Original subtitles

Soon, my children,

we shall claim our new home.

- Commander Zorbolbrax. - Yes, my queen?

How many light-years until we reach... Earth?

- 420! - Nice.

[buzzer sounds]

[wheels squeaking]

[water bubbling]

[techno music]

2x04 - "Cold War 2"

[clicking] [gun clicking]

[high-pitched whirring]

Nobody, nobody buys in Southampton anymore, okay?

First of all, you know you can't land a helicopter

any time after, like, 9:00 p.m.

And I got to tell you, you know, sometimes

you're gonna need to come and go on the chopper

and you don't want all the neighbors complaining.

And the other thing is, like... Hey, Joe Joe.

Yeah, just forget Southampton.

It's like you might as well be in the ghetto.

[cat growling] What are you doing, little guy?

Whoa! Get... Wait, wait!

No! That's a thousand-dollar tie!

Ah-ha! Ah!

[cat growling]

[whistling carefree tune]

[militaristic music]

[jet flies over]

So I said, "Listen, comrade, eat the borsht or put it back in pot.

Don't foot pussy around it, bro."

Well? Don't keep me on the edge of my seat, Yuri.

- Did he eat the borsht or what? - Of course he no eat borsht.

He is real Yankee jerk-off.

Ugh! I hate those guys. [phone rings]

All hail the great and noble Mother Russia

and her virile leader, Vladimir Putin.

This is TripTank. How can I help you?

Yo, yo, TripTank, yo! Hey, I got to give some shout-outs.

I want to give some shout-outs.

Shout-out to Pookie, Ray Ray, Earl, Craig, my mama.

Uh, this is a TV show. We don't really do shout-outs.

[man on phone] Shut your ass up, sir!

I got to give a shout-out to Santa Claus,

- the Easter Bunny, unicorns. - Um, again, we don't really...

Sir, if you don't shut your bitch-ass up

- while I do these shout-outs, though! - Uh, okay.

I got to give a shout-out to the bread!

We can't forget about the bread. Oh, this glazed ham.

Got to give a shout-out to this ham.

- Uh, turkey. - Are you just making a sandwich now?

[man on phone] Shout-out!

[techno music]

[man on phone] And another thing!

Your company's customer service is nothing short of terrible!

Do you have my account pulled up? Do you? Do you?

Do you see where I called in three separate times

on my day off, talking to you people?

I should receive at least a month's credit

for the inconvenience I've suffered.

Understand that if this is not immediately resolved...

[doorbell rings] Could you hold on for just a second?

Somebody's at my door.

- Hello. Can I help you? - [man] Are you Sheldon Lipscomb?

Yes, and who might you be?

[chain saw revs] Ah!

[man screaming on phone]

No! Please, no! Aah!

[man] Now announcing Sir Ian of Patrick.

Sir Ian!

Oh, my heart doth smile upon your triumphant return.

My liege, I come bearing splendid news.

- The chimera is real? - Oh, very real.

I knew you were the knight for the quest. Please, spare no detail.

I did exactly as I was told, Your Majesty.

- I entered the ruins. - [gasps] Go on.

- I tracked down my prey. - Go on!

- I removed my armor. - And then?

And then... I [bleep] the chimera

? Chicka, chicka, wah, wah ?

- Waka, chicka, chicka... - W-W-Wait!

Did I hear that right?

Let it be known that Sir Ian of Patrick, me,

made sweet love... sex... to the chimera.

All six holes. [crowd gasps]

Sir Ian, your quest was to slay the chimera!

Yes. Lay the chimera. And I... I did it.

No, no, no, no! Slay, you blistering idiot!

Slay the evil beast!

- I sent you there to kill it! - Are you serious?

Oh, I thought you said, "Lay the chimera."

Lay? Lay the chimera? What does that even mean?

You said you wanted me to take the chimera down,

so I took the chimera "down."

[laughter] Silence!

Did you really have carnal knowledge of the chimera?

- How does that even work? - You hold the scorpion t...

No, no, no, no, no, no. I... I don't want to know.

- Go back at once! - Go back?

- Like, back, back? - Yes!

You will go back and slay the vile beast at once

or you will suffer under the yoke for your unnatural deeds.

Your Highness, no! Don't make me go back there.

You will kill it! Not thrill it!

[dramatic music]

You and you and you and you...

you, you, and you.

Ahh! [ogre groaning]

Oh, just do it! Just kill me!

I don't have time for this. [bleep] this.

Hey. Where are you going?

Finish what you started!

[Sir Ian] Oh.

- Lovely day. [grunts] - Yah!

- Ah! Run, Janine! - Oh, no you don't.

[grunts]

Great chimera, it is I, Sir Ian of Patrick.

[laughs] Oh, my goodness. Baby, is that you?

- Ooh, it's so good to see you... - Silence, beast!

Beast? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Who you calling "beast"?

You wasn't calling me beast when I had

- my finger in your ass. - Shh! That was a mistake.

That's all it was. How many have you told of this?

Mistake? Uh-uh. Boy, you been inside me.

[bleats]

We had a good time, but that's over now. It's done.

What was all that bullshit about meeting your parents?

I am here to slay you, to send you back to

the bowels of hell from whence you have come.

Uh... Oh. I don't let no man talk to me like this.

You don't walk up in here with your sword and shield,

acting like you all bad.

[bleats] You ain't nothing!

I-it's... it's not...

- It's not you, it's me. - Look me in my eye and tell me

you don't want this pussy. [bleats]

Do it! Tell me.

Say it, and I will let you slay me.

I... I...

I... Ahh.

I did it again. [coins clink]

[techno music]

[techno music]

[rock music] [students gasp]

[chalk scraping]

Hello, children. Time for Versus!

[students cheering]

_

_

versus...

[heavy rock music]

[cheery instrumental music]

[crowd cheering]

[students cheering]

_

[screeching]

[cheering instrumental music]

You got it, Mister Buttons!

[electricity crackling]

[electricity crackling]

Aw, come on, Mister Buttons. That's not even food.

[laughter]

[students cheering]

[students gasp] [silence]

Winner.

Thorax the thunder wasp?

[students cheering]

Yeah. Yeah!

[laughs] Yeah. All right.

God damn it, I am Russian. If Yuri want to watch

porno and switch over to Nu, Pogodi!, then, so be it!

- Yuri does it! - Damn right, Yuri. It's a free country.

- Nyet. Not free country. - Oh, right. Yeah, sorry.

[bear growling] Holy shit!

Nadia, grab Kalashnikov. It could be Cossack.

Andale, andale. Arriba! Ai, ai, ai!

[man] Psst. Steve. Hey, Steve.

- What? Who's there? - Quick, man.

I set a bear loose in the break room as a distraction.

- Let's roll out of here, brother. - Roy! O.M.G.

I haven't seen you since the Socialist Revolution.

No time to talk, Steve. It's been hell

on earth since them Ruskies showed up.

Really? I haven't noticed anything different.

I mean, I guess there's a lot more ice-dancing

on TV now and we all love Billy Crystal

and we all have those dash-cams, but those have been pretty fun.

Pretty fun? These jackasses are grinding

- dog shit into our flag, man. - Well, that's a bit dramatic.

[bear growls] Oh, shit. They're coming back.

Don't worry, brother, I swear by Martha Washington's

wrinkled titties I'm coming back for you, man.

Don't worry, Steve.

It was just bear in break room.

Now me and Bosco go drink vodka till we black out.

[laughs]

[laughs] Classic Yuri.

[militaristic music]

[man] Hmm. Wow.

Well, here's the apartment.

- Do you mean the burned out warehouse? - [laughs] No.

That burned out warehouse is way out of your price range.

- This is the apartment. - That's a toilet.

Actually, it's a junior studio in a very up-and-coming part of town.

- 1,400 a month. - But it's a toilet.

Pre-war, original handle...

Right. Can you excuse us for just a second?

I don't want to live in a toilet.

I know, but $1,400 is a pretty good deal.

Can you tell us a little bit more about the place?

Like I said, great location, burned out warehouse

adjacent, beautiful natural light from the fires...

the neighborhood gets a lot of fires.

- Ah! - Wow. See?

Oh... Anything else?

- No pets allowed. - Okay.

- It's a 4 1/2 month lease. - Okay.

- The previous tenant was murdered. - Wait, someone was murdered here?

- Oh, what about utilities? - Seriously?!

Utilities aren't even included in the toilet rent?!

No. I mean there are no utilities.

That's why the listing said "rustic charm."

- It's quaint. - [gasps] The simple life, honey.

But why would we pay $1,400 to live in a toilet?!

Look, if you're not interested, I'm sure there are

plenty of other people who would love to rent the place.

Oh, my God! What a cute junior studio.

I wonder if it's pre-war.

- Honey, I think we got to make a decision quick! - But it's a toilet!

- Honey, honey... - For $1,400 a month!

- Honey, honey, give me the checkbook. - It's a toilet!

Is there any way you would maybe

- come down on price? - No. In fact,

in the time it's taken us to have this conversation,

the rent has gone up by... Whoa! $100!

- $1,500! - Oh, my God, that's...

Look, if we wait any longer, we're gonna lose this.

Please, honey, we got to jump on this!

Of course, I will need first month, last month,

middle month, and security deposit up front.

- Okay. - Plus, the standard broker fee of 23...

I mean, 32%.

- That is 10,000... - Plus gratuity. [coughs]

- Oh, my God... - No, no, no.

- Honey, honey, please. - Okay. Okay. Fine!

- Live in a toilet. - [laughing] Okay. Great!

We'll take it! We'll take it! We'll take it!

Fantastic!

Whoa, hold your horses, hotshot.

All renters must be approved by the co-op board.

[musical flourish]

[Russian music playing] [phone rings]

I'm a freedom-hating Communist named Steve.

This is TripTank. How can I help you?

Yeah, hi. I'm calling from the animal shelter.

Who do I thank for killing all these dogs?

I don't know what you're talking about, man!

Well, sometimes when one of our poor animals goes unadopted,

we unfortunately have to put them down. It's so sad.

- So what we do is we turn TripTank on. - What?

And the dogs just immediately drop dead.

- Oh, that's crazy! - It must be how terrible your show is.

- I don't know, but it works every time. - Yeah, no problem, man.

I've got this check here to pay for your services.

I wrote in the memo line "for the dead dogs."

How do I get that to you?

Oh, let me transfer you. Hey, hey, hey

[techno music]

[dramatic music]

[knock on door]

Hello, officer.

- Brenda Peterson? - Y-Yes.

Miss Peterson, I am sorry to inform you but your husband is dead.

But officer, my husband died six years ago.

Yeah, I know.

I just wanted to remind you. [sobbing]

[laughing]

You still got it.

[militaristic music]

[electronic beeping]

Mmm.

Ah! God damn it, Roy!

Listen, man, when the clock strikes 3:00,

we rise up against those bread line pinko bastards.

- Roy, come on. They're nice people. - You been brainwashed, man.

Come back to me, buddy. America needs you, brother.

[phone ringing]

Dobre deen. It's TripTank.

TripTank? Help! I can't find my penis.

I-it's lost! I've looked everywhere and I can't find it.

Have you tried looking between your legs?

What? What do you mean my legs?

Of course I looked between... Wait.

Oh. [chuckles] Yes, there he is.

[chuckles] Wiggy, wiggy, wiggy.

Oh, I found my penis. Thanks, TripTank.

I'll talk to you next week, Jerry.

[Jerry on phone] Good bye.

I think I deserve a little sugar.

3:00 today, the re-re-revolution begins.

[Roy] Apple pie forever!

[sighs] I'm very sorry.

He doesn't have much time.

I think it might be appropriate to say good-bye.

[coughs]

Deborah! I didn't think you'd come.

Come here, I need to... I need to confess something.

- No, granddad, rest. - No. I won't get another chance.

I need to tell someone before I go.

What do you need to say, granddad?

Well, this is difficult, but remember that night

your mother accused you of stealing from her purse?

- The $50. - Yes.

Yes, it was the first real fight I ever had with her.

I took the 50 spot.

- What? - For candy. Marshmallow bar.

No. It's okay, granddad. I forgive you.

Also, it was me who stole the baby Jesus

from the nativity and replaced it with a poop.

- Ugh! - And I was the one who started

the rumor that your boyfriend had done it

because I didn't like the jackets he would wear.

What? I loved Derek!

- We were supposed... - Deb, I'm sorry, but those jackets...

No! No to zippers. Too many zippers!

Also, when that body was found in your car last year,

- I was involved in that. - What?

Not directly the murder, but I did a good

amount of the planning. I thought it'd be funny.

How could you keep this from me? I was in court for a year!

- You ruined my life, mother... - [coughing] Deb, I... love... you.

[machine beeps]

[gasps] Oh, my God. Grandpa?

[man speaking on PA]

- He's stabilizing. - It's a miracle!

Miss, it looks like your granddad is gonna be just fine.

Shit!

[woman sobbing]

All right, straighten up, you goons.

We know this must be very difficult for you, but

which one of these sick bastards did this to you?

- You did! - Oh! It was you!

Whoops! [laughs]

Oh, my. You look better.

You look like you've shed a few LBs.

Make note that she pointed out number three.

- Huh? - Anyways, what are you doing later?

[Steve humming]

Time to revolutionize, Steve. It's 3:00. Re-Re-Revolution.

That name makes me very uncomfortable, Roy.

Come on! Just like we planned.

What plan? I didn't plan anything with you.

Whoo! Here we go!

U-S-A! U-S-A!

Jump on a desk and chant? That's the plan?

Yeah, and blow up the building. Come on, light me up!

- Duke boys-style. - What in the name of

Mikhail Gorbachev is going on in here?

- There he is. That's the guy you want. - Steve! You sold me out!

[grunts] Take him to torture chamber.

Nadia is quite skilled with pickax and laser beam.

You sons of bitches expect me to talk?

No, Mr. Roy. We expect you to die. James Bond.

[Roy] Avenge me!

[Yuri laughing]

Hmm. I wonder if selling out my best friend

in the world to the KGB was a bad idea. Hmm. [static crackles]

[men] There once was a baby

? Who never left his womb ?

? Now he's 34 and not going anywhere soon ?

? It's Ma and Frankie ?

That's me. [chuckles]

- Let's get a cat, Frankie. - Cats are gay, Ma.

- I want a cobra. - A what? No, no, no.

We're not getting a cob... [belches] Did you shave, like I asked you?

- Yeah. - Frankie, don't lie to me.

I'm not lying.

Don't try and pull a fast one in my stomach.

I only get heartburn when you're growing a beard.

So you believe your stomach over your own son?

No.

Now, be careful. Don't cut yourself.

And make sure you get it all.

Come on, it makes me look like an action star.

You don't need a beard to look like an action star, my boy.

Now shave it.

- Ma. - My womb, my rules.

You know, I'm getting tired of all your rules.

Yeah, well, find a new place to live,

then you can grow all the beards you want.

What'd you just say, Ma?

- Nothing. - I heard you.

You said I should find somewhere else to live.

- No, I didn't. - Swear on Grandpa's grave!

I didn't mean it, Frankie.

Yes, you did. Fine, I'll move out.

No, don't! Don't leave. Frankie!

Frankie?

I didn't mean it either, Ma. I love it in here.

- You can stay as long as you want. - Thanks, Ma.

Shave the whole damn thing, Frankie.

Ah, crap, Ma! Can't I keep the 'stache?

- Frankie! - Fine.

[clatter]

[Frankie] I need more shaving cream.

? It's Ma and Frankie ?

Oh, no, Steve, what did you do? You sold out Roy.

And for what? Financial equality and black-market Levis?

What a joke! No! It's time to do something.

Now is the time for Steve to step up for America!

For freedom! And...

That's what I told that Sizzler waitress,

"Honey, you keep tugging on it like that,

it's gonna spit at you." [laughs]

Roy W. Winchester, you are scoundrel and gentleman.

I'm going to miss you

now that every Russian withdraw from America.

Wait, what? What happened in there?

Oh, I taught Yuri how to parallel park his Countach.

And I also banged the hell out of Nadia.

Da. The Russian people realize that any

country that could produce someone so witty,

so charming, and so sexually virile as your Roy

- must never be stifled. - I [bleep] our way to freedom, man!

- And here is gift for you, Roy. - Oh, you shouldn't have.

See? Is Roy inside of Roy

inside of Roy and inside of smallest Roy,

is bear.

That's so damn cute. It looks like a little Roy.

So long, America. Enjoy your freedom.

- And enjoy your Roy. - What a country!

Jaka smena!

And Steve, we have not forgotten you.

- Here is rock from Chernobyl. - Oh.

- Is key chain for keys. - Oh, great! [chuckles]

I'll put it right here in my front pocket.

Whoa. That's warm. Warm rock.

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