Original subtitles

- Thank you. - My pleasure.

- Young fella, get the door please. - Uh, sure.

[mumbling]

- Keep it open, pal. - Thanks, chief.

[grunts] No problem.

Single file, everyone.

- Oh, what the f... - Stay together. Where's your buddy?

- Hurry up, children, let's go! - Ladder coming through.

Motherf...

Could you please hold the door, mister?

No, I can't hold the door

because I am not a [bleep] doorman!

[groans] Asshole.

[techno music]

[phone ringing]

Hello, TripTank.

You guys are giving me all kinds of problems.

Well, sorry about that. What can I do to help?

All I want to do is grope my girlfriend

at the duck pond, and you ruined it.

Um, I don't see how we could've... Oh, wait, maybe Chaz.

The woman's the love of my life.

She stole my heart. I didn't ask for her.

I didn't ask to fall in love with her, but I did.

And she wants to stay here and watch this damn "TripTank" thing.

[whispers] Psst, Steve, hey, Steve.

- Not now, Roy, jeez. - She's glued to this TV.

- I don't know what you guys are showing. - Well, we show a wide range

of fast-paced, hard-hitting comedy shorts

presented in a variety of mind-bending animation styles.

- Come on, man! - Roy, I'm on the phone.

- I need you, best friend brother. - Ugh. Hold, please.

Look, I can't just leave the desk. I have an important job.

[laughs] That's a good one, buddy.

But seriously, I need you to come with me to the supply closet.

I'd go by myself, but that place is crawling with ghosts.

Really? With the ghost again, Roy?

It's a goddamn swirling bait ball

- of bloodthirsty undead in there, man. - Ugh, fine!

He'll crawl around the air ducts all day,

but he's too scared to go in the closet by himself.

Man, there ain't no ghosts in the air ducts.

All the Draculas chase them away.

[suspenseful music]

[gunshot] [horse neighs]

[heavy metal music]

Adios, caballo. I'm in Mexico.

[techno music]

- So then... - Uh-huh.

He brought out this amazing wedding ring

and asked her to marry him. [gasps]

- Oh, it's about time, hmm? - Right, honey?

Now you just rest here and let my magic set for about 20 minutes,

and let me get you some magazines, girl.

Oh, no, no, no. I always have something to read in my purse.

Well, hold on now,

'cause I think your belongings are at my station.

Oh, sweet Jesus! Not in here.

[laughs] Here we go.

[all gasp]

- Did you just... - Upgrade to 5G?

Oh, you better believe it. Now it's totally worth it.

[cash register dings]

? Three aliens came from the sky ?

? The galactic council sent them ?

All: And here's the reason why

? Their mission is to study ?

? Earth's most average guy ?

All: See if humans are worth saving

? Or if everyone has to die ?

Wait, what?

[sighs]

[lively music on TV] Hmm?

Come to Jamaica.

Surround yourself with just beautiful creatures.

[insects buzzing]

Yeah, mon. Spend your days with beautiful people.

- Direct hit. - Ah, sick!

Ugh.

And when you're done snorkeling,

you can go hike through an old growth forest.

- When you're done mopping... - Huh?

You can clean out these old, weird growths out of the toilet.

[groans]

[dogs barking]

[groans]

I wish there's just some way to get away from it all

but still be back here tomorrow for work.

I mean, I guess I could just get high.

Wait a second. I got an idea!

[computer beeping]

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Since our planet is so close to a black hole,

a whole week of vacation there is only two seconds back on Earth.

[laughs] Why haven't we done this yet?

Wow. [tranquil music]

Oh, my God! It's Jeff, the human!

[all scream]

You guys know who I am?

I watch your feed, like, every single night.

- Your boss is such a dick. - [laughs] Oh, well...

- Well, thank you very much. - Can we take a pictoscan?

Sure, okay! Duck face!

[techno music playing]

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi. Yes!

All: Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!

[moaning]

Wow.

[buzzer] I don't know. [laughs]

[all moaning]

Ah.

Yeah!

[reggae music]

Oh! [laughs] This is exactly what I needed.

Hey, Jeff, that girl's looking at you.

Is, uh... is that the one you hooked up with last night?

[groaning]

[laughs] Come on, guys.

The chick last night was a perfect ten.

She had a bangin' body, short blonde hair,

and she did this move with her tongue piercing...

- Oh, my God. [laughs] - Jeff!

- Oh! - Um, we need to talk.

- Dude, did you use a condom? - Of course.

Okay, good, good, good.

- A space condom, right? - What the hell is that? [screams]

Oh, my God!

No, I can't handle this kind of responsibility!

[screams]

[gasps]

[all crying] You're going to help me take care of our children, right, Jeff?

- Uh... - Not before he takes care of our children!

- Oh, my God! - Welcome to the family, son.

- Huh? - Now, you listen to me, you little turd.

[gasps]

You're gonna come work for me

until you've put these kids through college.

- College? - Or I'm gonna zap

that irresponsible, raw-dogging dick of yours

right off your body.

[laughs] Good news! He's gonna join the family business.

[chuckles] What's the family business?

All: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

[grunting]

Psst, hey, quick question.

Um, what age do most people go to college on this planet?

[screams] No talking!

All: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa [sighs]

- Get your feet off of that, okay? - All right, all right!

God damn it, Jeff! We already talked about this!

- Get those feet off of that table! - Stop it! Stop yelling at me!

All: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa [sighs]

[screams] No sighing!

All: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa

- [quivers, then screams] No quivering! - No excessive whipping!

[classical music playing] [applause]

Yes! Hey, let's get the [bleep] out of here.

[computer beeping]

[groaning] [door opens]

Oh, there you are, Jeff. We got a lot of work to do.

The freezer malfunctioned last night. There's black mold everywhere...

Jesus Christ! What happened to you?

I was, uh, on vacation.

[techno music]

Is it true that elephants have a really good memory?

That's right!

Then, what did you do on the fifth of July in 1977?

I, uh...

Uh, I can't recall that day.

[techno music]

[suspenseful music]

[flute playing]

[snake hissing] [silenced gunshot]

[heavy metal music]

These clarinet lessons are really paying off.

Okay, grab whatever you need and make it quick.

The cordless phone doesn't work in here for some strange reason.

Duh, it's all that pent-up, psycho kinetic energy

jacking up the physical world, man.

Damn, Skippy, we're out of toner.

- What do you need toner for? - Oh, I got a hot date, man.

I got to do a little hand to hand, turn and burn on the streets, man,

liquefy some assets, get some cash in pocket.

Well, the delivery guy is coming by later today

with a whole pallet of toner.

Hello... hello... hello... hello. Hello.

Hello, Roy. [screams]

Oh, man, it's the ghoul! I'm out of here!

Roy! Damn it. You locked me in!

Hell... Hell... Hello.

Hello, Steve.

What? Who's there?

Hell... hell... hell... hello. TripTank.

Can I help... can I help you?

Can I kill you?

[screams]

- [glass breaks] Shit! - Is somebody there?

God, sorry. That's my bad.

I will... I'll pay for that.

I have one, two, three... $6 and an iTunes gift card.

- Do you want an iTunes gift card? - No. Who are you?

- I'm your fairy godmother. - What? Like in the stories?

Uh-huh, and I came here to get you ready for the ball.

[babbles]

Ta-da!

Did you just turn my computer into a pumpkin?!

[laughs]

You said "pupkin." That's not a word.

- Pumpkin is a word. - Wait, wait. How am I saying it?

Pup, pump, pup, pumpin, punkpin?

Pumpkin. Can you turn it back, please?

But what are you gonna ride to the ball, sweetheart?

Okay, A: I don't think I can ride that

because it is a pumpkin, and, B: I'm not going to a ball.

- Ugh. Well, then where are you going? - To school. In four hours.

Then we got lots of time.

- You want to do some shots? - No.

I mean, we could just drink straight-up cough syrup.

I mean, that's what you kids do, right?

- No! - Okay, okay, okay. Look, here.

My friend Doug is supposed to call me,

but he hasn't called me yet, so I don't want to go to bed.

- I'm... sorry? - Can you just text him for me

from your phone and ask him where he is?

I don't have a phone!

And if I did, I wouldn't be texting adult men with it!

Doug is not an adult. He's only 27.

Can you please just change my computer back?

You're no fun.

[babbles]

Ta-da!

[bleep]. What is wrong with this thing?

- I think you should go. - No, no, I'm gonna fix this

because I am your fairy [bleep] godmother

and I'm gonna do it.

Abracadabra and...

Yes! I turned a popkin into a pumpkin.

- Dad! - Wait, shh.

Dad!

Shh, shh. Wait, wait. How old is your dad?

- Ugh. I don't know, in his 40s? - Oh, well, that's too old.

27 is my limit. I have a boyfriend, so I'm gonna go.

- Toodle... [crashes] - Dad!

Wait, wait, wait, but first,

we got to make that dress real pretty for the ball.

Sha-slam!

[groaning]

Oh. Whoopsie!

[vomits, phone ringing]

[phone beeps] Hello.

Yo, where are you? We're still raging.

Damn! I will be right there, Doug! Got me?

I just had to help this little girl get ready for the ball.

You're welcome.

[window opens]

Oh. [screams]

[laughs]

Dad!

What is it, pumpkin? Pumpkin!

[techno music]

Oh, no. Karen, honey, we've... we've got it.

- Oh, don't be silly, Steve! - So please don't...

I've got my card right here in my purse.

- Please, not again! - No, no, no, no, no!

[grunting]

- Oh! - Oh, God!

Gosh, it's somewhere in here. Oh, ah!

There we go. [laughs]

What? What?

Oh, you need to check my license, don't you, hon? Hold on.

[cash register dings]

Roy, let me out! There's something in here with me!

Ah, shit. The door's locked.

I'll run and get the spare key.

It gets so... so... so... so lonely in here.

How... How... How about a game, Steve?

I like games.

Cookies. [screams]

Oh, no, Roy, you've done it this time.

Oh, you got your BFB murdered by a ghost.

Okay, got to stay focused. Get the key. Save Steve.

Get the key. Save Steve. Oh, here we go.

Now to go sa... [phone ringing]

Hello. TripTank. You got Roy.

I've been watching your TV show, and I would like a job.

My friend said I do a lot of funny voices,

so I'd like to try a few for you.

Sounds good, man. Let's hear them.

Look at me! I'm a talking poop!

I smell like shit, and I'm ready to have a magical adventure!

Hell yeah.

I just saw my sister naked, and now I have to kill myself.

- Yeah, good. - I'm the Greek god Poseidon,

and my nipples look like Granny Smith apples.

- That's a great one. - Hey, I'm a cop.

Put your hands in the air, and pull your pants to the ground.

- Arresting! - I like that one too.

So, uh, think about it and get back to me?

And I'll be hiding out in the back seat of your car till then.

Okay, thanks, bye.

[techno music]

[thunder]

Help! Roy! Where are you?

Roy...Roy... Roy's not coming back.

No one is... is ever coming back.

Oh, my God. I can't die a virgin.

[whimpering]

Why did you... did you leave me in here...

leave me in here, Steve? Cookies.

We just didn't leave you in here!

We thought you were out of power!

Now I've got all the power!

[laughter]

[laser zaps]

[techno music]

[triumphant music]

[drumroll]

[ding] Citizens of Egg Man Land!

I sold your souls to buy a new Jet Ski.

[crowd cheers] And you didn't even notice!

[all cheering]

Today, I feel your pain.

I know you work hard, long hours

in terrible, horrible conditions.

You don't see your families for weeks on end.

And then, oh, your money goes straight to me!

I bet you're all wondering how I spend it.

[all cheer]

Do you really want to know how I spend these sacks of cash?

All: Gusto rules! Gusto rules!

I don't.

[crowd cheers]

? Gusto ?

? Gusto, Gusto ?

[gunshot]

[rock music]

- Ugh. I hate surprises, Karl. - Yeah, and I hate condors.

But those assholes are protected, so what are you gonna do?

Besides, it's your birthday.

Man up, stop being a little bitch, and...

- surprise! - Welcome to Karma Spa,

where you get the treatment you deserve.

Ah, homo hairygatos.

I believe you have a reservation for one Anau Jiram

and his roommate.

Two for one massage package. Good deal.

Oh, of course. Happy birthday, me.

- Karl gets a massage. - You pay up now!

Hey, don't worry, I'll get you back. Right now, I got to pre-lube.

There's a good chance you might see a glory hole.

That's not for your eye. Okay.

Behind door number one is Dump. [grunts]

Door number two is Ling. [giggles]

- You pick one! - Ling.

Oh, no way, a TV in the floor! [giggles]

[laughs] Ow, ow, ow.

[giggles]

Watch, please.

- Hey, that's me! - Mine.

Uh-oh. You take biggest piece of cake for piggy self.

- Bad pig. - Wait, what the hell is...

[screams]

Treatment you deserve! Next!

[coughs]

Oops, you tripped.

- You like rough ball play? - No, no, no, no!

Okay, hotshot, we play rough with ball!

- No, no, no, no, no! - Now!

[wailing] Son of a bitch!

Touchdown! Treatment you deserve!

Denise?

I respect that you're saving yourself, Denise,

but four out of five doctors

say it's totally cool if I put it in your butt.

Show yourself, she-devil!

? Treatment you deserve ?

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[squish] [screams]

Oh, my God! I can't believe I paid for this.

Behind door number one is Dump.

Door number two is Ling.

- You pick one. - Ling.

- What? No! - So you're friend give

you birthday surprise, and you give him fatty?

No! I mean yes. I don't know.

Karl sucks. He made me pay on my birthday!

He deserves the fatty!

[footsteps] Who you call fatty?

Hey, you don't know. She emotional eater.

Food is my imaginary friend that I eat.

- What? No! - Yeah! Swamp boat!

Gun it, round-eye! [screams]

[coughs and spits]

I can taste it in my nose! I've been napalmed.

Karl, where are you? [moaning]

Hold on, Karl! I'll save you!

- Oh, that's nice, Su. - Why the [bleep] aren't you getting

the karmic shit kicked out of you?

I slipped the old dude 20 bucks for a happy ending.

Oh, which reminds me, I owe you 20 bucks.

[screams]

One more swamp boat!

- It's my birthday. - Oh, yeah.

[panting]

Happy birthday from Karma Spa.

- Happy birthday, buddy. - [bleep] you, Karl.

Sayonara, bitches.

[techno music]

[screaming]

[both scream and laugh]

Oh, my God. This is the best.

Oh, it could not get any better, unless we had some refreshments.

Guess who snuck them in. [giggles]

Oh, okay, um... [grunting]

Ah! [sighs] [gulping]

Oh, my God. Jesus, Karen!

Oh, I'm sorry. How rude of me.

You guys want some?

[all scream]

[cash register dings]

[techno music playing]

- Can I get you to sign here? - Sure, man. No problem.

Hey, uh, where's the other guy?

Other guy? What the hell are you talking about?

You know, the other guy

with the stupid shirts, "Phantom of the Opera" face,

and the body like a sack of mashed potatoes.

- Oh, shit, Steve! - Yeah, Steve.

What happened to that asshole? Yo, chief, slow down!

You don't want to leave all this toner here, man.

This shit's expensive.

[techno music]

[techno music]

[suspenseful music]

[heavy metal music]

That's not a knife. This is a knife.

...

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