All language subtitles for A.P. Bio.S01E01.Pilot.Catfish.AMZN.WEB-DL

- Hey, watch out!

Are you crazy?
You almost killed me!

- Yeah, so sorry to scare you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Where you going?

I thought you wanted to talk.

Huh, you were talking
before, man.

What happened?

- All right, everybody,
let's go ahead

and start to shut up now.

Let's go ahead and start
to settle into your seats

and begin shutting your mouths.

All rights, so my name...

My name's Jack Griffin.

And I don't wanna be here.

I am an award-winning
philosophy scholar,

who for reasons I won't go in to

finds himself with a free year.

So I'm living in my dead mom's
apartment here in Toledo

while killing a little bit
of time teaching...

Advanced Placement Biology.

But here's the deal,
I do not care about biology.

We're not gonna do
any biology in here.

And to be perfectly clear,

this won't be
one of those things

where over the course of a year

I secretly teach it to you.

This also won't be
one of those things

where I end up learning
more from you

than you do from me.

I know more than
all of you combined,

so, ha, that doesn't
make any sense.

I'm gonna spend
the majority of my time

mentally breaking my nemesis

with the ultimate goal
of taking his job

as the head of
Stanford Philosophy

and then I'm gonna have sex
with as many women

as I possibly can throughout
the entire state of California.

But you don't need to concern
yourselves with that.

Uh, let's see.

Feel like I might be
forgetting something.

"Mentally breaking my nemesis,

sex with every woman
in California."

No, that was it.

Welcome to AP Bio.

- One, two, three, four!

- * Next time
I'll listen to my heart *

♪ Next time well I'll be smart ♪

♪

- Absolute garbage.

Put 'em down.

Look, I realize you guys
are all nerds

and you want good GPAs,
all right?

Is that what's going on here?

I'll make you a deal.

If you tell anybody
I'm not teaching you biology,

you get an F.

If you keep your mouth shut,
you get an A-plus.

Look at it this way.

You guys are all tired teens.

This is gonna be your
opportunity to take a nap.

And if you're not tired,

pop an Advil PM,

and you will be out, trust me.

What are you doing?
Come on, put your hand down.

I'm serious.

You're months away
from being an adult,

and you need to start
acting like one.

Just talk.

- My name is Sarika Sarkar,

and I speak on behalf
of the entire student body

when I express
our extreme displeasure

in you not teaching us biology.

- I'm sorry, could you
say it again?

- I believe I speak on behalf...

- No, no, not that junk.

Your name.

- Oh, Sarika Sarkar.

- That's a great name.

I love the philosopher
Prabhat Sarkar.

The entire universe exists
within the cosmic mind.

What are you guys doing?
Don't write that down.

That's not me
teaching you stuff.

Who's this prince of darkness?

This your book?

So?

I think you're in trouble.

- Could we, uh...

Could I talk to you
out here for a second?

- Uh-huh.

♪

Could I get a new chair?

- A new cha... well, I don't
know if that's in our budget.

- It's fine, forget it.
- Okay.

- Forget it.
What's up?

Um...

Is it laundry day or...

- What's that
supposed to mean, man?

- I probably forgot to tell you,

we sort of have a bit
of a dress code here, so...

- Hey, look, Ralph,
I want to wear sweatpants.

You want to say
that your school's got

a former Harvard professor
teaching at it, right?

Looks good for your school,
right?

- Okay, please, I wasn't trying
to be aggressive here.

- Right, but what you said
to me right now, it sucked.

- Okay.
- You know, the worst part is

I was starting to like you, man.

You know, like in a buds
who get drinks once a week

kind of a way.

- Well, that's... that's us.

We could still do that.
- I don't know.

- I... you know what,
I think you're just

blowing this thing
out of proportion.

Because I'm
a laidback principal.

You know, they make me
wear this suit.

I don't want to dress
this sharp every day,

but I have to 'cause
I'm an authority figure,

but I'm still laidback,
and you're gonna see that.

- You know what,

let's forget the whole thing.

Come here.
- All right, I... I...

- Come here.

That's my guy.

- Do you still wanna
get that beer tonight or...

- No. No, no, no.

See, I'm trying to make a plan
to bang my high school ex

as hard as I can,
you know what I'm saying?

- Let's use our hallway voice
when we talk about that.

- Yes, I'm trying
to set that up.

- All right.
Okay.

All right.

You wrecked the sign.

That's why I came here to...

It's too late, Ralph,
It's too late.

Uh, let's see a hall pass.

You were holding it, okay.

- * I am a pilgrim

♪ And a stranger

♪ Travelling through

♪ I am a pilgrim

♪ And a stranger

♪ Travelling through

♪ This weary land

- Hello.

- Miles, it's Jack.

- Jack, greetings
from California.

- Yeah, I heard you got
the Stanford job.

Also, congrats on the new book
making the bestseller list.

I'm sure you'll keep
killing everything,

barring some sort
of mental collapse.

Hey, look, I think
forcing you out of Harvard

was an overreaction.

I'm sure there's tons of
schools dying to snag you.

- Yeah, no, big time.

Yeah, I'm just kind of
weighing all my options.

Look, Miles, I gotta run.

- Okay.
All right, mate.

Hey, listen, next time
you're out west, okay?

Jack?

- Didn't drop at all.

- * Well I got a home in

♪ That yonder city

♪ My lord

♪ And it's not

♪ Good lordy well it's not

- Yo, that's
a nice backpack, freak.

Give me your backpack, psycho.

Hey, did you hear me?

You deaf or something?
Give me your back...

Where you going?

Where you going?
Come here.

♪

So then my date
shows up to my house

in a soaking wet T-shirt,

talking about something
he just got out of the bath.

- Now what kinda grown baby man
still takes baths?

- See, that's what I said.
It's like, who is this?

- My husband takes baths.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Okay, so anyway,
the date was at a full medium,

and he has the nerve to
text me, like, ten minutes ago,

talking about some,
"Do a butt pic."

- Okay, he sounds like a jerk.

But do you want us to take
a pic of your butt?

- No, no, no, no, 'cause see,
this is how I do it.

Okay, so now
the dumb ones don't know

that this is an arm butt.

- Hmm.
- So then I take this.

And I just go ahead
and just line that up.

Let that focus a little bit.

There we go.
Little juicy cheeks.

- That looks like a crack.
- Juicy, okay.

- See the new guy
knows what's up.

From Harvard?

- Yeah.

- Ooh, Harvard Jack.

All right, well, have you been
out on any dates lately?

- Funny you should ask,
I've actually got firm plans

to bang my high school ex
as hard as I can tonight, so...

- Oh, he's gonna bang her
as hard as he can tonight.

Not regular hard.
Aggressively hard.

- So it seems like you're
enjoying yourself here?

- God no. I'm teaching
high school in Toledo.

It's terrible.

- Anyways, guess what I'm
making the kids do

in my class today.
Both: What?

- They have to draw
a flattering picture of me

and then give it to their dads.

- Ooh, yes, you know
what I tell my kids.

Okay, 'cause you know
how we're learning

about recycling, right?
- Mm-hmm.

- I just made them
clean the trash

out the backseat of my car.

Snatch that plastic
and recycle it.

- Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you saying we can make
the kids do whatever we want?

- Mm-hmm.
Both: Yeah.

- This better work.
- Always does.

- All right, everybody,

go ahead and start
to shut your mouths.

Settle into your chairs.

Oh, oh, God!

This chair sucks.

Okay, listen up.

- No, you listen up.

- * You don't wanna
teach us biology *

- * And we know you used
to teach philosophy *

- * Well we think biology...

- Whoa, whoa, shut up,
shut up, shut up, no, no, no.

Stop. Turn the music off.
Turn it off.

- * Oh yeah

- Take your seats.
What are you, nuts?

Don't ever surprise me
with a rap.

Don't ever rap about learning.

- Oh, boy.

- Oh, no.

You had a saxophone solo
in your rap?

Yeah.
That's too bad.

Why don't you come on
out of there, big guy.

Wanna toss that puppy
in the trash for me?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Saxophones do not belong
in rap music.

You were gonna
make it rain, huh?

Wet notebooks
part of the rap thing?

- No.

- All right.

Now look,
I realize I haven't been

making the most of your time,
but that is gonna

start to change as of right now.

As I mentioned,
I've been trying to mentally

break my nemesis, Miles Leonard.

He currently has the job
that is rightfully mine,

and I want it back.

He seems to be winning
at the moment,

but by the time
we're done with him,

he's gonna be in a loony bin
begging for death.

- Don't you think you'd
have a better chance

of getting the job
if you focused on working hard

as opposed to trying
to make him go crazy?

- No, you see my actions
are justified

because they produce
a better outcome

than any other action
in this particular case.

It's a basic philosophy,

act utilitarianism,
Jeremy Bentham.

Stop writing that down.

Now I happen to know that
Miles is currently single.

So your assignment
for today is to catfish him

on his Facebook page.

What are you guys waiting for?
Catfish!

Write a flirty Facebook message,

you know, using a fake name.

You call yourself, like, Linda,

and we'll send the best one
to Miles.

All right, look, at this point
you guys should all be

- So if you Google Jack Griffin,

the first ten results
are this video.

- "Old dude handles
slightly less old dude."

- Whoa.

Okay, everybody,
begin to shut up.

Let's everyone
shut your mouths now

and settle into your chairs.

All right, let's hear some
of these catfish messages.

You wanna start?
- Please no.

- All right.
Prince of Darkness,

I see you working
on something over there.

What you got?

- "Dear Miles, you don't
know me but you will.

"We will marry under the black
sun of Satan's breath.

"I'll be the final face you see

"as I wrap my hands
around your neck

and suck your soul
into my mouth."

- Wow, somebody alert
the authorities.

You know what I mean?

No, I'm kidding, I'm joking.
It's great, really.

It's very descriptive.

You know, maybe just make it
a little bit more, uh, female.

You know?
All right, you.

I want to hear something
from you.

- "Hey, boy, you're..."
- Louder.

- "Hey, boy, you're smooth

"like butter dripping
off of chocolate.

"Gonna lick you up and down.

"Drip, slurp, yum.

Give me that sweet
wet sugar mess."

- Hmm, no.
Let's do keep in mind

that this will be
the first message

that Miles will be hearing
from a total stranger,

but, you know,
it's a great start.

Good.

- Mr. Griffin.
- Oh!

Ralph, you snuck up on me.

- Yeah, uh, I put in
your request for the new chair,

and so that's in front
of the board now.

- Okay, great, well, let me
know how they vote, all right?

- Oh, absolutely.

- Yeah, we're in the middle
of it. Take care now.

Whoa, look at the Prince of D
going strong over there.

Give us another snippet.

- "And fire and blood
will pour from my eyes

"as I gaze upon
your ravaged body.

By the way,
I am a female demon."

- I see a lot of myself in you.
You are going places, Devin.

You guys are pretty good
at this. You having fun?

All: Yeah.

"Dear Miles,

"I want to make you blush,
make you feel safe.

"I want to lay next to you
and laugh until we cry.

"I want to grow old together,
and when we're old we'll say,

'I don't mind
because I have you.'"

- That's what
I'm talking about, guys.

Give it up, give it up.

All right, let's go home.

- But we have other classes.

- All right, whatever.

So that pretty much
catches you up to speed

on what I've been up to
since we broke up.

- Um, you skipped a part, Jack.

- Well, I heard that you
got passed up for tenure,

and now no university
will touch you.

I also heard that a very old guy

got you in some
kind of a choke hold.

That's the juicy part.

What do you say we go back
to your place after this?

- My boyfriend is finishing

his rounds in an hour
at the hospital,

and I'm gonna actually
meet up with him.

- You should.
Yeah, no, that's, uh...

Damn it!

Ugh!

♪

Oh, damn it!

God!
Agh!

- Okay, class, um,

Mr. Griffin is not
coming in today.

According to the note we got,

he has been put in prison,

but, quote, not for life.

Coach Novak.

- Textbooks out.

What?

- Welcome.
My name is Sarika Sarkar.

- Sarika Sarkar.

Like the philosopher.

- I'm gonna call you Sarah,
all right?

Can anyone tell me
where you're at?

- We are...

- Ten pushups.

- 20.
You owe me ten pushups

for every time you spoke
without raising your hand.

- Okay.

- What the hell is this puddle?

Get a mop to dry that up
then go to the principal

and say you need
a Saturday detention.

Okay, bio-logy.
You with the glasses, read.

All: "The cell is
the basic structural..."

- All right, thanks, man.
I got it from here.

Appreciate it.

- Listen, I've never
begun a class

and not finished it before.

- Good for you.

- I go from bell to bell.

- It's cool, man.

I got it from here though,
seriously.

Okay, let me catch you guys up.

So last night I found out
my nemesis Miles

got a MacArthur Genius Grant

just after my ex
turned my down for sex.

So I got angry,
I got very drunk,

and I went pee-pee on
the hospital where she works.

A police officer suggested
that I stop.

I suggested that he
pleasure me sexually.

He did not.

Instead, he hurt my arm,
and I went to jail.

So that catches you guys
up to speed.

Why don't we get back to work
on destroying Miles' sanity.

Yeah, hang on.

Hey, Ralph, Devin.

You guys hang out?

- No, Devin got himself
arrested earlier.

They got him on public
urination and resisting arrest.

No way, they literally got me

for that same thing last night.

It's quotas.

- Yeah, turns out Devin
went potty

on the house of a boy
who is bullying him.

- I was literally
telling the kids today

how I did a very similar thing.

Ah.

- All right, so this bully kid.

He's been throwing your
backpack in the water

and stuff like that
for how long?

- Um, maybe a year.

And you didn't know any of this?

That doesn't look
great for you, bud.

But you know what,

I think we've all learned
a valuable lesson here,

and we can definitely move on.

Ralph, give me one of those
big-ass hugs.

- No, I... no, I don't
want to hug right now.

I think you need to step up
and talk to him.

Any other principal would have
fired you and expelled you.

All right, but I'm laidback,
but right now

you two are making it
very hard for me

to be laidback!

- Very authoritative,
I like that.

I've not seen
that gear from you.

I like it.
- Thank you.

- Uh, listen, Ralph,
can you give Devin and I

a minute alone?
- Yes, yes, of course.

Oh, I'm going up?
- Give it a sec.

- Okay.
I did it.

All right, so look,

I haven't done
a lot of these talks.

I don't have kids.

I've always been pretty good
about using condoms, you know?

Even though I hate
the damn things.

You can't feel as much.

All right, look,
here's the deal.

I want to be open and honest
with you kids in class, okay?

But if it's gonna start
getting us all in trouble,

then I'm gonna have
to start acting

like all the other teachers.

See what I'm saying?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So next time you're thinking
about, like, imitating me

or doing anything
extreme in general,

why don't you go ahead and
run it by me first, deal?

- Yeah.

- Great.
- Hey, I'm still up here!

Ready to come down.
This is gonna sound crazy.

I think I see a raccoon.
- No, there's...

It's not crazy.
There's one up there.

♪

- * Well we've got a lot a lot
a lot of hard work today *

♪ We gotta rock
at the government center ♪

- Now I'm wondering if
all the times

my husband sent me pictures
of his butt,

it was really his arm.

- Wait, your husband
sent you butt pics?

- Yeah.

- Okay, I don't wanna know.
- There's a muscle...

- Oh, look who it is.
- Oh, look you.

- Big man in a big chair.

- Yeah, it's a massage chair.

- Hmm, well, I like it.

It's like nice, soft,
supple leather.

- Yeah, it's pretty comfy.

Listen, ladies, I have
a little bit of a school issue

that I could use your help with.

What do you do
when one of the students

is bullying another one?
- Oh, oh, that's easy.

Okay, so you want to keep them
around each other constantly.

- Oh, yes, that totally works.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's actually
how we all became friends.

'Cause Stef and I would
bully Michelle, naturally,

and then Principal Durbin
started forcing us

to hang out with one another.

- Mm-hmm,
I would take one bite

out of all of her food
in the fridge.

- And I would sneak
a few bites as well.

- Yes, she did.

- Then one time
I set her purse on fire.

- Whoo.

- I lost a lot of cash.

I lost a hundred bucks.

- Hmm.

Well, so... so keep
the kids together?

- Mm-hmm.
- Interesting.

Yeah, it's a little unorthodox,

but that's actually
really smart.

- Oh, it's actually
really smart?

Wow, thank you
for believing in us.

- Okay, all right, all right.

Come on,
that's not what I meant.

- We've all read a book, just
want to put that out there.

- Even Michelle.
- Yep.

- That's enough.
I gotta get to my class.

Thank you very much.
I appreciate it.

- You're welcome.
Be careful.

- Gonna give him
one more minute.

He'll be here or else.

- I don't know.

- All right, come on.
Get in there, you.

Go, go.

Hey, everybody.
What's up, Ralph?

This is Dan Decker.
I'm adding him to AP Bio.

- I don't wanna be...
- Shut up!

Go sit next to Devin, go.
You, can you...

Yeah, thanks.
Go, scoot.

- Does his guidance counselor
know about this?

- You're not the boss of me.

- That's literally
my job description.

- All right, listen up.

Some things are gonna
change around here big time.

None of you guys
are gonna pick on each other

or I'll kick your ass.

I will literally beat you up
with my adult muscles.

And if I go
and do something dumb,

that doesn't mean
you can go and do it too.

Now let me hear you
say that back.

- We can't pick on each other

or else you'll beat us up
with your adult muscles and...

- just because you do
something dumb doesn't mean...

- "Drip, slurp, yum.

Give me that sweet
wet sugar mess."

Well hello, Linda.