Original subtitles

I had no idea so much went into a wedding.

Speaking as your wife, that was clear.

CAPTAIN: Hmm. Five boxes...

Six, seven, eight in here.

And ten in the lobby. Excellent.

Right. Lift from the knees!

Trust me, you don't want a hernia.

-Head! -What?

Chog.

Hedgehog. Sorry.

-I thought I saw a hedgehog. -Where?

-Did you? -Mmm-mmm.

No. Ah.

HUMPHREY: Chase it out with a broom.

Now, the other bit. I have you down

HUMPHREY: What, again?

Can't he do it? I mean, uh,

-me do it? -Hardly.

There's a lot of valuable ordnance on base,

and while your counterpart here is very dextrous,

observation is not his strong suit.

Okay. Fine. Pick me up at six.

-Very good.

Oh, no, no, no! I know you're on a budget,

but where are the oyster forks?

-They're not having oysters. -What?

How much? To hire knives and forks?

It's wedding silver, Mike. It's got to be top quality.

Don't try to bend them!

-That's just what I heard. -No, don't be daft.

Course it ain't haunted.

Just act natural.

If anyone asks, we're couriers

while looking for a toilet, 'cause you needed to go urgently

due to a recent operation to remove

That's a lot of detail, Vin.

That's what makes it believable.

Now, Pete says this place has been getting deliveries

for some big wedding bash.

Silverware, furniture, PA system...

So, what's the plan?

-So we case the joint, find a way in...

...then come back when they're asleep...

and nick it.

I'll make love to you

If you want me to

And I'll hold you tight

Baby, all through The night...

I don't want him to!

-Okay! -Great. They're doing

Well, they're busy.

They won't even know I'm out.

You haven't told them?

It would just become some whole big thing

and it's better if I just sneak out.

-They won't bother you. -Hmm.

You've been on your own with them before.

Yeah, not at night, with the house

and them all dead and weird.

You still can come with us, you know?

Nah. You go.

They're your friends, really. I'll be fine,

with the... dead people.

-Thanks for waiting. -DRIVER: No problem.

VINNY: This is perfect. They're going out.

Come on, now's our chance.

But I've still got the thighs.

God, you eat slowly.

Well, I have got that bowel thing.

No, you haven't.

Oh, yeah.

MIKE: Yeah, no, that's cool.

No, no, no. No reason. I just thought if you

play a bit of Xbox or something, but it's fine.

Another time. Yep.

All right, say hello to...

-Hello?

Tut! Aw!

Coming up tonight

I like ya and I love ya

but I don't like ya. Know what I mean?

Yeah, I mean, no.

I just don't think

I have. You touched it.

That's not what I mean.

Right. I know you can hear me...

Amazing Kitty, so...

Now, I'm going to stay in here, okay?

And you stay... anywhere else.

I don't want any trouble.

I just want to watch my show, and eat my trifle,

Not that I will sleep.

Haunted house. On my own.

HUMPHREY: Oh.

Oh, visitors!

Intruders?

Intruders.

Intruders!

Rum tuka-tum, rum tuka-tum Rum tuka-tum...

Snare drum!

Pom pom pom

Pom-pom pa-rum-pum pa-dum

Ba ba ba...

Intruders!

Ba ba ba-dum ba Pom pom pom pom...

Anyone?

Ba ba ba-dum dum ba-dum

Ba ba ba ba ba

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba-dum ba ba

Oh, ba, ba

Ba ba ba ba Ba-ba-ba ba ba

Ba ba ba ba Ba ba...

Horn section!

Brum ba-rum bum bum bum...

Piccolo!

Bum bum ba ba

Bum bum ba ba

Daddle-addle-ah

Bum bum ba ba Bum bum bum bum

Baaa-nup

Ba ba ba doof!

Shh!

Whatever was that?

It's the Coldstream Guards.

No, no. It come from down stair.

-Now... -Ooh!

Ah, ah, ah!

JULIAN: Oh! I know what this is!

A masked ball!

No, no. We had this at the Bramptons'.

-A burglary! -Insurance fraud.

Oh, yes, I suppose it might actually be a burglary. Yes.

CAPTAIN: Good Lord, there's another one.

Well, I can't see no cameras.

Oh, it's you, Nev.

I didn't recognise you.

I was just wearing a hat.

Oh. Right.

Let's see what's worth nicking, shall we?

All right. We have enemy insurgents.

Somebody warn Alison. Tell her to inform

Where is she?

-In bed, I think. -I'll go!

In the meantime, we must not lose sight of them.

-Fanny, keep eyes on the leader. -Right.

Kitty, Mary, make a note of anything

We'll need a full inventory.

-Ahem... -A list.

Oh.

And as for you...

No! Leave this one to me.

I am placing you under a citizen's arrest.

You do not have to say anything,

but anything you do say will be taken...

Wurgh! Ohhh!

Cheeky little blighter.

Tray. One tray.

Silver tray.

How dare you!

You contemptible, odious...

Candlestick. One candlestick.

No, no, no. Those come as a pair.

-Forks. -Just forks?

A dinner service requires a full canteen!

He's taken nothing.

-Still nothing. -Yes, thank you, Mary.

Young man, you are heading down

But it's not too late, you know. You're yet to commit

Borstal.

You're going to borstal. They're going to eat you alive.

Nothing here.

See?

-VINNY: Anything? -

Can you smell that? What is that?

What?

I'm telling you, this place ain't right.

You ain't right. Come on, I think

-Right. -KITTY: DJ kit...

She's not here! Alison! He's alone up there.

Maybe she's left him!

Or gone out? Probably just gone out.

Gentlemen...

we're on our own.

Right. Box, 'nother box, bigger box.

And some worms.

It is a lot to remember.

No, it's only...

What did I just say?

Oh! Alison taught me a clever way

when I kept forgetting the colours in a rainbow.

You make a sentence with the same first letters.

So, it's Richard Of York

Gave Battle In Vain.

So that's red, orange, yellow...

grey...

-blue... -Yeah?

...indigo...

Very light blue.

A rainbow!

Sounds right.

So, candlesticks, cutlery,

and silver tray could be...

-Cups? -Yes!

Cups. And...

Oh, some more cups.

Exactly!

-Oh, that muddles things. -Oh.

Move it along, man! Push for the finish!

MALE OPERATOR: Emergency services.

MALE OPERATOR: What service do you require?

-The police, please! -The constabulary.

MALE OPERATOR: Do you need fire,

We not think this through.

MALE OPERATOR: Hello, is anyone there?

Oh! The plague girl can be heard!

-Yes! -To the pantry!

Hang on.

Was that always like that?

Ghosts! It was definitely ghosts!

Or I might have knocked it. I do do that.

What? Do you think someone's here?

Shouldn't be, but...

Let's be on the safe side.

Cut the phone line.

No. The main one.

No. The main one!

Outside.

-Come! Come! -JULIAN: This way. That's it.

THOMAS: What? Who did that?

Right, pay attention.

Just ask for the police. Tell them a burglary

at Button House, then give them

FEMALE OPERATOR: Emergency services.

-What service do you require? -Yes, please, Jemima.

Ring a ring o' roses

A pocket full of posies...

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hello, is anyone there?

-I think maybe that's all she does.

Why is no one ever alive when you need them?

Well... someone is.

Still nothing.

-Is he dead? -I wish.

No, I don't. Wait. Hang on...

-

Scratch his head.

Thatcher's dead?

No. Scratch his head. Or, like, jab him.

Come on. I'm exhausted!

-Don't complain about it. It's a gift.

Give me some space.

Shwa-da!

Oh, man!

Eeny, meeny, miny...

Main one.

-

You could try prodding his...

No!

No?

FEMALE OPERATOR: Hello? Can you hear me?

FEMALE OPERATOR: If you can hear me,

Hmm.

Did you cut the wrong cable?

It's possible.

What d'ya reckon?

Well, it's a fine piece. Look at the brushwork.

Dunno.

Oh, you "dunno". How are things at Sotheby's?

The frame's all cracked.

Forget the frame, just cut out the canvas!

Ugh!

Trust me, it'll work.

Look, I just... I don't feel comfortable...

Oh, not still asleep?

I have been trying!

But we need his help. He's our only hope.

Star Wars!

Well, I've done my bit. Good luck with it all.

-Well, you... -Wait!

In case of emergency...

break glass!

Fine.

But if I get RSI, I'm suing.

Come along.

Shammo!

Mi-wadi-wadi-wadi...

CAPTAIN: Push, man! Push!

Good quality.

ALL: Ooh!

Ah! Made in Britain.

Right.

-

-Shh!

Vin!

Maybe someone is in here.

-Or something. -Shut up, Nev.

Grab that candlestick.

Right.

Not that. That!

I thought this was a candlestick.

That's just a candle.

But it's in the shape of a stick.

Yes, the shape of a stick.

Look, just grab that!

All right, this isn't funny.

Stop messing about. Seriously.

He's up.

Yes, but how do we communicate with him?

Morse Code!

Will he know Morse Code?

BOTH: Everyone knows Morse Code.

Fine. I'll try.

But something light! Getting crampy.

Eh... Yes, probably not the best choice.

Hmm.

-They've... They've gone what?

Mike, I can barely hear you.

Rogue! They've gone rogue! The ghosts.

He on phone!

Robin?

Ooh! It Alison!

-Alison! There are insurgents!

I don't know why, but they've wrecked the joint

and broke the lights and blown the power

-and I don't know what I'm going to do.

Sorry, can you stop talking? Can you open the wardrobe door?

What makes you think I'm in the wardrobe?

-Are you? -Yes.

Yes.

Shush up! Shush up! One at a time.

Alison, there is a burglary in progress.

The authorities must be notified at once!

-Oh, my... -Over.

Mike! Mike, there are burglars in the house.

What?

Can you just hang up, and stay where you are

-I'm on my way! -Right.

Oh, no.

Oh, come on!

VINNY: Anything?

Nope. No one here.

Yeah, well, I definitely heard something.

Come on. Let's finish up

Right, if you can hear me,

knock three times.

Why three times?

-Yes! -Well done.

Well, yeah, you know.

Right. Okay. Where are the burglars now?

Well, how the hell am I supposed to answer that?

No, that doesn't... Erm...

What does she see in him?

Right, okay...

What weapons have they got?

No. How many burglars are there?

Yes, can do that.

-And where are they? -

Oh, this is futile.

Are they bigger than me? No...

Or smaller?

PAT: Oh! I think I've had an idea.

Me? Again?

Are you still here...

God! I haven't worked this hard since that animal welfare bill.

You had an animal welfare bill?

No, no. I was lobbying against it.

Balls to animals.

This way, everyone.

-To the bog! -MIKE: ...twice

-That's it.

Oh.

-Very good. -Good, good.

-Very good. -Yes, yes, yes.

-Ooh! -Okay, Robin.

Every time.

There we go.

Okay...

How many burglars are there?

-Ah. -All right. Here we go.

Two. Yes...

20?

I need to get out of here!

What are you doing? There's not 20!

No, I was writing, "2 of them."

Just write, "2."

Well, you know, hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

Moron!

Hi. Do you have a car?

-30 minutes. -Could it be 20?

It could be 40.

I'm sorry, are you haggling with... time?

Look, it's an hour, love. Take it or leave it.

What are you doing? Oi! What the...

CAPTAIN: Well, that's just wonderful, isn't it?

Michael's gone AWOL, Alison is off-base,

and we have absolutely no way of contacting the authorities.

We have to do something. Any ideas?

-Er... -Ooh!

Yes, please, Robin.

Oh, that's very helpful, isn't it? A deserter!

I could have you shot for that, you know!

Ooh...

Well...

NEV: Do you think this is gold?

-VINNY: No, it's silver. -

NEV: How do you know? VINNY: Because it's silver.

Just put it in the bag.

Hyah!

Why is everything so old?

NEV: Who's there?

-Me, you moron. -Oh, sorry, Vin.

Well, swaddle them in something!

If they crack, they're worth nothing.

Cut glass decanters!

Caused Godwin's dog...

Three pewter tankards!

...to puke up... turnip?

Juice!

I think putting it to music helped.

Erm, to be honest, I think I was nailing it anyways.

Hello.

Hello.

Were you murdered while hitchhiking too?

Huh?

Oh, no. Oh...

No. Er, no. I was...

I've got to go. I...

NEV: Anything else?

VINNY: Pete said there's disco lights.

Oh, what's got into them?

Burglars?

Stay there, Bunny.

They'll rue the day!

Hi. Hello?

Hi. Sorry, erm,

I know this is a long shot, but I need to

GIRL: Oh, look! Hi!

Hi.

I will survive

Oh, as long as I know how to love

I know I'll stay alive...

What? Out there? In the garden?

Who goes there?

Bitches!

No, no, no. Those were only pewter.

Save that space, and go back for the champagne!

-Just here, driver! -

It was just there.

Can you drop me...

I can jump off at the turning.

-GIRLS: Bye! -Bye!

I reckon that's it.

You've made your bed.

Don't come crying to me when you bend over in the shower

and someone puts drugs in your bottom!

I watched a film about borstal.

Bits of it.

Well, mission very much not accomplished.

At least tell me you got an inventory.

-Caused...

Two...

...Godwin's dog...

Three...

One...

...to puke up...

...turnips...

Cups.

And a rainbow!

VINNY: Just give them here. NEV: What?

Let's get out of here.

What?

Oh, my God, it's a ghost! I told you!

Get in the van, Nev.

MIKE: Yeah, run away. Go on...

Oh, just leaving the witness alive, are we?

Not even a threat of violence?

At least take some identification

and say you'll be back if he contacts the authori...

What have I become?

NEV: I can't believe we got away with it.

See? Absolute piece of...

Don't bally move!

I've got a problem with my bowel!

Move an inch and you will have.

Good girls. Good girls!

Ah! Annabel!

Alison.

-...pivots in the middle. -

-Ow! -I fought in an actual battle...

There are burglars!

Oh, you know that.

As a pivotal member of the local neighbourhood watch,

I was keeping my usual vigil over the surrounding estates...

The operator thought she heard a child,

so we traced the number and got the address.

What?

We'd have been too late if it weren't for your friend here.

Thank you.

No, no. Least I could do.

No one to blame but yourself, Neville.

Mark my words.

Gonna throw the book at you, son.

-What do you reckon? -No previous.

You what?

I mean, they do still freak me out.

But, well... they did good tonight.

Yeah, they properly saved our skins.

And to think, when I first met them,

they seemed so selfish.

Well, close the door, then!

I've had a hell of a day.