Original subtitles

? 12-year-old Lawyer ? [Music]

? His father was framed by the mob for a crime ?

? That he didn't commit and now he's doing hard time ?

? And they can't afford a lawyer 'cause they don't have a dime ?

? 12-year-old Lawyer ?

? He put himself through law school ?

? And studied the clues and he held his father's hand ?

? And said, "We're not gonna lose" ?

? And he stood before the jury and said... ?

[bangs gavel] Order! You have to be at least

18 years old to be a lawyer.

- No! - Daddy!

2x09 - Mr. Winchester Goes to Washington

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

And right around the corner, fudge is made.

Dang man, sounds like that neighborhood

- is chock-full of good places to eat. - [laughs] Yeah, all the kids

- are talking about it. - Tell me more about this artisan lemonade stand.

[glass shatters] [eagle shrieks] Ah! There's a bird in the building!

Kill it! Kill it!

No way, man! You don't kill a bald eagle.

You salute 'em. They're as American as karate chops and William Shatner.

Boys, no! This is a Congressional Carrier Eagle,

he must have a message for... Ah, yes.

It's an urgent communiqu� from the United States government.

We've been summoned to appear in Washington D.C.

before the House Subcommittee on Decency

and Special-Class Short-format Late-Night Cable Animation.

You know what this means, don't you?

All: Road trip! [rock music]

Oop, forgot my wallet!

? Ah-ah, doo-doo-doo ?

Ah, man. The car broke down.

That's okay, we'll fly the rest of the way. [motor running]

? Doo-doo-doo ?

All: Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo

[bangs gavel] Order, this hearing will come to order.

Will you idiots stop singing that ridiculous

Third Eye Blind sound-alike?

Uh, sorry, you know, we were on a road trip...

Yes, yes, we're all aware of what that song means.

Now, if the three of you are finished playing grab-ass,

we can get down to the business of shutting down Trip Tank.

[ragtime music]

_

Uh, excuse me. Are you the beachside

- yoga instructor? - What?

Uh, yeah, I'm supposed to pay

some guy $100 for a personal yoga session?

Yeah, $100, yeah, that's right, that's me.

- Oh, great, so, um... - $100 cash, right?

Uh, yeah.

[groans] We're gonna ease you in

with a little shoulder stretch. There you go.

- Ah! That hurts! - Yes, yes, it hurts.

We store a lot of emotion in our hips.

This is beautiful. [continues whimpering]

Man: Oh, look, that must be that yoga fad

we've heard so much about. It looks fun.

Stay away from this guy! He's a fraud! He st...

You shut your [bleep] mouth or I'll break your neck

right here in front of all these fancy people. [muffled screams]

And by the way, I can feel your semi.

[electric echoes]

[rock guitar music]

[groans] [cracks]

[gasps] [chuckles]

[heavenly choir] Ah ah

[people gasp] What?

[people cheering] Whoa, nice!

Flip this, bitch!

['80s rock music]

Golly gee, it's a [bleep] Flip Off!

- [chuckles] Yeah! - What? [all gasp]

[dentist drill] [indistinct chatter]

Bro, you got served, bitch! [crowd gasps]

- Careful! - Cool!

[seals bark] [fireworks explode]

Aah!

[breathes heavily]

[bear growls] [breathes heavily]

I feel so alive!

Raaah!! [both continue screaming]

Ow, ow!

[both grunt]

[both breathe heavily]

All right, you made the down payment, Anau.

- It's time to close the deal. - No, I won't do it.

[whimpers]

Congratulations.

You have been chosen to join an elite society

of promotional street warriors.

- Let's [bleep] do this! - No, no, not you.

You fought like a little bitch. He is the chosen one.

Take my sleeve, and we will rise

to enter the Hall of Marketing Guardians.

Fine, blow away with Blowbie-Wan Can-Blow-Me!

You two make a perfect pair.

He looks like a giant rubber and you're a dick!

I'm going to heaven.

Bye, Carl, enjoy [bleep] hell, bitch!

Arrrhh!

[squeaks] Oh, shit, this isn't good.

[screams]

[grunts] Well, look who's back.

- Little Sir [bleep]-face. - I hate you.

You fools! Prepare yourself for the coming wrath!

An eternity of suffering!

With high mortgage rates with 0 to no chance of fixed...

Ah, don't feel bad. We'll get you a balloon.

Shut-up. Shut the [bleep] up.

[techno music]

Announcer: Prepare yourselves, space travelers,

for the most awesome-tastic, fun-dorable adventure

of a lifetime, with your pal...

Me! I'm Ricky the Rocketship!

[vrooom]

[man screaming] No! We're all gonna die!

Not if I can help it!

[all cheering] We're all saved!

We're not dead!

Everyone, come inside me!

- Ew. - Women and children first!

[children giggle] Seriously, no women?

Ricky has to go back to using Tinder.

- Yay! We're not dead! - Now to rescue those moms and dads.

[all screaming]

Oh, crap, oh, crap, oh, crap!

Is it bad?

[screams]

So, it's bad, right?

Uh, Ricky, where's Mommy?

Yeah, so, uh, everyone's parents flew away.

And you'll never see them again. The end.

But they're still alive! Definitely, definitely alive!

[children cry]

Mommy! [tropical bird cries]

Okay, kids. Let's go over our survival tips.

Hannah, what do we do it we see wild berries?

We wait to see if other animals eat them first.

Great job!

Now, what do we do when we see Mr. Snake?

We back away slowly and make our way to the group.

Super-duper, Joey! Gold star!

Ashley, Freddy, remember that for next time.

[bumping, clattering]

[bear growls] Oh!

Kids! Time to put those survival tips into practice.

What do we do when we see Mr. Bear?

Uh, kids? Kids?

[children scream] [bears growl]

Aah!

[panting]

Wait! I could have flown them to safety the whole time.

Rescue Rocket ready!

Oh! Never mind! [bleep] this shit.

I'll call you kids an Uber.

[bangs gavel] Representative Rothbard

will now address the blatant and shameless sexism

of your quote-unquote "television show."

- The hell you say, sugar-tits. - Don't worry, boys. If this thing

starts to go sideways, I have a little something up my sleeve.

In 864 episodes of Trip Tank,

I could not find one instance of a female character

serving any other purpose than the sexual gratification

of a man, an animal, or a man dressed up

as if he were an animal.

I'd like to consult with my counsel, please.

[microphone feedback]

What I like to do is I like to drive a lady to the park,

and when we get there, I pretend that we've run out of gas,

but there's plenty of gas in the tank.

Now, she thinks we're stuck and there's nothing left to do,

but the deed. Once the deed is done,

I reveal that we did have gas after all.

My lawyer has advised me not to comment on this matter.

[techno music]

[drums clattering] Man: Drums! Ah!

Drums! Ah!

Drums! Drums!

[gunshot] Aah!

[death metal music]

Man: The frog says, "Hi." [crash]

[techno music]

[bangs gavel]

To prove that the rampant and glorified

drug use in your show is harmful to the youth

of America, Congressman Deleuze has spent the last 20

minutes ingesting every drug mentioned on Trip Tank.

Aah!

[metal crash] [car alarm]

That reminds me, guys,

if Ashley's parents call, you don't know what happened to her.

Yeah, but we don't know what happened to her.

Ooh, that's good. Say it just like that when they call.

[car alarm continues in background]

You can't keep doing this to yourself, Matt.

That basketball game was 17 years ago.

Everyone in this town has moved on! And so should you.

[ball dribbles] [crowd cheers]

[flatulence] [crowd jeers]

[camera lens snaps]

_

[techno music]

[humming]

Lauranna! Lauranna!

Lauranna! Oh, there you are!

[gasps] My locket!

Oh, Tripper! You found it.

Look, Stedmund. Tripper found my locket.

[scoffs] Good job, Rabbit. [snorts]

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!

My mother gave me this locket before she

was eaten by that nasty old grizzly bear.

- You are a true friend. - Anything for you, m'lady.

- I can't wait to show Prince Peter... - Actually, Lauranna,

there was something I wanted to ask you.

- Oh, Tripper, anything! - How long have we been friends now?

Eight years, I believe.

Eight years, three months, two days.

And Lauranna, you know I'd do anything for you, right?

- Yes, and I you. - And you know that I love you, right?

- Yes, and I you. - Let's quit playing games.

That prince ain't right for you. I love you

and I'm willing to risk our friendship to explore this connection.

We owe it to ourselves to at least try.

We belong together!

Oh, Tripper, that's so sweet, but I'm sorry,

- I'm in love with Prince Peter! - Really, Prince Peter?

After all I've done for you?

God, Pecker was right, you're a [bleep] tease!

What? Oh, Pecker?

- Yeah? - Did you call me a "tease"?

Yeah, 'cause you are one. All the birds feel the same way.

You cuddle up to us, sing us those sexy little songs,

let us see you naked. They don't mean nothing.

You wouldn't date none of us.

You're just using us to make you free dresses.

This is ludicrous! Tripper, you can't feel like this.

Some dickhead prince breaks your heart.

It's like, "Oh, Tripper! Make me feel better!"

Or if you're having a bad day, it's, "Oh, Tripper!

Let me pet your belly!"

When's the last time you asked me about my day

or let me pet your belly, Lauranna? It's bullshit!

I get all the boyfriend duties and none of the pussy!

[gasps]

I can't believe this. Critters!

[clears throat] Critters of the forest!

- We need to talk. - Yeah, come on, critters.

Her Highness beckons.

[clears throat] By show of hand or paw or hoof,

how many of you think I'm a tease?

- What?! - Ha! I rest my case!

- She's totally a tease. - Ah, yeah, for sure a tease.

- And honestly, you can be a little cold. - Of course I'm cold to you!

- You ate my mother! - Fair enough.

[groans] I cannot even...

Excuse me for not lifting my skirt

for every squirrel that offers to crack a nut for me! [squirrel chirps]

You guys buddied up to me! You follow me around!

If you only do nice things for me because you're trying to get some

and it doesn't work out, that doesn't make me a prude.

That makes you all presumptuous douche bags!

I thought we were friends!

Turns out you're just a bunch of self-centered perverts

who are gonna get all butt-hurt when a girl who's

out of your league doesn't let you sniff her asshole

for helping her out of a jam.

[bleep] you!

I mean, Jesus, did you ever think

that maybe I'm just not into sex with animals?

[snorts] Come on, girl. We both know that's a lie.

[animals gasping] Oh, my God!

[bangs gavel]

My esteemed colleague from the great state

of East Carolina will now address the subcommittee.

Remember guys, if we get in trouble, I have a secret weapon.

Now, I've heard about some of the excrement

featured on Trip Tank, and I find it despicable.

- Just absolutely horrible. - Is there that much?

'Cause I don't recall, uh...

Some of it hard and strong with a deep, dark,

rich, brown color and others just a liquid

and runny with the yellow-green tone,

just spilling out onto the carpet.

- Just nasty, nasty stuff. - Is there a question or... ?

Now, we've all heard of an upper-decker...

but what I like to do is leave the toilet lid down

completely and sit with my bare butt cheeks

right flat down on top

and when I defecate, the force of the expulsion

just slip-slides me all around.

And I end up gliding right off the front and landing

onto the floor in a big ol' pile of my own mess.

I call it an East Carolina Mudslide, and it is disgusting.

- Your show is just disgusting. - I don't know what's going on here.

Me neither man, but I'd vote for him in a heartbeat.

[techno music]

[seagulls squawk]

Steady now, boys. [sonar beeps]

We find ourselves in dangerous waters.

Captain, we're picking up something on the sonar!

Something big.

Sacre bleu!

[whimpers] Get us out of here!

Aah! [creature roars]

[motoring sounds] [splashes]

[marching band music]

[tense music] [heartbeat]

[trigger clicks]

[gunshot] [eagle shrieks]

[heavy metal music]

Man: Oh, shit. I think that was a bald eagle.

[rapid footsteps]

[bangs gavel] I now present Congressman Adorno

from North Dakota's 75th district.

Thank you, Madam Horkheimer.

Now, Trip Tank, I have a few questions about the violence on your show.

- Hell yeah, man. Shoot. - Now, the violence,

is it being perpetrated by Americans?

- Yeah, mostly. - Oh, good. Good, good, good.

Now, are any of the victims of this violence American?

- Yeah, I guess some of them are. - Hmm. I don't like that.

Say, instead of these victims being American,

could they be from somewhere else? Like, um,

randomly, for example, um... Oh, here we go, Canada?

- I guess so. - Hell yeah!

Ah, wonderful.

And the victims don't necessarily need to be

from Canada. They could be from French Canada

or... or... or British Columbia.

Or maybe this guy we're beating up with a shovel,

maybe he's a Mountie? What country now are Mounties from?

- I think still Canada. - Oh, are they? Oh, good.

Good, well, that works perfectly then.

I like this guy too, man! This is fun!

[grunts] [engine struggles]

[groans]

Hey-hey! It's the grass man!

- Little early to be mowing the lawn, huh? - [mumbles] Son of a bitch.

I'm taking the Carroll clan off to ride the new

Anaconda coaster at Adventure Town USA!

Hey, you and yours should pack up the ol' Wilson wagon

- and follow us there! - Maybe, uh, maybe next summer.

Suit yourself! [laughs]

It's always next summer.

[grumbles] [knuckles crack]

That does it. [chainsaw roars]

[saw grinds]

Hey, kids! Come on!

- Are we going to Adventure Town US... - No!

We're going to Dad World! [laughs]

[engine revs] [fast rock music]

[tires squeal]

Thank you for choosing Dad World.

Be sure to buckle your safety belt,

because this is the most extreme

and affordable amusement park ever!

- Whoo! - Yay! [engine revs]

I hear that Anaconda can only go 80 miles per hour.

How do you feel about a 120?

Kids: Yeah!

Who needs landscapers and a big mansion?

Who needs a wife who doesn't abandon me?

Damn it, Cheryl. [crying] Cheryl, I miss you.

You bitch! [muttering]

[flashbulb]

- Where to next, gang? - The Old Mines!

[whistling]

[gasps]

- Coal miners! - A-A-Aweso-o-o-ome!

- Where to next? - The Haunted Manor!

Come on, kids!

[crash] [people scream]

Look! Old people.

Oh! [kids scream]

- You never visit anymore, Anthony! - Wave bye to grandma!

[gibberish]

Get out of here, you old bat. [yelps]

Meemaw loves you!

- Where to next? - Safari Kingdom!

[screaming]

Whoa! Look at that elephant.

[elephant trumpets]

- Where to next? - The Enchanted Forest!

[engine revs]

[elephant shrieks] [monkey chitters]

[chainsaw revs]

Hey, get out of the way!

[trees crash]

All right, time to reach under your seats.

[gasps] The van's leaking!

It sure is! [laughs maniacally]

[all scream]

- All right, yeah! - Yay!

- Dad, I'm starving! - Then let's hit my favorite attraction!

[engine roars] [tires squeal]

- Mmm! This is amazing! - It sure is. It sure is.

[both snore]

I'm a [bleep] awesome dad.

[helicopters] [police sirens]

[groans] [gasps]

- Uh, Dad? - Hey, kids,

who's ready for Wild West World?

[fast rock music]

[laughing] [gunshots]

[techno music]

[tense music] [footsteps]

[hammer clicks]

[gunshot] [deep groan]

[heavy metal music]

I got paid in maple syrup.

[techno music]

[sparkling chimes] Are you asleep?

Good. It's time to dream.

[voices whisper]

? Bing, bong, bing ?

It's your wedding day.

The preacher has just pronounced you man and wife.

[yawns]

You pull back the veil to go in

for your first official kiss as him and her,

and instead of a face... [chuckles]

it's an anus... [yelps]

But not just any anus... that's your granddaddy's

old stanky anus. [screams quietly]

The same anus you accidentally walked into

when you were eight years old and he was in the shower,

bending over scrubbing his feet.

Nothing but a mouthful of granddaddy an...

[car horn] Oh, oop! Gotta go!

Just know this. You actually end up very happy

with your Granddad anus, and you have several

little anus children. [chuckles]

[gasps]

[bangs gavel] Trip Tank!

We have heard all of the damning evidence against you,

and I cannot wait to shut your television show down.

Boys? It's magic time.

I think... and you, and you, and you.

[text sending sound]

[cell phones jingle] [gasps]

[bangs gavel]

On second thought, Trip Tank, your show is great.

The United States Congress would like to go on record stating that

Trip Tank is culturally, historically, and aesthetically significant.

By law, all U.S. citizens must now love Trip Tank.

This hearing is adjourned. [bangs gavel]

- Uh, excuse me... - I said we're adjourned!

What just happened?

You put a voodoo spell on them or something?

Let me give you a little piece of advice

I wish someone had told me when I was your age.

Always bring a camera phone to a congressional orgy.

- Always. - I love this guy.

I love him so much.

Let's go, boys! You know what time it is?

All: Road trip!

[upbeat rock music]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Imagine, if you will, me on my back,

arms Akimbo, with a plate of tempered glass

just inches from my face, and a big ol' steaming pile

of human waste just falls right down on top of that glass...

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0