Original subtitles

Now, that brings me neatly to point 16.

There is still a great deal of noise going on at night,

laughing, giggling, horseplay.

Now, we all get bored. That's inevitable

But may I remind you, we are at war.

I wo... Ah. Lieutenant!

Communique for you, sir, from HQ, marked urgent.

Ah. Finally! This'll be my requisition

-Good God! -Sir?

France has surrendered.

-My God! -

The Germans are coming!

I... don't think they'll be here

What? Right.

May I suggest we initiate the emergency

Yes!

Yes, jolly good.

No, it's vital that nothing fall into enemy hands.

-You heard the CO. Get to your duties.

Er... Exciting times, Havers.

If they do invade, we may get

Yes!

About that, sir...

I know we do vital work here, sir...

but I want to get involved in the fighting.

I've put in for a transfer.

You're leaving?

There's talk of a North Africa front.

Yes.

Yes, well, I totally understand,

Carry on.

Thank you.

PAT: And seeing as nobody else has volunteered, I thought

that this evening, before Film Club, I would

activity badges!

-So...

ALL: There are 37 badges that you can collect.

-Badge number one, bivouacking! -PAT: All right!

Clever dicks.

But I'm sorry, I mean, if anyone else has anything new

-that they'd like to... -Ooh, ooh, I could do my talk

on how to skin a mammoth. You start at the end...

-That's not new! -That's not strictly new, is it?

I think I'm ready to talk about the witch trial.

Witch trial...

If... If it be of interest.

PAT: Oh!

Oh, Mary!

I mean, if you're sure.

-I mean, if you feel like you're ready.

it's taken me a whiles to talk.

Only about 300 years.

But, yeah, I think I'm ready.

Brillo pads.

You okay?

Can't flipping wait!

And we'll do that before Film Club.

Before. Okay.

-And how many rooms do you have? -Well, I think there's, like...

Natural light! So that's a...

-Ooh! Period stairs...

clearly.

Interesting space.

Sort of...

rustic.

Colonial!

Quite a niche market, wedding-wise.

I heard Isabelle from Belle's Weddings passed

-Ah, no, I was sick near her. -Mmm.

Some went on her. A little bit.

Can I be honest with you?

I don't like it.

I love it! It is a little shabby

but with a bit of zhuzhing up, this could really suit

-the right couple. -And do you happen to have

who are interested, like...

-BOTH: Soon? -There is one.

Clare. I'm showing her some other places today.

She wants to book in ASAP.

-Shotgun wedding! -Ah...

I'm kidding.

I think this could work for them.

Piano, tick! Open fireplace, tick!

Canape room, tick.

Mood painting of creepy old lady, tick.

Kitchen, tick. Perfectly placed

to allow you to flow right through this corridor,

straight into your garden at the back, where you can

right here!

Oh, no!

Er, yeah.

We can't show people this!

There's rough around the edges, and then there's a bombsite.

We haven't quite got round to clearing it yet. But we will.

By this afternoon?

-When? -What?

I was going to bring Clare round after showing her

but I can't show her this!

You have to make space for this sort of marquee

if you want to host weddings here.

Without it, you've no catering flow.

No flow, no go.

-Yeah... -Guys,

you've got to get it wedding ready.

-We'll clear it. -We will?

Is what I wanted to hear!

Let's make this happen.

I'll delay Clare as long as I can. Say...

4:00? Ciao-ciao!

MIKE: Five hours?

Loads of time.

PAT: So, Film Club! Now, I know it's not my turn

I would like to lobby hard...

for Top Gun.

Not again!

I don't know about you, Mary, but, I quite like the look of...

ooh, Chariots Of Fire?

No. Actually, er, how about...

Mississippi Burning?

Towering Inferno?

-Hmm! -Huh!

-Maybe she is ready. -Could be the case.

Anyway, it's my turn to choose this week,

-so tish-tish-tish... -I don't think so, mate!

Faradiddle, sir!

You had your turn two weeks ago. You swapped with me.

No, no, I don't recall to that. And even if I did,

-it would have been a verbal, non-binding agreement.

I would show you my glove, sir! If I had one.

I would give you a bunch of fives, mate.

I used to box for Cambridge, you know!

Go! Let's go!

Guys, guys, guys, guys! S'il vous plait!

-French. -Ooh!

Why don't we put it to the vote?

Oh, yeah, put it to the people, like they know

Hands up who thinks it's Thomas's turn.

I've got my hand up.

Probably. Somewhere.

Ra-da-da-da-da! Hang on, not everyone's here.

Well, where are they?

Oh!

Hmm! Ooh!

ALISON: Oh... my... God.

Oh, Martin's right. We're never going to be

Well, let's get redding-we... redding-ready. Er, wed...

-Oh, no.

-Ready... -Alison, if you please,

that it's his turn to choose Film Club,

Please, everyone, we're having a bit

This is a crisis. You know? I mean, it might not be

-but this is very... -Guys, guys, guys, guys...

Shut up! Good.

Let her speak. It's all right,

We're trying to get this wedding booking.

Oh, there's going to be a wedding?

How wonderful!

The dresses, the men, the kissing...

But we need to clear this whole garden by four!

-MIKE AND PAT: Hang on a minute. -Ooh, jinx.

-You go first, Michael. -We can do it.

If we clear that... Hmm...

And then we move this...

And I'll help, too.

-How, Pat? -I could be your wingman!

You know, like in Top Gun.

I can be Goose to your Maverick. Yeah.

I keep this lot occupied while you do

And Goose dies in the film, so, y'know... it works out,

Thanks, Pat.

Yeah. Course we can fit a marquee in.

I mean, how hard can it be? They put a man on the moon.

What? What? What he say?

-Er... -Man on moonah?

Okay, I'll go get the tools. You check the measurements.

-Let's get redding red... -Wedding ready.

-Redding... -Wedding ready.

-Let's get wedderi... -It's wedding ready.

Let's do this!

-Yesss! -MARY: Alison?

What was the man doing up there on the moon?

They went to explore.

-Oh! -THOMAS: And how did

Climb up a beanstalk, did he? You're dicked in the knob.

-Wha... -ROBIN: I don't believe it.

-No. No. -There's no way it could happen!

Pat, now would be a really good moment

Great! Okay, everyone, let's turn and burn.

-Oh, sorry, Mary. -

It's a quote from Top Gun.

Let's grab the computer that folds.

FANNY: Oh, goodness me!

Ooh! Oh!

But he's such a...

a ruffian!

Oh!

Oh!

FANNY: Mmm!

PAT: Think about it, Robin.

Man has always looked up at the moon and thought...

"Can you eat it?"

No, "Can you walk on it?"

Press play.

In 1969, the world watched in wonder

as three brave astronauts took off from Cape Canaveral.

-Their destination, the moon. -ROBIN: Ooh!

PAT: It was an amazing moment.

Everyone remembers where they were.

I was with Carole, at her parents'.

Fish and chips for tea.

It was the first time I ever tried a battered

Never looked back!

JULIAN: I missed the whole thing. I was still

Busy having my own "moon landing."

If you know what I mean!

My first threeso...

-Moonah! -CAPTAIN: Ah, there you are.

What's going on here?

Oh! I'm, helping Alison. Yes,

keeping this lot busy while she and Mike

Which garden?

How are you getting on?

It's going to be a squeeze. First, we have to clear

CAPTAIN: No! No.

Belay that order, Michael. You can't dig there.

Wait. Sorry, one second, Mike.

Didn't you tell them we're busy?

-Most of them are watching YouTube.

Why can't we dig there?

Because that's a very special part

That was where our allotment was,

Okay, it's fine, Mike, you can just keep digging.

But, no, it's where we buried our pets.

Er... my dog is buried there,

right there. And he was very special to me. Barry.

Barry? Barry.

Wait, Mike.

So, sorry, you had a dog called Barry?

Mmm.

Okay. Mike, you can just carry on.

No, thank you, Michael!

-Ohh! Ohhh! -Oh, that was a deep one.

Call him off! Call him off, I tell you.

Okay, just one second, Mike.

When I was at Button House, there was a war on.

I don't think that's ever come up before.

There is something buried down there

Captain, the war is over.

Is it, Alison? Is it?

Yes, it is.

Please.

Don't dig.

There is something down there...

that is potentially explosive if it gets out.

Er...

Mike, do you think we could clear the other side?

Just the other side, Michael.

Looks like a lot of work.

-Sorry. It's a ghost thing. -Well...

Yep.

-Come!

Ah! Havers.

At ease, at ease. I was just thinking about you,

-How's the emergency lockdown coming?

-Most items have been squared away, as per the order.

-I see... -I've come to tell you that...

Sorry, you first, Lieutenant.

I'm afraid I'm leaving you, sir.

At 1800 hours this evening.

So soon?

That would explain your new service revolver.

I don't suppose they sent one for me, did they?

Only for frontline personnel at this stage, sir.

Of course. Yes.

It's North Africa, sir.

I'll be able to have a proper swing at Fritz!

You make sure you give them a bloody nose!

I shall miss you, Havers.

By which I mean, of course, that we shall miss you.

And I know the Button House XI will certainly miss

Thank you, sir.

Well, if that's all...

Yes.

I say, Havers?

It's a bally shame we won't get to finish

...which leads to the question,

where next?

Mars, or even the outer edge of our solar system?

Only time will tell.

Well, I never.

-Anyway, Film Club. -Yes! Now,

I was thinking 9½ Weeks.

-Over my already dead body, sir! -Fine by me!

Guys, guys, look, why don't we settle this

Quite right. Let's settle this like men.

Would you care to step outside, sir?

Yes, I would, sir.

Indeed, sir.

Guys, you don't have to do...

Where are you going? I promised Alison

Okay, the moon landings.

but what if that's just what they wanted you to believe?

Oh!

Right, you both know the rules, so we're agreed.

Let's sort this once and for all.

On three.

One, two,

three...

-What's that supposed to be? -Pistol.

-Thomas... -I always choose pistol.

Oh, yeah, it really worked out for you last time,

There were circumstances around my death,

It's rock, paper, scissors, Thomas. I thought I told you.

No, it's all right, let's play it his way.

One, two, three...

-What's this now? -AK-47 assault rifle.

Sold 50 crates of these bad boys to the Libyans in '83.

Paid for my orangery! You can have one of these,

-Well, you don't get two weapons!

And this. Pshhhhh!

You're on fire, mate. Agh!

-Sorry, Mary. -Well, no, actually, because...

Sorry!

-Agh! I'm melting! -Can't feel it.

What should we do with all this?

Maybe just pile it up over there and then

I think we might just do this.

See? Told you!

Redding red...

Redditch...

-We got this. -Mmm.

Oh, great...

How are we going to move that?

I think we might have to break it up

-with a big hammer or something. -What?

We can't do that! Can we?

-I wanna. -Florence!

Oh... Wait.

I can already tell this isn't good news.

Who's Florence, Kitty?

She was one of my best friends.

I used to play hide-and-seek in the garden

with my sister, and I was so good at hiding

that often she couldn't find me for a whole day and night!

I once got so hungry I had to eat a bit of my purse.

Florence kept me company.

Oh, so you made a statue of her?

-No, she is a statue. -Eh?

THOMAS: That's enough. We'll sort this out right now.

-PAT: Guys! -Oh, I'd forgotten

Zoinks!

Where've you been hiding?

Guys, she's a statue! Pat, you were supposed to be

-keeping everyone occupied. -Yeah...

It's like herding cats!

I'm sorry, Alison. I'm a terrible wingman.

Well, can you at least sort out these two?

Yes.

Oh! Hang on!

Guys? I think I've had an idea.

Follow me. Let's turn and burn! Again.

So, are we smashing this up, or what?

All right, one sec, Mike. No, Kitty, please.

Oh, please stop, please. We won't...

We're just going to, er... We could move her.

It's a deal. As long as you play

Ah.

-So we're moving her? -Yeah. Sorry.

I think you might be an expert

-at this game. -I'm very good at it, yes.

-Okay. Well, you hide first. -Ooh!

Ooh-hoo... One,

-two... -You'll never find me, Alison!

...three...

Okay.

Sorry.

...and that's why

at the grassy knoll. I mean, look at those angles.

WOMAN: ...because Elvis Presley did not die that day

MAN 2: That's how we know

the British monarchy was replaced by lizards.

No, it's fine. I have to say,

Game on!

See what you've got.

-Julian, serve! -Bring it!

Fie!

Whoaaaaa!

Yeah!

Whoa!

Hello, Alison.

Oh!

Ohhh! You found me!

-Oh, I found... -Oh, you're playing, too!

I don't know... Yes!

No one has ever found me before, ever!

-You're so good at this. -Thank you.

Right, your turn to hide.

I'll count, you hide, and I'll seek.

-Okay. -One...

-Oh, it's numbers! -Two...

-Oh, no, it's numbers! -Three...

Oh!

Ooh! Oh!

-CAPTAIN: Fanny! Fanny! -Oh!

-Oh, Captain! -Fanny, are you quite all right?

No. No, I found myself having a, er...

a conniption fit.

-Good Lord! -I have become...

attracted to someone.

Well, Fanny, I, er...

I'm very flattered, but I've got a lot of problems

-of my own at the moment... -Oh, good heavens, no!

-No? -Not you!

-No, no, no. Never you! -No, silly.

No, I cannot say who.

But I know not what to do.

Now, steady, Fanny, steady the Buffs.

Now, look here, nothing good will come of it.

You must take that emotion and you must bury it.

Never let it out.

No more, Fanny, no more.

Wha...

Ooh! Oh!

Any luck?

Just can't move...

-It's pointless!

MIKE: That was my favourite toe!

ALISON: You have a favourite toe?

MIKE: Don't you have a favourite toe?

ALISON: Oh, I'd not really thought about it, Mike.

No, no, not fair. The head was out.

THOMAS: What! Tell them, Humphrey.

Oh, don't ask me. I'm just happy to be part of

-Right, well,

-as the judge here... -Oh, yeah.

Yeah, let's listen to the judge.

-Let's listen to the man. -What?

Lone gunman? Do me favour!

And Paul McCartney died in 1966. I know it.

Don't even get me started on the so-called

-HUMPHREY: Whooo! -Sorry!

-Oh, don't worry. It's actually quite a nice view.

-I have found you! -Ohhh!

-That was wonderful! -Now, erm, you hide

-Yes. No peeking! -No, no peeking.

-One...

Two...

Three...

-Four... -Oh, I'm so done with this.

No. No.

-You know what? -MARY: Fourteen...

We've cleared loads. I'll get rid of the garden waste

and we'll make the best of it. Huh?

-Yeah. -Alison!

-There is something

It is a matter of moral rectitude,

-ROBIN: Open your eyes! -Next, you'll be telling me

-gravity doesn't exist! -Well, you can't see it.

-How do you know? -Alison,

could you explain to Robin that the moon landings

The moon landings!

-You cannot be serious. -MARY: Ninety-six,

ninety-seven,

ninety-eight,

ninety-nine. One hundred!

Oh. Ah...

What the bally hell do you think you're playing at?

Alison! Get away from there!

Get down! Get right out of the way.

It's a bomb!

Mike, Mike, get back! Just get back!

Go!

Get down!

FANNY: Captain?

-Oh. -

Yeah, maybe you right about gravity.

Now, I realise that was an utterly futile gesture,

but I was very much caught up in the moment.

Wh... What the hell was that?

I was very clear, Alison.

What? I didn't think you meant literally explosive!

-it was scandalous. -No!

It was a prototype limpet mine.

It was so secret, that only I knew about it.

And my second-in-command, Lieutenant Havers, but...

he left me.

I mean, he left for the front.

So, er, I had to bury it on my own,

Operation William, it was called.

-Oh, that's Martin.

-That was a ghost thing? -Yeah.

Maybe next time, tell me if there's a bomb!

I didn't know!

Okay,

I'll stall Clare and Martin in the house and you just...

Oh, you just do what you can.

Yeah. Actually, a very clever little device,

a cunning timing mechanism

in the housing allowed the frogmen

Anyway...

They've gone, haven't they?

-Good! -Go on.

Ah, Robin. Now, so, they had four suckers.

-Suckers. -And they attached

underneath the waterline, blew a hole in the boat,

and then, of course, the boat sank.

...and this is the main common room.

Again.

-And we thought... -It is really nice,

Did you want to see the library?

-Again? -I'd really love to see

Now...

Clare, I need you to keep an open mind.

We know that the rest of the house

and we are working on the garden, believe me.

Erm...

Redding weddy!

I love it!

Great!

PAT: Okay,

so, really exciting presentation tonight, guys.

As promised, Mary is going to be giving

No, sorry, no!

I've had, a... a bit of a setback.

Okay. Okay, yeah, that's understandable, isn't it,

-Sorry. -Yes. So, now, seeing as

we technically didn't finish the match,

I'm calling the volleyball game a draw.

-What? Are you on drugs? -No! I was ahead!

That's enough. That's absolutely enough.

Now, since we can't resolve this,

I've decided that I'm going to choose

Is it Love Actually? I love Love Actually, actually.

-9½ Weeks. -The Notebook.

Please don't shout out, okay?

The film I've chosen has something for everyone.

Drama, visual poetry...

It's got some of your lot in it, Robin.

-Ooh! -And some pretty ladies

Yeah!

It is, of course...

2001: A Space Odyssey.

Thanks, Pat. You can be my wingman any time.

Bullshit, you can be mine.

It's from Top Gun.

ALISON: Just here.

Ooh, that's got a kick to it, that.

-Okay. -Mmm. Mmm!

What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Oh! No, just a passing fancy is all, Alison.

-Kitty, I'm sorry about Florence.

I wasn't really that fond of her, anyway.

You're a much better best friend than she was.

Thanks, Kitty.

Wait. No, that not right.

-What? -Earth not round. It flat.

-You what? -It flat.

-To our first wedding booking! -Cheers.

Here's to buried secrets.