All language subtitles for TripTank s02e18 Buck Wild.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:08,666 --> 00:00:11,636 [man reading bottle] 2 00:00:11,737 --> 00:00:15,073 - Hello, doctor's office. - Uh, hey, Doc. 3 00:00:15,174 --> 00:00:15,773 It's been about five hours now. 4 00:00:15,873 --> 00:00:20,579 - Mm-hmm. - And... still... going strong, baby! 5 00:00:20,678 --> 00:00:24,950 Oh, yeah! [laughing] Oh, yeah! 6 00:00:25,050 --> 00:00:28,480 - Ohhhh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. 7 00:00:28,481 --> 00:00:31,911 [intense electronic music] 8 00:00:32,992 --> 00:00:35,392 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 9 00:00:35,393 --> 00:00:37,261 [phone ringing] 10 00:00:37,402 --> 00:00:39,939 - Hello, this is TripTank. - Yes, hello, I walked in on my son 11 00:00:40,039 --> 00:00:42,975 watching your television show with his pants around his ankles. 12 00:00:43,075 --> 00:00:45,911 - Okay. - My son was sitting there, 13 00:00:46,011 --> 00:00:50,115 dressing up his [bleep] like a hot fudge sundae. 14 00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:52,650 If I'm honest, that's not the worst thing he could have been doing. 15 00:00:52,750 --> 00:00:54,519 He had two scoops of ice cream on his lap, 16 00:00:54,619 --> 00:00:57,422 chocolate and caramel sauce, whipped cream. 17 00:00:57,523 --> 00:00:59,391 I don't even want to tell you about the banana. 18 00:00:59,490 --> 00:01:00,893 Please don't tell me about the banana. 19 00:01:00,993 --> 00:01:03,529 - It was right there next to his penis. - Oh, boy. 20 00:01:03,628 --> 00:01:07,032 Here's the topper. A cherry, right on the tip! 21 00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:10,060 [upbeat electronic music] 22 00:01:10,334 --> 00:01:13,052 2x18 - Buck Wild 23 00:01:13,087 --> 00:01:15,017 [steady beeping] 24 00:01:15,117 --> 00:01:17,118 [device beeping] 25 00:01:17,219 --> 00:01:20,922 No, that can't be. Huh? 26 00:01:21,023 --> 00:01:24,159 Steve, I've been waiting for you. 27 00:01:24,260 --> 00:01:28,698 - How... how do you know my name? - I've been watching you. 28 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:32,133 Do not be afraid. Let me please you. 29 00:01:32,234 --> 00:01:36,504 - I yearn to touch another. - Oh. Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait. 30 00:01:36,605 --> 00:01:38,507 [tapping helmet] It's not safe for me. 31 00:01:38,606 --> 00:01:42,344 I'll protect you. You can breathe in here. It's safe. 32 00:01:42,445 --> 00:01:45,181 - Oh, okay. - What the hell are you doing?! 33 00:01:45,281 --> 00:01:47,615 Gary? Jesus, you scared me. 34 00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:49,718 You remove that helmet, and you're a dead man. 35 00:01:49,818 --> 00:01:52,053 I wasn't... Look, I need this, okay? 36 00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:54,355 - Can you just give us a minute? - Us?! 37 00:01:54,455 --> 00:01:57,615 Steve, there's no one here. You're cracking up, man! 38 00:01:57,650 --> 00:02:00,728 It's space fever. It's got you seeing things. 39 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:04,266 - But... but... - Hey, listen to me. You're hallucinating. 40 00:02:04,365 --> 00:02:06,067 Your blood pressure's off the [bleep] charts. 41 00:02:06,168 --> 00:02:08,237 Another minute of this, and I'll be sending you 42 00:02:08,238 --> 00:02:11,133 - back to base in a box. - But... but she yearned for me. 43 00:02:11,134 --> 00:02:14,076 Come on. Let's get you back to the pod. 44 00:02:14,175 --> 00:02:16,412 I'm putting you on lockdown until this passes and we get you stable. 45 00:02:16,512 --> 00:02:19,749 Yeah, okay, that's probably a good idea. 46 00:02:21,049 --> 00:02:21,483 [sighs] 47 00:02:21,584 --> 00:02:26,053 What? Huh? 48 00:02:26,154 --> 00:02:29,925 That son of a bitch. I knew she was real! 49 00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:34,062 Gary, you dirty bastard. I saw her first! 50 00:02:34,162 --> 00:02:35,263 [lock rattling] 51 00:02:35,663 --> 00:02:38,856 No! [pounding] 52 00:02:40,135 --> 00:02:43,838 Yeah, we're in rhythm now. Yeah, yeah, that's us. 53 00:02:43,939 --> 00:02:47,504 Oh, oh, that's us. [grunting] [slurps] 54 00:02:48,036 --> 00:02:50,478 [loopy horn music] 55 00:02:53,349 --> 00:02:55,951 All right, gentlemen, let's get your hands out of your pockets 56 00:02:56,050 --> 00:02:58,254 and put some greenery on that scenery. 57 00:02:58,353 --> 00:03:02,691 Welcome to the main stage the very beautiful... Cinnamon. 58 00:03:02,792 --> 00:03:04,893 [bluesy music plays] 59 00:03:04,993 --> 00:03:08,097 - Yawn. I've seen better. - Come on, babe. 60 00:03:08,197 --> 00:03:10,866 Put some gasoline in that dancing machine. 61 00:03:10,966 --> 00:03:12,201 [creaking] 62 00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:14,869 - Oh, talk about two left feet. - Like she has hooves. 63 00:03:14,970 --> 00:03:18,272 - Hey, watch it. - You actually have hooves, 64 00:03:18,374 --> 00:03:21,844 and you dance a hell of a lot better than that. 65 00:03:21,943 --> 00:03:23,179 Oh, what am I watching here? 66 00:03:23,279 --> 00:03:26,715 You know, this is just making me sad. 67 00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:28,183 This is the striptease, [music] 68 00:03:28,282 --> 00:03:32,321 the highest of the terpsichorean art forms, 69 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,690 the dance of goddesses. 70 00:03:34,790 --> 00:03:38,761 The striptease should be sensual and arousing. 71 00:03:38,861 --> 00:03:40,363 This looks like the dance you do 72 00:03:40,463 --> 00:03:42,330 when somebody tells you your aunt died. 73 00:03:42,430 --> 00:03:45,591 - You guys know I can hear you, right? - Oh, yeah? Well, congratulations. 74 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,502 If only you could hear the music, 'cause then maybe you'd realize 75 00:03:48,602 --> 00:03:52,073 - you are nowhere near the beat, sister. - You think this is so easy? 76 00:03:52,173 --> 00:03:55,143 - Why don't you get up here and try it? - Oh, God, now you've done it. 77 00:03:55,244 --> 00:03:57,380 Let a pro show you how this is done. 78 00:03:57,480 --> 00:04:00,215 [upbeat music starts] One, two, three, and bump. 79 00:04:00,315 --> 00:04:01,484 That's where you bump the hip. 80 00:04:01,584 --> 00:04:04,219 - Can you hear that, Paprika? - It's Cinnamon. 81 00:04:04,318 --> 00:04:05,387 Oh, no, you got to earn the right 82 00:04:05,488 --> 00:04:07,189 to be called Cinnamon on my stage, sweetheart. 83 00:04:07,288 --> 00:04:11,227 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to get down off the stage now. 84 00:04:11,327 --> 00:04:13,262 You know, not every situation calls for violence, 85 00:04:13,362 --> 00:04:16,231 you Neanderthal. Don't make a maniac out of me! 86 00:04:16,330 --> 00:04:17,999 Let him go, Gary. He's kind of helping. 87 00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:20,778 You're damn right I'm helping. Now, shake that ass. 88 00:04:20,813 --> 00:04:22,870 [smack, cheering] See, now we got 'em paying attention. 89 00:04:22,970 --> 00:04:25,806 Come on, shake it, shake it. 90 00:04:25,907 --> 00:04:28,376 There we go. Thanks, scumbag. 91 00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,112 But don't forget to show some financial love 92 00:04:30,212 --> 00:04:31,513 to my girl Cinnamon here. 93 00:04:31,612 --> 00:04:33,583 That's right, I called you Cinnamon. [slap] 94 00:04:33,682 --> 00:04:36,618 You've earned it. A quarter?! 95 00:04:36,718 --> 00:04:37,619 How about I put a quarter of my foot up your ass?! 96 00:04:37,720 --> 00:04:38,654 You cheap bastard. 97 00:04:38,754 --> 00:04:40,489 [heavy thud] 98 00:04:40,588 --> 00:04:42,290 Oh, you want a piece of chicken, huh? 99 00:04:42,391 --> 00:04:44,326 Feeling like a tough guy? [patrons screaming] 100 00:04:44,426 --> 00:04:47,430 Get your goddamn feet off my stage. 101 00:04:47,530 --> 00:04:48,230 Ahh! 102 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,066 Hey there, big boy. [smack] 103 00:04:50,166 --> 00:04:53,368 - The first thing you need to do is... - Oh, my God, Steve. 104 00:04:53,469 --> 00:04:55,705 You'll never believe it, man, not in a million years. 105 00:04:55,804 --> 00:05:00,075 - Hold, please. What is it, Roy? - Buck LaFontaine is coming in 106 00:05:00,176 --> 00:05:04,280 - to direct a "TripTank" sketch today. - What?! Buck LaFontaine? 107 00:05:04,380 --> 00:05:06,782 He's my favorite "TripTank" director of all time. 108 00:05:06,881 --> 00:05:10,251 - I grew up watching his sketches. - Yeah, me too, man. 109 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:11,953 He directed all the classics. 110 00:05:12,054 --> 00:05:14,055 [as a robot] "Robot Vagina-tron." 111 00:05:14,155 --> 00:05:16,031 And the one with that chef that can't stop farting. 112 00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:19,328 Hell, yeah, man, "Bon App�-toots." [laughs] 113 00:05:19,429 --> 00:05:21,130 Hey, do you remember "Sammy the Nut-Hungry Squirrel"? 114 00:05:21,229 --> 00:05:23,632 Do I remember? "Lick my nuts." 115 00:05:23,731 --> 00:05:27,503 Both: Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! 116 00:05:27,602 --> 00:05:31,372 - Ooh, ooh, quiet, here comes Ashley. - Guys, did you hear?! 117 00:05:31,474 --> 00:05:34,909 Buck LaFontaine is coming into the office today! 118 00:05:35,010 --> 00:05:35,611 Lick my nuts. 119 00:05:35,710 --> 00:05:39,180 All: Lick my nuts! Lick my nuts! 120 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:40,482 And, sir, you should know, 121 00:05:40,582 --> 00:05:43,953 - I'm a guy that always gives 100%. - Impressive. 122 00:05:44,053 --> 00:05:50,825 But we're looking for someone who says they give 110%. 123 00:05:50,926 --> 00:05:54,330 Well, but if 100% is the maximum possible effort, 124 00:05:54,429 --> 00:05:56,931 I mean, what does that extra 10% even mean? 125 00:05:57,032 --> 00:06:01,537 - It sounds better. - Uh, "it does sound better." 126 00:06:01,637 --> 00:06:05,674 - Okay. I'm a guy that always gives 110%... - No, no, no, no, no. 127 00:06:05,775 --> 00:06:09,311 You already said you're one of those 100% guys. 128 00:06:09,410 --> 00:06:11,346 Okay, well, I wasn't gonna offer this 129 00:06:11,446 --> 00:06:14,515 straight out of the gate, but I'll give you 120%. 130 00:06:14,616 --> 00:06:17,118 120? Ha. That's ridiculous. 131 00:06:17,219 --> 00:06:18,287 It's not even possible. 132 00:06:18,387 --> 00:06:22,258 All right, what if I gave you, say... a 112%? 133 00:06:22,293 --> 00:06:24,460 Hmm, 112. 134 00:06:25,413 --> 00:06:29,636 100 and 12%. 135 00:06:31,166 --> 00:06:32,101 Welcome aboard! 136 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,602 [laughs] 137 00:06:39,340 --> 00:06:43,311 Ever since I was a boy, I wanted four wives. 138 00:06:43,412 --> 00:06:45,080 [sweeping harp music] 139 00:06:45,181 --> 00:06:48,082 [smooching] 140 00:06:48,183 --> 00:06:49,484 [snorts] 141 00:06:49,585 --> 00:06:52,154 [crowd cheering] 142 00:06:52,253 --> 00:06:53,888 Ooh! [chuckling] 143 00:06:53,989 --> 00:06:56,092 You minx. [laughs] 144 00:06:56,191 --> 00:06:59,394 Careful girls, save some for me. [women moaning] 145 00:06:59,494 --> 00:07:03,486 I'm about to jump on the never-ending bang train. 146 00:07:03,521 --> 00:07:06,102 Pelvic thrust times four. 147 00:07:06,202 --> 00:07:09,177 [upbeat music] 148 00:07:11,207 --> 00:07:14,450 Is that a hair... oh, oh, no. [gagging] 149 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:15,610 [laughing mildly] 150 00:07:15,710 --> 00:07:18,446 For charity. 151 00:07:18,546 --> 00:07:20,316 No, Veronica, you don't look fat. 152 00:07:20,416 --> 00:07:22,217 No, Tammy, your nose doesn't look too big. 153 00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:24,985 No, Sarah, your boobs aren't too small. 154 00:07:25,087 --> 00:07:26,755 Oh... you. 155 00:07:26,854 --> 00:07:28,758 [corny sitcom laughter] 156 00:07:30,859 --> 00:07:32,060 Ugh-ugh, next. 157 00:07:32,159 --> 00:07:32,727 Ugh-ugh, next. 158 00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:33,561 Ugh-ugh, next. 159 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,707 Ugh-ugh... [crunch] Ow! 160 00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,505 What's in there? [canned laughter] 161 00:07:37,630 --> 00:07:41,610 Okay, who hasn't [bleep] yet? Huh? 162 00:07:41,645 --> 00:07:43,086 [buzzer sounds] Meh. 163 00:07:43,524 --> 00:07:46,592 [intense electronica] 164 00:08:00,425 --> 00:08:03,862 Buck LaFontaine hasn't directed "TripTank" in 20 years. 165 00:08:03,962 --> 00:08:06,764 - Why is he coming out of retirement now? - It's for charity, man. 166 00:08:06,865 --> 00:08:07,932 All the money raised from the sketch 167 00:08:08,033 --> 00:08:10,602 go to fund a local orphanage or some bullshit. 168 00:08:10,702 --> 00:08:13,471 Oh, that's great! Wait a minute, money raised? 169 00:08:13,572 --> 00:08:14,673 How does that even work? 170 00:08:14,772 --> 00:08:16,841 Seems like the only thing being raised around here are the stakes. 171 00:08:16,942 --> 00:08:19,177 Right this way, Mr. LaFontaine. [laughs] 172 00:08:19,476 --> 00:08:21,010 Whoo, this brings me back, yeah. 173 00:08:21,045 --> 00:08:23,347 Last time I was in this building, I made Lou Diamond Philips 174 00:08:23,348 --> 00:08:26,217 wear a diaper and eat about a dozen live goldfish. 175 00:08:26,318 --> 00:08:27,585 [cackles] Philips. 176 00:08:27,686 --> 00:08:29,888 He's talking about "Goo-Goo Ga Ga Goldfish Gulper"! 177 00:08:29,988 --> 00:08:32,124 Oh, that's my favorite sketch. 178 00:08:32,224 --> 00:08:35,193 Back then, we only used this lobby for smoking opium 179 00:08:35,292 --> 00:08:38,595 and shooting bottle rockets out of our butt cracks. [laughs] 180 00:08:38,695 --> 00:08:39,564 Yeah, a lot of people got burned. 181 00:08:39,663 --> 00:08:43,266 Both: Oh, my God, Buck LaFontaine! 182 00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:47,305 Can you idiots keep it down? Buck is trying to work in here. 183 00:08:47,405 --> 00:08:48,673 Both: [softly] Buck LaFontaine. 184 00:08:48,772 --> 00:08:53,076 [weeping] [squirrel chittering] 185 00:08:53,176 --> 00:08:55,680 But I haven't got a dress. 186 00:08:55,781 --> 00:08:58,683 [sobbing] 187 00:09:01,352 --> 00:09:02,854 [cooing sadly] 188 00:09:02,954 --> 00:09:11,239 [chittering] [uplifting orchestral music] 189 00:09:24,309 --> 00:09:26,077 Oh. 190 00:09:26,176 --> 00:09:27,110 [knock at door] 191 00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:28,311 Oh, dear, the prince has arrived. 192 00:09:28,412 --> 00:09:34,118 I'm here to escort you to the ball, Cinderell... Aah! 193 00:09:34,219 --> 00:09:37,921 [groaning] 194 00:09:38,022 --> 00:09:42,126 Um, are your step-sisters home? A-Any one of them. 195 00:09:42,227 --> 00:09:43,628 You know the one with the wart on her nose? 196 00:09:43,728 --> 00:09:45,429 Does she have any plans tonight? 197 00:09:45,528 --> 00:09:47,532 [energetic music] 198 00:09:49,266 --> 00:09:51,436 ["tropical" music] 199 00:09:51,536 --> 00:09:53,638 - Yeah, the usual. - You got it, Johnny. 200 00:09:53,738 --> 00:09:56,808 Blue Hawaii, two umbrellas, coming right up. 201 00:09:56,907 --> 00:10:00,645 - Whoa, who is that? - Johnny Bahama. 202 00:10:00,744 --> 00:10:03,447 He's the chillest dude from Key West to Kokomo, man. 203 00:10:03,564 --> 00:10:06,851 Nobody's more beach than Johnny Bahama... nobody. 204 00:10:06,951 --> 00:10:10,021 What about him? He seems pretty beach too. 205 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:13,657 Better saddle up, brother. It's gonna be a beach-off. 206 00:10:13,758 --> 00:10:18,964 Hey, Sandy, rum and Pineapple Hang-Ten. Three umbrellas. 207 00:10:19,064 --> 00:10:19,897 [record scratch] 208 00:10:19,998 --> 00:10:23,934 Well, well, well, Daytona Jack. Been a while. 209 00:10:24,033 --> 00:10:25,535 Aloha. 210 00:10:25,637 --> 00:10:28,873 Yeah, I was down in Aruba. Spent a week on the beach. 211 00:10:28,973 --> 00:10:33,410 - I... love the beach. - I just spent a month in Puerto Rico. 212 00:10:33,511 --> 00:10:35,445 That beach, I really love. 213 00:10:35,546 --> 00:10:38,081 Well, Aruba was kind of my pre-vacation. 214 00:10:38,181 --> 00:10:43,154 In August, I'm going to Cancun... for six years. 215 00:10:43,253 --> 00:10:44,354 Mahalo. 216 00:10:44,455 --> 00:10:47,525 You know, I was born on the beach at Cancun. 217 00:10:47,626 --> 00:10:50,328 It was two-for-one margaritas at Senor Snail's, 218 00:10:50,427 --> 00:10:53,229 and my mom wouldn't leave the wet T-shirt contest 219 00:10:53,330 --> 00:10:55,900 - to go to the hospital. - Margaritas. 220 00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:58,335 That reminds me of the first time I met Jimmy Buffett. 221 00:10:58,436 --> 00:11:01,272 You know what he told me, man? "Life's a beach." 222 00:11:01,372 --> 00:11:02,406 He's a wise man. 223 00:11:02,507 --> 00:11:05,575 I went boogie-boarding with him in Panama City one time. 224 00:11:05,676 --> 00:11:09,611 He gave me his flip-flop. [inhales deeply] 225 00:11:09,613 --> 00:11:13,884 Yeah, well, I have Frankie Avalon's actual foot. 226 00:11:13,984 --> 00:11:16,186 You think you're more beach than me, brah? 227 00:11:16,287 --> 00:11:21,091 Hey, man, if the aqua sock fits... Sandy, scratch that Hang-Ten. 228 00:11:21,191 --> 00:11:25,229 Give me an empty coconut shell full of drink umbrellas. 229 00:11:25,330 --> 00:11:27,431 [munching] 230 00:11:29,499 --> 00:11:30,368 Oh, you think that's beach? 231 00:11:30,468 --> 00:11:34,738 Sandy, give me a sand castle bucket full of tanning oil. 232 00:11:34,839 --> 00:11:39,243 [gulping] 233 00:11:39,343 --> 00:11:40,411 Ahh! 234 00:11:40,511 --> 00:11:42,112 Oh, you want to talk about tanning? 235 00:11:42,213 --> 00:11:43,147 [grunting] 236 00:11:43,247 --> 00:11:44,416 Ah! 237 00:11:44,516 --> 00:11:48,051 I'm literally more tan where my shirt goes. 238 00:11:48,152 --> 00:11:49,253 You want to talk about shirts? 239 00:11:49,354 --> 00:11:53,291 I wear a little, tiny Hawaiian shirt on my balls. 240 00:11:53,391 --> 00:11:54,825 A-bam! 241 00:11:57,628 --> 00:12:01,866 Not bad, Johnny. But there's one thing you should know. 242 00:12:01,966 --> 00:12:04,902 [grunting] 243 00:12:06,503 --> 00:12:09,339 That's right. I shit live hermit crabs. 244 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:09,907 [laughs] 245 00:12:10,008 --> 00:12:12,042 Dude, how? 246 00:12:12,142 --> 00:12:15,745 I... am... the beach! 247 00:12:15,845 --> 00:12:20,485 The [bleep] you say! No! Father, avenge me! 248 00:12:20,585 --> 00:12:23,388 [conch reverberating] 249 00:12:23,488 --> 00:12:26,424 I'm coming, Son! 250 00:12:26,523 --> 00:12:28,392 [people screaming] 251 00:12:28,492 --> 00:12:30,995 Hum-a-hum-a-nuk-a-nuk-a- op-a-wa-ha! 252 00:12:31,094 --> 00:12:33,163 [people screaming] 253 00:12:36,567 --> 00:12:39,103 Yeah, I guess that guy's pretty beach. 254 00:12:39,204 --> 00:12:40,305 [laugh track] 255 00:12:40,405 --> 00:12:42,206 [upbeat music] 256 00:12:42,306 --> 00:12:44,508 Ooh, ha-ha-ha. 257 00:12:44,608 --> 00:12:48,279 Uh-oh, now what did you do? 258 00:12:48,378 --> 00:12:48,945 [audience gasps] 259 00:12:49,046 --> 00:12:49,946 [women groaning] 260 00:12:50,046 --> 00:12:53,785 [bell dinging] 261 00:12:56,787 --> 00:12:58,056 [giggling hoarsely] 262 00:12:58,156 --> 00:13:00,357 Looks like I should have gotten off the bang train 263 00:13:00,456 --> 00:13:04,329 a few stops earlier. Choo-choo! 264 00:13:04,429 --> 00:13:06,964 [sitcom laughter] Am I right, ladies? 265 00:13:07,064 --> 00:13:09,166 First dad joke. 266 00:13:25,784 --> 00:13:29,388 Oh, my God, Steve, Steve... 267 00:13:29,487 --> 00:13:30,688 Oh, my God, Steve, 268 00:13:30,788 --> 00:13:32,691 I just took me a whiz next to the master himself. 269 00:13:32,790 --> 00:13:35,994 Oh, my God, that's amazing. Did you get a look at it? 270 00:13:36,093 --> 00:13:37,995 No, but I saw its shadow. 271 00:13:38,096 --> 00:13:41,298 - It looked like a Goddamn Brontosaurus. - Whoa. 272 00:13:41,399 --> 00:13:42,473 [laughing] 273 00:13:43,052 --> 00:13:44,153 Excuse me, Mr. LaFontaine, 274 00:13:44,253 --> 00:13:46,254 I'm supposed to take your lunch order. 275 00:13:46,355 --> 00:13:49,357 [chuckles] Let me tell you a story about lunch, kid. 276 00:13:49,457 --> 00:13:52,626 So I'm in Thailand shooting a thing with Rebecca De Mornay. 277 00:13:52,726 --> 00:13:55,679 Now, back then, if you wanted to smuggle something into 278 00:13:55,680 --> 00:13:58,632 southern Asia, it had to go, boop, right up your keister. 279 00:13:58,732 --> 00:14:01,603 [thinking] And there I was, standing in front of Buck LaFontaine 280 00:14:01,703 --> 00:14:04,839 as he was telling me one of his legendary Hollywood stories. 281 00:14:04,939 --> 00:14:06,774 I didn't know it then, but I could certainly say now, 282 00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:09,043 that that was the best day of my life. 283 00:14:09,144 --> 00:14:10,913 Little did I know that those mariachis 284 00:14:11,013 --> 00:14:14,149 had replaced my parachute with a stack of King James Bibles. 285 00:14:14,249 --> 00:14:16,652 Until I noticed that his fly was down. 286 00:14:16,751 --> 00:14:18,686 And at that moment, I had to make a split-second decision, 287 00:14:18,787 --> 00:14:23,491 a decision that would alter the course of the rest of my life. 288 00:14:23,591 --> 00:14:26,761 Four different types of mayonnaise, if you can believe it. 289 00:14:26,861 --> 00:14:28,329 Excuse me, Mr. LaFontaine. 290 00:14:28,429 --> 00:14:30,531 I think you accidentally left you fly down. 291 00:14:30,631 --> 00:14:33,067 Ha-ha. That's no accident, son. 292 00:14:33,168 --> 00:14:34,803 I had the zippers removed from every pair of pants I own. 293 00:14:34,903 --> 00:14:37,706 Saves me at least a half an hour a day. 294 00:14:37,807 --> 00:14:39,173 [laughing] 295 00:14:39,274 --> 00:14:40,708 Wow. 296 00:14:40,808 --> 00:14:41,875 Damn, I never thought of that... that's genius. 297 00:14:41,976 --> 00:14:43,345 So can I get you anything from the food truck? 298 00:14:43,444 --> 00:14:44,412 Nothing for me, kid. 299 00:14:44,513 --> 00:14:47,882 - I'm eating beaver for lunch. - Hell, yeah! 300 00:14:47,981 --> 00:14:50,818 Well, I'm just thinking, i I go and get my cosmetology degree, 301 00:14:50,919 --> 00:14:52,920 then I can starting doing... [music changes] 302 00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,289 Oh, that's my song! 303 00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:59,894 - Whoo! - Oh, yeah, that's my jam. 304 00:14:59,995 --> 00:15:02,764 Let's make it rain up in here, you lonely bastards. 305 00:15:02,864 --> 00:15:03,933 [loopy horn notes] 306 00:15:12,177 --> 00:15:13,211 [grunts] Uhh! 307 00:15:13,312 --> 00:15:15,648 Sir William of Barry. Ha-ha, you old goat! 308 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:19,283 What brings you to the Tower of Dragos? 309 00:15:19,384 --> 00:15:20,818 Same as you. Gonna kill Dragos. 310 00:15:20,918 --> 00:15:22,487 You know, bring peace to the realm. 311 00:15:22,587 --> 00:15:24,490 How about you? How are your other quests? 312 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:28,025 Pretty good. I killed a warlock, and I [bleep]-ed a Chimera. 313 00:15:28,125 --> 00:15:30,529 Look at you. I sucked off a Kraken. 314 00:15:30,629 --> 00:15:32,197 That is so awesome. 315 00:15:33,664 --> 00:15:34,699 On three. 316 00:15:34,799 --> 00:15:36,267 Both: One, two, three! 317 00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:38,636 Oh, you mother-[bleep]. 318 00:15:38,737 --> 00:15:42,808 - Oh, shit! - Hey, Dragos. 319 00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:46,112 [dragon screeching] Ah, son of a bitch! 320 00:15:46,211 --> 00:15:49,114 - Sorry about that. Had to do it. - Hey, no worries, mate. 321 00:15:49,213 --> 00:15:51,282 I kind of always knew I'd die by betrayal. 322 00:15:51,383 --> 00:15:52,484 Well, the realm's safe. 323 00:15:52,583 --> 00:15:55,486 I guess you can go on back to your family now. 324 00:15:55,586 --> 00:15:58,189 - Nothing left to slay. - Shit. 325 00:15:58,289 --> 00:16:02,827 I mean... yay. My family. 326 00:16:02,888 --> 00:16:04,255 [children screaming] 327 00:16:04,355 --> 00:16:05,191 - Father. - Papa's home. 328 00:16:05,291 --> 00:16:06,158 Daddy! 329 00:16:06,258 --> 00:16:07,192 [children clamoring] 330 00:16:07,292 --> 00:16:10,162 Is it true? You climbed into the butt of a warlock 331 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:11,463 and you blew him up? 332 00:16:11,562 --> 00:16:14,866 Whoa-ho-ho-ho. Those are just... legends. 333 00:16:14,966 --> 00:16:18,235 I've heard a lot of legends since you've been gone, Ian. 334 00:16:18,336 --> 00:16:22,074 Mostly ones about you shagging horrible creatures and elves. 335 00:16:22,173 --> 00:16:25,209 I never had sex with an elf... during this quest. 336 00:16:25,310 --> 00:16:28,446 Look, Sandra, baby, I know I haven't been around much, 337 00:16:28,547 --> 00:16:30,048 but the realm is safe now. 338 00:16:30,148 --> 00:16:32,183 - We can start over. - Really? 339 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:33,686 [laughs] 340 00:16:33,786 --> 00:16:35,854 You're all of a sudden going to be a family man, 341 00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:39,791 be a father, a husband, without no creatures on the side? 342 00:16:39,892 --> 00:16:44,363 Provide for us, be here all day, every day? 343 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:45,596 [singsong] I brought presents. 344 00:16:45,696 --> 00:16:46,631 [children cheer] 345 00:16:46,731 --> 00:16:49,201 For Matilda, the wings of a harpy. 346 00:16:49,301 --> 00:16:53,338 - Will they make me fly? - No, they're just dead, cut-off wings. 347 00:16:53,438 --> 00:16:56,374 And for Connor and Jack, we've got goblin swords. 348 00:16:56,475 --> 00:16:58,210 - Yay! Swords! - Yay! 349 00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,913 - Agh! It's in me! - My penis! 350 00:17:01,013 --> 00:17:03,682 Great, Ian! Real responsible! 351 00:17:03,782 --> 00:17:05,817 Give our children weapons, right?! 352 00:17:05,917 --> 00:17:09,153 Honestly, and what did you get me, huh? Another mouth to feed? 353 00:17:09,254 --> 00:17:12,957 A nudie picture of some owl-bear you're banging? 354 00:17:13,058 --> 00:17:17,795 Or the same thing you always get me... STDs and side of nothing! 355 00:17:17,897 --> 00:17:21,766 Of course I got you something. Don't play me like that. 356 00:17:21,867 --> 00:17:24,536 Look, I've got you... this? 357 00:17:24,636 --> 00:17:28,139 A gorgon head? What the hell am I gonna do with... 358 00:17:28,239 --> 00:17:29,707 [gasps] 359 00:17:29,808 --> 00:17:31,377 Oh, don't look at... don't look at that. 360 00:17:31,476 --> 00:17:32,945 Whoa-oh, oopsies. 361 00:17:33,044 --> 00:17:34,279 Don't look, I've got to put it back in the sack. 362 00:17:34,379 --> 00:17:36,581 - Get it, Daddy, get... - Don't look, don't look. 363 00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:41,352 No. No, what have I... what have I done? 364 00:17:41,453 --> 00:17:42,854 [dramatic music] 365 00:17:42,954 --> 00:17:45,557 I'm just going on a quest to save my family! 366 00:17:45,657 --> 00:17:47,292 They were all turned to stone! 367 00:17:47,391 --> 00:17:48,996 I don't know how it happened. 368 00:17:50,766 --> 00:17:52,301 [phone ringing] Hello, TripTank. 369 00:17:52,401 --> 00:17:55,538 Hello, Steven. This is the network calling. 370 00:17:55,637 --> 00:17:56,937 Oh, what can I do for you? 371 00:17:57,038 --> 00:17:58,574 I just wanted you to know that everyone is delighted 372 00:17:58,673 --> 00:18:03,278 with the job you've all been doing, so no one needs to die. 373 00:18:03,377 --> 00:18:04,178 Did you say "die"? 374 00:18:04,278 --> 00:18:08,049 "TripTank" is fun and funny. Punishments and vivisections 375 00:18:08,150 --> 00:18:12,755 - are completely unnecessary... for now. - Oh, that's... great? 376 00:18:12,855 --> 00:18:14,323 So just keep up the good work, Steve. 377 00:18:14,422 --> 00:18:16,758 And try not to think about the terrible consequences 378 00:18:16,857 --> 00:18:19,861 that befall those who fail us. [laughing hoarsely] 379 00:18:21,197 --> 00:18:24,533 - I mean, good-bye. - Okay, bye-bye. 380 00:18:24,634 --> 00:18:26,267 "Bye-bye"? Why the hell would I say bye-bye? 381 00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:29,771 Who says bye-bye? God, Steve, you're an idiot. 382 00:18:29,872 --> 00:18:30,939 [banging, clattering] 383 00:18:31,038 --> 00:18:32,106 Hey, what's going on in there? 384 00:18:32,207 --> 00:18:33,809 Oh, my God, it's a total disaster. 385 00:18:33,909 --> 00:18:36,845 Buck's lost his mind. He's off the reservation. 386 00:18:36,944 --> 00:18:39,181 He thought the camera was a coffeemaker, man. 387 00:18:39,281 --> 00:18:41,082 He replaced the microphone with a live snake. 388 00:18:41,182 --> 00:18:44,385 He's got the key grip doing the dolly grip's job. 389 00:18:44,486 --> 00:18:47,221 - What?! That's crazy! - Guys, I don't know. 390 00:18:47,323 --> 00:18:49,324 Maybe Buck's not the director he used to be. 391 00:18:49,423 --> 00:18:51,727 Man, if this sketch isn't the best thing he's ever done, 392 00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:53,428 they're gonna shut down that orphanage. 393 00:18:53,528 --> 00:18:54,997 [both gasp] Wait, what? 394 00:18:55,096 --> 00:18:57,920 Again, it just seems like that's just a dramatic kind of... 395 00:18:57,955 --> 00:18:59,168 [crashing, screaming] 396 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:01,746 Oh, that's bad. 397 00:19:01,781 --> 00:19:03,339 [engine revving] 398 00:19:03,439 --> 00:19:06,308 [upbeat electronic music] 399 00:19:15,164 --> 00:19:18,335 You guys, I'm really nervous about this screening. 400 00:19:18,435 --> 00:19:20,169 Remember, if this sketch isn't great, 401 00:19:20,270 --> 00:19:21,971 them poor orphans are out on their tits. 402 00:19:22,070 --> 00:19:25,140 It's gonna be a dirty-ass crying shame. Crying shame. 403 00:19:25,242 --> 00:19:26,609 Can one of you please explain, step by step, 404 00:19:26,710 --> 00:19:30,613 how a "TripTank" sketch could in any way affect an orphanage? 405 00:19:30,713 --> 00:19:32,447 Let's roll it. 406 00:19:32,548 --> 00:19:34,451 [film reel whirring] 407 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:37,454 [dramatic music] 408 00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:39,021 Bring forth the condemned. 409 00:19:45,494 --> 00:19:47,829 [crowd jeering] 410 00:19:47,929 --> 00:19:50,599 Grayclaw, before I hand down your sentence, 411 00:19:50,700 --> 00:19:51,501 I must go on record and say 412 00:19:51,600 --> 00:19:53,136 that the gruesome depictions 413 00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:57,406 of mutilation and cannibalism at these proceedings 414 00:19:57,506 --> 00:20:02,477 has turned my pyloric stomach inside out. 415 00:20:02,578 --> 00:20:03,747 You're a monster! 416 00:20:03,847 --> 00:20:05,381 Yes, I'm a monster. 417 00:20:05,481 --> 00:20:09,618 Monster you needed to snap out of your delusion called society. 418 00:20:09,719 --> 00:20:12,856 The only crime we commit is this great lie called order. 419 00:20:12,955 --> 00:20:16,091 Order's a slave to chaos, and I am its prophet. 420 00:20:16,192 --> 00:20:19,494 Your laws are crimes. You are all guilty! 421 00:20:19,595 --> 00:20:22,898 Enough. Grayclaw, I hereby sentence you to death... 422 00:20:22,999 --> 00:20:27,671 the execution to be carried out immediately. 423 00:20:27,771 --> 00:20:30,706 This is why your kind will always burn, Grayclaw. 424 00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:31,741 Laws are an agreement. 425 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:34,310 [all screaming] Who's talking? 426 00:20:35,344 --> 00:20:39,314 No. Please... ohhhhh! 427 00:20:39,415 --> 00:20:42,184 Whyyyy? 428 00:20:42,284 --> 00:20:45,654 [whispering] Sweet oblivion, here I come. 429 00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:51,994 [laughing heartily] 430 00:20:52,095 --> 00:20:54,763 - I love it, I love it! - Beautiful! 431 00:20:54,864 --> 00:20:57,700 - Yeah! - Wonderful! Tour de force! 432 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,202 Buck LaFontaine is back on top. 433 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,538 The orphanage is saved! 434 00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:04,007 - Now, where's my lunch? - I've got it, Buck. 435 00:21:04,008 --> 00:21:05,728 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 436 00:21:05,750 --> 00:21:08,146 The striptease should be sensual and arousing. 437 00:21:08,245 --> 00:21:12,154 You're dancing like you got a piece of shit in your shoe or something. 438 00:21:12,189 --> 00:21:15,635 The dance you're doing looks like... like she just had foot surgery. 439 00:21:15,670 --> 00:21:17,704 This looks like the dance you do with, 440 00:21:17,705 --> 00:21:20,757 you've got so fat ass, it looks like you pooped your pants. 441 00:21:20,807 --> 00:21:25,357 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 34487

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