Original subtitles

- [panting]

[chuckling]

CANNONBALL!

[cannon booms]

splort!

- [screaming]

[gunfire]

- [screaming]

[pulsing electronic music]

- OKAY, THAT'S ALL MY STUFF.

READY TO GO.

- TAKE CARE AT UNIVERSITY, SON.

YOU'RE A MAN NOW.

- DAD?

ARE YOU CRYING?

- NO, SON, I'VE JUST--

I'VE JUST GOT SOMETHING IN MY EYE.

OH!

- [sniffling]

WHAT A GREAT POP.

- I'M AFRAID IT'S EYE CANCER.

[phone rings]

- HELLO, TRIPTANK. - YO, WHAT'S UP?

IS THIS TRIP? - UH, THIS IS TRIPTANK.

- YO, IS THIS TRIP? - NO TRIP, JUST TRIPTANK.

- HEY, YO, IS TRIP THERE?

- CAN I ASK WHAT THIS IS REGARDING?

- OKAY, BASICALLY, I FOUND THIS PHONE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

IT SAYS "TRIP" AND IT'S GOT THIS NUMBER,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO TELL YOUR BOY TRIP I GOT HIS PHONE,

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SO HIT ME BACK IF YOUR BOY WANTS THE PHONE.

- OKAY, HOW 'BOUT I TAKE A MESSAGE FOR HIM?

- I GOT TO JET.

I GOT A DVD BOX SET OF DAWSON'S CREEK

I'M TRYING TO WATCH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

OLD-SCHOOL MICHELLE WILLIAMS, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

SPANK BANK STYLE, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[truck horn blares]

- WELL, IT WAS A NIGHT LIKE ANY OTHER,

EXCEPT I HAD JUST TAKEN MUSHROOMS

FOR THE FIRST TIME,

AND I WAS TRIPPIN' MY GODDAMN BALLS OFF.

OHH...

- COME IN, WALLY. WHAT'S YOUR 20, GOOD BUDDY?

- YEAH, I'M TRAVELING DOWN HIGHWAY 60.

I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK TOO SOON, BUT I'M THINKING

I MADE IT OUT OF GREMLIN TERRITORY.

- [snarls] - [screams]

NO!

YOU SCARY LITTLE SON OF A BITCH.

AND AS I SAT THERE,

GAZING INTO MY BEADY LITTLE EYES,

WHAT I REALIZED WAS THAT I WAS ABOUT TO DISCOVER

THE MEANING OF LIFE.

MOONBEAMS.

LOOK AT THEM SILLY GUMDROPS.

- ALOHA, WALLY.

- GIVE PAPA A LITTLE PEEK.

- MMM, OH, WALLY.

- IT WAS SHAPING UP TO BE QUITE THE NIGHT,

BUT THE NEXT THING I KNEW...

[police siren wailing]

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

OH, GOD DANGIT!

OH, OH, OH, OH!

OH, MY GOD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

GET OUT OF THE WAY!

WELL, MOVE YOUR WHEELCHAIR!

OH, MY GOD, A STROLLER.

NO!

[screaming]

OH, SON OF A BITCH.

- PERCENT OFF TODAY ON ALL-- OH, MY GOD!

[voice distorting] OH, MY GOD!

[explosion booms]

[truck horn blares]

[emergency sirens wailing]

- AND THAT, MY FRIEND,

WAS THE LAST TIME I EVER DID TRY MUSHROOMS.

I CAN'T SAY I REGRET IT THOUGH.

I MEAN, I BELIEVE IT IS IMPORTANT

TO BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS.

HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE LEARNED TO LIVE AMONGST THE GRIZZLIES?

WOULD YOU PASS THE POTATOES, DARLIN'?

- [roars]

- OH, BUT THAT'S A STORY FOR ANOTHER NIGHT.

AU REVOIR, [bleep].

[cell phone vibrates]

- HEY, HOW'S IT GOING?

I-I CAN'T REALLY TALK RIGHT NOW.

- OOH, BABY, LAST NIGHT WAS SO AMAZING.

- YEAH, NO, IT WAS COMPLETELY AMAZING,

BUT I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW.

- WE GOING OUT TONIGHT, RIGHT?

ME, YOU, AND MY COO COO,

WE GONNA HAVE US A LITTLE THREESOME.

- YEAH, NO, DEFINITELY BRING YOUR FRIEND ALONG.

- I HAD TO CALL YOU

'CAUSE MY COO COO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

- REALLY? [chuckles]

- YOU WANT TO TALK TO HER?

- OKAY, OKAY, PUT HER ON.

HELLO, MY LITTLE SWEETIE CUPCAKE.

ARE YOU LONELY?

DO YOU MISS ME, LITTLE CUPCAKE?

- HA, YEAH, COCOA BUTTER.

SLOW IT DOWN. ROMANCE THE STONE.

- DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

GET THE [bleep] OUT OF HERE.

[rock music]

- HEY, WOMEN. HAVE YOU EVER HAD THIS PROBLEM?

[urine splashing loudly]

AND I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT

SECRETLY BEING FILMED WHILE PEEING.

YOU SEE, AS MEN, WE HAVE THE OPTION

TO EITHER PEE INTO THE WATER, CAUSING HORRIBLE NOISE,

OR JUST SIMPLY PEE ON THE PORCELAIN,

WHICH IS JUST-- OH, MY GOD,

IT'S SERENITY.

YOU MAY THINK, WELL, IT'S INEVITABLE, THE SOUNDS.

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, HONEY, AND I KNOW.

I'M A FEMINIST. [chuckles]

NO MORE OF THESE SMALL HOUSE PARTIES

WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM

AND YOU KNOW EVERYONE IS LISTENING

TO YOUR LITTLE DROPLETS.

NO MORE COLLEAGUES MAKING SNIDE REMARKS

AT YOUR EXPENSE.

[toilet flushing]

- HEY, MARY, DID YOU HAVE A HORSE

THERE IN WITH YOU?

- W-WHAT? - SURE SOUNDED LIKE IT.

NOW HIGH-FIVE ME.

- NO.

- WHAT YOU WAITING FOR?

- [sighs] - YEAH.

- NO MORE OF THESE BLACKMAIL SITUATIONS.

- [raspily] HEY, I GOT A RECORDING OF YOU PEEING.

- OH, MY GOD, JUST TAKE MY SON.

- THE PEE SLIDE IS BASICALLY A SILLY STRAW FOR YOUR PEE.

SO YOU JUST PUT IT IN THE TOILET

AND GO TO TOWN.

WACKY TOWN.

DON'T TAKE MY WORD FOR IT. IT'S MINE.

- I BOUGHT THIS FOR MY GIRL ON V-DAY.

SHE LOVES IT. IT'S HER FAVORITE HOBBY NOW.

- AND CLEANING IT CAN'T BE SIMPLER.

JUST USE A TOOTHBRUSH AND SCRUB FOR A LONG TIME.

PURCHASE NOW AND YOU WILL ALSO RECEIVE

THIS GREAT FASHIONABLE CARRYING BAG

SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR PEE SLIDE ANYWHERE YOU GO.

CAMPING, YOUR OWN WEDDING--

IT'S OKAY. HE'S COOL WITH IT.

ALL OF THAT GREAT VALUE FOR-- HOW MUCH WOULD YOU SAY?

600 BUCKS? NO.

'CAUSE IT'S ACTUALLY $650 INCLUDING SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

[rhythmic rock music]

¶

- [in sing-song voice] FOR YOU.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILLY.

BLOW OUT THE CANDLES.

- [blows]

I WISH SOMEONE CAME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY

BESIDES MY MOM.

- [laughs]

- OH, LILLY.

- [smooching]

- [yells]

[pounding at door] - [gasps]

OOH, THAT MUST BE CHOMP.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THERE'S A DATING SITE

THAT LETS YOU FIND GUYS RIGHT IN YOUR OWN NEIGHBORHOOD?

[alarm beeping]

- MOM, THAT'S THE SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY.

- WHAT? I HOPE HE OFFENDS ME.

[laughs]

- I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT, YOU KNOW, IT'S TUESDAY,

SO I WAS HUFFING PAINT OUT OF A HOBO'S ASS.

MAN, METH LAB WENT "BOOM!" YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING 'BOUT?

OH, WHOA, HEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KID.

- CHOMP, THAT IS SO SWEET.

BYE, BILLY.

- OH, GIRL. - [moaning]

- OH, YOU TASTE LIKE A WARRANT SONG.

[laughing]

[rock music playing]

- YOU'RE LEAVING ME ALL ALONE ON MY BIRTHDAY?

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.

[grunting and groaning]

SPOOGE!

- FINALLY!

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE TO MASTURBATE

FOR THE FIRST TIME?

- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

- I AM THE DICK GENIE.

I GRANT YOU A WISH EVERY TIME YOU RUB ONE OUT.

YOU KNOW SOME GENIES, THEY GET TO BE IN A BOTTLE.

I'M IN YOUR DICK.

- BUT I DON'T WANT SOME WEIRD JERK-OFF GENIE.

- OKAY, I WILL GRANT YOU EVERY SINGLE WISH.

I CAN MURDER YOUR ENEMIES, BEHEADINGS.

I'LL DO THIRD TRIMESTER ABORTIONS.

- I CAN FINALLY GET WHATEVER I WANT.

- JUST REMEMBER TO USE YOUR POWER RESPONSIBLY,

OR ELSE YOUR HANDS WILL CLAW AT YOUR PENIS

UNTIL IT'S RAW AND CRUSTY.

- [gulps]

- NOW, MAKE A WISH SO I CAN FLY BACK UP YOUR PEEHOLE.

- I WISH I WERE INVITED TO THE PARTY NEXT DOOR.

- JIZZ-AM!

- BEFORE, I'D NEVER HAVE A CHANCE WITH LILLY.

NOW, ME AND MY BONER ARE UNSTOPPABLE.

- DUDE.

[rock music]

- HEY.

- YOU SOUNDS LIKE A GAY PERSON.

- WHAT? WHY--

- YOU ARE SO GAY.

- SIR, I PROMISE YOU, I AM NOT--

- GAY. - I AM NOT--

- GAY. - I AM NOT--

- GAY. - NO, I'M NOT--

- GAY. - I'M TELLING YOU, I'M--

- GAY. - STOP!

I KEEP TELLING YOU...

[voice distorting] I AM NOT GAY.

[creepy music, laughter]

- LESBIAN. - WHAT THE...

[rock music]

¶

- I WISH LILLY WERE MY GIRLFRIEND.

DICK GENIE, WHY AREN'T YOU COMING OUT?

OH, LILLY, LILLY.

- WHO'S IN MY ROOM?

[screams]

OH, MY GOD.

HE'S MASTURBATING TO JUSTIN BIEBER!

[all gasping in shock]

- IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

I WAS WHACKING IT TO YOU.

- DUDE, THAT'S MY GIRLFRIEND, AND THAT'S MY FAVORITE SINGER.

[yells]

- DICK GENIE, HELP.

- SICK, DUDE.

- LEAVE BILLY ALONE!

- DUDE, WAS THAT YOUR-- - [grunts]

- OW, SPOOGE!

- YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

- HEY, NO, CHOMP SAID "NO."

NO MEANS NO. - [yells]

- I WANT TO TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!

- CHOMP!

- [screams]

- YEAH, I DON'T THINK

SHE WANTS TO GO OUT WITH YOU ANYMORE, DUDE.

YOU FROSTED HER BOYFRIEND'S FACE.

WEIRD MOVE.

- WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG BACK THERE?

- WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO FINISH.

GETS SO LONELY IN YOUR TESTES.

[phone rings]

- TRIPTANK, HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

- HI, THERE. MY NAME'S TED ALEXANDER.

I'M A YOUTH PASTOR WITH FRIENDS OF CHILDREN UNITED.

I DON'T USUALLY MAKE THESE CALLS,

BUT I AM HORRIFIED BY HOW DISGUSTING YOUR SHOW IS.

IT IS CORRUPTING MY FLOCK OF CHILDREN.

I AM THE SHEPHERD OF A FLOCK OF PLUMP, FAT BABIES,

AND IF YOU'VE EVER TASTED A CORRUPTED CHILD,

THEN YOU KNOW IT'S THE WORST TASTE ON EARTH.

A CHILD SHOULD TASTE LIKE A ROASTED RAINBOW.

YOU GUYS ARE RUINING THE TASTE OF KIDS ACROSS THIS COUNTRY.

[cell phone vibrates]

- HOLD, PLEASE. HEY, WHAT'S UP, CUTIE?

- OOH, BABY, I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT TONIGHT.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON IT ALL DAY.

GOT ALMOST EVERYTHING WAXED,

BUT I STILL LEFT A LITTLE GRASS DOWN THERE FOR YOU TO PLAY IN.

- NO, IT SOUNDS VERY-- IT'LL BE GREAT.

- EVEN GOT SOMETHING PIERCED JUST FOR YOU.

WE GONNA PLAY JINGLE BELLS.

- JINGLING BELLS, I LOVE JINGLING BELLS.

- CONSTRUCTION.

- [whistles]

- PATRIOTISM.

- WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

[explosion booms]

- LEPROSY.

- [groans]

- MAKING A NEW FRIEND.

[dog barking] - [screams]

- BETTING ON A SLOW HORSE.

- [cheering] [buzzer sounds]

AH!

- DRUNKEN SUSHI MAKING.

EXPLORING A MYSTERY HOLE.

- [screaming]

- DRAWING THE SHORT STRAW.

- [cheers]

- TARDINESS.

- [screams]

- DISCO FEVER.

SELF-LOATHING.

- YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A BUM.

GET OVER HERE.

- PETTING AN ADORABLE LITTLE BLACK HOLE.

- [belches]

- FORGETTING IT ON TOP OF YOUR CAR.

LEPRECHAUNS.

[high-pitched laughter]

AND HUBCAP FRISBEE.

[eagle shrieks]

- [screams]

- GENTLEMEN, THE COMPANY IS IN SHAMBLES.

OUR SHARE PRICE IS IN THE TOILET,

AND MORALE IS AT AN ALL-TIME LOW.

BANKRUPTCY IS LOOKING AT US STRAIGHT IN THE FACE.

- [whistling]

- APPARENTLY, SOMEONE'S DOING ALL RIGHT.

- UGH, THAT IDIOT ROBERTSON, WHEN WE ARE DOING BADLY,

HE SEEMS TO BE DOING WELL.

- IF ONLY THE INVERSE WERE TRUE.

- HMM, YOU MAY BE ON TO SOMETHING THERE.

ROBERTSON, A WORD?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK A SICK DAY?

- WELL, I WAS OUT WITH A KIDNEY STONE ON THE NINTH.

- UH-HUH.

SYLVIA, A CUP OF COFFEE FOR ROBERTSON.

HOLD THE CREAM.

- [yelps]

[coffee sizzling] - [screams]

- UP 2%.

- THAT WILL BE ALL, ROBERTSON.

[excited chatter]

- WE SHOULD PADDLE HIM.

- PEEL HIS SKIN LIKE AN ONION.

- WE COULD INJECT SOMETHING INTO HIS EYES,

SOMETHING THAT STINGS.

- BOIL HIM IN AN ONION STEW.

- CUT OFF HIS LEGS.

- DIP HIS TESTICLES IN ACID.

- MIGHT I SUGGEST A RAID?

- GREAT SUGGESTIONS, PEOPLE, BUT WE MUST PACE OURSELVES.

SYLVIA, ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

[upbeat fun music]

[cash register chiming]

¶

[flies buzzing]

¶

[grunting]

¶

- [laughs jubilantly]

[chuckling]

[car engine turning over]

[laughs]

YES!

[razor buzzes]

¶

[chuckling]

¶

- [gasps]

[dish crashes] - [crying]

- OH, MARVELOUS. MARVELOUS.

[all chuckling]

- THE ROBERTSON DIVORCE HAS US AT AN ALL-TIME HIGH.

- LOOK, EVERYONE, ROBERTSON'S GOING TO JUMP.

[all grumbling, muttering]

[Robertson crashes]

[car alarm wailing]

- TO THE BEST DAMNED EMPLOYEE WE'VE EVER HAD.

- THE STOCK, IT'S PLUMMETING.

DOWN 40%.

- HE'S NO LONGER IN PAIN IF HE'S DEAD.

- TO DIE, TO SLEEP, TO SLEEP, PERCHANCE TO DREAM.

- OH, 125%, 3,000%?

- LET ME SEE THAT.

OH, SON OF A BITCH.

- UP 2%.

[upbeat fun music]

[electronic rock music]

[upbeat rock music]

[sad music]

- [coughs]

NURSE, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?

- I DON'T KNOW,

BUT YOU'LL FIND OUT VERY SOON, BILLY.

NOW, GET SOME REST.

YOU DON'T WANT TO BE TIRED FOR HEAVEN.

- BUT I ALWAYS WISHED I COULD GO TO PARIS

AND SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER.

NURSE?

OH.

- DID SOMEBODY SAY, "THE EIFFEL TOWER?"

- [gasps] GARY THE WHEELCHAIR?

- HOP ON!

LET'S GO SEE THE WORLD.

WHEE!

- WHOA!

WOW, THE EIFFEL TOWER.

OH, GARY, CAN WE SIT ON THE VERY TOP OF THE TOWER?

- SURE.

OH, HEY, WHAT'S THAT?

OH, NO, YOU DON'T NEED ALCOHOL ANYMORE, GARY,

AND THAT'S WHY YOU'RE A WHEELCHAIR NOW, REMEMBER?

[dreamy harp music]

I'M OKAY TO DRIVE.

OOH, ONE MORE WON'T HURT.

HUH? [tires squealing]

[truck crashing] - [screams]

MY LEGS! [crying]

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

[dreamy harp music]

- GARY?

- UH--OH, NO.

NO, I GOT TO STAY STRONG.

- GARY, IT'S HOT UP HERE.

I'M THIRSTY.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. SCREW IT.

HOLD ON, KID.

WHEE!

[club music]

BEEP, BEEP, COMING THROUGH. - WHOA!

- HEY, TOOTS, NEED A SEAT?

¶

- [groaning] GARY?

- [coughing]

HEY, DADDY BOY, WANT A LAP DANCE?

[coughing]

- OKAY, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE.

- WHEE, HOLD ON, BILLY!

COMING THROUGH. LOOK OUT.

HI, GIRLS.

¶

YEAH, GIRL.

I WISH I COULD THANK YOUR DADDY FOR MESSING YOU UP SO GOOD.

SHAKE THAT. MMM.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

- GARY, CAN WE GO TO THE TOWER NOW?

- OKAY, JUST ONE MORE DRINK.

- [coughs]

YOU READY FOR YOUR LAP DANCE?

- ALMOST GOT IT.

- [straining for breath]

- [gasps] YOU KILLED HER, GARY!

- UH, QUICK, KID, GRAB THIS BOTTLE

AND POUR THE BUBBLY DOWN GARY'S THROAT.

- BUT-- - JUST DO IT!

SHOW ME HOW STRONG THOSE LITTLE FINGERTIPS ARE.

[champagne bubbling]

- [burps]

[flies buzzing]

- GARY, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE?

- THAT DEPENDS ON YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS,

BUT STRIPPERS PREFER TO BE SHOVED UNDER A COUCH.

[grunting]

[sighs]

NOW, LET'S GET YOU HOME.

WHEE!

[snores]

- GARY, LOOK OUT!

- UH, WHEE!

- I'M ALL ITCHY, GARY.

- OH, THOSE ARE CALLED CRABS, KIDDO,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL THEM, STRIPPER FLEAS.

- BILLY WATSON, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR MURDER.

WE FOUND YOUR FINGERPRINTS ALL OVER THE MURDER WEAPON.

- BILLY, HOW COULD YOU?

- BUT IT WASN'T ME!

TELL THEM, GARY.

- UM, I BLACKED OUT.

SORRY, I DON'T REMEMBER A THING.

SEE, BILLY,

AND THAT'S THE DANGERS OF DRINKING ALCOHOL.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER.

WHEE!

[cell phone vibrates]

- HEY. - YOU READY FOR TONIGHT?

- I, UM...

- UM? I KNOW YOU DIDN'T "UM" ME.

DON'T BE TRYING TO PULL OUT NOW.

YOU KNOW I LIKES TO PENETRATE.

WE GOING TONIGHT IF I HAVE TO COME OVER THERE

AND PUT YOU IN HANDCUFFS AND DRAG YOUR ASS

LIKE THE POLICE DRAGGED MY COUSIN TYRELL.

YOU WILL BE SITTING THERE HANDCUFFED AND DEPRESSED.

I'M A BAD BITCH.

YOU AIN'T GONNA PULL BACK ON ME.

[smooching]

- WE HAVE TO BE QUICK.

MY WIFE'S GOING TO BE HOME FROM WORK SOON.

- WELL THEN, LET ME SLIP INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

[suspenseful music]

- HOLY SHIT!

FREDDY KRUEGER?

PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.

- OH, I'M NOT HERE TO KILL YOU, BILL.

I'M HERE TO GET YOU OFF.

[sexy pop music] [zipper opening]

- OH, NO.

YES.

OH... [groans]

[screaming]

- OH, GROSS, YOU HAD A WET DREAM?

- IT WASN'T A WET DREAM.

IT WAS A WET NIGHTMARE.

FREDDY KRUEGER WAS GOING DOWN ON ME.

- ICK. WHATEVER, HONEY. EW.

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

[dreamy harp music]

- OH, YEAH, TWO CHICKS ON THE BEACH IN HAWAII,

MY HOTTEST FANTASY.

- WHY DON'T YOU WAIT HERE WHILE WE OIL OURSELVES UP

BEHIND THESE PALM TREES?

[thunder crashes]

- OH, SHIT!

IT'S FREDDY AGAIN.

- ACTUALLY, IT'S YOUR HOTTEST FANTASY,

TWO FREDDIES ON THE BEACH IN HAWAII.

[sexy pop music] [zipper opening]

- [groaning]

[screams]

- EW, TWO WET DREAMS IN ONE NIGHT?

- WET NIGHTMARES.

OH, GOD, PLEASE, SARAH.

DON'T LET ME GO BACK TO SLEEP.

FREDDY'S GONNA ORGASM ME TO DEATH.

- OKAY, AND WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?

- YOU'VE SEEN HIS MOVIES.

HE LIKES TO GET CREATIVE WHEN HE KILLS PEOPLE,

WHICH HE IS TRYING TO DO TO ME WITH HIS MOUTH.

- WELL, YOU CAN NEVER GET IT UP TWICE FOR ME,

SO I'M TAKING THIS AS AN INSULT.

[solemn suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

- OH, NO, ANOTHER HOT FANTASY,

TRAPPED ON THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION WITH NOWHERE TO GO

AND THREE HOT SPACE STEWARDESSES.

- CAPTAIN, US GIRLS ARE GOING TO GO INTO THE SLEEP CHAMBER

AND CHANGE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE.

- NO, I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!

YOU'RE ALL GONNA TURN INTO FREDDY KRUEGERS

AND BLOW ME TO DEATH.

- WE'RE BACK, CAPTAIN,

AND WE'RE WAY MORE COMFORTABLE.

- COMFORTABLE FOR SEX.

- YOU'RE STILL HOT SPACE STEWARDESSES?

NOT FREDDIES?

OH, YEAH!

TIME FOR AN EXTRATERRESTRIAL MENAGE A TROIS.

[sexy pop music]

- OOH.

OH, YEAH.

CAPTAIN, WHY AREN'T WE TURNING YOU ON?

AREN'T WE SEXY ENOUGH?

- UM, YEAH.

LOOK, YOU ARE ALL TOTALLY SO SEXY,

BUT WOULD YOU MIND MAYBE WEARING STRIPED SHIRTS AND FEDORAS?

MAYBE SOME KNIFE HANDS, YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.

[screams]

- IT'S OKAY, BILL.

YOU WERE JUST HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

- NOT ANYMORE I'M NOT, FREDDY.

- COME HERE, YOU.

[sexy pop music]

[phone rings]

- YOU'VE REACHED TRIPTANK.

- HEY, I WATCH YOUR SKETCHES ALL THE TIME, YOU KNOW,

AND YOU HAVE NO SKETCHES ABOUT CATS ON THERE.

WHAT THE [bleep] THE PROBLEM WITH CATS?

WHAT DO YOU GOT AGAINST CATS?

I LOVE [bleep] CATS.

I LIVE AT HOME. I SMOKE POT.

I PET MY CAT. I SCRATCH MY NUTS.

THAT'S WHAT I DO ALL DAY.

I WILL NOT WATCH AN EPISODE OF YOUR [bleep] SHOW NO MORE

UNLESS YOU PUT ON [bleep] CATS.

[cell phone vibrates]

- HOLD, PLEASE.

HEY, HONEY, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OH, MY GOD, I'M ABOUT TO CALL 911

'CAUSE KEYOSHA DOWN AT HAIR PLUS

JUST HAIR MINUSED MY HAIR.

- WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED?

- WELL, SHE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE-D MY SCALP.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

- OKAY. - I DO WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!

OH, MY GOD, HOW COULD YOU JUST SAY "OKAY?"

[continues yelling]

- ¶ UH-HUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH ¶

OOH, OOH, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

GET SOME OF THAT.

BRO'S A SMOOTH OPERATOR.

- ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?

- [screaming]

- BILL, SWEETIE, IT'S OKAY.

YOU WERE JUST HAVING A NIGHTMARE.

- MY GOD, IT WAS AWFUL.

I HAD A DREAM THAT YOU WERE FREDDY KRUEGER,

AND YOU WERE IN BED WITH ME, AND I LIKED IT.

[chuckles] PRETTY SILLY, HUH?

- OH, YOU.

YES, IT CERTAINLY IS.

I'M NOT FREDDY.

YOU'RE FREDDY!

[suspenseful music]

- NO!

[sexy pop music]

[rock music]

[upbeat rock music]

- ¶ THROW THE DICE

¶ SPIN THE WHEEL

¶ TAKE A CHANCE ON ME, BABY

¶ I'M A REAL BIG DEAL

¶ JOKER IN THE PACK

¶ ACE IN THE HOLE

¶ DOUBLE -- splat!