Original subtitles

[heart monitor beeping]

- COME ON, YOU LITTLE SHIT.

[sustained beep]

[sighs] TIME OF DEATH...

- 4:20.

- NICE.

[electronic grinding]

[bell rings]

- SHUT UP, CLASS!

I'M YOUR SUB FOR, UH-- WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

SEX ED? [laughs]

ALL RIGHT, WHO HASN'T PUT THEIR LITTLE SUPERSTAR

INTO A NICE, NEW MEAT JACKET?

[laughter]

- YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT. CLASS DISMISSED.

HELL, I'M SORRY, BILLY.

LISTEN, YOU CAN HAVE

THIS PLASTIC LEARNING VAGINA IF YOU WANT.

YOU CAN PROBABLY CRAM YOUR WIEN INTO IT.

- [grunting]

SPLOOGE!

- UGH, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME SOMEONE'S JACKED OFF IN HERE.

WHAT'S WRONG?

- I'M THE ONLY KID AT SCHOOL WHO'S STILL A VIRGIN.

- BILLY, I HAVE TAKEN THOUSANDS OF VIRGINITIES,

AND IF THERE IS ONE THING I'VE LEARNED--I GOT NOTHING.

BEING A VIRGIN SUCKS.

- I WISH YOU COULD HELP ME LOSE MY VIRGINITY.

- JIZZAM.

- UGH!

- ALRIGHT, LET'S GET THIS OVER WITH.

BILLY, MEET LOLA. SHE IS GOING TO DEFLOWER YOU.

- OH, MAN. I HOPE WE FALL IN LOVE AND GET MARRIED.

- [coughs]

HEY, KID, I'M GONNA POP YOUR CHERRY WIDE OPEN.

- HEY, MAKE ME PROUD.

- UM, I WAS HOPING MY FIRST TIME COULD BE A LITTLE MORE SPECIAL.

- FINE.

JIZZAM.

- UGH!

- WOW, PROM NIGHT IS THE MOST SPECIAL NIGHT EVER

TO LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY.

- TOO SECURE.

TOO PRETTY.

TO CONFIDENT.

DESPERATE AND ALONE. BINGO.

GO GET HER, BILLY.

- WHA-- - OW!

- I'M SO SORRY.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. - WE MUST BE SOUL MATES.

WILL YOU MAKE TONIGHT THE MOST SPECIAL NIGHT OF MY LIFE?

- SURE.

I KNOW WE'VE JUST MET, BUT I THINK I LOVE YOU.

- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

IT'S TIME TO [bleep].

YOU CAN'T GET IT UP?

- I DON'T KNOW. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE.

- THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOST SPECIAL NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

FIX IT! FIX YOUR PENIS! - I'M SORRY!

- I'M GONNA REMEMBER THIS FOREVER.

- MAKING YOUR FIRST TIME SPECIAL IS TOO MUCH PRESSURE.

I WISH I COULD LOSE MY VIRGINITY LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES.

- JIZZAM.

- [groans]

- CONGRATULATIONS, BUDDY. - WHERE AM I?

- YOU HAVE LOST YOUR VIRGINITY!

- COOL!

BUT I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING.

- EXACTLY!

YOU WORE A CONDOM, RIGHT?

ROOKIE MISTAKE.

[phone rings]

- TRIP TANK. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- AW, DAMN. WHO--WHO AM I CALLING?

I GOT ABOUT FOUR CALLS IN AT THE SAME TIME.

- YOU'VE REACHED TRIP TANK. - I GOT TO CALL INTO 9-1-1.

UM, I THINK THERE'S A FIRE IN MY HOUSE,

AND A BURGLAR IN MY HOUSE, AND I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS WORSE.

- HOLD, PLEASE.

[tires screech]

- BEN, YOU BETTER GO OPEN UP THAT FRONT DOOR.

THERE'S THIS CRAZY SON OF A BITCH

SELLING GUMMY BEARS OUT OF THE BACK OF A GOLD SPARKLED VAN.

I'D GET IT, BUT NUMBER TWO IS SCREAMING AT ME

LIKE A WILD OWL, MAN.

- WAIT, WHAT IS YOUR JOB AGAIN?

- DON'T YOU DARE TALK BACK TO ROY.

I RUN THIS SHIT. THIS IS MINE.

IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOCK OUT A GROWLER, MAN,

I'D BE KNOCKING YOU OUT.

MAN, GO GET ME SOME GUMMY BEARS, MAN.

[keyboard clicking]

- ALL MY LIFE I WANTED TWO THINGS--

A NINTENDO POWER GLOVE AND AN AMERICAN WIFE.

- IT'S ALWAYS BEEN A DREAM OF MINE TO SEE THE WORLD,

ESPECIALLY CHINA.

- HEY HON, I GOT THE KIDS ALL PREPPED FOR BED IF YOU WANT--

- UGH, CHRIST, DOUG.

I TOLD YOUR STUPID ASS I WAS SKYPING WITH MY MOM.

UGH. [baby crying]

KISSES.

- OH.

- WHERE THE HELL IS THAT BEN, MAN?

PROBABLY AT HOME MILKING A GOAT

FOR SOME ORGANIC YOGURT OR SOME BULLSHIT.

SON OF A BITCH BETTER NOT BE AT THE BEACH

GETTING ALL TANNED UP SPLISHIN' AND A-SPLASHIN'.

GOD DAMN NO GOOD.

HELLO. TRIP TANK.

- YEAH, GUYS, I HAD A PROPOSAL.

UM, YOU KNOW, I WANT TO GIVE YOU FIRST SHOT AT IT.

IT'S REALLY EXCELLENT.

IT'S THIS BEAUTIFUL, REALLY DELICATE THING.

WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD PROBABLY GET SOMETHING LIKE THAT

FOR, YOU KNOW-- PAY A LOT A MONEY FOR IT,

BUT I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU FOR $200.

- UM, TRANSFERRING YOU TO THE DIPSHIT BASEMENT.

- I TOLD YOU, I'M ON THE [bleep] PHONE!

- CLICK.

- I LOVE AMERICA, AND MY COLORS DON'T RUN.

THEY SPREAD.

I CAN GO ON AND ON

CHATTING YOUR EAR OFF ABOUT WHAT THAT MEANS,

BUT I THINK DR. POLAROID SAID IT BEST.

A PICTURE PAINTS A HUNDRED PICTURES.

[hard rock music]

¶

AMERICA, YOU BETTER GET SOME.

[neck cracks]

- OH, NO. OOH.

[rock music]

[foreboding music]

¶

- AHHH!

[both scream]

- [speaks Japanese]

OKAY.

[hard rock music]

¶

[electronic music]

¶

- AHH!

[percussive, metallic music]

¶

- [chuckles]

- SO, UH, ZOEY AND I GOT PRETTY FAR LAST NIGHT.

- AH, ZOEY. HOW WAS IT, MAN?

- RAUL, IT WAS FANTASTICO.

[warped voice] SHE SUCKED ON MY TOOTSIE ROLL.

- [chuckles] OH, I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

DEFINITELY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

- EH, IT WAS GOOD FOR HER TOO.

I AM PRETTY WELL HUNG. [chuckles]

- [laughing] OH, MY GOD. OH, PACO.

- [giggles]

- GOD, I JUST WANT THIS PARTY TO BE OVER.

I'M REALLY JUST AT THE END OF MY ROPE WITH THESE KIDS.

- MAN, THIS PARTY'S SO BORING, I COULD JUST HANG MYSELF.

[both laugh]

- OKAY, KIDS, ARE YOU READY TO HIT SOME PINATAS?

[kids cheer]

- WAIT, WHAT?

[bleep]!

MOTHER[bleep] BITCH [bleep] SHIT!

MY GOD, MY [bleep] LEG!

- OH, MY GOD, RAUL, ARE YOU OKAY?

- GET AWAY FROM ME! NO, GET AWAY!

OH, GOD. [bleep], OH, SHIT.

OH, GOD. [bleep] THIS.

[gasping, gagging]

- OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS SO [bleep]!

- I'M SO COLD.

MAMA?

[coughs] MAMA?

TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS THAT I LOVE--

[kids cheer]

PACO, HELP ME.

- [slurps]

AH...

- [chomping]

- HEY, LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

- NO, PLEASE, NO.

NO. NO. NO.

[phone rings] - TRIP TANK, TALK AT ME.

- HEY, HEY, HEY.

OH, MY GOD. THANK GOD YOU [bleep] ANSWERED.

I JUST ESCAPED FROM PRISON. [horns honking]

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET AWAY, AND I GOT AWAY.

I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW ON TV. [horns honking]

IT'S SO GOOD. I GOT TO BE PART OF THIS.

I HAD TO ESCAPE, AND I HOPPED OVER THE FENCE,

AND NOW I WANT TO WORK FOR YOU. [tires screeching, crash]

I'VE SEEN YOUR SHOW. I LOVE YOUR SHOW. I'M A WALLABY.

I'M REALLY, REALLY CUTE. NO, LIKE, SUPER CUTE.

I GOT LITTLE, BEADY, BLACK EYES,

AND I GOT A [bleep] LITTLE POUCH I CAN CARRY ANYTHING IN.

IF IT FITS IN THERE, I'LL CARRY IT, MAN.

[tires screeching, crash] I HOP REAL HIGH. I'M GOOD.

YOU'LL LIKE ME.

OKAY, I'M ON MY WAY THERE NOW.

I'LL BE THERE IN A [bleep] SECOND, JUST HOLD ON.

[rock music]

- DRIVING SCREWS.

REMOVING SCREWS.

[electricity zaps]

REMOVING NAILS.

- [screams]

- ENDING A RELATIONSHIP.

[metal screeching]

STIRRING CHARDONNAY.

A MAGICAL WIZARD WAND. [horns honking]

- [whistles]

- SNAIL KABOBBING!

HONEY TASTING.

- [roars]

- FENDING OFF PIRATES.

SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.

[tires screech] - [sobbing]

- KILLING A WEREWOLF.

- [roars] - UNSUCCESSFULLY.

FIXING A ROBOT.

[electricity zaps]

FIXING A TIME MACHINE.

[Scooby-Doo sound effect]

AS A CATTLE BRAND.

[sizzling]

[cacophony] GETTING SOME QUIET!

[silence]

[phone rings] - R.W. SPEAKING.

- UM, HEY, YEAH.

HI, IT'S ME AGAIN.

UM, LISTEN, SORRY TO CALL YOU BACK--

[yelling] OH, JUST SHUT UP!

[bleep] YOU!

I JU--ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT! I WARNED YOU!

YOU'RE GONNA REGRET THIS AS LONG AS YOU LIVE,

WHICH WON'T BE LONG!

I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK, MAN. I'LL CALL YOU RIGHT BACK.

- JOHN, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE DRIFTING APART.

- [sniffles] WE ARE?

- OH--

- OH, I THOUGHT--[laughs] THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

- OH! [both laughing]

- STOP IT!

[laughter subsides]

- I DON'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE.

[inner tube thumps]

[heart monitor beeping] - I'M LOOKING FOR A NICE MAN

WHO HAS HEALTH CARE,

LOTS AND LOTS OF SWEET, DELICIOUS HEALTH CARE.

I REALLY--UGH. [sustained beep]

- SCALPEL, RIB SPREADERS.

[quiet Chinese music]

[grunts] GONNA HAVE TO MASSAGE THE HEART.

- OH, SHE'S HEMORRHAGING! DOCTOR, STOP IT!

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

HER H.M.O. DOESN'T COVER HEART MASSAGES.

- OH. WELL, SWEET.

- OH.

[loud rock music]

¶

[electronic dance music]

¶

- JUST FOLLOW MY LEAD. I KNOW HOW TO TALK TO HUNKS.

HEY, CHAD.

HEY. HEY, CHAD.

CHAD, CHAD, CHAD, CHAD, CHAD

CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD--

CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-CHAD-- - OH, MY GOD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, LIKE,

GO TO THE BALL PIT AT THE FUN PALACE,

AND I'LL, LIKE, THINK I'M GRABBING A PLASTIC BALL,

BUT IT WILL BE, LIKE, YOUR FLESHY BALL,

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "OH, NO!"

BUT YOU'LL LIKE IT, AND BE LIKE--

- NO.

BETH, YOU ARE A BONER TERRORIST.

YOU ARE THE OSAMA BONE-LADEN OF BONER TERRORISTS.

- YOUR LOSS, CHAD.

CALL ME WHEN YOU WANT A REAL WOMAN.

SERIOUSLY, CALL ME. I'LL BE WAITING.

- HE'S A LOSER ANYWAY. - YOU'RE A LOSER.

YOU TOTALLY COCK-BLOCKED MY GAME, YOU BITCH.

- I'M SORRY.

- OH, MY GOD, OF COURSE.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS NOW.

- WE'RE GONNA HAVE SO MANY BONERS.

- LIKE, A MILLION BONERS.

- CAN I HELP YOU GIRLS WITH ANYTHING?

- UM, YEAH.

WHICH ONE OF THESE GIVES THE MOST BONERS?

- WELL, I'M NOT SURE THIS LINE WILL HAVE YOUR,

UM, SIZE.

HAVE YOU GIRLS THOUGHT OF SHOPPING

AT THE PLUMP AND PLENTIFUL?

- HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF SHOPPING AT THE, UM,

I'LL F-ING KILL YOU STORE?!

I'M A REAL WOMAN!

NOW, SHOW ME WHERE THE CHANGING ROOMS ARE.

[grunts]

WHAT THE "F."

IT'S LIKE THESE ARE MEANT FOR SKELETOR.

- UGH, THIS IS GONNA BE THE WORST SHOPPING MONTAGE EVER.

[dance music]

- ¶ YOU GOT YOUR ITTY BITTY THONG ¶

¶ AND YOUR HIGH HEELS ARE ON

¶ YOU'RE SEXY AND YOU KNOW IT

¶ GOT JUNK IN THE TRUNK, AND YOU WANT TO SHOW IT ¶

¶ HEY, LITTLE DIDDLE DIDDLE

¶ LITTLE WIGGLE 'ROUND THE MIDDLE ¶

¶ AND YOU NEED A LITTLE MORE SO YOU WIGGLE WHEN YOU GIGGLE ¶

[music slows]

- HEY, BETH, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK WE'RE READY TO MAKE SOME BONERS HAPPEN.

[bell rings]

HEY, CHAD.

YOU NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT,

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE SEXIER?

- BETH, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME...

[elastic creaking]

OW!

- OH, NO! CHAD, MY LOVE, ARE YOU OKAY?

- GET AWAY FROM ME!

- NO, BUT CHAD, I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU BONERS.

[metallic slice]

I CALL THE BOTTOM HALF.

[phone rings] - HELLO, TRIP TANK.

- YEAH, HI. UM, ME AGAIN.

UM, I'VE GOT A COUPLE FINGERS HERE, ON ICE.

THIS IS A TWO-FOR-ONE THING.

UM, THERE'S A LEFT AND A RIGHT FINGER,

UH, AND YOU CAN HAVE THEM FOR $500 FOR TWO.

- YOU ARE THE SCARIEST SON OF A BITCH I'VE EVER TALKED TO

ON THE PHONE, BUT THAT'S THE BEST DEAL I'VE EVER HEARD.

I'LL TAKE IT.

[rock music]

[rock music]

[Russian music]

¶

[Spanish music]

¶

[Egyptian music]

¶

[rock music]

- [snorts]

- SIR?

- OOH, LET'S DELIVER SOME MOTHER[bleep] PRESENTS!

[traditional Chinese music]

¶

all: WE ARE THE 99%! WE ARE THE...

- I AM THE 99%,

AND I WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY

THAT ISN'T AS OPPRESSIVE AS THE UNITED STATES OF SUCK!

- OKAY, PRETTY PLEASE, THIS TIME, WITH A CHERRY ON TOP?

JUST, YOU KNOW, GO ON AND GET BACK TO ART SCHOOL

AND YOUR JOBS AT THE COFFEE SHOP OR WHATEVER.

- OH, SUCK MY [bleep].

- COME ON, LADY. THAT HURTS. THAT REALLY HURTS.

- IF YOU LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE YOU DON'T HAVE TO DEAL

WITH GOOSE-STEPPING GOVERNMENT PUPPETS LIKE THAT BAG OF DICKS,

THEN HIT ME UP, AND LET'S CHANGE THE WORLD.

#IHATEMYDAD.

- YEAH! WHOO-HOO!

[all chanting]

- OH...

[backwards speech]

[rock music]

[bell rings]

- [groans]

[hard rock music]

¶

[phone rings] - SPEAK AT ME, MINION.

- YEAH, HI, HI.

MY NAME IS DAN. I'M A FATHER OF THREE.

I JUST WALKED IN ON MY KIDS WATCHING YOUR SHOW.

THE AMOUNT OF MASTURBATION ON YOUR SHOW FLOORS ME!

IT FLOORS ME! BOBBY, STOP IT!

STOP MASTURBATING!

YOU DID THAT, BEN. YOU DID THAT.

THAT'S ON YOU.

[traditional Chinese music]

¶

- I GUESS I'M LOOKING FOR WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE.

LOVE, LAUGHTER, A PERSON TO GROW OLD WITH.

BUT MEN IN AMERICA CAN JUST BE A BIT NARROW-MINDED.

REALLY, I CAN'T BLAME THEM.

I MEAN, TWO WOMEN CAN BE A HANDFUL. [chuckles]

- [spits] WHA--?

- LINNY, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES AND COME IN HERE.

[goofy voice] HELLO. I'M LINNY.

SERIOUSLY, BITCH?

YOU'RE GONNA DO THAT?

LIKE, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

WHAT? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

UM, YOU JUST EYE-HUMPED HIM LIKE HE WAS A SPRUCE CHANNING TATUM.

DID NOT. BECCA, I SWEAR TO GOD!

YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!

IT JUST MAKES ME SO THIRSTY!

PSST, HEY, YOU, SHE'S CRAZY.

SHE KILLED HER LAST HUSBAND.

OH, LORD JESUS IN HEAVEN, IT WAS AWFUL.

SHE USED HIS BLOOD TO PAINT MY LIPS FOR, CHRIST SAKE.

WHO DOES THAT?

OH, MY GOSH. SHE'S COMING BACK.

SAVE YOURSELF. RUN!

[metal music]

[organ music]

- ARGH. [drill whirring]

- [crying]

EH?

YAH! [funky rock music]

- HUH?

- RAH. [beeps]

- AH, AH! AHH! AHH!

AHH!

[grinding]

[metal music]

¶

[electronic music]

- [blowing]

WELCOME TO CHINA, MY LOVE.

[pops, air hissing] OH, NO!

[phone rings] - R.W. SPEAKING.

- WHAT'S UP, R.W.? THIS IS R.W.

WHO? - YOU, MAN.

- ME? - ROY, IT'S ROY.

- GRANDPA, IS THAT YOU?

- HELL, NO, DUMMY.

IT'S ME, ROY W. FROM THE FUTURE.

- WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE, MAN. WE'RE BOTH ROY.

- YOU? - ME?

- HELL, YEAH. LOOK HERE, ROY, THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT, MAN.

GOT THE COUNTACH, WE GOT THE BABES, MAN.

YOU GOT TO SAVE BEN RIGHT NOW.

HE'S IN THE BACK OF THAT TRUCK

WITH THAT FINGER-CLIPPING MANIAC.

- GOD, THESE ARE BEN'S FINGERS?

OH, MY GOD, HE'S GONNA BE SO BUMMED.

HE'S GONNA HAVE TWO LESS FINGERS TO SPANK IT WITH.

- ROY. - YES, ROY.

- OUR FUTURE DEPENDS ON YOU, DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

- HOW DO I FIND HIM, ROY?

- COME ON, ROY. I'M FROM THE FUTURE.

ROY, ROY, ROY. HELP, HELP, HELP. BEN, BEN, BEN.

[ethereal zapping]

- HELL, YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY.

- GO GET HIM, ROY!

[music box music]

- HEY, GRANDMA, WHAT YOU MAKING?

- OH NOTHING, ANTHONY. NOTHING AT ALL.

[alarm sounding]

MONEY IN THE BAG, [bleep]SUCKER!

OH, YEAH, BITCHES!

[gunshot]

[phone rings]

- HI, HELLO?

UH, ANYONE THERE?

- HEY, BUDDY.

[chuckles] OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.

WE CAN SEW THEM THINGS BACK ON. I HAD 'EM ON ICE.

- HELLO?

HELLO?

I CAN HEAR YOU BREATHING.

[raucous rock music]

¶