Original subtitles

Hi. I'm your new cellmate.

What are you in for?

Biting people's dicks off in they sleep.

Oh, that's so weird. Me too!

Wow. Well, ain't that something?

[man] Lights out!

2x07 - Cereal Interruptus

[both giggling]

[stifled giggles]

- [whispers] Rah! - Shh!

[belt buckle jingles]

[zipper rasps]

[both gasp]

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

And now for the most delicious part of my day.

[phone rings]

[sighs] Mondays.

- Hello. TripTank. - This is Esther Feltcher.

I'm 87 years old, but I'm sharp as a tack.

Oh, we always love hearing from our older fans.

I'm confined to a wheelchair, but I'm 89 years old

- and I'm still full of life. - Oh, that's great.

I have one regret in my 94 years of sharp life living.

I regret that I never once dropped acid.

Oh, I was not expecting th...

Can you bring a sheet of acid over here

to the nursing home and we'll trip balls?

- Uh... - Come on, honey!

Let's trip balls!

[laughs]

[music]

_

Hey, you're the auctioneer.

You were great tonight. I'm Megan.

Megan, hi. Can I buy you a drink?

Ladies and gentlemen, do I hear one drink?

Yeah, one for me. Do I hear two?

Two drinks? Remember, this is for charity.

- Do I hear two drinks? - That's pretty cool. Thanks.

Two drinks, and sold to the lady

who looks vaguely like my ex-girlfriend Gwen.

- What a bitch. - So do you like being an auctioneer?

Oh, it's good, pretty good, apparently not good enough

for Gwen, but do I give two [bleep]?

No! One [bleep]? Zero [bleep] given by the auctioneer

trying to sleep with this lady he just met at the bar.

You know, I always thought about being an auctioneer.

Oh, my! Is that contact?

Yes, human contact! Am I at quarter-mast?

Yes! Half-mast? Yes!

Do I feel full-mast? And fully erect

for the lady who might be my next Gwen!

- Randy? Randy, is that you? - Oh, shit, Gwen.

Gwen, hello. Do you look good?

Yeah, great, yeah, gorgeous. Don't worry.

Do I think about us? Do I ever think about

what could have been? No!

Would we have one kid? No!

Two twins? Yes!

Do I hear myself rattling off? And definitely

to the lady who I think I could have grown old with if she

hadn't slept with another auctioneer after eight years together.

It's, uh, good to see you. How are things?

- Hello, Carl. - Oh, yeah.

- Carl and I are dating now. - Are you serious?

Are you banging Carl? This piece of work?

Yes, a true masterpiece of human shit.

Why him? He must be hung.

Yes, hung. Hung 6, hung 7, hung 14 inches?

Hung like a horse? And neigh to this garbage scumbag who

couldn't auction a Picasso if Pablo were there himself.

Randy, you can't talk to Gwen like that!

Not now, not tomorrow. Do I hear ever?

Not ever, pervert! You stay away not 1 foot,

not 2 feet, not 40 feet. Do I see you within 100 feet?

I will punch you once, no, twice, no, thrice,

and then a kick to the groin. Do I hear again and again?

- Yes, right in the neck! - [Gwen] No, no! Carl, don't!

And smack to the gentleman who I will punch in the neck

if he speaks to my woman again like that.

Oh, big shot! Look at you, big man.

Remember, ladies and gentlemen, Gwen is dating Carl

for his huge dong, no other reason.

Carl is a one-of-a-kind dirtbag.

They don't make dirtbags like this anymore.

Carl runs around with authentic Oriental hookers he pays for sex.

That is real jade and fake titties.

Ow! Do I see one star?

Ow! Two stars?

Ow! Do I see three stars?

And adrenaline kicking back in, and do I hear one broken stool?

- Randy. - Yeah, one property damage.

- Yeah, do I see two counts of assault? - Yes, two ruined relationships!

[grunts] Is that three days in prison?

Yes, only three days because you're white.

[Carl] And ruined this original Titian by a squabble

over a girl that probably could have been solved

- if we could just act like adults. - Okay, I'm getting out of here.

- Do I feel like one fool? - No, two idiots.

Yes, but three years ago, remember, we were best friends?

Yes, "four" the rest of my life.

Yes, five, let's never let anything

come between our friendship again.

[both] And pinky swear that these best friends

are back together again.

[Carl grunts]

Hi, I'm looking for one handsome man,

buys me two drinks, spends three hours joking.

And who's gonna be a big, sexy auctioneer and take me home?

[both grunting]

[tires screeching] [big band jazz music]

[radio static]

So anyway, she goes, "I'm coming, I'm coming!

- Like I care. - No respect, these broads.

- I'm telling you. - [grunts] Come on!

Are you just [bleep] stand... help me with this!

- What do you want me to do? - Grab the bag!

Hey, I got your bag right here.

[both grunt]

Hey, Paulie, you sure this is the right place?

What am I, an asshole? Tony Bag of Oranges told

me this guy was the best cleaner in town. [spits]

[bell jingles]

From what I hear, this Jamook is ruthless.

He makes your laundry disappear, if you know what I mean.

[bell rings] Hey there, fellas. What can I do you for?

Tony Bag of Oranges sent us down here.

Said you, uh, heh heh, solve problems.

Well, possibly. Let's see what you got there.

Oh, my God! Is that what I think it is?

Hey, what am I gonna tell ya? Things got a little messy.

Had to break a couple eggs, if you know what I mean.

- Ooh! - Heh.

Um, what kind of business are you in?

Waste management, you know, amongst other things.

I mean, forget about it, what we do.

What we need from you is a little spring cleaning. Huh?

[stammers] I'm sorry.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

I think you may have been misinformed about what I do here, but...

Hey, don't play the "babe in the woods" routine

- with me, you little fruitcake. - Oh, no, no, no! I wouldn't dare!

- Ow! Ow! - Listen, you little rat [bleep].

An empty suit fell off a truck.

Now we need you to rub it out.

Capisce? [gun clicks]

I suggest you take care of this fazool.

[bleep], mangia la [bleep]. [spits]

- Huh? - Ow! Ow!

Jeez! Okay! I'll do my best.

Lucky for you, we gotta go deal with a couple of [bleep] eggplants.

- Right, Vinny? - Gabagool.

[bell jingles]

[dramatic music] [grunts]

Take that! [grunts]

[grunts] Come here!

You want some more? How about some of that?

- Aah! - Take that, eggplant!

[groans]

Oh, we'll be sleeping with the fishes tonight,

- hey, Paulie? - Oh, marone!

This is gonna be [bleep] delicious!

Tried telling those fellers, but they just wouldn't listen.

Oh, you the best cleaner in town, Mr. Dave.

[laughs]

Oh, thanks, Chin. Well, time to get back to work.

[laughter]

[phone rings] Hold, please.

All right, Hippos, come to papa.

[cereal bag crinkles]

Roy, what are you doing? I brought those from home!

Ol' Roy is digging for gold, man. I gotta get that mystery prize.

- No! That's my favorite part, dude. - Oh! Oh, wait a minute.

I got something. Oh, shit!

It's a Tiny Hippo brand retractable shiv!

Really? That's the best one!

Look at this, look at this. Who am I? Who am I?

"Ooh, look! I hate my life and I want to die!"

[laughs] That's hilarious. You're Greg from accounting.

I got another one. "Look at me!

I'm mutilating my own genitalia for attention!"

Oh, shit! You're Tony from accounting!

I love this knife, man.

- Oh, oh, oh, my turn! My turn! - Oh, hell no!

You got to take it from me first, man.

[somber music] [Roy] Come on now!

[laughter and chatter] [Roy] Try and take it from me!

[techno music]

- Dude, when's the stripper getting here? - I know!

Nothing better than getting real horny with all your male friends!

[doorbell rings] She's here!

- Whoo! - Oh, yeah, here we go!

Hey, everybody! Who's ready to laugh?

What the [bleep]?

[punk rock music]

Hey, Frankie, I'm here at Chestnut Street.

- This sucks! - I just wanted to make sure,

- am I at the right place? - Ohh, I see what I did.

I mixed up you and Amber.

Please welcome the hilarious stand-up Amber.

[rock music] Aah!

Whoa! [gasps]

Oh, boy. Okay, guys, I got some bad news.

- Uh, nobody knows where Amber is. - Oh, come on!

But I also have some good news.

- What? - I am gonna give you guys

- 15% more comedy for free! - This sucks!

All right, guys, come on. Loosen up, loosen up.

Let's lose the long faces. Loosen up.

Give me some props. You want to give me some props?

- Keep your distance. - Ah! Just kidding.

- I brought my own! - Ugh!

Hey, you guys like tech? You like tech?

Oh, you got a phone, you like tech. Well, check this out.

I just got the latest iPad!

[booing] I'm still horny!

Okay, all right, all right. You guys aren't tech guys.

But maybe you like Thai food. I know I do.

Especially this... [Asian accent] "Pad See Ew"!

- "Pad See Ew"! - Ugh, white privilege.

It's like pad thai. It's a little different.

The noodles are a little thicker. Ah, whatever.

We could have been getting lap dances right now.

- You guys like lap dances? - Yeah.

Well, why didn't you say so?

? Boo-doo-doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ?

That's my first lap! Da-da-da-da...

- [Steve] Get out of here! - Ah!

Oh, no! Not my Hairy Pot-ter bit!

[sighs] Now I'm gonna need a new closer.

[techno music]

[man on phone] Just so bummed, man, 'cause, like, you know...

- Uh-huh? - I love you guys so much.

Yeah, I understand.

[deep voice echoes from cereal] Steve!

Eat me!

[whispers] Uh, I want to.

Eat me, Steve!

[whispers] I want to eat you so bad.

Put me in your mouth!

[whispers] Oh, I'm gonna. And you're gonna love it.

I've been waiting for you all day.

[whispers] I've been waiting for you so hard.

I'm so soggy and wet for you, Steve.

[whispers] Oh, yes.

[man on phone] All right. I'll talk to you next Tuesday.

[thunderclap] Out, unclean spirit!

The power of Christ compels you!

[bleep] your asshole with a cactus, [bleep]sucker!

The power of Christ compels you!

The power of Christ compels you! [groans]

Ah! Ahh... it's over.

The demon will wander until he finds a new object to possess.

[wind howls]

Oh, finally!

Oh, oh! You're even more beautiful than your picture.

Your mother sucks Satan's [bleep]!

And so much more lifelike than the ad suggested.

I'll have to go online and give you a five-star review. [laughs]

[gentle piano music]

Why, yes, I did all this just for you because you're worth it.

I hope you like expensive wine.

Victus es miser!

Mmm, is that French, the language of love?

I'll pull out your eyeball with my tongue

and urinate on your heart!

You know, I feel close to you already,

like I've known you my whole life. Do you feel it too?

Shove it up your ass, sheep [bleep]!

[rousing orchestral music on TV]

How many times have you seen both trilogies?

Let me guess. A million!

I will enjoy killing you!

You know, in my opinion, and I think this isn't the "norm,"

but I think Sith is the best movie in the series.

You know why?

I call upon Satan, whory god of the underworld,

to help me slaughter this loser!

Because it's about love.

[yawns]

Is it getting warm in here?

[bed springs squeak]

Oh, God. Oh, God, you feel so good, baby.

[garbled] I shall make sure you get hell's worst

accommodations, slime! Blagh!

I said I shall make sure you get hell's

worst accommodations, slime!

[screams]

Ah! I'm never gonna let you go!

I'm gonna be inside you forever!

Help!

Somebody call a priest!

I want out! I want oooout!

[upbeat music]

All right, finally. It's cereal time.

A-let's a-do this.

[phone rings] Son of a bitch!

Hello. TripTank. This is Steve,

not eating his cereal. How can I help you?

Hello, TripTank. I am calling from the Society of Quality Television,

and I am honored to inform you that you've won the award for

"The Worst Piece of Crap Television Show of the Year."

Hey, that's... Oh, wait. No, that doesn't sound good.

To pick up your award, simply come down to the bus station

where me and the rest of the panel of judges

- will throw stones at you. - What kind of prize is that?

In addition, you've won several other awards.

For "Worst Writing," "Worst Directing,"

and "Worst Acting."

To receive these awards, simply come down to the bus station

where me and the rest of the judges will, again,

- throw stones at you. - Oh, I see. This is a ruse.

What was that, Boxcar? [squeaks]

Oh, yeah.

Also bring some sandwiches to the bus station.

And congratulations again, TripTank, on your award.

[techno music]

[techno music]

[rock music]

[pop]

[smooth jazz music]

Oh, yeah, keep it up, K-dog.

- Pump the dream. You'll get there. - Get where, Karl?

Please tell me that's not a tally of your bowel movements.

- Don't be ridiculous. That is. - Ugh! I assumed that was a checklist

- for when you clean the bathroom. - Oh, uh, wow.

You were, like, way, way off, huh? Behold!

A fap tally of every single orgasm I've ever had.

Tell me what the [bleep] you're talking about.

Come on! On your 100,000th orgasm,

you reach a higher state. Everybody knows that.

No one knows that 'cause that's not a thing!

Well, I'm gonna be ready, and you should be too, Anau.

How many you think you got under your belt?

What? I don't know! Who cares?

My libido requires a very unique sexual... trigger.

["Trigger" echoes]

? From the first time that I met you ? [horse whinnies]

Trigger? Oh, Trigger!

[horse slurping] Trigger!

All right, all right, you got a trigger.

[doorbell rings] Jesus. [laughs]

Uh, come on in, Gail. I'll get your head.

Hey, Anau.

[slowly gasps]

? From the first time that I met you ?

I know. Stupid, huh?

I do kids' parties. Princesses, mermaids, ponies...

Ponies? [laughs] Just kidding! I gotta go!

Uh, oh, okay, bye.

Here you go. Thanks for letting me use her.

Really helped me out of a jam.

What did you need it for anyway?

["anyway" echoes]

[hip-hop music]

Oh, God! Why are you showing me this?

Oh, wait for the end.

It gets [bleep].

- Pony. - From the first...

Ugh! Mother of balls!

Ah, it smells like you ejaculated into a swifter!

I'm gonna be sick!

What the hell did you do in my pony head?

See, if you'd watched to the end,

you wouldn't have to ask me that.

- Time that I met you - Looks so good!

Ahh! Oh, my flipping God!

It's gonna be... [knock at door]

- Occupied! - Anau, open up!

Open up, Anau! It's an emergency!

- I'm watching a movie! - She's gonna blow, man!

- Open up! - Hold on! Hold on!

I just need a few more... seconds!

Trigger! [bugle plays]

[fireworks pop] Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh! Ugh!

[vomits] Awesome.

[laughs] Getting a little trigger-happy up in here.

What the [bleep] is wrong with you two? Let me out of here!

I'm so damn proud of you, man.

[sobbing]

Oh, up high.

[sobbing] [laughs]

[techno music]

That's it. I'm eating this cereal. No more interruptions.

[metallic clang] What?

[clanging continues] What the hell?

- Roy, what are you doing? - I gotta sweep under your desk, man.

It's dirty as hell down there.

- Stop, dude! - Nah, man.

Just one more crank. Jack it up!

[laughs]

[laughs in slow motion]

[in slow motion] Roy, stop!

[laughs in slow motion]

[in slow motion] Cereal, no!

[Roy laughs in slow motion]

[in slow motion] What the [bleep]?

[in slow motion] Hey, man, I gotta keep it clean.

I bring girls back here.

[techno music] _

[grunts]

I need to eat some food before the movie,

otherwise my farts won't be stank enough

- to make sure no one sits next to us. - That's a good idea.

I know, bitch. I'm effin' smart.

Fart force field.

I should have gone to Harvard.

Yeah, I'll have some of that pineapple panda meat,

and, uhh, some of that firecracker panda.

Well, um, it's not actual panda meat.

What do you mean? I want panda meat.

That's why I came to Mega Panda.

If I wanted some other kind of meat,

I would have gone to some other mega animal place.

I don't know what to tell you. It's just Chinese food,

like chicken and beef and some shrimp-like product

that comes out of this tube.

I want panda meat... [yelling] in my effing mouth!

If I can't get that, it's false advertising,

and I'm gonna sue your fake panda bitch ass.

Yeah, so, long story short,

Mega Panda has been raping my mouth

with meat-flavored lies for, like, ten years.

- This is a grave injustice. - Well, so do you think we have a case?

Yes, this is very much like a prior case

- where I sued Dick's Sports. - And?

Let's just say, they have more dicks now.

I'm back, bitch. Meet my lawyer, Rollerblado.

- Rolando. - Whatever.

In the witness of the food court,

I motion lawyerly against this establishment

for falsely claiming to sell panda meat.

Wait, wait, wait! This isn't panda meat?

- Oh, the outrage! - Guys, pandas are an endangered species.

There's, like, five of them left in the whole world.

I-I'm sorry to say this, but you're not eating real panda today.

Um, hey, guys, there's, like, a panda right there.

You! [dramatic music]

Get... in... my... mouth!

[music]

[grunting]

Get in my mouth, you stupid panda.

Hiya!

Oh, my God!

I am... the panda.

I am the panda!

[glass shatters] Here is your bill for lawyer services.

[both grunt]

[techno music]

[techno music]

[upbeat pop music] [phone rings]

[both screaming]

[both] Sunday Funday!

[laughter]

[both whimpering]

[both] Sunday Funday! Sunday Funday!

[laughter]

- Sunday Funday! Sunday Funday! - Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

[camera shutter clicks]

[both screaming]

[both] Sunday Funday!

- Uh... Sunday. - Funday!

- Ah! Sunday? Really? - Sunday [bleep] Funday?

[both screaming]

Hyah!

[both grunting]

[laughter]

[Trish] Sunday Funday! Whooo!

- Sunday! - Sunday, huh?

- Sunday! - Sunday Funday!

- Sunday... - Funday!

[both screaming]

- Excuse me. - Frigging Sunday, huh?

Ooh! Frigging Sunday Funday!

[retches] Funday!

[dry heaves]

[laughter]

It's Sunday Funday!

[both yelp]

Sunday Funday!

Mmm! [camera shutter clicks]

[whispers] Sunday Funday, bitch. [blows]

[groans]

[camera shutter clicks]

Hey, man, can you help me chase some rats out of the air duct?

[phone rings] You're the only one with narrow enough hips to fit,

and the cat I threw up there didn't make it.

That's it! That's it! I am done with this!

All I want to do is eat my bowl of cereal in peace!

Jeez, man! Who shit in your cereal?

At last, my Tiny Hipp-Os.

Here we go.

Ah, shit.

sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0