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1
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-Hi.
-Good evening.
2
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Fully booked again tonight?
3
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-I'm sorry?
-
4
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-You...
-
5
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-
6
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-
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MAN: Morning.
WOMAN 1: Morning.
8
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-WOMAN 2: Good morning.
-
9
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Living the dream.
10
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ALISON: It's clear.
11
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Yes!
12
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On your marks.
13
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Get set.
14
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Go!
15
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For King and country!
16
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-Morning.
-Morning.
17
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If music be the food of love...
18
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-He just really speaks to me.
-Oh, no, not this berk again.
19
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Get a job!
20
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Oh, eh, eh, four down is bum.
21
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Bum. Bum.
22
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,000
Robin, for the last time,
no newspaper's gonna...
23
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:54,000
Three letter,
gluteus maximus...
24
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,000
-Oh, yeah, you're right.
-...is bum.
25
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-Yeah.
- Buh, uh...
26
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-Good. Very good.
-JULIAN: Come on!
27
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-Come on.
-Yes.
28
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000
-Okay.
-Yes.
29
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,000
Takes me back
to the David Lloyd in Chelsea.
30
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:11,000
-So where did we get to?
-Er, World Cup '86.
31
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It's quarterfinals.
32
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-England-Argentina.
-Ah, right.
33
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Ah, the hand of God.
34
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You what?
35
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Maradona scores with a handball.
Swings the match.
36
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Well, don't tell me
the score...
37
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2-1 to Argentina.
38
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What's wrong with you?
39
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-You absolute...
-Dikhet.
40
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-Robin!
-Is six-letter permit to travel,
41
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-dikhet!
-Oh, ticket!
42
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-Dikhet!
-Ticket!
43
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-Here.
-Yeah. Okay.
44
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,000
You're getting good at these.
45
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Well, me very clever. Ugh.
46
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Hey!
47
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-Uh-uh!
-Ugh.
48
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'Orse.
49
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000
Huh. Huh-huh-huh-horse.
50
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Oh. Laughing 'orse.
51
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Thank you.
52
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,000
-Absolute filth!
-
53
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,000
Oh, thanking you kindly.
54
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:10,000
Oh! I do not like
where this is going.
55
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-Morning.
56
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,000
-Morning,
-Hi, Alison.
57
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-Back to the grindstone.
58
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,000
-Yeah.
-Which reminds me,
59
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we found this grindstone.
60
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,000
14th century.
61
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,000
Honestly, your cellar
is literally a gold mine.
62
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,000
-When you say literally?
-Archaeologically speaking.
63
00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:28,000
Ah, yeah.
64
00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:32,000
Here we go, then.
65
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,000
Oh, push it!
66
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:39,000
-Well?
-Two minutes, 30.
67
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,000
Same as... Well, always.
68
00:03:40,000 --> 00:03:42,000
I mean, it's always
two minutes, 30.
69
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,000
Blast!
70
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,000
-Well, keep at it.
-Hmm.
71
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,000
Maybe I need to try
some new stretches or something?
72
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:51,000
Yeah. Or maybe you
can't really get any faster,
73
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,000
you know,
because you can't build muscle,
74
00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:54,000
what with you being...
75
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:58,000
And I mean this with
all the love in the world,
76
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We didn't win the war
with attitudes like that,
77
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,000
-No.
-No!
78
00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:05,000
Right. I'm going to go
and stretch my hams.
79
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,000
ALISON: Well, I mean,
they won't stretch,
80
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:09,000
He's dead.
81
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,000
-I'm dead.
-Yeah, you're dead, yeah.
82
00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:12,000
-You'll be dead soon.
-What?
83
00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,000
Sorry.
84
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:15,000
ARCHAEOLOGIST: Right.
85
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:18,000
Hard to be conclusive
about cause of death,
86
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:19,000
but, er, well, it's gonna be
plague, isn't it?
87
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,000
From the pelvis, I'd say female.
88
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,000
-30 to 40.
-
89
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Down, down.
90
00:04:30,000 --> 00:04:32,000
Bowed right femur.
Probable limp.
91
00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,000
- The winner!
92
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,000
Evidence of extensive syphilis.
93
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:37,000
No, no, not that bit.
94
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000
Same as the male
from yesterday.
95
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:40,000
-Geoff!
-What?
96
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,000
Someone's been a naughty boy!
97
00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:43,000
-Hiya!
-
98
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,000
-Hello, stranger.
-Forgot to say,
99
00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,000
that, erm, we've got
a photographer coming today
100
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,000
to take a picture
for our brochure.
101
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,000
-Oh, for the hotel?
-Erm...
102
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:54,000
No, we...
We ran out of money,
103
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:56,000
This.
104
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,000
So we're thinking
of trying to use
105
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:59,000
some of the big rooms
for functions,
106
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,000
weddings, you know, erm...
107
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:03,000
-Nice.
-Which will be nice, yeah.
108
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,000
Er, yeah,
and we need to get
109
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,000
so do you think
you could move your van?
110
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,000
Well, I could, but...
111
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,000
Yes, great, thank you.
112
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:14,000
-Any end in sight?
-Er, yeah, nearly there.
113
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:15,000
Few more days.
114
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,000
Sorry it's taken so long.
115
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There's just so much history
on this site.
116
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Honestly, if these bones
could talk.
117
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,000
Yeah, well,
that would save us all
118
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:26,000
a lot of hassle, wouldn't it?
But then, who'd believe you?
119
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-
120
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,000
Oh-hoo!
121
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,000
So, the aim
is to turn it into a venue.
122
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,000
A venue for what?
123
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:42,000
Er, well, you know, weddings,
parties, Bar Mitzvahs.
124
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,000
Girl Mitzvahs.
-Bat Mitzvahs.
125
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:46,000
For bats?
126
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,000
-What?
-Huh?
127
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,000
Erm, we need it to look nice,
128
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:54,000
so if you could
avoid the bad bits.
129
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:58,000
-Well, just find the best angle.
130
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:00,000
Yeah, I mean, we know that
the camera never lies,
131
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:03,000
but if it could not
tell the whole truth,
132
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,000
then that would be
very handy for us.
133
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:06,000
-I'll see what I can do.
-Great.
134
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:12,000
There's simply
not enough space
135
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,000
to do the whole roof!
136
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:17,000
Er...
137
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:19,000
It's the 3rd Earl of Wimborne.
138
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,000
-Okay.
-
139
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,000
I'm not sure Impressions Club's
going to work, is it?
140
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,000
Well, let's not be too hasty.
141
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,000
No one's heard
my Nelson Mandela.
142
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,000
-Outrageous!
-Haven't done it yet.
143
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,000
No, no, no, no!
144
00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:39,000
Alison, get the tradesman
off the lawn!
145
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,000
-Snap-snap!
-Erm, Rory, can we try...
146
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,000
-This way?
-Yeah, just...
147
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,000
All the way off the lawn!
148
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,000
-A little bit...
-Yeah.
149
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:46,000
Both feet!
150
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:48,000
-Yeah. And more...
-Hurry up!
151
00:06:48,000 --> 00:06:49,000
And just... That's perfect.
152
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,000
-Here?
-Yeah.
153
00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,000
Whatever happened to standards?
154
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:57,000
Absolutely.
Mustn't let things slide.
155
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,000
All it takes is a little...
156
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,000
-...effort.
157
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:35,000
Ugh! Look at this evil old...
158
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,000
-Isn't that...
-Oh, no.
159
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,000
MIKE: She's everywhere.
160
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:56,000
Look, and there!
161
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,000
-Where'd you get that?
-Over there.
162
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,000
-Did you know this happens?
-I had no idea.
163
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,000
If indeed that is me,
164
00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:06,000
she looks at least
20 years older.
165
00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:08,000
-How come she can be seen?
166
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,000
Perhaps it's only
if you're grumpy.
167
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,000
-Ah!
-Or ugly.
168
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:15,000
Well, her photo's
all over Facebook now,
169
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,000
so we can say goodbye
to doing events.
170
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:18,000
No one wants
a haunted wedding.
171
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:19,000
No one will know.
172
00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:21,000
Look, it's only one window,
and he doesn't say where it is.
173
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,000
-ALISON: Hmm.
174
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,000
Okay, but does anybody
actually read the comments?
175
00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:30,000
JUSTIN: Gah! Just look at them.
Gullible cretins!
176
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,000
I mean, what sort of moron
believes in ghosts?
177
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,000
You are a ghost.
178
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,000
Well, yeah, but, you know,
before I became one,
179
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,000
you wouldn't have
caught me believing
180
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,000
in this sort of nonsense.
181
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:41,000
ALISON: I'm gonna
go and talk to them.
182
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,000
MIKE: And say what?
183
00:08:42,000 --> 00:08:44,000
That there's no such thing
as ghosts.
184
00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:48,000
Yeah, you tell 'em.
Bloody weirdos!
185
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,000
Hi, hi. I'm Alison
and I own the house.
186
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,000
-Erm...
-
187
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,000
I do!
188
00:08:57,000 --> 00:08:59,000
Look, I know why you're here,
189
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:01,000
but I can assure you that
there are no ghosts... Ghost.
190
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,000
There is no ghost.
191
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,000
I know that it looks like
a very spooky, old house,
192
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:09,000
but there's nothing creepy
going on here, actually.
193
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,000
-Hi, Alison.
-Could you open the gate?
194
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,000
Really? Now?
195
00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,000
Well, you made us move the van.
196
00:09:15,000 --> 00:09:17,000
Yeah.
197
00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,000
-MAN: Is that the Grey Lady?
-
198
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,000
Obviously,
I know how that looks,
199
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,000
but that is unrelated
to the ghosts... Ghost!
200
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,000
Erm, look, the photo is a fake,
201
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:31,000
and I'd really appreciate it
202
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,000
if you could all
just go home, please,
203
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:35,000
and not go spreading
any rumours or...
204
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,000
-Well, that worked.
-Hmm.
205
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,000
So you're a paranormal expert?
206
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:44,000
Yes, indeed, I am
207
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:47,000
a paranormal podder,
blogger, vlogger and psogger.
208
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:48,000
Sogger?
209
00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,000
It's a psychic blogger.
The P's silent.
210
00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:52,000
Oh, eh, oh, we on TV.
211
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,000
We're on TV!
212
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,000
Oh, we're on TV.
213
00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,000
Oh, come, come see,
look, huh, see, look.
214
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,000
-Some very fascinating spirits,
215
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,000
erm, and there's lots of
216
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,000
emanations coming from...
coming from this house...
217
00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:06,000
Sorry, what was that, Tony?
218
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:07,000
That's my guide. Tony.
219
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,000
Yeah, no, he was just saying
220
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,000
that something bad
happened here...
221
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:12,000
MIKE:
We are all over Twitter.
222
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,000
"Man, this pic
has me bricking it.
223
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:18,000
"That ghost be one scary-ass..."
Is she in the room?
224
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,000
BOTH: Yes.
225
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,000
Well, it doesn't say "lady".
226
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
It's just a pity the owners
227
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,000
because the opportunity
to study this kind of
228
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,000
is so valuable.
229
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,000
How valuable?
230
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,000
Let's find out.
231
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,000
Hi... Hi... Hello!
232
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:41,000
Hi, yeah, I'm Mike,
I live here and...
233
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:44,000
-I do!
-MAN: If you say so.
234
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,000
Er, anyway, my wife
might have been a bit hasty
235
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:48,000
with some of the stuff
she said earlier.
236
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000
So, well,
let me put something to you.
237
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,000
And you just
get to be yourselves
238
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,000
without me telling you not to,
239
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:57,000
so go full ghost.
240
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,000
Julian, just shove
anything you like.
241
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,000
Robin, just go crazy
with the lights.
242
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:03,000
Mary, lot of weird
burning smells.
243
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:04,000
And a few Fanny pictures.
244
00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,000
-Oh, can I play?
-Oh, yes!
245
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,000
Teamwork makes the team work.
246
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:11,000
-No...
-No, speak for yourselves.
247
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,000
Personally, I don't want
a bunch of misfits
248
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:14,000
poking around
in every corner,
249
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,000
keeping us up at night
250
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,000
with their probes
and their machines...
251
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,000
-Capt... Captain...
-Yeah?
252
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:23,000
It... It's actually just
these four I really need.
253
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:25,000
No offence.
But, haunting-wise,
254
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,000
you don't really
have much to offer.
255
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,000
No. That's fine, actually, er,
256
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,000
because I'm, er...
I'm busy with something.
257
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:33,000
-So, thank you.
-Mmm-hmm.
258
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:38,000
Sorry, guys.
259
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,000
No.
260
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,000
I wish there were
something I could do
261
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,000
to assist fair Alison.
262
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,000
Yeah, the irony, eh?
263
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,000
I had so many skills in life,
264
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,000
knot-tying, tent-pitching,
archery...
265
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,000
-Oh, no, well...
-ALISON: And Mike has this
266
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:53,000
No Sugar,
I'm Sweet Enough mug
267
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,000
that I would really love
to meet with an accident,
268
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,000
-so if you could just
suddenly push it...
269
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,000
-...erm...
-And what's in it for me?
270
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,000
Well, there's not really much
that I can...
271
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:04,000
-A smartphone.
-What?
272
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,000
There was a review
in Robin's paper
273
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,000
for an application
which allows you
274
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,000
to play golf
with a single finger
275
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,000
on a smartphone.
276
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:13,000
But they're hundreds of pounds.
277
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,000
Well, if you don't
want my help.
278
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,000
Are you trying to
blackmail me?
279
00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:20,000
With respect, I think
the real issue here is...
280
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:23,000
Er... Oh, I'm not
on Newsnight now, am I?
281
00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:24,000
Yeah, it's blackmail.
282
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,000
Oh, come on, Julian,
283
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:27,000
everyone else
is willing to help.
284
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,000
Alison, I'm not
willing to help.
285
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,000
The smell of burnings, erm,
reminds me of being tied
286
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:34,000
And for that reason, I'm out.
287
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,000
Hmm!
288
00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:38,000
-JULIAN: The offer stands.
289
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,000
And I will not
be paraded about
290
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,000
like some Parisian concubine.
291
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,000
Yes, she no porcupine.
292
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:47,000
Uh! And me no sideshow freak.
293
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,000
-Actually, Robin,
294
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:52,000
having been to a sideshow,
you're exactly like...
295
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:54,000
No, no, nothing.
296
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,000
Guy... Guys...
297
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,000
And boom!
We have paying guests.
298
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,000
Ghost night is on!
299
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,000
Slight problem.
300
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,000
No ghosts.
301
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,000
MIKE: Welcome to Button House.
ALISON: Hi.
302
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:10,000
-Hello.
-MIKE: Just through there.
303
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,000
So what do we do?
304
00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:13,000
I promised them stuff
moving on its own
305
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,000
and weird smells
and lights going off...
306
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,000
They have gone on strike.
I mean,
307
00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:18,000
-what do you want me to do?
-I don't know.
308
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,000
-You're the ghost expert.
-Hmm.
309
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,000
You're a ghost expert.
310
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:24,000
You know how they operate.
So can't we just...
311
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,000
...fahhk uht?
-Eh?
312
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000
-Fake it.
-No.
313
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,000
No, that's completely immoral.
314
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:30,000
We can't just rip people off.
315
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,000
I mean, what,
they've paid, like...
316
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,000
200 quid each.
317
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,000
Although, yeah,
okay, thinking about it...
318
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,000
It is a real
haunted house,
319
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,000
so it's only, like,
a white lie.
320
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,000
We have to con them,
321
00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,000
-because it's the right
thing to do.
322
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,000
Okay.
323
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,000
Hmm!
324
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:56,000
-Nice to see you,
to see you...
325
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,000
It's like he's in the room.
326
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,000
Gentlemen,
there is an invasion afoot.
327
00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,000
Despite expressly
forbidding it,
328
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:07,000
she has just
opened up the border
329
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,000
and let them all in.
330
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:10,000
The place is awash
331
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,000
with eccentrics and fantasists.
332
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:15,000
Uh-uh. No way, Jose.
333
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:17,000
We told her
we weren't playing ball.
334
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,000
Yes, there be
nothing to see.
335
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:21,000
-Slash smells.
-CAPTAIN: No, no.
336
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,000
They are planning
on faking it all.
337
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,000
Pretending that
there are ghosts.
338
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,000
I mean, it makes a mockery
of our very existence.
339
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:30,000
But these people came here
for a glimpse of Fanny.
340
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,000
Yes, and they can
hardly fake that.
341
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:36,000
Well, that's it.
Well, they still need you.
342
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,000
Of course! Come on.
343
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000
We shall have to find you
a place to hide.
344
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,000
-Let's go. Come along.
-Come on, ape.
345
00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,000
We're putting a stop to this.
346
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,000
I didn't die
to let someone else
347
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:48,000
fake the skills
I've honed in death
348
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,000
without giving me
a smartphone.
349
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,000
What?
350
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,000
And I'll... I'll stays here
and watch...
351
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:01,000
this wall.
352
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000
Hmm.
353
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,000
-MIKE: Oh, yeah,
354
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:09,000
this part of the house
355
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,000
has a lot of
paranormal activity.
356
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,000
Oh, how exciting!
357
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:16,000
-I hope we see some.
-Kitty, I think we are some.
358
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,000
WOMAN: Check, one, two.
Check. Check.
359
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:19,000
KITTY:
Stick together, everyone!
360
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,000
WOMAN: One, two, two, two.
361
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,000
Pop into Pagham
to purchase a pig.
362
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,000
Okay. It's 21:07.
363
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:30,000
Recording in zone four
for EVP.
364
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,000
-What?
-Electronic voice phenomena.
365
00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:38,000
It picks up vocal frequencies
of discarnate entities.
366
00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:43,000
Ghosts, Danni,
the voices of ghosts.
367
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,000
-Right, proceed to zone three.
-Er...
368
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:48,000
The kitchen, Danni.
Check your map.
369
00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:52,000
-Did you hear that?
-What?
370
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:53,000
That thing there
picks up ghosts' voices.
371
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:56,000
Maybe we can help
after all!
372
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,000
-Help Alison?
-Yeah.
373
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,000
Speak into that microphone,
374
00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,000
and we can prove
that this house is haunted.
375
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:04,000
What would we say?
376
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,000
Erm...
377
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:12,000
Hello, and, erm,
welcome to Button Hou...
378
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,000
Oh! Welcome to Button FM!
379
00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,000
I'm Pat Butcher.
380
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,000
Bou-bou-bou-bou-bou!
381
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:22,000
The greatest DJ
in the area
382
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:27,000
And joining me this week
is renowned poet
383
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,000
Thomas Thorne!
How are you, Thomas?
384
00:16:31,000 --> 00:16:33,000
Thomas, we're on the air.
385
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:38,000
And we'll be right back
with Thomas
386
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:42,000
after this song from
local band Chicken & Chips.
387
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,000
It's called
Where's The Cream?
388
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,000
Greetings,
my apparition apostles.
389
00:16:47,000 --> 00:16:49,000
The Ghostmaster General here,
390
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,000
on the hunt in the kitchen
of Button House,
391
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000
where restless spirits
are said to...
392
00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:58,000
Turn the light off.
393
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:01,000
Was that it?
394
00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:04,000
Well, yeah,
but it's, like, really spooky,
395
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,000
'cause it's when you
least expect it...
396
00:17:07,000 --> 00:17:08,000
usually.
397
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,000
-Robin!
-Oh, it not me.
398
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,000
Ooh, clever!
399
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:15,000
Oh, well, why don't you
sleep with her, then?
400
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,000
GEOFF: Sweetheart,
we've talked about this.
401
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,000
Two can play at that game.
402
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,000
Hoo!
403
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,000
-
404
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,000
-Oh!
405
00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:33,000
Hey! Who the daddy?
Who the daddy? I'm Daddy.
406
00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:48,000
-
407
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:51,000
-
408
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:52,000
-MAN: Oh, God!
409
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:54,000
Things are kicking off
here, guys.
410
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:56,000
This is getting pretty spooky.
411
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:59,000
Oh, yes, that's really
thrown them off the scent.
412
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,000
Oh...
413
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,000
No.
414
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,000
Okay, ease down. Ease down.
415
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,000
It's over, isn't it?
It's over.
416
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,000
Do you want some milk?
417
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:15,000
-Do you... Do you want
a glass of milk?
418
00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:17,000
Oh, that really
freaked them out.
419
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,000
Right, then, to the ballroom.
420
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,000
Well, we know
where they're not.
421
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,000
Come on, Fanny,
down you go.
422
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:31,000
But it's cold
and damp down there.
423
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:32,000
You can't feel the cold.
424
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,000
Huh.
425
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,000
Or can we?
426
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:42,000
Yes, cool the muscles,
improve performance.
427
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,000
A little night air
might just give me the edge.
428
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,000
And of course
your poetry rhymes,
429
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,000
which is A, harder,
430
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,000
and B, shows
you have a real passion
431
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,000
for the English language.
432
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,000
Is that fair to say?
433
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,000
Yes.
434
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,000
And we'll be back with Thomas
435
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,000
after these advertisements.
436
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:17,000
Buy cheese.
437
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,000
Please.
438
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,000
Louise.
439
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:27,000
Buy Louise's Pleasing Cheese,
440
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:31,000
made from only
the freshest Jersey milk,
441
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:35,000
lovingly thumbed
from our all Friesian herd...
442
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,000
And we have
a lot of poltergeist
443
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,000
But that's where I live.
444
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:46,000
Oh, we also have
445
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,000
a smell...tergeist,
smell-tergeist.
446
00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:50,000
We're overrun.
447
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,000
ALISON:
If you just step this way.
448
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:58,000
-Do you smell that?
449
00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:01,000
-Yes, yes, I smell it.
-Crafty cow.
450
00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:05,000
Smells like fire,
but there is no fire.
451
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:08,000
-Apart from that one.
-
452
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:10,000
Oh, come on.
453
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,000
-GHOST HUNTER: Do you think
we should leave this?
454
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,000
I mean, that wasn't what...
Okay.
455
00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,000
We'll come back to that.
456
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:20,000
Now, anyway,
back to the
457
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:21,000
Where?
458
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,000
- Wait.
459
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:24,000
There it is now.
460
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
Don't let it eat me!
461
00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:38,000
-Wow!
-
462
00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:45,000
I hope you guys
are seeing this.
463
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,000
This is the real deal.
464
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,000
-MAN: It's moving again.
465
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,000
Evening.
466
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:09,000
Just resting my finger
against this mug.
467
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:25,000
-
468
00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,000
Whoa-ho-ho!
Did you see that?
469
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:28,000
What the...
470
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,000
-PARANORMAL EXPERT: Wow, er...
-Oh, yeah.
471
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,000
That's really shaken me up,
actually, guys. Erm...
472
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:33,000
I'm gonna have to sit down.
473
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:37,000
-Not ideal.
-And are these kinetic episodes
474
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,000
related to the full-body
apparition?
475
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000
The Grey Lady, Danni.
476
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,000
Well, I mean,
she can be a bit elusive,
477
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:45,000
but, er, fingers crossed.
478
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,000
WOMAN: This is another room
said to be haunted
479
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:51,000
Oh, no, not again!
480
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:54,000
Hi, I'm back.
481
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,000
Sorry, I just had to
take a minute to, er...
482
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,000
Oh, what's that?
What was that?
483
00:21:58,000 --> 00:21:59,000
What was that?
484
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,000
Right, I can smell burning.
485
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:04,000
-Er, oh, that is so weird.
-
486
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:05,000
Right, I'm freaking out.
I'm freaking out.
487
00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:06,000
I'm going to have to
get out of here.
488
00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,000
-I need some air.
-
489
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,000
MARY: What was that?
490
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,000
PLAGUE GHOST:
What is that made out of?
491
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,000
-Sack?
-Silk.
492
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,000
Silk. And I have said,
"Don't touch."
493
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,000
What's holding your hair?
494
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:21,000
Oh, Walter, put her down.
495
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,000
She's old enough
to be your mother.
496
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,000
I beg your pardon!
497
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,000
-She looks like my mother.
-I resent that.
498
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,000
Except the teeth.
My mum had nicer teeth.
499
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:34,000
Can I come out yet? Please!
500
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,000
There. Start my lap
on the hour chime,
501
00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:41,000
and who needs a stopwatch?
502
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:44,000
Yeah, touch of night air
on the old calves,
503
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,000
I should beat the pants off
my two minutes, 30.
504
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:48,000
Isn't that right, boy?
505
00:22:49,000 --> 00:22:52,000
Oh, what do you know?
Right, here goes.
506
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,000
-Ah! Bracing!
507
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:59,000
-So, this Grey Lady...
-Yep, yeah, er, be patient.
508
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:00,000
Biscuit?
509
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:03,000
Ah, I'll just be a sec.
510
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:06,000
Any sign?
511
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:07,000
No, I can't find her anywhere.
512
00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,000
Okay, so what are we
going to do?
513
00:23:09,000 --> 00:23:10,000
'Cause I promised these people
a Grey Lady ghost.
514
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:12,000
-Why did you do that?
-'Cause we've got one.
515
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:18,000
I think I've got an idea.
I just need to buy some time.
516
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:19,000
-Uh-huh.
-Okay.
517
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:21,000
JULIAN:
No, the poltergeist was me.
518
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,000
There aren't ghosts
that haunt ghosts.
519
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,000
-There no ghost-ghost.
-I know what I almost saw.
520
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,000
Still want that phone?
521
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,000
I need another burst
of that poltergeist act,
522
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:34,000
just while I sort
something out.
523
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:36,000
So what do you say?
Wanna play a few holes?
524
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,000
Oh, looks so good!
525
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:40,000
There's some sweet greens.
526
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:44,000
Okay, I'm in.
527
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,000
-Yes!
-Oi!
528
00:23:45,000 --> 00:23:46,000
-Uh-uh-uh.
-Great!
529
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,000
Now, you see that mug?
530
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:49,000
JULIAN: Yeah.
531
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,000
ALISON:
The second he puts it down,
532
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:52,000
-do your worst.
-All right.
533
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,000
The housemaid's leg
was Gwendoline...
534
00:23:59,000 --> 00:24:00,000
and the lusty dog...
535
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,000
was I.
536
00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:10,000
Yet another poem
from Thomas Thorne there.
537
00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,000
And apologies
for those still waiting
538
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:15,000
Right, let's see
what we've got.
539
00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,000
Join me next week
when my guests will be
540
00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:17,000
Sheena Easton
and Dudley Moore!
541
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,000
The kitchen, Danni.
Check your map.
542
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:23,000
-Here we go.
-Fame at last.
543
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,000
Nah. Nothing.
544
00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:38,000
Thought as much.
545
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,000
There's no energy here.
546
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,000
With experience,
you can feel it.
547
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:45,000
You can't learn
that sort of thing.
548
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,000
it's a gift, a calling.
Come on.
549
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,000
You were great, mate.
550
00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:54,000
You have a slightly
grating register
551
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:55,000
and a tendency to gabble.
552
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,000
Something to work on.
553
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,000
Right. On your marks,
554
00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:07,000
get set, and...
555
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,000
CAPTAIN: For King and country!
556
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,000
FANNY: Yes, yes.
557
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,000
I'll be sure to visit again
very soon.
558
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:19,000
Hideous creatures!
Couldn't take another minute.
559
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:30,000
-
560
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:37,000
There's a real sense
there could quite literally
561
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:39,000
be a ghost
around every corner.
562
00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:41,000
I mean, if I just pan around,
563
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,000
you get some idea
of the sheer size
564
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,000
Oh, no!
565
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:49,000
Fanny's exposed!
566
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:18,000
But, sadly, no Grey Lady.
567
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,000
-Two, 29.
568
00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:22,000
Shaved off a second.
569
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,000
-Well done, Cap.
-I knew it!
570
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:27,000
It's the cold air, you see.
I've still got it.
571
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,000
In my bally prime.
572
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,000
Two minutes, 30, weren't it?
573
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,000
-Slower, if anything.
574
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:34,000
Oh.
575
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,000
The Grey Lady!
576
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:40,000
There's freefloa...
In zone, erm...
577
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,000
There's a ghost upstairs!
578
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,000
-Right. Come on!
-Okay.
579
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,000
The ghost-ghost.
580
00:27:18,000 --> 00:27:20,000
Guys, there you are.
581
00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:22,000
I think I just saw
a ghost in there.
582
00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:31,000
I really am...
I'm sorry again for...
583
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:33,000
Sorry.
584
00:27:33,000 --> 00:27:35,000
You'll be hearing
from my lawyer
585
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,000
I really am sorry again.
586
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,000
For exploiting people
587
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:42,000
just because
they're open-minded enough
588
00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:44,000
to accept the possibility
that there might just be
589
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:46,000
such a thing as ghosts?
590
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:48,000
Because, let me tell you,
591
00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,000
there are spirits
all around us.
592
00:27:52,000 --> 00:27:54,000
I just hope one day
you come to embrace them.
593
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:56,000
At least.
594
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:00,000
That must be galling.
595
00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:03,000
Oh, eh! Er, ghouling!
596
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:07,000
-No.
-Come on!
597
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:08,000
-Doesn't really work, mate.
-No, come on!
598
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,000
It's already up on the blogs.
599
00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:16,000
Huh-huh-hoax.
600
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,000
-Well, back to weddings, then.
-Off!
601
00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,000
Off the lawn!
602
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:24,000
-Off the lawn!
-Now she does it.
603
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,000
Off the lawn!
604
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:28,000
Off the lawn! Off the lawn!
605
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:33,000
Er, Alison,
this has stopped working.
606
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,000
It's saying, "credit warning,"
607
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:37,000
something about
in-app purchases,
608
00:28:37,000 --> 00:28:38,000
spending limits,
blah-blah-blah.
609
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:40,000
-180 quid?
-Well, yeah.
610
00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,000
I had to buy some new clubs.
611
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,000
In golf, you have to keep up
with the latest technology.
612
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,000
Oh, you didn't even
do the mug.
613
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:48,000
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
614
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,000
-
615
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,000
There.
616
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,000
Now, I give you
my Nelson Mandela.
617
00:28:58,000 --> 00:28:59,000
ALISON:
Oh, no, no, Julian, no.
39502
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