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1
00:05:00,366 --> 00:05:04,837
Dad, Olinda, Ana Petra...
2
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:08,679
...recording.
3
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:13,886
March 4th, 1990,
4
00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,892
Hi, again, I'm in NY.
5
00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:20,628
It doesn't even seem
I've been here over a month.
6
00:05:20,920 --> 00:05:23,799
I feel like an Indian coming to the city.
7
00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:26,596
Everything's so ahead,
it bakes time to get used to.
8
00:05:27,026 --> 00:05:28,664
It's good but takes time.
9
00:05:29,629 --> 00:05:32,542
Here you gotta think small, aim small,
10
00:05:33,433 --> 00:05:34,844
or the city swallows you up.
11
00:05:38,905 --> 00:05:40,077
March 20th,
12
00:05:40,473 --> 00:05:42,544
I started taking some
divine singing classes.
13
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,880
To sing open fascinates me,
14
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,418
I'm even learning Italian,
German, to sing better.
15
00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:51,520
Dancing's cool too.
16
00:05:51,751 --> 00:05:54,061
For once, I'm really dancing,
17
00:05:54,554 --> 00:05:57,055
not just modern jazz,
but butch, flamenco...
18
00:05:57,056 --> 00:05:58,034
everything.
19
00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:04,029
I was a bit against acting classes,
they like everything you do.
20
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:07,534
Then I met this teacher, Modica,
he's a real director,
21
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:09,370
demanding a lot of us.
22
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:12,712
He even recommended me
for my first casting test!
23
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:03,695
“Filming?
24
00:11:03,696 --> 00:11:04,674
“She's looking!'
25
00:11:04,864 --> 00:11:07,970
“...knows who's Elena, Petra..."
26
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:24,253
“What an actress,
lots 01 expression...'
27
00:12:38,791 --> 00:12:41,465
“Isn't there a way to film without
your knowing, Elena?'
28
00:12:43,162 --> 00:12:45,396
Why? You want to film me...
29
00:12:45,397 --> 00:12:47,138
"Without you noticing.“
30
00:12:49,168 --> 00:12:50,238
“Natural.”
31
00:12:50,336 --> 00:12:52,871
“Cause when you notice, you change.”
32
00:12:52,872 --> 00:12:54,112
I change?
33
00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,317
"When filming you change.
34
00:12:57,042 --> 00:12:58,953
When not, you're different.”
35
00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:00,753
How am I?
36
00:13:01,013 --> 00:13:02,822
“More natural.'
37
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:04,519
So...
38
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:09,023
Please, Pedro,
bring the Dermil.
39
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,097
"We're out of baby cream.“
40
00:13:12,491 --> 00:13:13,492
Look...
41
00:13:14,393 --> 00:13:16,339
This beautiful girl...
42
00:13:18,197 --> 00:13:19,767
is my sister!
43
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,269
“Move your leg a bit Olinda."
44
00:13:50,930 --> 00:13:51,908
Wait!
45
00:13:54,099 --> 00:13:56,010
“Pull the curtain.”
46
00:13:59,538 --> 00:14:01,074
“Sing, Petra!'
47
00:14:02,007 --> 00:14:05,045
“Wait, I'm taking a bath.“
48
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:07,186
“You can sing in the bath.“
49
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:18,234
I can't sing, dance and take a bath.
50
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:22,627
“Yes you n!“
51
00:14:22,628 --> 00:14:28,306
I'm soaping up.
I can't sing!
52
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:32,507
“You said you'd sing.'
53
00:14:34,406 --> 00:14:36,283
I won't sing.
54
00:14:36,909 --> 00:14:37,979
“Then I'm leaving.“
55
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:00,001
“Action! Clapper!'
56
00:15:04,169 --> 00:15:05,079
Who's there?
57
00:15:07,172 --> 00:15:08,480
“Mrs. Valquiria."
58
00:15:31,563 --> 00:15:36,267
“I always film improvising.
Do this, do that...
59
00:15:36,268 --> 00:15:38,303
Never know where people are going,
60
00:15:38,304 --> 00:15:39,578
always moving.'
61
00:15:49,315 --> 00:15:50,919
“Put on some music.'
62
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:02,167
“I'm dancing with the moon.'
63
00:17:51,737 --> 00:17:52,738
Come back.
64
00:17:53,839 --> 00:17:58,219
Choose me, take me.
65
00:18:04,183 --> 00:18:09,189
“I though'! you weren't coming,
had run away with a young girl.
66
00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:14,727
I'm sick with love.
67
00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:17,663
Touch me,
68
00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:19,438
I tum to water.'
69
00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:23,780
Love was this,
70
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:26,137
Mug-Among,
71
00:18:26,138 --> 00:18:27,583
the bell
72
00:18:28,507 --> 00:18:30,384
and its song.
73
00:20:50,315 --> 00:20:52,226
“You're going to be 7...
74
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:55,465
ifs the worst age.
75
00:20:58,790 --> 00:20:59,962
I'm going to live far...
76
00:21:00,325 --> 00:21:02,498
we won't see each other for a while.
77
00:21:04,796 --> 00:21:06,366
But I'm giving you this shell.
78
00:21:06,798 --> 00:21:12,646
Whenever you miss me,
put it over your ear.
79
00:21:14,406 --> 00:21:15,578
I'll also have a shell
80
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,778
and this way we can talk.“
81
00:22:22,641 --> 00:22:23,745
“You look alike.“
82
00:22:23,942 --> 00:22:25,683
“You really look alike!'
83
00:22:25,877 --> 00:22:28,721
“Very mixed, you and her...
84
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,985
your smile, the way
you pucker your mouth.'
85
00:22:31,083 --> 00:22:33,427
“The forehead, very alike.'
86
00:22:39,458 --> 00:22:42,827
“Your small hands,
so delicate...
87
00:22:42,828 --> 00:22:49,438
She had big hands...
powerful... I loved holding her hand.'
88
00:22:50,702 --> 00:22:53,471
“You and your sister
didn't lookalike then.
89
00:22:53,472 --> 00:22:56,112
Later many of her traces
appeared in you.'
90
00:22:56,675 --> 00:22:59,744
“Your eyes... are the same!'
91
00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:01,520
“Impressive, amazing.'
92
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:03,819
“Deep set eyes of a sparrow.'
93
00:23:07,886 --> 00:23:10,025
“You're so very like Elena.
94
00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:13,424
Incredible. You've her temperament...
95
00:23:13,425 --> 00:23:15,530
You look like her...
96
00:23:15,994 --> 00:23:18,565
At times I call you Elena!”
97
00:23:41,653 --> 00:23:42,529
April 20th,
98
00:23:42,788 --> 00:23:44,893
My life's better than ever.
99
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:48,637
Springs here and it seems
the whole city's in heat
100
00:23:51,062 --> 00:23:52,830
While I don't get in a university
101
00:23:52,831 --> 00:23:55,710
I learn all I can
in open courses.
102
00:23:56,201 --> 00:23:58,647
I spend the days running
from class to class,
103
00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:00,070
but it'sgreat.
104
00:24:00,071 --> 00:24:03,644
I do breathing exercises,
singing and no one minds...
105
00:24:13,885 --> 00:24:14,795
May am,
106
00:24:15,153 --> 00:24:18,489
Last week I met Coppola.
107
00:24:18,490 --> 00:24:21,959
He even invited me to see
shootings of Godfather Ill.
108
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,528
Who knows I get a small part
109
00:24:24,529 --> 00:24:26,509
I've goosebumps thinking of it.
110
00:25:41,006 --> 00:25:42,007
June 3rd,
111
00:25:43,608 --> 00:25:45,144
I see myself in the train window,
112
00:25:47,178 --> 00:25:49,886
how much weigh'! I gained in 3 days,
113
00:25:50,682 --> 00:25:51,990
what decadence...
114
00:25:59,257 --> 00:26:01,292
When I eat I don't feel like stopping.
115
00:26:01,293 --> 00:26:02,226
I want more,
116
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:04,104
keep thinking what's next,
117
00:26:04,229 --> 00:26:05,329
but it starts to finish
118
00:26:05,330 --> 00:26:07,173
and I get sad.
119
00:26:08,233 --> 00:26:09,041
No more.
120
00:26:09,301 --> 00:26:10,701
But I'll eat more.
121
00:26:10,702 --> 00:26:14,149
I want to go to the end,
even knowing there's no end.
122
00:26:16,141 --> 00:26:18,849
But in 4 days I'll recover, totally.
123
00:26:19,010 --> 00:26:23,049
In 7 days I lose 10 lbs
and do great photos with Marcelo,
124
00:26:23,248 --> 00:26:24,556
as model and actress.
125
00:26:25,016 --> 00:26:26,222
There, it'seasy.
126
00:26:37,796 --> 00:26:39,673
Now I feel fat and empty.
127
00:26:43,134 --> 00:26:45,637
The train takes long,
to make things worse.
128
00:27:02,821 --> 00:27:05,233
I'd like my Dad, Mom and sister
with me now.
129
00:27:32,684 --> 00:27:35,392
Can my roots pierce asphalt,
130
00:27:35,887 --> 00:27:37,366
pipes and buildings,
131
00:27:38,123 --> 00:27:40,160
to survive and bear fruit?
132
00:27:43,862 --> 00:27:44,670
Yes,
133
00:27:45,730 --> 00:27:47,710
if my roots were strong,
134
00:27:48,667 --> 00:27:49,645
big.
135
00:27:51,302 --> 00:27:54,749
But I feel my seed
hasn't even sprouted yet.
136
00:27:56,241 --> 00:27:57,015
So,
137
00:27:57,142 --> 00:27:58,712
probably in a city,
138
00:27:59,744 --> 00:28:02,020
if it sprouted,
139
00:28:03,381 --> 00:28:05,918
small and sickly it would grow.
140
00:29:00,438 --> 00:29:02,239
I want to be really thin.
141
00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:04,948
The more I say it
the more I eat.
142
00:30:44,409 --> 00:30:48,858
“Do you have the address...
the number of the building?
143
00:30:50,348 --> 00:30:52,419
Are you sure it's76th?'
144
00:30:53,117 --> 00:30:55,893
“I do, but it'snot with me now.”
145
00:30:56,855 --> 00:31:00,359
“I think it'scloser this way, I'm not sure.“
146
00:31:05,496 --> 00:31:07,373
Want to go this way to see?
147
00:31:10,235 --> 00:31:12,135
I don't think it's this block,
148
00:31:12,136 --> 00:31:13,240
I think it'sthat one.
149
00:31:13,571 --> 00:31:14,413
“Mom...”
150
00:31:14,572 --> 00:31:17,075
I don't think it's this one.
151
00:31:19,310 --> 00:31:21,620
There was something here...
152
00:31:26,284 --> 00:31:28,195
some artist thing.
153
00:31:42,634 --> 00:31:43,374
31.
154
00:31:43,902 --> 00:31:44,403
“Is if?'
155
00:31:44,669 --> 00:31:45,511
Must be.
156
00:31:54,946 --> 00:31:59,946
The owner lived there and downstairs...
157
00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:06,896
We rented the two above...
On top were other tenants.
158
00:32:07,425 --> 00:32:08,995
“Want to ring the bell?”
159
00:32:26,711 --> 00:32:29,487
It asks to leave message
and phone number.
160
00:32:30,315 --> 00:32:32,015
“Do you remember if it was here?“
161
00:32:32,016 --> 00:32:32,460
Yes.
162
00:32:32,550 --> 00:32:33,585
“Sure?”
163
00:32:34,652 --> 00:32:36,097
Almost certainly.
164
00:32:38,122 --> 00:32:43,122
I thought there was a small building
on the other comer.
165
00:32:44,228 --> 00:32:46,697
From there I'll know for sure.
166
00:32:46,698 --> 00:32:50,271
How beautiful this tree!
Look here, from the bottom.
167
00:32:52,337 --> 00:32:53,645
So wonderful.
168
00:35:53,718 --> 00:35:55,322
See me?
169
00:36:43,467 --> 00:36:44,468
September 10th,
170
00:36:44,969 --> 00:36:46,414
My vocal chords are hurt,
171
00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:47,815
always have been.
172
00:36:48,873 --> 00:36:51,717
It's not just ice, the cold wind,
173
00:36:51,776 --> 00:36:53,881
tension, anxiety,
174
00:36:55,513 --> 00:36:58,926
but mostly an awareness
of the fear,
175
00:37:00,318 --> 00:37:02,195
the lack of love for myself,
176
00:37:04,522 --> 00:37:05,557
for my voice.
177
00:37:12,230 --> 00:37:14,497
Maybe I need a special therapy
178
00:37:14,498 --> 00:37:17,672
to de-traumatize
and take this mesh out
179
00:37:17,935 --> 00:37:19,846
of my chest and throat,
180
00:37:20,771 --> 00:37:22,682
that before didn't let me breathe
181
00:37:23,474 --> 00:37:24,976
and now doesn't lei me speak,
182
00:37:25,443 --> 00:37:26,820
nor sing.
183
00:37:58,676 --> 00:38:00,383
She told me she felt
184
00:38:01,379 --> 00:38:03,518
a huge emptiness here.
185
00:38:07,285 --> 00:38:11,756
She felt lonely,
a lack of love.
186
00:38:15,893 --> 00:38:18,305
Felt a terrible loneliness.
187
00:38:20,398 --> 00:38:21,877
She stayed in one room,
188
00:38:22,967 --> 00:38:24,742
Petra in another.
189
00:39:34,605 --> 00:39:38,052
I got a bit impatient and told her
190
00:39:39,910 --> 00:39:42,112
to make an effort,
191
00:39:42,113 --> 00:39:45,822
it wasn't good for you
to see her so down.
192
00:39:46,150 --> 00:39:51,566
She got up angry and left
saying she'd kill herself.
193
00:39:51,922 --> 00:39:56,593
I tried grabbing her,
I was hall dressed.
194
00:39:56,594 --> 00:39:59,734
She got in the elevator...
I got desperate.
195
00:40:08,172 --> 00:40:10,448
This body is sick.
196
00:40:11,642 --> 00:40:14,486
Life made it totally sick.
197
00:40:15,012 --> 00:40:16,582
Totally.
198
00:40:19,950 --> 00:40:22,590
That out of control self returned
199
00:40:23,854 --> 00:40:26,130
and I act as though an actress,
200
00:40:27,725 --> 00:40:31,138
I see all as on a film screen:
201
00:40:32,863 --> 00:40:35,901
"My rhythm. my breathing,
202
00:40:37,134 --> 00:40:39,910
the eyes becoming different.
203
00:40:51,782 --> 00:40:53,420
The worlds empty,
204
00:40:54,018 --> 00:40:55,156
deserted,
205
00:40:56,053 --> 00:40:57,794
ifs no use waiting for anyone.
206
00:40:58,656 --> 00:40:59,930
You're alone,
207
00:41:00,558 --> 00:41:02,003
completely alone.
208
00:41:02,726 --> 00:41:05,036
What are you going to do?
209
00:41:13,137 --> 00:41:14,582
I'll degrade myself
210
00:41:15,539 --> 00:41:16,540
and go down...
211
00:41:17,708 --> 00:41:18,709
this drain.
212
00:41:22,980 --> 00:41:24,891
Now I'm getting in it.
213
00:41:26,851 --> 00:41:27,625
Good.
214
00:42:07,124 --> 00:42:11,694
She was sitting on the bed,
I sat down...
215
00:42:11,695 --> 00:42:12,935
She said,
216
00:42:13,264 --> 00:42:17,800
“An for me is everything,
without art I'd rather die.
217
00:42:17,801 --> 00:42:20,782
If I can't be an artist,
218
00:42:26,010 --> 00:42:27,683
better to die.”
219
00:42:28,879 --> 00:42:33,650
I said, “Elena...it's not like that.
220
00:42:33,651 --> 00:42:35,652
Why did you go back to theatre class?
221
00:42:35,653 --> 00:42:38,821
We made a deal you wouldn't.
222
00:42:38,822 --> 00:42:40,233
You wouldn't go...'
223
00:42:40,824 --> 00:42:43,532
She didn't do theatre for a month.
224
00:42:44,295 --> 00:42:48,765
She said,“Then nothing
has any meaning for me.”
225
00:42:48,766 --> 00:42:51,634
I said, “We made a deal.
226
00:42:51,635 --> 00:42:54,637
Why go if it makes
you feel so bad...
227
00:42:54,638 --> 00:42:56,015
Wail.“
228
00:42:57,074 --> 00:42:57,840
I said,
229
00:42:57,841 --> 00:43:01,914
“I waited for you, I'm so tired,
230
00:43:02,713 --> 00:43:04,784
and have to leave early at 5.”
231
00:43:05,349 --> 00:43:08,660
“Will you look after Petra?"
She nodded.
232
00:43:13,824 --> 00:43:16,168
She lay down on her bed.
233
00:43:16,827 --> 00:43:20,897
I said, “I'll come back early,
as soon as it ends.
234
00:43:20,898 --> 00:43:24,141
You'll wait for me?
Take re of Pena?'
235
00:43:25,369 --> 00:43:29,317
I went to my room
and she started sobbing.
236
00:43:32,710 --> 00:43:34,314
I didn't go back there.
237
00:43:35,379 --> 00:43:37,714
She cried for about 10 minutes,
238
00:43:37,715 --> 00:43:39,752
then stopped.
239
00:43:42,152 --> 00:43:45,321
At 5 in the morning
I went to her again,
240
00:43:45,322 --> 00:43:50,169
“Here's the alarm clock
so you take Petra to school.”
241
00:43:51,895 --> 00:43:55,342
She nodded and went on sleeping.
242
00:48:17,661 --> 00:48:19,428
“This mystery,
243
00:48:19,429 --> 00:48:22,410
I feel dark, in darkness,
244
00:48:23,133 --> 00:48:24,578
which will never end.
245
00:48:26,603 --> 00:48:29,538
I don't dare wish to work in theater,
246
00:48:29,539 --> 00:48:32,281
cinema, dance, singing.
247
00:48:33,343 --> 00:48:36,324
'Cause I lived them
and moments later
248
00:48:37,114 --> 00:48:38,957
I no longer had their light,
249
00:48:39,249 --> 00:48:42,890
and didn't know what for
nor why I did them,
250
00:48:44,588 --> 00:48:48,331
and the same sadness took over me.“
251
00:48:54,097 --> 00:48:55,932
This day everyone ms out,
252
00:48:55,933 --> 00:48:58,601
the guy rang all apartments
253
00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:02,238
to get someone to open to save Elena,
254
00:49:02,239 --> 00:49:06,016
but nobody came,
no one ms here.
255
00:49:07,678 --> 00:49:15,062
I asked them to help take her quick,
they didn't want to carry her...
256
00:49:15,285 --> 00:49:17,697
wanted to wait for the ambulance.
257
00:49:19,990 --> 00:49:24,530
“Heel so sick. If only I could vomit.
258
00:49:26,463 --> 00:49:27,498
Not even that.
259
00:49:30,000 --> 00:49:31,274
I feel weak,
260
00:49:32,135 --> 00:49:35,708
a coward and ashamed
before life and everyone.
261
00:49:39,643 --> 00:49:41,384
I want to die.
262
00:49:43,080 --> 00:49:44,388
Reason?
263
00:49:45,349 --> 00:49:48,023
So many it's ridiculous to mention.
264
00:49:52,155 --> 00:49:53,327
I give up
265
00:49:55,225 --> 00:49:58,035
Because my heart's so sad
266
00:49:59,262 --> 00:50:02,436
I feel I have the right
to no longer wander
267
00:50:03,100 --> 00:50:05,239
with this body that occupies space
268
00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:10,277
and keeps on shatering
what I have that's so...fragile.'
269
00:50:12,109 --> 00:50:14,350
There was some blood on the walls,
270
00:50:15,512 --> 00:50:18,220
a syringe and a knife.
271
00:50:22,619 --> 00:50:25,454
There was a table in the comer
272
00:50:25,455 --> 00:50:28,595
with a word-processor
where she'd been writing.
273
00:50:32,329 --> 00:50:33,706
When we came in
274
00:50:35,132 --> 00:50:37,134
she was lying on the bed.
275
00:50:38,201 --> 00:50:40,681
From that side to this.
276
00:50:44,041 --> 00:50:46,021
In the middle of the bed, like this.
277
00:50:50,047 --> 00:50:51,651
I want to disappear.
278
00:51:34,391 --> 00:51:35,165
I remember...
279
00:51:36,593 --> 00:51:37,401
I remember.
280
00:51:41,131 --> 00:51:43,232
They came
with this interrogation,
281
00:51:43,233 --> 00:51:45,270
asking questions
for hours...
282
00:51:46,670 --> 00:51:48,172
Was she drugged?
283
00:51:49,106 --> 00:51:53,748
I said no, they kept asking
instead of attending her...
284
00:51:54,177 --> 00:51:55,451
They took so long.
285
00:52:03,153 --> 00:52:07,256
She started to cough,
sat up faint in bed,
286
00:52:07,257 --> 00:52:09,294
coughing.
287
00:52:09,593 --> 00:52:14,406
It's when she vomited.
I screamed and they came
288
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:20,179
and took her to dean out her lungs.
289
00:54:16,519 --> 00:54:18,521
I'm dancing with the moon.
290
00:56:02,792 --> 00:56:05,329
When I told you Elena died,
291
00:56:07,063 --> 00:56:10,601
the first thing you said was
“It hurts my feelings.”
292
00:56:11,134 --> 00:56:12,408
You started to cry
293
00:56:13,503 --> 00:56:15,744
and asked for your cuddly elephant.
Someone got it and you kept him on your lap like this...
294
00:56:17,841 --> 00:56:21,448
They got H, you kept it
on your lap...
295
00:57:10,460 --> 00:57:11,666
Guilt is...
296
00:57:12,796 --> 00:57:16,835
the head catching fire.
297
00:57:26,509 --> 00:57:27,954
The pain 01 guilt.
298
00:57:29,979 --> 00:57:31,788
Anguish, is here...
299
00:57:35,218 --> 00:57:36,162
And then...
300
00:57:36,453 --> 00:57:37,693
guilt...tchaa...
301
00:57:42,559 --> 00:57:44,470
The pain is so unbearable,
302
00:57:48,131 --> 00:57:49,769
the physical suffering,
303
00:57:50,834 --> 00:57:53,610
It seems the only
way out is death.
304
00:57:59,142 --> 00:58:00,587
Nothingness.
305
00:58:08,017 --> 00:58:10,224
But how could I leave you alone?
306
00:58:11,488 --> 00:58:13,722
This story ran in my head:
307
00:58:13,723 --> 00:58:17,569
“If I'd arrived home, found Elena dead...
308
00:58:18,194 --> 00:58:22,064
I'd rent a car, put you and her in it,
309
00:58:22,065 --> 00:58:24,978
drive off a cliff and all would end.'
310
00:58:26,269 --> 00:58:30,012
So I understood... such stories,
311
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:32,481
“Killed family and committed suicide.'
312
00:58:35,278 --> 00:58:37,279
But this was no solution,
313
00:58:37,280 --> 00:58:39,123
I couldn't do this to you,
314
00:58:40,683 --> 00:58:42,253
my little seven-year-old.
315
00:58:42,752 --> 00:58:44,698
It wasn't a way out.
316
00:58:45,021 --> 00:58:46,056
It was just...
317
00:58:47,257 --> 00:58:48,600
My despair,
318
00:58:48,858 --> 00:58:50,895
a torment in the head.
319
01:05:25,221 --> 01:05:27,422
It's almost like I couldn't feel...
320
01:05:27,423 --> 01:05:29,664
...and nothing comes back.
An emptiness.
321
01:05:30,259 --> 01:05:35,259
I criticize myself a lot...
all the time
322
01:05:35,498 --> 01:05:39,605
...especially sex, without love it's a poison.
323
01:05:40,636 --> 01:05:42,673
It's like there's...
324
01:05:44,373 --> 01:05:47,108
a being in me that hates me.
325
01:05:47,109 --> 01:05:49,988
I'd dive under in this bath
to erase it all,
326
01:05:51,948 --> 01:05:53,985
sleep forever.
327
01:06:54,310 --> 01:06:57,052
I started wanting to die
when I was 13,
328
01:06:59,548 --> 01:07:01,182
up to 16.
329
01:07:01,183 --> 01:07:03,720
Three to four years...
330
01:07:06,689 --> 01:07:10,392
The first crisis I remember
was in my room,
331
01:07:10,393 --> 01:07:13,374
I drew in front of the minor my face,
332
01:07:15,164 --> 01:07:17,667
in dark blue, purple, black.
333
01:07:19,435 --> 01:07:23,038
With many creases,
as if I were old...
334
01:07:23,039 --> 01:07:24,518
old and tragic.
335
01:07:25,441 --> 01:07:26,283
Then...
336
01:07:27,810 --> 01:07:29,177
on the eve of Elena's death,
337
01:07:29,178 --> 01:07:32,091
she looked in her closet for a poster.
338
01:07:32,648 --> 01:07:34,423
When she found it, I saw...
339
01:07:35,551 --> 01:07:40,551
it was of the play Elektra,
so much like my drawing.
340
01:07:41,824 --> 01:07:44,202
I remembered it well.
341
01:07:44,827 --> 01:07:46,773
She hung it on her wall
342
01:07:47,129 --> 01:07:49,370
the night she did the staging...
343
01:07:51,567 --> 01:07:52,637
of death.
344
01:08:38,280 --> 01:08:40,448
“If she convinces me life's not worth H,
345
01:08:40,449 --> 01:08:42,360
I have to die with her.”
346
01:08:44,186 --> 01:08:45,520
“Going over that film...
347
01:08:45,521 --> 01:08:47,762
...All I could've done different.”
348
01:11:22,778 --> 01:11:23,848
Where is...
349
01:11:26,782 --> 01:11:28,489
Where is...
23636
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