Original subtitles

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He's back! Mick's back!

-Mick? -Mick's back!

-Mick's back! -He is! Look!

-Hi, everyone! -WOMAN: Hi, Mickie!

All right, all right!

One at a time, let him speak! Speak, Mick.

Oh, it was the adventure of my life.

I had an orange...

-Did you? -Oh!

I saw a bear kill a man...

Oh, gosh!

And I met the king!

No, you didn't!

-Did you? -

You met the king?

-Yeah. -Ooh, jel.

Went on his boat. Fishing.

-Fishing... -Yeah, he asked me

-but I said no way I'm leaving you lot.

Sweetie!

Mick!

I'd always wanted to visit the city,

You have. That's always been

-You had, yeah. -Ooh, almost forgot.

I got you all some gifts!

-That's naughty of you! -

You didn't think I'd go all that way without

Got loads of salt.

-And... -MAN: For us?

-WOMAN: Look at them! -I can't believe

Yeah!

-It's all quality stuff. -That's so generous of you!

Yeah, one each! Yeah!

Help yourselves!

-Mick, that's naughty... -Help yourselves!

-WOMAN: Look at it!

Alison!

Alison!

Alison! Alison!

- Alison!

Alison! - Oh, my God.

CAPTAIN: Alison! Alison!

Alison!

Oh, my God.

Alison! Alison!

Alis... Right. Stand by.

Ready, steady, go!

For king and country!

Oh, I feel so sick.

Can you get me some water?

Get your own w...

I've lost my voice.

I don't remember leaving the pub.

Must've had fun.

At least we don't have to work today.

MIKE: Make it stop.

Hello?

Sorry, who from who?

-Isabelle from Belle's Weddings? -

-Yeah, ah, thanks

Yeah, we're really keen to be on your books...

If you'll have us.

It's a lovely house.

Today?

I wonder if... if...

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. Okay, today...

Today's fine. Today's fine.

Maybe just sort of, like, late, after...

1:00 is it? Okay.

All right.

Okay, bye!

Oh, my God.

Okay, I just need to shake this off...

Ohh.

Bit of breakfast.

We'll be fine.

Shut your mouth! It is a mansion!

Yeah, boy!

The impertinence!

Oh, this looks like fun!

The bally nerve! It's gone midnight.

Yeah, it is very late. Yeah, absolutely.

-Welcome to my house! -

Alison!

Alison...

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

They came back.

I think I did my throat bass.

Yeah, you did.

Oh.

Shall we just call back and cancel?

No way, we need it.

We can get this clean in time.

Have you seen my other shoe?

Uh-uh.

Okay. You get people out.

No.

I'm going to get bin bags.

She awakes.

Oh, God.

As radiant as the sunrise itself.

My mouth tastes like the inside of a bin.

I would have made you breakfast if I could.

Perhaps a lamb's kidney and onion.

Oh, stop it!

I wanted to thank you for last night.

I'll never forget those words you said to me.

What did I say?

Something that touched me very deeply.

Forgive me, I know I've not had

but I wonder if I might...

Thomas, it's fine. You're part of the family.

Thank you, Alison, a thousand thank-yous!

Oh, that! Yeah, yeah, I meant it.

Are you okay?

Okay.

-It's home time.

Come on, man. It's time to go.

Why d'you sound like Batman?

I lost my voice. You've got to go home, bruv.

Got a wedding planner coming to look

Come on, then.

-Where are your shoes? -

I'll go.

Oh, hi, Michael. Sorry about that.

I was just wondering if you could just

-We're a bit fragile. -We're actually just finished.

-At last! -

We'll miss them, won't we?

We made rather an exciting discovery, actually.

Because, you see, none of the surrounding

so we know the disease was brought here...

-That's new.

...by a visitor or an individual who went elsewhere and returned.

It could be anyone, I suppose, couldn't it?

But then we found a few samples of textiles and furs

and we can be certain that they were host

to plague-carrying fleas.

Once they got out, you've got no chance!

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.

I don't think sorry's going to cut it, mate.

Ah, Alison, there you are!

Would you mind putting Guernsey's Nazi Past

I haven't watched my football yet.

Would you kindly tell Patrick that he missed his turn

and a miss is as good as a mile?

Guys, please, can you keep it down?

-No, Alison, I'm sorry... -I don't care!

She doesn't!

-Alison! -

Oh, I... Actually, I can't...

I can't deal with this this morning.

So hungover... I actually, genuinely...

Hm, you need a remedy.

Hair of the dog, love. Just drink more booze.

-Did you say that last night? -Yes.

I have the cure.

Soak some mushrooms in milk of the goat and vinegar

till it's all warm and musty...

-No, stop it... -

Well, you see, Alison,

this is what happens when you overindulge.

-Square! -When you give in

You reap what you sow. You reap what you sow,

and now the soil returns...

Hey.

Morrow.

Oh, actually, no, yeah, good.

Hey, look. Cola!

Best thing for it.

Oh, God, that is...

-Oh, no, sorry. -Ah, here she is!

The madam! The hostess!

Just when I think you have grasped the responsibility

you turn this place into a den of iniquity,

inviting goodness-knows-who to do goodness-knows-what.

Sorry, I think someone's hid my clothes.

Good Lord!

I shudder to think what happened under this roof last night.

This place is full of breakables,

treasured family heirlooms,

irreplaceable bits of historical...

Nothing's damaged and it's just a mess

So, just don't... don't worry.

Well, don't think I won't notice.

Oh, God!

Where's Dante?

Dante?

The dog.

-Can we get a photo with him? -Oh, yes, let's get

-Have you got your phone? -A photograph with the girls!

Here's to me, too!

-Cheers! -KITTY: Cheers!

Kitty's having a wonderful time at the party! Don't forget me!

-That's good! -My turn!

My turn! Take a photo with me!

Alison! Alison, sorry to bother you.

The Captain asked me to convey a message

just to turn the music off

and to "cease talking immediately."

Tell him to stick it.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh!

-He's not here. -Ooh, you're in trouble now.

But I thought he was just an ornament.

No, he did mean a lot to Lady B.

Loved it like her own child.

Once told me she loved it more than anything else

Well, I'm sure that...

-Thanks, Alison. Great party! -Same time next week?

-Ha-ha-ha. No! -MIKE: I don't think so, mate.

Good luck, mate! You're not going to make it.

-Oh! -Oh, yes!

Yeah, boy!

-Ready? -I was born ready.

'Tis a fair old wangle, that. You haven't got the strength.

-I got this. -Whoa! Ha-hey!

-"Stick it"? -Wahey!

Afraid so.

-In my bottom, presumably. -Ohh.

Well, you go down there and you tell her...

Me turn!

Whoa! Whoa!

Wahey!

Yes! Well done!

-Told you! -It's a stupid game anyways.

You stupid.

I didn't think this through...

Just getting my shoes.

I can't say I'm surprised that something

-I'll have to tell her, of course.

I will not allow Fanny to be deceived

-No more war documentaries, then.

It's classified. She'd have to kill me first.

-Well, you know what I mean. -Right. Find the dog. Clean up.

Two hours... Oh, my word! Wow! Why?

What are you doing up here?

We're actually going to live up here now, actually.

-Mick killed us all. -Which is not remotely cool.

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We can't be sharing the place with these plebeians.

-What? -He gave us all the plague.

Yeah, look.

And this.

-

-And this. -Oh, what even is it?

-Guys, please! -Oh, here she is!

Guys, please, please...

Piss off, Mick!

Can you please go back downstairs?

Because, no offence, but you're actually

We're not going anywhere.

-Mick should go if anyone's doing going!

-Order! Order!

We need to come to an understanding here.

These... people...

People? Yeah. People.

These people deserve a full inquiry, chaired by me.

Get to the bottom of this business.

Ha! You couldn't get to the bottom of a birdbath.

I'll have you know I have extensive experience

It'll be nice to be the one asking the questions,

for a change. Haa...

Come on, then, oiks.

Come on, let's go.

Not all of you, just your sharpest minds.

Well, that's definitely me. You go through.

-Do I have to come? -Yeah, you have to come.

It's all about you, innit? Right, you stay here.

No, you stay. You definitely stay.

Right, you guys search for Dante.

And tell the others. I've got to clear up.

-Patrick, you get the others... -Right, you find the others...

-I'll begin the search. -I'll start looking upstairs.

BOTH: I'm not taking orders from you!

What is the matter with you two this morning?

Can you just... Can you just

Well...

Oh, boy.

Don't do it, mate. Whatever it is, don't do it.

-Ohh! -No, no, no, no, no...

Come on!

Alison!

Alison!

She can't hear you. I can't hear you.

JULIAN: Yes, here we go.

A bit more of that.

It's called a Long and Strong.

It's called a Long and Strong.

-And a slug of dark rum. -Dark rum!

-Yeah! -Ohh!

Oh, no! Oh, no! I spilled wine on him.

I've heard white wine helps.

-Got it. -Oh, yeah, salt helps.

Is that helping?

Maybe try white wine.

Actually, white wine's meant to be best, isn't it?

I said it first!

Nice little bath!

I said it first!

That's a good dog. You're fine.

Where are you?

Who? Who are you looking for?

Nothing. No one. Mike.

Ah. Well, I saw him going upstairs.

No trousers on. No shoes. At this hour!

I'll tell him.

Hmm.

Oh, God.

And, Mick,

is it fair to say that these boxes of cloths and furs

could have been brought in by anyone?

No, I brought that box back

when I come back from London when I gone there.

-He confesses! -Killer!

He's just admitted to it!

Order! Order!

Shut up a second, please!

-Oh, right, you do it for her! -Has anyone seen a stuffed dog?

-Mick probably killed it. -Gone walkies, has he?

Yeah.

-You can't teach an old dog new tricks!

Hey, stay out of my personal dance space!

You call that dancing?

You do but bounce, boy!

I bounce good!

CAPTAIN: Stop it! Stop it!

Patrick!

Patrick! What on God's green earth do you think

-Well... -I sent you down here

to stop this nonsense and now you're joining in!

Carousing! You are a spineless little traitor!

-Oh, naff off, you wazzock! -Yes!

-Go out of it! -You'll see. Right!

CAPTAIN: He's the wazzock...

-Oh, there, there. What ails thee?

Alison... hates me!

Let it all out.

I always feel better after little cry.

Have a little rest in here.

Oh.

Oh, God!

Oh, half an hour!

Mike!

I could really do with your help down here!

I could do with your help up here!

-Ah. -I've just checked in there.

Well, I'd like to check for myself, please, Patrick.

-Fine. Fine. -Checking what?

In my room?

Mice.

Yes. Robin spotted some earlier in the kitchen.

And we know you're not fond, so we thought we'd... ch-check.

Dante!

Dan...

Who's Daniel?

Oh, I was just doing a song about the nice names.

Daniel, Veronica

Ugh.

I already checked in there.

No one listen to me. I don't know why I bother.

Sorry.

Oh, she sleeps now.

Look so peaceful.

Oh!

Right, well, he's not in there. No need to look again.

What's going on?

-Y... -What?

Tony!

Tony!

Tony! Tony!

Tone... No, no, no, no.

Tone... Tone... Tony! Tony!

Long way down! You know that.

Oh...

Any luck?

-Negative. -Nothing, I'm afraid.

-And you? -Uh.

I might know where he is.

Oh, thank goodness, Kitty. Where?

Oh, you can hear me now, can you?

You've decided I exist again?

Oh, God. Kitty, you know that it's very difficult

Actually, I think I tried to tell you that last night.

I'm so sorry, Kitty, but I can't talk right now,

because I've got guests here.

Kitty, I'm so sorry, but I can't talk right now

because I've got guests here.

Kitty, I'm so sorry, but I...

Oh! I thought you were talking to someone else called Kitty.

No.

Well, that's fine, then.

Friends forever.

Great. Great.

Yes, so where's Dante?

Have you tried by the front door?

That's where he usually is.

-Thank you, Kitty. -You're welcome!

There's no way we're going back down there with him.

I said I was sorry. I'm really sorry.

-You killed my kids, mate. -I've got a boil the size of...

Look, look, look, we all have

you know, but we move on.

I'm sure you can all remember something that annoyed you

but that after a while... You know?

Yeah, like when John milked my cow

-There you are. -I asked your wife.

-That's not good enough, though, is it?

-in my own marriage? -What I'm saying...

-Walter ate my best apple. -Only 'cause he widdled

-He did do that. I saw him. -Yeah.

-I improved it, if anything. -What?

Yeah, you can't do faces. I'm sorry, you can't do faces.

What's that got to do...

I would have killed you if he hadn't killed you!

-I would have bled you out... -Order! Order!

Mike? What are you doing?

She'll be here soon!

So, how goes the search?

What, for the dog or the husband?

Ha. You'd think he'd be more helpful

Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you?

I've been thinking... about what you said.

And I know nothing has changed.

But everything has changed, has it not?

-If we could only... -Mike!

Honestly, he's probably asleep again.

Snoring, as he was last night.

What?

Thank you for walking me home.

And thank you.

It really was the merriest party this house has seen

I shall bid you goodnight, then.

Thomas?

Yes?

If I was 400 years older...

and... you were alive...

and we were the same age, and if I wasn't,

you know, with Mike, then...

you and me might have...

Night.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, Thomas, I didn't mean to...

Dante!

Oh, God.

Can we please get back to the business in hand?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Excuse me! I'm not about to take diplomacy lessons

from a diseased, unwashed... you know!

-I beg your pardon? -Sorry?

What's that supposed to mean? "Unwashed"?

I had a bath every year.

Well... you smell!

There, I said it.

That's a nasty thing to say.

Not just him. Yeah, you all do.

-How dare you? -What are you saying?

It isn't the point...

-Hang on, you can't take it back now!

No, I don't want to take it back.

You smell of dung, of caca, of poo-poo.

Yes! I don't know how I thought this could work.

None of you have got any respect.

You know, that's the problem with the common man...

he doesn't know when to shut up

and listen to the voice of reason.

Oh, God, this is... Oh, God, it's really horrible.

Just stuff its head back into shape

Yes, I know, but...

-Maybe use some tissues or something.

-Underneath the tail. -Bum. Bum.

She's coming!

-Quick, quick, quick. -THOMAS: Start stuffing.

Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper.

Oh, God.

MARY: You're doing it! KITTY: Stay calm.

-KITTY: Shh, shh. -Oh, God, he's still wet.

Stick him by the fire, he'll soon dry out.

Make haste!

-Yeah, no, yeah, no.

Yeah, no...

-Oh! Nice to see you. -Oh, hello, you!

CAPTAIN: Hello, Fanny. ROBIN: How are you doing?

What's Dante doing there?

Well, I was just tidying up and I thought

that we should try him in a new spot.

-Yes, he's nice there. -

He used to like sitting by the fire.

-Ugh.

Oh, yeah, that'll be the pigeons, mate.

Amazing how much they produce.

We did it.

Well, I did it.

Well, it was difficult, but my careful diplomacy

led them to a full reconciliation.

I'm not staying up here with him.

I'd rather live with Mick, and he killed my whole family.

-I am sorry. -That's all right, Mick.

-They were lovely furs. -MICK: Yeah, to die for.

-I suppose... -You know, people say things...

-...sometimes you get carried away...

...and I really didn't mean to, and...

Well, all I want to say is I'm sorry...

-...I'd like to forget... -...and it's good to have you

We cool?

Yeah, we be cool.

Okay.

Mike, where are you? She's here!

-Oh, God. -

Okay, everyone, shh!

Welcome to Button House!

Ow!

-Urgh! -