Original subtitles

- [chuckling]

[laughing hysterically]

I'M MELTING!

- FRANK?

FRANK?

- OH, MY GOD, WE'RE TOO LATE. HE'S OUT OF HIS CONE!

- NO!

[sobbing]

[whimsical music]

- HI, LET ME GET TWO TICKETS TO THIS PLACE,

ONE FOR ME AND A SECOND ONE

JUST IN CASE I LOSE THE FIRST ONE.

- THIS IS BY RESERVATION.

- OKAY, SO RESURRECT ME A TICKET OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW.

- I CANNOT LET A RHINO INTO THE CEREMONY.

- [yelps]

OH, YOU'RE ONE OF THE RACIST PEOPLE.

I THINK I HEARD ABOUT YOU ON THE TELEVISION SET.

- I AM NOT A RACIST.

- THEN LET ME IN. - NO.

- YOU RACIST HONKY.

HOW ABOUT NOW? - NO.

- OKAY, HOW ABOUT NOW? - NO.

- [deep voice] HOW ABOUT NOW?

- NO. - [growling]

- NO. - COME ON.

- SIR, YOU ARE A RHINO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M GONNA ANGRY BIRD THIS JOINT.

- WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

[cell phone vibrating]

- HEY, SWEETIE.

- BABY, I AM SO SICK RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I THINK I GOT THE BIRD FLU OR H1N1 ANTHRAX OR SOMETHING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

- I'M SURE IT'S FINE.

- I CAN FEEL IT. I'M DYING.

AND I WAS GONNA DO SO MUCH.

I WANTED TO BE THE FIRST FAMOUS BLACK BALLERINA.

I NEED YOU TO COME AND SAVE ME WITH YOUR WHITE POWERS.

[phone rings]

- HONEY, JUST HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

- YOU DON'T PUT ME ON HOLD-- - THIS IS TRIPTANK.

- WELL, I LIKE REAL TELEVISION!

SO MAYBE WHEN YOU GROW A PAIR,

YOU CALL ME BACK AND I'LL WATCH YOUR NEXT [bleep] DISASTER.

- HOLD, PLEASE. - [continues yelling]

- I AM LOSING MY LIFE!

THIS SHIT'S NOT FUNNY.

ARE YOU GIGGLING, MOTHER[bleep]?

- THAT WOMAN HAS BEAT YOU DOWN TO A SOGGY-ASS WET NOODLE.

MAYBE TRY EATING SOME BARBECUE AND DRINK A BEER,

AND THEN YOU'LL GROW A SACK, YOU LITTLE TIT BABY.

[heavy metal music] - ¶ THE LAST DEAD UNICORN

[upbeat music]

¶

- [screams]

[news theme music]

- WE'RE HEARING THAT THE FIRST MINER

IS ABOUT TO BE PULLED UP.

- [clucking]

- [gasps]

IT APPEARS WE HAVE A LITTLE VISITOR.

[chuckles] JUST ZOOM IN ON THAT.

- EXCUSE ME?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO INTERVIEW ME?

WHY ARE YOU FILMING THIS DISGUSTING CHICKEN?

- [sobbing]

- HE'S GONNA KILL HIMSELF! - [gasps]

TAKE BACK WHAT YOU SAID TO THE CHICKEN.

- BUT HE'S JUST A CHICKEN.

- YOU HURT HIS LITTLE ANIMAL FEELINGS.

- [sighs]

CHICKEN, PLEASE DO NOT POISON YOURSELF.

[all sigh in relief]

'CAUSE I AM 12 DAYS HUNGRY!

- [clucks angrily]

- IF HE FALLS IN, HE'LL DISINTEGRATE.

- [clucking angrily]

- CHICKEN, I AM DEEPLY SORRY.

- [clucks]

[onlookers sigh in relief]

- THAT YOU ARE AS STUPID AS YOU LOOK.

- [clucking angrily]

[onlookers gasp]

[news theme music]

- THE BROADCAST JUST WENT WORLDWIDE.

WE CAN NOT HAVE A CHICKEN FRY HIMSELF

WHILE THE WORLD IS WATCHING.

[electricity sparking]

- [clucking erratically]

- SENOR CHICKEN, I AM VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY,

VERY SORRY.

- [clucks]

- DON'T TELL YOU, TELL THE WORLD?

I WAS STUCK IN A MINE AND FEARED FOR MY LIFE,

BUT I AM NOT THE ONE YOU SHOULD GRIEVE FOR.

EVERYONE SHOULD LOOK TO SENOR CHICKEN.

HE IS THE TRUE HERO.

[all sigh in relief]

- THAT'S THE MONEY SHOT.

[tires screech]

- [clucks]

- YOU WANT TO SHAKE MY HAND?

[chuckles]

I WOULD BE HONORED.

AH, POR QUE?

- YES, MOST SHRIMP AND RIB DON'T COME TOGETHER,

BUT THEY'RE DOING THEIR BEST.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID-- HE SAID--

THEY ALL SAID-- WE ALL SAID--

WITH THE SHRIMP AND A RIB. HEY, THERE, SHRIMP. SHRIMP.

- HEY, KIDDIES, TIME FOR VERSUS.

- VERSUS.

- EVERYBODY KNOWS YOU GOT MY SPATS ON.

[grunts]

MM, FREE DRUG.

[tires screech]

- WELCOME, COMBATANT.

CHOOSE WEAPON:

ASSAULT RIFLE,

CHAIN SAW,

MALT LIQUOR, 40 OUNCES.

- HMM, I'M GONNA NEED TO MAKE CHOICES NOW.

I ALWAYS MAKE GOOD CHOICES.

- CHOOSE ARMOR:

CHAIN MAIL,

KEVLAR SUIT,

BARBECUE SAUCE.

- [belches]

BARBECUE SAUCE!

[laughing]

[sputtering]

MMM, YEAH.

GOOD SAUCES.

- [clears throat]

THIS WEEK'S COMBATANTS:

DRUNK HOBO SLATHERED

IN BARBECUE SAUCE

VERSUS

SIX GORILLAS.

- HMM, CROCODILES.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

BURN.

[groaning]

- UGH! - DUDE.

- [groaning]

MM, MM-HMM.

WHEW--OH.

OH, COME ON NOW. JUST A LITTLE BIT.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ENOUGH.

LIGHT HIM UP.

- FRISBEE.

[wails]

- [panting]

[grunts]

POR FAVOR, DON'T KILL ME.

[sniffing]

YOU SMELL ENCHANTING.