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1
00:00:02,402 --> 00:00:03,272
[heart monitor beeping]
2
00:00:03,270 --> 00:00:05,140
- COME ON, YOU LITTLE SHIT.
3
00:00:05,139 --> 00:00:07,639
[sustained beep]
4
00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:10,941
[sighs]
TIME OF DEATH...
5
00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:12,635
- 4:20.
6
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:15,746
- NICE.
7
00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:18,720
[electronic grinding]
8
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,749
[bell rings]
9
00:00:20,755 --> 00:00:21,715
- SHUT UP, CLASS!
10
00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,922
I'M YOUR SUB FOR, UH--
WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
11
00:00:23,924 --> 00:00:25,494
SEX ED? [laughs]
12
00:00:25,493 --> 00:00:27,933
ALL RIGHT, WHO HASN'T
PUT THEIR LITTLE SUPERSTAR
13
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:29,628
INTO A NICE, NEW MEAT JACKET?
14
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:30,200
[laughter]
15
00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:32,557
- YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT.
CLASS DISMISSED.
16
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:33,666
HELL, I'M SORRY, BILLY.
17
00:00:33,667 --> 00:00:34,597
LISTEN, YOU CAN HAVE
18
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:36,102
THIS PLASTIC LEARNING VAGINA
IF YOU WANT.
19
00:00:36,103 --> 00:00:38,043
YOU CAN PROBABLY
CRAM YOUR WIEN INTO IT.
20
00:00:38,039 --> 00:00:40,739
- [grunting]
21
00:00:40,741 --> 00:00:42,211
SPLOOGE!
22
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:44,979
- UGH, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME
SOMEONE'S JACKED OFF IN HERE.
23
00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:45,879
WHAT'S WRONG?
24
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:49,010
- I'M THE ONLY KID AT SCHOOL
WHO'S STILL A VIRGIN.
25
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,116
- BILLY, I HAVE TAKEN
THOUSANDS OF VIRGINITIES,
26
00:00:51,118 --> 00:00:54,518
AND IF THERE IS ONE THING
I'VE LEARNED--I GOT NOTHING.
27
00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:55,252
BEING A VIRGIN SUCKS.
28
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:58,686
- I WISH YOU COULD HELP ME
LOSE MY VIRGINITY.
29
00:00:58,692 --> 00:01:00,432
- JIZZAM.
30
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,688
- UGH!
31
00:01:01,695 --> 00:01:03,025
- ALRIGHT,
LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.
32
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,600
BILLY, MEET LOLA.
SHE IS GOING TO DEFLOWER YOU.
33
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:09,369
- OH, MAN. I HOPE WE
FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED.
34
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,200
- [coughs]
35
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:14,874
HEY, KID, I'M GONNA
POP YOUR CHERRY WIDE OPEN.
36
00:01:14,875 --> 00:01:16,405
- HEY, MAKE ME PROUD.
37
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:20,710
- UM, I WAS HOPING MY FIRST TIME
COULD BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIAL.
38
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:21,714
- FINE.
39
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:23,745
JIZZAM.
40
00:01:23,751 --> 00:01:24,121
- UGH!
41
00:01:24,118 --> 00:01:27,748
- WOW, PROM NIGHT
IS THE MOST SPECIAL NIGHT EVER
42
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:28,945
TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY.
43
00:01:28,956 --> 00:01:30,786
- TOO SECURE.
44
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:32,291
TOO PRETTY.
45
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,333
TO CONFIDENT.
46
00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:36,697
DESPERATE AND ALONE.
BINGO.
47
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:37,697
GO GET HER, BILLY.
48
00:01:37,698 --> 00:01:38,728
- WHA--
- OW!
49
00:01:38,732 --> 00:01:41,232
- I'M SO SORRY.
50
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,535
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.
- WE MUST BE SOUL MATES.
51
00:01:44,538 --> 00:01:47,808
WILL YOU MAKE TONIGHT THE MOST
SPECIAL NIGHT OF MY LIFE?
52
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:48,268
- SURE.
53
00:01:48,275 --> 00:01:52,505
I KNOW WE'VE JUST MET,
BUT I THINK I LOVE YOU.
54
00:01:52,513 --> 00:01:53,653
- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.
55
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:57,677
IT'S TIME TO [bleep].
56
00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:58,715
YOU CAN'T GET IT UP?
57
00:01:58,719 --> 00:02:00,289
- I DON'T KNOW.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.
58
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:03,687
- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE
MOST SPECIAL NIGHT OF MY LIFE.
59
00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:06,791
FIX IT! FIX YOUR PENIS!
- I'M SORRY!
60
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:08,964
- I'M GONNA
REMEMBER THIS FOREVER.
61
00:02:08,963 --> 00:02:12,003
- MAKING YOUR FIRST TIME SPECIAL
IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
62
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:15,799
I WISH I COULD LOSE MY VIRGINITY
LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES.
63
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:19,773
- JIZZAM.
64
00:02:19,773 --> 00:02:20,413
- [groans]
65
00:02:20,407 --> 00:02:22,837
- CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY.
- WHERE AM I?
66
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,883
- YOU HAVE LOST YOUR VIRGINITY!
67
00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,410
- COOL!
68
00:02:27,414 --> 00:02:29,684
BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.
69
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:30,623
- EXACTLY!
70
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,648
YOU WORE A CONDOM, RIGHT?
71
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,223
ROOKIE MISTAKE.
72
00:02:34,221 --> 00:02:34,821
[phone rings]
73
00:02:34,822 --> 00:02:36,022
- TRIP TANK.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
74
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:37,793
- AW, DAMN.
WHO--WHO AM I CALLING?
75
00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,061
I GOT ABOUT FOUR CALLS
IN AT THE SAME TIME.
76
00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:43,400
- YOU'VE REACHED TRIP TANK.
- I GOT TO CALL INTO 9-1-1.
77
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:44,597
UM, I THINK THERE'S
A FIRE IN MY HOUSE,
78
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:47,628
AND A BURGLAR IN MY HOUSE,
AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE.
79
00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:49,365
- HOLD, PLEASE.
80
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,200
[tires screech]
81
00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:55,036
- BEN, YOU BETTER GO
OPEN UP THAT FRONT DOOR.
82
00:02:55,042 --> 00:02:56,212
THERE'S THIS CRAZY
SON OF A BITCH
83
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,640
SELLING GUMMY BEARS OUT OF
THE BACK OF A GOLD SPARKLED VAN.
84
00:02:58,646 --> 00:03:01,276
I'D GET IT, BUT NUMBER TWO
IS SCREAMING AT ME
85
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,582
LIKE A WILD OWL, MAN.
86
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:04,423
- WAIT, WHAT IS YOUR JOB AGAIN?
87
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,918
- DON'T YOU DARE
TALK BACK TO ROY.
88
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,120
I RUN THIS SHIT.
THIS IS MINE.
89
00:03:07,121 --> 00:03:09,251
IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOCK OUT
A GROWLER, MAN,
90
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,286
I'D BE KNOCKING YOU OUT.
91
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:13,091
MAN, GO GET ME
SOME GUMMY BEARS, MAN.
92
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:14,693
[keyboard clicking]
93
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,695
- ALL MY LIFE
I WANTED TWO THINGS--
94
00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:22,098
A NINTENDO POWER GLOVE
AND AN AMERICAN WIFE.
95
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:30,639
- IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM
OF MINE TO SEE THE WORLD,
96
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:31,444
ESPECIALLY CHINA.
97
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:34,675
- HEY HON, I GOT THE KIDS ALL
PREPPED FOR BED IF YOU WANT--
98
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:35,482
- UGH, CHRIST, DOUG.
99
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:38,682
I TOLD YOUR STUPID ASS
I WAS SKYPING WITH MY MOM.
100
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:40,916
UGH.
[baby crying]
101
00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,421
KISSES.
102
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:43,893
- OH.
103
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:45,661
- WHERE THE HELL
IS THAT BEN, MAN?
104
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:47,289
PROBABLY AT HOME MILKING A GOAT
105
00:03:47,294 --> 00:03:49,764
FOR SOME ORGANIC YOGURT
OR SOME BULLSHIT.
106
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,163
SON OF A BITCH BETTER NOT
BE AT THE BEACH
107
00:03:51,165 --> 00:03:53,725
GETTING ALL TANNED UP
SPLISHIN' AND A-SPLASHIN'.
108
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:54,734
GOD DAMN NO GOOD.
109
00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,565
HELLO. TRIP TANK.
110
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,570
- YEAH, GUYS, I HAD A PROPOSAL.
111
00:03:59,573 --> 00:04:01,713
UM, YOU KNOW, I WANT
TO GIVE YOU FIRST SHOT AT IT.
112
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:02,939
IT'S REALLY EXCELLENT.
113
00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:06,813
IT'S THIS BEAUTIFUL,
REALLY DELICATE THING.
114
00:04:06,814 --> 00:04:07,654
WOULD YOU SHUT UP?
115
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:10,378
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD PROBABLY
GET SOMETHING LIKE THAT
116
00:04:10,384 --> 00:04:12,124
FOR, YOU KNOW--
PAY A LOT A MONEY FOR IT,
117
00:04:12,119 --> 00:04:13,649
BUT I'LL GIVE IT
TO YOU FOR $200.
118
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,994
- UM, TRANSFERRING YOU
TO THE DIPSHIT BASEMENT.
119
00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:18,990
- I TOLD YOU,
I'M ON THE [bleep] PHONE!
120
00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:19,693
- CLICK.
121
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:23,963
- I LOVE AMERICA,
AND MY COLORS DON'T RUN.
122
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,734
THEY SPREAD.
123
00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:26,973
I CAN GO ON AND ON
124
00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:29,997
CHATTING YOUR EAR OFF
ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS,
125
00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:32,774
BUT I THINK
DR. POLAROID SAID IT BEST.
126
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:37,443
A PICTURE PAINTS
A HUNDRED PICTURES.
127
00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:40,654
[hard rock music]
128
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:46,548
¶
129
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,493
AMERICA, YOU BETTER GET SOME.
130
00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:50,520
[neck cracks]
131
00:04:50,524 --> 00:04:51,824
- OH, NO. OOH.
132
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,885
[rock music]
133
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:07,610
[foreboding music]
134
00:05:07,608 --> 00:05:12,438
¶
135
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,548
- AHHH!
136
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:50,878
[both scream]
137
00:05:51,884 --> 00:05:55,324
- [speaks Japanese]
138
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,831
OKAY.
139
00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:35,058
[hard rock music]
140
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,902
¶
141
00:06:37,898 --> 00:06:41,128
[electronic music]
142
00:06:41,135 --> 00:06:42,925
¶
143
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:48,911
- AHH!
144
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:57,724
[percussive, metallic music]
145
00:06:57,718 --> 00:06:58,678
¶
146
00:06:58,685 --> 00:07:00,345
- [chuckles]
147
00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,964
- SO, UH, ZOEY AND I
GOT PRETTY FAR LAST NIGHT.
148
00:07:03,957 --> 00:07:06,057
- AH, ZOEY.
HOW WAS IT, MAN?
149
00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,889
- RAUL, IT WAS FANTASTICO.
150
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:09,155
[warped voice]
SHE SUCKED ON MY TOOTSIE ROLL.
151
00:07:09,163 --> 00:07:12,203
- [chuckles]
OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
152
00:07:12,199 --> 00:07:13,469
DEFINITELY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
153
00:07:13,467 --> 00:07:15,127
- EH, IT WAS GOOD FOR HER TOO.
154
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,135
I AM PRETTY WELL HUNG.
[chuckles]
155
00:07:17,137 --> 00:07:21,337
- [laughing]
OH, MY GOD. OH, PACO.
156
00:07:21,341 --> 00:07:22,241
- [giggles]
157
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,842
- GOD, I JUST WANT
THIS PARTY TO BE OVER.
158
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:26,414
I'M REALLY JUST AT THE END
OF MY ROPE WITH THESE KIDS.
159
00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:30,483
- MAN, THIS PARTY'S SO BORING,
I COULD JUST HANG MYSELF.
160
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:30,984
[both laugh]
161
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:34,624
- OKAY, KIDS, ARE YOU
READY TO HIT SOME PINATAS?
162
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,491
[kids cheer]
163
00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:37,820
- WAIT, WHAT?
164
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:40,555
[bleep]!
165
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:44,101
MOTHER[bleep]
BITCH [bleep] SHIT!
166
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,757
MY GOD, MY [bleep] LEG!
167
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,566
- OH, MY GOD, RAUL,
ARE YOU OKAY?
168
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:50,968
- GET AWAY FROM ME!
NO, GET AWAY!
169
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,871
OH, GOD. [bleep], OH, SHIT.
170
00:07:53,874 --> 00:07:55,444
OH, GOD. [bleep] THIS.
171
00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:57,982
[gasping, gagging]
172
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,508
- OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS SO [bleep]!
173
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,824
- I'M SO COLD.
174
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:04,717
MAMA?
175
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,848
[coughs] MAMA?
176
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:11,615
TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS
THAT I LOVE--
177
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,625
[kids cheer]
178
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:17,697
PACO, HELP ME.
179
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,558
- [slurps]
180
00:08:19,566 --> 00:08:20,496
AH...
181
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:22,301
- [chomping]
182
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:24,602
- HEY, LOOK,
THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
183
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:26,505
- NO, PLEASE, NO.
184
00:08:26,507 --> 00:08:28,867
NO. NO. NO.
185
00:08:28,876 --> 00:08:31,436
[phone rings]
- TRIP TANK, TALK AT ME.
186
00:08:31,445 --> 00:08:31,975
- HEY, HEY, HEY.
187
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:34,749
OH, MY GOD.
THANK GOD YOU [bleep] ANSWERED.
188
00:08:34,748 --> 00:08:36,618
I JUST ESCAPED FROM PRISON.
[horns honking]
189
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,047
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET AWAY,
AND I GOT AWAY.
190
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,751
I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW ON TV.
[horns honking]
191
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,623
IT'S SO GOOD.
I GOT TO BE PART OF THIS.
192
00:08:41,622 --> 00:08:43,392
I HAD TO ESCAPE,
AND I HOPPED OVER THE FENCE,
193
00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:44,920
AND NOW I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU.
[tires screeching, crash]
194
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:48,055
I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW.
I LOVE YOUR SHOW. I'M A WALLABY.
195
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,431
I'M REALLY, REALLY CUTE.
NO, LIKE, SUPER CUTE.
196
00:08:50,430 --> 00:08:51,700
I GOT LITTLE,
BEADY, BLACK EYES,
197
00:08:51,698 --> 00:08:53,828
AND I GOT A [bleep] LITTLE POUCH
I CAN CARRY ANYTHING IN.
198
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:54,974
IF IT FITS IN THERE,
I'LL CARRY IT, MAN.
199
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:57,468
[tires screeching, crash]
I HOP REAL HIGH. I'M GOOD.
200
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:58,241
YOU'LL LIKE ME.
201
00:08:58,238 --> 00:08:59,668
OKAY, I'M ON MY WAY THERE NOW.
202
00:08:59,673 --> 00:09:02,513
I'LL BE THERE IN A [bleep]
SECOND, JUST HOLD ON.
203
00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:05,609
[rock music]
204
00:09:05,612 --> 00:09:08,412
- DRIVING SCREWS.
205
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,015
REMOVING SCREWS.
206
00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,547
[electricity zaps]
207
00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:13,352
REMOVING NAILS.
208
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,153
- [screams]
209
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:16,024
- ENDING A RELATIONSHIP.
210
00:09:16,023 --> 00:09:17,723
[metal screeching]
211
00:09:17,724 --> 00:09:20,964
STIRRING CHARDONNAY.
212
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:25,331
A MAGICAL WIZARD WAND.
[horns honking]
213
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,632
- [whistles]
214
00:09:26,633 --> 00:09:28,573
- SNAIL KABOBBING!
215
00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:29,939
HONEY TASTING.
216
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,567
- [roars]
217
00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:34,012
- FENDING OFF PIRATES.
218
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:35,237
SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.
219
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,412
[tires screech]
- [sobbing]
220
00:09:37,411 --> 00:09:40,251
- KILLING A WEREWOLF.
221
00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:43,277
- [roars]
- UNSUCCESSFULLY.
222
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:45,283
FIXING A ROBOT.
223
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:46,715
[electricity zaps]
224
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,420
FIXING A TIME MACHINE.
225
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:52,563
[Scooby-Doo sound effect]
226
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:54,689
AS A CATTLE BRAND.
227
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,485
[sizzling]
228
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:59,526
[cacophony]
GETTING SOME QUIET!
229
00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:00,033
[silence]
230
00:10:03,369 --> 00:10:05,439
[phone rings]
- R.W. SPEAKING.
231
00:10:05,439 --> 00:10:06,439
- UM, HEY, YEAH.
232
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:07,870
HI, IT'S ME AGAIN.
233
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,584
UM, LISTEN,
SORRY TO CALL YOU BACK--
234
00:10:10,577 --> 00:10:12,177
[yelling]
OH, JUST SHUT UP!
235
00:10:12,179 --> 00:10:13,809
[bleep] YOU!
236
00:10:13,814 --> 00:10:16,884
I JU--ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
I WARNED YOU!
237
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:20,623
YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS
AS LONG AS YOU LIVE,
238
00:10:20,621 --> 00:10:21,751
WHICH WON'T BE LONG!
239
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:24,715
I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, MAN.
I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.
240
00:10:24,725 --> 00:10:29,225
- JOHN, I FEEL LIKE
WE'RE DRIFTING APART.
241
00:10:29,229 --> 00:10:31,299
- [sniffles]
WE ARE?
242
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:31,828
- OH--
243
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:35,402
- OH, I THOUGHT--[laughs]
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
244
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:38,442
- OH!
[both laughing]
245
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,268
- STOP IT!
246
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:43,113
[laughter subsides]
247
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,540
- I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE.
248
00:10:45,545 --> 00:10:47,675
[inner tube thumps]
249
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:51,481
[heart monitor beeping]
- I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE MAN
250
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:52,745
WHO HAS HEALTH CARE,
251
00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:57,093
LOTS AND LOTS OF SWEET,
DELICIOUS HEALTH CARE.
252
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,660
I REALLY--UGH.
[sustained beep]
253
00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,760
- SCALPEL, RIB SPREADERS.
254
00:11:01,762 --> 00:11:03,062
[quiet Chinese music]
255
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:05,963
[grunts]
GONNA HAVE TO MASSAGE THE HEART.
256
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:08,326
- OH, SHE'S HEMORRHAGING!
DOCTOR, STOP IT!
257
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,265
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
258
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:12,639
HER H.M.O.
DOESN'T COVER HEART MASSAGES.
259
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:15,869
- OH. WELL, SWEET.
260
00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:16,836
- OH.
261
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:20,053
[loud rock music]
262
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:21,607
¶
263
00:11:21,615 --> 00:11:24,315
[electronic dance music]
264
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,817
¶
265
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:30,619
- JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD.
I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO HUNKS.
266
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:32,664
HEY, CHAD.
267
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,429
HEY. HEY, CHAD.
268
00:11:34,428 --> 00:11:38,158
CHAD, CHAD,
CHAD, CHAD, CHAD
269
00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,425
CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD--
270
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:42,774
CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD--
- OH, MY GOD.
271
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:44,099
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
272
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,174
- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, LIKE,
273
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,572
GO TO THE BALL PIT
AT THE FUN PALACE,
274
00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,384
AND I'LL, LIKE, THINK
I'M GRABBING A PLASTIC BALL,
275
00:11:50,377 --> 00:11:52,277
BUT IT WILL BE, LIKE,
YOUR FLESHY BALL,
276
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,849
AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, NO!"
277
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,648
BUT YOU'LL LIKE IT,
AND BE LIKE--
278
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:57,350
- NO.
279
00:11:57,350 --> 00:12:00,720
BETH, YOU ARE A BONER TERRORIST.
280
00:12:00,721 --> 00:12:03,561
YOU ARE THE OSAMA BONE-LADEN
OF BONER TERRORISTS.
281
00:12:03,557 --> 00:12:05,317
- YOUR LOSS, CHAD.
282
00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,985
CALL ME WHEN YOU WANT
A REAL WOMAN.
283
00:12:08,995 --> 00:12:10,795
SERIOUSLY, CALL ME.
I'LL BE WAITING.
284
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:13,097
- HE'S A LOSER ANYWAY.
- YOU'RE A LOSER.
285
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:15,700
YOU TOTALLY COCK-BLOCKED
MY GAME, YOU BITCH.
286
00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:16,742
- I'M SORRY.
287
00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:19,837
- OH, MY GOD, OF COURSE.
288
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:24,010
IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW.
289
00:12:24,010 --> 00:12:26,540
- WE'RE GONNA HAVE
SO MANY BONERS.
290
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:29,346
- LIKE, A MILLION BONERS.
291
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,949
- CAN I HELP YOU GIRLS
WITH ANYTHING?
292
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:33,822
- UM, YEAH.
293
00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:35,850
WHICH ONE OF THESE
GIVES THE MOST BONERS?
294
00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:39,656
- WELL, I'M NOT SURE THIS LINE
WILL HAVE YOUR,
295
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,259
UM, SIZE.
296
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,661
HAVE YOU GIRLS
THOUGHT OF SHOPPING
297
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,102
AT THE PLUMP AND PLENTIFUL?
298
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,557
- HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT OF SHOPPING AT THE, UM,
299
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:48,696
I'LL F-ING KILL YOU STORE?!
300
00:12:48,702 --> 00:12:49,902
I'M A REAL WOMAN!
301
00:12:49,903 --> 00:12:52,673
NOW, SHOW ME
WHERE THE CHANGING ROOMS ARE.
302
00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,942
[grunts]
303
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:56,311
WHAT THE "F."
304
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:59,039
IT'S LIKE THESE
ARE MEANT FOR SKELETOR.
305
00:12:59,045 --> 00:13:03,405
- UGH, THIS IS GONNA BE
THE WORST SHOPPING MONTAGE EVER.
306
00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:04,146
[dance music]
307
00:13:04,151 --> 00:13:06,551
- ¶ YOU GOT YOUR
ITTY BITTY THONG ¶
308
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,993
¶ AND YOUR HIGH HEELS ARE ON
309
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,019
¶ YOU'RE SEXY AND YOU KNOW IT
310
00:13:10,023 --> 00:13:12,393
¶ GOT JUNK IN THE TRUNK,
AND YOU WANT TO SHOW IT ¶
311
00:13:12,392 --> 00:13:13,932
¶ HEY, LITTLE DIDDLE DIDDLE
312
00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:14,957
¶ LITTLE WIGGLE
'ROUND THE MIDDLE ¶
313
00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:17,501
¶ AND YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE
SO YOU WIGGLE WHEN YOU GIGGLE ¶
314
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:18,527
[music slows]
315
00:13:18,532 --> 00:13:20,872
- HEY, BETH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
316
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:23,737
- I THINK WE'RE READY
TO MAKE SOME BONERS HAPPEN.
317
00:13:23,737 --> 00:13:25,697
[bell rings]
318
00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:26,635
HEY, CHAD.
319
00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,310
YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT,
320
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:31,408
LIKE, I DON'T KNOW,
MAYBE SEXIER?
321
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:34,481
- BETH,
FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME...
322
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,951
[elastic creaking]
323
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:37,580
OW!
324
00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:40,394
- OH, NO!
CHAD, MY LOVE, ARE YOU OKAY?
325
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:41,047
- GET AWAY FROM ME!
326
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:44,494
- NO, BUT CHAD, I JUST
WANTED TO GIVE YOU BONERS.
327
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:48,631
[metallic slice]
328
00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:51,928
I CALL THE BOTTOM HALF.
329
00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,672
[phone rings]
- HELLO, TRIP TANK.
330
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,168
- YEAH, HI.
UM, ME AGAIN.
331
00:13:56,169 --> 00:14:00,239
UM, I'VE GOT A COUPLE FINGERS
HERE, ON ICE.
332
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:01,940
THIS IS A TWO-FOR-ONE THING.
333
00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:04,142
UM, THERE'S A LEFT
AND A RIGHT FINGER,
334
00:14:04,144 --> 00:14:08,284
UH, AND YOU CAN HAVE THEM
FOR $500 FOR TWO.
335
00:14:08,281 --> 00:14:10,751
- YOU ARE THE SCARIEST SON
OF A BITCH I'VE EVER TALKED TO
336
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:13,620
ON THE PHONE, BUT THAT'S
THE BEST DEAL I'VE EVER HEARD.
337
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:14,850
I'LL TAKE IT.
338
00:14:14,855 --> 00:14:18,185
[rock music]
339
00:14:21,060 --> 00:14:23,260
[rock music]
340
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:26,403
[Russian music]
341
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:28,999
¶
342
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,242
[Spanish music]
343
00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,039
¶
344
00:14:33,039 --> 00:14:36,239
[Egyptian music]
345
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,283
¶
346
00:14:38,278 --> 00:14:41,778
[rock music]
347
00:14:44,283 --> 00:14:45,483
- [snorts]
348
00:14:45,485 --> 00:14:46,345
- SIR?
349
00:14:46,353 --> 00:14:50,153
- OOH, LET'S DELIVER
SOME MOTHER[bleep] PRESENTS!
350
00:14:50,156 --> 00:14:53,186
[traditional Chinese music]
351
00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:53,963
¶
352
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:58,100
all:
WE ARE THE 99%! WE ARE THE...
353
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,698
- I AM THE 99%,
354
00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:00,969
AND I WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY
355
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:04,467
THAT ISN'T AS OPPRESSIVE
AS THE UNITED STATES OF SUCK!
356
00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:08,011
- OKAY, PRETTY PLEASE,
THIS TIME, WITH A CHERRY ON TOP?
357
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:11,078
JUST, YOU KNOW, GO ON
AND GET BACK TO ART SCHOOL
358
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,907
AND YOUR JOBS
AT THE COFFEE SHOP OR WHATEVER.
359
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:14,614
- OH, SUCK MY [bleep].
360
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:17,324
- COME ON, LADY.
THAT HURTS. THAT REALLY HURTS.
361
00:15:17,317 --> 00:15:19,077
- IF YOU LIVE IN A COUNTRY
WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL
362
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:22,485
WITH GOOSE-STEPPING GOVERNMENT
PUPPETS LIKE THAT BAG OF DICKS,
363
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:25,259
THEN HIT ME UP,
AND LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD.
364
00:15:25,258 --> 00:15:27,058
#IHATEMYDAD.
365
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:29,130
- YEAH! WHOO-HOO!
366
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:31,859
[all chanting]
367
00:15:35,234 --> 00:15:37,004
- OH...
368
00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:39,103
[backwards speech]
369
00:15:39,105 --> 00:15:41,405
[rock music]
370
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:43,708
[bell rings]
371
00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:29,486
- [groans]
372
00:17:05,391 --> 00:17:08,591
[hard rock music]
373
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,395
¶
374
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:12,397
[phone rings]
- SPEAK AT ME, MINION.
375
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,429
- YEAH, HI, HI.
376
00:17:13,433 --> 00:17:15,603
MY NAME IS DAN.
I'M A FATHER OF THREE.
377
00:17:15,602 --> 00:17:18,072
I JUST WALKED IN ON MY KIDS
WATCHING YOUR SHOW.
378
00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:21,871
THE AMOUNT OF MASTURBATION
ON YOUR SHOW FLOORS ME!
379
00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:24,275
IT FLOORS ME!
BOBBY, STOP IT!
380
00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,237
STOP MASTURBATING!
381
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:30,816
YOU DID THAT, BEN.
YOU DID THAT.
382
00:17:30,817 --> 00:17:31,877
THAT'S ON YOU.
383
00:17:31,885 --> 00:17:34,985
[traditional Chinese music]
384
00:17:34,988 --> 00:17:36,018
¶
385
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:38,322
- I GUESS I'M LOOKING
FOR WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE.
386
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:41,534
LOVE, LAUGHTER,
A PERSON TO GROW OLD WITH.
387
00:17:41,528 --> 00:17:44,858
BUT MEN IN AMERICA CAN
JUST BE A BIT NARROW-MINDED.
388
00:17:44,864 --> 00:17:45,804
REALLY, I CAN'T BLAME THEM.
389
00:17:45,799 --> 00:17:48,269
I MEAN, TWO WOMEN
CAN BE A HANDFUL. [chuckles]
390
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:49,668
- [spits]
WHA--?
391
00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:52,369
- LINNY, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES
AND COME IN HERE.
392
00:17:52,372 --> 00:17:55,142
[goofy voice]
HELLO. I'M LINNY.
393
00:17:55,141 --> 00:17:56,111
SERIOUSLY, BITCH?
394
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,009
YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT?
395
00:17:57,010 --> 00:17:59,580
LIKE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.
396
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:00,579
WHAT? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
397
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:04,080
UM, YOU JUST EYE-HUMPED HIM LIKE
HE WAS A SPRUCE CHANNING TATUM.
398
00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:07,024
DID NOT.
BECCA, I SWEAR TO GOD!
399
00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:09,050
YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT!
400
00:18:09,055 --> 00:18:10,955
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!
401
00:18:10,957 --> 00:18:14,627
IT JUST MAKES ME SO THIRSTY!
402
00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:16,957
PSST, HEY, YOU, SHE'S CRAZY.
403
00:18:16,963 --> 00:18:19,203
SHE KILLED HER LAST HUSBAND.
404
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,169
OH, LORD JESUS IN HEAVEN,
IT WAS AWFUL.
405
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:24,537
SHE USED HIS BLOOD TO PAINT
MY LIPS FOR, CHRIST SAKE.
406
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:25,337
WHO DOES THAT?
407
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:28,168
OH, MY GOSH.
SHE'S COMING BACK.
408
00:18:28,174 --> 00:18:31,244
SAVE YOURSELF. RUN!
409
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:34,184
[metal music]
410
00:18:34,180 --> 00:18:37,580
[organ music]
411
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:41,824
- ARGH.
[drill whirring]
412
00:18:41,821 --> 00:18:44,891
- [crying]
413
00:18:48,060 --> 00:18:48,990
EH?
414
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:53,555
YAH!
[funky rock music]
415
00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:55,296
- HUH?
416
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:57,341
- RAH.
[beeps]
417
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,437
- AH, AH! AHH! AHH!
418
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,299
AHH!
419
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,366
[grinding]
420
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:05,305
[metal music]
421
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:07,711
¶
422
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:12,882
[electronic music]
423
00:19:12,886 --> 00:19:16,346
- [blowing]
424
00:19:20,325 --> 00:19:24,555
WELCOME TO CHINA, MY LOVE.
425
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:28,774
[pops, air hissing]
OH, NO!
426
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,339
[phone rings]
- R.W. SPEAKING.
427
00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:34,238
- WHAT'S UP, R.W.?
THIS IS R.W.
428
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:35,610
WHO?
- YOU, MAN.
429
00:19:35,608 --> 00:19:37,038
- ME?
- ROY, IT'S ROY.
430
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:38,843
- GRANDPA, IS THAT YOU?
431
00:19:38,845 --> 00:19:40,075
- HELL, NO, DUMMY.
432
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:41,179
IT'S ME, ROY W.
FROM THE FUTURE.
433
00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:43,951
- WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN.
WE'RE BOTH ROY.
434
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:44,720
- YOU?
- ME?
435
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,117
- HELL, YEAH. LOOK HERE, ROY,
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT, MAN.
436
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,190
GOT THE COUNTACH,
WE GOT THE BABES, MAN.
437
00:19:49,189 --> 00:19:51,019
YOU GOT TO SAVE BEN RIGHT NOW.
438
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:51,994
HE'S IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK
439
00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,091
WITH THAT
FINGER-CLIPPING MANIAC.
440
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,232
- GOD, THESE ARE BEN'S FINGERS?
441
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:56,628
OH, MY GOD,
HE'S GONNA BE SO BUMMED.
442
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:59,159
HE'S GONNA HAVE TWO LESS FINGERS
TO SPANK IT WITH.
443
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,155
- ROY.
- YES, ROY.
444
00:20:00,166 --> 00:20:02,326
- OUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOU,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
445
00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:03,425
- HOW DO I FIND HIM, ROY?
446
00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,196
- COME ON, ROY.
I'M FROM THE FUTURE.
447
00:20:05,205 --> 00:20:09,835
ROY, ROY, ROY. HELP, HELP, HELP.
BEN, BEN, BEN.
448
00:20:09,842 --> 00:20:13,042
[ethereal zapping]
449
00:20:13,046 --> 00:20:14,306
- HELL, YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY.
450
00:20:14,314 --> 00:20:15,484
- GO GET HIM, ROY!
451
00:20:15,481 --> 00:20:17,381
[music box music]
452
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:19,283
- HEY, GRANDMA,
WHAT YOU MAKING?
453
00:20:19,285 --> 00:20:24,385
- OH NOTHING, ANTHONY.
NOTHING AT ALL.
454
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,320
[alarm sounding]
455
00:20:25,325 --> 00:20:28,925
MONEY IN THE BAG,
[bleep]SUCKER!
456
00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:32,128
OH, YEAH, BITCHES!
457
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:32,931
[gunshot]
458
00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:36,972
[phone rings]
459
00:20:36,970 --> 00:20:39,240
- HI, HELLO?
460
00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,539
UH, ANYONE THERE?
461
00:20:40,540 --> 00:20:41,270
- HEY, BUDDY.
462
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:42,644
[chuckles]
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.
463
00:20:42,642 --> 00:20:45,882
WE CAN SEW THEM THINGS BACK ON.
I HAD 'EM ON ICE.
464
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:47,608
- HELLO?
465
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:49,184
HELLO?
466
00:20:49,182 --> 00:20:51,782
I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING.
467
00:20:51,784 --> 00:20:55,054
[raucous rock music]
468
00:20:55,054 --> 00:20:56,424
¶
31496
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