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1
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,439
Oh, crap, my paper
on white pants is due tomorrow.
2
00:00:10,639 --> 00:00:14,638
I still haven't done any research.
All right, why...
3
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:18,638
"d-don't you watch porn?"
4
00:00:18,639 --> 00:00:20,638
Oh, why don't I watch porn?
5
00:00:20,639 --> 00:00:22,638
[zipper opens]
[chuckles]
6
00:00:22,639 --> 00:00:24,638
? Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn ?
7
00:00:24,639 --> 00:00:27,638
? Porn, p-porn, p-porn, tissue ?
8
00:00:27,639 --> 00:00:30,066
[electronic music]
9
00:00:30,252 --> 00:00:33,338
2x13 - Sick Day
10
00:00:33,639 --> 00:00:35,638
I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's just
11
00:00:35,639 --> 00:00:37,638
another nursing home
I can't go back to.
12
00:00:37,639 --> 00:00:40,638
Dude, your spontaneous boners
are really becoming a problem.
13
00:00:40,639 --> 00:00:42,638
Uh, agree to disagree.
14
00:00:42,639 --> 00:00:45,638
Yo, mmm, pass me another
stack of Gary's mail.
15
00:00:45,639 --> 00:00:48,573
Guys, you're never gonna
believe what I just saw!
16
00:00:48,608 --> 00:00:49,638
- Sasquatch.
- Boobies.
17
00:00:49,639 --> 00:00:52,638
No, I was over at Gary's house
peeking in his windows.
18
00:00:52,639 --> 00:00:53,638
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
19
00:00:53,639 --> 00:00:55,638
And that son of a bitch
is sick as a dog.
20
00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:56,638
- Oh, good.
- That bozo can suck it.
21
00:00:56,639 --> 00:01:00,638
No, not good. You know these
delicious baby back ribs?
22
00:01:00,639 --> 00:01:02,638
Well, I stole them
out of Gary's smoker.
23
00:01:02,639 --> 00:01:05,638
What? That son of a bitch's germs
are all over these delicious ribs?
24
00:01:05,639 --> 00:01:08,638
That son of a bitch is trying
to get us all sick.
25
00:01:08,639 --> 00:01:10,638
- Son of a bitch.
- No, no, no, I can't get sick.
26
00:01:10,639 --> 00:01:11,638
You know I've got
that thing this week.
27
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:14,638
Of course I know that. I'm the
one who booked the appointment.
28
00:01:14,639 --> 00:01:16,638
Whoa, wait a second, guys.
29
00:01:16,639 --> 00:01:17,638
You know how I'm deep
into super-couponing?
30
00:01:17,639 --> 00:01:18,638
- We're aware.
- So stupid.
31
00:01:18,639 --> 00:01:22,638
- Well... - Holy shit!
- So awesome!
32
00:01:22,639 --> 00:01:24,638
I know, right?
With all my coupons,
33
00:01:24,639 --> 00:01:26,638
the store basically paid me
seven cents a bottle
34
00:01:26,639 --> 00:01:28,638
to take all
this cough syrup home.
35
00:01:28,639 --> 00:01:31,638
Take that, Gary. So much for
your plan to get us all sick.
36
00:01:31,639 --> 00:01:34,638
So, uh, how much cough syrup
you think we need
37
00:01:34,639 --> 00:01:36,638
- to get all this Gary out of our bodies.
- I don't know.
38
00:01:36,639 --> 00:01:38,638
This stuff is supposed to be
pretty strong.
39
00:01:38,639 --> 00:01:40,084
Guys, we should probably
play it safe.
40
00:01:40,119 --> 00:01:42,638
- Yeah, smart.
- So, one bottle each?
41
00:01:42,639 --> 00:01:45,048
That sounds right.
[all chugging]
42
00:01:45,639 --> 00:01:46,638
[glass shattering]
43
00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:48,638
You know, I did eat
a shit-ton of those ribs.
44
00:01:48,639 --> 00:01:50,638
- As did I.
- Right, one more bottle, then?
45
00:01:50,639 --> 00:01:52,638
Yeah, that should do the trick.
46
00:01:52,639 --> 00:01:54,638
[all chugging, glass shattering]
47
00:01:54,639 --> 00:01:55,638
You know,
now that I think about it,
48
00:01:55,639 --> 00:01:58,638
I spent over an hour pressed up
against Gary's window.
49
00:01:58,639 --> 00:02:00,638
I was probably exposed
to a lot of Gary germs.
50
00:02:00,639 --> 00:02:03,638
Holy shit, we've been touching
his mail all afternoon!
51
00:02:03,639 --> 00:02:05,638
Okay, one last bottle,
just to be on the safe side.
52
00:02:05,639 --> 00:02:08,165
Down the hatch.
[all chugging]
53
00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:11,138
If I can be brutally honest,
I don't hate the way
54
00:02:11,139 --> 00:02:14,638
- this stuff tastes over here.
- Yeah, it's all grapy and delicious.
55
00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:16,638
Mmm, and I'm gonna need
something to wash these ribs down.
56
00:02:16,639 --> 00:02:19,638
You know what?
Let me get some cups, some ice.
57
00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,638
We'll come back down here,
crack open a few more bottles,
58
00:02:22,639 --> 00:02:26,638
and plan our ultimate revenge
on Gary like civilized people.
59
00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:28,638
- I second that plan.
- Agreed. Mmm.
60
00:02:28,639 --> 00:02:32,638
Oh, it's times like this
I wish Barbara was still around
61
00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,638
to make me a bowl
of warm chicken soup.
62
00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:36,638
Nah, she'd probably just yell at me.
63
00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:37,638
[knock at door]
Doorbell!
64
00:02:37,639 --> 00:02:39,638
Oh, who could that be?
65
00:02:39,639 --> 00:02:41,638
Guys?
66
00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:44,638
- [grunts] Disguises.
- Hi, you're gross.
67
00:02:44,639 --> 00:02:46,638
Dana, Andy, Matt, what's going on?
68
00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:49,638
It's us you jerk.
[screaming]
69
00:02:49,639 --> 00:02:52,138
Just your classic all the
cough syrup 'cause I've
70
00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:55,261
got an appointment to get
my hairs cut prank revenge.
71
00:02:55,296 --> 00:02:57,638
[moaning]
72
00:02:57,639 --> 00:02:59,638
Suck it, Gary.
[vomits]
73
00:02:59,639 --> 00:03:01,638
[all panting, grunt]
74
00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:03,638
[tires squeal]
75
00:03:03,639 --> 00:03:04,638
[screams]
76
00:03:04,639 --> 00:03:06,638
[yelling]
77
00:03:06,639 --> 00:03:08,638
[car horn blaring]
78
00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:11,638
[cell phone beeps]
[line trilling]
79
00:03:11,639 --> 00:03:12,638
911, what's your emergency?
80
00:03:12,639 --> 00:03:14,638
Hey, Wanda, it's me again.
81
00:03:14,639 --> 00:03:16,638
Oh, hey, Gary.
Do the guys need help?
82
00:03:16,639 --> 00:03:19,638
Yeah, better send an ambulance...
83
00:03:19,639 --> 00:03:21,638
and the fire department too.
84
00:03:21,639 --> 00:03:25,639
? Suck it, Gary ?
85
00:03:27,469 --> 00:03:30,468
Oh, God, I'm so sick.
86
00:03:30,469 --> 00:03:33,468
I feel like Lil' Sandy
at the Build-a-Bear Workshop.
87
00:03:33,469 --> 00:03:36,468
I'm stuffed.
I'm all... I'm all stuffed up.
88
00:03:36,469 --> 00:03:38,468
Anybody?
Roy?
89
00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:41,468
Ugh. I shouldn't have come into
work today. [telephone ringing]
90
00:03:41,469 --> 00:03:43,468
Hello, hello, SickTank...
I mean TripTank.
91
00:03:43,469 --> 00:03:47,468
Hey, man. I'm just a radical
dude with a fresh attitude.
92
00:03:47,469 --> 00:03:49,243
I don't play
by anybody's rules.
93
00:03:49,278 --> 00:03:50,468
Why don't I come down there?
94
00:03:50,469 --> 00:03:52,468
We could pop some grinds
on our skateboards.
95
00:03:52,469 --> 00:03:54,468
Ugh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sick.
96
00:03:54,469 --> 00:03:56,468
We'll just turn our caps
around backwards 'cause...
97
00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:58,126
[door opens]
Mom! Shut the door!
98
00:03:58,161 --> 00:04:00,468
I'm on the phone!
Told you a million times!
99
00:04:00,469 --> 00:04:02,468
- Sorry about that, man.
- Ugh, no problem.
100
00:04:02,469 --> 00:04:04,468
Look, home-skillet,
why don't we go do
101
00:04:04,469 --> 00:04:06,468
some graffitis
down at the youth center?
102
00:04:06,469 --> 00:04:08,468
And then tonight maybe
we can wang-chung at the...
103
00:04:08,469 --> 00:04:11,468
[door opens]
Get grandma out of here!
104
00:04:11,469 --> 00:04:13,468
Everybody out of the bathroom!
105
00:04:13,469 --> 00:04:16,468
I got to split, but I'll catch
you down low on the flip-flop.
106
00:04:16,469 --> 00:04:19,468
[receiver clatters]
I'm dying.
107
00:04:19,469 --> 00:04:22,468
[electronic music]
108
00:04:25,469 --> 00:04:30,468
[lounge music]
[cheers and applause]
109
00:04:30,469 --> 00:04:32,468
All right, my next guest
110
00:04:32,469 --> 00:04:34,468
just released a new album,
"Emoji Hearts"
111
00:04:34,469 --> 00:04:37,468
Please welcome the very
talented Amber Twinklez.
112
00:04:37,469 --> 00:04:40,468
[applause]
113
00:04:40,469 --> 00:04:42,468
So, Amber, how does it feel to have the
114
00:04:42,469 --> 00:04:44,468
- number-one single in America?
- It's crazy, y'all.
115
00:04:44,469 --> 00:04:46,468
A few years ago, I came
to this town with nothing
116
00:04:46,469 --> 00:04:48,468
but a promise ring and a dream.
117
00:04:48,469 --> 00:04:50,468
Now I'm about to go
on a 20-city tour.
118
00:04:50,469 --> 00:04:52,468
I just feel so doggone blessed.
119
00:04:52,469 --> 00:04:53,468
All: Aww.
120
00:04:53,469 --> 00:04:55,468
Well, I'm sure
that seeing your perform live
121
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:58,468
will make a lot of children
around the country very happy.
122
00:04:58,469 --> 00:05:02,468
Yeah, well, my music isn't just
for, like, little kids or whatever.
123
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:06,468
- Hail Satan.
- Huh. Well, I can attest to that.
124
00:05:06,469 --> 00:05:09,468
I, uh, sometimes catch myself
singing your hits in the shower.
125
00:05:09,469 --> 00:05:13,468
? Emoji hearts
flying at me like darts ?
126
00:05:13,469 --> 00:05:14,468
[laughter]
127
00:05:14,469 --> 00:05:17,468
I'm not very good.
[applause]
128
00:05:17,469 --> 00:05:19,468
No, my songs are not for humans.
129
00:05:19,469 --> 00:05:20,468
They are for pansexual,
robot dog-men
130
00:05:20,469 --> 00:05:22,468
- from the year 40,000 A.D.
- Woof, woof.
131
00:05:22,469 --> 00:05:24,468
That's really artistic.
132
00:05:24,469 --> 00:05:27,468
It seems like you're growing up
before our very eyes, Amber.
133
00:05:27,469 --> 00:05:30,468
That's just it.
When you're a celebrity,
134
00:05:30,469 --> 00:05:32,468
people don't want you to change.
135
00:05:32,469 --> 00:05:36,468
I love my fans, but I need the
freedom to discover who I really am.
136
00:05:36,469 --> 00:05:38,468
[roaring]
137
00:05:38,469 --> 00:05:40,468
And if that means
reinventing myself,
138
00:05:40,469 --> 00:05:42,468
I just hope people
won't hate me for that.
139
00:05:42,469 --> 00:05:44,468
That's great.
That's so great.
140
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:47,468
Is there any... anything else?
141
00:05:47,469 --> 00:05:50,468
Well, um, thank you for coming
on the... the program, Amber?
142
00:05:50,469 --> 00:05:54,468
[male voice] Oh, no,
thank you for having me.
143
00:05:54,469 --> 00:05:55,468
You're a real mensch.
144
00:05:55,469 --> 00:05:58,009
And everyone, please,
but the album.
145
00:05:58,044 --> 00:06:01,073
My grandkids, they love it,
and I think you will too.
146
00:06:01,108 --> 00:06:05,468
Amber Twinklez, everyone.
[cheering, vomiting]
147
00:06:05,469 --> 00:06:08,896
Sorry. I have a thing.
[cheers and applause]
148
00:06:10,469 --> 00:06:13,469
[fly buzzing]
149
00:06:17,469 --> 00:06:21,468
[gunshot]
[buzzing stops]
150
00:06:21,469 --> 00:06:26,468
That'll teach you to...
God damn it. [fly buzzing]
151
00:06:26,469 --> 00:06:28,468
[buzzing stops]
152
00:06:28,469 --> 00:06:30,468
That'll teach you...
Ah, son of a bitch.
153
00:06:30,469 --> 00:06:31,468
[gunshots]
[fly buzzing]
154
00:06:31,469 --> 00:06:34,184
[electronic music]
155
00:06:38,271 --> 00:06:42,070
[electronic music]
156
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:47,570
Whoa, Steve, what the hell
happened to you, man?
157
00:06:47,571 --> 00:06:51,070
You look like
a steaming pile of dog shit.
158
00:06:51,071 --> 00:06:52,070
Roy, is that you?
159
00:06:52,071 --> 00:06:54,070
Come closer, I can barely
make out your shape.
160
00:06:54,071 --> 00:06:56,070
I think you're sick, man.
161
00:06:56,071 --> 00:06:57,070
You shouldn't have come in
to work today.
162
00:06:57,071 --> 00:06:59,070
I feel all kinds of weird,
163
00:06:59,071 --> 00:07:02,070
like I'm a figment
of someone else's imagination,
164
00:07:02,071 --> 00:07:04,070
a construct that only exists
to answer these phones
165
00:07:04,071 --> 00:07:07,070
- and verbally joust with you.
- Damn, son, you are sick.
166
00:07:07,071 --> 00:07:10,070
Don't worry, though.
Old Roy's got you covered.
167
00:07:10,071 --> 00:07:12,070
Now, where is it?
Let me see.
168
00:07:12,071 --> 00:07:14,070
Aha. Here we go.
169
00:07:14,071 --> 00:07:16,070
It's my own small-batch
homemade wellness elixir.
170
00:07:16,071 --> 00:07:18,070
I call it Roy-batussin.
171
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:20,070
This shit will make you
right as rain, man.
172
00:07:20,071 --> 00:07:22,070
So what is it, like,
holistic herbs and stuff?
173
00:07:22,071 --> 00:07:24,070
Nah, man, none of that hippie shit.
174
00:07:24,071 --> 00:07:26,070
The active ingredient is petroleum.
175
00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:29,070
- And it works?
- Down the hatch. [chugging]
176
00:07:29,071 --> 00:07:30,070
[gasps]
177
00:07:30,071 --> 00:07:32,070
Tastes like bananas?
178
00:07:32,071 --> 00:07:34,070
That's the banana
Now & Later, man.
179
00:07:34,071 --> 00:07:37,070
I put it in there to cover
up the embalming fluid.
180
00:07:37,071 --> 00:07:41,070
[jazzy music] God, it
smells like a swamp in here.
181
00:07:41,071 --> 00:07:44,070
Another full C-bag?
Ugh. This is the third one today.
182
00:07:44,071 --> 00:07:47,070
Girl, they don't pay you enough.
183
00:07:47,071 --> 00:07:49,070
[moaning]
184
00:07:49,071 --> 00:07:51,070
What the hell was that?
185
00:07:51,071 --> 00:07:54,070
[moaning]
186
00:07:54,071 --> 00:07:55,070
Oh, my God.
187
00:07:55,071 --> 00:07:56,070
Dr. Schwartz, come quick!
188
00:07:56,071 --> 00:07:59,070
The Codeine Three are
waking up from their comas.
189
00:07:59,071 --> 00:08:01,070
[moaning]
190
00:08:01,071 --> 00:08:04,070
It's okay, it's okay.
Take your time.
191
00:08:04,071 --> 00:08:06,070
I'm here.
What are you trying to say?
192
00:08:06,071 --> 00:08:11,070
Suuuc. Iiiit.
193
00:08:11,071 --> 00:08:14,070
- Did you just say, "Suck it"?
- Suck it!
194
00:08:14,071 --> 00:08:16,070
- Suck it! Suck it!
- Suck it! Suck it!
195
00:08:16,071 --> 00:08:20,070
All: [chanting]
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it!
196
00:08:20,071 --> 00:08:22,070
Suck it, Gary!
197
00:08:22,071 --> 00:08:26,070
Yes, they're okay.
My guys are okay.
198
00:08:26,071 --> 00:08:29,070
- Sounds like they're gonna be all right.
- I'm gonna be all right, too,
199
00:08:29,071 --> 00:08:31,070
now that you're giving me
one of your kidneys.
200
00:08:31,071 --> 00:08:33,070
Wait. I thought I was getting
one of your kidneys.
201
00:08:33,071 --> 00:08:37,070
? Suck it, Gary ?
202
00:08:37,071 --> 00:08:39,575
[electronic music]
203
00:08:42,071 --> 00:08:45,070
[traditional Japanese music]
204
00:08:45,071 --> 00:08:46,070
Hmm.
[camera shutter clicking]
205
00:08:46,071 --> 00:08:49,070
Going to send this one to ninjabuddy08.
206
00:08:49,071 --> 00:08:54,070
Slide up in that bitch DMs like haha.
You know you like it.
207
00:08:54,071 --> 00:08:56,070
And look at the size of...
[clatter]
208
00:08:56,071 --> 00:08:57,070
[clears throat]
209
00:08:57,071 --> 00:09:00,070
- Both: Sir.
- Yes. Has the target been spotted?
210
00:09:00,071 --> 00:09:03,070
Yes, sir, the mob
boss Franky Fingerstink
211
00:09:03,071 --> 00:09:06,070
and his entourage meeting in
The Tea Bagger fine China shop.
212
00:09:06,071 --> 00:09:08,070
Clearly a front for their true hideout.
213
00:09:08,071 --> 00:09:11,070
This is to be done
in the true ninja way...
214
00:09:11,071 --> 00:09:15,070
quickly, discreetly,
and, above all else, silently.
215
00:09:15,071 --> 00:09:19,070
Send the "dispatchment" team in
now.
216
00:09:19,071 --> 00:09:22,070
Uh, sir, there is already
an assassin on the scene.
217
00:09:22,071 --> 00:09:26,070
Yeah, we, uh, told him we had it,
but he kind of insisted.
218
00:09:26,071 --> 00:09:30,070
Yeah, uh, in a rather loud manner.
219
00:09:30,071 --> 00:09:33,070
Oh, Lord, no.
[gong]
220
00:09:33,071 --> 00:09:36,070
All right, all right.
This meeting will come to order.
221
00:09:36,071 --> 00:09:39,070
First order of business...
anybody caught posting selfies
222
00:09:39,071 --> 00:09:41,070
on the organized life
in crime style Web page
223
00:09:41,071 --> 00:09:43,070
will be immediately shot in the face.
224
00:09:43,071 --> 00:09:44,070
[click, people grumbling]
225
00:09:44,071 --> 00:09:45,070
Wha... What the hell?
What the hell just happened?
226
00:09:45,071 --> 00:09:49,070
I bet you spaghetti-slurping
mother[bleep] wondering
227
00:09:49,071 --> 00:09:50,070
what the hell
just happened, huh?
228
00:09:50,071 --> 00:09:52,070
Well, yeah, which would explain
229
00:09:52,071 --> 00:09:53,070
why I just asked,
"What the hell just happened?"
230
00:09:53,071 --> 00:09:56,070
You're asking yourselves
"Where did the lights go?"
231
00:09:56,071 --> 00:09:58,070
"Why am I suddenly
shrouded in darkness
232
00:09:58,071 --> 00:10:00,070
being tormented
by the angel of death?"
233
00:10:00,071 --> 00:10:01,070
Why?
Oh, shit.
234
00:10:01,071 --> 00:10:04,070
Hey, while that guy was yelling,
I found the light switch.
235
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,070
[people murmuring]
Right, now, where was I?
236
00:10:05,071 --> 00:10:08,070
Oh, yeah... tormented
by the angel of death,
237
00:10:08,071 --> 00:10:10,070
waiting in darkness
to be slain by the greatest...
238
00:10:10,071 --> 00:10:12,070
- God damn it.
- Hey, I got the sandwiches.
239
00:10:12,071 --> 00:10:14,070
You guys sitting around
in the dark for?
240
00:10:14,071 --> 00:10:16,070
- Holy...
- Your time in near!
241
00:10:16,071 --> 00:10:20,070
All you bitches will taste
my cold mother[bleep] steel!
242
00:10:20,071 --> 00:10:22,070
Why's he yelling?
I thought ninjas were
243
00:10:22,071 --> 00:10:24,070
supposed to be, like, quiet
and stealthy and shit.
244
00:10:24,071 --> 00:10:26,070
Yeah, I was just thinking
the same thing.
245
00:10:26,071 --> 00:10:28,070
And why is he wearing
fluorescent colors?
246
00:10:28,071 --> 00:10:30,070
You can see this guy coming
a mile away.
247
00:10:30,071 --> 00:10:32,070
Yeah, not very stealthy at all.
248
00:10:32,071 --> 00:10:34,070
- Pretty shitty as far as ninjas go.
- Yeah, pretty shitty,
249
00:10:34,071 --> 00:10:38,070
by the way, I am impressed with
your usage of the word "stealthy."
250
00:10:38,071 --> 00:10:40,070
Yeah, I've been doing
a bit of reading lately,
251
00:10:40,071 --> 00:10:42,070
you know, in between beating
guys to death with baseball bats
252
00:10:42,071 --> 00:10:45,070
and shooting people
in the head and whatnot,
253
00:10:45,071 --> 00:10:46,070
you know, trying to be
a better me, you know?
254
00:10:46,071 --> 00:10:48,070
Yeah, I definitely see a difference.
255
00:10:48,071 --> 00:10:50,070
- Well, thanks for noticing.
- Don't mention...
256
00:10:50,071 --> 00:10:54,070
My sword is making you all his bitch!
I'm in your ass with no kiss!
257
00:10:54,071 --> 00:10:57,070
Is he rhyming?
Is this guy rhyming while talking?
258
00:10:57,071 --> 00:10:58,070
God, that's annoying.
259
00:10:58,071 --> 00:11:01,070
This is easily the most annoying
ninja I have ever dealt with.
260
00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:03,070
Well, I mean,
it's the only ninja I...
261
00:11:03,071 --> 00:11:07,070
Death is my business, bitch, and
business... Oh, shit, my foot.
262
00:11:07,071 --> 00:11:09,070
Is this guy serious?
He's the ninja?
263
00:11:09,071 --> 00:11:11,070
The [bleep] ninja tripping
over things in the dark?
264
00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:14,070
- And business is good!
- Yeah, and I'm pretty sure
265
00:11:14,071 --> 00:11:17,070
that's a catch phrase
from some movie or some shit.
266
00:11:17,071 --> 00:11:20,070
What you gonna do when
I lay my vengeance down on you?
267
00:11:20,071 --> 00:11:23,070
He just mixed Hulk Hogan with
Samuel Jackson from "Pulp Fiction."
268
00:11:23,071 --> 00:11:24,070
I can't take no more of this.
269
00:11:24,071 --> 00:11:28,071
- You shoot me, I shoot you?
- Deal. Sweet relief.
270
00:11:30,071 --> 00:11:32,070
It's like I'm walking on sunshine!
271
00:11:32,071 --> 00:11:34,070
Buckle up, buddy.
It's kicking in.
272
00:11:34,071 --> 00:11:36,070
God, I wish I had a father.
273
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:38,070
[telephone ringing]
Hello, TripTank.
274
00:11:38,071 --> 00:11:40,070
Hey, Steve, it's Coach Craig
from high school.
275
00:11:40,071 --> 00:11:43,070
Have you still been doing
your push-ups, Steve?
276
00:11:43,071 --> 00:11:44,070
I bet you have.
I bet you're shredded, boy.
277
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,070
I bet you look like Vin Diesel.
278
00:11:46,071 --> 00:11:48,070
Yeah, I do look like Vin Diesel.
279
00:11:48,071 --> 00:11:49,215
No, you don't.
You a liar.
280
00:11:49,250 --> 00:11:51,070
You were a fat sack of shit
in high school,
281
00:11:51,071 --> 00:11:53,070
and you're probably still
a fat sack of shit now.
282
00:11:53,071 --> 00:11:55,070
I bet your body look like
ten fat bitching hugging.
283
00:11:55,071 --> 00:11:58,070
[sobbing]
It does. It does.
284
00:11:58,071 --> 00:12:00,070
Goddamn, boy.
Have some self-respect, Steve.
285
00:12:00,071 --> 00:12:02,070
The best thing
you ever did was repeat a grade.
286
00:12:02,071 --> 00:12:06,070
So I got an extra year of telling you
what a fat sack of shit you were.
287
00:12:06,071 --> 00:12:08,070
Yeah, that was
the best year of my life!
288
00:12:08,071 --> 00:12:10,070
Hey, who do I talk to
about getting one of them, uh,
289
00:12:10,071 --> 00:12:13,070
"TripTank" T-shirts with
your stupid fat face on them?
290
00:12:13,071 --> 00:12:15,070
[sobbing]
Let me transfer you.
291
00:12:15,071 --> 00:12:18,071
[electronic music]
292
00:12:18,721 --> 00:12:23,020
[electronic music]
293
00:12:25,021 --> 00:12:27,020
- You feel that?
- Feel what?
294
00:12:27,021 --> 00:12:29,020
- I'm Shrek.
- What?
295
00:12:29,021 --> 00:12:30,020
- What?
- You just said you were Shrek.
296
00:12:30,021 --> 00:12:31,020
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
297
00:12:31,021 --> 00:12:33,020
Why would you just
be standing there
298
00:12:33,021 --> 00:12:34,020
and all of the sudden
say you were Shrek?
299
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,020
Are you Shrek?
Are you Shrek?
300
00:12:35,021 --> 00:12:37,020
Oh, you got to tell me
if you're Shrek!
301
00:12:37,021 --> 00:12:39,020
You got to [bleep] tell me, man!
302
00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:42,020
I-I could smell a Shrek
a million miles away.
303
00:12:42,021 --> 00:12:45,020
Huh? Huh? Huh?
[telephone ringing]
304
00:12:45,021 --> 00:12:46,020
This is TripTank.
How can I help you?
305
00:12:46,021 --> 00:12:48,020
Hi. Yeah, this is Deon Salisbury...
no relation.
306
00:12:48,021 --> 00:12:51,020
I'm the lead singer for the band
Sally Field's Hairy Pussy.
307
00:12:51,021 --> 00:12:52,020
Wow.
That's a really great band name.
308
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,020
Anyway, we wrote
a theme song for you guys.
309
00:12:53,021 --> 00:12:55,020
I'd like to sing it.
Here it goes.
310
00:12:55,021 --> 00:12:57,020
- Uh... we can't take unsolicited...
- Two, three, four...
311
00:12:57,021 --> 00:12:58,020
? TripTank,
eat a bag of dicks ?
312
00:12:58,021 --> 00:13:00,020
? TripTank,
you're a piece of shit ?
313
00:13:00,021 --> 00:13:02,020
? TripTank ?
314
00:13:02,021 --> 00:13:04,020
? TripTank ?
- Well, it is catchy.
315
00:13:04,021 --> 00:13:06,020
[reporters shouting indistinctly]
316
00:13:06,021 --> 00:13:08,020
Settle down, everybody.
Settle down.
317
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,020
Everyone settle down.
Back to your seats. [feedback]
318
00:13:10,021 --> 00:13:14,020
As you know, gigantic insects
have taken the city under siege.
319
00:13:14,021 --> 00:13:17,020
There's a pretty good chance that
we're the only ones still alive.
320
00:13:17,021 --> 00:13:19,020
Let's start with the skyscraper-sized,
321
00:13:19,021 --> 00:13:22,020
armored, intergalactic battle spiders.
322
00:13:22,021 --> 00:13:25,020
[people screaming]
323
00:13:25,021 --> 00:13:27,020
Our team of scientists
have come up
324
00:13:27,021 --> 00:13:30,020
with conclusive evidence
that the spiders are pretty big
325
00:13:30,021 --> 00:13:31,020
and covered in eyeballs.
326
00:13:31,021 --> 00:13:33,020
The trick is you got to stab
them in the red eyeball,
327
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,020
which is on their belly.
328
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:37,020
[reporters shouting] You, with the
dumb hat, uh, what's your question?
329
00:13:37,021 --> 00:13:38,020
No, not you, the other one.
330
00:13:38,021 --> 00:13:41,020
Mr. Mayor, did you or
did you not cheat on your wife
331
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:45,002
- with your hair stylist?
- We've been over these allegations.
332
00:13:45,037 --> 00:13:46,020
You, with the pirate getup.
333
00:13:46,021 --> 00:13:50,020
Yar, the hair stylist,
did she swab your deck?
334
00:13:50,021 --> 00:13:52,020
The world needs to know.
335
00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:56,020
I had no such affair.
Now back to the apocalyptic insects.
336
00:13:56,021 --> 00:13:59,020
[people screaming]
337
00:13:59,021 --> 00:14:00,020
You, with the face transplant.
338
00:14:00,021 --> 00:14:02,020
I've never slept with a woman.
339
00:14:02,021 --> 00:14:06,020
I was wondering if you could give
me some tips in that department.
340
00:14:06,021 --> 00:14:11,020
I will only, only answer questions
about the insect invasion!
341
00:14:11,021 --> 00:14:14,020
Does anyone have any questions
about the insects?
342
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:16,020
Are you guys serious right now?
343
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:19,020
You, sir, the one
in the baby getup, please.
344
00:14:19,021 --> 00:14:21,285
Yes, uh, thank you, Mr. Mayor.
[vomits]
345
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,020
I'm sorry.
That just happens sometimes.
346
00:14:23,021 --> 00:14:25,020
It's... W-We know
about your condition.
347
00:14:25,021 --> 00:14:26,020
Thank you, thank you.
I'll continue.
348
00:14:26,021 --> 00:14:28,020
If you were a giant centipede,
would you have
349
00:14:28,021 --> 00:14:30,520
- crazy, hot centipede sex...
- Pretty sure I'd be destroying
350
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:32,020
the building we're in right now
351
00:14:32,021 --> 00:14:34,020
because that's what
the centipedes are doing!
352
00:14:34,021 --> 00:14:38,020
Get down, everybody!
They're coming in!
353
00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:39,020
Now, don't you see?
354
00:14:39,021 --> 00:14:42,020
We're all dead men
if we don't work together.
355
00:14:42,021 --> 00:14:44,020
- You, in the lobster suit.
- Thank you.
356
00:14:44,021 --> 00:14:48,020
Earlier this morning, my wife
and my, uh... my two children
357
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:51,673
- were eaten by the bigger slugs.
- You didn't pour any salt on them?
358
00:14:51,708 --> 00:14:53,020
- No, I...
- Yeah, when you pour salt
359
00:14:53,021 --> 00:14:57,020
- on a slug, it just dies.
- Oh, my God. I have so much salt,
360
00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,020
and they're so big,
and they move so slow.
361
00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:01,020
I could've...
I just need to push past that.
362
00:15:01,021 --> 00:15:03,075
Sorry to hear about your loss.
What's your question, bud?
363
00:15:03,110 --> 00:15:08,020
My wife, who was dying in my arms,
her last words to me were...
364
00:15:08,021 --> 00:15:11,020
I can't believe the mayor
cheated on his wife.
365
00:15:11,021 --> 00:15:13,020
And then she died for, like, a second,
366
00:15:13,021 --> 00:15:15,020
and then she came back,
and then she said the words...
367
00:15:15,021 --> 00:15:18,020
- "Hair stylist."
- And then she died again.
368
00:15:18,021 --> 00:15:22,020
Then she came back one last time.
Then she straight up died.
369
00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:24,020
There's not one question
in that whole paragraph.
370
00:15:24,021 --> 00:15:25,020
- You just had...
- You didn't let me finish.
371
00:15:25,021 --> 00:15:28,674
My question is,
"Did you have that affair?"
372
00:15:29,021 --> 00:15:31,560
Oh, thank God.
[people screaming]
373
00:15:31,595 --> 00:15:34,020
[electronic music]
374
00:15:37,021 --> 00:15:40,020
American reliance on Hispanic labor
375
00:15:40,021 --> 00:15:41,020
has reached an all-time high.
376
00:15:41,021 --> 00:15:43,020
In order to deal with the overflow
377
00:15:43,021 --> 00:15:46,020
of emergency calls,
911 has opted to create
378
00:15:46,021 --> 00:15:49,020
another, cheaper emergency
calling service...
379
00:15:49,021 --> 00:15:52,020
811, or Mexican 911.
380
00:15:52,021 --> 00:15:56,020
Oh, my God, as if anyone's
ever gonna use that. Ugh.
381
00:15:56,021 --> 00:15:58,020
[grunting]
382
00:15:58,021 --> 00:16:00,020
Ow, my leg!
Somebody help!
383
00:16:00,021 --> 00:16:02,020
God! Okay, wai...
[phone beeping]
384
00:16:02,021 --> 00:16:04,020
[line trilling]
385
00:16:04,021 --> 00:16:07,020
- Hello, this is 911.
- Uh, hi. I had an accident.
386
00:16:07,021 --> 00:16:09,020
Due to an overflow of calls,
we're going to have
387
00:16:09,021 --> 00:16:10,825
- to put you on hold.
- What?
388
00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:12,020
Your current wait time is only...
389
00:16:12,021 --> 00:16:17,020
- 2 hours and 59 minutes.
- Are you kidding me?
390
00:16:17,021 --> 00:16:18,020
What am I going to do?
391
00:16:18,021 --> 00:16:21,020
Oh, shit. Am I doing this?
[line trilling]
392
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:23,020
- Okay.
- Hola.
393
00:16:23,021 --> 00:16:26,020
Hello? I had an accident,
and I need help.
394
00:16:26,021 --> 00:16:29,020
�Usted necesita ayuda?
395
00:16:29,021 --> 00:16:33,020
Uh, �s�?
I hurt my leg.
396
00:16:33,021 --> 00:16:35,020
Estamos enviando un equipo
de la respuesta
397
00:16:35,021 --> 00:16:37,020
- de emergencia a su casa.
- Um...
398
00:16:37,021 --> 00:16:39,020
�Usted necesita
todo lo dem�s?
399
00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:42,208
- No?
- Bueno, gracias, se�or.
400
00:16:42,243 --> 00:16:44,020
[knocking at door]
Hey, I'm in here!
401
00:16:44,021 --> 00:16:46,020
I-I broke my leg.
I need help.
402
00:16:46,021 --> 00:16:49,021
[spurs jingling,
footsteps approaching]
403
00:16:51,021 --> 00:16:53,020
[trilling tongue]
404
00:16:53,021 --> 00:16:55,020
[upbeat traditional Mexican music]
405
00:16:55,021 --> 00:16:57,020
Wait, wait.
This... I...
406
00:16:57,021 --> 00:16:59,020
I'm in pain.
Can you help me, please?
407
00:16:59,021 --> 00:17:01,020
Are we gonna get to the leg?
408
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:05,020
Are you guys gonna get to the leg?
409
00:17:08,021 --> 00:17:10,020
What the...
410
00:17:10,021 --> 00:17:13,020
[bell dings]
411
00:17:13,021 --> 00:17:14,020
Whoa.
412
00:17:16,021 --> 00:17:17,020
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going?
413
00:17:17,021 --> 00:17:18,020
No, no, no.
No, please!
414
00:17:18,021 --> 00:17:22,020
Jesus, that was worthless,
but so affordable.
415
00:17:22,021 --> 00:17:24,020
Thank you, Mexican 911.
416
00:17:24,021 --> 00:17:28,779
Try Mexican 911 today.
Arriba!
417
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:31,021
[fly buzzing]
418
00:17:40,021 --> 00:17:44,020
[man] Ah, yeah, who's good at his job?
This guy.
419
00:17:44,171 --> 00:17:46,170
[telephone ringing]
Hello, TripTank.
420
00:17:46,171 --> 00:17:48,170
God damn you, TripTank!
421
00:17:48,171 --> 00:17:52,111
Your show is making
my hemorrhoids flame up
422
00:17:52,146 --> 00:17:56,170
- like a freakin' Roman candle!
- Well, you called the right place.
423
00:17:56,171 --> 00:17:57,945
Don't worry.
Just let me find the extension.
424
00:17:57,980 --> 00:18:01,170
- Oh, the pain in my butthole.
- Let me transfer you.
425
00:18:01,171 --> 00:18:02,170
Whoa, Roy.
426
00:18:02,171 --> 00:18:04,170
Have you always had tattoos
on one of your heads?
427
00:18:04,171 --> 00:18:07,170
Yeah, man.
Roy's got to be true to his roots.
428
00:18:07,171 --> 00:18:10,170
- Tear your face off.
- Okay.
429
00:18:10,171 --> 00:18:12,170
[screaming]
430
00:18:12,171 --> 00:18:15,170
Nice. Now I'll do mine.
431
00:18:15,171 --> 00:18:17,170
[shouting creepily]
432
00:18:17,171 --> 00:18:21,170
Oh, it's all eyes!
433
00:18:21,171 --> 00:18:24,170
Everything is eyes!
434
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:27,170
[electronic music]
435
00:18:28,949 --> 00:18:32,748
[electronic music]
436
00:18:34,749 --> 00:18:35,748
[sirens wailing]
437
00:18:35,749 --> 00:18:38,748
Well, well, well,
if it isn't the infamous
438
00:18:38,749 --> 00:18:41,748
1,000-pound pimp,
Iceberg Huge.
439
00:18:41,749 --> 00:18:43,748
[flatulence]
Yo. What up, Skinny D?
440
00:18:43,749 --> 00:18:45,703
How'd you get so fat, pimp?
441
00:18:45,738 --> 00:18:47,748
[scoffs]
You know, it runs in my family.
442
00:18:47,749 --> 00:18:49,748
I take after my dad...
443
00:18:49,749 --> 00:18:53,748
famous jazz singer Eats Domino's.
444
00:18:53,749 --> 00:18:56,748
- So, Skinny, what you want?
- I got a proposition.
445
00:18:56,749 --> 00:18:58,748
Seeing as you got money
and I got mad kilos,
446
00:18:58,749 --> 00:19:00,748
let's do business together.
447
00:19:00,749 --> 00:19:03,748
Uh... yo, I could get down
with that. [siren wailing]
448
00:19:03,749 --> 00:19:05,748
We know you're in there,
Iceberg Huge.
449
00:19:05,749 --> 00:19:07,748
Oh, shit!
The police.
450
00:19:07,749 --> 00:19:09,748
Come on out now
and nobody gets hurt.
451
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,748
Hell, no, bitch. You got
to come up here and get me.
452
00:19:12,749 --> 00:19:14,748
Man, I can barely move my arms.
453
00:19:14,749 --> 00:19:17,748
If you say so.
Let's go, boys.
454
00:19:17,749 --> 00:19:20,748
What you doing, man?
We'll all get busted.
455
00:19:20,749 --> 00:19:23,748
Hell, no. I got a plan, B.
Hos.
456
00:19:23,749 --> 00:19:25,748
Which one of you hos
gonna give me what I want?
457
00:19:25,749 --> 00:19:28,748
- We gave you your money, pimp.
- I don't want no money.
458
00:19:28,749 --> 00:19:32,748
I want 13 bags
of White Castle hamburgers
459
00:19:32,749 --> 00:19:33,748
with extra cheese, baby, baby.
460
00:19:33,749 --> 00:19:35,749
All: On it, pimp.
461
00:19:37,030 --> 00:19:40,287
[music]
462
00:19:40,749 --> 00:19:41,749
Oh! Ah!
463
00:19:44,749 --> 00:19:46,749
[scarfing]
464
00:19:49,749 --> 00:19:52,749
Now everybody get on the bed.
465
00:19:54,749 --> 00:19:56,748
- Freeze, pimp!
- Hey, yo, bitch.
466
00:19:56,749 --> 00:19:58,749
Hand me that half-eaten
big nut bar, ho.
467
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:00,748
[sniffs]
468
00:20:00,749 --> 00:20:02,749
Ah.
[creaking]
469
00:20:06,749 --> 00:20:07,748
Baby, baby.
470
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:11,748
[all scream]
471
00:20:11,749 --> 00:20:14,748
- Shit, that hurt.
- That was some quick thinking, pimp.
472
00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,748
Now sit back and relax.
[engine turning over]
473
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,348
We gonna be late, baby, baby.
474
00:20:20,749 --> 00:20:23,748
[electronic music]
475
00:20:26,749 --> 00:20:29,748
Oh, my gosh.
What was that?
476
00:20:29,749 --> 00:20:33,513
- Wow. I think my fever broke.
- Hey, BFB. How you feeling?
477
00:20:33,548 --> 00:20:34,748
I'm actually feeling better.
478
00:20:34,749 --> 00:20:36,748
That's great, man.
Perfect timing.
479
00:20:36,749 --> 00:20:37,748
I just got the phones working again.
480
00:20:37,749 --> 00:20:39,748
- What do you mean?
- The phones, man.
481
00:20:39,749 --> 00:20:42,748
- They've been down all day.
- What? No, they haven't.
482
00:20:42,749 --> 00:20:43,748
I've been answering
the phones all day.
483
00:20:43,749 --> 00:20:46,748
Oh, shoot. That's just
the hallucinations, man.
484
00:20:46,749 --> 00:20:48,748
Fever dreams... you've been
riding the purple dragon.
485
00:20:48,749 --> 00:20:51,748
- Really?
- Yeah. And I got a little secret for you.
486
00:20:51,749 --> 00:20:53,341
[whispers] You still are.
487
00:20:53,376 --> 00:20:55,749
[shouting creepily]
488
00:20:57,749 --> 00:21:00,749
TripTank.
489
00:21:02,148 --> 00:21:04,682
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
490
00:21:04,717 --> 00:21:07,570
Though your methods
are a bit unorthodox,
491
00:21:07,571 --> 00:21:10,570
you did manage to dispatch
Franky Fingerstink
492
00:21:10,571 --> 00:21:12,870
and his entire crew.
Well done.
493
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:16,710
I used your ancient teachings
to [bleep] 'em in the ass!
494
00:21:17,371 --> 00:21:19,798
O-kay.
495
00:21:19,848 --> 00:21:24,398
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