Original subtitles

BOY: Of course we will. It's the good old river, isn't it?

GIRL: I really want to see some ducklings. They're so sweet.

BOY: Look! Look! There's a coot.

GIRL: I think you'll find that's a mallard.

Mallards always have a green neck and yellow beaks.

BOY: Only the drakes, cleverpants.

Lady ducks don't have green necks. They're girls.

GIRL: What a horrible thing to say. Girls are nice.

BOY: Girls? Rubbish!

WOMAN: Edward!

[Whistle blows]

BOY: Look, look! More ducks! I told you so.

GIRL: They're searching for food, poor things.

BOY: Look, a kingfisher!

GIRL: What about the poor ducks?

Emma, you're always bothering about the animals.

Don't their houses get washed away when the boats go past?

BOY: Don't be silly, Emma.

The water goes right in their front door.

How do you know?

Well, as a matter of fact, we both know.

Don't we, Alexandra?

TOGETHER: The mole had been working very hard.

It's all to do with the river.

And a certain Mole and Rat and Mr. Badger.

GIRLS: Alexandra! And Mr. Toad.

GIRL: You must imagine what you can't see.

And that there are voices to hear, for any that speak.

That's right.

You see, darlings, you must listen to the river.

It's just the same as ever it was...

and as it always will be.

Always changing and always the same.

The mole had been working very hard all the morning,

spring... cleaning his little home,

first with brooms, then with dusters,

then on ladders and steps and chairs...

with a pail of whitewash...

till he had dust in his throat and eyes...

and splashes of whitewash all over his black fur.

MOLE: Bother!

NARRATOR: Spring was moving in the air above...

and in the earth below, and around him,

penetrating even his dark and lowly little house...

with its spirit of longing.

It was small wonder, then, that suddenly...

MOLE: Oh! Oh, blow!

Hang spring... cleaning!

Hoo hoo hoo!

Up we go.

Up we go.

Oh!

[Birds singing]

Oh, my.

Hee hee hee hoo!

Aah.

- Halt! - Oh!

Private road.

MOLE: Onion sauce.

Onion sauce.

Clear the way. Ha ha!

- Did you see that? - What a little cheek.

Well, I never!

MOLE: Oh, my.

Oh, my!

RAT: Hello, Mole.

MOLE: Hello, Rat.

RAT: Like to come over?

MOLE: All very well, to talk.

RAT: Step lively.

I've never been in a boat before.

RAT: What? Never been... Ha ha ha!

Oh, my young friend, there is nothing, absolutely nothing...

half so much worth doing as simply messing about in boats.

Messing about in boats.

Messing about...

MOLE: Ooh, look ahead, Rat!

Oh!

Oooh!

RAT: In boats, or with boats. Ha ha ha!

Boats! In or out of them, it doesn't matter.

That's the charm of it.

Whether you get away, or whether you don't.

Or whether you arrive at your destination or somewhere else.

Or whether you never get anywhere at all.

You're always busy, with nothing in particular,

and when you've done it, there's always something else to do.

And you can do it if you like...

RAT: But you'd much better not.

RAT: Shove that under your feet.

A cold chicken, cold tongue, cold ham, cold beef,

pickled gherkin salad, French roll, cress sandwiches,

potted meat, ginger beer, lemonade, soda water.

MOLE: Ha ha! Stop! Too much!

RAT: Only what I always take on these little excursions.

MOLE: So... this is a river.

RAT: The River.

MOLE: And you live by it?

RAT: By it and with it and on it and in it.

It's my world, and I don't want any other.

What it hasn't got is not worth having.

Winter, summer, spring, autumn... Lord, the fun we have together!

MOLE: Just you and the River? No one else?

RAT: No one else. The bank's far too crowded nowadays.

[Bird cawing]

RAT: And everyone's always wanting me to do something.

MOLE: What... what's over there?

RAT: That is the Wild Wood.

We Riverbankers don't go there much.

MOLE: Uh, aren't the people there very nice?

RAT: Oh, squirrels, all right, rabbits, some of them.

And there's dear old Badger, wouldn't live anywhere else...

if you paid him.

There are others, you see.

Weasels, stoats, foxes.

All right in a way, but you can't really trust them.

Oh, oh. And, and, and... beyond the Wild Wood...

Lies the Wide World.

I'm never going there, and nor will you,

if you've got any sense.

Don't ever refer to it again.

MOLE: Oh, my.

MOLE: Oh, ho, my. Oh. My.

RAT: Uh... oh.

[Gasping]

Teaching Portly to swim.

A picnic?

Why didn't you invite me, Ratty?

Greedy beggar.

RAT: Uh, an impromptu affair. By the way, my friend, Mr. Mole.

OTTER: Proud, I'm sure.

Such a rumpus on the River today.

Came here for some quiet, and stumble on you fellows.

Beg pardon, I didn't mean, um...

RAT: Hello?

RAT: Badger! Whew, my dear old fellow.

Do come and, uh...

Hmm! Company.

RAT: Oh, dear.

That's just his way.

We shan't be seeing any more of him today.

Well, then, who's out on the River?

OTTER: The great man, for one.

Hee hee! Mmm. Boat, clothes, everything brand... new.

RAT: Ha! First it was sailing, then it was punting,

then it was houseboating.

Always the same.

Whatever Toad takes up, he soon gets tired of it...

and starts on something fresh.

[Humming]

RAT: Ahoy there! Toad!

Aha! Company!

Hello, you fellows!

Uh! Wha!

No! Wretched oars!

[Laughing]

[Splash]

OTTER: Uh! Oh!

RAT: Ahem. Ah, yes.

Look, old man, perhaps it's time we packed up, too, hmm?

MOLE: About rowing back, Ratty, do you think that I might take...

RAT: My dear fellow, I rather think not.

MOLE: Uh, I think I'd be rather good at it, you know,

being rather a practical fellow, good with my paws.

Uh, very quick on the uptake.

It can't be as difficult as all that.

Learn a thing by doing a thing...

Now, see here. First, you must learn the theory.

MOLE: Oh, hang the beastly theory. I want a go!

RAT: Sit down!

MOLE: Let go! Let go, I say!

RAT: No, no, sit down!

- I'm determined I shall! - I'm determined you shall not!

- Don't be so obstinate. - Don't be such a fool!

Oooh!

MOLE: Oh, Ratty, whatever can I say?

RAT: There's absolutely no need.

MOLE: Oh, but there is. When I think...

RAT: Come, now.

MOLE: Just think how I might have lost...

your beautiful picnic basket.

I'm so sorry.

You've been so good and generous,

and I've been so stupid and ungrateful.

Can you forgive me?

RAT: My dear chap, water under the bridge.

Ha! I say, that's quite funny. Ha ha ha!

Look here.

You'd better stop here with me for a while.

Teach you to row and swim.

Gain, um, experience on the River.

NARRATOR: And, so it was agreed, and straightaway,

that contrite Mole was eager to learn from his wise, new friend,

not only about the perils and dangers of the River

and its weirs and its sudden floods, but also about its joys:

Night fishing with Otter,

excursions far afield with Badger,

these things and so much more.

Until the glowing tiredness of the long day...

finally overcame him, and it was time for him to lay...

his happy head on the pillow,

knowing his other new friend, the River,

was lapping close to his window.

And as summer ripened and he mastered the skills...

and learned the delights of running water,

he caught something of what the wind was whispering...

so constantly in the reeds.

MOLE: Toad must be a very nice animal.

RAT: The best of animals. So simple, so good... natured.

So affectionate.

Not very clever, perhaps,

and it may be that he's both boastful and conceited.

But, uh, he's got some great qualities, has Toady.

He's rather rich, you know.

And his house really is one of the nicest in these parts,

though we never admit it to him.

RAT: Banqueting hall.

MOLE: I wonder what he's taken up instead.

RAT: We'll know soon enough.

RAT: Toady!

TOAD: Aah!

Ratty! Hurray! Splendid!

RAT: Toady, this is my friend, Mole.

Moly, this is the famous Toad.

TOAD: How do you do, Mole?

MOLE: It's a delightful residence.

Oh, how kind of you, absolutely!

Oh, it's the finest house on the whole River.

[Laughing]

Oh, hee hee hee! It's only my way, you know.

Now, look here!

I was just going to send a boat for you, Ratty.

Um, yes, with strict orders to come at once,

no matter what you were doing. Come along!

Oh, you don't know how lucky it is, your turning up just now.

You've got to help me!

RAT: If it's about your rowing...

TOAD: Oh, pooh. Boating! Ha! Sheer waste of time!

Gave that up long ago.

No. I've discovered the real thing,

and I propose to devote the rest of my life to it.

TOAD: There! MOLE: Oh!

TOAD: There's real life for you!

RAT: Ooh...

Oh, the open road! The dusty highway!

The heath, the common, the rolling hills,

villages, towns, cities!

Here today, somewhere else tomorrow!

Travel, change, excitement!

A horizon that's always changing.

And mind, this is the finest of its kind ever built.

All the fittings planned by myself.

MOLE: Come on, Ratty.

TOAD: You see, all complete.

MOLE: Oh, my.

TOAD: Everything you could possibly want.

Nothing whatever has been forgotten, you'll find,

when we make our start this afternoon.

RAT: I beg your pardon.

We? Start?

TOGETHER: This afternoon?

Now, you dear, good, old Ratty. Don't talk in that sniffy way.

You've got to come. I can't manage without you.

You surely don't mean to stick to your fussy old River...

all your life?

I want to show you the world!

Stop, will you? Wait for me!

RAT: I don't care. I'm not going. And that's flat.

And I, too, am going to stick to my old River...

and live in a hole and boat as I've always done.

And what's more, you're going to stick to me and do as I do,

aren't you, Mole?

Well, l...

TOAD: Oh, the joy of the open road!

No cares, no worries.

Live for others. That's my motto in life.

Hey, I say, Ratty, take some refreshment, too.

[Owl hoots]

MOLE: I'll always stick to you, Rat.

What you say is to be has got to be.

[Toad snoring]

[Mimicking Toad] Live for others.

That's my motto in life.

[Laughing]

[Mimicking Toad] Talk about your old River.

This is the real life for...

[Toad snoring]

A gentleman.

RAT: I don't talk about my River. You know I don't.

[Snoring]

RAT: But I think about it.

I think about it all the time.

[Toad snoring]

[Toad mumbling] Just clear everything up,

my good fellows...

MOLE: Ratty, shall we run away tomorrow morning very early...

and go back to our dear old hole on the River?

RAT: No, no. We'll see it out.

He wouldn't be safe left to himself,

but thanks awfully.

[Toad mumbling] Open road...

It won't take long. His fads never do.

Goodnight, Moly.

Goodnight, Ratty.

[Toad snoring]

[Horse neighs]

MOLE: And then you flick the oars, give a flick of the wrist,

and away you skim.

TOAD: And so, of course, my dear Ratty,

I continued by stating my long... held philosophy that...

RAT: Uh, precisely.

And what did you say to her?

TOAD: "Ever onwards and upwards," I said.

[Horn honks]

"Progress," I said. "Ever forwards and faster."

[Horn honks]

TOAD: Onwards...

[Horn honks]

TOAD: And upwards...

and forwards...

and faster!

[Honk honk]

[Crash]

RAT: Villains! Scoundrels! I'll have the law on you!

I'll get you! I will!

[Honking]

Ha... ha.

Poetry in motion.

The only way to travel.

Oh, bliss! Oh!

[Honking]

Ha! Oh, my! Oh, my!

Stop being an ass, Toad.

TOAD: To think I never knew!

All those wasted years! I never even dreamt...

Ooh...

But now, oh! What dust clouds shall spring up behind me...

as I speed on my reckless way.

What carts I shall fling carelessly into the ditch.

Horrid little carts! Common carts!

Canary... colored carts.

MOLE: What are we to do with him?

Nothing...

[Toad honking]

RAT: At all!

MOLE: But he's not safe there. Suppose another...

RAT: Bother, Toad! I've done with him.

Catch me going on any more jaunts with that provoking...

[Toad honking]

RAT: Animal.

[Toad imitating car, putting and honking]

Vroom! Vroom!

RAT: You see? Quite hopeless.

[Ducks quacking]

RAT: How about this, Moly?

It's called Ducks' Ditty.

All along the backwater

Through the rushes tall

Ducks are a... dabbling

Up tails all

Everyone for what he likes

We like to be

Heads down, tails up

Dabbling free

High in the blue above

Swifts whirl and call

We are down a... dabbling

Up tails all

Ha ha ha!

MOLE: I don't think much of that, Rat.

Ha ha ha! Nor do they.

They say, "Why can't we do what we like, when we like,

"and as we like, without having poetry made up about us?"

They say, "What a nonsense it all is!"

MOLE: And so it is, too. Ha!

RAT: No, it isn't!

[Door slams]

NARRATOR: There was always a restlessness...

in the countryside at this time of year.

Ratty himself was feeling restless.

Why all this craving for change?

The swallows spoke, the stirring within them, a sweet unrest.

Of course the day would come when they would be...

homesick again for lush meadows and insect... haunted ponds.

But now they must answer the call of the South.

The South!

They yearned for the passionate touch of the southern sun,

for one waft of the South's authentic odor.

Their blood, they said, was dancing...

to a music he could not understand.

But they were wrong.

He, too, felt uncontrollable longings...

stirring within himself to travel far and wide.

A voyage on a small trading vessel, perhaps.

From Constantinople to the islands of Greece,

and then to the Adriatic Sea, whose shores swam...

in an atmosphere of amber, rose, and aquamarine.

In his mind's eye,

he saw himself in and out of harbor all the time.

Sleeping through the heat of the day in some cool temple,

and then after sundown, feasting under great stars...

set in a velvet sky.

In Venice, it might be, with friends,

with the air full of music, lights flashing and shimmering,

and swaying gondolas.

Then, by different ships,

to Sicily, Sardinia, Corsica, and Alassio,

where the wine casks were dropped overboard,

tied to one another in a long, bobbing line

like a mile of porpoises...

and where he, Ratty, that oarsman without equal,

would be one of the singing boat crew...

that towed them towards the little town...

where the great olive woods began,

as did rest and refreshment with friends in the South.

Hello, Ratty. Been far?

South. Ah... south.

Is everything all right, Ratty?

RAT: Way, hey, blow the man down

Coming on board. Ship... ship...

MOLE: Ratty, where are you off to?

RAT: Why, with the rest of them...

seawards first and then on shipboard...

to the shores that are calling me.

Oh!

MOLE: No!

RAT: Oh! Uhh!

MOLE: No!

MOLE: Come on, old friend.

A phantom song, pealing high...

between vaporous, gray, wave... lapped walls.

I can't explain, Moly.

Sea voices, magic, haunting.

No, l... I can't explain, but I'd have gone after them.

Gone and left you.

[Crying]

MOLE: Nonsense. Leave at this time of the year?

Why? The apples are almost rosy enough to pick.

There's our jams and pickles to make and the nuts to gather.

And remember how you said you loved watching...

the harvest being brought home...

and the haystacks growing higher and higher...

and how you'd take me to see Mr. Badger?

You wouldn't miss the poetry of all that, would you, Ratty?

NARRATOR: There was a poetry, too,

about wintertime when it came,

when the pageant of summer flowers had long shriveled.

Ever since that first brief encounter,

long ago in the spring,

Mole had yearned to meet again that imposing animal...

who lived in the heart of the Wild Wood.

Perhaps now, when Nature kicked off her clothes...

and the woods seemed closer than ever to the Riverbank,

it was time to venture out...

and make the acquaintance of the elusive Badger.

MOLE: Going for a stroll.

Run into Badger, maybe.

Won't be long.

[Snoring]

[Snap]

Uhh!

Oh!

Ha ha ha!

[Squeak]

Oh!

Ah!

Oh. Ha ha!

[Squeak]

What was that?

[Squeak]

Ah!

Ow!

Oh!

Ah! Oh...

[Squeaking]

Oh, my, this is awful!

I must find Badger.

Must find Badger's!

Oh!

[Squeaking]

RABBIT: Get out of this, you fool. Get out!

MOLE: Help me! Help!

Oh!

Ah!

Terrible Wild Wood! Terrible Wild...

Aah!

Ratty!

Ratty!

Ratty!

[Mole faintly calling]

[Snoring]

[Fire popping]

Oh!

[Yawning]

Moly.

Moly?

I say, old chap, what rhymes with...

Moly?

Moly?

Moly? I say.

[Mole faintly calling]

Strange. That sounded like...

My word!

The Wild Wood! Oh, Moly! Moly!

My dear old friend!

Oh, Moly...

Oh, Moly.

Moly!

Moly!

Mole!

Moly, where are you? Mole!

[Squeaking]

That's their game, is it?

Oh.

Poor old Moly.

Moly!

[Echoes]

Oh! Oh!

RAT: Mole!

MOLE: Ratty? Is that really you?

RAT: Moly, where are you?

MOLE: Oh! Oh, Ratty, I...

I've been so frightened, you can't think.

RAT: You really shouldn't have gone and done it, Mole.

I did my best to keep you from it.

If we Riverbankers have to come here, we come in pairs.

We know things you don't yet: Passwords, signs.

Without them, if you're small, you'll find yourself in trouble.

If you were Badger or Otter, it'd be quite another matter.

MOLE: Surely, brave Mr. Toad...

Toad? Wouldn't show his face here alone for a fortune.

Now, we must make a start. Can't spend the night here.

Brrr!

MOLE: I'm dreadfully sorry, Ratty, but I'm dead beat.

If I don't rest awhile and get my strength back, I'll...

RAT: All right. All right. Rest away.

Anyhow, there should be a bit of a moon later...

to help us find our way.

[Yawn]

RAT: Mole, time to be off.

I'll just see if everything's quiet.

Hello.

MOLE: What's up?

RAT: Snow's up, or rather, down.

MOLE: What shall we do?

RAT: Well, we must take our chance, I suppose.

The worst of it is, I don't know where we are.

Everything looks so different.

RAT: Too deep to wade through some of it.

Down there, we might find some shelter and have a rest.

Something may turn up.

[Clink]

Ooh, my poor leg! Oh, my! I must have tripped on a branch.

RAT: Poor old Moly. Not having much luck, are you?

It's a very clean cut.

Wasn't a branch you tripped on.

Sharp edge of something metal, more like.

MOLE: It hurts just the same, whatever done it.

RAT: Whatever did it!

Yes!

MOLE: Oh, come on, Rat.

RAT: Hurray! Hurray!

Hurray, hurray, hurray,

hurray, hurray, hurray, hurray! Guess what!

What?

A door... scraper!

MOLE: Door... scraper? Huh! Why dance jigs about it?

RAT: Don't you see what it means, you dull... witted animal?

Yes. Some very careless person has left it...

where it's sure to trip everybody up.

I should go and complain...

RAT: Stop arguing and help me.

There!

What did I tell you?

MOLE: You told me nothing whatever.

Go on. Dance another jig.

You found another piece of litter.

I hope you're happy.

Can we eat it, sleep under it,

sit on it, and sledge home on it?

You exasperating rodent.

RAT: Doesn't that doormat tell you anything?

Doormats tell one nothing. Doormats know their place.

RAT: Thick... headed beast.

Rat, you're a wonder.

That's what you are, a real wonder.

Argued it out step by step, looked at my shin,

and "door... scraper," your majestic mind told you.

And you found the very door... scraper that done it.

RAT: Did it.

MOLE: Quite. Did it stop there? It did not.

"Let me only find a doormat," says your intellect,

and you found one.

"Now for the door," you said, and there is the door.

Well, you're wasted here among us fellows.

If only I had your head, Ratty.

But as you haven't,

I suppose you're going to sit there and talk all night.

Yes. Oh... oh, oh!

[Grumbling]

Now, the very next time this happens,

I shall be exceedingly angry.

Who is it this time?

Disturbing people on such a night. Speak up!

RAT: Oh, Badger. It's me, Rat, and my friend Mole.

We've lost our way in the snow. Please let us in.

Why, Ratty, me dear little man.

Come along in. You must be perished, both of you.

Well, I never!

Lost in the Wild Wood and in the snow...

and at this time of night.

Ha ha ha.

Ahh.

NARRATOR: Old Mr. Badger, gruff and alarming...

as he appeared on first acquaintance,

was, in fact, the kindliest and most welcoming of animals.

Although he almost never went in search of society,

he was always at home to his friends.

Whatever their needs and for as long as they required to stay,

his visitors could expect not only comfortable lodgings...

but also all the pleasures of a well... loaded table.

All he ever wanted in return...

was the latest news from the Riverbank.

Every week a new motorcar.

Bigger and shinier.

And more expensive.

And more powerful.

With which to terrorize the neighborhood.

And every one ends in disaster.

His coach house is piled to the roof with wrecked machinery.

And he persists in the belief that he's a heaven... born driver.

No respect for the law.

It's disgraceful.

And rich as he is,

if he goes on like this, he'll finish up bankrupt.

Oh, much, much worse.

Oh, my!

RAT: So, Badger, I think his friends ought to rally round...

and make him see sense.

Now, now. Look here.

You know, of course, that I can't do anything now,

but once the year has turned and the nights are shorter...

and one wants to be up and doing by sunrise, you know,

well, then, the three of us will take Toad seriously in hand,

stand no nonsense, bring him back to reason...

by force, if need be.

We'll make him sensible.

Right you are, Badger.

We'll convert the poor, unhappy animal.

He'll be the most converted Toad that ever was...

before we've done with him.

BADGER: I fancy you know something...

about the creatures of the Wild Wood, eh?

MOLE: I do indeed, Mr. Badger.

BADGER: They're not so bad, really.

Live and let live. You'll have no further trouble.

RAT: Come along, Mole.

BADGER: Don't fret, Ratty.

I'll show you my bolt... hole shortcut...

to the edge of the wood.

MOLE: Ratty, hold up! Come back!

RAT: We can't stop now, Mole.

MOLE: Ratty, I want you, quick! It's close by here.

RAT: Whatever it is, we'll come back for it tomorrow.

Come, now. Be a good fellow.

It's getting even worse, and I'm not sure of the way,

and I need your nose.

[Mole sobbing]

Oh, please come back, Ratty.

RAT: Do catch up, Mole.

Now, look here, Mole.

Why, whatever is the matter, old friend?

We really ought to step it up, you know.

MOLE: You don't understand, Ratty.

It's my home.

My own home, it's very close here.

It's only a shabby, dingy little place,

but it were my own little home, and I was fond of it.

Then I went away and left it and...

RAT: Come, come.

MOLE: And just now I scented it and...

I stopped, and I thought my heart would break.

RAT: There, there, there.

What a pig I've been.

Just a pig... a plain pig.

Come on, Mole.

MOLE: Where... where to?

RAT: To find that home of yours with that nose of yours.

[Mole sniffing]

MOLE: Do catch up, Ratty!

[Match being struck]

MOLE: Oh, Ratty! Why ever did I do it?

Why did I bring you to my poor, cold little place...

on a night like this?

You might have been at Riverbank toasting your toes...

with all your own nice things about you.

RAT: Hmm. Most remarkable. Wonderful.

MOLE: Why did I do it?

RAT: Let's see inside.

MOLE: Oh, Rat, what a neglected, cheerless place...

to bring you to.

RAT: Moly, how can you possibly say it's cheerless?

You have a capital little place here.

So...

uh... compact and snug.

Oh ho ho! Where do you keep the opener?

It's all lovely.

MOLE: Do you really think so?

In that drawer. Glasses on that shelf.

They belonged to my granddad.

RAT: Everything you need.

What a beautiful bedspread.

MOLE: Aunt Emily made me that.

RAT: Light...

warmth...

Iove...

a home.

If you say so, Ratty, then I couldn't be more pleased.

And, oh, Ratty, you are most, most welcome.

NARRATOR: And so, comfortable and at ease in his own home,

Mole entertained his loyal friend.

What did it matter if he could not provide bread or butter...

or, as Ratty said with a sly grin, p�te or champagne?

In the company of a good friend,

the plainest of meals is a banquet.

And what if Mole had always had to live...

a somewhat frugal and solitary life?

There always came that time of the year,

in deepest, darkest winter,

when, with the best of good cheer, he celebrated so much...

that had been good during the 12 months gone by...

a time not only for looking back,

but for looking forward...

for looking forward yet again to the rebirth of the world...

out of the dying remnants of the old year into spring.

[Whistling]

[Knocking on door]

RAT: Bother!

Be a good chap, Mole, and see who it is.

MOLE: Ratty. Ratty!

It's Mr. Badger.

RAT: Well, then?

MOLE: It's Mr. Badger.

RAT: Well, then?

MOLE: Oh!

Oh, yes!

MOLE: Mr. Badger.

BADGER: Ahem.

The hour has come.

RAT: Uh, what hour, Badger?

BADGER: Not what hour... whose hour.

Toad's hour, of course.

The hour of Toad.

I said I would take him in hand as soon as winter was over.

Very well. His time has come.

MOLE: Yes. Hurray, I remember.

We're going to teach him to be a sensible toad.

BADGER: This very morning...

I happen to know that yet another new...

and exceptionally powerful motorcar...

will arrive at Toad Hall on approval or return.

We must act at once.

You two animals will accompany me there instantly.

The work of rescue shall be accomplished.

[Singing to himself]

Hello, you fellows. You're just in time.

Just in time, I say, for...

BADGER: Restrain him!

RAT: Grab him, Moly!

TOAD: What are you doing? I say, let go!

Let go of me. This is an outrage!

MOLE: Back inside.

TOAD: I shall not go inside. I'm going for a drive.

BADGER: You won't be wanted today.

Mr. Toad has changed his mind.

TOAD: No, Badger!

I demand an instant explanation.

I haven't changed my mind. Let go at once!

Rat! Mole! Don't listen to him!

BADGER: This car is not required, my man.

TOAD: No! BADGER: That is final.

TOAD: Call the police! They've all gone mad!

Start the engine. I'm coming with you.

RAT: Hold him, Mole!

[Struggling]

TOAD: Oh, my car! My beautiful car!

Badger, what have you done?

BADGER: Now, take those ridiculous things off.

TOAD: Shan't! Shan't, shan't, shan't!

BADGER: Take them off!

RAT: Toad! Toad, for heaven's sakes!

TOAD: Let go, you Luddites!

BADGER: You knew it must come to this sooner or later, Toad.

You've taken no notice of warnings.

You've been throwing away your money,

giving us animals a bad name with your furious driving.

I want you to say you're sorry and to promise...

RAT: That's no good. He'll say anything.

BADGER: To promise solemnly that you'll give up...

your motorcars entirely and forever.

TOAD: You're so eloquent, dear Badger...

and so moving... and so convincing.

I faithfully promise that the next time I see a motorcar,

off I go in it!

BADGER: Quick, Moly! Lock him up.

TOAD: Stop it! No! Let go of me!

I will not have this!

I'm not going up there.

RAT: It's for your own good, Toad.

TOAD: You'll pay for this, Ratty. Let go!

RAT: No more trouble with the police.

MOLE: Just until you've got this fever out of your system.

[Toad yelling]

RAT: Badger will know what to do.

[Yelling]

Oh, I'm so angry!

It's just not fair!

[Sobbing]

Ah!

Ha ha ha ha!

Hee hee!

Heh heh heh heh!

Ha ha ha!

BADGER: Hmm. It's going to be a tedious business.

I've never seen Toad so determined.

However, we shall see it out.

He must never be left an instant unguarded.

We shall have to take it in turns to be with him...

till the poison has worked itself out.

RAT: Divide the day between us?

MOLE: I'll go first.

BADGER: Excellent, Mole!

Let's see, now. It's...

MOLE: It's... it's... it's Toad!

RAT: How the dickens did he...

BADGER: Why, that unrepentant...

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah!

Ha ha ha!

Brain against brute force. Ha ha!

BADGER: Toad! Toad! Return at once!

[Honking weakly]

Come on, you fool! Come on!

RAT: Come back, you trickster!

TOAD: Ah!

Get out of the way! Ha ha!

Aah! Ha ha!

Oh, joy!

Oh, ecstasy!

Clear the way!

Open road!

Ha ha ha!

Hee hee hee!

Whoopee!

MAN: I say, that's my motorcar!

Villain! Scoundrel! I'll have the law on you!

[Crash]

MAN: To my mind, the only difficulty...

that presents itself...

in this otherwise very clear case is...

how we can possibly make it sufficiently hot...

for the incorrigible rogue and hardened ruffian...

whom we see cowering in the dock before us.

[People murmuring]

[Toad moaning]

JUDGE: Let me see.

He has been found guilty, first,

of stealing a very valuable motorcar.

Second, of driving to the public danger,

and third, of the most gross impertinence to the police.

Mr. Clerk, will you tell us, please,

what is the very stiffest penalty...

we can impose for each of these offenses,

without, of course,

giving the prisoner the benefit of any doubt?

Because, of course...

[Coughs]

[Sniffs]

There is none.

TOAD: Ooh!

CLERK: Some people would consider...

that stealing the motorcar was the worst offense.

TOAD: I didn't...

CLERK: But cheeking the police...

should carry the severest penalty.

TOAD: Ooh!

CLERK: Say, 12 months for the theft, which is mild;

three years for the furious driving, which is lenient;

and as for the cheek, which, as we have heard, was pretty bad,

let us say, um, 15 years.

TOAD: No!

JUDGE: Making a grand total of 19 years.

Capital!

Call it 20, to be on the safe side.

And if you ever appear before us again,

we shall have to deal with you much more seriously.

TOAD: Aah!

Ooh!

[Haunting voices]

MAN: In the best... guarded keep of the stoutest castle...

in all the length and breadth of Merry England.

[Haunting voices]

TOAD: No!

[Toad sobbing]

Ooh!

MAN: A mug of water and half a slice of bread...

tomorrow morning.

WOMAN: Yes, Father.

TOAD: The very end of everything for Toad...

for the popular and handsome Toad...

for the rich and hospitable Toad.

How can I hope ever to be set free?

Toad...

how I pity me!

They'll all forget me: Wise old Badger...

clever, intelligent Rat...

sensible Mole.

It really is the end, the utter, bitter end of good old Toad.

[Sobbing]

[Crash]

Oh, no! No!

It was... only...

a dream.

Oh, hapless Toad!

I must languish day and night...

night and day... in this dungeon...

till people who were proud to say they knew me...

have forgotten the very name of Toad.

And imprisoned so justly... stupid animal that I was...

for stealing so handsome a motorcar...

in such an audacious manner.

And for such lurid and imaginative cheek...

ha ha...

bestowed on so many fat, red... faced policemen.

Heh heh heh!

[Sniffing]

Oh, unhappy and forsaken Toad,

cast into a cold, uncomfortable cell...

after the glories of Toad Hall.

Who, now, shall enjoy that desirable riverside residence,

dating in part from the 14th century...

with all modern conveniences,

five minutes from post office and golf club,

boat house, walled garden, pigsty, stables, pigeon house,

hen house, dairy, wash house, china and linen cupboards,

and the great banqueting hall...

[Sobbing]

In which the wealthy and ever... generous Toad...

so royally entertained his guests...

with all that was best to eat and drink.

[Door opening]

Oh!

WOMAN: Good morning, Mr. Toad.

TOAD: Yes, yes! Good morning!

WOMAN: Now, Mr. Toad, I've been thinking.

Seeing as how fond I am of animals,

and seeing as how I do feel pity for you,

and seeing as how you're rich...

TOAD: Very rich, my girl.

WOMAN: Very rich... and seeing as you...

wouldn't miss a pound or two,

well, see, I have an aunt who's a washerwoman...

TOAD: Well, never mind. Think no more about it.

I have several aunts who ought to be washerwomen.

WOMAN: Do be quiet. You do hurt my head.

It's my aunt as does the washing for the prisoners, see,

because my father, the jailer,

do like to keep any paying business in the family.

Now, my aunt is very poor,

and if you, Mr. Toad, don't want to stay here for 20 years...

and would come to an arrangement...

TOAD: To be free?

WOMAN: When her comes directly, her could...

just slip her clothes off, and you could put hers on,

and then everything will be all right, you see...

because we could get you out.

RAT: Hello, old friend. Had a nice day?

Phew! Hasn't it been hot?

MOLE: Hmm.

Been on the River with some pals.

How was your supper with the otters?

RAT: Something's the matter. Out with it.

MOLE: I've been worrying about Toad,

wondering how he'll stick being in prison.

RAT: Never mind Toad. He always falls on his feet.

MOLE: Ratty, how could you?

RAT: Save your concern for the otters.

Young Portly has been missing for several days.

He's strayed before, but never for so long,

and the river's swollen.

MOLE: And the lad's no great swimmer yet.

The Weir. Suppose...

RAT: Quite. His father's frantic.

He's going to keep watch all night by the ford.

It's where he caught his first fish, you see?

[Indistinct voices]

Do you mind?

[Clears throat]

Ha ha ha ha!

Toad, old boy, you are a marvel!

[Train whistle]

Huh? Oh!

Aah!

Oh, no! My wallet!

It's in my other clothes. Aah! I haven't got any money!

Oh, oh! Oh, no!

Wait! Wait! Don't go!

TOAD: Uh... oh, sir!

Oh, sir!

Look, I'm a poor, unhappy washerwoman,

and I've lost all my money, and I can't pay for a ticket,

and I must get home tonight.

MAN: And got some nippers a... waiting for you, daresay.

TOAD: Oh, yes. Any amount of them.

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

MAN: I'll tell you what.

You wash a few shirts for me, I'll give you a ride.

TOAD: Yes, yes! A thousand shirts!

MAN: Up with you, then!

TOAD: Whoa!

TOAD, THINKING: Ah, admit it, Toad, old boy...

you are a marvel!

Luck?

Luck doesn't come into it.

Oh, with what brilliant theatrical skill...

you bamboozled the prison guards!

With what subtle arts of persuasion...

you wrung the heart of this clod of a train driver.

Why, you're probably the greatest actor in England,

and you're once again free, my dear fellow. Free!

MAN: Here's a run... go, washerwoman.

Criminals, are we?

Then we ought to stop.

TOAD: No! I will confess.

I am not a poor washerwoman, but rather the famous Mr. Toad.

I've just escaped from a loathsome jail,

and if they recapture me,

it will be chains and misery once again...

for poor, innocent me.

MAN: Innocent? What were you imprisoned for?

TOAD: Only borrowing a car.

[Shouting]

MAN: I ought by rights to turn you in,

but I don't hold with being ordered about by policemen...

when I'm on me own engine.

Here's the tunnel a... comin'.

You must jump just before, all right?

TOAD: Yes.

MAN: Are you ready? Now! Jump!

Jump!

TOAD: Aah!

[Train whistle]

NARRATOR: So Toad was safe for the moment,

but what of little Portly,

missed, looked for, not yet found,

and leaving no clues to help the searchers?

Ah, Ratty, dear old Ratty,

who was so wise in the ways of the River,

was following an instinct of his own,

something that was in the air.

Some spirit drew him on... haunting, awesome...

and once he heard its voice, he had no option but to follow.

Sometimes the beauty of it hurt him.

It would come and go... faint an hour, and then stronger...

which was nowhere, and yet everywhere at once...

a merry bubble and joy,

or else a thin, clear, happy call...

that he had once heard at its loudest and strongest...

at the place of what he called his song... dream:

A holy place where, if anywhere at all,

that spirit might be found.

MOLE: Ratty, are you afraid?

RAT: Of him?

Never. Never.

RAT: Some... great... creature... has been here.

MOLE: Here he is, Ratty.

Now we must get you back to your father, young Portly.

Come along, Rat.

Think of poor Otter waiting by the ford.

OTTER: You scoundrel! Where did you get to?

Do you know I've had no sleep for two nights because of you?

MOLE: I'm so tired, Rat. Are you?

RAT: Dead tired.

Something very splendid and beautiful has happened, Mole.

Hark to the wind in the reeds.

MOLE: It's like faraway music.

RAT: Music, yes. But words, too.

MOLE: I can't hear any words.

RAT: "Lest the awe should dwell and turn your frolic to fret,

"you shall look upon my power at the helping hour,

"but then you shall forget."

Can't you hear those words in the reeds, Mole?

MOLE: No, Ratty, l...

I'm sorry, I just can't.

RAT: "Helper and healer, I cheer,

"small waifs in the woodland wet,

"strays I find in it, wounds I bind in it,

"bidding them all forget."

MOLE: I shan't forget Mr. Toad. Not ever.

Oh!

Ooh?

WOMAN: Nice morning, missus!

TOAD: I daresay it... Ahem!

[In high... toned voice] I daresay it is to them...

as isn't a poor washerwoman...

as needs to wear her poor, old feet out...

to visit her daughter as lives near Toad Hall.

WOMAN: Toad Hall?

Canal joins the river near there.

I'll give you a lift.

TOAD: Ah, thank you, ma'am, indeed.

TOAD, THINKING: It's the charm that does it, Toad, me old lad.

Pure charm.

WOMAN: Washerwoman, you says, missus?

TOAD: Laundry lady, I should have said.

I run a very high... class business, you know.

TOAD: Am I an idiot? I'm in hot water again!

Oh, never mind. Pooh, I say.

Any fool can wash.

Now, then... you put these things in... ooh! ...in here,

and then... rub a bit of soap on, like this...

and... whoop!

Come here, you little beast!

Then, um, you're supposed to do something with this...

like that, I think.

And, uh...

Oh, get back in there, will you?

Well, I never.

WOMAN: Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh!

TOAD: And what I say is, washing should be left to fools.

How dare you mock me,

you common, low, fat, barge woman!

WOMAN: Who are you to be calling me names?

TOAD: I'll have you know that I am, in reality,

the very well... known, highly respected,

and distinguished Toad! So there!

WOMAN: What?

A nasty, creepy... crawly toad?

On my lovely, clean barge?

Eww!

TOAD: Get off me!

WOMAN: Good riddance!

TOAD: Whaaah!

WOMAN: Ha ha ha ha!

Iron your face, washerwoman,

and you'll pass for a fair... looking Toad.

TOAD: But I'll put you out!

Oh, yes!

Here, horsey. Come to Toad.

WOMAN: Stop! Stop!

Stop!

TOAD: Ha ha! Trot on, dobbin.

WOMAN: Oh! You fooled me!

You clumsy... you... you nasty... you toad!

Oh! Ohh!

Stop!

TOAD: Ha ha!

The world has held great heroes

As history books have showed

But never a name to go into fame

Compared with that of Toad!

Aha!

Toad shall arrive home in style.

TOAD: Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, prison and chains again!

[Echoing] Oh, hapless Toad!

[Door opens]

MAN: Oh! Poor old washerwoman.

Overcome by the heat, I daresay.

[Toad groaning]

JUDGE: Why, she looks better already.

How do you feel now, mum?

TOAD: A great deal better, sir.

Thank you, kindly.

Except, sir, I was just thinking.

JUDGE: Yes?

TOAD: I've never been in a motorcar before.

How do they work, I wonder?

CHAUFFEUR: I'll be more than glad to show you,

but I fear it's a rather complicated business...

for an old lady to understand.

[Gears grinding]

TOAD: Washerwoman, eh?

I am none other than the famous Toad,

motorcar snatcher and prison breaker!

JUDGE: Oh! Grab him!

TOAD: Sit still, and you shall know what driving really is.

For you're in the hands of the famous, skillful,

entirely fearless Toad!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Crash]

MEN: Help! Help!

Help!

JUDGE: You reprobate, how dare you kidnap me!

I shall have you arrested.

TOAD: Ha ha ha ha!

Huh!?

TOAD: The bobbies! Aah!

Catch me if you can!

[Bobbies blowing whistles]

MAN: Stop!

TOAD: Waah!

MAN: He's going away!

There's no bridge!

TOAD: Oh! Oh! Poor Toad!

[Toad sputtering]

RAT: Hold fast, madam! Hold fast!

TOAD: Oh, kind sir, help me, poor wretch that I am.

RAT: Toad? Toad?!

TOAD: You simply won't believe...

what I have to tell you, my dear fellows.

With one bound, I was free from prison,

took a short cruise on a luxury ship,

took up me old interest in motorcars once again...

MOLE: Oh, Toad, it is lovely to have you back.

TOAD: Just wait till I tell you my last exploit.

RAT: Now, see here, Toad. We don't want to give you pain...

MOLE: No, we don't. Hurray for old Toad.

However did you do it, you clever, intelligent...

RAT: But it's like this.

As soon as you got into your scrape, we Riverbankers...

MOLE: Who all stuck up for you.

RAT: Be quiet, Moly!

We decided to keep an eye on Toad Hall for you.

MOLE: Keep it aired and dusted.

TOAD: Very civil of you.

RAT: So Badger and Mole here...

moved in with some of their things.

MOLE: But the Wild Wooders came...

and surprised us with a raiding party:

Weasels, armed to the teeth, and stoats and ferrets...

RAT: And beat the living daylights...

out of the two of them with sticks...

and threw them out!

And they say they're staying in Toad Hall for good,

eating your grub, drinking your drink...

MOLE: And making up rude songs and jokes about you.

TOAD: What? We will jolly soon see about that!

RAT: It's no use.

Armed sentries everywhere:

Ferret on the gate with a rifle, stoats on the roof with rocks.

MOLE: I know...

I'll dry out Toad's washerwoman clothes and put them on...

and go up to Toad Hall and ask them...

if they want any washing done.

And they'll say, "Run away, old woman,"

and I'll say, "Won't be me running away before long...

"because there's a great army of badgers and rats and moles...

"coming up through the paddock tonight, armed to the teeth,

"not to mention the death... or... glory toads."

And oh, my, won't that get them flustered?

RAT: A great army?

TOAD: Poor friendless animal.

BADGER: Good day to you, Toad, unhappy creature.

I have high hopes of you, Mole.

Tonight, they're having a banquet for the chief weasel.

If the good Mole's washerwoman ruse works,

the stoats and ferrets...

would be mainly posted sentinel in the paddock...

and not best pleased with the weasels,

who will all be eating and drinking in the dining hall...

none of them armed,

and little suspecting how we shall overpower them.

TOAD: Plehh! Pyuuh! Only four of us?

And we'd be seen?

BADGER: My young friend...

your father, who was a worthier animal than some,

told me things he'd never have dreamt of telling you.

There's a secret underground passage...

which leads right up under your butler's pantry.

TOAD: That squeaky board!

[Animals yelling and dishes clattering]

[Noise continues in distance]

[Badger sniffing]

Now, boys, all together.

WEASEL: I should like to say one word...

about our kind host, Mr. Toad.

We all know Toad!

Ha ha ha ha!

Yeah. Good Toad!

Modest Toad!

Honest Toad!

Ha ha ha ha!

TOAD: Ooh! Let me at him.

BADGER: Now, hold on.

Get ready, all of you. The hour has come.

WEASEL: Let me sing you a little song...

on the subject of Toad.

Ahem. Ahem.

Toad, he went a... pleasuring gaily down the street

BADGER: Now!

[Shouting]

WEASELS: Oh! Look out!

TOAD: I got you!

TOAD: Eat my food, would you?

Drink my drink, would you?

Sleep in my beds, would you?

TOAD: That's it!

Clear out, and don't come back, you rotters!

MOLE: That's it, then, Badger.

BADGER: Whew!

Mole, you're the best of fellows.

You and old Ratty go outside...

and send those ferrets and stoats about their business,

while I have a word with Toad.

TOAD: Did you see how I sent that chief weasel flying?

BADGER: Sit down, Toad!

Shortly, you will attend to our immediate needs,

and tomorrow you will give a splendid banquet...

to celebrate this affair.

TOAD: Of course! It�ll be the finest...

BADGER: You will immediately make out a guest list...

and then write invitations to all our friends.

RAT: It's all over.

Threw down their rifles and fled.

MOLE: Not all of them.

Some stood fast for a bit.

And there were stoats fighting with weasels,

and they was wrestling and wriggling.

BADGER: Excellent and deserving animal.

How's that guest list coming on for our feast tomorrow?

TOAD: Oh, bother the guest list!

Here's the program of entertainment.

We'll open with a speech by Toad.

There'll be other speeches by him later in the evening.

Then an address by Toad about, uh...

the prison system, canals, horse stealing, et cetera,

followed by a song from Toad...

and other pieces performed by the composer, Toad,

uh... oh...

I say... not one speech tomorrow?

N... not one s... s... song?

[Footsteps coming closer]

BADGER: Well, I never. What's keeping him?

BADGER: Always in the habit of keeping people waiting.

TOAD: Not one song. Huh!

Whose homecoming is it, I'd like to know?

When the Toad came home

When the Toad came home

There was smashing in of window

And crashing in of door

There was chivvying of weasels

That fainted on the floor

When the Toad came home

Bang go the drums

The trumpeters are tooting

And the soldiers are saluting

Cannon they are shooting

And the motorcars are hooting

Toot! Toot! Toot!

As the hero comes

Oh!

Don't want my songs, eh?

Well, it's entirely their loss, of course.

Oh, poor fellows.

Hey ho.

Shout hurray

And let each one of the crowd try and shout it very loud

In honor of an animal of whom you're very proud

For it's Toad's great day!

[Animal speaking indistinctly]

[Applause]

NARRATOR: All the animals cheered when he entered,

and crowded round to praise his great courage and cleverness.

But Toad only smiled, "Thank you,"

and murmured, "Not at all. Badger was the mastermind,

"and Mole and Water Rat bore the brunt of the fighting.

"I merely served in the ranks and did little or nothing."

So...

GIRL: So...

TOGETHER: He was indeed an altered Toad.

[Laughing]

[Boat whistle]

There. We're wanted aboard.

Come along... all hands to the packing.

BOY: I want to hear some more! Is that the end?

GIRL: Not quite.

WOMAN: At Badger's command, Toad sent presents or money...

to the jailer's daughter and the engine drivers...

GIRL: And the barge woman.

WOMAN: And the barge woman.

[Bird screeching]

[Boat whistle]

WOMAN: Sometimes, on long summer evenings,

four friends would take a stroll together in the Wild Wood.

Mother weasels would bring their young ones...

to the mouths of their holes and say, "Look!

"There's the great Mr. Toad,

"and that's the gallant Water Rat!

"And yonder's the famous Mr. Mole!"

Whenever their children were naughty,

they would be told if they didn't behave,

the terrible gray Badger would up and get them!

GIRL: But this was very unfair on Badger...

because he was rather fond of children.

WOMAN: And so am I.

I daresay Ratty's out with the others,

messing about in boats.

GIRL: Gosh, yes! We might even see them.

BADGER: The very next time this happens,

I shall be exceedingly angry.

MOLE: Bother! Oh, blow! Hang spring... cleaning!

RAT: I'm not always talking about my old river,

but I think about it all the time.

TOAD: Been in prison. I got out, of course.

Thrown into a canal, swam ashore, stole a horse.

I'm such a clever toad.

GIRL: Oh, wasn't that such fun?

BOY: What adventures did they have next?

{{{ the end }}}