Original subtitles

Back in the '80s,

my family had plenty of missteps when it came to love.

But for one magic moment,

it seemed like the gods of love were smiling on all of us.

I was with Brea, Barry had Ren,

and Erica and Geoff were as strong as ever.

Even my dad's friend Bill Lewis had found someone.

My angel, Dolores, I promise to cherish you,

and to listen to you recount your dreams

no matter how dumb they are,

and to smile when I eat what you call a taco salad.

Why would you toss a pear in there?

This is a courthouse.

We don't have time for vows.

- Is your witness here? - Mur-man, you're up.

And I gotta tell you, I'm ready,

except I'm not putting my hand on a Bible.

I just need your signature.

Stop! Nobody sign a damn thing!

Oh, no. She found us. How?

This morning Murray says he's going out for a walk,

and naturally I assumed he's terminally ill

or having an affair, so I followed him.

A walk, Murray?

That's a lie as lazy as the man who told it.

And how dare the two of you try to sneak off and elope?!

I'm sorry. Is this any of your business?

Silly Dolores.

Bill is my husband's best friend,

which makes him my best friend,

which makes this all about me.

That does not track.

Which is why we didn't tell you about it.

We knew you'd want to take over the wedding

and do something crazy.

All I wanted to do

was throw them a grand wedding for the ages.

I just need six months

and a quarter of a million dollars.

We leave for Tahiti on Sunday.

Challenge accepted. The wedding is tomorrow!

Please, Bill, just say "I do" and sign the paper.

Then she can't touch us.

Dolores, your wedding day

is the most important day of your life.

Murray and I will never forget ours.

- Yeah, it was the dead of winter. - July 3rd.

- There was a chill in the air. - The cake melted.

Memories. The slide show of my mind.

You could have what we have.

Ooh, and we'll have it in the backyard.

But nobody uses the john in the house

'cause we got bushes.

That's both a kind and wildly ungenerous offer.

But no one can plan an entire wedding in a day.

Watch me.

Whee!

That was my birth certificate.

Life-changing news, everyone.

We're going on safari!

And I'm gonna walk across some rocks on a river

only to realize they're hippos.

I have no information,

but I'm positive that's all wrong.

In the next 24 hours,

you all are gonna help me plan a wedding.

- Yay! - Zero chance.

- No, thanks. - In Africa?

You have no choice!

And it's gonna be a ridiculous, over-the-top-affair.

This is gonna be a disaster, so I'm bringing Ren.

She's a foxy wildcard

that'll lighten up this snooze-fest.

If he's bringing Ren, then I'm bringing Brea.

No guests. They cost money.

But it's a wedding,

- and I'm obviously bringing Geoff. - Who?

This isn't because your father doesn't know my name.

It's just weddings get me going.

You know, the bride in the dress of her dreams,

the promise of forever,

the dad in the wheelchair who's standing up

just for that last little walk down the aisle.

This is who you want to bring? Really?

Everyone's invited, Murray.

Even hysterical Geoff.

Who's getting married, again?

Your dad's friend Bill and some rando.

Oh, it's gonna be so much fun!

Ooh, it's like we're all getting married.

Don't forget me!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting clearer every day ♪

It was November 4th, 1980-something,

and my mom was attempting to do the impossible...

plan an entire wedding with less than 24-hours notice.

We got here as soon as we could.

What happened to Murray?

Did he take a header down the stairs

because his feet are so swollen?

Are his injuries consistent with blunt-force trauma

and you have a rock-solid alibi,

but we know in our hearts it was you?

Close.

He's barely helping me throw a wedding by tomorrow.

Dang it, Beverly!

I had a tennis lesson with Lars. Lars!

Good. Channel that weird, middle-aged energy into this.

Ginzy, I need enough flowers for a presidential funeral.

Linda, I need you to cater a meal

for a hundred picky eaters.

Essie...

prove yourself useful.

I once went to a wedding that had a really fun psychic.

Oh, she was a hoot.

Did she predict how useless you'd be in this moment?

Yoo-hoo!

Of course, my mom didn't account

for her rival yenta,

who could smell a wedding being planned

from a mile away.

Jane Bales.

To what do I owe this displeasure?

I just popped over

because I heard you were planning a wedding.

Based on the interior of your home,

I wanted to stop you.

You will plan this wedding over my dead body.

I introduced Bill and Dolores.

I don't want you screwing this up.

Please. I am the best party planner

in Montgomery County, Southern New Jersey,

and the entire Eastern seaboard south of Delaware.

Well, that's impossible because I am.

And the rest of the U.S. and Puerto Rico and Guam.

I once threw myself a baby shower

while I was giving birth.

I threw a quinceañera for a 50-year-old white guy.

It was super weird, but it was his day.

I once threw a Cinco de Mayo party

on Ocho de Octubre.

I threw a surprise party for myself,

and I had no idea.

Thanks, but no, thanks. I have it covered.

Really? What have you done so far?

Just this.

Well, it's been three minutes. Why don't I see results?

Because you ask too much of us?

Err! Wrong answer, Ginzy!

Now move your puckered poopers outta here

and come back with a wedding!

Well, at least you're working on your best-man speech.

No, I'm writing a very angry letter

to the moron who almost parked in front of our driveway.

Dammit, Murray! You only have two responsibilities!

- Our kids? - We have three kids.

I'm talking about the wedding.

You have to write your best-man speech

and get chairs.

- Got it. Chicken fingers. - Murray!

Let me give you a little piece of advice...

If you want something done right,

you do it yourself.

While my dad dodged his wedding duties,

we got hit with a long list of chores.

I can't believe Mom would actually ask us

to do manual labor.

What even is this thing?

My God, you know nothing. It's called a yard fork.

Now it's a Kenpo thrusting lance!

Hello, rambunctious children.

I am here for the wedding.

Am I in the right place?

Sweet "Witches of Eastwick"! It's Karen English,

one of Philadelphia's more popular radio occultists.

You might recognize this side of my face

from various vandalized bench ads.

Tell us, enchantress,

what greatness is in store for me?

The spirits are telling me... meh.

- Huh? - Ooh, but I am registering

a negative romantic complication.

There is a couple here who will not last the night.

Someone's getting murdered?

No.

But there is a romantic relationship in peril.

Well, it's not mine.

My boyfriend is so loving and devoted,

even though he just recently chose to move out.

I see.

And Brea and I are solid as a rock...

if half the rock was super attractive

and the other half was wildly insecure.

- Hmm. - Ha-ha!

Karen English thinks your love is garbage.

Well, what about you

and your unlikely partnership with Ren?

I agree. Ren is a ten.

But, as you all can see, I'm an eleven.

Together, we are blackjack.

All I know is that someone is doomed here tonight.

A reckoning is coming.

I am never wrong.

Is there a trick with this?

- Yeah, just jiggle the thingy. - I am jiggling it.

- Jiggle it harder. - Yeah, you gotta give the thing...

- ...a good jiggle. - I'm jiggling the thingy!

Yeah, just a little...

- I got it. - Oh.

I'm never wrong.

I'm never wrong.

As Karen English had us worried about a break-up,

my mom was trying to keep the wedding from falling apart.

What the hell is this?

An elegant centerpiece of tulips and begonias.

You expect someone to look at this

and feel anything but sick?

Maybe whimsy?

Beverly, I do think

you're pushing us a little hard here.

I already made 350 cucumber sandwiches.

I think that's enough.

Yeah, and I agreed to iron napkins,

not whatever these are.

Those are Murray's formal intimates,

and you will put that iron wherever I tell you to.

Now, getting rid of all this.

We're gonna start over.

I am done.

Good! 'Cause despite your mediocre efforts,

you've really set me back.

I'm right behind you, Linda.

I can't believe I wasted my morning

creasing your husband's butt rags.

And I said some hateful words in the bathroom to myself,

so I need to go apologize to my children.

Well, good riddance!

I'll just draw a frown on a sack of flour

to replace you!

Oh.

Too bad your friends are gone

'cause I got one for the win column.

I got us chairs.

Oh, I knew you'd come through.

Daddy does it again.

So now that I've done my part,

I'm gonna go to my natural surroundings of the den.

Uh, wait, Murray.

- Yeah? - What am I looking at?

That's one of one hundred premium wedding chairs.

- This chair is for a child. - Nah. It's perfect.

Well, if it's so perfect, why don't you sit down.

Because I prefer to stand.

I like being on the balls of my feet, ready to pounce.

Sit!

All right. There you go.

Well, that's, uh... that's quite comfortable.

I like being so close to my knees.

You can sit that way through the whole ceremony?

I'm in a great deal of pain.

Dammit, Murray, you failed me, like everyone else!

What am I supposed to do now?!

I'm gonna tell you what I tell our kids.

There's nothing wrong with quitting.

I'll take care of the chairs.

You just go and finish writing your best-man speech.

Hey, don't worry. I'm gonna wing it.

My mom's party crew was crumbling.

She knew there was only one yenta

who could help her get this wedding back on track.

I...

Failed miserably

and inevitably had to come to me for help?

- It's just... - You couldn't pull off

a one-day wedding by yourself

and you needed me all along?

- That's... - True.

And admitting your mistake is the first step

in the lengthy apology you owe me.

Well, save it.

We have a wedding to throw.

Come on.

As my mom and Jane Bales joined forces,

the strength of our bonds was about to be tested.

Hey, guys. You ready?

Almost. Let me just touch up my lipstick.

Because I smooched it off.

I'll never get used to it.

Geoff, you got some extremely personal mail

that I obviously opened.

Congrats.

You got into the study-abroad program in Spain.

- Oh, my God, really?! - Yeah.

The Spanish are awesome.

They eat dinner at midnight, fight bulls for fun,

and even their babies kiss hello.

Wait, you're just gonna jet off

to a faraway land of fancy ham and flamenco dancing?

Oh, I-I mean, it's totally not gonna happen.

It was just a lark.

A lark that totally panned out in the most amazing way,

but it's not happening.

Geoff, look at me.

You have to go.

Wait. You really want me to go?

It's Spain!

Or, as they call it, España.

Es-pa-ña! Huh?

Are we starting a chant or what?

I don't think so.

Madrid, Barcelona, Ibiza.

You know your places. Nice.

I'm gonna start the car.

But you can't drive to Spain!

It's across a whole ocean!

- Damn it. - Holy crap.

That mind witch was right.

You and Geoff are dunzo.

You don't know what you're talking about.

It's someone else.

Brea can't come to the wedding.

She's going to her grandma's 70th in Hartford.

Should I be worried?

Hot dog, yes! Very worried.

I thought you were gonna gently reassure me I was being crazy.

Do you know anything about senior birthdays in Connecticut?

Super sexy.

That's why it's called the Romance State.

I think it's the Nutmeg State.

You're thinking, but I'm knowing.

Once you cross state lines, anything goes.

But they're just going to the Holiday Inn.

- Ouch. - They have pools.

- Pools have boys. - Boys meet Brea.

- Brea go bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

Oh, God! There is a pool!

And a free New York Times every morning!

That's what I'm saying.

They really know how to set a table for love.

Are we good to go?

We are. Them? Not so much.

My mom had gotten exactly what she needed

to pull off a one-day wedding...

another Beverly Goldberg.

Get me up to speed. Where are we on food?

- Unfinished. - Chairs?

- Tiny. - Guest list?

A real who's-who of nobodies.

I've worked with less.

Yeah, but we still need music, a cake,

an officiant, a videographer,

and a huge team of hair and makeup for us...

and possibly Dolores if there's time.

So a whole wedding?

Done.

Your daughter's musical, right?

Oh, don't bother.

My children have already refused to help me.

That's adorable.

You! You're in a dumb singing group, right?

Yeah, but I'm not in the mood...

I don't care. You're booked.

I'm only saying yes because I'm afraid.

Not afraid enough.

Scoot. Go. Knees high!

Holy crap!

You were hateful to my child!

And it was beautiful to watch.

Hey, hey, hey. Look at me.

You can be this horrible, too.

While I am an ordained deacon,

uh, I'd like to sit down with the bride and groom

and really get to know them.

He's as bald as a misshapen egg,

and she doesn't seem to mind.

You're all caught up.

Your angry eyes make me feel like I know them enough.

Oh, no!

A fit, middle-aged lady on my bed.

I saw this movie with Barry.

Flattered but spoken for.

Get your head out of the gutter, camera dork.

I prefer film aficionado.

You are gonna point your Kodak

and chronicle the nuptials of Bill and Dolores.

I barely know who those people are,

and I'm kind of at a crossroads in my own relationship.

Everything you're saying is ridiculous

because you're a child.

And what is this room?

Ginzy, I wasn't very nice earlier,

so this will come as no shock.

But I'm gonna need you to bring me

all your white roses,

you tremendous piece of [bleep].

You know, words like that are why we canceled HBO!

I'll have them here by 1:45.

Hello, I need service!

I'm next forever, so why don't you

and your corned beefcovered friends

start making me some finger sandwiches

and a six-tiered wedding cake.

- We only do meats. - And now cakes.

And I need you to take in the seams of all these pants.

Okay.

Yep, my mom and Jane were a dream team,

but I was in a relationship nightmare.

Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Dammit! Answering machine!

Dude, you're doomed.

Leaving a message won't get your lady back.

Brea! It's Adam Goldberg of Adam and Brea.

It's already bad.

I know you're headed off to sexy Hartford,

but I could use a pep talk on where we stand.

I mean, you could do whatever you want,

but please don't do whatever you want.

For the love of God, stay out of that hotel pool!

You're tanking it, bro.

Just hang up while you're behind.

Anyhoo, safe travels, and please don't leave me.

Oh, here comes my anxiety gas.

Have I hung up yet?

I think I nailed it.

You did not, but you can fix it.

Just leave a few more messages

in the same tone of clumsy desperation.

- You're not a good person. - I know.

Yeah, Barry had me worked up about my relationship,

but I wasn't the only one trying to work things out.

Hey, whatcha doin'?

Hiding from Jane Bales.

She's a scary lady.

I know. She made me the flower girl.

I didn't even say yes, but here's my basket of petals.

Look, about the whole study-abroad thing...

it kind of seemed like you were super pumped

- for me to go. - So pumped!

You'd be okay with me leaving you, then?

I guess that's what I'm saying.

Oh. Okay, then.

I guess I should really consider it.

- Please don't! - I am so confused.

I know. I'm sorry.

Of course I don't want you to go.

But we just had this whole thing

about how everything's on my terms,

and this was my chance to finally support what you want.

But I can never leave you.

But it's España.

You can eat paella and watch children smoke.

Everything I want is right here.

Now you're laying it on a little thick.

Just shut up and kiss the flower girl.

Balls!

You guys are okay?!

Now it's definitely me.

As the psychic's prediction became clear,

my mom and Jane Bales had pulled off the impossible.

In one day, they turned our backyard

into a picture-perfect wedding venue.

Hey, have you seen my, uh, tie with the stain

that looks like a stripe?

I've got it right here.

Oh!

And you also got big-boy chairs.

How 'bout that. I pushed you to do better.

Now maybe you can take care of something

like your best-man duties?

I think it's a little too late for a bachelor party,

- but I'll talk to Vic. - No. Is your speech ready?

- Well, yes. - Where is it?

Bingy, bingy.

- So you didn't write it. - No, I did not.

Beverly, big problem.

Bill has locked himself in the bathroom.

He says he doesn't want to go through with it!

Nobody panic. It's just cold feet.

Murray will talk him down.

Thank you, Murray!

What am I supposed to do?

Maybe care about this wedding for a freakin' second!

I did at City Hall.

But then you took over everything

and turned it into a circus.

Circus?

Do you understand why I'm doing this?

No, I don't.

Murray, you know, a wedding is not just about

the two people getting married.

It's a celebration of what it means to be married...

two people starting their lives together,

starting a family.

Huh. I never thought of that.

Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that you didn't.

I can't believe Brea's going to the Holiday Inn in Hartford.

I know.

It's like she's going to the Playboy Mansion,

if the Playboy Mansion

was in the insurance capital of the world.

Hey, Adam.

Brea? You're here? Why?

Because I can't imagine being away from you

for even a day.

Psh! Girl, I wasn't scared.

Which is a complete lie.

Thank God you're here.

Aww...

Oh, no.

If Geoff and Erica are good and you and Brea are, too,

then that can mean only one thing!

Hey, I was looking for you.

Hopefully not to break up with me.

- What? - We're good, right?

Oh, um... yeah...

"Oh, um"?

Barry, we need to talk.

The wedding my mom planned for Bill was in serious trouble

'cause there was no Bill.

Bill, when you agreed to get married,

you gave up your right to ever make a decision again.

Bill... Bill stepped out!

Bill...

Um, I'm gonna knock down this door,

choke you out,

and drag your lifeless body downstairs...

and move your face like a puppet

so you say, "I do!"

You're gonna "Weekend at Bernie's" me?

No, thank you!

L-L-Let me give this a try.

Hey, Bill.

I thought you were crazy about this lady.

Like beans love weenies.

That's also our nicknames for each other.

I'm beans.

Well, then, what's the problem?

I've been burned by the marriage game once.

Do you know I spent the last six years

sleeping on an empty waterbed?

That sounds terribly uncomfortable.

I just haven't had anyone to fill it for, you know?

Now you got Dolores to fill it for you.

What if she leaves me, too?

I can't go through it again.

You know, I was gonna save this for my wedding speech,

but what the hell.

Marriage... is not a sure thing.

That's a rough start.

Look, if you find the right woman, like I did,

it's the easiest choice in the world.

I knew I loved Bevy soon as I met her.

Over the last 28 years,

she's really taught me what love is.

If you find a woman

who makes you half as happy as Bevy makes me,

you're set for life.

I want what you have.

That's a good thing

'cause it's waiting right outside.

You really are my best man.

Do you really mean those nice things you said?

Nah.

Shut up and get in here.

All right.

While my dad put the wedding back on track,

Barry was trying to keep his relationship with Ren

from going off the rails.

Look...

Barry, I-I think you're great.

But...

I saw my old boyfriend,

and I think I still have feelings for him.

You sure?

We kissed.

So... that's it?

You're just gonna get back together with him?

I'm so sorry.

Me too.

In that moment,

Barry didn't need a psychic

to tell him how much it was gonna hurt,

but luckily, he had a few shoulders to lean on.

- You okay? - Not really.

Stupid psychic.

Bar, no one actually knows the future.

But what I can tell you

is we're gonna get through this.

Together.

I guess family can't break up with you.

Wouldn't even think of it.

You're stuck with us forever.

It was true.

In good times and in bad, family is there forever...

both the family we're born into

and the family that we choose.

♪ Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time ♪

♪ Bum-bum, bum ♪

♪ Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you ♪

♪ Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum-bum ♪

And by the power vested in me

by two very terrifying ladies,

I pronounce you man and wife.

That day,

Bill and Dolores chose their new family,

and with it, a new future... one they'd make together.

It's so beautiful!

- You did great... but you always do. - ♪ Maybe I'm amazed at the way ♪

♪ I really need you ♪

♪ Maybe I'm a man ♪

- ♪ Maybe I'm a lonely man ♪ - That's what's incredible about weddings.

They're just a day.

But they're the beginning of an entire new lifetime.

Because when you think about it,

life is full of new beginnings...

marriage, children, even break-ups.

And although we can't predict what tomorrow holds,

as long as we're there

with the people we love in the present,

the future is bound to be amazing.

Hey, Brea. It's Adam again.

I'm so glad you came to the wedding

instead of going to Hartford.

I'm sure you would've looked great at the hotel, too.

I hear there's a nice pool there,

so I assume you'd be enjoying the freedom of a swimsuit.

My mom always says

a one-piece is the safest choice for modesty.

I'm in no way suggesting

you should have a swimsuit like my mom's.

In her defense, she pulls it off.

She's pretty fit.

Power walks, plays tennis, eats cottage cheese.

You could do a lot worse than having a body like my mom's.

Let's just say

if you were her age and had her body,

you would hear no complaints from me.

How'd I do?

Honestly, I am feeling better about my break-up.