Original subtitles

Thank you.

All right, good night.

Thank you, thank you very much indeed. My name is Eric Idle.

And if you think you're here to see Billy Idol...

...you can bugger off now, okay?

Tonight we celebrate the Ruby Jubilee of Monty Python.

That's right, we're celebrating 400 years...

...of some of these jokes.

And tonight we have for you a premiere.

We have this fantastic band...

...from the BBC.

And tonight they're under the baton of a wonderful man...

...a great partner of mine, a great composer...

...and a great friend, John Du Prez.

Now, tonight there will be one or two surprise guests...

...so if you spot them, please act surprised, okay?

And respond accordingly.

But first will you welcome, please, our soloists for tonight...

...Christopher Purves, Shannon Mercer...

...William Ferguson and Rosalind Plowright.

And in order to start the oratorio...

...will you please welcome somebody very special indeed...

...who's playing the narrator tonight, Mrs. Betty Palin.

Why do they titter so?

You know, I'd never heard of Monty Python...

...until one day in 1940.

It was early in the war and things were going very badly for our boys.

There was a shortage of lipstick and many of the men had to share nylons.

In a small hotel near Henley...

...where I'd gone for a weekend with a rear admiral...

...I found a book that was to change my life...

...and eventually my sex.

In 1942, after a brief naval operation...

...I became a woman...

...and moved to Canada to become a lumberjack.

And then on to Alaska to give birth to a governor...

...but that's another story.

The book I found...

...was by someone called Monty Python.

And it was called:

The Book of Brian.

The Book of Brian

From The Book of Brian

And at that time

There shall be chaos

Chaos

Chaos

Chaos

Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos

Chaos

And confusion

Confusion

Confusion

Confusion

Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos

Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion

Chaos and confusion

Chaos and confusion

Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos

Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion

And irritation

Oh, damn, damn, damn, damn Damn, damn, damn, damn

Damn, damn, damn, damn Damn, damn, damn, damnation

Damnation

Damnation

Damnation

Damnation

Chaos and confusion

Chaos and confusion

Chaos and damnation

Chaos and damnation

Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos

Chaos, chaos, chaos and confusion

Chaos, chaos, chaos, chaos

Chaos, chaos, chaos and damnation

And disagreement

- I don't agree - I disagree

- You're telling me - I don't agree

You don't agree with me?

- Oh, no - I don't agree with all of you

- And so, what's that supposed to mean? - Don't know

- I disagree - You're telling me you don't agree

I disagree with all of you

- I'm right - You're wrong

- I'm right - You're wrong

- I'm right - You're wrong

I'm right, you're wrong

- I don't agree - I disagree

- You're telling me - I don't agree

- Don't agree with me? - Oh, no

I disagree with all of you

And so, what's that supposed to mean?

- Don't know - I disagree

You're telling me you don't agree

Oh, get lost! Shut up!

There was a general feeling That the end of the world was nigh

There shall be monsters

There shall be monsters

There shall be monsters

With swollen bellies and great big lips

And the beast shall have six heads

And will run about the streets

On 12 legs shouting "Fire!"

On 12 legs shouting "Fire!"

On 12 legs shouting "Fire!"

In crowded places

There shall be monsters

There shall be monsters

There shall be monsters

With swollen bellies and great big lips

- And the beast shall have six heads - And the beast shall have six heads

- And will run about the streets - And will run about the streets

- On 12 legs shouting "Fire!" - Fire, fire, fire, fire

- On 12 legs shouting "Fire!" - Fire, fire, fire, fire

- On 12 legs shouting "Fire!" - Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire

In crowded places

- And a 16-breasted Gorgon - And a 16-breasted Gorgon

- Shall squat on a pole - Shall squat on a pole

Singing in French

And some will say this is crap

And religion is a trap

And instead of reading prophecies

You'd far better take a nap

But other people

Will be sore afraid

Other people

Will be sore afraid

Other people

Will be sore afraid

And cry out

Unto their Lord

O God, you are so big

You are so very huge

My word

What a size you are

And we are tiny in thy sight

So very small and very grotty

And smelly and stupid

And cheesy and spotty

- You are so big - You are so big

- We are so small - We are so small

- You are so huge - You are so huge

- We are so tiny - We are so tiny

You are so big

And we are naughty

In thy sight

O God, you are so big

You are so very huge

My word

What a size you are

And we are tiny in thy sight

So very small and very grotty

And smelly and stupid

And cheesy and spotty

- You are so big - You are so big

- We are so small - We are so small

- You are so huge - You are so huge

- We are so tiny - We are so tiny

You are so big

And we are naughty

- In - In

Thy sight

The evangelist Monty tells of...

...the rather less than immaculate conception of Brian.

There was a young woman Called Mandy

A friend of the Lord's

Who sold gourds in a stall

Oh, who will buy my pretty gourds?

Round and small

Five shekels for them all

Along came a Roman centurion

- Nice gourds - Said he

Mind if I touch 'em?

- Dream on - Said she

No one gets to touch my gourds

Till I see

The rewards for me

- Nothing is free - Well...

He promised me Half the then-known world

Asses' milk

To bathe in every day

All the gold that I could eat

A house in Rome

Right on the Appian Way

Soon he had his way with her

Proved he was a man

But like a rat out of an aqueduct

When he was done, he ran

Mandy was abandoned

All alone

Where was she to go?

Oh, woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

Woe, woe, woe

Alone, abandoned, and worse

Six weeks without the curse

Such rotten luck

She was knocked up

Woe, oh, woe, oh, woe

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

Alone without a husband

- What's to become of me? - Not a lot

Where can I turn?

And what can I do?

- What chance for my progeny? - None whatever

In an utterly male-dominated world

In a Middle East society

A woman who is not married at all

- What kind of chance has she? - Not a snowball's chance in hell

- The time drew nigh - Nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh, nigh

- For now there is really no doubt - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no

That she was clearly great with child

And really not bad without

Know what I mean Say no more

Nudge, nudge

Bethlehem in Judea.

Nought BC.

And there were shepherds Abiding in the fields

Keeping watch o'er their flocks By night

And there were shepherds Abiding in the fields

Keeping watch o'er their flocks By night

Oh, we are humble shepherds And our flocks we keep

There's nothing we like better Than just watching sheep

We count them every day and night Until we fall asleep

And then we count them once again 'Cause we love sheep

Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep

Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep

They're full of woolly thinking Intellectually not deep

But never mind their minds We finds

We all love sheep

I wouldn't watch a flock of birds Peep peep peep

And watching flocks of cats Would just make my skin creep

And watching bloody camels Is enough to make you weep

They gives us all the hump Because we all love sheep

Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep

Sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep Sheep, sheep, sheep

They're nicer than a wife And they are certainly more cheap

And you can eat them afterwards And get some sleep

We all love sheep

Is it A.D. Yet?

About a quarter to.

Look, in the sky over Bethlehem!

Jesus Christ!

No, next door.

Oh, Mrs. Cohen's.

Oh, blimey, it's a boy.

He was born in a stable

- In a far distant land - Amen, brother.

He was born on a table

The only thing handy

To a woman named Mandy

This man we call Brian

He was not the chosen one

Not the hero of his race

Just the wrong man at the wrong time In the wrong place

He was not the chosen one

Not the hero of his race

Just the wrong man at the wrong time

In the wrong place

This man that we call

Brian

Brian

Brian

And the young boy Brian Grew to be a man

In all the usual places

And dreamed of doing Very naughty things

To girls with lovely faces

I dreamed that girls Wearing only underwear

Undressed me and caressed me

They rubbed me and scrubbed me And tubbed me in warm oil

And on my body they pressed me

And his mother said:

Brian, leave it alone

And stop this sighing and moaning

Take those naughty scrolls And throw them on the coals

Or we'll be late for the stoning

I am not coming with you, Mother dear

Stoning is so depressing

I have something that I want to say

That you may find distressing

I want to change the world

To set my people free

Suddenly I can see

What was meant to be

This is a promised land

A place we can call home

I foresee our destiny

One day free from Rome

Once we're free

From Roman tyranny

We can live quite happily

In Galilee

And so let's change the world

Let's make the whole world see

We are freer

In Judea

Than anyone could hope

To be

Freedom, freedom, freedom Freedom, now I'm free

Freedom, freedom, freedom Now I'm free

Just give me freedom, freedom

That is all I need

Hallelujah, now I'm free

Freedom, freedom, freedom Freedom, now I'm free

Freedom, freedom, freedom Now I'm free

Just give me freedom, freedom

That is all I need

Hallelujah, now I'm free

- Just give me freedom - Freedom, freedom

Now I'm free

- I said freedom - Freedom, freedom, now I'm free

Just give me freedom, freedom

That is all I need

Hallelujah, now I'm free Oh, yeah

Hallelujah, now I'm free

Oh, yeah

Sentimental claptrap.

What do you know of freedom?

Freedom from the Romans.

That's a joke. You are a Roman.

No, I'm not, I'm a Jew.

Your father was a Roman.

What? Mr. Cohen?

No, not Mr. Cohen. That's your cousin's brother.

Your real father was a Roman.

Oh, no.

Oh, woe, woe, woe.

- Woe, woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

- Woe, woe, woe - Woe, woe, woe

Shut up!

I am struck dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb

Doo waddy waddy dum Dum, dum, dum, dum

Doo waddy waddy dum Dum, dum...

Shut up!

I am going to avenge you, Mother.

Rome will rue the day they invaded you.

I shall seek out the enemies of Rome and join them.

The Romans are all bastards

They have bled us till we're white

They've taken everything we've got As if it was their right

And we've got nothing in return

Though they make so much fuss

What have the Romans Ever done for us?

What have the Romans What have the Romans

What have the Romans Ever done for us?

- The aqueduct. - What?

They gave us the aqueduct.

Oh, yes, they did give us that That's true

- And sanitation - Yes, that too

The aqueduct, I'll grant is one Thing the Romans may have done

And the roads, now they're all new

And the great wines too

Well, apart from The wines and fermentation

And the canals for navigation

And public health for all the nation

Apart from those, which are a plus

What have the Romans Ever done for us?

What have the Romans What have the Romans

What have the Romans Ever done for us?

- The baths. - What?

The public baths.

Oh, yes, Reg.

The public baths are a great delight

And it's safe to walk In the streets at night

- Cheese - And medicine

Irrigation

- Roman law - And education

The circus for our delectation

And the gladiation

Well, apart from medicine, irrigation

Health, roads, cheese and education

Baths and the Circus Maximus

What have the Romans Ever done for us?

What have the Romans What have the Romans

What have the Romans Ever done for us?

- Brought peace. - Oh, shut up!

Are you the Judean People's Front?

What? Judean People's Front we're not

Nor the Popular Front of Judea

Nor the People's Popular Front You silly bunt

We're the People's Front of Judea

Yes, we're the People's Front of Judea

The Popular Front we're not

Nor the People's Front, you clot

For we're the People's Front of Judea

Can I join you?

Before you join us, Brian

You should know There's not a single man

Who would not willingly suffer death

To rid this country of the Romans

- One. - Okay, yes, there's just one.

But we're the People's Front of Judea

Yes, we're the People's Front of Judea

The Popular Front we're not

Nor the People's Front, you twat

For we're the People's Front of Judea

Hi, I'm Judith

I'm from Judea

I'm Brian.

- I know. - Okay.

- I joined because I wanted to be freer - You too?

If there's anything I can do

I'll be happy to help you

Oh, good.

For we're the People's Front of Judea

Right, Brian, you're in.

Now, then, new motion.

The People's Front of Judea...

...firmly believes and states irrevocably for all time...

...that it is the inalienable rights of every man...

- Or woman. - Or woman, to rid himself...

Or herself.

Or herself. Thank you, brother.

- Or sister. - Or sister.

- Where was I? - Birthright.

Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man...

- Or woman. - Why don't you...

...shut up about women, Stan?

Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.

Why are you always talking about women, Stan?

I want to be one.

What?

I want to be a girl

To make my dreams come true

I want to see the world

From a woman's point of view

I want to wear high heels

And put makeup on my face

To wear a push-up bra

And have panties made of lace

- Good grief. - I want to be a girl

That's all I want to be

I want to be a girl

Dear me

I want to be a girl

Like every other lass

To stress about my breast size

And complain about my ass

I want to shave my legs

Instead of just my beard

At the end of every month

I want to be extremely weird

I want to be his girl

That's all I want to be

You want to be the girl

For me?

I want to find a guy

Who I can run to see

My fantasy who'll one day say

"Stan, you're the man for me"

I want to have a baby

And feed it on fresh lox

Where's the foetus to gestate?

You're gonna keep it in a box?

I want to be your girl

A wife and mother too

- I want to be a girl like you - I want to be a girl like you

I want a world that's new

A world completely better

From now on, please call me Loretta

What the?

Supposing we say he can't have babies, not having a womb...

...but he can have the right to have babies.

- Open up! - Who is it?

The Roman Empire.

Quick, run for it. Every man for himself.

So young Brian fled To the market square

There were lots of preachers Teaching there

And a burning Bush shall come out of a White House burning everything.

A friend shall lose his friend's hammer.

Blessed are the accountants, for they shall file tax returns.

There shall be monsters

But over the rest of Judea, there'll be showers...

...with scattered outbreaks of plague.

Here, is that Brian, one of the revolutionaries?

No, I think he's just a preacher.

How blessed are the birds.

What?

How blessed are the birds.

Are you the Messiah?

- No. - You are, aren't you?

- No. No, I'm not. - You look like one.

Well... Well, I'm not.

Hail Messiah!

- Hail Messiah! - You are the Messiah.

And I should know, I've followed a few.

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

You've finally come along

You're the one to show us Right from wrong

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one I adore

You're the one That we've been waiting for

To cure the meek and heal the poor

You're the one

You're the one

- Like a rock in the dark - Like a rock in the dark

- Like a candle in the middle of a park - Like a candle in the middle of a park

- Like a cake - Like a cake

- That's been left out in the rain - That's been left out in the rain

- On a plain in Spain - On a plain in Spain

You're the one we're dreaming of

You're the bright and shining Light of love

Like a torch from up above

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

There's no doubt

You're the one we cannot live without

You're the living proof, let's shout

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

There's no doubt

You're the one we cannot live without

You're the living proof, let's shout

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

You're the one

Help me, please. Please.

The story so far:

Brian, a good Jewish boy, if you'll pardon the expression...

...has discovered that his father was a Roman.

Shocked and torn, he has joined the Republicans...

...a group of power-hungry, desperate people with no future.

Hiding from the Romans, he is mistaken by the mob for the Messiah...

...and flees back to his place with Judith...

...for a cup of tea and a good cry.

In his haste to escape the mob, Brian, like Cinderella...

...drops the shoe.

Part Four: Baroque and Roll.

The chosen one has disappeared

He has been taken up

See where he has dropped a shoe

A shoe?

That must be some kind of clue

Behold his shoe

- It is a sign from God - It is a sign from God

- Let us all now praise his shoe - Let us all now praise his shoe

- Hail to the shoe - Hail to the shoe

Let us all now praise his shoe

Raise up the shoe

This shoe will show us what to do

I must take issue with this shoe

A shoe can't tell us what to do

But if you follow it, then you Cannot be very far from him

That's true

We must take issue with this shoe

A shoe can't tell us what to do

But if you follow it, then you Cannot be very far from him

It's true

This is the shoe It's holy too

See his little toes poke through

Hail to the shoe It's holy too

See, his sole is shining through

When he is walking down the street If he's got one shoe on his feet

Then we can very clearly spot

Which one is him and which is not

Yes, when he's walking down the street If he's got one shoe on his feet

Then we can very clearly spot

Which one is him and which is not

I don't believe in that shoe

I think it's stupid, don't you?

We think it's true

Believe in the shoe

Or else it will be death to you

Kill him today

Might as well anyway

Unbelievers all must pay

- For he must die - Yes, he must die

- Or we shall know - The reason why

- And he must pay - Yes, he must pay

With his life for his heresy today

- For he must die - Yes, he must die

- Or we shall know - The reason why

- And he must pay - Yes, he must pay

With his life for his heresy today

Hail to the shoe

Death to those who

Have different views

Concerning his shoes

- Hail to the shoe - Hail to the shoe

- Death to those who - Death to those who

- Have different views - Have different views

Concerning his shoes

And while we kill him

Let us all pray

Hail to the shoe

And lo, Brian did go home with Judith...

...and they did lie down together upon a mattress.

That was wonderful.

But enough opera. Let's have some sex!

Brian Cohen

What the hell is going on?

Oh, horror

It's my mother

Who the heck is this?

Mumsy, this is Judith

What the hell's she doing here?

Discussing revolution

In the dark?

Open the window right now

All right, Mummy

Morning, saviour.

Hooray, the chosen one has woken

Good morning, saviour

Hail Messiah

Brian, what the hell is going on?

Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen

Put some clothes on first

Who are all these people?

They have just popped by

Popped by? More like swarmed by

There's a multitude

They think that I am the Messiah

Hail Messiah

Show us the Messiah

He's not the Messiah

He's a very naughty boy

Who are you?

I am his mother

Hail to the mother of Brian

Hail to Mandy, mother of Brian

Are you a virgin?

How dare you?

She must be

It's so hard being a mother.

He was such a lovely little boy.

When did he grow up?

Where did the time go?

One day he's playing around with his little dreidels...

...and the next you find him in bed with a naked tart.

Oh, Brian. Brian, what's to become of me?

Don't worry, Mum.

We'll come and visit.

We will, Mrs. Cohen. Honest.

It's all so sad

When they grow up

When he was young

Sweet as can be

My little boy

He said to me:

"When I grow up

I'll set you free

And we will live so happily"

I was just 10

How could I know what I'd do then?

How things would go?

Finding some girl

And then leaving me

O misery

When they grow up

And as for me

Now I have grown

I have found out

What I should have known

Everyone reaps what they have sown

I too have found

Someone of my own

When we grow up

As we must do

And find that certain somebody who

Makes us feel young

Makes us feel free

Then we grow up

And live happily

And as for me

Now I have grown

And I have found

What I should have known

Everyone reaps The seeds they have sown

I too have found

Someone of my own

When we grow up

As we must do

And find that certain somebody who

Makes me feel young

Listens to me

I've grown up, Mum

Please set me free

She makes me feel free

Finally

Who are you lot anyway?

Let me tell you precisely who we are.

Oh, we come from The mountains and valleys

We come from the armpits of Rome

From the holes Where the coals all lie buried

To the mountain's shining dome

We are poor working men Who all need a

New light in the darkness and gloam

And we seek the promised leader

Who will take us home

Take us home

Take us home

And we seek the promised leader

Who will take us home

From the Red Sea to the Dead Sea

To the golden streets of Rome

From the deep dark holes Where they dig out the coals

To the builders up on the dome

From the working man in his hovel

To the fisherman lost on the foam

We all seek the promised leader

Who will take us home

Take us home

Take us home

Oh, we seek the promised leader

Who will take us home

Take us home

Take us home

Oh, we seek the promised leader

Who will take us home

Take us home

Take us home

Oh, we seek the promised leader

Who will take us home

All right, Brian, you can talk to them.

But just for a minute.

Now, listen, you have made a mistake

I am not the Messiah

But you look like one

I am not the chosen one

But we have chosen you

Tell your people what we should do

You should all piss off

How shall we piss off, Lord?

Don't follow people You are all individuals

That's right, we're all individuals

I'm not.

That's right, we're all individuals

You must make up your own minds For yourselves

That's right, we must make up Our own minds for ourselves

Don't let anyone tell you what to do

That's right, tell us more

No, don't you see? You've got to think for yourselves

Yes, we have to think for ourselves

Tell us what we have to Think for ourselves

No, nobody can tell you what to do

Except you

No, not even me

Here, Brian, let me help you out with this.

They're just not getting this, okay?

Better.

Hey, listen, people, listen to me

This is what he's trying to say

Each of you must Make up your own minds

Have your different point of view

Some people have And some will have

But time has got you by the balls

But you must to your own selves Be true

For you're all individuals

You don't know how bad Your fate can get

Then one day you find You're played by Cate Blanchett

So I'll take your hand Make up your mind

Choose a healthy point of view

Don't follow leaders Or parking meters

They tell you all what you must do

Well, some people preach you Others will teach you

They don't know what I can do

You must to your own selves Be true

'Cause you're all individuals

Yes, we'll do whatever you say

Because we're...

Brian!

Judith. Oh, thank heaven, it's you!

Yes, Brian, it is.

So it was all a dream.

No, Brian, this is the dream. You're still asleep.

Oh, no. So, what's going to happen to me?

Well, all you're doing is advocating peace, right?

- Right. - Well, then they'll probably just kill you.

- What? - But your ideas will live on.

Oh, great.

Well, I must go now.

Why?

Because you're still asleep, and you're getting one of those...

Sorry.

When I was young

I dreamed that life was always Here to stay

When I was young

Tomorrow seemed so very far away

Now I've grown

I've found that all my time has flown

And one thing that I should have known

Life is very short

But there are always friends

And there is always love to share

So before

Your journey ends

Don't give in to despair

Find your dream

Before your dream can slip away

Find your dream

Tomorrow is another day

You may not get a second chance

For romance

So before it's too late

Don't hesitate Find your dream

- Find your dream - Find your dream

Life doesn't always Turn out right for you

Life can be so hard

- Find your dream - Find your dream

- In every single thing you try to do - No guarantee

You'll find your reward

You can be blind To what is really on your mind

So before it's too late

Don't hesitate Find your dream

Find your dream

- Find your dream - Find your dream

- Before your dream can slip away - Slip away

- Find your dream - Find your dream

- Tomorrow is another day - Another day

You may not get a second chance

For romance

So before it's too late

Don't hesitate Find your dream

So before it's too late

Don't hesitate Find your dream

Find your dream

Brian Cohen

Brian Cohen

I have come to take you away

Who are you?

Are you Death?

No, I'm Biggus Dickus

Hail Caesar

Hail Caesar

That's wight, Bwian.

Bigguth Dickuth...

...is my best fwend fwom Wome.

Dethist, you wowdy wadicals.

You are a webel, Bwian, and a wapscallion and a Wepublican.

Centurion...

...why do they titter so?

Just some Jewish joke, sir.

Theath thith wibaldwy at onth.

I won't be wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.

Thith man wanks higher than any in Wome.

Awest this man and thwow him woughly into a thell.

Brian Cohen

Brian Cohen

You are under arrest

Arrested and restrained

Brian was captured and jailed

It seems his plans had all now failed

Detained and chained and then

He was throwned into a pen

With a very silly man Who was named Ben

You lucky, lucky bastard.

What are they going to do to me?

Oh, you'll probably get away with just crucifixion.

Crucifixion?

Yeah, first offence.

"Get away with crucifixion"?

Well, at least it gets you out Into the open air

Best thing the Romans ever did for us

If we didn't have crucifixion

This country would be In a right bloody mess

What?

Nail 'em up, I say Nail 'em up, I say

Nail some sense into 'em

Now, take my case They hung me up

For five long years of pain

And every night, they take me down

Then they hang me up again

Which I regard as very, very fair

In view of what I done

If nothing else, it's taught me to Respect the Romans, son

It's taught me that in this old life

There's only one right way

You must do a fair day's work For a fair day's pay

A fair day's work for a fair day's pay

That is what The lower middle classes say

So do your duty every day

A fair day's work for a fair day's pay

Once I was a lad in the Hudson Bay

I'd cut down trees every single day

I'd sleep all night and work all day

And walk away contented With a fair day's pay

He'd sleep all night and work all day

And walk away contented With a fair day's pay

A fair day's work for a fair day's pay

That is what The lower middle classes say

So do your duty every day

A fair day's work for a fair day's pay

Yes, I was a lumberjack, okay

Going to the lavatory every day

I'd work very hard With me tiny little axe

At night I'd visit naughty bars To help relax

He'd work very hard With his tiny little axe

And at night he'd visit naughty bars To help relax

I'd work away in a very butch way

Chopping down tall trees every day

I'd put on women's clothing And go out at nights

And go and seek the company Of transvestites

He'd put on women's clothing And go out at nights

And go and seek the company Of transvestites?

That's enough of that, okay

We don't give a duck If you're completely gay

- Brian. - Mother.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I'm going to be crucified.

I've brought you some clean underwear.

- Judith! - Hello, Brian. I've come to say goodbye.

Goodbye?

Well, yes, Brian, you're going to be crucified.

Oh, yes. Well, I suppose...

...if this is goodbye...

...then I must...

What?

I must...

...sing.

This is the final song

I'll sing for you

That's nice.

There's nothing more

That I can do

One final song

And then I'm gone

So far away from you

I will stay true

Though we're apart

But still my heart

Will always be with you

- Our final song - Our final song

- Will not take long - Will not take long

- And then we're gone - And then we're gone

- It's farewell to you - It's farewell to you

This is the final song

I'll sing for you

There's nothing more

That I can do

One final song

And then we're done

And I am leaving you

This final day

- This final day - This final day

When we can say

- When we can say - When we can say

My life is done

And we sing my song

- It's our song too - It's our song too

Their final song

- Their final song - Their final song

Let's hope it will

Not take too long

This is the final song

I'll sing for you

There's nothing more

That I can do

One final song

And then we're done

And I am leaving you

When I'm away

- When he's away - When he's away

I'll hope you'll play

- We're sure to play - We're sure to play

- This final song - This final song

- It's all I'll have of you - It's all I'll have of you

This final day

When I can say

My life is done

And we sing my song

He sings so well

Apart from this

- Apart from this - Apart from this

There is no more

- Crucifixion? - Yes.

Good. Out of the door. Turn right. One cross each.

Line on the left.

Next.

- Crucifixion? - Yes.

Out of the door. Turn right. One cross each.

Line on the left.

Next.

Crucifixion?

No. Freedom for me.

What?

Freedom for me. They said I hadn't done nothing...

...so I could go free and live on an island somewhere.

Oh, well, that's jolly good.

Well, off you go, then.

Nah, I'm just pulling your leg.

It's crucifixion really.

Yes. Yes, very good.

- Yeah. - Very good. Very good.

You know the way, out the door.

- Out the door. Line on the left. - One cross each.

- Yep. Yep. - Yeah. Yeah. I've done it before.

Crucifixion?

Excuse me, but there's been some sort of mistake.

Oh, well, we'll sort that out later.

Oh, that's a good one, eh?

"We'll sort it out later, after you've been crucified."

- Typical bloody Romans, eh? - Now you can shut up.

Or what? I'll have to give up being crucified in the afternoons?

But I don't want to be crucified.

Oh, cheer up, Brian. You know what they say.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you sad

Other things just make you Swear and curse

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things Turn out for the best

And

Always look on the bright side of life

See?

Always look on the light side of life

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile And dance and sing

If you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly, chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle That's the thing

And always look on The bright side of life

Very good.

Always look on the light side of life

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain With a bow

Forget about your sin

Give the audience a grin

Enjoy it It's your last chance anyhow

So always look on The bright side of death

Just before you draw Your terminal breath

Life's a piece of shit

When you look at it

Life's a laugh and death's a joke It's true

You'll see it's all a show

Keep 'em laughing as you go

Just remember The last laugh is on you

And always look on The bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Key change.

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

Always look on the bright side of life

And always look on The bright side

Of life

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, dear.

I never wanted to be a Roman...

...wepressing wadicals wigorously on a wegular basis for the west of my life.

I didn't want to attend a 40th-anniversary concert...

...at the Royal Albert Hall. No, no, no. No.

I wanted to be...

...a lumberjack!

Leaping from tree to tree...

...as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia.

The giant redwood.

The larch. The fir.

The mighty Scots pine.

The lofty flowering cherry.

The plucky little aspen.

The limping Nigerian rude tree.

The great wattle of Aldershot.

The Maidenhead weeping water plant.

The naughty flashing oak of Leicestershire.

The flatulent elm of West Ruislip.

The Quercus Maximus Bambergascoignus.

With my best girl by my side!

We'd sing! Sing! Sing!

Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

I sleep all night and I work all day

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay

He sleeps all night And he works all day

I cut down trees I eat my lunch

I go to the lavatory

On Wednesdays I go shoppin'

And have buttered scones for tea

He cuts down trees He eats his lunch

He goes to the lavatory

On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'

And has buttered scones for tea

He's a lumberjack, and he's okay

He sleeps all night And he works all day

I cut down trees I skip and jump

I like to press wildflowers

I put on women's clothing

And hang around in bars

He cuts down trees He skips and jumps

He likes to press wildflowers

He puts on women's clothing

And hangs around in bars?

- He's a lumberjack, and he's okay - And I'm okay

- He sleeps all night and he works all day - I sleep all night and I work all day

I cut down trees

I wear high heels Suspendies and a bra

I wish I'd been a girlie

Just like my dear papa

- Hey! - He cuts down trees

He wears high heels Suspenders and a bra?!

- He's a lumberjack, and he's okay - I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay

- He sleeps all night and he works all day - I sleep all night and I work all day

He's a lumberjack and he's okay

Oh, Bevis, I thought you were so rugged!

He sleeps all night And he works all day