Original subtitles

- THERE IS NO GOD!

[voice echoing] GOD, GOD, GOD...

- THERE IS NO EVAN!

[voice echoing] EVAN, EVAN, EVAN...

HMM. MO[bleep].

[video game music]

¶

- HEY, GUYS, I'M LITTLE GIRL ONE ONE--

- SIX.

- TODAY I'M GONNA MAKE A TUTORIAL

ON THE CUP SONG FROM "PITCH PREFECT."

SO WHAT YOU'RE GONNA NEED IS A FLAT SURFACE,

A CUP, AND YOUR HANDS,

AND OBVIOUSLY YOURSELF.

[chuckling]

OKAY, SO LET'S GET STARTED.

JUST FOLLOW MY STEPS.

I JUST BLEW YOUR FREAKIN' MIND.

NOW TRY IT YOURSELF.

- [groans]

[gentle guitar music]

¶

- HI. - [yelps]

WHAT THE HELL?

HELLO?

- WHY DON'T YOU EVER TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER?

- SINCE WHEN CAN YOU TALK?

- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE OFFICIALLY SPOKEN.

- "OFFICIALLY"?

- I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU.

- WHAT? YOU'RE NOT A PERSON.

YOU'RE JUST A--

- JUST A WHAT, ANDREW?

- HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME? - CALL ME VERONICA.

WHY DON'T YOU EVER TELL ME HOW YOUR DAY WAS?

- I DON'T KNOW. I FIGURED YOU WOULDN'T CARE.

I--AND YOU'RE NOT A REAL PERSON!

- IF I WASN'T REAL,

WOULD I BE ABLE TO DO THIS?

[laughs]

- [moaning]

- THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

NOW LET'S GO TO DINNER.

- ANYWHERE YOU WANT.

[phone ringing]

- TRIPTANK.

- HI. I AM SO GLAD YOU ANSWERED THE PHONE.

I JUST--I HAVE TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOUR SHOW.

NO, I MEAN, I LOVE IT. LIKE--

LIKE, EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING

WANTS YOUR COMEDY INSIDE OF ME.

I WANT TO MASSAGE YOUR JOKES WITH MY TONGUE

AND FEEL THE LAUGHTER SPILLING OUT OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

LENGTH IS JUST NOT THAT IMPORTANT.

[video game whirring]

[alarm clock ringing]

- YAH. WHAT A HEADACHE.

WHO AM I?

I-I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING!

WAAAH!

A TABLE! A NOTE!

"DEAR RANDY--"

UGH! RANDY IS A TERRIBLE NAME.

"THERE IS ONLY ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE.

TURN OVER."

I'M AN ASSHOLE CALLED RANDY?

THIS IS SHIT!

[bleep] YOU, WOODEN TABLE!

[grunts, screams]

WAIT.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS.

[cheerful whistled tune] I CAN CHANGE!

TODAY I AM GOING TO BE A GREAT MAN!

¶

LIFE IS WONDERFUL.

- HEY, SPARE SOME CHANGE, MISTER?

- OF COURSE, MY GOOD MAN.

- WOW! THANKS, MISTER!

I ASK YOU EVERY DAY, BUT THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

YOU EVER GAVE ME ANYTHING.

TO BE HONEST, I-I ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU WERE SORT OF AN ASSHOLE.

[record scratches] - [gasps]

WELL, NOT TODAY.

TODAY WE'RE GOING TO HAVE FUN

AND BE JOYFUL!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

JUST NAME IT. ANYTHING!

- ANYTHING?

[both laughing]

[video game beeping]

[tattoo gun buzzing]

[laughing wildly]

[laughter continues]

[baby crying]

- LOOK AT THE [bleep] SUNSET! [laughing]

IT'S SO [bleep] BEAUTIFUL!

"YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."

SEE YOU TOMORROW, RANDY.

[guffaws]

WHAT A STUPID NAME.

- HERE WE GO, MAN. OLD SCHOOL, MANO A MANO.

ROY'S GONNA MAKE--

[phone rings] - HELLO, TRIPTANK.

- OH. OH, HEY.

I JUST WANTED TO SAY, LIKE,

MY FRIENDS AND I, WE, LIKE,

LAUGH ABOUT, YOU KNOW, LIKE, EACH OTHER.

WE'RE LIKE, "THAT'S C--" YOU KNOW, LIKE, "OH, WE--

WE KNOW THAT," OR, LIKE,

"WE KNOW WHAT THAT IS."

WE'RE LIKE, UM--

SO I GUESS I WAS JUST, UM, [guys coughing]

I'M NOT TOTALLY SURE I REMEMBER WHY I CALLED,

BUT MAYBE-- [clears throat]

IS THERE A WAY TO--

[digital hip-hop music]

¶

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETIE.

[singsong] GUESS WHAT.

DADDY GOT YOU A-- - OH, SHIT!

A PONY!

[pony neighs]

YEAH.

YEAH!

YEAAAH!

OH, YEAH, MOTHER[bleep]ER!

HI-YI-YI-YI-YAH!

YA-HA!

AI-AI-AI-AI-AI-AH!

MOTHER[bleep]ER!

[light piano music]

- HI, WHAT CAN I GET--

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME TIME TO LOOK OVER THE MENU.

- WOW.

YOU LOOK GREAT WITH MAKEUP.

I MEAN, YOU ALWAYS LOOK GOOD.

BUT TONIGHT--WOW.

- WELL, I'M A PISCES,

SO I LIKE TO JAZZ IT UP SOMETIMES.

- OH, NO.

REALLY? I'M A SAGITTARIUS.

SAGITTARIUS AND PISCES DON'T GET ALONG.

both: FIRE AND WATER.

[magical guitar chord]

[romantic rock music]

TO BITE YOUR ASS.

PSH, DON'T YOU RUN AWAY FROM ME.

I'M UNSTOPPABLE. MY POWER METER'S GREEN, BITCH.

[phone rings] - HELLO, TRIPTANK.

- HELLO, WHO THE [bleep] IS THIS?

IS THIS THE GUY THAT DOES THE CARTOONS AND SHIT?

- MAYBE. - I HATE IT!

- OKAY.