Original subtitles

Mayor McHenry currently faces 12 counts

of corruption for his alleged embezzlement of county funds

and could face a maximum of 12 years in state prison.

I guess now we know who to blame for all those

unfilled potholes around town.

Well, maybe they'll fill up with snowflakes tonight, right, Stan?

That's right, Todd.

An Alberta clipper system, a fast moving area

of low pressure is dragging a cold front our way,

it's drawing moisture up from the south.

We're expecting between three and six inches

worth of heavy, wet snow

by the time you wake up for Christmas morning.

Christmas is... a happy time.

Yep, a real happy time.

I'm just saying, Christmas ain't like it is

in those feel good movies.

Sometimes it could be like, like...

Ho, ho, ho.

Like a cosmic kick in the dick.

When I was 11, the local county judge

had a pretty shitty Christmas.

It was all over the news.

The judge comes home late on Christmas Eve

and there was a hit man waiting for him in the kitchen.

Could have been worse, I mean, he lived.

That kind of stuff happens all the time in East Jesus, Ohio.

We're just a scoot south of bumblefuck Michigan

on the border of Pensyltucky.

Right square in a county called trouble.

Some pretty messed up shit goes on here,

on a daily, like, for reals.

For real?

Sorry.

That'll be all?

It'll be $10.99.

Would you like a bag with that?

Do you have a bathroom?

Dear God...

I know I don't pray much ever, at all,

but if you really do exist,

if you really are this all powerful,

all knowing being,

then please, just this once...

help me.

Please, please,

please, please, please, please.

Please, please...

please.

Oh.

Sophia!

Me-a Sophia, you stole my heart

and then I sharded.

- Sophia! - Oh, my God.

What's you doing?

Walking, what does it look like?

It looks like you could use a lift.

You could use a car.

Well, I got my driver's permit last week

and I've been delivering papers, so...

my uncle's Sunfire will be mine in no time.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

By then I bet you could use a ride but I might be too busy.

I thought you were in love with me?

Now you're going to be too busy.

I was in love in you, that was last year.

Plus, I heard you're with Trey Davis now.

We broke up. Kind of.

- I figured. - What's that suppose to mean?

Well, when I was coming here, I passed Madison Fatchek's house

and as soon as her dad leaves, I see him walk in.

Fatchick, Fatchek?

She's not so fat anymore.

I heard she got her stomach stapled.

Jimmy Stam says that she's anorexic.

She's probably bulimic.

Those titties, still fat though.

You're so gross!

Just saying.

Isn't her dad a cop?

He's a detective and Jimmy Stam

told me that she helps her cousin sell weed

and he doesn't detect shit.

That must be where Trey's been getting faded.

He's probably getting more than just weed.

- Stop. - What?

Your shoe's untied.

The stupid thing keeps coming undone.

You should double knot it.

You should hold on.

♪ It was the night before Christmas Day ♪

♪ And all the elves was busy loading up the sleigh ♪

♪ Jolly Santa was like getting his kicks ♪

♪ And some old reindeer was out learning new tricks ♪

♪ But one of the elves said "Man, we got to go ♪

♪ We're way behind and it's beginning to snow" ♪

♪ Just in Rudolph with the bloody nose ♪

♪ Arrives Santa with his sleigh and whiskey on his clothes ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ As jolly jingle bells was ringing ♪

♪ All them little children they was singing ♪

- Hi, Sophia. - Hi, Sophia.

So when does your stepdad go to work?

- He got fired. - Again?

I know. Right?

What are you doing tonight?

- I don't know. - My parents are going to the casino

and I know where they keep their booze

if you want to go back to my place and Netflix and chill.

- I can't. - Yeah, right, whatever.

Noah.

Noah!

Why don't you cook dinner for once?

Because I don't want to.

Why don't you get off my nutsack?

You are such a prick.

- You want me to turn off the power again? - Woman, please.

How many times we have to go through this, Rayjon?

We need to save money, get that through your freaking skull.

Yeah, and how much that outfit cost at Penny's yesterday?

- I got that for work. - Sure you did.

You really think it cost more than those golf clubs

you got out in the garage?

Again with the golf clubs.

What'd you think, you were Tiger Woods or something?

You're going to sell those things tomorrow, you hear me?

No, I ain't.

If you don't then I will.

Go to work, Theresa.

At least I got a job, you freaking deadbeat.

What did you say?

Eat... a... dick.

That's got a good beat to it, right?

Real mature, say it a little louder

so the kids can hear you.

Eat a dick, eat a dick, take a big old bite,

or a little lick.

I should record that right there.

We've all had a shitty Christmas

at one time or another, right?

Like, when I was four years old

my dumbass daddy robbed a Quick Mart twice.

Ask my mom about that Christmas, and all she'll say

is, "He didn't get me nothing that year."

Why are you bitching at me?

Because you didn't get me nothing for Christmas this year,

you cheap son of a bitch.

- Wait, what time is it? - It's 11:53.

Well, it ain't Christmas morning yet.

Where you going?

The night is young, Theresa.

The night is not young,

it's Christmas freaking Eve.

You can't get nothing now, every where's closed.

We'll see about that.

- Nefantarter, holy shit, is that you? - Yeah.

You look good, man, like you've been lifting.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

You need anything, man, I got ups and downs,

- and loopty-loos. - No, thanks, man.

I told you I'm good.

Been clean for two years. You ain't noticed?

Two... two years, it's been that long, holy shit, man,

I remember when you were everyday, twice a day.

Yeah, not anymore.

Hey, hey, didn't you go to jail or some shit

for leaving your kid in the car

while you were getting a handy at the Rub & Tug?

Yeah, I was all doped out

on that crystal blue shit back then.

Oh, yeah, crystal blue.

I got that crystal blue shit, man.

Not anymore.

I know what you like, mama, you like that white chocolate.

- $1.87. - $1.87?

- Yes. - Uh, that's a bit steep, ain't it?

- Tax. - Yeah, yeah, tax my ass.

Shit, I forgot my wallet.

I'll tell you what, you pay me.

- What? - You pay me.

Come on, open the register.

Open the register.

Next time you should, uh, catch it with your hands, not your face.

Come on, come on, underneath too.

Holy Christmas tits!

Is this for me?

Be a good little elf

and put it all in Santa's sack.

Uh-uh.

Hey, uh, sorry about your eye.

My daddy took all that money,

and put it straight in his arm.

Oh, shit.

Ah. I forgot the goddamn candy.

And I tell him, don't you ever come back here,

or I'll kick your shitty little ass, punk.

I forgot my candy bar, but since I'm here,

why don't you do me a favor and give me your wallet?

Please, sir, you've already robbed us once.

No, I already robbed him.

Damn.

I'm sorry, none of you guys can catch,

that's too bad.

Merry Christmas, fellas.

Oh, oh, there it is, oh, oh.

You cheap son of a bitch.

Theresa.

You didn't get me nothing

for Christmas this year.

Uh, that's not true.

I, I got you your favorite candy bar.

Eat it, Daddy.

I want candy.

Oh. Oh!

- What kind are you going to get? - Peanut butter.

I'm going to get caramel.

You should try the white chocolate.

Mm. It's delicious.

My mom still pretends he OD'd,

but I'm too old for Santa Clause and fairytales.

♪ I got big rocks in my pocket ♪

♪ And I love girls to stop it ♪

♪ Anybody want that smoke ♪

♪ Then I'll show my pocket rockets ♪

♪ Hit the road ♪

All you all fools going to get wasted when I get all this shit.

He sounds like a nuub.

What'd you say?

Yeah, total nuub.

Oh, who you calling nuub?

I'll smoke all you all fools.

Okay, nuub, whatever you say.

Oh, he's dead, get him, get him.

Man, shut up.

- He sucks. - You all think you all are bad?

I ought to kick both of your asses when I see you all.

You best believe that.

Come on, boys, let's go to the mall.

Who wants to see Santa?

Yay!

What?

- Sophia. - Go away!

Is everything all right, sweetie?

You have to work on Christmas Eve?

Yeah, we're doing inventory today.

I could use the extra hours.

I'll be home by 11, don't worry.

Just makes sure dickhead downstairs cooks something for dinner.

- Did you hear me? - Yes!

You don't mind if I borrow these, do you?

I'll give them back, I swear.

What's the matter, is it Trey?

What did he do now?

Mind your own business.

I was a teenager once too, you know?

Until I got pregnant.

Anyways, been there done that.

I'm always here if you need to talk.

- Mom. - Oh, no, I can't right now, honey, I got to go.

Do me a favor though, stop by and see your grandparents today.

- Do I have to? - Yes, you have to.

- Why? - Because they're old,

and they live, like, five blocks away

and they're probably going to die soon.

- And because I said so. - Whatever!

You don't think Grandma could use the extra help.

Malecia was supposed to come over.

So go later, they'd love to see you.

Fine, I'll go but it's total bullshit.

- Sophia Hendrix, so help me, God. - That is not my name.

Girl, sometimes I swear you act like a spoiled little twat.

If you want to keep your daddy's last name

and be known as the daughter as an OD'd smack addict,

go ahead but don't come crying to me again

when they start bullying you in school.

Great, now I'm really going to be late.

Can I use this?

I love you, sweetie.

Hey, I remember you, you live on Easy Street, right?

Your mama like jewelry?

She got any diamonds?

Hey, where the hoe, hoe, hoes at?

How about I take you home with me tonight?

Could be my elf on the shelf.

No, thanks.

You ain't even my type.

Okay, everybody, let's take a little break.

I'm sorry, folks, I just need a word with old St. Nick.

We'll be open in ten minutes.

It's bad enough you show up three sheets to the wind.

You smell like you parked your sleigh up Rudolph's rotten asshole,

and you definitely can't smoke the wacky tobacy here,

not in my mall.

You got something to say to me?

You son of a bitch, you're fired!

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell best stay out my way ♪

♪ And if you don't I take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey! ♪

♪ Jingle bells go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Stumbling through snow on a street this Christmas Day ♪

♪ What time's the pawn shop close ♪

♪ Pulled up, I'm on my way ♪

♪ Got a 40 in my hand throwing shit up in my sack ♪

♪ Hope I don't get caught again or jail I'm going back ♪

♪ I see you when you sleep I see when you're awake ♪

♪ But if you try and stop me you'll make a big mistake ♪

♪ Down your chimney I will slide ♪

♪ On a cold and snowy night ♪

♪ Taking all your gifts and, bitch, I'm out of sight ♪

♪ I'm out of sight ♪

♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪

♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight I'm out of sight ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪

Damn, boy you going to do me like that.

Hi, Mr. Hendricks, is Sophia home?

Yeah, she upstairs.

Hi, Malecia.

Oh, what now, sucker?

Wait, that's not fair.

Who is it?

It's me, open up.

Thank you so much for coming over.

Anything for my BFF.

Oh, God, your stepbrother is such a freak.

Why, what'd he do now?

Notta, boy's just whack.

You have no idea, he sits down there playing games

all day because he has, like, zero friends.

What about the little boy from down the street,

uh... Franki, what's his face?

Oh, RJ kicked the crap out of him,

so now Mrs. Baylaw won't let him come over anymore.

The boy's, like, ten years old.

- Yep. - With asthma.

RJ gets picked on by all the kids in his own grade,

so he pays that forward by bullying anyone weaker than him.

Freakshow.

In other news, so what's up with Sophia?

I'm pregnant.

Shut up, are you serious?

Oh, that's wild, do you know who's it is?

Of course I know who's it is, it's Trey's!

- Oh. - What?

- Nothing. - No, tell me, what?

It's like I heard he was with Fatchick now.

No, he just gets weed off of her.

That's not what I heard.

Can we focus on the problem here?

- What's that? - The baby, Malecia, the baby!

- Oh, gee, relax. - Relax?

I cannot relax. My mom is going to kill me.

My whole life is over!

I'm going to have to drop out of school.

I'm going to have to get, like, a job for diapers.

No, you won't, that's what welfare's for.

What?

I'm going to get so fat!

Well, look at the bright side,

if Trey's into Madison Fatchek,

maybe he likes a little extra cushion for the pushing.

Ow, sorry.

He's not with Fatchek.

Besides, heard she lost, like, a lot of weight or something.

Oh, I have an idea.

- Well, spit it out. - Girl, that's what you should have done.

Ow, sorry.

You could get an abortion.

You mean, like, kill it?

You can't kill something that's not been born yet, can you?

I mean, I guess not. Is that even legal?

Of course it's legal, it's been legal since, like, the '80's.

Haven't you ever heard of a woman's right to choose?

I thought it was choosing the name or something.

No, dummy, that means you can choose

to keep it or...

- So my mom would never know? - Nope.

Nobody ever has to know.

Here, let's search it.

Ohio abortions... got it.

Well, what's it say?

Uh...

A parent must consent before a minor gets an abortion.

My life is so over.

Want to go get pizza?

Go grab me another six pack out the fridge.

- Can I get one? - Yeah, no.

- Where you all going? - Out.

You got to babysit the boys next door.

- Uh, no one told me that. - Yeah, the neighbor lady

came over this morning, asked if you could watch them

while she do some last minute Christmas shopping.

- So I told her, all right. - Well, I can't.

Your mom going to be heated when she find out.

- You know we need that scrilla. - Sorry, not sorry.

Malecia!

I can babysit.

You?

- So when did it happen? - What?

Oh, oh!

- Oh, yeah. - On Thanksgiving.

Get out, he stuffed you up on turkey day?

Was it at his house or yours?

He actually got in a huge fight with his parents that night,

had nowhere to go to eat so I invited him over to join us.

Oh, you're too sweet.

It actually happened in his car.

Next thing I knew we were just doing it.

How'd you get pregnant?

Uh, last time I checked

there's only one way to get pregnant.

- Didn't he use a condom? - Yeah, at first.

Then it kept getting...

- soft. - The condom?

No, him!

So he had to take it off.

Oh.

- Sophia! - Oh, no.

I waited for my period, it just never came.

- No way! - What!

It's my mom, she says someone broke into the house.

- Really? - Sorry, bae, got to go.

Stay strong, girl, you'll figure it out. Hundo p.

Oh, hell no, they took our presents.

Sophia, won't you ride with me-a?

Are you stalking me?

You wish I was stalking you.

So you're not stalking me?

No, I'm, uh, I'm on my way to Walmart.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- Walmart's that way. - Oh, I mean, uh,

I mean, I'm coming back from Walmart.

Oh. What'd you get?

I, uh, I shoplifted this gum, you want a piece?

- You stole this? - Maybe,

would that turn you on?

I mean, that's why you're with Trey, right,

you like criminals.

No.

Huh. I just figured it probably made you wet

every time he talks about juvie.

Ew.

He's 18 now, so no more juvie.

You know that's so statutory right?

- Shut up! - I'm just saying.

- So why him? - Why not?

Because he's a complete tool.

- You're a tool! - Good one.

Why do you think he's a tool?

Where do I even start?

Jimmy Stam told me his real name is Edward Davis III.

He just calls himself Trey to sound black.

He acts like he's all hood and gangster, he's country as shit.

His dad's the fishing warden, real hood.

And plus isn't he supposed to be a senior?

He's failed three years in a row.

He's a liar, he's an asshole and he's a scumbag.

I bet he's cheating on you right now.

People like him need to be put in their place.

Okay, psycho, let's go.

- Where are we going? - Madison Fatchek's house.

- Okey dokey, pretty lady. - You're such a dork.

Oh, look at these losers.

Isn't that Trey's little slut?

Hey, watch this.

Fags!

Assholes.

I think those were Trey's friends.

- That's his whip, right? - Yeah.

He probably stole it.

I told you so.

He's just smoking some weed,

it isn't even that big of a deal.

Oh, snap!

- Busted. - Oh.

Seriously?

Let's go!

Sophia, it's not what it looks like!

You lied to me!

I'm sorry, shawty, my head's all messed up,

I don't even know what's going on.

Let that bitch go, Trey.

Who you calling a bitch, skank?

Tell her you're with a real woman now.

Shut up, skank.

Sophia.

Okay, hoe, you gots to go.

I'm about to pop you like a cherry on prom night.

Whoa!

Damn!

Oh.

- Are you getting that? - Yep.

Oh, man.

- All right. - Hell yeah!

Are you going to help me up or what?

Hey, give me my shirt back.

Sophia, wait!

What are you looking at?

This one's going on YouTube!

- You okay? - No.

Well, look, my offer still stands,

nothing's better for a heartache than a horror movie,

a bottle of 151 and some Sprite to chase it down.

There's actually this flick called, Silent Night, Deadly Night

- about a deranged... - I can't.

Well, if Santa's not your thing,

there's always Killer Klowns from Outer Space.

No, I can't come over.

Don't tell me it's because of Trey,

he's cheating on you, you saw it with your own eyes.

There's two types of men in this world,

and he's neither of them.

You're smart, you're fun, you're beautiful, you're perfect.

Stop.

What?

I'm...

Let me guess, you're still in love with him?

I give up.

Noah.

I'm pregnant!

With his?

I guess I was wrong about you, Sophia,

you're not as smart as I thought.

Good luck.

- What? - You're going to need it.

He spit on us!

What's wrong with you?

Hey.

You all right?

You need to talk?

Is this about that white boy

that thinks of himself as a brother?

You just let me know,

I've been waiting months to slap the black out of his mouth.

Or if it's a womanly issue,

your mom won't be back for awhile,

but you can always go to your Grandma's.

- Just go away! - Okay.

I'm just trying to help, God.

How long you going to be in there?

I got to take a shit!

- Get off my porch. - Grandpa.

- I will shoot. - Grandpa, it's me, Sophia.

- Who? - Your granddaughter!

Oh, yeah.

- Come on in, sweetie pie. - Okay.

Go on, take a seat, sit down.

What happened to your eye?

- What's that? - Your eye, what happened?

That ain't nothing, I'm fine.

I'm sorry, where are my manners,

would you like something to drink some milk or pop?

No, thanks.

- You want to cookie? - No, I'm good.

Well, suit yourself.

Where's Grandma at?

We just don't want any trouble here, ma'am.

- You worthless piece of garbage! - Hey!

- Ow! - Settle down.

Okay, that was against the law.

Oh, who gives a shit.

I was just hoping to talk to her.

Why, you have a bad day at school?

Oh, there's no school today, it's Christmas Eve.

Oh, yeah.

I knew that.

Can I ask you a question, Grandpa?

Shoot, kiddo.

Why did you and Grandma stop after Mom came along?

Like, why didn't you guys have any more kids?

- We did. - What?

Your mama...

she was actually our second child.

She's got an older sister out there somewhere.

What?

You know what,

your grandma would fry my balls for breakfast

if she knew I was going to tell you this, but guess what, kiddy...

want you get to my age you start passing secrets

like you pass gas.

Oh, Grandpa.

It's milk.

So what happened to her?

- Who's that? - Mom's sister.

You know that story about how

me and your Grandma met, don't you?

Yeah, at a Cleveland Indians game, right?

We didn't meet at no Indians game,

that was just a, just a bunch of hog wash

your grandma told everyone.

Christ, we, we met at a church.

You and Grandma went to church?

Hell yes, we went in to church.

That was damn near 50 years ago.

You see your grandma was real religious back then.

I attended on a regular basis, though

I wasn't much for the singing and dancing

till I met her.

From that moment on there was no getting between us.

Good Lord!

Oh, my God, oh, oh, oh, my God, oh, oh,

amen, oh, amen, oh, my God!

Long story short...

I put a bun in her over.

And after a few months, that baby girl was upon us.

So we put her up for adoption.

Why?

Well, I didn't have a job,

we had no way to support her and it's...

sometimes life only gives you one choice in the moment.

I always hoped that she had a good life,

she, she found a good family

that loved her and took care of her.

Anyway, Grandma and me, we moved on.

After a few years, I got a job at the mill.

We built a house and we started trying again.

That's when your mama came along

and believe me, with all the spit and vinegar in her veins,

one was enough.

Wow.

Yeah.

Funny thing is we, we ain't never been back to church since.

So I bought myself a wedding coat

and I met her at the courthouse.

- And that was that. - Yeah.

And that, sweetie pie, was that.

Son of a bitch, what time is it?

Uh, it's a quarter past eight.

Yeah, I forgot to take my cholesterol pills.

Are you sure I can't get you something to eat?

No, thanks, Grandpa, I haven't had much of an appetite today anyway.

Plus, I got to get going.

Bye, Grandpa.

Hey, tell Grandma I said hi.

Okay.

Bye!

Yeah, Grandma.

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round young virgin ♪

What a crock of shit.

You really think she was a virgin?

You think anyone around here would believe me

if I said Jesus knocked me up?

Yeah, that's what I'll go with, immaculate conception.

Yep, Jesus is the one, Jesus is the daddy,

he knocked me up, I'm still a virgin.

Give me a goddamn break.

♪ Sleep in ♪

♪ Heavenly peace ♪

You guys know any Tupac?

Your brother was being a bad boy, but if your mommy asks,

he fell down when you were playing tag, you understand?

Now get up and go lay in bed.

Bring that ass over here...

please?

Okay, okay, okay, I deserved that, I deserved that.

Look, I'm so sorry, girl.

Have you even got my texts, I've been blowing up the phone like a hella cray.

I don't know what I was thinking.

Maybe I thought, you know, you're on a break, or something,

like my dick is in her mouth,

but my heart is in your hands, you feel me?

- Trey, I have something to tell you. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Let me finish, let me finish.

I know I made a mistake,

but the truth is that hoe ain't got nothing on you, girl.

You're my one and only,

the peanut butter to my jelly sandwich, girl.

- I love you. - I'm pregnant.

I love everything...

Wait, what?

You heard me.

That shit ain't mine.

I know that shit for reals ain't mine.

- Who's do you think it is? - I don't know,

maybe it's that one kid you've been hanging with.

What's his name, Noah Vanhomo?

- No. - I see the way he look at you.

- He hit that, huh? - No.

- I know he hit that. - Trey.

You're the only person

I've ever been with.

You expect me to believe that? How dumb you think I am?

You're about making all this up just to try to win me back.

- Win you back? - Yeah.

And you just jelly because I moved on with my life.

It ain't going to work.

Trey, I'm serious, this is your baby.

- This our baby. - Stop...

saying that.

What are we going to do?

There is no we in this situation.

Is what are you going to do?

Gee.

Sophia!

Coming up at 11, officials are calling it

an opioid epidemic.

So what can parents do to make sure their kids

stay off the white horse?

Plus, a string of Christmas Eve robberies

have been reported around town.

So be sure to keep the doors locked tight tonight.

And full details on the charges

levied at Mayor McHenry.

Just how much money is he accused of stealing

from the county road department?

All that and more at First Action News 11.

If either one of you's tells on me...

Now go to bed.

RJ?

Sophia?

♪ Eat a dick eat, eat, eat a dick ♪

♪ Take a big old bite or a little lick ♪

- Yeah? - Did you cook dinner?

No, I didn't cook no damn dinner, I told you.

- Rayjon, I swear to God I bust my ass every week... - Babe.

- ...working overtime then I have to come home... - Babe.

- ...and cook and clean and do the dishes. - Baby.

- All while you sit on your lazy ass. - Bitch, relax!

- I'll pick something up. - What did you call me?

- Damn. - Consider this your New Year's resolution,

either you get a job and get your shit together...

Oops, lost you.

Thanks again for watching them. I am so surprised that they're asleep already.

They're great kids, really.

They're a little rough though, like I said,

one minute they're playing tag then

all of a sudden it became a full blown fist fight.

What? Dear lord.

Don't worry, I put an end to that real quick.

Here, take this, thank you so much.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

Sup?

Going to get some food, you want anything?

- Yeah, where you going? - Doghouse.

Um, strawberry milkshake.

- Boy, you into some fruity shit, huh? - You all right to drive?

Don't come at me like that strawberry shake.

I'm fine.

How much scoobs was given you for watching them brats?

Thirty bucks.

Seriously?

You want that milkshake or not?

Milkshakes don't cost 30 bucks.

The ones at Doghouse do.

Here, but I keep the rest, because it's my house,

and it's my rules.

Cheer up, son, you're only got three or four more years

then you're ass enlist in the Marines,

then you're Uncle Sam's problem.

Come on, man, put them up.

Come on, boy, put them up, put them up.

What's you going to do now, sucker?

Please pick up, Noah.

Under two minutes to go on the ninth annual achievements

high efficiency toilet bowl.

The Penguins look sluggish all day but had to

get another turnover by the Grasshoppers offense.

...from a colossal upset here.

I haven't seen anything this sloppy

since I walked in on my wife with a special teams unit.

Whoa, buddy, whoa,

save that one for the post game show, huh?

♪ I'm just chilling with my crew thinking of ways ♪

♪ To get them dollars I'm just... ♪

We'll be right back with more

from the Hughes High Efficiency Toilet Bowl

- brought to you by... - Have you heard about the mayor, folks?

Yeah, this guy's a real piece of work.

I am sick and tired...

♪ I did something crazy ♪

♪ And I won't remember it tomorrow ♪

Don't be cocking me, fool, I go 187, blah, blah, blah.

If you've been living under a rock

and you have not heard by now,

the mayor of our wonderful little town

was arrested this morning.

That's right, folks, I'm going to say it again.

The mayor arrested

on freaking Christmas Eve of all days.

Looks like he's getting a lump of coal in his stocking.

I'd like to slap him upside the head with it.

They said he took hundreds of thousands of dollars

from the road department.

Yeah, those same busted ass roads

you're probably driving on right now

with the three foot craters in them.

These roads we supposedly

paid for with our taxes.

This degenerate thought he could get away with it, ha.

Walk in, Trey Trey, man up, take responsibility.

Let's go, Trey Trey, let's go!

Let's go.

Nightly Talk Radio is sponsored by Shark Power Washing,

that's the real Sharp Power Washing, got a dirty deck,

call Sharp Power Washing, big or small, light or dark,

they'll make your deck look cleaner, whiter, girthier.

The whole neighborhood will be talking about your sharp deck.

Sharp Power Washing remember, the other guys might power wash

but they ain't real sharp.

Soph, it's me.

I'm sorry for what I said, shawty.

Look, I'll help you find a doctor,

I'll even pay for it.

Just please open the door.

Sophia, you should be with me-a!

But you're a fool to be tool.

This is it, the clock is ticking

and the game's on the line.

So if you have something to say

about the mayor, I'd like to hear it.

- Oh, man. Yeah. - We're going to open up the phone lines right now.

300-888-72...

On their feet, it's all up to Noah Vanmeter now

but I don't know, Chip, he looks kind of drunk.

- Noah, Noah, Noah! - There's the snap.

The kick is up and it's...

- Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah! - It's good!

With these stinking politicians is crooked...

Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah, Noah!

Shoe's untied.

Better double knot it.

888-70...

There.

Jesus!

These damn potholes.

I ain't going to tax my unemployment

when they fix the damn roads, corrupt mother...

Mommy.

What the hell, he don't even look nothing like me.

What, take that, Santa.

I hope you meet a nice big fellow behind bars, Mr. Mayor,

a big old bubba who makes a pothole out of your behind.

Pay that, pal.

Settle down. Would you like to

try our new Chihuahua sirachi burger?

Um, yeah, give me one of those,

a hound dog,

a Yorkie and, um...

two golden retrievers.

Anything else?

A strawberry shake.

A strawberry shake. Is that all?

Give me some extra fries too.

Okay, your total is $17.79.

I'll tell you what... lose the extra fries.

Whoa, damn, girl, you packing now?

That's that Dirty Harry shit, damn.

Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay, Soph.

You don't have to do this.

- Where's your dad? - He went to get food.

Son of a...

21 cents.

Holy balls!

What?

- Where's Sophia? - I don't know.

You're not alone, I'm here.

We could do whatever you want.

Just put the gun down.

I think Dad's home.

Turn it off, time to eat.

Welcome back to First Action News at 11.

Oh, shit.

Rayjon?

- I'm so sorry. - Are you drunk?

I'm so sorry!

Sorry for what?

What did you do?

Answer it.

It's nobody.

Get on your knees, show me your hands!

Hey, I said on your knees!

Hey, freeze, freeze!

We got a runner.

Freeze, hey!

Right in the fucking knee!

Kid, hey!

Kid, freaking golf clubs. Oh!

Come on.

Get off of me.

Hey, dispatch, what was the make on that 1022?

Please forgive me!

Somebody tell me what the hell's going on!

Do it now!

On speaker.

Hey, sexy, did you dump that hoe yet or what?

Oh!

Huh?

What was that?

I need backup.

You shot me!

You shot me in the dick!

Dear God, Lord, your highness, whatever,

it's me again, Sophia Nefantarter.

Oh, my winkie!

Thank you, thank you for this gift.

The gift of life.

I ask for your forgiveness

for all the bad shit that I've done,

for all the bad shit my family's done.

Please forgive us.

And please, God...

more than anything else...

don't let them take my baby away.

Don't let anyone take my baby away.

♪ All I want for Christmas, yeah ♪

♪ I said, all I want for Christmas ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ All I want for Christmas yeah, yeah ♪ - Whoa.

♪ All I want for Christmas is two bad bitches ♪

♪ A big bag of weed and a Charger on six's ♪

♪ A fresh pair of jeans and a brand new birdie ♪

♪ If I don't get everything on my list ♪

♪ Santa's getting murdered, murdered ♪

♪ All I want for Christmas is two bad bitches ♪

♪ A big bag of weed and a Charger on six's ♪

♪ A fresh pair of jeans and a brand new birdie ♪

♪ If I don't get everything on my list ♪

♪ Santa's getting murdered, murdered ♪

♪ I'm a the studio with your bitch on the low ♪

♪ Get your winter coats because I'm about to make it snow ♪

♪ I saw mama kissing Santa Clause underneath the mistletoe ♪

♪ So I called that bitch a hoe ♪

Breaking news now coming to us from KB's Doghouse

on state route 12.

For more we go to Guy Sanders live on location.

Guy, what can you tell us?

Well, Todd, state highway patrol are now investigating

what seems to be a grizzly hit and run

which occurred sometime before 10:46 p.m.

When a man in a red pickup truck

came to this drive through to get something to eat.

When I looked out I couldn't believe my eyes.

It was a bloody mess down there.

There was blood everywhere and an arm sticking out.

There was a body under that truck.

That's when the suspect left the scene

as well as the victim on the side of the road.

It was ridiculous. I think he gave me the thumbs up.

Vicki and Todd back to you.

Me, oh, my, that is just...

bizarre.

- Yeah. - You know?

Todd, that's the perfect word to encapsulate

how I feel about that... bizarre story.

- Thank you, Guy. - Gruesome.

In other local news, community church preschoolers

took a field trip to the metropark's farm this morning.

But you're never going to guess what the children learned

about this squirrel's nuts.

♪ No presents for Christmas for us when we was growing up ♪

♪ We don't celebrate holidays on the block we posted up ♪

♪ They stuck them stuck them stuck them back of the head ♪

♪ Because they got no dough ♪

Mayor McHenry currently faces 12 counts

of corruption for his alleged embezzlement of county funds,

and could face a maximum of 12 years in state prison.

I guess now we know who to blame for all those unfilled potholes around town.

♪ ...or what, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ I'm making myself a wish list ♪

You can't do this to me!

You got the wrong guy.

- I'm the mayor. - Well, I'm running for the black guy.

Don't make me tase you, bro.

♪ I want more money more bitches ♪

♪ One who can suck it and lick it ♪

♪ And one who can cook and wash dishes ♪

I didn't... I didn't do anything.

I'm a good, I'm a good man.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry.

- Mama, I'm sorry! - Come on watch your step.

I didn't do it.

We will transfer juvies to JDE in a bit.

The rest of you'un's stay put until Judge Cheryl shows up tomorrow.

But with that being the holiday and all...

Merry Christmas.

Hold my pocket.

Grandma?

I'm the mayor now!

♪ My name ring bells hear jingle bells ♪

♪ I'm dressed in all red but I ain't Kris Kringle ♪

♪ They hate me they call me the Grinch ♪

♪ I'm robbing your house yeah, I'm hitting a lick ♪

♪ I'm taking your presents I'm taking your bitch ♪

♪ Taking your tree and I'm leaving you sick ♪

Next time in East Jesus, Ohio.

Oh, give it to me, ah, oh yeah, give it to me.

Oh yeah, oh yeah!

Oh yeah, oh yeah, call me a pig.

Oh yeah, you filthy pig.

Oh yeah, piggie.

Damn it!

- What? - Hurry up in there.

It's Valentine's Day, damn it!

I got to get ready for my big date,

and you're hogging all the hot water,

you inconsiderate little prick!

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah, piggie.

You beat off too much.

You're bound to go blind, son.

I should know, how do you think I got these cataracts?

What the...

- All right, all right, all right. - Action.

Just go away!

Okay. I was just trying to help. Good God.

How long you going to be in there?

I got to take the Browns to the Superbowl.

I got to unloose the caboose.

I got to drop the property value.

I got to launch the missiles!

I got to loose the cracking.

I got to drop a swamp pie.

I got to drop a baby otter.

Oh, I got to churn some dookie butter. Oh.

It's dripping down my leg!

Okay, I could use a laugh.

What? I'm not funny.

Come at me, blondie.

You know how I lost the weight, Krav Maga.

Yep, Jesus knocked me up.

It must be my lucky day, first I get some ass,

now I get to kick some ass.

I'm not 16 and pregnant.

Ah, you're cute, but I'm about to make you real ugly.

Goddamn slut.

I hope you're hungry,

because you're about to eat the pavement.

Aa!

I think it's that time of the month

for me to kick your ass.

Now this feels dirty.

♪ It was the night before Christmas Day ♪

♪ And all the elves was busy loading up the sleigh ♪

♪ Jolly Santa was like getting his kicks ♪

♪ And some old reindeer was like learning new tricks ♪

♪ But one of the elves said "Man, we got to go ♪

♪ We're way behind and it's beginning to snow" ♪

♪ Just in Rudolph with the bloody nose ♪

♪ Come riding Santa with stains and whiskey on his clothes ♪

♪ Mrs. Clause says, "Santa, baby now where you been all night? ♪

♪ You got about 45 minutes before the daylight" ♪

♪ Big man grabbed his boots Santa was on his way ♪

♪ He started flying into JFK ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ And shiny jingle bells was ringing ♪

♪ And all the little children they were singing ♪

♪ Ho ♪

♪ Then Santa pulled in to New York town ♪

♪ That customs agent was weighing him down ♪

♪ Said, "Mr. Clause your passport is 100 years old" ♪

♪ Again off with you Santa knock the man out cold ♪

♪ Went to the city told the CIA ♪

♪ Santa creeped and flea the USA ♪

♪ Made his escape and was riding real cool ♪

♪ But they shot him down over Istanbul ♪

♪ And all the reindeer started running around ♪

♪ And all the toys was broken laying on the ground ♪

♪ Santa ran to the nearest house and he bust down the door ♪

♪ Which is where he passed out upon the floor ♪

♪ Said, ho, ho, ho ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ And shining jingle bells was ringing ♪

♪ And all the little children they were singing ♪

♪ Ho ♪

♪ And Santa woke up on Christmas Day ♪

♪ He ran around and was laughing all the way ♪

♪ Santa Clause like a fat, foolish elf ♪

♪ And realized that he had shot himself ♪

♪ He bought a ticket on the train ♪

♪ And with a little pride that remained ♪

♪ He shouted and he gave such a fright ♪

♪ Merry Christmas and have a good night ♪

♪ And ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ And shining jingle bells was ringing ♪

♪ And all the little children they were still singing ♪

♪ Ho ♪

Oh, my God, oh, oh, my God!

Mary mother of God!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Sweet Jesus!

Holy moly!

Holy mackerel!

Holy Toledo!

Holy shit!

Oh, my God!

Oh, oh, oh, my God!

Oh, amen!

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell better stay out of my way ♪

♪ And if you don't I'll take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ I said, oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell better stay out of my way ♪

♪ And if you don't I take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ I said, oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Strumming through the snow on a street this Christmas Day ♪

♪ What time's the pawn shop close ♪

♪ Pulled up I'm on my way ♪

♪ Got a 40 in my hand throwing shit up in my sack ♪

♪ Hope I don't get caught again or jail I'm going back ♪

♪ I see when you're asleep ♪

♪ I see when you're awake ♪

♪ But if you try and stop me you'll make a big mistake ♪

♪ Down the chimney I will slide ♪

♪ On a cold and snowy night ♪

♪ Taking all your gifts and, bitch, I'm out of sight ♪

♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪

♪ Out of sight ♪

♪ Bitch, I'm out of sight ♪

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell best stay out of my way ♪

♪ And you don't I take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ I said, oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell best stay out of my way ♪

♪ And if you don't I take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ I said, oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Don't work at the mall ♪

♪ These jells can suck my balls ♪

♪ Go ahead and stare I'll, bitch, slap all you all ♪

♪ Your kids ain't getting shit ♪

♪ They're little naughty pricks ♪

♪ And your address is next here on my shopping list ♪

♪ I take my cookies with some weed ♪

♪ Your tobacco is all I need ♪

♪ Get that shit out of my face ♪

♪ Because they don't know how to read ♪

♪ It's freezing cold out here ♪

♪ Can't afford no damn rain gear ♪

♪ But even though I'm broke ♪

♪ Your joke is the favorite time of year ♪

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell best stay out my way ♪

♪ And if you don't I take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ I said, oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Jingle bells what's that smell you best stay out my way ♪

♪ And if you don't I'll take your phone ♪

♪ And punch you in the face, hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells, go to hell it's time for you to pay ♪

♪ I said, oh, what fun it is to ride this town this holiday ♪

♪ Worst Christmas ever ♪

♪ God, I'm taking all your shit ♪

♪ What, what, what, what, what ♪

Oh, shit!

You shot me in the dick!

My willy!

My wee-wee!

My ding-dong!

My tommy whacker!

My wang, my bologny bony!

My little Trey Trey.