Original subtitles

- [humming]

[gasps]

OOH!

[laughs]

IT'S ME LUCKY DAY!

A FOUR-LEAF CLOVER!

[laughs]

WAIT A MINUTE, I COUNT FIVE.

[whistling sound]

[loud boom]

- OH, MAN.

COME ON, MAN.

- NOPE. NO WAY.

- WE OT A LITTLE MIDDAY VACAY WE NEED TO GO ON, MAN.

- ROY, IT'S CALLED WORK. - COME ON, MAN.

IT'LL BE FUN. - NO WAY.

WHO'S GONNA ANSWER THE PHONES?

- YOU AIN'T GONNA HAVE TO ANSWER SHIT.

YOUR DISTANT COUSIN HERE'LL BE

ANSWERIN' THE PHONES AUTOMATICALLY.

AND THIS SIGN RIGHT HERE,

IT'LL LET ANYONE WHO HAPPENS TO GIVE A SHIT

ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE

KNOW THAT WE'RE GONNA BE BACK IN FIVE.

- IF IT'S JUST FIVE MINUTES. - EXACTLY, MAN.

WHO KNOWS WHEN THE FIVE MINUTES ACTUALLY STARTS?

GET DRUNK ALL DAY AND GET PAID FOR IT.

I'M A [bleep] GENIUS.

- UGH, FINE.

- YEAH, THERE YOU GO, PLAYER!

WHOO! SACKIN' UP.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, BEN.

LET'S DO THIS!

[gunshot]

[dog barks]

[heavy rock music]

- IT'S NOT PERSONAL.

- YES.

- EIGHT FOR YOU, DANA,

NINE FOR ME,

AND HOW MANY WAS THAT FOR YOU, MATT?

- ONE.

- ANOTHER HOLE IN ONE FOR MATT. - HOLD ON.

YOU GUYS SMELL SOMETHIN' HORRIBLE?

- I DON'T SMELL ANYTHING.

- OH, THAT SMELLS DISGUSTING.

- OH, IT'S LIKE A MILK FART OR SOMETHING.

- I SMELL THE HONEYSUCKLE OVER THERE,

BUT I DON'T THINK--

- IT'S LIKE A RANCID T-BONE STEAK

THAT WAS EATEN BY A TEAMSTER

AND THEN DIARRHEA POOPED ONTO A--

- GUYS, LOOK!

all: GARY.

- I KNEW I SMELLED SOMETHING.

- WHAT IN THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?

- BROUGHT HIS KID WITH HIM TO PLAY MINI GOLF?

WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

- OH, WE'VE GOT TO GET REVENGE.

- OH! OH!

I'VE GOT THE PERFECT THING!

- NICE PUTT, DONNIE.

YOU KEEP PRACTICING

AND YOU COULD BE A REAL DUFFY WALDORF.

ALL RIGHT, NOW LET YOUR OLD MAN

SHOW YOU HOW THOSE MOVES ARE DONE.

SEE IF YOU LOCK YOUR SHOULDERS AND MAKE YOURSELF--

- PSST! HEY!

HEY, KID, YOU WANT SOME CANDY?

I GOT SOME SWEET, SWEET CANDY

OVER HERE IN THESE HONEYSUCKLE BUSHES.

- YOU WANT TO SQUAT AND BEND YOUR ELBOWS.

DONNIE? DONNIE?

DONNIE!

HELP, HELP!

MY SON! MY SON IS GONE!

HELP ME!

- DOOPY-DOO.

WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM, SIR?

- MY SON.

I JUST TURNED AROUND FOR TWO SECONDS, AND HE WAS GONE.

- WELL, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE VERY GOOD PARENTING TO ME, SURE.

- HE'S PROBABLY IN TERRIBLE DANGER.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GONNA VIEW YOU AS A DUMB JERK.

- I WAS GONNA SAY A REAL ASSHOLE.

- OH, NO.

DONNIE.

- OH, YES!

DONNIE, YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

LOOK AT ALL THESE TICKETS!

all: DONNIE! DONNIE! DONNIE!

- POOR LITTLE GUY'S PROBABLY SCARED AND ALONE RIGHT NOW,

WISHIN' HE HAD STAYED WITH HIS MOM TODAY.

- [crying]

MY SWEET BABY BOY.

- CAN YOU DESCRIBE YOUR SON, SIR?

IS HE AS UGLY IN THE FACE AS YOU ARE?

- WHAT?

- DOES HE HAVE THE SAME HOOK NOSE, SLOPING SHOULDERS?

- BEADY EYES AND GNARLED TEETH.

- DO YOU THINK YOUR SON MIGHT'VE RUN AWAY

BECAUSE HE WAS ASHAMED OF HIS FATHER'S WEAK-ASS CHIN?

- NO!

THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

- THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!

- WE'RE DOING IT!

WE'RE REALLY DOING IT!

- YES, I DID IT.

MY SON RAN AWAY FROM ME BECAUSE I'M A TERRIBLE FATHER.

- I'LL BE SURE AND PUT THAT ALL DOWN IN THE REPORT.

- DON'T FORGET TO MENTION HOW DISGUSTING AND UGLY

THIS GUY'S FACE IS.

- AND HIS CLOTHES LOOK STUPID TOO.

- THAT SHOULD DEFINITELY BE IN THE REPORT.

- DONNIE!

NO!

[farts]

- WELL, WELL, WELL!

IF IT ISN'T THE MILK FART BANDIT!

- WHAT?

- [laughs]

IT'S US, YOU IDIOT.

- DANA? ANDY?

- DAD, LOOK AT ALL THESE TICKETS WE WON!

- DONNIE, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE SAFE!

- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

- WHY WOULD YOU GUYS DO THIS TO ME?

- JUST YOUR CLASSIC MINI GOLF

"SON RUNS AWAY, COPS CALL YOU UGLY

TILL YOU MILK FART YOUR PANTS" REVENGE PRANK.

- YEAH, SUCK IT, GARY!

WHOO!

- [panting]

- WHOO!

- WOW, THEY REALLY PWANKED HIM HARD THIS TIME.

- I THOUGHT FOR SURE THAT KID RAN AWAY.

- I'D RUN AWAY IF MY DAD WERE THAT UGLY.

- ¶ SUCK IT, GARY

[phone ringing]

- ¶ YOU GOT TO WAIT FOR THE BEEP, TRIPTANK ¶

¶ GOT TO WAIT FOR THE BEEP

DOOP!

- HI, I WANT TO ORDER, LIKE, AN ICE BLENDED

AND CINNAMON ROLL THINGS,

BUT LIKE THE REDUCED-FAT ONES 'CAUSE I'M ON A TOTAL DIET.

I ATE, LIKE, 14 SKITTLES YESTERDAY.

SUCH A FREAKIN' HEIFER.

HOW MUCH IS--

[loud crash]

OKAY, SO DO YOU DELIVER OR WHAT?

- WEAR MORE GOLD.

ALWAYS TIP THE DOORMAN.

- [grunting]

- ATTEND DOG SHOWS.

SUPPORT THE ARTS.

KEEP A PROPER WINE COLLECTION.

GET A BROKER YOU CAN TRUST.

DRESS LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.

- HEY.

- GET A NOSE JOB.

COLLECT CARS.

- OWN A BOAT.

WEAR FANCY FURS.

FLY TO JAMAICA ON YOUR LUNCH BREAK.

GET A PROFESSIONAL MASSAGE...

- HEY, HEY, HEY!

- AND A PERSONAL DRIVER.

AND MAKE SURE THEY COMP YOU A ROOM.

- ¶ YOU GOT TO WAIT FOR THE BEEP, TRIPTANK ¶

DOOP!

- HI, THIS IS CHRISTINE LAKIN.

I AM MAKING A BIG COMEBACK TO SHOW BUSINESS.

[chuckles]

I WAS ON A BIG SHOW.

IT WAS A--YOU KNOW,

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW BIG THAT SHOW WAS?

IT WAS THE '90S FOR GOD'S SAKE!

IT WAS [bleep] T.G.I.F.!

YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES PEOPLE ASK ME IF I'M ON FAMILY MATTERS?

THAT WAS THE BLACK SHOW!

I'M NOT BLACK!

I WISH I WAS BLACK.

OH, [bleep].

I GOT TO GO DO SOME DRUGS.

- OH, SHIT.

DAVE, YOU HAVE TO GET THIS.

I OWE LARRY DAVID MONEY,

AND I CAN'T LET HIM SEE ME BUYING LUNCH.

- HOW MUCH DO YOU OWE HIM?

- $13,000.

- [laughs]

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU JUST BLOW HIM?

- YOU SEXIST JACKASS.

I'D NEVER SUGGEST YOU PAY SOMEONE BACK BY BLOWING 'EM.

- I'D BLOW MY LANDLORD FOR RENT.

HELL, I'D GIVE HIM A REACH-AROUND FOR CABLE.

- WHAT? LAURA!

HEY.

DO YOU--YOU'RE HERE.

YOU'RE IN--YOU'RE IN A RESTAURANT?

LOOK AT THIS.

YOU'RE OUT HERE. YOU'RE HAVING LUNCH.

BOY, THINGS MUST BE PRETTY GOOD.

- OH, I WASH DISHES HERE.

I'M ON MY BREAK.

- OKAY.

HEY, I'M HAVIN' LUNCH WITH LARRY FLINT.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

WHAT--WHAT'S THE PROTOCOL HERE?

DO I LET HIM ROLL ALL THE WAY TO ME?

OR DO I MEET HIM HALFWAY?

WHAT'S THE DEAL?

- WELL, YOU'RE BOTH GONNA END UP HERE.

- SHOULD I TELL HIM YOU NEED A LITTLE WORK?

- NO, I'LL FIND SOMETHING.

- FIRST OF ALL, DON'T TAKE JOBS YOU DON'T WANT FOR MY SAKE.

- OKAY.

- IT'S LIKE IF SOMEBODY OWES YOU SOMETHING,

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT THE ETIQUETTE IS.

DO YOU MENTION IT?

DO YOU--DO YOU NOT MENTION IT? - MM-HMM.

- IS THERE AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM?

YOU KNOW, ELEPHANT POINTING.

SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD, AND SOMETIMES IT'S NOT GOOD.

- RIGHT, SO--

- YOU DON'T THINK I KNOW

THAT YOU KNOW THAT YOU OWE ME MONEY?

OF COURSE I KNOW YOU OWE ME MONEY.

OF COURSE I KNOW YOU KNOW.

FOR THE SAKE OF THE FRIENDSHIP,

I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO SAY, "FORGET ABOUT IT.

YOU DON'T OWE ME A NICKEL."

-OH, OKAY, FINE THEN.

- I'M ALMOST TEMPTED TO DO THAT.

EH, THAT--THAT SEEMS TOO MUCH OF A GESTURE.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE A JEW,

BUT HE TAKES IT TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

HE'S LIKE THE GIFT SHOP AT THE HOLOCAUST MUSEUM.

- [scoffs]

- ON BEHALF OF THE FBI,

I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL OF YOU ABDUCTEES

FOR BEING HERE AND PARTICIPATING IN THIS STUDY.

WE ARE HOPING THAT YOUR COMBINED EXPERIENCES

CAN CLEAR UP SOME OF THE MYSTERIES

BEHIND THESE DISTURBING ANAL PROBE ABDUCTIONS.

WE WANT TO KNOW WHY.

WHY?

[echoing] WHY?

- I'M GONNA BE RICH.

OH, THIS IS THE GRAVY TRAIN, MAN.

I'M GONNA HAVE SO MUCH MONEY, MAN.

I'M GONNA DO A BUTTER CARVING OF MOUNT RUSHMORE

IN MY BACKYARD.

WHAT THE [bleep] IS THAT?

[screams]

- HERE'S THE NEW TRACKING DEVICE.

- WHERE ARE WE PUTTING IT?

- THREE GUESSES, AND WHO'S "WE"?

- [sighs]

THIS IS WHY I MAKE THE BIG BUCKS.

- OH!

- WHAT THE--THIS--

THERE'S SOMETHIN' IN HERE ALREADY.

- [groans] - AH!

- OH.

- SOME SORT OF BAG.

- HMM.

IT APPEARS TO BE A ZIPLOC POLYMER.

[slurping]

JACKPOT!

- THIS SHIT'S GOOD.

[laughs]

- OH, SUCH SMOOTH SKIN.

- YOU THINK SPACE JUST STOPS SOMEWHERE?

- WHOA!

- [purrs]

SHH, DADDY'S HERE.

- THAT WAS AWESOME!

- WE NEED MORE.

- KEEP LOOKING!

TELL ME IT WAS NOT JUST A STATISTICAL ANOMALY!

MOTHER[bleep]!

- WE WANT TO KNOW WHY.

WHAT COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE LOOKING FOR

THAT COULD JUSTIFY THE PAIN AND HUMILIATION.

- I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THE MONEY, HONESTLY.

- WHY CAN'T SHE PAY WITH AN OLD-FASHIONED BLOWJOB?

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, FLYNT?

YOU'RE A SICK MAN.

SHE'S A FRIEND OF MINE.

- NOT TO MENTION,

I COULDN'T POSSIBLY GIVE ONE WORTH $13,000.

- MM, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE KIND OF A COSTCO BLOWJOB.

- SHE AIN'T GONNA GIVE ME A BLOWJOB TO PAY OFF THE MONEY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, YOU THINK WOMEN LIKE GIVING BLOWJOBS?

- YEAH.

- YEAH, IT WOULD HAVE TO BE SPECIAL.

I'D--WELL, IT'D HAVE TO BE IN AN ELEVATOR.

- WOW, THAT IS SPECIAL.

- I DON'T WANT TO HAVE THAT-- THAT BLOWJOB ONUS ON ME.

YOU KNOW, IT SHOULD REALLY BE ONLY DONE WITH STRANGERS,

PEOPLE WHO YOU WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN

SO THERE'S NO OBLIGATION OR NO REMEMBERING OF THE ACT.

PEOPLE SHOULDN'T EVEN TOUCH EACH OTHER.

- AND YOU'D HAVE TO GET, LIKE, FIVE VICTORIA SECRET MODELS

AND, LIKE, SCARLETT JOHANSSON.

THEN CRISS ANGEL WOULD LEVITATE EVERYBODY

SO THEY'RE NOT REALLY BREAKING A LAW

'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT ON THE GROUND.

NOW THAT'S WORTH 13 GRAND, IF YOU ASK ME.

- SHE TAKES OFF HER PANTIES

AND THROWS THEM AGAINST THE CEILING.

IF THEY STICK, YOU KNOW SHE HAD A GOOD TIME.

[laughs]

- WHY AM I EVEN HERE WITH YOU?

YOU'RE DISGUSTING.

- WELL, LAURA, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU

ONCE AGAIN BROKE AND DESPERATE,

LEECHING OFF A FAMOUS PERSON.

- ANYWAY, SO--JUST SO YOU CHECK IN WITH ME ONCE IN A WHILE,

SAY, "HEY, IT'S ME, AND I KNOW I STILL OWE YOU MONEY."

[cell phone ringing]

- OH, MY GOD.

LAURA?

- HEY, LARRY, IT'S ME.

JUST CHECKIN' IN,

AND I KNOW I STILL OWE YOU MONEY.

- YOU OWE ME MONEY. BIG DEAL.

WHEN YOU GET IT, YOU GET IT.

- ¶ YOU GOT TO WAIT FOR THE BEEP, TRIPTANK ¶

DOOP!

- HEY, UM...

I SAW YOUR RECENT ANAL PROBING EPISODE,

AND I WAS JUST WONDERING

IF I COULD PERHAPS ORDER THE MODEL 325.

[gunshot]

[chicken clucking]

[heavy rock music]

- SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO IT.

- YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL WHO'S EVER LOVED ME.

YOU'RE MY EVERYTHING.

[moaning]

- SERIOUSLY, BILLY, JUST JERK IT ALREADY.

- GO AWAY.

I'M TRYING TO BE ALONE WITH MY GIRLFRIEND.

- WHERE ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO GO?

YOU HAVE A RAGING BONER.

- FORGIVE ME.

[moaning]

SPOOGE!

- DUDE, SHE'S NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

SHE'S A FANTASY.

- THEN I WISH DREAMGIRL WERE REAL.

- JIZZAM!

- HI, BILLY.

WANT TO SEE MY CENTERFOLD?

- MM, YOU'RE PERFECT.

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY MOM.

- OH!

- MOM, CHOMP, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY GIRLFRIEND.

- AW, SEE, NOW,

ISN'T THAT JUST THE CUTEST THING THERE?

BILLY'S GOT HIMSELF A LITTLE GIRLFRIEND.

NOW WHAT IS YOUR NAME THERE, SWEETIE?

HOLY MOTHER BONERS!

- BILLY, SHE IS A DELIGHT.

- [giggles] - LET'S GO ON A PICNIC.

- OH!

- BE SAFE, YOU TWO.

- DREAMGIRL, I LOVE YOU.

[yawns]

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER.

- UGH, I DON'T CARE.

- I DON'T GET IT.

- BILLY, WITH SOME WOMEN,

THE MEANER YOU ARE, THE MORE THEY LIKE YOU.

I KNOW IT MAKES NO SENSE.

BUT IT'S GREAT, BECAUSE YELLING

IS JUST A LOUDER WAY OF SHOWING YOUR LOVE.

NOW PARK YOUR BONER OVER THERE, AND LET ME DO THE TALKING.

- WHAT?

I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

- HEY, WHAT'S THAT GROSS THING ON YOUR NECK?

OH, IT'S JUST YOUR FACE.

- [gasps]

OOH.

[groans]

I CAN'T DO THIS.

IF BEING MEAN IS THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL LIKE ME,

THEN MAYBE YOU'RE NOT MY DREAMGIRL AFTER ALL.

[both moaning]

- I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

YES.

- STUPID GENIE.

I WISH SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO DATE GUYS LIKE YOU.

- I WISH YOU WEREN'T SUCH A COCK BLOCK.

[gunshot]

[heavy rock music]

- YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING.

- ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY, SON?

- YEAH, DAD, I'M AWESOME.

I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH MATT.

WHAT? - OKAY, GOOD.

I WAS VERY, VERY WORRIED.

- HEY, DAD, THE GUYS WANTED ME TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING.

- WHAT IS IT, MY SWEET BOY?

- JUST THIS.

- SUCK IT, GARY!

WHOO!

- YEAH! SUCK IT, DAD!

WHOO!

- WOW, THEY TURNED HIS OWN SON AGAINST HIM.

FANTASTIC.

- CLASSIC STOCKHOLM SYNDROME.

- YOU KNOW I ONLY HANG OUT WITH YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED TO MY SISTER, RIGHT?

- YEAH, I KNOW.

¶ SUCK IT GARY

- SHUT YOUR MOUTHS AND LISTEN UP.

WE ARE [bleep].

WE'VE GOT A MAJOR CASE TO SOLVE

WITH LESS THAN TWO MINUTES TO DO IT.

NOW, BEFORE WE JUST HIT THE STREETS

WITHOUT A GODDAMN CLUE, WE NEED A PLAN,

SOME KIND OF PROTOCOL.

WE NEED A--OWEN.

- DAMN STRAIGHT, YOU DO.

SEE WHAT I DID THERE?

[laughs]

[gunshot]

[all gasp]

- LESS THAN TWO MINUTES, PEOPLE.

I AM NOT [bleep] AROUND.

- YOU SHOOT OWEN!

HOW COME?

HE MARRY YOUR DAUGHTER.

HE GIVE YOU THAT MUG.

HE TREAT YOU LIKE HERO.

HOW COME?

- HOW COME? - YEAH.

- HOW COME?

[gunshot]

NO TIME TO--

- WAIT!

AS LONG AS YOU'RE GONNA EXPLAIN IT,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL START WRITING IT DOWN.

- [growls]

- WHAT KIND OF CASE DID YOU SAY IT WAS?

- I DIDN'T.

- YOU GOT YOUR BRIEFCASES, SUITCASES, HEAD CASES--

[gunshot]

- NO!

- ENOUGH!

SIT DOWN.

- SELF-DESTRUCT.

[explosion]

- CAPTAIN A, IT'S A DISASTER!

- YES, FINALLY.

THANK GOD.

- NO MORE FRENCH CRULLERS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

- [roaring]

[gunshot]

- CAPTAIN ARNOLD, TIME'S UP.

WHAT HAPPENS NOW?

[all groaning]

- WELL, SHOW'S OVER.

[clicking]

[telephone rings]

- ¶ YOU GOT TO WAIT FOR THE BEEP, TRIPTANK ¶

DOOP!

- YOU KNOW THE WHOLE ALIEN PROBE THING?

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO PUT,

LIKE, MY BEST STUFF UP THERE,

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, I'M TRYING TO ATTRACT THE ALIENS,

AND NOW I GOT A WHOLE BUNCH OF POWER RANGERS

STUCK UP MY ASSHOLE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT,

'CAUSE I CAN'T GET 'EM OUT.

AND I THINK THE FINGERS OF THE PINK ONE

ARE REALLY, LIKE, GETTIN' SOMEWHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

ANOTHER PERFECT PRANK.

- HE WAS SO SCARED, HE CRY-FARTED.

- YEAH, HE TOTALLY CR-ARTED.

- HEH. - EH, NO.

- YEAH, THAT DOES NOT WORK.

- GUYS, WE GOT TO CELEBRATE.

WHO WANTS PIE?

- OH, YOU KNOW I DO.

- ME, ME, ME!

- APPLE PIE FOR EVERYONE!

WHOO!

- GUYS, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY.

I SPENT $150 ON DONNIE.

- SO GARY MADE US SPEND OUR MONEY

ON HIS STUPID KID?

- WHAT A JERK!

- I HATE THAT GUY!

- OH, GARY.

IT WILL BE SUCKED,

AND IT WILL BE SUCKED HARD BY YOU.

all: SUCK IT! SUCK IT! SUCK IT! SUCK IT! SUCK IT! SUCK IT!

- ¶ SUCK IT GARY

[gunshot]

[wheel squeaking]

[heavy rock music]

- IT'S LONELY WORK.

[aggressive rock music]

¶

[aggressive rock music]

[engines revving]

- [panting]

[engine revving]

- [speaking Japanese]

[aggressive rock music]

¶

[gunshot]

[dolphin squeaking]

[heavy rock music]

- IT'S JUST A JOB.

[phone ringing]

- I HATE YOU.

- AW, YOU DON'T HATE OLD ROY.

- I'M GONNA KILL YOU AS SOON AS I CAN MOVE.

MAN, THIS SHIT AIN'T OVER, MAN.

THIS IS BASE CAMP, YOU DUMMY.

WE STILL GOT TO PUSH FOR THE SUMMER.

- [retching]

- OH, LOOK, WE STILL GOT FIVE MINUTES LEFT, MAN.