Original subtitles

(rat squeaking)

- Pop him in the maze, Peter.

Now, watch closely, Peter.

Test subject 1597.

Processing the commands it received

through the miniaturized processing information robot

we inserted in its eye.

- PETER: That's a long name for something so small.

Aren't the Japanese calling them nanobots?

- Silence. - (rat squeaks)

Although the rat's instinctively drawn down the path

with the hot dog at the end,

our nanobot will override his own thoughts

and make him go exactly where we want.

- You did it! - Yes! It works.

Now tune the radio and switch to the AM frequency.

(static crackles)

And now the words to begin the transference.

Et sic animus--

Excuse me, Dr. Connolly.

I thought perhaps I might try it.

- If you think you're ready.

Then begin the incantation.

- That's it. - (electricity surging)

Now gently increase the power

to activate the nanobot.

- Et sic animus...

(continues speaking Latin)

...machinem habitat.

(machine powering up)

(explosion)

- Quickly, lad, turn up the volume.

Rock between the frequencies.

We must draw its soul into the machine.

- (static surges) - (rat squeaking)

- There he is. - Yes.

He successfully transferred.

You'll go far, Peter Toynbee.

♪♪ (theme)

MAN (on speaker): Chapter Three:...

"The Continuity of Songs."

After this mortal life,

to wither doth our spirits pass.

I believe our souls continue bravely into eternity.

wandering the cosmos like the first pioneers,

until extraordinary events transfer those souls

back into this world or onwards to the next.

Sometimes we may catch a glimpse of these souls in transit.

- Emily?

- (bell dings) - What can cause this?

A total solar eclipse,

although rare, is assumed by some,

- myself included-- - A hundred new subscribers.

(chuckles) I don't believe it.

- Believe what?

- (slurps) - Oh, it's--

It's nothing, it's nothing.

- No, I know what it is.

It's that video of me, isn't it,

with the rabbit's ears and the arse.

Oh, so humiliating.

Gus, you've got to delete it.

I look like such a prannet.

- But the problem I'm having is

it's driving quite a lot of footfalls to the show.

- Oh, I see, so come for the old twat rabbit

and stay for the ghouls and goblins, is that it?

I will delete it, okay?

Here we go.

Yep! Deletion completed.

Ah, there, we-- Done!

- Well, you did that with your mouth.

- Are you sure that's deleted? - Yep, it's done, Dad.

- Well, where are you going? - CovCo CosCon.

- What, what, what, what?

- Coventry Collectors and Cosplay Convention.

- And who's taking me to the bookies?

- (sighs)

- MAN: Keep pushing. - WOMAN: Ow!

- Watch your knees, watch your knees, you see?

- Push from the bottom. - Yeah.

- There you go. Right. There you--

-Be careful.

I'm not gonna win best cosplay if it gets smashed.

- (nervous chuckle)

Hey, I didn't ask. Um...

- How-- How you feeling? - (chuckles) Yeah, I'm fine.

- Yeah. - I'm fine. Don't I seem fine?

- No, no, no, you seem fine, yeah.

It's just-- You're sure you're fine, though?

- Just, um, wondering where to go next.

Can't stay here forever, can I?

-Hmm. I'm actually starting to think Helen likes you.

- (both chuckle) - All right, come up.

- Elton. - Huh?

- If that girl damages my creation,

I will cancel her.

- (door closes) - (nervous chuckle)

- MAN (on speaker): Chapter Four...

"Ours Is Not the Only Universe."

There are realms beyond it,

- underneath it, above it. - What's all this guff?

- It's Dr. Peter Toynbee, We're going to see him talk later on.

- Oh, well, after you listen to all this prattle,

maybe you could drop me at my bookie.

- Wait, Dad--

TOYNBEE: In this Chapter--

- (phone rings) - Excuse me.

Ah, hello.

- Listen, we're just heading over,

but Helen's got this thing about germs,

and she kind of wanted to know if--

- Is your van clean?

- Yes. Yeah, I mean, it's as clean as it's gonna get.

It's a bloody working van, you know?

- Hey! Hell's Bells Tells, right?

- I've watched all your programs. - Well, hang on.

Oh, you're Old Man Rabbit Filter Fail.

- Yeah. - Uh, Helen, this is Richard, my dad.

Richard, Helen.

- It's lovely to meet a-- a fellow Internet star.

- Some of the things you say,

you really understand what it's like

to be totally alone all of the time.

- Unbelievable. I'm sitting right here.

Being alone is shit.

Oh, are you going to CovCo CosCon?

- No, he's leaving me alone again.

- I did invite you. - Did you, though?

- We could do an interview,

talk about some videos we could film,

set you up with an Instagram account.

- Let me just stop you there.

I don't think I need an Instagram account right now.

I think I just want to concentrate on my YouTube channel.

- Oh, I was talking to Richard.

- Oh, this is all very exciting.

Glad to see that someone's taking an interest in me.

- You said I was exploiting you.

- Seems to me that someone is a little bit jealous

of someone else's appeal on the Internet,

- Right, Helen? - Yeah.

- It's B camera.

- Is this it? - Yeah.

- Are we ready, then? Helen?

- Um, Helen's gonna stay here for a bit.

- (chuckles) In the van?

- She just-- She just needs a bit of time.

- Well, that's all right. I can stay with her.

I'm not really arsed about listening to some posh prick

talk about dementia.

- It's dimensions, Dad.

- Hmm? What?

- I sort of want to be alone.

Just for a little bit.

- Yeah, I understand.

All right, Gus, take me to your leader.

- Aye.

- Thank you. Um, Elton?

Make sure you get loads of shots of

the crowds, stores, costumes, and--

- I got it. I know the drill.

- Okay.

- Sure you don't need a hand?

- Odd. Um, I just need to get some things ready,

uh, for my costume.

Um, thank you. though.

- Okay.

- Come on.

- Is she okay? - Yeah, we've been coming here for five years.

She hasn't made it inside once.

(crowd clamoring)

- WOMAN (on speaker): Welcome to CovCo CosCon.

Will all cosplayers...

- ASTRID: So, what are we gonna do first?

- ELTON: So we just need to get some general footage for Helen.

And then we could--

- They're coming! They're coming!

Help! Help!

- For fuck's sake.

- Kevin McCarthy cameoing

in Philip Kaufman's 1978 remake

of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

- Spot on. Most people don't get it.

- He's an actor.

-Yeah, yeah, I knew that.

- Have you guys ever had an immersive horror experience?

- Yeah. - Yes.

- Well, if you fancy it, there's more inside.

You have to find it, though. Makes it a bit more fun.

If it gets too scary, the safe word is "fire."

- That's the safe word for it? Fire?

You don't think that might just cause further panic?

- Do you think so?

- Never mind. It'll be okay.

- Excuse me. - Come on.

- Wait.

Why do we need the safe word?

- How long is this boring bastard

gonna be waffling on about space?

'Cause I don't wanna miss Hell's Bells Tells

doing a fancy dress.

- It's an hour. It's really important to me. Please.

- I mean, look at him then...

- Dr. Peter Toynbee. - No.

Well, he looks like a right boring bastard, don't he?

Does he do magic?

- I mean, yes and no, depending on who you are.

- Mm-hmm. - He's a fascinating man.

Emily wrote a paper about him.

- She did? - Yes, she did.

Now, that is saying "sold out."

I'm fine. I'm gonna see if I can get another ticket.

- No, no, no, don't worry. - Come on.

- No, you're gonna miss it.

No. You're outta your...

- We'll be starting very shortly.

- Yeah, I'm just waiting.

- Come along now, you don't want to miss the beginning, do you?

- Well-- - Straight through those doors.

- Oh, anywhere? - Yeah.

- Here we go. - My sister would love this.

- Is Helen gonna be okay?

- Uh, she just needs a bit of time.

- Trust me, this is an improvement.

The first year, we barely made it out of the driveway

before she started crying and punched me in the throat.

- Do you mind if I ask what's wrong with her?

- Something traumatic happened when we were kids,

and she's been a bit troubled since.

(crowd clamoring)

- ASTRID: What do you mean, traumatic?

ELTON: It's a long story. I can't get into it.

But it just left her with a lot of issues.

I just wanna do everything I can for her, you know?

- You're a good brother.

(cheering, applause)

So we've got time for a bit of immersive horror theater then.

- ELTON: Nah, nah.

- ASTRID: Come on. It can't be worse

than an actual huanted hospital, can it?

- ELTON: No.

- ASTRID: Coming through.

- ELTON: Excuse me, scary people.

- Dad?

- Hello - Hi.

You haven't seen my dad, have you?

I gave him my ticket, and I think

he's either wandered off or drifted in.

- Do you have a ticket? - Well, I do have a ticket.

I've given him my ticket, and he's wandered off.

- You need a ticket. - Yes. No, I have a ticket.

I think there was a mix-up.

(pounding on door)

Oh, I can't fucking believe this.

Sorry.

Oh, okay then.

(crowd murmuring)

Here he comes.

Greatest genius to ever walk the earth.

(cheering and applause)

For fuck's sake.

Thank you. You're too kind.

(applause continues)

Welcome, old wanderers of the cosmos.

What did he say? "Bolton wanderers?"

- Shh.

- Thank you for coming.

I appreciate that this is perhaps

not the normal milieu

in which you're used to hearing me speak,

the bowels of the Cosplay Convention in Coventry.

But I consider your attendance here

to be a test of your commitment.

The path we have chosen is far from expected.

Congratulations.

You have successfully passed through the first gate.

Let's see what awaits us.

(applause)

- (line ringing) - Answer the bloody phone.

What is the point of having a mobile

if you're not gonna answer it?

803. Yes.

Ha! Oh, sorry.

Forgive me. Been a bit of a mix-up with my ticket.

I gave it to my father and he's gone inside.

- Piss off.

- All right.

- The basement. This is classic.

But if something jumps out, I'm literally gonna pee myself.

- Ugh, don't do that.

Shouldn't there be more people here?

- Ah, they probably do, like, multiple performances.

This is so cool. It's like our own private horror show.

- Haven't we had enough private horror shows lately?

- What do you mean?

- I mean, is it actually fun? - Yes.

It's, like, scary but safe.

Makes you feel alive.

- I just-- - Shh, shh.

Listen.

- (chanting in distance)

- MAN: And Eternis is waiting for you...

an Eden where you can be free to live forever

in harmony with your fellow traveler.

- Looks like Bowlings to me.

A lot of bollocks.

- Quite something.

What if I told you that place is a reality?

Free from tyranny, an eternal Eden

where the corrupt forces that control us

can never intrude.

Would you ask me to show you the way?

(cheering and applause)

- I'll show you the way, all right.

- (clears throat)

- You are the chosen ones.

My loyal followers,

My flock,

let's celebrate.

- What's he doing?

♪♪

- (speaking Latin)

- ASTRID: This must be where the immersive horror show is.

You okay?

- ELTON: No.

Feeling very immersed right now.

- Yeah, me too. It's great, isn't it?

Feel my heart beating.

Huh. Skull and crossbones. That's a dead give away.

- Don't look back. It's bad luck in the movies.

- Oh, yeah, classic im-drama.

- (chanting in distance)

- Isn't it beautiful?

- Yes. Beautiful.

- So beautiful.

- Look at it. - (vocalizing on screen)

- Look at it!

♪♪

♪♪ (stops)

Shall we begin?

(chanting in Latin)

- The recruitment process is almost complete.

Let us bask in the glory of the page.

Chapter 15, verse 97.

Our passage to salvation.

- Hey! That looks like a page from Janey Feathers' magic book.

(chanting in Latin)

- Yeah, um, you should be careful with that.

It's quite a fire hazard.

- What are you doing here?

- Well, well, well.

We're onto you. We know all about your evil plans.

- What are you doing? - Content.

So, um, what do we win?

- A slow and painful death.

- Oh, great. So nothing then.

- We're not afraid of you. - Well, perhaps you should be.

- Take a photo.

(camera beeping)

- Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

- What? - We need to stop. Stop!

My sister may or not be about to enter the cosplay contest.

- The time for play is over.

- ELTON: Oh, grow up.

Fine. Fire!

(crowd clamoring)

- Wow, cool effect!

(clamoring continues)

- Rejoice.

Soon we shall all come together

on the day of our glorious deaths.

You will know the place

as the sun and the moon eclipse

and we cross into Eternis.

And awake.

- (applause) - Hmm?

- Bloody hell.

(groans)

(muttering)

- Hi. - Jesus! Helen!

What you doing in here?

The fancy dress is about to begin.

- Don't patronize me and my kind.

Fancy dress is for kids. This is cosplay.

- Oh, all right. You want a hand in?

- No, no. No, I can't.

- Aye.

You got a bit of stage fright.

- Yeah. Something like that.

I've made the best cosplay for the last five years

and never made it further than here.

I'm no good with all those people.

- I'd never had known that looking at you.

Well, there's quite a bit of your content online.

You just come across as just a very...

confident, lovely, bubbly lady, you know?

And you do that in front of hundreds of your subscribers.

- Actually it's 3,130.

- Really? Oh, my God.

- I'd give my right arm for those numbers.

- Dream on. Your shit is old.

(chuckles)

- I just think it's a shame, you know,

because it's-- it's bloody brilliant.

I think it's better than the actual Daleks.

Certainly up until, you know,

Pertwee's manifestation as the Doctor.

- You're a Whovian?

- I used to be.

Tom Baker was my guy.

Then I just kind of grew out of it, you know?

All right. It all changed for me.

Can I give you a word of advice?

Sometimes don't listen to this,

and start listening to this.

even if it's just for five minutes.

MAN: Ladies and gentlemen, here we go.

- In third place, make some noise

for Megatroll!

(cheering and applause)

Well done! What a cute white supremacist.

Now, in second place,

please put your hands together for...

Prince 2099!

(cheering and applause)

- You must be so proud of her.

- I actually can't believe it.

- Hey! Where were you?

I thought you were up for the immersive horror.

- We were there. - Didn't see you.

- The Boba Fett is amazing.

- Yeah. - Oh. So cheers.

- The winner, first prize

in this year's CovCo CosCon cosplay competition,

it's...

Helen Johnston!

(cheering and applause)

- Yes!

- Helen, where are you going?

Helen!

Helen, it's fine. You did it.

- I'm so proud of you. - (door opens)

- I won!

- Huh? - Can somebody please remove this helmet?

- I cannot breathe. - (chuckling)

- Oh, my God. It's so hot in here.

- You're all sweaty.

- So our agreement still stands? - Oh, yeah.

I'll make your shitty YouTube channel less shit.

- RICHARD: Can we go home now?

That Toynbee idiot bored the shit out of me.

What have you come as?

- Helen won as a Dalek.

- You're an idiot.

(door closes)

- What was he like?

- Hmm?

- Dr. Peter Toynbee!

- Oh... - But you just sat through

an exclusive chat by one of the world's

most controversial thinkers.

- It was totally boring. I nodded off.

- You nodded off? - Oh! Ah! Wait a minute.

- The-- - Yeah?

- I remember... there was a slideshow.

- Take your glasses off.

- Dim the light too.

Pop some spaghetti on.

Yeah.

TOYNBEE: Isn't it beautiful?

So beautiful.

♪♪