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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,969 --> 00:00:04,669 - WOULD YOU LIKE A HAPPY ENDING 2 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,342 TO YOUR MASSAGE? 3 00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:09,110 - UH--[chuckles] WHAT? 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,210 UH, SURE. 5 00:00:10,211 --> 00:00:13,611 - THIS MAN IS YOUR BIRTH FATHER! 6 00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:14,984 - OH, WOW. 7 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:17,482 NOT WHAT I WAS EXPECTING BUT, UM, 8 00:00:17,485 --> 00:00:18,545 THIS IS PRETTY COOL. 9 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,522 UH, HOW ARE YOU, SIR? 10 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:24,591 - I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A HAND JOB. 11 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:27,692 [upbeat music] 12 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:28,825 ¶ 13 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,459 - AND I WAS LIKE, "SORRY, MAN. 14 00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:33,374 I JUST WASTED MY LAST MIRACLE ON A DUCK." 15 00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:36,567 [laughter] 16 00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:37,300 - ALL RIGHT, GUYS. 17 00:00:37,304 --> 00:00:38,904 I'VE, UH, GOT US SOME MORE WATER. 18 00:00:38,906 --> 00:00:40,966 - [laughs] EXCELLENT. 19 00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:43,535 - UH, JESUS, IF, UH, YOU'LL DO THE HONORS? 20 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,054 - [chuckles] DON'T MIND IF I DO. 21 00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:47,107 [clears throat] 22 00:00:47,114 --> 00:00:50,024 [musical chimes] DING, DING, DING, DI-- 23 00:00:50,017 --> 00:00:52,547 OH, [bleep], I TOUCHED HIS HAND INSTEAD. 24 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,453 - [groans] - W-WHAT DOES-- 25 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,824 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? WHAT DID YOU JUST DO? 26 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:57,523 - I JUST TURNED ALL THE WATER 27 00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,755 IN HIS BODY INTO RED WINE. 28 00:00:59,760 --> 00:01:01,860 - WELL, HOW MUCH WATER WAS IN HIS BODY? 29 00:01:01,862 --> 00:01:03,362 - DUDE, PEOPLE ARE MADE OF, LIKE, 30 00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,504 70% WATER OR SOMETHING. 31 00:01:05,499 --> 00:01:07,929 - SO--SO YOU JUST TURNED 70% 32 00:01:07,935 --> 00:01:10,695 OF HIS BIOLOGICAL MAKE-UP INTO WINE? 33 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,374 - [groans] - Y-YES. 34 00:01:12,373 --> 00:01:13,813 - WELL, [bleep] CHANGE HIM BACK! 35 00:01:13,808 --> 00:01:16,738 - I DON'T KNOW HOW! - WELL, WHO DOES? 36 00:01:16,744 --> 00:01:19,384 - UM, UM, SATAN MAYBE? 37 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,510 - THEN CALL HIM! 38 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,824 - RIGHT, RIGHT. YUP, YUP, YUP, YUP. 39 00:01:22,817 --> 00:01:26,817 - HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD. 40 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,420 - [sighs] 41 00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,324 [phone ringing] 42 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,856 - TRIPTANK. HOW CAN I HELP YOU? 43 00:01:33,861 --> 00:01:35,361 - I'M VERY ANGRY AT A LOT OF THINGS, 44 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:38,632 BUT YOU HAVE TOPPED MY [bleep] LIST, TRIPTANK! 45 00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,932 IS THAT A TANK I'M SUPPOSED TO TRIP IN? 46 00:01:40,935 --> 00:01:42,565 YOU GOT SOME KIND OF L.S.D. 47 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,340 L.C.D. HIPPY SHIT GOIN' ON? 48 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,568 I WILL FIND YOU AND I WILL SLIT EVERY ONE 49 00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:49,074 OF YOUR THROATS WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE. 50 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:51,006 - LET ME TRANSFER YOU TO THAT DEPARTMENT. 51 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:51,741 HOLD, PLEASE. 52 00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,175 - WOULDN'T TAKE ANY OF THEIR BARBARIAN BULLSHIT. 53 00:01:53,180 --> 00:01:54,310 - I GOT IT, ROY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 54 00:01:54,315 --> 00:01:56,145 - DONKEY-KICK THAT LEATHER DIAPER-WEARIN' 55 00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:57,920 KING DIAMOND WANNABE RIGHT INTO 56 00:01:57,918 --> 00:01:59,518 THE [bleep] NEXT WEEK. 57 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,550 - TRIPTANK. HOW CAN I HELP YOU? 58 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,256 - DAD, COME QUICK! 59 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,218 - WHAT IS IT, SON? 60 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:08,326 - IT'S GRANDMA. SHE'S NOT BREATHING! 61 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,299 I THINK SHE'S DEAD! 62 00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:10,897 - OH, DEAR. 63 00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,998 WELP, I GUESS I'VE GOT TO BOOK A FUNERAL THEN. 64 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,641 - AW, I HATE BORING FUNERALS. 65 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,767 - I KNOW, KIDDO. 66 00:02:17,771 --> 00:02:21,111 I DO TOO, BUT IT'S THE ONLY WAY. 67 00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:23,178 - HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! 68 00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:25,037 ARE YOU SICK OF DREARY AND BLAND FUNERALS 69 00:02:25,045 --> 00:02:27,275 TAKIN' UP YOUR ENTIRE DAY? - BOY, AM I! 70 00:02:27,281 --> 00:02:31,551 - THEN COME ON DOWN TO PETE'S EXTREME FUNERAL PARLOR! 71 00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:34,252 WE SPICE UP THE EVERY DAY CONVENTIONAL FUNERAL 72 00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:36,455 AND TURN IT INTO A FUN-FILLED EXTRAVAGANZA 73 00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:39,457 TO ENTERTAIN FRIENDS AND FAMILY OF THE RECENTLY DECEASED. 74 00:02:39,460 --> 00:02:41,860 FOR JUST $599, THE CREMATORY CATAPULT HURLS 75 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:45,202 YOUR DEARLY DEPARTED THROUGH THE FLAMING HOOPS OF DEATH, 76 00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:46,329 THEN SHOOTS THEM INTO THE SKY, 77 00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:48,233 WHERE THEY'LL EXPLODE INTO ASHES, 78 00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:49,125 WHICH WILL BE SPREAD ACROSS 79 00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:51,636 THE BEAUTIFUL, GREEN EARTH! - EXTREME! 80 00:02:51,639 --> 00:02:53,209 - FOR A RIDICULOUS $799, 81 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,767 WE'LL OPEN THE PORTAL TO THE QUIGON DIMENSION, 82 00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:56,836 WHERE THE DEAD BODY WILL BE TURNED 83 00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:58,384 INTO SUBATOMIC PARTICLES, WHICH WILL EXPLODE 84 00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,349 INTO SEPARATE UNIVERSES AT ONCE, 85 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:01,477 CAUSING A DIMENSIONAL PARADOX, 86 00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:03,652 DESTROYING ALL MATTER AND LIFE AS WE KNOW IT! 87 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:05,321 - EXTREME DIMENSIONAL PARADOX! 88 00:03:05,319 --> 00:03:05,979 - WE DO IT ALL. 89 00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:07,846 COME DOWN FOR A DISCOUNTED DOOZY. 90 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,285 PICK FROM A WIDE RANGE OF EXCITING OPTIONS 91 00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:13,061 OF WHAT YOU THINK WOULD BE THE MOST APPROPRIATE 92 00:03:13,060 --> 00:03:13,790 AND ENTERTAINING WAY 93 00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:17,164 TO SEND YOUR DEAD LOVED ONES SOARING INTO HEAVEN. 94 00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:18,564 YOU DO WANT YOUR LOVED ONES 95 00:03:18,566 --> 00:03:20,726 TO GO TO HEAVEN, DON'T YOU? 96 00:03:20,734 --> 00:03:21,934 - CALL NOW! 97 00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:25,166 [electronic music] 98 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:28,142 - TINY HIPPO HAD A TINY TRAIN. 99 00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:30,142 HE LOVED THAT TRAIN... [train whistle blows] 100 00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:31,984 AND THEY WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER, 101 00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:36,749 LAUGHIN' AND PLAYIN' ALL THROUGHOUT THEIR TINY WORLD. 102 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:40,620 THEN ONE DAY, TINY RAVEN SWOOPED DOWN 103 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,891 AND STOLE THE TINY TRAIN. 104 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,660 THIS MADE TINY HIPPO VERY SAD. 105 00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:49,189 BUT HE DECIDED THAT HE WOULD BE BRAVE. 106 00:03:49,196 --> 00:03:53,596 SO THE NEXT DAY, HE WALKED UP THE TINY MOUNTAIN, 107 00:03:53,601 --> 00:03:55,601 CROSSED THROUGH THE TINY VALLEY, 108 00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:58,473 CLIMBED UP THE TINY OAK TREE, 109 00:03:58,472 --> 00:04:02,612 AND SHANKED TINY RAVEN'S TINY BITCH ASS. 110 00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:03,910 [bird squawks] 111 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:04,481 [laughs] 112 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:08,508 AIN'T NO ONE [bleep] WITH TINY HIPPO. 113 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:09,505 NO ONE. 114 00:04:09,516 --> 00:04:10,276 [phone ringing] 115 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:11,854 - TRIPTANK. - I GOT THIS SONG. 116 00:04:11,852 --> 00:04:13,052 I REALLY THINK IT'D BE GREAT 117 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,323 FOR THE END OF YOUR SHOW EACH WEEK. 118 00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:16,191 - OKAY? - KIND OF A FOLK-A-DELIC, 119 00:04:16,190 --> 00:04:18,460 RODEO-CORE, EASY-LISTENING, BLACK METAL, 120 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:22,289 LATE '60s VIBE, RECORDED BY DEAF KIDS FROM NEW GUINEA. 121 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:23,456 PRETTY SURE YOU'LL LOVE IT. 122 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:24,604 [phone ringing] - PLEASE HOLD. 123 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,698 - [screams] [heavy metal music] 124 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:27,870 - HEY, KIDS! 125 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,468 IT'S TIME FOR "VERSUS"! 126 00:04:29,470 --> 00:04:30,540 VERSUS! 127 00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:33,367 THIS WEEK'S COMBATANTS: 128 00:04:33,374 --> 00:04:35,644 THIRD GRADE SOCCER TEAM... 129 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:38,413 - GREAT KICK, JIMMY! - THANKS! 130 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:41,382 - VERSUS... 131 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,452 MONGOLIAN HORDE. 132 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:50,621 [all screaming] 133 00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:52,924 ¶ 134 00:04:58,598 --> 00:05:01,528 [angelic music] 135 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,666 [yak bellows] 136 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:07,038 - BRING IT. 137 00:05:07,041 --> 00:05:08,371 - [blows whistle] 138 00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:09,335 - OH. 139 00:05:09,343 --> 00:05:11,943 [whimsical music] 140 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:13,105 - [grunts] 141 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:15,013 [groans] 142 00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:19,146 [all grunting] 143 00:05:19,153 --> 00:05:20,123 - MY FACE! 144 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,290 - [blows whistle] 145 00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:23,089 - YES! 146 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,090 - GOOD TEAMWORK! 147 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:26,832 [hip-hop music] 148 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,287 - [groans] 149 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:31,525 - OH, RUNNING MAN, CLASSIC. 150 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:38,873 [cuckoo clock chiming] 151 00:05:38,872 --> 00:05:39,942 - [laughs] - HUH? 152 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:42,710 - ¶ THE TIME TO BE HAPPY IS NOW ¶ 153 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:43,410 - [grunts] 154 00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:45,140 - ¶ AND THE PLACE TO BE HAPPY IS HERE ¶ 155 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:45,975 - [grunts] - AAH! 156 00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:48,409 - ¶ AND THE WAY TO BE HAPPY IS TO MAKE SOMEONE HAPPY ¶ 157 00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:49,715 - YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT? 158 00:05:49,717 --> 00:05:52,777 - ¶ AND WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ¶ 159 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:53,616 - [blows whistle] 160 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:55,520 - ¶ WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ¶ 161 00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:56,392 - I WANT TO LEAVE! 162 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,460 - ¶ WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE HEAVEN RIGHT HERE ¶ 163 00:05:58,459 --> 00:05:59,559 - [panting] 164 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:01,790 - WHAT TIME DID YOU SAY IT WAS? 165 00:06:01,795 --> 00:06:04,595 IT'S THE TIME TO BE HAPPY! 166 00:06:05,398 --> 00:06:08,268 - WINNER: THIRD GRADE SOCCER TEAM! 167 00:06:08,268 --> 00:06:08,968 [all cheering] 168 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,599 - 'CAUSE YOU CHEAT! [grunts] 169 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:13,544 - EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY! 170 00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:14,410 [phone ringing] 171 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:15,208 - HELLO? TRIPTANK. 172 00:06:15,209 --> 00:06:18,139 - NO, I WAS CALLING 'CAUSE I LOVE YOUR SHOW 173 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,175 AND I HAVE A LITTLE FRIEND HERE 174 00:06:19,179 --> 00:06:20,579 WHO WANTS TO BE ON THE SHOW. 175 00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,081 CAN I--CAN YOU HEAR HIM? 176 00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:23,882 HE DOES GREAT VOICE WORK. 177 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,384 SCORCHY, GO AHEAD. 178 00:06:25,386 --> 00:06:28,116 - [koala blabbering] 179 00:06:28,122 --> 00:06:29,322 - ISN'T HE WONDERFUL? 180 00:06:29,323 --> 00:06:30,963 - [blabbering] - SH--HOLD ON. 181 00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:31,718 HE'S SAYING SOMETHING. 182 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:34,325 DON'T INTERRUPT THE LITTLE FURRY [bleep]. 183 00:06:34,328 --> 00:06:36,328 - [blabbering] 184 00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:37,700 OH, MY GOD. REALLY? 185 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:38,728 OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT? 186 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:39,602 WE'RE GONNA PASS ANYWAYS. 187 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,030 HE WANTS TO GO TO THE PARK AND [bleep] A DALMATIAN. 188 00:06:43,036 --> 00:06:45,296 SORRY. 189 00:06:46,272 --> 00:06:49,242 [explosion] 190 00:06:49,776 --> 00:06:52,906 [electronic music] 191 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:53,513 ¶ 192 00:06:53,514 --> 00:06:56,724 - AMERICA, WELCOME BACK TO-- 193 00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:00,192 [cheers and applause] 194 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,517 THAT LAST ROUND KNOCKED OUT CARL, 195 00:07:02,523 --> 00:07:05,563 WHICH LEAVES US WITH SHARLEEN AND FELIPE. 196 00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:08,089 YOU READY? - I WAS BORN READY, DICKEY. 197 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,425 - I'M THE [bleep] WHISPERER! 198 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,160 I CAN SMELL IT! 199 00:07:11,165 --> 00:07:12,125 - ALL RIGHTY, THEN. 200 00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,172 DOWN TO OUR FINAL TWO CONTESTANTS 201 00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:14,928 AND A CHANCE TO PLAY 202 00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:17,765 FOR THIS WEEK'S SEXY GRAND PRIZE. 203 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,471 STU, TELL 'EM WHAT IT IS! 204 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,613 - A WEEKEND AT THE WHITE TAIL NUDIST RESORT 205 00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:25,209 IN BEAUTIFUL KANSAS CITY! 206 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,452 all: OOH! 207 00:07:26,447 --> 00:07:27,277 - ALL RIGHT. 208 00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:29,351 LET'S SEE WHAT IVANA HUMPANOVA HAS HIDDEN 209 00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:31,249 BEHIND THE CURTAIN FOR THIS FINAL CHALLENGE 210 00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,991 OF "DO YOU THINK HE CAN [bleep]?" 211 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:36,217 WHAT A SURPRISE! 212 00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,063 YES, YES, Y'ALL! 213 00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,087 STEPHEN HAWKING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 214 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:39,932 - [computerized mumbling] 215 00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:42,157 - SHARLEEN AND FELIPE, YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS 216 00:07:42,162 --> 00:07:43,762 TO DECIDE WHETHER STEPHEN HAWKING 217 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:48,104 CAN ACTUALLY [bleep], STARTING NOW! 218 00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:54,374 FELIPE, WE'LL START WITH YOU. 219 00:07:54,374 --> 00:07:56,374 STEPHEN HAWKING, FAMED PHYSICIST 220 00:07:56,376 --> 00:07:57,606 AND BLACK HOLE PIONEER-- 221 00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,681 DO YOU THINK HE CAN [bleep]? 222 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,880 - NO, NO, NO. THE JUNK DON'T WORK. 223 00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:02,452 all: OOH! 224 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:05,119 - THAT IS A BRAVE CHOICE, FELIPE. 225 00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:07,448 SHARLEEN, WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER? 226 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:10,264 - BASTE MY BOOBIES AND CALL ME A TURKEY. 227 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:12,917 YES, HE CAN! WHOO! 228 00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:13,986 - [laughs] WOW. 229 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,194 A SPLIT DECISION. 230 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,825 WELL, THE ANSWER IS... YES! 231 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,831 STEPHEN HAWKING CAN [bleep]! 232 00:08:19,833 --> 00:08:22,533 SHARLEEN, MY LITTLE TRAILER TRASH CUTIE, 233 00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:23,396 YOU ARE THE WINNER! 234 00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:25,143 - [computerized] OH, YES! OH, YES! 235 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,298 BIG BANG... - OH, YEAH. 236 00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:27,506 - TASTE MY MILKY WAY. 237 00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:28,938 I CAN [bleep]. - YES! 238 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:29,642 - I CAN [bleep]. 239 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:31,713 - YES, YOU CAN, STEPHEN. UP TOP! 240 00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:33,082 OH, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN. 241 00:08:33,080 --> 00:08:35,080 WELL, FELIPE, YOU PLAYED A HELL OF A GAME, 242 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,822 BUT YOU WON'T GO HOME EMPTY-HANDED, MY BROTHER. 243 00:08:37,818 --> 00:08:38,548 [chuckles] 244 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:39,582 STU, TELL 'EM WHAT YOU GOT. 245 00:08:39,586 --> 00:08:41,946 - FELIPE, YOUR NAME WILL NOW APPEAR 246 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,755 ON THE NATIONAL SEX OFFENDER LIST. 247 00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:46,117 all: OOH! - CONGRATULATIONS! 248 00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:48,056 - AAH, WHY? [sobs] 249 00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:51,431 - [sexual moaning] - AW, SHIT! 250 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,131 YOU KNOW WHAT THAT SOUND MEANS. 251 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,203 IT'S TIME FOR THE-- 252 00:08:56,402 --> 00:08:58,602 - THAT'S RIGHT. AND NOW, SHARLEEN, 253 00:08:58,605 --> 00:09:00,805 THE CHANCE TO WIN IT ALL. 254 00:09:00,807 --> 00:09:03,637 STARTING NOW! 255 00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:05,114 - YES. YES. 256 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,242 NO. UH, YES. 257 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:08,946 UH, NO. NO. NO. NO. 258 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,349 YES. YES. NO! 259 00:09:10,350 --> 00:09:12,750 YES, YES. NO. HELL YEAH! 260 00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,693 - WOW. THAT WAS A HELL OF A ROUND. 261 00:09:15,689 --> 00:09:16,759 LOOK AT YOU. 262 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:17,987 HOW DO YOU FEEL? 263 00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,221 - I'M AS TIRED AS TWO RABBITS 264 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,326 SCREWIN' IN A WOOL SOCK. 265 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:22,128 DID I WIN? 266 00:09:22,129 --> 00:09:23,599 - LET'S GO TO THE JUDGES. 267 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,697 [drumming] 268 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,770 SHARLEEN... 269 00:09:28,769 --> 00:09:31,169 YOU...HAVE...WON. 270 00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:33,071 - [laughs] 271 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,013 - HEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR JOINING US. 272 00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:37,238 TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR-- 273 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,508 [phone ringing] 274 00:09:39,513 --> 00:09:41,013 - TRIPTANK. - HEY, LISTEN, MAN. 275 00:09:41,014 --> 00:09:42,954 THIS IS THE DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY. 276 00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,150 YEAH, YOU NEED TO SHUT DOWN. 277 00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:46,051 YOU'RE USIN' UP TOO MUCH ENERGY, MAN. 278 00:09:46,053 --> 00:09:47,893 THE POLAR ICE CAPS ARE MELTING. 279 00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,218 I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT IT. 280 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,662 - WELL, UH-- - OKAY. 281 00:09:50,657 --> 00:09:52,057 WHY DON'T YOU DROP THE SARCASM? 282 00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:55,159 I'M STANDING HERE WEARING FLOOD PANTS, OKAY? 283 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:58,132 YOU'VE GOT WHAT YOU CALL AN ARIZONA SHIT STORM, 284 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,271 AND THERE'S ONE COMIN' YOUR WAY, WISE-ASS. 285 00:10:01,268 --> 00:10:03,128 [phone ringing] 286 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:03,966 - MM-MM-MM. 287 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:05,671 I'D LIKE TO SNACK ON A PIECE OF THAT GINA. 288 00:10:05,672 --> 00:10:07,542 - ROY, PLEASE. DON'T. - SHE IS ONE HOT STUFF 289 00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,941 PIECE OF CUPCAKE LITTLE MAMA. WHOO! 290 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,183 - I GOT IT, ROY. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. 291 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:12,608 - STAY BACK, YOU SON OF A BITCH. 292 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,353 GINA'S MINE. 293 00:10:14,348 --> 00:10:16,448 - [cackling] 294 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:19,480 WE BEGIN WITH NEWT JUICE! 295 00:10:19,486 --> 00:10:22,446 ADD A DROP OF DRAGON'S BLOOD! 296 00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:26,926 A FRESHLY SQUEEZED BRAZILIAN FOREST RUMPLETOAD! 297 00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:30,827 A WHISKER FROM A NAUGHTY WITCH'S KITTY! 298 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,231 A HANDFUL OF VIRGIN EYEBALLS! 299 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:37,343 AND NOW WE SAY THE MAGIC WORDS. 300 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:40,467 WAKABAZOO! [laughs] 301 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:44,984 AT LAST, IT IS COMPLETE! 302 00:10:46,812 --> 00:10:49,582 OH, YEAH. 303 00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:51,483 THAT'S SOME GOOD SHIT! 304 00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,585 [cackles maniacally] 305 00:10:53,587 --> 00:10:54,747 [vomits] 306 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:57,415 [pleasant music] 307 00:10:57,424 --> 00:10:58,664 - HELLO? 308 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,259 - OH, BABY, OH. 309 00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:04,030 IF ONLY I COULD JUST PUT OUT MY HAND AND TOUCH YOU. 310 00:11:04,031 --> 00:11:06,101 TOUCH YOUR HAIR AND YOUR-- 311 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,069 - I'M SORRY. WHO IS THIS? 312 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:10,038 - WHAT? IT'S JEFF. 313 00:11:10,037 --> 00:11:12,467 - JEFF, I'M SORRY. 314 00:11:12,472 --> 00:11:14,072 YOU'RE NOT IN MY PHONE ANYMORE. 315 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,774 - WE BROKE UP, LIKE, TWO HOURS AGO. 316 00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,336 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? [phone beeps] 317 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,644 - OOH, I GOT TO GET THIS. 318 00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:21,475 MY DAD WAS SO HAPPY, HE JUST BOUGHT ME A CAR. 319 00:11:21,481 --> 00:11:22,981 - WHAT? - ISN'T THAT SO NICE? 320 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:25,083 - THAT'S WHY YOU GOT TO GO? - BYE! 321 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,185 - BUT...I LOVE YOU. 322 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,247 [dial tone] 323 00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:28,815 [cries] 324 00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,162 - HEY, CAN YOU SAY THAT LAST BIT 325 00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,317 JUST A LITTLE BIT LOUDER? 326 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,655 - GUYS, ARE YOU RECORDING THIS? 327 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,431 - UH, NOPE. 328 00:11:36,430 --> 00:11:39,230 - BECAUSE THE THING ABOUT HUMANS IS, 329 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:42,172 HUMANS NEED PRIVACY, ALL RIGHT? 330 00:11:42,169 --> 00:11:45,569 ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE GETTING STABBED 331 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:48,372 IN THEIR HUMAN HEART! [cries] 332 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,935 - HEY, WHAT'S PRIVACY? 333 00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:51,613 - I DON'T KNOW. [toilet flushes] 334 00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,211 - ¶ THREE ALIENS CAME FROM THE SKY ¶ 335 00:11:54,214 --> 00:11:55,914 ¶ THE GALACTIC COUNCIL SENT THEM ¶ 336 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:57,516 all: ¶ AND HERE'S THE REASON WHY ¶ 337 00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,917 - ¶ THEIR MISSION IS TO STUDY ¶ 338 00:11:58,919 --> 00:12:01,619 ¶ EARTH'S MOST AVERAGE GUY 339 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,151 all: ¶ TO SEE IF HUMANS ARE WORTH SAVING ¶ 340 00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:06,116 ¶ OR IF EVERYONE HAS TO DIE ¶ 341 00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:08,592 - WAIT. WHAT? 342 00:12:08,595 --> 00:12:09,485 all: JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! 343 00:12:09,496 --> 00:12:11,456 - CAN YOU TAKE US TO THE ZOO? - OOH, OOH, OOH. 344 00:12:11,465 --> 00:12:12,855 - THE ZOO? HUH. 345 00:12:12,866 --> 00:12:14,626 NO, I DON'T THINK SO. 346 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,974 I'M NOT LEAVIN' THIS HOUSE 347 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,969 FOR A VERY, VERY LONG TIME. 348 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:21,012 - WELL, WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY AGAIN? 349 00:12:21,007 --> 00:12:22,667 CAN WE GO THEN? 350 00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:23,536 - WHEN I'M HAPPY AGAIN, 351 00:12:23,543 --> 00:12:25,683 WE CAN DO WHATEVER THE HELL YOU WANT. 352 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:28,779 all: YAY! 353 00:12:29,181 --> 00:12:31,351 - WOULD A PUPPY MAKE YOU HAPPY? 354 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,081 [dog barks] 355 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,585 - [sighs] NO, I'M SORRY, GUYS. 356 00:12:34,588 --> 00:12:36,418 all: AW... 357 00:12:36,423 --> 00:12:36,963 - AAH! 358 00:12:36,957 --> 00:12:39,387 - HOW ABOUT A LOT MORE PUPPIES? 359 00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:41,432 - UH, APPRECIATE THE SENTIMENT, 360 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:44,698 BUT YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHIN' WITH THESE PUPPIES. 361 00:12:44,698 --> 00:12:47,598 RIGHT NOW! - AW. 362 00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:48,931 - HEY, JEFF. 363 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:50,395 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS JACKET? 364 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,943 IT'S CUSTOM TAILORED JUST FOR YOU! 365 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:55,639 - THIS IS ACTUALLY PRETTY COOL, GUYS. 366 00:12:55,642 --> 00:12:57,542 I'M IMP-- 367 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,684 OH, MY GOD! 368 00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:00,808 OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! 369 00:13:00,814 --> 00:13:03,584 NO! NO! GOD, FORGIVE US. 370 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:05,053 FORGIVE US, GOD! 371 00:13:05,051 --> 00:13:06,751 [knock at door] [gasps] 372 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,353 AAH! 373 00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:10,955 GET OUT OF HERE. 374 00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:11,457 LINDA? 375 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,658 - I'M NOT READY TO GIVE UP ON US. 376 00:13:18,564 --> 00:13:20,304 [moans] 377 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:23,000 - [moans] 378 00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:25,300 WOW. [chuckles] 379 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:29,165 THAT IS THE BEST SEX WE HAVE EVER HAD. 380 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,476 - [laughs] 381 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:31,607 ARE YOU HAPPY, JEFF? 382 00:13:31,611 --> 00:13:36,921 - I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE. 383 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:37,617 - GREAT. - OH! 384 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,177 - NOW YOU CAN TAKE US TO THE ZOO. 385 00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:41,086 all: YAY! 386 00:13:41,087 --> 00:13:44,017 [pleasant music] 387 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,894 [explosion] 388 00:13:47,226 --> 00:13:48,226 - TRIPTANK. - YEAH, HEY. 389 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,088 I'M CALLING TO SAY THAT THIS [bleep] SHOW 390 00:13:50,096 --> 00:13:51,996 IS MY FAVORITE [bleep] SHOW, MAN. 391 00:13:51,998 --> 00:13:52,528 I LOVE IT. 392 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,172 I WATCH IT 24/7, CHRISTMAS MORNING. 393 00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,498 IT DOESN'T COME ONCE A YEAR. 394 00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,303 IT COMES EVERY TIME I [bleep]. 395 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:00,205 I [bleep] WATCH THE SHOW, MAN. 396 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:00,867 - OF COURSE. 397 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:01,814 - MAN, LIKE, WHEN I WAS A KID, 398 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,468 MY DADDY DIED, AND I THOUGHT I COULD NEVER 399 00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:05,736 LOVE ANYTHING AGAIN, MAN, BUT THIS [bleep] SHOW 400 00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,975 IS BETTER THAN MY [bleep] DAD THAT DIED. 401 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:11,521 - UH-- - YOU DON'T LOVE MY LOVE? 402 00:14:11,518 --> 00:14:13,988 I GIVE YOU [bleep] LOVE FOR THE [bleep] SHOW, 403 00:14:13,987 --> 00:14:15,847 AND YOU [bleep] THROW HOT COOKING OIL 404 00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,416 IN MY [bleep] FACE? 405 00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:18,094 [bleep] YOU. 406 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,191 I WILL [bleep] KILL YOU [bleep]-- 407 00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:21,232 - I'LL GIVE YOU FIVE BUCKS TO PUT HIM ON HOLD. 408 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,598 - HOLD, PLEASE. - MOTHER-- 409 00:14:23,896 --> 00:14:26,096 - I BET YOU REALLY REGRET RUNNING THAT STORY 410 00:14:26,099 --> 00:14:27,529 ABOUT JOEY VALVANO. 411 00:14:27,534 --> 00:14:30,374 - NOW WE'RE ABOUT TO MAKE MY FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD: 412 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:32,470 STREET PANCAKES. [chuckles] 413 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:36,142 - NO, PLEASE DON'T! WAIT--WHO--WHOA! 414 00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:37,212 [gasps] 415 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:37,980 YOU SAVED ME. 416 00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,908 - IT WAS REALLY NO PROBLEM, MA'AM. 417 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:40,913 GLAD TO HELP. 418 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,414 MY NAME IS TERRENCE. YOURS? 419 00:14:42,415 --> 00:14:44,575 - OH, UM, CAITLIN. THE NAME'S CAITLIN. 420 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:46,384 - NICE NAME. - UH, THANK YOU. 421 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,886 - PRETTY NAME FOR A PRETTY LADY. 422 00:14:47,888 --> 00:14:49,248 - ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH ME, BECAUSE I-- 423 00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:50,856 - NO, MA'AM. - OH. 424 00:14:50,857 --> 00:14:52,757 OH, ALL RIGHT. WELL, UM, GOSH. 425 00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,089 THANKS FOR SAVING ME, AGAIN. 426 00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:56,725 - STILL NO PROBLEM. 427 00:14:56,730 --> 00:14:59,000 [clears throat] 428 00:14:58,999 --> 00:14:59,999 - ARE YOU GONNA LAND? 429 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,200 - ABSOLUTELY, BUT WE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM. 430 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,242 - [laughs] PROBLEM? WHAT--WHAT'S THAT? 431 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,337 - I'VE NEVER FLOWN BEFORE. - WAIT. WHAT? 432 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,840 - I-I SAW A FALLING WOMAN AND I JUST 433 00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,282 WISHED REALLY HARD, AND THEN I FLEW. 434 00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:11,837 - WHAT? - I KNOW, IT'S REALLY WEIRD. 435 00:15:11,845 --> 00:15:13,745 SO, YEAH, EVENTUALLY WE WILL LAND, 436 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:14,877 BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO BE 437 00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:17,221 LIKE IN THE MOVIES WHERE I JUST SLOW UP. 438 00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:19,817 YOU KNOW? WE ARE FLYING PRETTY FAST. 439 00:15:19,819 --> 00:15:20,919 - I HAVE TO GO TO A MEETING! 440 00:15:20,921 --> 00:15:22,121 - WHERE IS IT? - IT'S ON PARK AVENUE. 441 00:15:22,122 --> 00:15:23,662 - CAN YOU SEE IT FROM HERE? - NO, I CAN'T-- 442 00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:27,727 WE ARE IN THE SKY, AND WE KEEP ON GOING UP. 443 00:15:27,727 --> 00:15:29,327 - CAN YOU FLY? - NO. 444 00:15:29,329 --> 00:15:32,129 - WELL, I JUST FOUND OUT I COULD FLY, SO BE GRATEFUL. 445 00:15:32,132 --> 00:15:33,832 HOW IMPORTANT IS THIS MEETING ANYWAY? 446 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:34,833 YOU WERE ABOUT TO DIE. 447 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:37,004 - I WASN'T PLANNING ON DYING, SO I-- 448 00:15:37,003 --> 00:15:38,243 OKAY. YOU KNOW WHAT? 449 00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:41,168 LET'S JUST DO THIS LIKE A PLANE. 450 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,544 - UH, I'M A PERSON. 451 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:43,842 - I KNOW. I KNOW YOU'RE A PERSON. 452 00:15:43,843 --> 00:15:45,743 I NEED YOU TO START TO FLY DOWNWARD. 453 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,375 - THAT SOUNDS SO SCARY. 454 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:50,620 - COME ON, YOU'RE, LIKE, 260 POUNDS OF MUSCLE. 455 00:15:50,617 --> 00:15:51,577 I KNOW YOU CAN LAND. 456 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:54,094 - MAYBE THAT'S IT! JUST BELIEVE. 457 00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,587 JUST BELIEVE IN ME. 458 00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:56,888 - OH, MY GOD. 459 00:15:56,890 --> 00:15:59,360 TERRENCE, I BELIEVE IN YOU! 460 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,459 - [gasps] 461 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,890 THIS IS HORRIBLE! 462 00:16:01,895 --> 00:16:02,755 BELIEVING DOESN'T WORK. 463 00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:05,962 BELIEVING DOESN'T WORK! - JUST SLOW DOWN! 464 00:16:05,966 --> 00:16:07,396 - HERE WE GO. IT'S WORKING! 465 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,330 - YES! - IT'S WORKING! 466 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,495 - OH--WAIT. WHAT'S HAPPENING? 467 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,472 [both screaming] [splat] 468 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,101 - MMM. 469 00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:14,706 STREET PANCAKES! 470 00:16:14,708 --> 00:16:15,708 [tires screech] 471 00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,879 [ominous music] 472 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:23,308 ¶ 473 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,076 - [growls] 474 00:16:25,085 --> 00:16:28,385 YOU HAVE COME SEEKING THE GOBLET OF VALTORIS, 475 00:16:28,388 --> 00:16:32,288 LITTLE KNIGHT, BUT YOU MUST ANSWER MY RIDDLE FIRST. 476 00:16:32,292 --> 00:16:33,792 AND IF YOU ANSWER POORLY, 477 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:37,333 I WILL GNAW THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES. 478 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,700 - WHAT IS YOUR RIDDLE, FOUL BEAST? 479 00:16:39,699 --> 00:16:43,329 - UNTIL I AM MEASURED, I AM-- 480 00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:44,066 - TIME. - WHAT? 481 00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:45,440 I'M NOT FINISHED WITH THE RIDDLE. 482 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:46,838 - I KNOW, BUT THE ANSWER IS TIME. 483 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:49,840 - IT MAY--YOU KNOW, IT MAY BE, BUT IT MAY NOT BE. 484 00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:51,543 - UNTIL I AM MEASURED I AM NOT KNOWN, 485 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,614 YET HOW YOU MISS ME WHEN I HAVE FLOWN. 486 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:54,183 IT'S TIME. 487 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:55,650 - WELL, YOU HEARD THE RIDDLE BEFORE. 488 00:16:55,648 --> 00:16:56,578 THAT'S NOT FAIR. 489 00:16:56,583 --> 00:16:57,653 IF YOU'D TOLD ME THAT, I WOULD HAVE 490 00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,150 ASKED YOU A DIFFERENT RIDDLE, LIKE THIS ONE. 491 00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:03,693 I DRIVE MEN MAD FOR LOVE OF-- 492 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:04,760 - GOLD! - OH, COME ON! 493 00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:06,958 - DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE RIDDLES? - NO. I DON'T. 494 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:08,190 THOSE WERE MY ONLY TWO RIDDLES. 495 00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,234 - WELL, THEN I HAVE PASSED YOUR CHALLENGE. 496 00:17:10,230 --> 00:17:13,530 NOW GIVE ME THE GOBLET, YOU STINKING BRUTE! 497 00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,173 - DO YOU THINK-- LET ME ASK YOU. 498 00:17:15,168 --> 00:17:16,168 DO YOU THINK IT'S WEIRD 499 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:17,799 THAT I'VE NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND? 500 00:17:17,804 --> 00:17:18,404 - WHAT? 501 00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:19,265 - I'M NOT TRYING TO BE GROSS, 502 00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:23,612 BUT HOW MANY TIMES A DAY DO YOU, UH, MASTURBATE? 503 00:17:23,610 --> 00:17:24,640 - WHAT? N-NO. 504 00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,584 - BECAUSE I'M, UH-- I'M ON THAT THING, LIKE, 505 00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:27,979 NINE, MAYBE TEN TIMES A DAY. 506 00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:29,781 - CAN WE JUST DO THE GOBLET THING, PLEASE? 507 00:17:29,783 --> 00:17:30,883 - AND IT DOESN'T MAKE ME HAPPY. 508 00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:33,424 LIKE, I NEVER-- I'M NEVER HAPPY AFTERWARDS. 509 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,250 JUST EMPTY. 510 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:37,694 - OH. - GOD, I FEEL SO OLD. 511 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:39,890 AND I NEVER FINISH ANYTHING I START, 512 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,133 EXCEPT MASTURBATING. 513 00:17:41,127 --> 00:17:42,457 I FINISH THAT. [chuckles] 514 00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,562 - WELL, I-I MUST BE OFF. 515 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:45,964 - HEY, UH, MAYBE YOU AND ME 516 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:46,925 COULD TAKE A VACATION TOGETHER. 517 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,333 YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME JUST--HOLD UP. 518 00:17:48,334 --> 00:17:51,044 LET ME GET YOUR CONTACT INFO, SO WE CAN PLAN IT. 519 00:17:51,037 --> 00:17:52,337 IT'LL BE FUN. - YOU KNOW, UH, 520 00:17:52,338 --> 00:17:53,668 I'LL GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU ABOUT IT. 521 00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:56,473 SO, CAN I JUST HAVE THE GOBLET OF VALTORIS? 522 00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:57,036 - OOH! WAIT. 523 00:17:57,043 --> 00:18:02,713 I AM AFRAID YOU MUST ANSWER MY RIDDLE FIRST. 524 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:04,245 WHO'S MY BEST FRIEND? 525 00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:06,380 - [sighs] ME. 526 00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,916 - [laughs] YOU ARE GOOD. 527 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:10,192 YOU'RE GOOD! 528 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:14,160 ALL RIGHT. FAREWELL, BRAVE KNIGHT. 529 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,690 OKAY! 530 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,556 [sighs] 531 00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:20,565 NUMBER 11. [squirt] 532 00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:23,331 - [meow] 533 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:27,236 - HUH? - [meowing] 534 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:31,080 - HEY, DO YOU TAKE DEBIT? 535 00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:38,846 [both laugh obnoxiously] 536 00:18:43,155 --> 00:18:44,285 OKAY... 537 00:18:44,290 --> 00:18:44,890 - [vomits] 538 00:18:44,891 --> 00:18:46,721 - TRIPTANK. - MY NAME IS TIM LAROY. 539 00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,086 I JUST NOTICED THAT A LOT OF TIMES, 540 00:18:48,094 --> 00:18:49,064 WHEN YOU PLAY YOUR SKITS, 541 00:18:49,062 --> 00:18:52,262 THEY DON'T LET ME ACHIEVE FULL TOSS-OFF. 542 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:53,995 BECAUSE BY THE TIME THE SKIT IS OVER, 543 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,370 I'M JUST GETTIN' STARTED. 544 00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:56,899 - UM. 545 00:18:56,903 --> 00:18:58,043 - IF YOU COULD JUST MAKE YOUR SKITS 546 00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,967 LAST A LITTLE BIT LONGER-- SAY 35, 40 MINUTES-- 547 00:19:00,974 --> 00:19:02,214 'CAUSE IT REALLY TAKE ME THAT MUCH TIME 548 00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:04,578 TO GET A SANDWICH, GET A THING OF WINE, 549 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:06,507 RELAX, GET MY WRIST LOOSENED UP, 550 00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,653 GET OUT MY COCOA AND/OR SHEA BUTTER 551 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:09,878 AND REALLY GET GOIN'. 552 00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:11,453 [pleasant music] 553 00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,451 [explosion] 554 00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:15,990 - IT'S TRIPTANK. - YEAH, HELLO. 555 00:19:15,989 --> 00:19:17,259 I'M CALLING BACK, MOTHER[bleep]! 556 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,387 YOU [bleep] HOLD ME? 557 00:19:18,391 --> 00:19:19,921 I'M GONNA [bleep] HOLD YOUR WIFE, 558 00:19:19,926 --> 00:19:21,126 YOUR [bleep] KIDS. 559 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:21,927 IF YOU'RE A GAY LOVER, 560 00:19:21,928 --> 00:19:23,328 I'LL [bleep] HOLD YOUR HUSBAND! 561 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,029 - OKAY. - BUT SERIOUSLY, 562 00:19:25,031 --> 00:19:26,031 I'M JUST CALLING BACK TO SAY 563 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:27,272 HOW MUCH I LOVE THE SHOW, MAN. 564 00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:28,627 IT'S LIKE A BOWL OF CEREAL. 565 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:29,865 IT'S REALLY GOOD, OKAY? 566 00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:32,339 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 567 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:37,935 [fart] 568 00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:41,611 [bird squawks] 569 00:19:41,614 --> 00:19:43,214 - [hoots] 570 00:19:45,117 --> 00:19:48,287 [dramatic music] 571 00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:53,258 ¶ 572 00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:55,129 - OH, SHIT. 573 00:19:55,128 --> 00:19:58,858 [dubstep music] 574 00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:00,295 THINK. 575 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:06,070 ¶ 576 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:07,772 - [laughs] 577 00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:09,774 LANGUAGE. 578 00:20:09,776 --> 00:20:13,106 - OOH-OOH-AH-- MY NAME IS STEVE. 579 00:20:13,112 --> 00:20:14,552 - HEY. 580 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:22,847 ¶ 581 00:20:28,894 --> 00:20:30,064 - SPRING BREAK. 582 00:20:30,063 --> 00:20:35,673 ¶ 583 00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:38,068 THINK. 584 00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:39,301 SPAM BOT. 585 00:20:39,305 --> 00:20:41,335 [laughs] 586 00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,811 ¶ 587 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:46,110 - HEY, COME ON, MAN. JUST CHILL OUT, BRO. 588 00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:48,812 ¶ 589 00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,445 - VIRUS. 590 00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:57,890 [pleasant music] 591 00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,960 ¶ 39579

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