24:30,791 --> 00:24:32,390
No.
408
00:24:36,465 --> 00:24:39,742
You're okay. You just had a little fall.
409
00:24:43,718 --> 00:24:46,194
He's fine... he just rolled off...
410
00:24:46,195 --> 00:24:49,072
I don't know. Looks
pretty scuffed up to me.
411
00:24:49,073 --> 00:24:50,690
Maybe I should just use yours?
412
00:24:50,691 --> 00:24:52,228
No... that's... I...
413
00:24:52,229 --> 00:24:55,247
That's...
Spit it out, special ed!
414
00:24:56,066 --> 00:24:57,123
Nothing?
415
00:24:57,124 --> 00:24:59,422
Well maybe I will use your pencil then.
416
00:25:00,741 --> 00:25:03,297
No! No, please don't... give it back!
417
00:25:03,298 --> 00:25:06,934
No? Don't give you the pencil back?!
Okay, I'll keep it then!
418
00:25:06,935 --> 00:25:09,052
Hey, dipshit's pencil. I'm Chad.
419
00:25:09,053 --> 00:25:11,369
And I'm gonna pay my bill with you
and then snap you in half
420
00:25:11,370 --> 00:25:14,506
to teach your special friend here that
you're just an inanimate fucking pencil!
421
00:25:14,507 --> 00:25:16,106
Chad Cheever?
422
00:25:17,005 --> 00:25:19,401
Quarterback for the
Leechwood Devils...?!
423
00:25:19,402 --> 00:25:20,381
Sup, Paige?
424
00:25:20,382 --> 00:25:22,518
How'd a chick like you wind
up in a family with him?
425
00:25:22,519 --> 00:25:24,116
He's not so bad.
426
00:25:24,117 --> 00:25:27,115
He's got his strengths...
not unlike yourself.
427
00:25:27,394 --> 00:25:29,473
Yeah you're not so bad yourself.
428
00:25:30,191 --> 00:25:33,447
I'm sure we can find something much
better to do with these hands of yours,
429
00:25:33,448 --> 00:25:35,087
don't you think?
430
00:25:35,106 --> 00:25:38,222
What'd you have in mind? Wouldn't
want to piss off the town Sheriff...
431
00:25:38,223 --> 00:25:40,262
That shouldn't be a problem for you.
432
00:25:40,841 --> 00:25:42,859
You're all muscle, right?
433
00:25:43,858 --> 00:25:45,335
And not much else.
434
00:25:45,336 --> 00:25:46,015
What?
435
00:25:46,016 --> 00:25:48,512
You see, Chad... I need
the whole package.
436
00:25:48,513 --> 00:25:53,049
And the word around town is that you
don't have much of a package at all.
437
00:25:53,489 --> 00:25:57,465
So unfortunately for you, it's a...
small town.
438
00:25:57,904 --> 00:25:59,421
What did you say, bitch?!
439
00:25:59,422 --> 00:26:00,760
What did you say to me?!
440
00:26:00,761 --> 00:26:02,258
Your family is such a freakshow!
441
00:26:02,259 --> 00:26:04,216
Hey, you don't know the first
thing about my family, asshole!
442
00:26:04,217 --> 00:26:04,997
Yeah?
443
00:26:04,998 --> 00:26:07,593
Retard... Faggot... and the
princess who thinks she's better
444
00:26:07,594 --> 00:26:10,191
because she happens to be mildly hot!
445
00:26:11,210 --> 00:26:12,248
What is wrong with you people?
446
00:26:12,249 --> 00:26:13,447
Fuck you, Chad!
447
00:26:13,448 --> 00:26:15,366
I might if you ask nicely.
448
00:26:18,482 --> 00:26:20,081
Chad Cheever!
449
00:26:21,599 --> 00:26:23,198
Go Devils!
450
00:26:25,136 --> 00:26:26,593
We're going to State!
451
00:26:26,594 --> 00:26:27,972
God, will you let go of me!?
452
00:26:27,973 --> 00:26:29,990
If I do, will you calm down?
453
00:26:29,991 --> 00:26:31,448
Let's just go.
454
00:26:31,449 --> 00:26:33,947
I can take care of myself.
455
00:26:35,485 --> 00:26:36,963
No you can't, Charlie!
456
00:26:36,964 --> 00:26:38,381
Are you kidding me?
457
00:26:38,382 --> 00:26:40,100
Then I should've just let
them break the pencil
458
00:26:40,101 --> 00:26:42,479
cause then you'd stop
acting like such a...
459
00:26:49,831 --> 00:26:53,248
Say it again! Say it again!
460
00:26:53,927 --> 00:26:55,524
What was I supposed to do?
461
00:26:55,525 --> 00:26:57,302
It's not like Charlie could
do anything about it.
462
00:26:57,303 --> 00:26:59,580
Yes he can, Paige.
463
00:26:59,581 --> 00:27:01,518
You just have to let him try.
464
00:27:01,519 --> 00:27:05,435
I'm the only girl in the world
who has to protect her big brother.
465
00:27:07,793 --> 00:27:09,230
He'll surprise you someday.
466
00:27:09,231 --> 00:27:12,389
Until he does... you better plan on
picking me up from detention.
467
00:27:12,428 --> 00:27:13,648
Every day.
468
00:27:17,223 --> 00:27:20,521
I'm sorry. Charlie, I'm
sorry, I didn't mean...
469
00:27:22,338 --> 00:27:23,937
Charlie!
470
00:27:29,891 --> 00:27:32,129
I feel like I missed something.
471
00:27:36,005 --> 00:27:37,182
Grabeste-Te!
472
00:27:37,183 --> 00:27:39,781
Unde îl îngropam?
473
00:27:40,300 --> 00:27:42,177
Bury?!
474
00:27:42,178 --> 00:27:45,156
No, this traitor we
feed to the wild dogs.
475
00:27:48,326 --> 00:27:52,868
Hahaha! Look! Haha!
Dog is hungry!
476
00:27:53,387 --> 00:27:55,626
Be bones by morning.
477
00:27:55,805 --> 00:27:59,362
Hahaha!
478
00:27:59,501 --> 00:28:04,036
Hey, doggy doggy... you hungry, doggy?
479
00:28:04,037 --> 00:28:08,193
Come on little doggy... time to eat...
480
00:28:12,628 --> 00:28:15,784
Tu Dracul! Strigoi!
481
00:28:21,559 --> 00:28:24,755
Whoa!...what is... that?!
482
00:28:24,756 --> 00:28:27,632
We've ID'ed him. It's that
killer who's been on the loose.
483
00:28:27,633 --> 00:28:31,088
He was just spotted less than
twelve hours ago outside of Leechwood.
484
00:28:31,089 --> 00:28:35,144
Decay around the lacerations show he's
only been dead a couple of hours.
485
00:28:35,145 --> 00:28:36,844
It's his blood...
486
00:28:37,004 --> 00:28:38,042
it's gone.
487
00:28:38,043 --> 00:28:38,862
What do you mean gone?
488
00:28:38,863 --> 00:28:41,558
Completely! Like something
just sucked it out of him!
489
00:28:41,559 --> 00:28:42,797
Like something came along and...
490
00:28:42,798 --> 00:28:44,795
All right, let me stop you
right there, okay, Gil?
491
00:28:44,796 --> 00:28:47,252
It's that kind of talk that causes
pandemonium in this town.
492
00:28:47,253 --> 00:28:50,509
The legends, the stories...
they really freak folks out. All right?
493
00:28:50,510 --> 00:28:53,286
Boys? Mums the word.
Let's keep your lips sealed.
494
00:28:53,287 --> 00:28:55,184
Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
495
00:28:55,185 --> 00:28:56,983
You too, Gil. Okay?
496
00:28:56,984 --> 00:29:00,188
Okay? Got it?
497
00:29:04,516 --> 00:29:05,854
Everything okay, Doc?
498
00:29:05,855 --> 00:29:06,754
Yeah, yeah... I'm fine.
499
00:29:06,755 --> 00:29:10,249
Hey, everyone knows about
the body they found this morning.
500
00:29:10,250 --> 00:29:11,768
I can't talk about it.
501
00:29:11,769 --> 00:29:12,608
Time to take the edge off?
502
00:29:12,609 --> 00:29:16,363
No, no... I'm sober now.
I've been through the 12-Step program...
503
00:29:16,364 --> 00:29:20,401
And here's to step 13.
504
00:29:25,656 --> 00:29:27,892
Something just chewed up his neck!
505
00:29:27,893 --> 00:29:30,109
I've seen animal attacks and this...
506
00:29:30,131 --> 00:29:34,160
No blood... and bitten right here!
507
00:29:35,425 --> 00:29:40,839
It was probably a drive-by! You know,
like one of those gang-bang thingies!
508
00:29:40,840 --> 00:29:42,677
If you're scared I can protect you.
509
00:29:42,678 --> 00:29:45,074
No thanks! Vampires are hot!
510
00:29:45,075 --> 00:29:46,853
Chad, I'm saving myself.
511
00:29:46,854 --> 00:29:50,269
Babe, it's vampires.
We gotta repopulate the Earth.
512
00:29:50,270 --> 00:29:52,947
How many people constitute a mob?
513
00:29:55,045 --> 00:29:57,682
Calm down! Calm down! Calm down!
514
00:29:57,683 --> 00:29:59,474
I'm hearing a lot of rumors...
515
00:29:59,474 --> 00:30:02,317
and any such talk of vampires,
well that's just plain silly!
516
00:30:02,318 --> 00:30:06,654
If there were vampires, those Harkers
would've said something about it, right?
517
00:30:08,232 --> 00:30:10,291
Dadgummit, Denny.
518
00:30:16,764 --> 00:30:18,442
Guys?
519
00:30:22,438 --> 00:30:23,876
Where do they come from?!
Have they been here the whole time?!
520
00:30:23,877 --> 00:30:26,654
How do we stop them?!
What are they, terrorists?
521
00:30:27,113 --> 00:30:30,309
You know, the body the
cops found this morning!
522
00:30:30,310 --> 00:30:31,388
Awful. Tragic.
523
00:30:31,389 --> 00:30:32,647
Always use the buddy system.
524
00:30:32,648 --> 00:30:34,605
Okay, guys! Guys! Please disperse!
525
00:30:34,606 --> 00:30:37,002
Everyone go home...
there's nothing to see here, okay?
526
00:30:37,003 --> 00:30:38,741
These guys don't know shit.
527
00:30:41,179 --> 00:30:42,397
Guys, I am so so sorry.
528
00:30:42,398 --> 00:30:43,556
I don't even know what's going on!
529
00:30:43,557 --> 00:30:45,914
It's okay, honey. We just found
a dead body this morning...
530
00:30:45,915 --> 00:30:49,070
neck was mangled, blood was
drained, had fang marks...
531
00:30:49,071 --> 00:30:50,449
People just get a little paranoid.
532
00:30:50,450 --> 00:30:52,907
See, this is why I was worried
about the whole show thing.
533
00:30:52,908 --> 00:30:56,763
Yeah, of course, vampires!
534
00:30:56,764 --> 00:31:00,159
We know a lot about vampires!
535
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:02,137
We were just... hey... come back!
536
00:31:02,138 --> 00:31:04,215
Solid, solid police work, Wayne.
537
00:31:04,216 --> 00:31:06,493
Send the whole town over
here to terrorize us!
538
00:31:06,494 --> 00:31:07,212
Good job, pal!
539
00:31:07,213 --> 00:31:08,092
Hey, Ned!
540
00:31:08,093 --> 00:31:12,227
No, no, honey. I am so sorry,
this is completely my fault.
541
00:31:12,228 --> 00:31:14,705
They just hear the word...
542
00:31:14,706 --> 00:31:18,143
and they think of your family.
Let's get inside.
543
00:31:25,515 --> 00:31:27,412
Wayne!
I can't believe I didn't think of it!
544
00:31:27,413 --> 00:31:28,771
How were we supposed to know?
545
00:31:28,772 --> 00:31:32,107
We dumped a dead body with a mutilated
neck drained of blood in the lake!
546
00:31:32,108 --> 00:31:33,806
Well when you say it like that...
547
00:31:33,807 --> 00:31:35,644
I knew it!
548
00:31:35,645 --> 00:31:36,484
Have you been here the...?
549
00:31:36,485 --> 00:31:39,180
The whole time, you sickos!
550
00:31:39,181 --> 00:31:41,378
Mavis, put down the gun! Please!
551
00:31:41,379 --> 00:31:44,894
This here gun is for my protection...
you murderers!
552
00:31:44,895 --> 00:31:47,991
I saw you the other night out my window.
553
00:31:47,992 --> 00:31:49,510
That? We were just...
554
00:31:49,511 --> 00:31:52,827
Get back in here and shut the fuck up!
555
00:31:52,828 --> 00:31:57,162
I know what you did,
I saw it with my own eyes!
556
00:31:57,163 --> 00:31:58,042
Mavis!
557
00:31:58,043 --> 00:31:59,340
Get over there! Both of you!
558
00:31:59,341 --> 00:32:00,300
They're good boys, just like their
daddy. Get over there! Both of you!
559
00:32:00,301 --> 00:32:01,738
They're good boys,
just like their daddy.
560
00:32:01,739 --> 00:32:06,872
These 'good' boys murdered that man
in cold blood and dumped his body!
561
00:32:06,873 --> 00:32:08,870
Mavis, please...
562
00:32:08,871 --> 00:32:12,787
You can all rot in hell...
the whole bunch of ya!
563
00:32:12,788 --> 00:32:14,125
I've had it!
564
00:32:14,126 --> 00:32:19,580
I'm turning you in...
and you Harkers will be done!
565
00:32:19,581 --> 00:32:24,616
You're finished! You're...
566
00:32:27,693 --> 00:32:29,332
Mavis?!
567
00:32:34,146 --> 00:32:35,745
She's dead.
568
00:32:36,004 --> 00:32:38,582
Why does this keep happening?!
569
00:32:41,779 --> 00:32:43,418
Boys...?
570
00:32:43,856 --> 00:32:45,495
We gotta talk.
571
00:32:48,072 --> 00:32:49,590
Well?
I think I'm gonna throw up.
572
00:32:49,591 --> 00:32:51,408
That's the craziest
idea I've ever heard.
573
00:32:51,409 --> 00:32:52,087
Definitely.
574
00:32:52,088 --> 00:32:53,006
I admire his candor.
575
00:32:53,007 --> 00:32:53,865
It would work.
576
00:32:53,866 --> 00:32:54,606
He's right.
577
00:32:54,607 --> 00:32:57,702
Guys, everyone in this town
hates us... we know that.
578
00:32:57,703 --> 00:32:59,600
But for a brief moment, they didn't.
579
00:32:59,601 --> 00:33:01,358
They were interested
in what we had to say.
580
00:33:01,359 --> 00:33:02,896
Which was nothing, apparently.
581
00:33:02,897 --> 00:33:04,455
But what if they did
believe in vampires?!
582
00:33:04,456 --> 00:33:05,095
Exactly.
583
00:33:05,096 --> 00:33:06,713
You don't even believe in vampires.
584
00:33:06,714 --> 00:33:07,792
You're right, I don't.
585
00:33:07,793 --> 00:33:10,629
But I believe people pay
good money to feel safe
586
00:33:10,630 --> 00:33:12,747
and I sure as hell know you
do not want to lose our house!
587
00:33:12,748 --> 00:33:13,367
Charlie?
588
00:33:13,368 --> 00:33:14,745
The probability of your plan's success
589
00:33:14,746 --> 00:33:17,262
isn't high enough to warrant
the desecration of your wife's body.
590
00:33:17,263 --> 00:33:18,461
She tried to kill us, dude!
591
00:33:18,462 --> 00:33:19,981
That's true.
592
00:33:21,938 --> 00:33:23,477
Work shed.
593
00:33:33,986 --> 00:33:34,785
Okay.
594
00:33:34,786 --> 00:33:36,323
I'm not gonna do it! You do it!
595
00:33:36,324 --> 00:33:37,642
You carve things all the time...
596
00:33:37,643 --> 00:33:40,241
I don't carve people with my chainsaw!
597
00:33:40,620 --> 00:33:43,497
I'd love to help you, but...
might get messy.
598
00:33:44,696 --> 00:33:46,295
Help.
599
00:33:46,714 --> 00:33:49,571
Now don't hesitate.
We don't want it to bind up.
600
00:33:59,820 --> 00:34:02,118
It's in my mouth!
601
00:34:04,076 --> 00:34:06,653
Gerry, why are we doing this?!
602
00:34:06,654 --> 00:34:08,411
It's a bad idea!
603
00:34:14,945 --> 00:34:16,724
One down!
604
00:34:29,191 --> 00:34:31,909
Yeah, that'll do it.
605
00:34:33,207 --> 00:34:34,906
Good job, buddy.
606
00:34:35,085 --> 00:34:36,984
I'll get the Shop Vac.
607
00:34:37,782 --> 00:34:40,960
All right, boys.
Here's the plan...
608
00:34:41,139 --> 00:34:44,415
After we lay her outside, I'll draw as
much attention as possible.
609
00:34:44,416 --> 00:34:48,131
You boys go out to the forest
and make yourselves dirty.
610
00:34:48,132 --> 00:34:51,248
I'll call 911 to set things in motion.
611
00:34:51,249 --> 00:34:54,525
And in less than 10 minutes
the news will show up.
612
00:34:54,526 --> 00:34:57,402
So once you see the lights...
make your way back.
613
00:34:57,403 --> 00:34:58,980
Can you tell us what
happened here tonight?
614
00:34:58,981 --> 00:35:02,598
It was a vampire!
615
00:35:04,775 --> 00:35:07,012
Don't worry... I'll make
believers out of all of them.
616
00:35:07,013 --> 00:35:10,369
Those were the ones who saved me!
617
00:35:11,449 --> 00:35:14,944
What was it? What was it?
618
00:35:14,945 --> 00:35:16,083
We chased it!
619
00:35:16,084 --> 00:35:17,043
We staked it!
620
00:35:17,044 --> 00:35:18,501
It got away.
621
00:35:18,502 --> 00:35:20,039
Vampires in Leechwood?
622
00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:22,257
You expect us to believe
this was a real vampire?!
623
00:35:22,258 --> 00:35:24,515
Of course it was a vampire!
624
00:35:24,516 --> 00:35:27,772
We could be dealing with a maniac
on the loose! Where's your proof?
625
00:35:29,531 --> 00:35:32,806
Fine! Fine! You want proof?!
We'll capture it...
626
00:35:32,807 --> 00:35:34,225
and we'll show it to you!
627
00:35:34,226 --> 00:35:37,821
Okay? We're gonna catch the vampire and
you can all see for yourselves! Okay?
628
00:35:37,822 --> 00:35:41,357
Right here! At House Harker! All right?!
629
00:35:41,358 --> 00:35:44,044
You heard it here first, ladies...
630
00:35:44,176 --> 00:35:45,973
Well that wasn't exactly
in the script, Gerry.
631
00:35:45,974 --> 00:35:47,639
It's beginning to feel
now like we drilled
632
00:35:47,640 --> 00:35:49,190
a hole in my wife's
neck for no reason!
633
00:35:49,191 --> 00:35:51,568
I know! I'm sorry... I'm sorry!
I panicked!
634
00:35:51,569 --> 00:35:53,885
Prove it... How are we
going to prove it, Gerry?!
635
00:35:53,886 --> 00:35:56,974
We show them the real vampire skull.
636
00:35:56,975 --> 00:36:00,706
- Where's the real vampire skull?
- I'm sorry, Gerry. We hid it.
637
00:36:00,707 --> 00:36:03,215
From me? Why?!
638
00:36:03,216 --> 00:36:04,853
We're going to lose the house, Charlie!
639
00:36:04,854 --> 00:36:06,791
We had to. I'm sorry.
640
00:36:06,792 --> 00:36:08,769
Your father said that
the skull was cursed.
641
00:36:08,770 --> 00:36:09,769
Wait, you've seen it?
642
00:36:09,770 --> 00:36:13,145
Yeah. I'm no stranger to
the forces of darkness, fellas.
643
00:36:13,146 --> 00:36:16,801
I mean when I first met your pops...
I was still a Priest.
644
00:36:16,802 --> 00:36:20,018
Where do you think I learned on
how to handle the situation with Mavis?
645
00:36:20,019 --> 00:36:23,594
I mean, misdirection of information
is the church's specialty.
646
00:36:23,595 --> 00:36:25,073
Makes sense.
647
00:36:25,074 --> 00:36:26,651
I mean it was ages ago.
648
00:36:26,652 --> 00:36:30,489
But I used to handle exorcisms,
demonic possessions... you name it!
649
00:36:46,222 --> 00:36:50,268
Our Father, who art in Heaven...
650
00:36:50,269 --> 00:36:53,686
NuqDaq-OH puchpa-e.
651
00:36:55,224 --> 00:36:57,534
The power of Christ compels you!
652
00:36:57,829 --> 00:36:59,939
The power of Christ compels you!
653
00:37:00,298 --> 00:37:03,682
The power of Christ compels you!
654
00:37:12,546 --> 00:37:13,764
Fuck you!
655
00:37:13,765 --> 00:37:15,523
The power of Christ...
656
00:37:17,921 --> 00:37:19,599
Not so bad.
657
00:37:24,494 --> 00:37:28,130
You fucking moron!
658
00:37:28,930 --> 00:37:32,307
I cast you out, in the name of...
659
00:37:32,606 --> 00:37:34,845
Jesus Christ!
660
00:37:37,002 --> 00:37:39,740
Yeah... yeah...
661
00:37:39,879 --> 00:37:42,457
Can I get you something to drink?
662
00:37:44,994 --> 00:37:46,332
Really?!
663
00:37:46,333 --> 00:37:52,226
I have seen some stupid
fucking imbeciles, but...
664
00:37:52,227 --> 00:37:55,243
you are the worst!
665
00:37:55,244 --> 00:37:59,239
A person can only be yelled at
and puked on so many times
666
00:37:59,240 --> 00:38:01,698
by the spawn of Satan.
667
00:38:02,456 --> 00:38:06,053
I guess you could say... I just lost it.
668
00:38:06,872 --> 00:38:11,067
I had left the Priesthood.
I was lost. But then...
669
00:38:11,567 --> 00:38:14,543
Watch where you're going,
you pecker-head!
670
00:38:14,544 --> 00:38:16,202
You damn near killed me!
671
00:38:16,203 --> 00:38:21,258
Why, I've met some morons in my day...
pick up my damn groceries!
672
00:38:21,258 --> 00:38:24,855
I'd spent my entire life
getting yelled at by demons.
673
00:38:24,974 --> 00:38:27,011
I guess I sort of missed it.
674
00:38:27,012 --> 00:38:29,728
What the hell are you looking at?!
675
00:38:29,729 --> 00:38:32,246
Man... your breath smells!
676
00:38:32,247 --> 00:38:34,463
Your hair looks like a dog cut it!
677
00:38:34,464 --> 00:38:37,061
I couldn't even stand looking
at you everyday of my life...
678
00:38:37,062 --> 00:38:39,578
I'd shoot myself in the face.
679
00:38:39,579 --> 00:38:42,775
Golly... I would never want to
be a part of your life!
680
00:38:42,776 --> 00:38:44,622
All those years we were
together, I figured
681
00:38:44,623 --> 00:38:47,071
she was just probably
possessed by a demon.
682
00:38:48,330 --> 00:38:50,327
Sorry to interrupt story-time.
683
00:38:50,328 --> 00:38:51,486
Hey!
684
00:38:51,487 --> 00:38:53,086
Gerry, can I have a word?
685
00:38:54,245 --> 00:38:55,844
Sure.
686
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,158
What were you thinking?
687
00:39:00,159 --> 00:39:01,796
No such thing as bad publicity?
688
00:39:01,797 --> 00:39:03,015
This isn't a movie, Gerry...
It's our lives!
689
00:39:03,016 --> 00:39:04,554
This isn't a
movie, Gerry... It's our lives!
690
00:39:05,273 --> 00:39:06,872
Hang on.
691
00:39:13,745 --> 00:39:15,523
Shut-up!
692
00:39:20,558 --> 00:39:22,477
She seems pretty miffed!
693
00:39:23,555 --> 00:39:25,432
That is a nice one.
694
00:39:25,433 --> 00:39:26,872
That is...
695
00:39:28,570 --> 00:39:31,546
Hey, I was thinking that maybe you and
I could...
696
00:39:31,547 --> 00:39:32,986
have a little talk.
697
00:39:35,024 --> 00:39:36,583
It's just...
698
00:39:38,960 --> 00:39:41,097
I saw you that one time...
699
00:39:41,098 --> 00:39:43,894
she, she said that one...
700
00:39:46,832 --> 00:39:50,188
I'm gonna go check on Charlie. Okay?
701
00:39:50,189 --> 00:39:51,901
All right, good.
702
00:39:57,761 --> 00:40:00,377
It's bad enough that you
dragged Charlie into this sideshow,
703
00:40:00,378 --> 00:40:02,515
now you've got the evening news
waving a camera in his face!
704
00:40:02,516 --> 00:40:03,994
He's fine.
705
00:40:03,995 --> 00:40:05,472
You saw what happened at the diner.
706
00:40:05,473 --> 00:40:08,351
He still believes all the crazy stories.
707
00:40:08,370 --> 00:40:10,387
Everything Dad ever told him.
708
00:40:10,388 --> 00:40:13,085
All I'm trying to do
is give this shithole
709
00:40:13,086 --> 00:40:15,282
of a town a reason
to believe him.
710
00:40:15,283 --> 00:40:17,562
Would they pick on him then?
711
00:40:17,581 --> 00:40:19,558
No.
712
00:40:19,559 --> 00:40:22,415
They'd be sorry they
messed with the Harkers.
713
00:40:22,416 --> 00:40:23,696
Right?
714
00:40:26,282 --> 00:40:28,189
You always do this.
715
00:40:28,190 --> 00:40:30,327
You always make me feel like
you know what you're doing.
716
00:40:30,328 --> 00:40:33,386
And that's how I got my first part.
717
00:40:37,541 --> 00:40:39,318
I have an idea!
718
00:40:39,319 --> 00:40:40,557
We kill Wayne!
719
00:40:40,558 --> 00:40:44,213
No! Proof?! They want proof...
720
00:40:44,214 --> 00:40:45,813
Hey...
721
00:40:46,172 --> 00:40:47,370
We hire an actor.
722
00:40:47,371 --> 00:40:48,489
All right I'll do it.
723
00:40:48,490 --> 00:40:49,588
Not you. Who?
724
00:40:49,589 --> 00:40:51,166
He played my coach in Twirl.
725
00:40:51,167 --> 00:40:53,624
He's kind of an arrogant
asshole, but he was good.
726
00:40:53,625 --> 00:40:56,821
Like, really good. Like Daniel-Day
Lewis level of commitment.
727
00:40:56,822 --> 00:40:57,681
Go on.
728
00:40:57,682 --> 00:41:00,757
People are coming here on
Friday night looking for a show.
729
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:02,835
We give them a show!
730
00:41:02,836 --> 00:41:05,252
And then we swoop in and save the day!
731
00:41:05,253 --> 00:41:06,093
The probability of...
732
00:41:06,094 --> 00:41:10,229
What choice do we have?
This is our Hail Mary pass!
733
00:41:10,288 --> 00:41:11,887
Amen!
734
00:41:11,907 --> 00:41:14,923
We are thrilled to welcome
Stacey Mendler...
735
00:41:14,924 --> 00:41:18,559
best-selling author of the
'Succulent' book series.
736
00:41:18,560 --> 00:41:22,755
Now, Ms. Mendler, you've captivated
millions by taking this violent,
737
00:41:22,756 --> 00:41:28,389
horrific monster and turning it into
a sensitive, sexy, sparkling hero.
738
00:41:28,390 --> 00:41:31,226
What inspired you to
reinvent this creature?
739
00:41:31,227 --> 00:41:33,226
Okay, well first of
all, they're not
740
00:41:33,227 --> 00:41:35,822
creatures... they're just
misunderstood people.
741
00:41:35,823 --> 00:41:39,298
I mean someone had to tell
their side of the story.
742
00:41:39,299 --> 00:41:41,057
I've just brought the humanity back.
743
00:41:41,058 --> 00:41:44,312
As you may have heard, we
recently made national
744
00:41:44,313 --> 00:41:47,170
news with two alleged
'vampire attacks'...
745
00:41:47,171 --> 00:41:49,548
But this behavior is in
stark contrast to the
746
00:41:49,549 --> 00:41:53,104
misunderstood and loving
people that you write about.
747
00:41:53,105 --> 00:41:54,623
Would you care to comment?
748
00:41:54,624 --> 00:41:55,802
Let me be clear.
749
00:41:55,803 --> 00:41:58,959
Whoever is staging this hoax
are low-down con artists
750
00:41:58,960 --> 00:42:00,597
looking to make a quick buck.
751
00:42:00,598 --> 00:42:03,814
This insensitivity and, I'm
sorry, flat out racism
752
00:42:03,815 --> 00:42:05,792
towards vampires is sickening.
753
00:42:05,793 --> 00:42:07,530
I've got news for them...
754
00:42:07,531 --> 00:42:10,727
My book tour was never
coming to Leechwood.
755
00:42:10,728 --> 00:42:12,327
Now it is.
756
00:42:20,638 --> 00:42:21,736
So you'll do it?
757
00:42:21,737 --> 00:42:23,734
A thousand bucks. Non-negotiable.
758
00:42:23,735 --> 00:42:24,753
Eight-hundred.
759
00:42:24,754 --> 00:42:25,792
Done.
760
00:42:25,793 --> 00:42:26,991
I'm sure it'll be worth it!
761
00:42:26,992 --> 00:42:29,808
Are you kidding me? After I
transform, I'll be the character.
762
00:42:29,809 --> 00:42:32,545
The make-up, the hair... I'll be the
scariest thing you've ever seen.
763
00:42:32,546 --> 00:42:35,983
Thanks again, Tanner! So
good to catch up after...
764
00:42:40,778 --> 00:42:42,636
You got eight hundred bucks?
765
00:43:03,515 --> 00:43:04,254
What d'ya think?!
766
00:43:04,255 --> 00:43:05,952
Sup, Nedward Scissorhands?
767
00:43:05,953 --> 00:43:06,952
Fuck off, Gerry.
768
00:43:06,953 --> 00:43:09,348
If we are gonna be vampire hunters...
we are gonna look good.
769
00:43:09,349 --> 00:43:11,388
I forgot the best part!
770
00:43:15,603 --> 00:43:16,661
How kickass is that?!
771
00:43:16,662 --> 00:43:18,259
Will that even work?
772
00:43:18,260 --> 00:43:21,757
It'll work.
Made something for you too, pal.
773
00:43:22,336 --> 00:43:24,035
It's a baton!
774
00:43:24,154 --> 00:43:25,632
Made out of wood!
775
00:43:25,633 --> 00:43:27,870
'Twirl, baby. Twirl.'
776
00:43:27,871 --> 00:43:28,989
Thanks, man?
777
00:43:28,990 --> 00:43:31,426
Come on!
You guys are not ruining this for me!
778
00:43:31,427 --> 00:43:34,684
I wore that stupid vampire
costume for your show!
779
00:43:35,063 --> 00:43:37,242
Your turn.
780
00:43:38,780 --> 00:43:41,236
I feel like the Robin
Hood of fetish porn.
781
00:43:41,237 --> 00:43:44,173
Vampires beware!
782
00:43:44,174 --> 00:43:46,251
You guys look like a bunch of dweebs.
783
00:43:46,252 --> 00:43:48,289
How are we on the live stream?
784
00:43:48,290 --> 00:43:50,327
You really think we can get
enough viewers to make any money?
785
00:43:50,328 --> 00:43:53,964
Even if we monetize, it's gonna take
millions of views. How many we got?
786
00:43:53,965 --> 00:43:55,382
Currently...? Four.
787
00:43:55,383 --> 00:43:56,982
All right.
788
00:43:59,319 --> 00:44:01,358
What's this bullshit?
789
00:44:01,856 --> 00:44:04,648
I need you on the door, Paige!
790
00:44:04,881 --> 00:44:07,225
- What are you doing?
- It looks like a haunted house!
791
00:44:07,225 --> 00:44:09,305
It looks like we have
painters coming over.
792
00:44:09,305 --> 00:44:11,323
Have you seen our budget?
793
00:44:13,825 --> 00:44:15,444
You guys look...
794
00:44:16,202 --> 00:44:18,161
unbelievable!
795
00:44:18,360 --> 00:44:19,959
I told you!
796
00:44:20,478 --> 00:44:22,015
All right...
797
00:44:22,016 --> 00:44:26,231
Ten bucks each if they want to see
the show... and proof of purchase?
798
00:44:26,232 --> 00:44:28,349
They gotta wear one of these!
799
00:44:28,350 --> 00:44:29,168
Great.
800
00:44:29,169 --> 00:44:33,285
Once the sun goes down...
things are going to get crazy!
801
00:44:51,827 --> 00:44:53,764
♪ I'm driving in my car ♪
802
00:44:53,765 --> 00:44:55,602
♪ I'm in my car alone ♪
803
00:44:55,603 --> 00:44:57,440
♪ I like to drive it fast ♪
804
00:44:57,441 --> 00:44:59,590
♪ I like to drive it slow ♪
805
00:45:05,932 --> 00:45:07,929
Hey... you didn't say you were
in the middle of nowhere.
806
00:45:07,930 --> 00:45:08,988
Hey, man... where are you?
807
00:45:08,989 --> 00:45:09,988
Says I'm an hour out.
808
00:45:09,989 --> 00:45:12,345
Park a few blocks away and
call me when you're close.
809
00:45:12,346 --> 00:45:13,544
And remember, no one can know...
810
00:45:13,545 --> 00:45:16,842
Yeah, I got... Yeah, I got it, I got it.
Discreet.
811
00:45:17,561 --> 00:45:18,799
Dipshit.
812
00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,197
Lord have mercy.
813
00:45:20,198 --> 00:45:23,734
Are the centuries-old legends
of Leechwood County true?
814
00:45:23,735 --> 00:45:26,747
Two bodies have been
discovered with mutilated
815
00:45:26,748 --> 00:45:29,248
necks and drained
completely of blood.
816
00:45:29,249 --> 00:45:31,792
In a town anxious for
answers, there are
817
00:45:31,793 --> 00:45:34,523
three men who claim
that vampire hunting...
818
00:45:34,524 --> 00:45:37,122
is in their blood.
819
00:45:38,580 --> 00:45:40,478
This is the place.
820
00:45:40,478 --> 00:45:44,553
Lord have mercy on
my tired old bones.
821
00:45:44,554 --> 00:45:47,550
My God, Stacey... I love you!
822
00:45:52,206 --> 00:45:54,365
Will you sign my boobs?
823
00:45:54,484 --> 00:45:57,500
I've read all your books!
I love you, I love you!
824
00:45:57,501 --> 00:46:00,958
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much for coming.
825
00:46:01,956 --> 00:46:03,555
Hey!
826
00:46:04,993 --> 00:46:07,869
I think what you're
doing is super tacky.
827
00:46:07,870 --> 00:46:12,125
I mean, vampires are beautiful
and sensual creatures.
828
00:46:12,126 --> 00:46:17,440
This sort of exploitation undermines
any real knowledge there is to vampires.
829
00:46:17,441 --> 00:46:20,898
And if you read my books,
you would know that.
830
00:46:21,956 --> 00:46:25,532
I'm really looking forward to
scaring the shit out of these people.
831
00:46:29,049 --> 00:46:32,167
No such thing as too much!
832
00:46:32,606 --> 00:46:36,301
I super-glued a guy's dick
and sent him to the E.R.,
833
00:46:36,302 --> 00:46:38,560
but I thought it was hilarious.
834
00:46:38,561 --> 00:46:40,557
Everything in the wood-chipper!
835
00:46:40,957 --> 00:46:42,175
Quite the turnout.
836
00:46:42,176 --> 00:46:45,452
I know, right?
It's actually kind of amazing.
837
00:46:45,453 --> 00:46:48,410
But it looks like it's
going to be a lost cause.
838
00:46:48,430 --> 00:46:49,369
I'm sorry, what?
839
00:46:49,370 --> 00:46:52,904
Given there are those foolish enough
to pay for this pathetic attempt,
840
00:46:52,905 --> 00:46:55,264
I've calculated that you
won't come even close to
841
00:46:55,265 --> 00:46:57,720
reimbursing the fifty-thousand
dollars by tomorrow.
842
00:46:57,721 --> 00:46:59,977
You can say goodbye to House Harker.
843
00:46:59,978 --> 00:47:03,935
I just came by to see which room
I'd like to make my office.
844
00:47:06,452 --> 00:47:07,889
What can we expect for tonight?
845
00:47:07,890 --> 00:47:10,047
Tonight is not for
the faint of heart...
846
00:47:10,048 --> 00:47:12,605
We're trained professionals though,
and you're gonna expect...
847
00:47:12,606 --> 00:47:13,305
Enjoying yourself?
848
00:47:13,306 --> 00:47:15,262
One sec. Okay?
849
00:47:15,263 --> 00:47:16,780
Can this wait?
850
00:47:16,781 --> 00:47:18,499
When were you going to tell me?!
851
00:47:18,500 --> 00:47:21,855
After we were evicted?!
After we lost everything?!
852
00:47:21,856 --> 00:47:23,594
Hold on, it's not what you think...
853
00:47:23,595 --> 00:47:26,011
You can't talk your way
out of this one, Gerry.
854
00:47:26,012 --> 00:47:28,189
This whole thing was
your idea, not mine.
855
00:47:28,190 --> 00:47:31,106
Not Charlie's. And it
sure as hell wasn't dads.
856
00:47:31,107 --> 00:47:34,001
Dad always wanted to hide things.
People need to know...
857
00:47:34,002 --> 00:47:35,716
About you!
858
00:47:35,717 --> 00:47:37,160
Right, Gerry?!
859
00:47:37,161 --> 00:47:39,518
It's always about you.
860
00:47:39,519 --> 00:47:42,281
You left and you didn't
even care about us.
861
00:47:42,414 --> 00:47:46,023
You never called once to
see how dad was doing.
862
00:47:46,172 --> 00:47:50,207
He died and you were too
busy focusing on you!
863
00:47:50,208 --> 00:47:52,395
And then when you weren't
getting enough attention,
864
00:47:52,395 --> 00:47:55,342
you tucked your tail between your legs
and came back to see us.
865
00:47:55,343 --> 00:47:57,755
And now you're trying to help.
866
00:47:58,380 --> 00:48:00,418
We don't need your help, Gerry.
867
00:48:04,019 --> 00:48:05,820
We don't need you.
868
00:48:06,170 --> 00:48:08,747
We were doing fine without you.
869
00:48:13,143 --> 00:48:15,701
I'll go pack my things.
870
00:48:21,335 --> 00:48:23,334
Paige!
871
00:48:25,303 --> 00:48:27,436
This is my gift.
872
00:48:30,878 --> 00:48:32,935
I made it.
873
00:48:32,936 --> 00:48:37,051
Not for the wedding... not for Wayne...
874
00:48:37,052 --> 00:48:39,025
for you.
875
00:48:39,669 --> 00:48:41,268
I love you.
876
00:48:41,467 --> 00:48:43,426
I always have.
877
00:48:44,824 --> 00:48:47,220
You're my beautiful mermaid.
878
00:48:47,221 --> 00:48:50,061
Jesus, Ned. Not now!
879
00:48:52,656 --> 00:48:54,233
So you don't like the carving?
880
00:48:54,234 --> 00:48:56,327
No!
881
00:49:05,823 --> 00:49:08,679
Are you kidding me, man?!
I almost killed you!
882
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:10,797
Great. Another vampire.
883
00:49:10,798 --> 00:49:15,194
Nobody said there was gonna be
two vampires. Look, buddy...
884
00:49:16,812 --> 00:49:18,191
Buddy?
885
00:49:30,178 --> 00:49:33,234
Tanner? Hey!
886
00:49:33,235 --> 00:49:35,072
What, is this guy lost?
887
00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:37,070
I don't think we should
go through with this.
888
00:49:37,071 --> 00:49:38,669
Gerry, I stole these costumes!
889
00:49:38,670 --> 00:49:39,828
Well that was your id...
Wait, what?
890
00:49:39,829 --> 00:49:41,026
This is our chance!
891
00:49:41,027 --> 00:49:45,782
The entire town paid money to see
us catch a real vampire, just...
892
00:49:45,783 --> 00:49:49,918
We only made twelve-hundred dollars!
That's not even close!
893
00:49:49,919 --> 00:49:52,776
Come tomorrow, we lose the house.
894
00:49:57,311 --> 00:49:59,150
I lost the house.
895
00:50:00,148 --> 00:50:02,227
This whole mess is my fault.
896
00:50:08,060 --> 00:50:09,318
It's definitely your fault.
897
00:50:09,319 --> 00:50:11,176
Come on, Charlie.
898
00:50:11,177 --> 00:50:12,116
But look at us.
899
00:50:12,117 --> 00:50:14,713
We look fantastic.
Especially me.
900
00:50:14,714 --> 00:50:17,989
When we were little...
people used to stare at us and point...
901
00:50:17,990 --> 00:50:22,905
And they'd say, "Look at those weirdo
Harker kids and their loser friend Ned."
902
00:50:22,906 --> 00:50:24,684
No they didn't.
903
00:50:25,283 --> 00:50:27,162
But what did Dad say?
904
00:50:27,421 --> 00:50:29,899
He said, "Life is a chess match..."
905
00:50:30,298 --> 00:50:32,956
and the game isn't
over until checkmate."
906
00:50:33,455 --> 00:50:37,330
Gerry, you think you've lost
the house, but you haven't.
907
00:50:37,331 --> 00:50:41,166
Not yet. It's still on the board.
It's like when you left.
908
00:50:41,167 --> 00:50:44,843
Paige and I thought we'd lost you,
but Dad always said...
909
00:50:44,844 --> 00:50:47,202
"He has to play his own game."
910
00:50:48,420 --> 00:50:52,037
He was so proud of you, Gerry.
Because you'd won.
911
00:50:52,076 --> 00:50:57,551
You made Twirl! The 'Karate
Kid' of baton twirling films.
912
00:50:57,831 --> 00:51:01,168
So if we lose the house, it's okay.
913
00:51:01,307 --> 00:51:03,785
There are other pieces on the board.
914
00:51:04,284 --> 00:51:06,203
We still have each other.
915
00:51:06,842 --> 00:51:08,181
And Ned.
916
00:51:11,617 --> 00:51:13,216
Harkers.
917
00:51:15,273 --> 00:51:18,529
And their mutherfucking
bad ass friend, Ned Morris.
918
00:51:18,530 --> 00:51:21,747
All right, let's go find our vampire.
919
00:51:24,444 --> 00:51:27,959
Holy shit, man! Now
that is fucking scary!
920
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:31,075
That make-up is next level, Tanner!
921
00:51:31,457 --> 00:51:33,154
Like I said... kind of an asshole.
922
00:51:33,155 --> 00:51:34,134
He doesn't sound very healthy.
923
00:51:34,135 --> 00:51:36,173
He's probably in character.
924
00:51:36,672 --> 00:51:39,190
We should probably get him out of sight.
Come on!
925
00:51:41,926 --> 00:51:43,144
That's a great idea!
926
00:51:43,145 --> 00:51:45,901
Yeah, yeah! Go inside and
lay low until we're ready!
927
00:51:45,902 --> 00:51:47,200
There's snacks downstairs.
928
00:51:47,201 --> 00:51:50,419
Hey, make yourself comfortable.
Mi casa es su casa.
929
00:52:05,922 --> 00:52:07,340
Hey! I want to talk to you!
930
00:52:07,341 --> 00:52:08,719
Wayne, I know... Paige is pissed.
931
00:52:08,720 --> 00:52:10,097
No, no, not you.
932
00:52:10,098 --> 00:52:11,776
No... Hey, Charlie. Not you.
933
00:52:11,777 --> 00:52:14,213
Hey, you! I know you
have feelings for Paige.
934
00:52:14,214 --> 00:52:15,192
Come on.
935
00:52:15,193 --> 00:52:17,591
Hey... hey look!
936
00:52:18,230 --> 00:52:20,027
I know you love her, okay?
937
00:52:20,028 --> 00:52:21,806
I've learned to accept that.
938
00:52:21,807 --> 00:52:27,701
But why can't you accept me and stop
being so dad-gum mean all the time?!
939
00:52:56,931 --> 00:53:03,146
Once you become a best-selling
author, it is so hard to meet guys.
940
00:53:03,785 --> 00:53:06,541
It's like they can't handle my gift.
You know?
941
00:53:06,542 --> 00:53:07,101
Yeah.
942
00:53:07,102 --> 00:53:10,697
My special connection with vampires.
943
00:53:10,698 --> 00:53:14,048
I can sense their presence, you know?
944
00:53:14,049 --> 00:53:18,928
I mean if one was near...
it's like I could feel him...
945
00:53:18,929 --> 00:53:21,767
I know. It's a lot to take in.
946
00:53:28,600 --> 00:53:30,417
You know what? I love her.
947
00:53:30,418 --> 00:53:33,454
And I'm gonna take good care of
her and you know that!
948
00:53:33,455 --> 00:53:34,634
Guys, maybe we should get inside.
949
00:53:34,635 --> 00:53:38,011
Give the guy a break!
He's pouring his heart out here.
950
00:53:38,410 --> 00:53:42,267
See what I mean?
It's like he doesn't even listen!
951
00:53:43,485 --> 00:53:46,369
Am I sparkling?
952
00:53:53,695 --> 00:53:56,552
Aw, man. People are
trying to leave already.
953
00:54:09,599 --> 00:54:11,298
I'm sorry?
954
00:54:16,592 --> 00:54:19,110
Was that... was that so hard?
955
00:54:21,707 --> 00:54:24,842
Ha ha... okay, pal.
956
00:54:24,843 --> 00:54:26,982
Okay. That's good.
957
00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:31,517
Yeah. Okay.
958
00:54:32,336 --> 00:54:35,192
Let's get back in there,
before we miss all the fun, right? Yeah.
959
00:54:35,193 --> 00:54:36,792
Okay. Okay.
960
00:54:36,931 --> 00:54:38,768
Hey, where'd you go?
961
00:54:38,769 --> 00:54:41,186
Line for the pisser was too long.
962
00:54:41,187 --> 00:54:44,228
And I brought my private stock.
963
00:54:50,658 --> 00:54:52,726
What the fuck?!
964
00:54:52,735 --> 00:54:55,112
Hey, Doc, what in the
Sam Hell are you doing?
965
00:54:55,113 --> 00:54:57,330
Are you taking to the bottle again?
966
00:54:57,331 --> 00:55:00,381
His wife is gonna be so disappointed.
967
00:55:00,668 --> 00:55:02,761
What's wrong with his face?!
968
00:55:02,762 --> 00:55:04,874
Step back.
969
00:55:11,226 --> 00:55:14,762
Sheriff Wayne for Kip...
Sheriff Wayne for Kip, do you copy?
970
00:55:14,763 --> 00:55:16,280
Sheriff, we've got a situation here!
971
00:55:16,281 --> 00:55:19,217
Another dead body on the side of the
road... neck mangled like the others...
972
00:55:19,218 --> 00:55:20,896
few miles outside of Leechwood.
973
00:55:20,897 --> 00:55:24,392
His ID says his name is... Tanner.
974
00:55:24,393 --> 00:55:26,230
Tanner Scott.
975
00:55:26,231 --> 00:55:29,908
Wearing a funny costume like he's from
Transylvania or something like that.
976
00:55:30,907 --> 00:55:32,005
Shit!
977
00:55:32,006 --> 00:55:33,164
We knew he didn't sound healthy.
978
00:55:33,165 --> 00:55:36,920
How could I be so stupid?!
We invited it inside the house!
979
00:55:36,921 --> 00:55:39,099
Repeatedly. The skull?!
980
00:55:41,416 --> 00:55:43,893
Because I didn't think there
would be an actual vampire.
981
00:55:43,894 --> 00:55:46,230
We agreed to put it in the basement.
It has all things that Gerry hates!
982
00:55:46,231 --> 00:55:48,428
It's dark and constricted
and it has spiders...
983
00:55:48,429 --> 00:55:49,907
Yes, I know that's all
things that vampires love.
984
00:55:49,908 --> 00:55:51,345
Dad would be so pissed right now!
985
00:55:51,346 --> 00:55:52,364
Hey!
986
00:55:52,365 --> 00:55:55,163
Will somebody tell me what
the hell is going on?!
987
00:56:02,215 --> 00:56:03,014
So the actor...? Yes!
988
00:56:03,015 --> 00:56:03,633
Was a...? Yes!
989
00:56:03,634 --> 00:56:04,992
And he's a...? Yep.
990
00:56:04,993 --> 00:56:07,111
Vampires can't be real!
991
00:56:07,330 --> 00:56:08,630
Can they?
992
00:56:10,967 --> 00:56:12,518
Hey Kip, I'm gonna
want you to step away
993
00:56:12,519 --> 00:56:14,222
from that body... it
might spring up on you.
994
00:56:14,223 --> 00:56:16,840
Nah... I don't think so.
He looks like...
995
00:56:16,841 --> 00:56:18,398
He looks like shit.
996
00:56:18,399 --> 00:56:19,557
He looks like shit, Wayne.
997
00:56:19,558 --> 00:56:21,735
He was just feeding. Gaining power.
998
00:56:21,736 --> 00:56:25,732
All he needed was the skull and
now he can create a legion of vampires!
999
00:56:27,290 --> 00:56:28,229
Why aren't they escaping?
1000
00:56:28,230 --> 00:56:30,002
Well there's crosses
on the doorway and
1001
00:56:30,003 --> 00:56:31,865
on the door handles...
and the windows...
1002
00:56:31,866 --> 00:56:34,382
Looks like your great-grandpa
made this house apotropaic.
1003
00:56:34,383 --> 00:56:35,382
Aca-paca-what?!
1004
00:56:35,383 --> 00:56:36,540
Wards off evil.
1005
00:56:36,541 --> 00:56:37,639
They're trapped!
1006
00:56:37,640 --> 00:56:38,419
For now.
1007
00:56:38,420 --> 00:56:41,315
If they can't get outta the house...
we're home free!
1008
00:56:41,316 --> 00:56:43,173
Sun comes up, they're fried!
1009
00:56:43,174 --> 00:56:45,411
Come on, fellas. First rounds on Wayne!
1010
00:56:45,412 --> 00:56:47,111
Guys?
1011
00:56:47,850 --> 00:56:49,529
Where's Paige?
1012
00:56:53,364 --> 00:56:55,634
Fuck!
1013
00:56:55,922 --> 00:56:57,701
I'm going in!
1014
00:57:00,297 --> 00:57:03,253
No, no, no, no! Close the...
door!
1015
00:57:03,254 --> 00:57:04,192
Dick!
1016
00:57:04,193 --> 00:57:04,892
What?
1017
00:57:04,893 --> 00:57:07,729
Come on, Wayne is a cop with a gun.
I'm sure he's fine...
1018
00:57:07,730 --> 00:57:09,727
Dadgummit!
1019
00:57:09,728 --> 00:57:11,327
Jeez...
1020
00:57:11,486 --> 00:57:15,521
So... how long do you think it
would take for your sister
1021
00:57:15,522 --> 00:57:18,298
to get over the fact
that I accidentally...
1022
00:57:18,299 --> 00:57:21,097
shoved her fiance
into a den of vampires?
1023
00:57:21,416 --> 00:57:22,219
Three months?
1024
00:57:22,244 --> 00:57:23,720
Paige!
1025
00:57:23,894 --> 00:57:25,334
Paige!
1026
00:57:26,471 --> 00:57:28,426
Come on, pick up!
1027
00:57:30,847 --> 00:57:32,546
Hey!
1028
00:57:33,544 --> 00:57:36,821
And now they know there's
someone upstairs.
1029
00:57:37,740 --> 00:57:39,339
Oops.
1030
00:57:48,449 --> 00:57:49,887
It's time?
1031
00:57:49,888 --> 00:57:51,547
Yeah...
1032
00:58:02,255 --> 00:58:04,294
Hold this.
1033
00:58:06,591 --> 00:58:08,348
In nomine Patris et Filii
et Spiritus Sancti...
1034
00:58:08,349 --> 00:58:09,008
You sure?
1035
00:58:09,009 --> 00:58:10,506
This is gonna work!
1036
00:58:10,507 --> 00:58:12,106
Yes!
1037
00:58:12,125 --> 00:58:13,804
Maybe.
1038
00:58:16,161 --> 00:58:17,280
Fuck it!
1039
00:58:25,712 --> 00:58:27,289
Now!
1040
00:58:27,290 --> 00:58:29,249
Now!
1041
00:58:29,848 --> 00:58:31,065
Boys... now!
1042
00:58:31,066 --> 00:58:33,425
I did! It isn't working!
1043
00:58:34,423 --> 00:58:36,162
Now, boys!
1044
00:58:39,498 --> 00:58:41,337
Get outta here!
1045
00:58:48,969 --> 00:58:50,006
Charlie, you did it!
1046
00:58:50,007 --> 00:58:50,686
Potato!
1047
00:58:50,687 --> 00:58:51,386
French toast!
1048
00:58:51,387 --> 00:58:54,743
No it has to be french fries...
that's the joke! Never mind!
1049
00:59:08,149 --> 00:59:10,586
Gerry... turn on your sunlamp!
1050
00:59:10,587 --> 00:59:11,785
I need an outlet!
1051
00:59:11,786 --> 00:59:13,724
There's a light right here!
1052
00:59:23,514 --> 00:59:26,330
She scratched me!
Am I gonna turn into a vampire?!
1053
00:59:26,331 --> 00:59:28,629
It has to be a full moon I think!
1054
00:59:29,048 --> 00:59:31,846
Do you guys know
anything about vampires?
1055
00:59:39,178 --> 00:59:41,297
I am so sorry!
1056
00:59:47,610 --> 00:59:49,612
Die!
1057
00:59:54,203 --> 00:59:56,462
I'm gonna make sure she's dead.
1058
01:00:05,072 --> 01:00:07,451
Yep, she's dead.
1059
01:00:19,758 --> 01:00:21,015
Where is everybody?
1060
01:00:29,448 --> 01:00:31,666
Go go go go go go!
1061
01:00:42,315 --> 01:00:44,114
Why are they popping?!
1062
01:00:45,572 --> 01:00:47,930
They always do that!
1063
01:00:48,229 --> 01:00:50,166
Will you put that thing down?!
1064
01:00:50,167 --> 01:00:52,206
It just needs some juice!
1065
01:00:54,143 --> 01:00:56,721
Come on, baby!
Give me some juice!
1066
01:01:02,515 --> 01:01:05,113
Here comes the juice!
1067
01:01:11,726 --> 01:01:13,784
Here it comes.
1068
01:01:22,015 --> 01:01:24,114
Hell yeah, it worked!
1069
01:01:24,433 --> 01:01:26,032
Fake...
1070
01:01:37,859 --> 01:01:39,818
I can take care of myself.
1071
01:01:58,299 --> 01:02:00,158
Go Devils.
1072
01:02:03,594 --> 01:02:05,412
Paige?
1073
01:02:08,549 --> 01:02:10,148
Pai...?
1074
01:02:19,298 --> 01:02:21,656
Where's your clothes, big fella?
1075
01:02:31,765 --> 01:02:34,103
No, no, no, no...!
1076
01:02:34,623 --> 01:02:36,941
Please don't pop.
1077
01:02:40,776 --> 01:02:42,414
It's warm.
1078
01:02:49,787 --> 01:02:52,086
I don't want to talk to you, Gerry.
1079
01:03:01,016 --> 01:03:02,715
Gerry!
1080
01:03:04,113 --> 01:03:07,231
Twirl!
1081
01:03:46,131 --> 01:03:47,989
And... big finish.
1082
01:03:50,167 --> 01:03:51,345
Thank you.
1083
01:03:51,346 --> 01:03:54,242
You are my sunshine...
1084
01:03:54,243 --> 01:03:57,459
my only sunshine...
1085
01:03:57,460 --> 01:04:01,015
you make me happy...
1086
01:04:01,016 --> 01:04:03,240
when skies are...
1087
01:04:03,277 --> 01:04:06,350
- What do I even do?!
- Kick him in the fuse box!
1088
01:04:06,351 --> 01:04:07,350
What does that mean?
1089
01:04:07,351 --> 01:04:09,029
The spice rack!
1090
01:04:19,458 --> 01:04:22,215
I said, I don't want to talk to you...
1091
01:04:25,232 --> 01:04:27,111
Walter, come on!
1092
01:04:27,510 --> 01:04:31,067
Go!
I'll hold them off as best I can!
1093
01:04:34,144 --> 01:04:36,001
Go, boys.
1094
01:04:36,002 --> 01:04:38,119
Get Paige outta here.
1095
01:04:45,472 --> 01:04:49,669
Come get some, you
satanic sons-a-bitches!
1096
01:05:04,173 --> 01:05:05,772
Ned?
1097
01:05:06,931 --> 01:05:08,670
Hey, Gerry.
1098
01:05:08,749 --> 01:05:10,286
Charlie.
1099
01:05:10,287 --> 01:05:13,605
If you're not too busy, could you
get this hairy fucker off of me?
1100
01:05:19,818 --> 01:05:21,836
What is that... pee?
1101
01:05:24,833 --> 01:05:27,311
If anything, he peed on me!
1102
01:05:27,690 --> 01:05:29,468
Make me piss myself...
1103
01:05:31,466 --> 01:05:33,505
Get off of me, Kevin!
1104
01:06:00,177 --> 01:06:01,215
Paige?
1105
01:06:01,216 --> 01:06:03,355
We came here to...
1106
01:06:04,973 --> 01:06:05,912
Save you?
1107
01:06:05,913 --> 01:06:07,769
Who says I need saving?
1108
01:06:10,107 --> 01:06:11,965
I feel really bad losing the house.
1109
01:06:11,966 --> 01:06:12,844
How everything went...
1110
01:06:12,845 --> 01:06:14,444
DOWN!
1111
01:06:15,063 --> 01:06:17,000
You can't lie to me, Gerry!
1112
01:06:17,001 --> 01:06:19,257
You're right! I've been selfish.
1113
01:06:19,258 --> 01:06:23,853
If we're gonna be family,
we have to be honest with each other!
1114
01:06:23,854 --> 01:06:26,771
I know! I promise!
1115
01:06:28,209 --> 01:06:30,448
I know I wasn't there for you guys...
1116
01:06:30,927 --> 01:06:32,945
but I'm here now.
1117
01:06:33,744 --> 01:06:36,821
And I want to be a part of everything.
1118
01:06:39,418 --> 01:06:41,637
I love you guys!
1119
01:06:42,155 --> 01:06:43,913
And we love you, Paige!
1120
01:06:43,914 --> 01:06:45,411
Dammit, Ned! Not now!
1121
01:06:45,412 --> 01:06:47,710
Got it. We'll talk later.
1122
01:06:49,468 --> 01:06:51,645
Hey, has anyone seen Wayne?!
Where's Wayne?
1123
01:06:51,646 --> 01:06:53,184
Anyone seen Wayne...
1124
01:06:56,861 --> 01:06:58,520
Hey, Wayne!
1125
01:07:08,189 --> 01:07:12,465
Aww, is that Paige?
That is so beauti...
1126
01:07:15,302 --> 01:07:17,499
Wait, you really liked it?
1127
01:07:17,500 --> 01:07:19,998
Now I feel terrible.
1128
01:07:20,137 --> 01:07:21,856
Guys?
1129
01:07:22,535 --> 01:07:24,172
He seems pissed.
1130
01:07:24,173 --> 01:07:25,571
Don't move!
1131
01:07:25,572 --> 01:07:29,627
He can't see you if you don't move.
1132
01:07:29,628 --> 01:07:31,786
Not moving.
1133
01:07:36,201 --> 01:07:37,619
No!!
1134
01:07:40,657 --> 01:07:43,255
Look! I'm immune!
1135
01:07:46,071 --> 01:07:50,188
Not immune! Not immune!
This sucks so bad!
1136
01:07:55,362 --> 01:07:56,961
Ned?
1137
01:08:10,547 --> 01:08:12,265
Thank you!
1138
01:08:46,711 --> 01:08:48,669
Check.
1139
01:08:51,686 --> 01:08:53,964
Look at the whole board.
1140
01:08:57,640 --> 01:08:59,359
Broken glass.
1141
01:09:00,837 --> 01:09:03,754
You're using real wooden stakes?
1142
01:09:03,774 --> 01:09:07,669
Why is there a wood-chipper
at the top of the stairs?
1143
01:09:07,670 --> 01:09:10,527
You can't latch the spice rack.
1144
01:09:10,787 --> 01:09:12,963
I can't get out.
1145
01:09:12,964 --> 01:09:15,641
Don't... don't overthink it.
1146
01:09:15,642 --> 01:09:17,461
Just look.
1147
01:09:19,038 --> 01:09:21,696
They hit him again, Dad.
1148
01:09:23,334 --> 01:09:26,931
I still don't know what to do.
1149
01:09:27,050 --> 01:09:28,967
Don't be scared, Charlie.
1150
01:09:28,968 --> 01:09:31,885
I know... It can get crazy out there.
1151
01:09:31,886 --> 01:09:34,901
But you know when that
happens to me what I do?
1152
01:09:34,902 --> 01:09:38,080
I use... this.
1153
01:09:39,358 --> 01:09:41,275
What is this even attached to?
1154
01:09:41,276 --> 01:09:43,253
You're my beautiful mermaid, Paige.
1155
01:09:43,254 --> 01:09:45,233
Maybe I will use your pencil then.
1156
01:09:55,242 --> 01:09:57,540
I need you, buddy.
1157
01:10:14,942 --> 01:10:17,261
Oh, come on!
1158
01:10:28,549 --> 01:10:30,046
Shit. My head.
1159
01:10:30,047 --> 01:10:31,786
My God! Ned!
1160
01:10:33,064 --> 01:10:35,063
You're alive!
1161
01:10:39,278 --> 01:10:40,877
Okay.
1162
01:10:42,075 --> 01:10:44,292
Not now. Not ever.
1163
01:10:44,293 --> 01:10:45,892
Take your time.
1164
01:10:47,250 --> 01:10:48,947
My God, did you piss yourself?
1165
01:10:48,948 --> 01:10:50,406
No... no.
1166
01:10:50,407 --> 01:10:53,205
They're monsters, Paige.
They peed on me!
1167
01:10:55,382 --> 01:10:57,399
How did Ned change back?
1168
01:10:57,400 --> 01:10:59,337
Maybe if you kill the big bad guy...?
1169
01:10:59,338 --> 01:11:01,621
Before the first sunrise,
the power of the
1170
01:11:01,622 --> 01:11:04,613
first is destroyed...
the rest are restored.
1171
01:11:29,088 --> 01:11:31,886
Yeah, but they were all assholes.
1172
01:11:33,204 --> 01:11:36,560
No. Paige, I didn't mean...
1173
01:11:36,561 --> 01:11:40,416
About Wayne, I'm so sorry.
I had to.
1174
01:11:42,135 --> 01:11:45,452
Thank you for taking
care of us, big brother.
1175
01:11:58,758 --> 01:12:00,357
Wayne!
1176
01:12:00,936 --> 01:12:04,793
That smarts! Dadgummit!
1177
01:12:05,911 --> 01:12:08,867
Wayne's alive. Yay.
1178
01:12:08,868 --> 01:12:13,504
If staking a guy in the shoulder
killed a vampire... I'd be a goner!
1179
01:12:13,704 --> 01:12:15,762
That's a good job!
1180
01:12:16,021 --> 01:12:17,900
What about Walter?
1181
01:12:18,679 --> 01:12:20,416
What about me?
1182
01:12:23,194 --> 01:12:27,950
Well, this isn't the first time I've
been bathed in the blood of vampires.
1183
01:12:28,169 --> 01:12:29,768
Ooh...
1184
01:12:32,245 --> 01:12:34,563
I'm so sorry.
1185
01:12:34,782 --> 01:12:36,741
I made T-shirts.
1186
01:13:11,266 --> 01:13:14,383
Sorry you lost your pencil, Charlie.
1187
01:13:19,757 --> 01:13:22,274
- Potato.
- French Fries.
1188
01:13:22,275 --> 01:13:23,712
So...
1189
01:13:23,713 --> 01:13:25,970
they really are...
1190
01:13:25,971 --> 01:13:27,599
vampires.
1191
01:13:28,529 --> 01:13:30,277
Vampires?
1192
01:13:30,278 --> 01:13:34,486
They're nothing compared to
the goddamn werewolves.
1193
01:13:37,418 --> 01:13:47,618
Translation and subtitles by
PEPPER & LALASPAIN
*** SONG LIVES FOR EVER ***
1194
01:15:30,953 --> 01:15:33,358
Is this thing still recording?
1195
01:15:33,359 --> 01:15:36,806
The live stream? My God...
1196
01:15:36,807 --> 01:15:38,977
How many views?
1197
01:15:38,978 --> 01:15:40,915
A hundred and twenty-five...
1198
01:15:40,916 --> 01:15:44,323
- All right.
- Million. Okay.
1199
01:15:45,308 --> 01:15:48,240
We could do the show!
1200
01:15:50,219 --> 01:15:53,503
- What?
- We could definitely do the show.
1201
01:15:53,504 --> 01:15:55,161
Wait. Did we make money?
I was thinking that first, we should...
1202
01:15:55,162 --> 01:15:57,538
maybe get a kitchen. We
don't have a kitchen anymore.
1203
01:15:57,539 --> 01:15:59,976
I mean, the kitchen can come after.
We've got to focus like right now.
1204
01:15:59,977 --> 01:16:02,174
We have momentum. Look at this.
1205
01:16:02,175 --> 01:16:03,493
Our house is halfway through a remodel.
1206
01:16:03,494 --> 01:16:05,910
I know, but right now we can't
stop the progress. We made money.
1207
01:16:05,911 --> 01:16:07,988
- Wait, can they hear us?
- Every word.
1208
01:16:07,989 --> 01:16:11,884
Hel... Hello!
If you can hear us, Hello!
1209
01:16:11,885 --> 01:16:13,782
Hello! Hello!
1210
01:16:13,783 --> 01:16:14,941
We've gotta strike while the iron's
hot, you know? Hello! Hello!
1211
01:16:14,942 --> 01:16:16,060
We've gotta strike while
the iron's hot, you know?
1212
01:16:16,061 --> 01:16:18,717
Like, like... we'll focus on the show...
You know what else? We could make...
1213
01:16:18,718 --> 01:16:20,336
and go to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
More money, guys.
1214
01:16:20,337 --> 01:16:23,333
And we will get some stuff...
Let's not just make money off of this...
1215
01:16:23,334 --> 01:16:25,051
I mean, we also have to go to, like...
Let's make money off Ned's wood.
1216
01:16:25,052 --> 01:16:27,129
To Home Depot.
If you are looking for Ned's Wood.
1217
01:16:27,130 --> 01:16:29,986
You can't just go to Bed, Bath & Beyond
to get everything. You can go to http.
1218
01:16:29,987 --> 01:16:33,542
Because it's a great store, but that's
where you get... I think it's a colon...
1219
01:16:33,543 --> 01:16:35,940
just the stuff you put in a finished
house. Two... two forward slashes...
1220
01:16:35,941 --> 01:16:37,978
And we don't have a finished house.
We have
1221
01:16:37,979 --> 01:16:40,096
half a house. Ned's,
N-E-D-S, underscore...
1222
01:16:40,097 --> 01:16:41,754
You know, we've got a...
Wood.org.
1223
01:16:41,755 --> 01:16:43,832
A... a fuse-box for a spice rack.
Go there...
1224
01:16:43,833 --> 01:16:45,052
And Ned goes to the
bathroom in a bucket...
1225
01:16:45,053 --> 01:16:46,190
I don't have any
sculptures right now...
1226
01:16:46,191 --> 01:16:48,188
I don't even have a bucket.
Because I had a little accident with.
1227
01:16:48,189 --> 01:16:49,555
You don't have a bucket?
I have to go to the
1228
01:16:49,556 --> 01:16:52,183
bathroom in... the other
wood that I had there.
1229
01:19:04,133 --> 01:19:05,619
What's up?
1230
01:19:05,620 --> 01:19:08,531
Shit!
I should've been there.
1231
01:19:08,532 --> 01:19:09,846
Been there? Sheriff Wayne
said the whole town is dead.
1232
01:19:09,847 --> 01:19:13,141
Yeah, but I wanted in
on some of the action.
1233
01:19:13,142 --> 01:19:16,545
Action?
We would have died first, bro.
1234
01:19:17,251 --> 01:19:19,896
- No, not me.
- Especially you. No.
1235
01:19:19,897 --> 01:19:21,774
Guys like us don't live long
in situations like that.
1236
01:19:21,775 --> 01:19:23,991
What do you mean 'guys like us'?
1237
01:19:23,992 --> 01:19:26,729
When you wake up in the morning and
you look in the mirror, what do you see?
1238
01:19:26,730 --> 01:19:28,167
John McClane.
1239
01:19:28,168 --> 01:19:30,033
No, what do you see?
1240
01:19:30,034 --> 01:19:31,986
John Rambo.
1241
01:19:32,184 --> 01:19:35,320
You've seen the movies, bro.
We always die first.
1242
01:19:35,321 --> 01:19:37,321
Always.
1243
01:19:37,399 --> 01:19:40,151
Look at us. What are we?
1244
01:19:40,616 --> 01:19:42,532
Cops.
90302
Can't find what you're looking for?
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