Original subtitles

[Jimmy] Ian!

-Ian!

-[door closes]

Is that you playing silly

bollocks downstairs?

Ian!

[gun clicking]

[Kim] Hello, Jimmy.

Remember me?

Um...

You killed my dad.

Yeah, you might need to narrow

it down a bit.

Okay, how's this?

His name...

[hammer clicks]

was Bill Noakes.

Was he, like, this

little fella--

Oh, for God's sake!

Don't shout at me, I'm trying

to remember, I'm getting old!

[sighs]

Do you have, like, a picture

of him, or something?

Not on me, no!

I wasn't exactly planning

on doing this tonight.

[sighs]

I've got one in the car.

-Do you wanna go and get it?

-No! Come on, think.

Bill Noakes?

You know, the thing is...

it might be easier for you

to exact your revenge

if you weren't standing...

on a trapdoor!

-[gasping]

-Idiot!

Who's got a trapdoor in their

house, anyway, you plank?

d

I do.

[music playing faintly

on car stereo]

Where the fuck is she, man?

Un-fucking-believable.

[beeping]

[exhales]

She's only little.

Wotcher.

Now, if I was you,

I would mind my step, treacle.

Thanks, honey.

Why don't you mind yours?

That makes no sense

at all, does it?

I mean, I'm the one walking

forwards, you're the one

walking backwards.

Why would I need

to mind my step?

So no one's ever fallen

walking forwards then,

have they?

Kind of unlikely in this

kind of situation.

Okay, yeah, so it's

highly unlikely,

but I'm saying, stranger

things have happened.

-You watch your step.

-You watch your step!

God, you're annoying.

You're annoying. Now, back off.

Look, I don't want

blood everywhere.

I've just spent a shitload

on decorating.

-[Kim] It's nice.

-Thank you.

So what do you say

that you and I...

have ourselves a little tumble?

No guns. No knives. Eh?

To the death, though, right?

Yes, to the fucking death!

Jesus.

I thought it might

get a bit grim,

that's all.

You know, hand to hand.

Then maybe that's why

they call me...

the Grim Reaper.

Or maybe you're about to reap

what you sow.

Oh, that's a really nice

exchange that,

I like that.

-Yeah, it just felt organic.

-It did, didn't it?

Ah...

[guns clicking]

Well, go on then.

Put your gun down.

You put your gun down.

[softly] You put your gun down.

All right, we'll put them

down together. Nice...

Nice and slow.

[grunting]

[spits]

So Beth looks up,

fixes me square in the eye

and says,

"Jay, you have got the most

gorgeous balls."

Ugh. Fuck off.

She did, bro, I swear.

No bloke's got gorgeous balls.

Okay, mine are disgusting.

I'm just gonna put that

out there.

I have repulsive balls.

Of course you do.

All balls are disgusting.

They're the kind of balls only

a mother could find gorgeous.

[Jay] I agree with you!

Mine are horrible.

[yelps]

[glass shatters]

d f

[grunting]

[glass breaking]

[both grunting]

[choking]

[groans]

[Jimmy moaning]

Fucking hell!

[Jay] I bet even David Beckham

hasn't got gorgeous balls,

and his balls are golden.

Oh, yeah. No one's doubting

the golden hue of

a Beckham bollock,

but that's where the aesthetic

beauty of them comes

to a swift end,

do you know what I mean?

-She said it though, man.

-Well, she's lying.

Ha, no! Beth never lies.

She's like a priest

or the League table.

-She's like Shakira's hips.

-Exactly.

That's how I knew we were

going to spend the rest

of our lives together.

What?

I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

[chuckles]

[panting]

[Jimmy yelling]

[Kim coughing]

[Jimmy] Ah!

[both grunting]

[choking]

-[grunting]

-[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

[Jimmy moaning]

f

You think it's a bad idea,

don't you?

I guess the only thing is,

it's been six months.

Yeah, but it's like Dad

used to say.

When you know, you know.

Yeah, but you think you know

things but you don't.

That's kind of, like,

your thing.

Yeah, but I'm not saying

I think I know,

I'm saying I know I know.

And when you know you know

something, you just know it,

innit?

No, because the second piece

of knowledge relies on

the first one being

factually accurate,

which I'm saying it might

not be...

Mate, just because you've

been dumped

it doesn't mean the rest of us

have to be fucking

miserable, does it?

f

-Kim's been a long time.

-Yeah. Well...

I hate to break it to you,

kid, but...

she's thinks it's the end

of the world

and she's run off to some

rich geezer's house

in the middle of the night.

What do you think's happening?

She's blatantly in there

right now just...

throwing some guy

around the bed

like it's his last night alive.

-[Kim grunts]

-[Jimmy moaning]

You killed my dad.

You've made your bed,

now you're going to die in it.

Please do not tell me

you dragged me all the way

up the stairs

just to say that.

Yes.

-It's fucking terrible.

-Shut up!

I am sorry about...

killing Phil.

Bill!

Shit! Fuck! Sorry. I'm sorry.

I mean, it feels like

you're doing this

on purpose now.

I swear to God, I'm not!

I'm not!

f

I watched him bleed to death

on the floor.

Your mistake was leaving me

alive that night.

You shouldn't have done that.

Oh.

Oh, I remember you.

You're Little Miss Penguin,

ain't you?

I always wondered what

happened to you.

Yes, well... now you know.

It was a bit mean

of you, though,

killing that geezer outside.

You know, Ian.

What did he do?

It's a moot point,

though, isn't it?

We're all dead anyway.

Put the news on.

See for yourself.

Oh, it's...

[news reporter] ...in

other news,

the World Biscuit-Eating

Championships

got off to a fantastic

start today...

I don't understand.

I think you'll find

it's the highest amount

of biscuits

consumed within an allocated

time frame.

Why is no one speaking

about it?

-[keypad beeping]

-[rustling]

[grunts]

Fuck.

You stabbed me.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I meant to kill you.

You stabbed me while my back

was turned!

[Jimmy] Mmm.

That is so...

rude!

[chuckles]

[sighs] Come on, then.

Fuck! [exhales]

[Nicky] Kim? Kim?

I'm going out there again.

Don't stab me!

Or shoot me!

I'm serious!

I prom-- I promise.

[Nicky] Kim, where are you?

Up here.

Hey! Kim!

Did you lie to me tonight,

about the end of the world?

Uh, well... I mean,

I wouldn't say...

-It wasn't exactly--

-Nicky!

Did you lie to me?

That is so rude.

I was about to tell you,

but you just ran out of there

so quickly.

But it's okay, right?

I mean, it's not like

anyone's died.

-[Jimmy grunting]

-Kim!

[Jimmy] Fuck!

d

-[Kim groaning]

-Kim!

[Kim grunts]

[straining]

Tell Jo...

Who's Jo?

Tell... Tell Jo...

-[spluttering]

-Tell him what?

Who's Jo?

Is he dead? Check his pulse.

is he dead?

There's some of his brain

on the table.

Well, how much?

You want me to tell you

how much of his brain

is on the table?

Yes, Jay! If it's not

too much trouble,

I would like you, to inform me

how much of his brain--

I think any amount of brain

is too much brain, isn't it?

Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot

you were a fucking

brain surgeon.

When did that happen?

Was it before or after you got

promoted to the supermarket

deli counter?

Whoa, whoa!

That's a bit much, mate.

This getting personal and shit.

I was going to ask you to be

my best man as well.

Why are you still talking

about weddings

when there's two dead people?

It's the fish counter anyway.

Jerk.

Kim! Where have you been?

Are you okay?

What's happening? Who are they?

Why are they attacking you?

Oh, God, you're in shock.

She's in shock.

Um... shall we get some

frozen peas?

Let's get some frozen peas!

Okay, erm...

Jay, google the recovery

position...

We need to leave, bro.

Peas, peas, okay, peas! Great!

Um, these will help.

Just... Okay, just hold

that there...

Okay, I tell you what, just...

That'll just...

Okay!

Um, I'm gonna call the police

right now.

Is there anything you need

to tell me before I do?

Anything at all?

[vomits]

Okay.

-[door opens]

-[bell chimes]

-What can I get you, darling?

-Coffee, please.

What sort?

[sighs] You pick.

She doesn't look so dangerous.

On the end there.

[Mandy] Tell that

to my husband.

Ain't that right, Carl?

She caught me

with a sucker punch, Mandy!

How many times?

If she comes in again,

I'll put her smarmy little head

through the window.

And which window would that be,

my good man?

[Mandy] There you go,

my darling.

All sorted.

f

["I'm a Fire" playing]

♪ I'm a fire ♪

♪ I'm a fire ♪

Okay, this is fucked up, man.

We need to call the police

right now.

Also, bro, seriously,

you look fucking ridiculous.

I know, I know. I just need

to speak to Kim first

and find out what's

really going on.

What's really going on is

we're trapped in a house

with some weirdo who's clearly

out of her mind.

All right. Easy with

the judging.

Have you ever heard of

moral relativism?

Obviously not, no.

She's not out of her mind,

is she? She's just...

out of her context, that's all.

She's not a weirdo.

And she needs our help.

She's probably just as scared

as we are.

I think she's perfectly nice.

Right. We've only got an hour

before we've got company.

We don't want his thugs to know

we've been here, so,

we'll take Ian's body with us,

make it look like

he killed Jimmy

and fled the scene.

He'll be easier to move

in smaller pieces.

-Happy?

-What the--

-The thing is...

-You've got a better plan?

Not necessarily better.

But, um, we were

just thinking,

uh, maybe call the police,

calmly explain what happened...

No, what happened, Nicky,

is 15 years ago, that man

killed my dad in front of me.

I was six years old.

I'm so sorry.

He ruined my life.

And now he's dead.

Yeah, except he threw himself

off the balcony.

You didn't do that, Kim.

And look at this guy.

Oh, my...

Have you seen the guns

upstairs?

I mean, we'll say it was

self-defense.

It was, really.

Of course. You're right.

You should call the police.

Tell them exactly

what happened.

All I ask is that you give me

one hour to disappear.

Can you do that for me?

Disappear, like, for good?

Just tell them I knocked you

unconscious.

d

Okay, then. Sure.

But--

[Kim] But I'm still mad at you.

And this is just for my list,

because I don't know when

I'll get another chance.

Have a nice life.

-[sputtering]

-[Jay screaming]

Fuck my life!

[groaning]

I'll get the frozen peas.

He's lost a lot of blood.

We need to get him

to the hospital

-or he's going to die.

-[Jay] Kim.

So, I'm not being funny, but...

am I the only one

that's thinking...

you know?

Let nature take its course

and all that?

Jay!

He's a fucking Nazi gangster.

He'd do the same to us.

[Ian] I'm not, actually.

I got that tattoo when

I was 16.

Confused, insecure,

trying to fit in with

a crowd. [scoffs]

But it's a young man's game,

isn't it?

-Being a Nazi?

-Yeah.

You get older and you realize

that everyone's just trying

to muddle along.

It's the cruel world

that's the problem,

not the people in it.

I've made mistakes in my life,

but I'm happy with the person

that I've become.

I can say that with my hand

on my heart.

God, he's a sweetheart!

If we help this guy,

we're all going

to prison for this.

You know that, don't you?

If it comes to it,

I take the blame.

I promise you that.

But saving Ian is the right

thing to do.

[sighs]

Okay. You call the hospital

and let them know

that we're coming.

I'll dash to the car quickly

and get it all set up for Ian.

Sure, Kim. Car. Dash. Ian!

Kim Kardashian!

Okay, we're in a rush,

so don't worry,

but remind me to explain

that to you later

because that's probably the

best thing I've said

in, like, ever.

Sorry. What do you mean,

"later"?

Oh... I just thought because

of the whole, you know...

I told you, that kiss

was for my list.

Just like everything else

was supposed to be.

I was so excited.

But then you lied to me,

didn't you?

And now it's all ruined.

I just think a bit of moral

relativism would--

I'm glad we met.

I really am.

But when you lie to someone,

you squeeze the toothpaste

out of the tube.

And you can't put it

back in again.

Now hang on, son.

Just wait.

In that room through there,

there's 500 grand in cash

hidden in the fireplace.

There's plenty more where

that came from.

Just... don't kill me, please.

This was to make you more

comfortable, Ian!

Oh, I thought you were gonna

smother me to death.

-No!

-Oh!

Thank you.

No, you're not having it now.

Where you going?

Where do you think?

I was only joking about

the money...

[winces]

Shittetty-shit.

Hello, darling.

[Kim grunting]

I don't understand why you need

to brush your teeth now

anyway, kid.

We're kind of in the middle

of some serious shit.

What? No, Jay, it's a metaphor.

It means you can't undo

something once

you've done it.

It's like, you can't tell a lie

and then...

[Ian] Oi! You two!

Come and look at this! Quick!

[Nicky] Whoa, whoa, whoa,

what you doing?

Put it back, man!

Fuck off.

We just need to get Ian

to the hospital

and our story straight to

the police. That's it.

Okay. And what if we go

to the police and Kim

blames it on us?

She's not going to do that,

is she?

-[Ian] Guys!

-How do you know?

Because honesty is,

like, her thing.

Bro, you don't even know her!

-I know her well enough.

All right?

-[Ian] Guys!

[both] Yes, Ian?

Jeez!

Right little moaner, isn't he?

What do you want, man?

Isn't she supposed to be taking

me to the hospital?

Kim!

["Baby, Please Don't Go"

by Paul Revere

& The Raiders playing]

♪ Baby, please don't go

Down to New Orleans ♪

♪ You know I love you so

Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ All right! ♪

♪ Gonna be a dog ♪

♪ I'm gonna be a dog ♪

♪ I'm gonna be a dog ♪

♪ To getcha way down here ♪

♪ I'll make you walk the log

Baby, please don't go ♪

♪ All right! ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0