All language subtitles for TripTank s02e01 The WANG

af Afrikaans
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bn Bengali
bs Bosnian
bg Bulgarian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
km Khmer
ko Korean
ku Kurdish (Kurmanji)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Lao
la Latin
lv Latvian
lt Lithuanian
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
ne Nepali
no Norwegian
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt Portuguese
pa Punjabi
ro Romanian
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
st Sesotho
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhala
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
te Telugu
th Thai
tr Turkish
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
or Odia (Oriya)
rw Kinyarwanda
tk Turkmen
tt Tatar
ug Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,166 --> 00:00:02,965 [whimsical music] 2 00:00:10,700 --> 00:00:12,699 Whoa! Ooh! 3 00:00:12,700 --> 00:00:16,700 [muffled grunting] 4 00:00:17,700 --> 00:00:20,919 Weird. [whimsical music] 5 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,699 Whoa! Ooh! 6 00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:25,672 [dubstep music] 7 00:00:25,928 --> 00:00:28,697 2x01 - The W.A.N.G. 8 00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:39,699 _ 9 00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:42,699 [man] I don't ask questions. I just do the job. 10 00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:46,499 [Dana] Will you look at that asshole Ga... 11 00:00:46,500 --> 00:00:47,980 Oh, no, wait a minute. That ain't him. 12 00:00:48,005 --> 00:00:50,499 It says right here in Gary's day planner that I stole, 13 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:53,499 - "Quarterly Physical, 3:00 P.M." - I don't understand this. 14 00:00:53,500 --> 00:00:55,499 That turd bag's never late to anything. 15 00:00:55,500 --> 00:00:58,980 Guys, it's only 2:00. You know that clock doesn't even work. 16 00:00:59,005 --> 00:01:01,499 - Really? Shit. - Goddam it, Matt. 17 00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:02,940 I mean, you're the one that broke it. 18 00:01:02,941 --> 00:01:04,325 _ 19 00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:07,849 Look at that asshole Gary going to see a doctor like a jerk. 20 00:01:07,850 --> 00:01:11,849 - He is literally rubbing our faces in it. - Oh, we've gotta get revenge. 21 00:01:11,850 --> 00:01:15,849 - Are we ready to do this or what? - You know I am. [whooping] 22 00:01:15,850 --> 00:01:16,890 Good. So don't screw it up. 23 00:01:16,915 --> 00:01:20,849 Now everybody, take off your clothes, and let's get prankin'. 24 00:01:20,850 --> 00:01:22,930 All right, Gary, let's have you hop up on that scale. 25 00:01:22,955 --> 00:01:24,849 Not a problem, Nurse. 26 00:01:24,850 --> 00:01:27,849 Whoa, and you are a lot fatter than you look. 27 00:01:27,850 --> 00:01:28,849 Oh. [laughs] 28 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:32,969 Yes, well, heavy bones do run in the ol' Gare-man's family. 29 00:01:32,970 --> 00:01:34,969 - My family tried to abandon me. - What? 30 00:01:34,970 --> 00:01:38,969 - The doctors will be right with you. - Hey, you forgot my urine sample. 31 00:01:38,970 --> 00:01:41,969 Ya, ya, ya, yes, hello, patient. I'm Doctor. 32 00:01:41,970 --> 00:01:44,130 What's the problem you have with your gross body today? 33 00:01:44,155 --> 00:01:45,969 Oh, hello. No problems, Doc. 34 00:01:45,970 --> 00:01:48,969 Just getting my quarterly checkup, you know, trying to stay fit. 35 00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:50,290 By the way, where is Dr. Schwartz? 36 00:01:50,315 --> 00:01:52,969 Oh, he's dead or something. Don't worry about it, uggo. 37 00:01:52,970 --> 00:01:53,969 What? He's dead? 38 00:01:53,970 --> 00:01:56,969 Sure, he died and we're you new doctors now, dirt bag. 39 00:01:56,970 --> 00:01:59,969 But he just read the Purim story at my house. 40 00:01:59,970 --> 00:02:01,370 Oh, that's probably what killed him. 41 00:02:01,395 --> 00:02:05,969 Yeah, I'm Dr. Pepper, and this here is, uh, Dr. Chinstrap. 42 00:02:05,970 --> 00:02:09,969 - Dude, I thought I was Dr. Radical. - It's called improv. Take a class. 43 00:02:09,970 --> 00:02:11,969 I just can't believe my brother-in-law is dead. 44 00:02:11,970 --> 00:02:13,970 Yes, and now it's time to take a look at your balls 45 00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:16,969 and also your dong. 46 00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:19,969 - What? - Just pop open your gown, lard ass. 47 00:02:19,970 --> 00:02:22,969 - Let's get a look at that hog. - Well, that seems highly irregular, 48 00:02:22,970 --> 00:02:25,969 but I guess you are the medical professionals. 49 00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:28,969 - Holy shit. - I am very uncomfortable. 50 00:02:28,970 --> 00:02:32,969 - Is everything okay, Dr. Pepper? - Yes, of course, dumb medical patient. 51 00:02:32,970 --> 00:02:35,969 Just hold on, I need to confer with Dr. Chinstrap for a moment. 52 00:02:35,970 --> 00:02:37,969 Come on, what are you waiting for? 53 00:02:37,970 --> 00:02:39,970 Just really weirded out by Gary's penis here, dude. 54 00:02:39,995 --> 00:02:42,969 - Just say the lines I wrote for you. - Fine. 55 00:02:42,970 --> 00:02:45,969 Oh, well, Mr. Dummy Dumb Face, that doesn't look good. 56 00:02:45,970 --> 00:02:47,969 We're going to have to remove it. 57 00:02:47,970 --> 00:02:49,969 - Remove what? - Your penis. 58 00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:51,969 Your crazy-looking penis is coming off today. 59 00:02:51,970 --> 00:02:55,272 - What... what... why? - Nurse! Ah, Nurse Cottonballs, 60 00:02:55,307 --> 00:02:57,969 prep this man for genital removal surgery, pronto! 61 00:02:57,970 --> 00:03:01,969 - Wonderful, I found these in the alley. - Wait, this can't be happening. 62 00:03:01,970 --> 00:03:04,969 - Oh, it's happening. - Kiss your nuts good-bye, Turkey! 63 00:03:04,970 --> 00:03:06,969 - Gobble, gobble, gobble. - Oh, my God! 64 00:03:06,970 --> 00:03:09,969 Come on, Matt. You're up. 65 00:03:09,970 --> 00:03:13,969 - What... What the hell is going on? - Ha, ha! It's us, you jerk. 66 00:03:13,970 --> 00:03:16,969 Dana, Andy, Matt? What's happening? 67 00:03:16,970 --> 00:03:20,348 Just your classic "sneak into a hospital, pretend to be doctors, 68 00:03:20,383 --> 00:03:22,176 make a guy think his penis and balls are 69 00:03:22,177 --> 00:03:23,969 getting lopped off till he passes out, 70 00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:26,969 and then splash pee-pee in his face" revenge prank. 71 00:03:26,970 --> 00:03:28,969 Suck it, Gary! Whoo! 72 00:03:28,970 --> 00:03:30,969 [guys panting] 73 00:03:30,970 --> 00:03:33,969 Ah! Oh, my God. 74 00:03:33,970 --> 00:03:35,969 [Dana] Suck it, Gary! Whoo! 75 00:03:35,970 --> 00:03:37,969 Wow, what a great prank. 76 00:03:37,970 --> 00:03:40,210 Yeah, I really thought they were gonna cut his penis off. 77 00:03:40,235 --> 00:03:43,969 Seems a bit odd to have a bay window in a hospital examination room. 78 00:03:43,970 --> 00:03:45,969 Seems odd to mix Rocky Road with rainbow sherbet. 79 00:03:45,970 --> 00:03:47,585 Eh, not to me. 80 00:03:47,620 --> 00:03:51,436 _ 81 00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:54,969 [mysterious music] 82 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,969 [phone ringing] 83 00:03:59,970 --> 00:04:02,969 Hello, Triptank, this is Steve. How can I help you? 84 00:04:02,970 --> 00:04:04,690 [woman] Triptank is the most offensive thing 85 00:04:04,715 --> 00:04:05,969 I've ever seen on television. 86 00:04:05,970 --> 00:04:07,969 My bridge group all hates it. 87 00:04:07,970 --> 00:04:10,969 I mean, except for Barbara, but we all hate Barbara. 88 00:04:10,970 --> 00:04:11,969 She cheats and lies. 89 00:04:11,970 --> 00:04:13,969 We all see you, Barbara. Cheats and lies. 90 00:04:13,970 --> 00:04:16,969 - Um... - Triptank is despicable. 91 00:04:16,970 --> 00:04:18,969 I'm telling all my friends to watch it. 92 00:04:18,970 --> 00:04:21,969 - What the hell are you wearing, Roy? - Oh, this? 93 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,969 I got it at my neighbor's garage sale. 94 00:04:23,970 --> 00:04:27,969 It's a W.A.N.G., man. A Waste Analyzing Neutralizing Garment. 95 00:04:27,970 --> 00:04:30,969 - Oh, what does it do? - It's for the rocket men, man, 96 00:04:30,970 --> 00:04:32,530 'cause there ain't no water up in space. 97 00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:35,969 It takes all your discharged waste, mixes it up into a slurry, 98 00:04:35,970 --> 00:04:37,969 - and converts it into potable water, - Uh... 99 00:04:37,970 --> 00:04:39,250 shoots it up this tube right here 100 00:04:39,275 --> 00:04:42,969 and then you suck it right out of the tip. 101 00:04:42,970 --> 00:04:44,969 - Mmm! - So, wait, you're drinking... 102 00:04:44,970 --> 00:04:46,010 It's my own piss and shit. 103 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,969 I'm trying to reach peak hydration, man. 104 00:04:47,970 --> 00:04:51,969 - Staying hydrated is super important. - Oh, my God, Roy... 105 00:04:51,970 --> 00:04:53,969 I want one so bad! 106 00:04:53,970 --> 00:04:56,969 I knew you would! That's why I got two of 'em. 107 00:04:56,970 --> 00:04:58,969 - Yes! - Now take off them pants 108 00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:00,816 and let's strap on this W.A.N.G. 109 00:05:01,970 --> 00:05:04,969 Today's the day, Seahorse, I know it. 110 00:05:04,970 --> 00:05:07,969 I will go above water and meet my prince. 111 00:05:07,970 --> 00:05:10,969 We'll get married, or if I'm lucky, 112 00:05:10,970 --> 00:05:14,969 I'll get knocked up and collect child support for 18 years. 113 00:05:14,970 --> 00:05:17,969 But, Sabrina, will you ever return? 114 00:05:17,970 --> 00:05:20,969 The ocean will never be the same without you. 115 00:05:20,970 --> 00:05:25,969 I will always remember you, Seahorse. You're my best friend. 116 00:05:25,970 --> 00:05:27,969 But once I go to land, to the human world, 117 00:05:27,970 --> 00:05:30,969 I'll grow legs and won't be able to return. 118 00:05:30,970 --> 00:05:34,969 I hope a part of you always remains fishy, Sabrina. 119 00:05:34,970 --> 00:05:36,969 It sure will, Turtle. 120 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:41,969 Deep inside, I will always have... a fishiness about me. 121 00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:43,969 Farewell, old friends. 122 00:05:43,970 --> 00:05:47,969 May the currents always flow in your direction. 123 00:05:47,970 --> 00:05:51,969 Arrgh! [scatting] 124 00:05:51,970 --> 00:05:53,969 ? Oh, Sabrina ? 125 00:05:53,970 --> 00:05:58,969 Ahh, the sun is even more beautiful above the waves. 126 00:05:58,970 --> 00:06:02,969 Ah! What the [bleep]? 127 00:06:02,970 --> 00:06:04,969 Ouch! Ouch! 128 00:06:04,970 --> 00:06:07,969 [growling] 129 00:06:07,970 --> 00:06:10,969 [Sabrina] What is happening? 130 00:06:10,970 --> 00:06:13,969 It's a [bleep] mess! 131 00:06:13,970 --> 00:06:17,969 I can feel the disease in me! [groans] 132 00:06:17,970 --> 00:06:21,016 [dubstep music] 133 00:06:23,637 --> 00:06:26,286 [farting sound] 134 00:06:31,137 --> 00:06:34,136 [mysterious music] 135 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:42,136 [dubstep music] 136 00:06:42,787 --> 00:06:45,786 - Ha ha hoo! That was awesome! - Perfection. 137 00:06:45,787 --> 00:06:49,067 Guys, you're both right. That was my best performance yet. 138 00:06:49,092 --> 00:06:52,786 I... I was really uncomfortable looking at Gary's penis. 139 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:55,786 Yeah, he kept going on and on about his heavy bones. 140 00:06:55,787 --> 00:06:58,786 I can't believe that asshole Gary 141 00:06:58,787 --> 00:07:00,786 forced us to look at his enormous penis. 142 00:07:00,787 --> 00:07:02,786 - Damn you, Gary. - What a jerk! 143 00:07:02,787 --> 00:07:08,786 Oh-oh-oh-oh, Gary. Hard it sucking will soon commence. 144 00:07:08,787 --> 00:07:10,987 And, by the way, guess who's gonna be doing the sucking? 145 00:07:11,012 --> 00:07:13,786 Surprise! It's you! 146 00:07:13,787 --> 00:07:17,786 [all] Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! 147 00:07:17,787 --> 00:07:19,786 - Suck it, Gary! - Whoo! 148 00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:21,786 [Dana] Well, we're home. 149 00:07:21,787 --> 00:07:25,118 _ 150 00:07:25,787 --> 00:07:28,118 [lighthearted piano] 151 00:07:28,787 --> 00:07:29,786 [doorbell rings] 152 00:07:29,787 --> 00:07:33,786 Hello? Hello? 153 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:37,786 [shouting] 154 00:07:37,787 --> 00:07:40,786 [shouting muffled] 155 00:07:40,787 --> 00:07:44,186 What the [bleep]? [panting] 156 00:07:44,787 --> 00:07:47,786 What the hell is this? 157 00:07:47,787 --> 00:07:49,786 Wait, wait. That was for charity! 158 00:07:49,787 --> 00:07:53,770 I was raising money for cancer research. 159 00:07:55,787 --> 00:07:57,786 Oh, my god. Oh, [bleep]! 160 00:07:57,787 --> 00:08:01,786 Look, that was a joke. I-I didn't mean anything by it. 161 00:08:01,787 --> 00:08:05,786 Oh, [bleep]! Look, okay, okay. 162 00:08:05,787 --> 00:08:07,786 Stop, stop. I can explain. 163 00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,786 This guy at work, Stan, he put me up to this. 164 00:08:10,787 --> 00:08:13,786 He said that if I did this I would be one of the guys. 165 00:08:13,787 --> 00:08:15,786 Ahhhh! It w... It was a joke. 166 00:08:15,787 --> 00:08:19,786 It was a joke. Let's just pretend it didn't happen, okay? 167 00:08:19,787 --> 00:08:22,928 Everyone cool? 168 00:08:23,787 --> 00:08:25,786 [electrical buzzing] 169 00:08:25,787 --> 00:08:28,786 Ahhhhhh! Oh, oh, oh, oh! 170 00:08:28,787 --> 00:08:30,786 This can't be happening. This can't be happening. 171 00:08:30,787 --> 00:08:33,786 Sorry, I'm sorry. I-I didn't think you would mind. 172 00:08:33,787 --> 00:08:37,786 I mean, you're... you're not real. Right? 173 00:08:37,787 --> 00:08:39,786 I thought you would love traveling. 174 00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:40,786 [screaming] 175 00:08:40,787 --> 00:08:43,786 I'm not sorry, you [bleep] bearded [bleep]! 176 00:08:43,787 --> 00:08:48,786 Ahhhhhhh... [sobbing] 177 00:08:48,787 --> 00:08:50,786 I'm the victim! 178 00:08:50,787 --> 00:08:53,786 I was molested as a kid, for Christ's sake! 179 00:08:53,787 --> 00:08:56,786 My mom beat me with a [bleep] garden gnome, 180 00:08:56,787 --> 00:09:01,786 you [bleep] bastards! I'm so sorry! 181 00:09:01,787 --> 00:09:03,786 I'll do anything to make this right! 182 00:09:03,787 --> 00:09:06,786 I'll do anything to make this right! 183 00:09:06,787 --> 00:09:09,786 [Frank sobbing and whimpering] 184 00:09:09,787 --> 00:09:11,786 No, no, no... 185 00:09:11,787 --> 00:09:13,786 [crying] 186 00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:16,786 [jazzy swing music] 187 00:09:24,787 --> 00:09:27,786 [pounding music] 188 00:09:31,787 --> 00:09:35,786 [both slurping] 189 00:09:35,787 --> 00:09:37,786 Hey, Roy, does yours taste a little funny at all? 190 00:09:37,787 --> 00:09:40,786 Hell no, mine tastes like fresh mountain stream water. 191 00:09:40,787 --> 00:09:42,786 [both slurping] 192 00:09:42,787 --> 00:09:44,786 Ech, mine doesn't taste fresh at all. 193 00:09:44,787 --> 00:09:46,187 That's just the factory flavor, man. 194 00:09:46,212 --> 00:09:49,786 - You gotta suck through that. - All right. [slurping] 195 00:09:49,787 --> 00:09:51,786 No, man. No, it's still really weird. 196 00:09:51,787 --> 00:09:53,786 I don't know, man. [slurping] 197 00:09:53,787 --> 00:09:55,786 Maybe your suit's set to fizzy or something. 198 00:09:55,787 --> 00:09:57,786 No, it's not fizzy. It's slightly... 199 00:09:57,787 --> 00:09:59,786 [sloshing] 200 00:09:59,787 --> 00:10:02,786 - Metallic in its bouquet. - Oh, shit. [slurping] 201 00:10:02,787 --> 00:10:05,786 There's a hickory or maybe even a compost-y effervescence. 202 00:10:05,787 --> 00:10:08,786 Take five on the sucking, brother. This thing ain't even on. 203 00:10:08,787 --> 00:10:10,387 Yeah, I thought it tasted a little funny. 204 00:10:10,412 --> 00:10:11,786 Boy, you're becoming a man now, 205 00:10:11,787 --> 00:10:15,286 and I think it's time I give you something that's been 206 00:10:15,287 --> 00:10:18,786 passed between the men in our family for generations. 207 00:10:18,787 --> 00:10:21,786 It was given to me by my father when I was around your age, 208 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:26,786 and his father gave it to him, and so on, and so on. 209 00:10:26,787 --> 00:10:31,786 [ticking] 210 00:10:31,787 --> 00:10:34,786 We should make this quick, though. I've got the diarrheas. 211 00:10:34,787 --> 00:10:37,786 My dear boy, the joy of my life, 212 00:10:37,787 --> 00:10:42,786 words cannot express how happy this day makes me. 213 00:10:42,787 --> 00:10:45,786 Now, it is my pleasure to hand over... 214 00:10:45,787 --> 00:10:47,786 the family mustache. 215 00:10:47,787 --> 00:10:49,786 [straining and screaming] 216 00:10:49,787 --> 00:10:55,786 - [Son] Dad! - Lord, this is probably the worst pain 217 00:10:55,787 --> 00:11:00,422 I have ever felt in my life! Holy dick! 218 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,786 Son, if you have an ounce of love for me, 219 00:11:03,787 --> 00:11:05,786 you will put Daddy out of his misery. 220 00:11:05,787 --> 00:11:07,786 But... But I don't even want a mustache. 221 00:11:07,787 --> 00:11:09,786 You shut your mouth! You shut it! 222 00:11:09,787 --> 00:11:11,786 Now help Daddy pull the other end off. 223 00:11:11,787 --> 00:11:15,786 Ahhhh! Son of a tit! 224 00:11:15,787 --> 00:11:19,786 [strained] My life is a nightmare! My life is a nightmare! 225 00:11:19,787 --> 00:11:21,786 My life is a nightmare. [whimpering] 226 00:11:21,787 --> 00:11:24,569 You did good, boy. You did good, boy. 227 00:11:24,604 --> 00:11:26,786 Daddy's proud of you, my sweet boy. 228 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:29,786 Okay, okay. That's gonna attach itself 229 00:11:29,787 --> 00:11:32,786 in about three or four days. 230 00:11:32,787 --> 00:11:35,786 [ominous music] 231 00:11:40,736 --> 00:11:43,967 [gunshots] [ricochets] 232 00:11:45,787 --> 00:11:48,786 _ 233 00:11:48,787 --> 00:11:50,786 [Hitman] I just ended up strangling him. 234 00:11:50,787 --> 00:11:52,786 [turtle groans] 235 00:11:52,787 --> 00:11:53,786 [phone rings] [slurps] 236 00:11:53,787 --> 00:11:55,786 Hello, Triptank, this is Steve, how can I... 237 00:11:55,787 --> 00:11:57,786 [slurping] help you? 238 00:11:57,787 --> 00:12:01,786 Hello, Tripstank. Back again, [bleep] faces. 239 00:12:01,787 --> 00:12:05,786 You oughta be ashamed of yourselves and the horrible things you do. 240 00:12:05,787 --> 00:12:09,786 - I'm not sure what you're talking about. - Your show is visual poison. 241 00:12:09,787 --> 00:12:13,786 - [Caller] It's killing me. - Is that even possible? 242 00:12:13,787 --> 00:12:16,286 Also, in addition, I have still not received my 243 00:12:16,287 --> 00:12:18,786 autographed headshot you were supposedly sending me. 244 00:12:18,787 --> 00:12:19,786 I'm sorry about that. 245 00:12:19,787 --> 00:12:24,786 And I have not gotten my 5XL t-shirt which I was promised. 246 00:12:24,787 --> 00:12:26,786 Oh, well, let me transfer you. [slurping] 247 00:12:26,787 --> 00:12:29,786 [spacey music] 248 00:12:33,695 --> 00:12:37,031 [military march] 249 00:12:41,581 --> 00:12:45,580 Sorry, bloke. Gonna have to see your invitation to the wedding. 250 00:12:45,581 --> 00:12:50,580 - That's not the information I have. - No invitation, no entry. 251 00:12:50,581 --> 00:12:55,580 You're in luck, my good man, as I have two... right here! 252 00:12:55,581 --> 00:12:57,581 Ugh! Oh! 253 00:13:02,181 --> 00:13:04,581 Good evening, lords and ladies. Time for Versus. 254 00:13:06,763 --> 00:13:08,413 _ 255 00:13:08,581 --> 00:13:10,581 [laughs] 256 00:13:10,582 --> 00:13:11,582 _ 257 00:13:11,581 --> 00:13:14,580 [stomping and bagpipe music] 258 00:13:14,581 --> 00:13:16,580 [attendees gasping] 259 00:13:16,581 --> 00:13:21,566 [cries of alarm] How's it hanging, lads, eh? [laughs] 260 00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:24,440 _ 261 00:13:24,441 --> 00:13:28,440 [screaming] Hey, come here, you lovely bit of crumpet. 262 00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:34,440 - No, no, no! - Well, well, that's no way to treat a lady. 263 00:13:34,441 --> 00:13:40,440 Fiddler... play something rumbumtious. 264 00:13:40,441 --> 00:13:43,440 [upbeat music] 265 00:13:47,441 --> 00:13:52,440 You mangy cur! Keep your filthy mitts off the Chablis. 266 00:13:52,441 --> 00:13:57,440 Cyclops, you need an invitation to attend this event. 267 00:13:57,441 --> 00:14:00,440 Well, that's not the information I have. 268 00:14:00,441 --> 00:14:03,440 Fonus-balonus, you're a rum-fuddled lushy! 269 00:14:03,441 --> 00:14:05,440 I'll warn you one time and one time alone. 270 00:14:05,441 --> 00:14:08,440 [mimicks] Calm down and dismiss yourself from the premises 271 00:14:08,441 --> 00:14:10,440 or I will be forced to do battle with you. 272 00:14:10,441 --> 00:14:14,440 I'm not going nowhere. 273 00:14:14,441 --> 00:14:16,440 [crash] [woman screams] 274 00:14:16,441 --> 00:14:19,440 Very well, knave, rascal, stiff-rumped swizzler. 275 00:14:19,441 --> 00:14:23,440 Your choice. A battle of brawn or wit? 276 00:14:23,441 --> 00:14:27,440 - Uh... - Wit it is. Here it goes. 277 00:14:27,441 --> 00:14:30,440 What is it that goes up and down the stairs 278 00:14:30,441 --> 00:14:34,440 without moving at all? 279 00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:39,440 - What is it that goes up and down... - It is a carpet. Ha! 280 00:14:39,441 --> 00:14:42,563 Ahhh! Ow! 281 00:14:43,441 --> 00:14:48,440 Tally-ho! [national anthem] 282 00:14:48,441 --> 00:14:52,440 [screams] [laughing] 283 00:14:52,441 --> 00:14:54,440 Back flip! 284 00:14:54,441 --> 00:14:58,440 [Cyclops] Brain head spear! Brain head spear! 285 00:14:58,441 --> 00:15:02,440 Brain head spear... 286 00:15:02,441 --> 00:15:04,440 - Oh! - Be at ease, Madam. 287 00:15:04,441 --> 00:15:11,440 - You're in capable hands now. - Oh, indeed. [smooching] 288 00:15:11,441 --> 00:15:13,440 [cheering] 289 00:15:13,441 --> 00:15:18,440 - Winner. - Me... always me. 290 00:15:18,441 --> 00:15:21,440 - So we should get more pens then? - Yeah. [both slurping] 291 00:15:21,441 --> 00:15:23,440 Looks like we're almost out of black. 292 00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:26,440 I think somebody... [slurping] has been stealing pens out of here. 293 00:15:26,441 --> 00:15:29,440 That's crazy. [slurping] You gonna steal office supplies, 294 00:15:29,441 --> 00:15:33,440 - man, you steal something pricey. - Yeah, like toner. [slurping] 295 00:15:33,441 --> 00:15:35,521 The price of toner is, like, 50 times more than gold. 296 00:15:35,546 --> 00:15:37,440 That much toner, [slurping] 297 00:15:37,441 --> 00:15:39,440 I could get me balls deep in a Countach, man. 298 00:15:39,441 --> 00:15:41,440 You know what I'd do? [slurping] 299 00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:45,440 I'd go out to a really elegant dinner with a nice girl, 300 00:15:45,441 --> 00:15:47,440 you know, that I can connect with emotionally 301 00:15:47,441 --> 00:15:50,189 on a deep, personal level. [slurping] 302 00:15:50,241 --> 00:15:54,440 - So what else do we need? - More toner. We're bone dry in here, man. 303 00:15:54,441 --> 00:15:56,440 [slurping] Got it. 304 00:15:56,441 --> 00:15:59,440 [pounding music] 305 00:16:00,441 --> 00:16:03,440 [stadium organ music] 306 00:16:08,441 --> 00:16:10,441 Ahhhh! 307 00:16:10,442 --> 00:16:12,440 _ 308 00:16:12,441 --> 00:16:14,440 [Hitman] I think it still counts. 309 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:17,440 Hey, Tom, thanks for coming in to speak to me. 310 00:16:17,441 --> 00:16:20,440 Uh. First of all, I just want to tell you your work 311 00:16:20,441 --> 00:16:23,440 at the firm has been top-notch. Just dynamite stuff. 312 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:25,440 Um, you know, there's one little thing, 313 00:16:25,441 --> 00:16:28,440 and it's stupid, but I just have to ask. 314 00:16:28,441 --> 00:16:30,440 Are you, by any chance, 315 00:16:30,441 --> 00:16:33,440 a human shell filled with thousands of spiders? 316 00:16:33,441 --> 00:16:35,441 Now, I don't want this to feel like an attack, Tom. 317 00:16:35,466 --> 00:16:38,440 We have been very happy with your work. 318 00:16:38,441 --> 00:16:40,481 I just want to make sure that we're on the same page 319 00:16:40,506 --> 00:16:42,440 about whether you're a man 320 00:16:42,441 --> 00:16:46,440 or a six-foot-tall skin sack being puppeteered 321 00:16:46,441 --> 00:16:50,440 by thousands of, I don't know, black widow spiders. 322 00:16:50,441 --> 00:16:52,440 And I only ask because there's been 323 00:16:52,441 --> 00:16:54,440 a little bit of chitchat around the water cooler... 324 00:16:54,441 --> 00:16:57,440 you know how people love to gossip. 325 00:16:57,441 --> 00:17:00,440 But I just figured I would touch base with you directly. 326 00:17:00,441 --> 00:17:03,141 You know, straight to the source. So let me read you 327 00:17:03,142 --> 00:17:05,440 a couple of notes I've gotten from around the office 328 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:08,440 and you can let me know how I should respond to them. 329 00:17:08,441 --> 00:17:10,441 This is from Janine. 330 00:17:10,442 --> 00:17:14,632 _ 331 00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:18,440 "How could you have hired this monstrosity?" 332 00:17:18,441 --> 00:17:21,440 Um, then here's one from Pete. "His voice sounds like 333 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,440 "a thousand tiny screams echoing in hell. 334 00:17:23,441 --> 00:17:25,722 "I don't know how these spiders taught themselves to talk, 335 00:17:25,747 --> 00:17:28,440 but every day at work is a living nightmare." 336 00:17:28,441 --> 00:17:32,440 And here's one that just says, "He am not spider. He man." 337 00:17:32,441 --> 00:17:34,440 And the note says it was written by spiders. 338 00:17:34,441 --> 00:17:35,440 Oh, wait, but below that "spiders" is crossed out 339 00:17:35,441 --> 00:17:37,440 and it says, "Not Spiders." 340 00:17:37,441 --> 00:17:39,440 So, obviously some conflicting opinions here. 341 00:17:39,441 --> 00:17:41,940 I just wanted to check in with you so we could put 342 00:17:41,941 --> 00:17:44,440 all these silly rumors to rest once and for all. 343 00:17:44,441 --> 00:17:46,440 [distorted voice] The day of reckoning approaches, 344 00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:49,440 when the streets will run with blood. 345 00:17:49,441 --> 00:17:53,440 When my brothers and sisters will rise 346 00:17:53,441 --> 00:17:57,440 and cities will crumble into heaps of ash. 347 00:17:57,441 --> 00:17:59,440 A harvest will be reaped 348 00:17:59,441 --> 00:18:02,440 and all will fall before the Spider Queen. 349 00:18:02,441 --> 00:18:05,440 All hail the Spider Queen. 350 00:18:05,741 --> 00:18:07,440 Oh, sounds good. 351 00:18:07,441 --> 00:18:09,440 You coming to the company picnic on Saturday? 352 00:18:09,441 --> 00:18:11,779 There's gonna be a raffle! [ringing] 353 00:18:12,441 --> 00:18:13,440 [Steve on machine] You've reached Triptank. 354 00:18:13,441 --> 00:18:15,440 We're not available to answer the phone right now, 355 00:18:15,441 --> 00:18:17,440 so please leave a message. [beep] 356 00:18:17,441 --> 00:18:19,440 [Caller] Triptank! Oh, my God! 357 00:18:19,441 --> 00:18:22,440 The animals! There's so many on your show! 358 00:18:22,441 --> 00:18:23,561 They're coming out of my TV! 359 00:18:23,586 --> 00:18:27,440 Oh, no! They're everywhere! 360 00:18:27,441 --> 00:18:30,440 I just can't eat them fast enough! [guys laughing] 361 00:18:30,441 --> 00:18:33,440 Oh, God, Christ! 362 00:18:33,441 --> 00:18:36,440 [Steve] Ow, you son of a bitch. You're going too hard. 363 00:18:36,441 --> 00:18:39,415 [upbeat music] 364 00:18:49,638 --> 00:18:51,637 - Hi. - Oh, hey. 365 00:18:51,638 --> 00:18:55,637 You wanna see my pecker? 366 00:18:55,638 --> 00:18:57,637 Is that your beak? 367 00:18:57,638 --> 00:18:59,537 - You wanna see my pecker? - Is that your beak? 368 00:18:59,638 --> 00:19:01,878 - You wanna see my pecker? - You talking about your beak? 369 00:19:01,903 --> 00:19:03,637 You wanna see it? You wanna see my pecker? 370 00:19:03,638 --> 00:19:04,637 [sighs] Yeah, sure. 371 00:19:04,638 --> 00:19:06,637 - There it is! - Oh, oh, God! 372 00:19:06,638 --> 00:19:08,637 - You wanna see it again? - No, go away! 373 00:19:08,638 --> 00:19:10,637 - You wanna see my pecker again? - Shoo, leave! 374 00:19:10,638 --> 00:19:12,637 You wanna see my pecker? 375 00:19:12,638 --> 00:19:14,637 No, I never want to see your pecker again! 376 00:19:14,638 --> 00:19:17,637 - Oh, come on, it'll take you home. - W-What? 377 00:19:17,638 --> 00:19:19,958 It'll take you back to your world if you look at my pecker. 378 00:19:19,983 --> 00:19:21,637 What do you mean, "my world"? 379 00:19:21,638 --> 00:19:25,637 - [roars] Whoa, what is that? - It's a uni-shark. 380 00:19:25,638 --> 00:19:27,637 - That's not possible! - It is in this world. 381 00:19:27,638 --> 00:19:30,637 - Hey, you wanna see my pecker? - Yes! 382 00:19:30,638 --> 00:19:32,637 - You wanna see my pecker? - Yes! 383 00:19:32,638 --> 00:19:34,637 - You sure? - Please, God, yes! 384 00:19:34,638 --> 00:19:35,718 - Here it is. - Where is it? 385 00:19:35,743 --> 00:19:37,637 It's my beak. [laughs] 386 00:19:37,638 --> 00:19:41,637 [roars] Oh, God! Please, show me your dick! 387 00:19:41,638 --> 00:19:43,637 That's nasty. You're a pervert. 388 00:19:43,638 --> 00:19:46,637 - You started all this! - So you wanna see my pecker? 389 00:19:46,638 --> 00:19:49,637 - Yes, please. - Here it is! 390 00:19:49,638 --> 00:19:51,637 Oh, oh, wha... 391 00:19:51,638 --> 00:19:53,637 - You wanna see my pecker again? - No! 392 00:19:53,638 --> 00:19:55,637 - You wanna see my pecker? - No! 393 00:19:55,638 --> 00:19:57,637 Aw, come on, it'll keep your head from exploding. 394 00:19:57,638 --> 00:20:01,152 - Are... Are you serious? - You wanna see my pecker? 395 00:20:01,153 --> 00:20:04,546 Oh, too late. [laughs] 396 00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:09,637 [both slurping] 397 00:20:10,638 --> 00:20:12,637 What the [bleep] are you guys doing? 398 00:20:12,638 --> 00:20:14,637 We're trying to maintain peak hydration. 399 00:20:14,638 --> 00:20:16,637 Staying hydrated is super important, Ashley. 400 00:20:16,638 --> 00:20:19,637 - I want peak hydration. - Here, give it a try. 401 00:20:19,638 --> 00:20:20,637 [slurping] 402 00:20:20,638 --> 00:20:22,637 - You're doin' it. - Oh, yeah, this is great. 403 00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:23,758 Suck on Roy's W.A.N.G., too. 404 00:20:23,783 --> 00:20:25,637 - Yes! - Get it! 405 00:20:25,638 --> 00:20:27,638 - You're really hydrating. - Both at the same time. 406 00:20:27,663 --> 00:20:28,637 Oh, hell yeah. 407 00:20:28,638 --> 00:20:30,638 Now you suck on mine while I suck on Roy's W.A.N.G. 408 00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:33,637 Okay. [all slurping] 409 00:20:33,638 --> 00:20:36,637 - This ain't working. - I'll do yours. Steve, you watch. 410 00:20:36,638 --> 00:20:37,637 - Yeah. - Nice. 411 00:20:37,638 --> 00:20:39,637 Steve, suck your own W.A.N.G. 412 00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,637 I'm on it. [slurping] 413 00:20:41,638 --> 00:20:43,637 Hell, yeah! Peak hydration! 414 00:20:43,638 --> 00:20:45,637 - I'm about to peak, too. - Go for it, man! 415 00:20:45,638 --> 00:20:47,637 Suck it hard, Steve! 416 00:20:47,638 --> 00:20:52,637 Oh, here we go! Ho, ho! 417 00:20:52,638 --> 00:20:58,528 - Oh, Roy, we did it, buddy. - That... was... wonderful. 418 00:20:58,638 --> 00:21:01,517 Oh, shit, I just pissed all over the floor. 419 00:21:01,518 --> 00:21:03,421 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 420 00:21:03,456 --> 00:21:06,318 - This seems way too expensive. - That's the bill, sir. 421 00:21:06,353 --> 00:21:08,863 Oh, I get it. Good one, guys. 422 00:21:08,864 --> 00:21:10,863 Where are you? I get the joke. 423 00:21:10,864 --> 00:21:15,863 - A way too expensive hospital bill. - Are you gonna pay that or what? 424 00:21:15,864 --> 00:21:19,112 [sighs] Suck it, me. 425 00:21:19,162 --> 00:21:23,712 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 33235

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.