Original subtitles

I'll see you at home, then.

A toast !

To us !

Look at him, he Iooks Iike such an idiot !

Look at him, he looks like such a jerk !

Buddy, you look even sadder than me.

- You look down in the dumps. - lt was her.

She really left you in pieces.

- What's yours called ? - Federica.

Mine's Sara. When did she leave you ?

- It's been seven weeks now. - Twelve for me.

Oh ! Do you still feel nauseous ?

In the morning, but that's bitterness.

Do you feel sleepy ?

- Yes. - And lethargic ?

Do you get swollen ankles ?

I'm not pregnant !

- I get them - It's depression.

Being dumped at our age is bad news.

- Why, how old are you ? - 55.

- You look younger. - Thanks, but I'm not.

- How about you ? - 45.

You look older.

- I'm Vincenzo. - Paolo.

Paolo, ifyou leave me...

- it's not fair ! - Hear, hear !

HOW TO GET REVENGE ON YOUR EX

You know the saying: "Your health is everything" ?

For her it wasn't a saying, it was the Bible.

We had an ultra-strict diet.

No pasta or bread in the evenings.

- Protein ? - Heaven forbid ! It keeps you up.

Just Japanese seaweed broth. How gross !

- Who was in charge at home ? - She did !

The liver !

I don't know about you, but liver turns my stomach !

I'm sorry. No, mine's fine.

It doesn't literally turn ! It's an expression.

I don't like liver.

She was obsessed with food, a fanatic.

- Vegetarian... - Vegetarian, vegan, Venusian !

Those people who think that

certain foods make you immortal !

You'll die anyway !

At least yours had ideals.

- What about you ? - I'm an IT consultant.

- That's bad. - She wanted me to be like Bill Gates

and invent the iPhone.

Did Bill Gates invent the iPhone ?

- No. - So ?

Exactly ! So why should I invent it ?

I'm going.

It's late. Are you going this way ?

- No, that way. - Take care.

- It was nice meeting you. - It was a great evening.

- Yes, really. - Really great.

Okay...

How about we meet up...

- Tomorrow ? - Yes, tomorrow !

So we can talk about...

- Where shall we meet ? - Here.

- In front of the lion. - Oh, there's a lion here !

Hadn't you noticed ? There are four of them.

It's the night of the lions !

- Shall I throw these in here ? - No, in the waste bin.

- It's paper ! - In the wastepaper bin !

Like our love. Wasted !

I hate soft toys.

- But this elephant... - Elephants represent memories.

Our destiny is oblivion. Chuck the lot, be ruthless !

Look at the crap she bought !

- What about this ? - Federica's lingerie ? Crikey !

- Could it come in useful ? - No, you'll never undress her again !

Wherever we go, we see love. Just look !

At their age, still sharing sweet nothings.

"The tram is here !" She thinks I'm a tram driver.

The whole package will be 2,300 euros.

Just as a start !

Excluding drinks !

You know how much it'll cost you for a taxi from the airport

to the hotel ? And then at the beach,

the cabin, the sunbed,

the parasol, the towels,

the tip for the lifeguard, the pool...

From 2,300 euros it'll end up being at least 8,000.

- 8,000 ? We can't afford that. - That's obvious.

- What do you mean ? - No offence meant.

It's our 25th, our silver wedding anniversary.

My friend, you'll be celebrating your charcoal anniversary.

Because you'll split up in the Maldives.

- What ? - Where are you from ?

- Salerno. - Split up in Salerno !

- How dare you ! - Madam, save your money !

You'll end up splitting up, I'm telling you.

- What are you saying ? - In the Maldives, she'll dump you.

- Ifyou get there ! - Ifwe get there ?

Ifyou don't, she won't.

But ifyou do,

she'll dump you.

- Forgive him. - Who is he ?

- He's the owner of this agency. - Crikey !

You wrap it in a damp cloth

and when it's turned rancid,

that means it's ready.

Seitan needs to be disgusting. That's how you eat it.

Paolo ?

That's Federica.

- And who's he ? - He's...

He's a shithead.

- Do you know him ? - No.

- So why is he a shithead ? - I can tell.

How ? You're jealous !

Yes, I am. So what ?

You're angry because you're jealous.

For two weeks you've made me miss work appointments

to come to this goddamn place to see if Federica goes by.

- And now that you've seen her ? - I'll kill myself.

Don't say that, I'll slap you. You should be happy !

I should be happy ?

- You should laugh about it ? - I should ?

- That's it, louder ! Great !

- Can you see how great life is ? - It's great ?

It's great without Federica.

- It's great that she has a boyfriend. - That's easy for you to say !

What if I told you Sara had a boyfriend ?

I wouldn't give a shit !

She can feed another guy seitan. Let someone else eat that.

- Is that what you'd say ? - Seitan, up yours !

- You'd say that ? - I'd be happy.

- I'm glad. - Why, what do you care ?

- That's one less burden. - Don't talk about burdens.

- Right... - We're free men.

You know why ? I looked at her profile yesterday...

- Federica's ? - No, Sara's. You asked me to.

I saw this photo, I didn't know if...

- You're always on that computer ! - I didn't know whether to show you.

- "Delete" ! Cancel it ! - But instead...

Where is she ? Federica !

I'm single !

What's up ? Look here.

Look at this photo !

Do you remember them ? Let me speak !

Were they here last night ? At what time ?

Answer me ! Did they have red or white wine ?

Who paid, him or her ? Did that miser split the bill ?

Did they look happy when they left ?

Why does this say "fantastic dinner" ? Answer me !

Why aren't you talking ?

You're not letting me... get a word in.

Where's that magazine ? Dammit.

Mara !

- Vincenzo... - Are you crying ?

I need to talk to you.

What's happened ?

Remember my husband, Fausto ?

Did he die ?

He left me !

He left you !

And you're crying about it ?

He just left me.

- I see. What can I do ? - For no reason !

- For no reason. - Suddenly...

he said: "Mara, it's over."

What did he say ?

"Mara, it's over."

And you're upset about this ?

Go ahead and cry. Tell me something...

what was it that upset you the most ?

When he said: "Mara, it's over."

- Hi, Paolo. - Hi.

- Is this your house ? - Yes.

Paolo, I've realised something very important.

We've got make them cry.

They have to cry like Mara was crying.

I want to see Sara begging on her knees, in despair.

Don't you want Federica to do the same ?

Of course I would, but...

But, what ?

They have to suffer, we have to make them cry.

- Shall we beat them ? - Of course not !

We'll dump them !

You don't understand, we can't dump them,

they've already dumped us.

I know, but we won't dump our own ex-girlfriends.

- We'll swap. - How ?

You'll dump Sara

and I'll dump Federica.

- Are you going out with Federica ? - No !

We'll win their affection, then dump them and make them cry.

Do you get it ?

- Dad... - You're here ?

Remember, when you play football,

don't break any windows, okay ?

Yesterday you broke a window.

- Is this lad your friend ? - I'm 60.

- What's your name ? - Vincenzo.

I'm going to do a crossword, okay ?

- I'm going to do a crossword ! - Good idea.

- Who's he ? - My father.

- You live with your father ? - I know, he's old.

Federica came here, with your father ?

No, in the car, every so often...

How gross !

With newspapers on the windows, like in the 60s ?

No wonder she dumped you ! Now I get it.

- Oh, I know ! - Of course you do.

- I know what I have to do. - Find yourself a house.

I'll win Sara's affection

and you'll win Federica's.

- Then we'll dump them. - You finally got it ?

How will we do that ?

Here you are.

This is everything you need to win her over.

Sara Lucchini's entire life story.

- When did you do this ? - I stayed up all night.

Now tell me everything I need to know to win over your ex.

- What's that ? - I stayed up all night to do it.

Is this it ?

- 740 ? - No, 7- 40.

- As in the time ? - No, it's her tax number.

Her tax number ?

Look. I kept up to date with financial matters,

to impress her, because she liked all that.

You should invest, invest, invest !

- She sounds like a real pest ! - Exactly !

Ifyou're rich and powerful, she'll like you.

Ifyou're poor, you're invisible.

That's not true ! That's not true !

You're weak, that's why she left you.

Come on, dad !

- Why, aren't you weak ? - Gimme a break !

"Gimme a break" ! Why are you talking Roman ?

I was asking myself that too. Was he born in Rome ?

No, in Naples.

But his mum was Roman, and as he's a mummy's boy...

I'm not a mummy's boy ! I studied in Rome.

So why didn't you stay there ?

- Why did you come back ? - Because...

Because you're a wimp. That's why.

I came back for you.

- For me ? - Yes, when my mum died.

Your mum's died ? Oh, I'm sorry.

- When did she die ? - Ages ago !

It's always the same people who die !

We all die !

Garibaldi's died too, you know.

How will Italy become united without Garibaldi ?

My home.

Don't say "mmh" ! Have a look first !

- What's wrong with it ? - It's not a rich man's house.

- Why ? - Because it's not.

You know how much rent I pay ? 2,700 monthly.

Exactly, peanuts.

What's 2,700 euros for Mr Ludovisi ?

- Who's Mr Ludovisi ? - It's a made up name !

We said we'd pretend you're rich...

To impress Federica. Ludovisi.

Mr Ludovisi is a real estate owner, so he owns things.

And houses. Lots of houses.

And he wants Federica to design the interior of one of these houses.

- Miss Federica is an architect. - You mustn't call her "miss" !

- Is she married ? - No, you must call her "madam".

These are just details... Don't worry, when the time comes...

And listen, you're not... You need to smarten up, your hair...

Nonsense ! I scrub up well, I'm a gentleman.

- Favourite restaurant ? - "Turnip heads".

- Correct. Favourite film ? - "Cocoon".

- Excellent. Favourite book ? - "Lotito".

Not the president of Lazio F.C. ! "Lolita", by Nabokov.

Don't get it wrong.

- Favourite music ? - Maestro, can I answer ? I know.

No prompting, Mr D'Ambrosio.

That's right, dad ! Stop it ! It's me doing the test !

- Vivaldi ! - Fantastic !

- It kick-starts her day. - Got it !

- What wine does she like ? - 22 Fiano d'Avellino, Villa Raiano.

Correct. How long do you cook quinoa for ?

If it's dehydrated, 15 minutes. Dried, 25 minutes.

Very good. Favourite singer ?

Favourite singer ?

- Favourite singer ? - Pino Daniele !

Try it.

Is it good ?

Is it good ? Is it too hot ?

- Oh, god. I'm sorry. - Totally disgusting.

- I'm sorry. - No, it's great ! It's perfect.

Sara's never made it taste that bad.

It's a really horrid soup ! Well done, she'll love it.

- So I'll cook this for her ? - Yes !

- I'm doing well. - Really well !

- I think this might work. - It will.

Did you get the car for Federica ?

I found the perfect car for our wealthy Mr Ludovisi.

- What car ? - Mercedes's flagship car.

- Really ? - I got it free.

The car dealer's like us, he got dumped.

- Really ? - The seats in the car...

are still wet from the tears he shed.

- Really ? Nice. - How suave !

- You need a chauffeur. - Why ?

- To drive you round. - No, I'll drive. We're not in the 1800s !

- You don't know Federica. - Where will we get a chauffeur ?

You can't show up without a chauffeur !

My question was: where will we get one ?

I've got one.

You shouldn't have done this, Carmela.

I trusted you.

You're wrong, Gennaro.

Renato and I have never shown you any disrespect.

Right, Renato ? Say it ! Say it !

- Say it ! - Hold on ! And keep your hands off.

- Not ever, Carmela. - But I saw you !

- Outside the supermarket. - I was there too.

- Holding the forbidden fruit. - No, sir !

- That apple fell out of the trolley. - What ?

I was being a gentleman and helping the lady.

Get out of it ! A gentleman ! You're a goddamn bastard !

A good-for-nothing ! Stop talking all posh.

- Speak like the commoner you are ! - Who's he ?

I learnt how to speak at acting school.

What did they teach you ? Let's hear it !

- Everything, m'lady. - What, m'lady ?

- What did they teach you ? - I'm a real actor.

A real actor ? You're an asshole !

- Pardon ? - An asshole !

Me or him ?

Leave him out of it !

Gentlemen, I'm going...

Good evening,

I'm going because I refuse to be insulted while I work.

- I won the Golden Corn. - 'et 'ost !

Plus you're the director... I mean, the producer of the show...

'et 'ost.

- I've not even been paid... - 'et 'ost.

- 'et... - ..'ost.

I should "get lost" ?

- What about my 30 euros ? - How do you want them ?

With this side of my hand or that side ?

I'll leave my IBAN in the dressing room.

His IBAN ! Go wash some pots and pans !

- He's our man. - Our chauffeur ?

Yes... he can do any part, he's a great actor.

- This one ? - Alberto Giorgiazzi.

- Who is he ? - You don't knowAlberto Giorgiazzi ?

- I remember an old actor... - Alberto !

- Paolo ! - Hi !

My goodness, what a fright !

How are you, Alberto ?

Were you watching the show ?

No, unfortunately we got here too late.

Good, because it wasn't the best performance.

- Shouldn't you be on stage ? - You're right !

I left early, I made the character's lines more concise.

- We've got a job proposal. - Maybe !

- Let's talk outside. - As you wish.

- Don't you have to say thanks ? - No !

That's an out-dated tradition now...

I'll send a telegram later.

- He looks like an idiot to me. - He's an eclectic artist !

I don't understand what kind of role you want me to play.

- Is he a businessman's chauffeur ? - Yes, he's a chauffeur,

but he's also an advisor, a problem solver...

a great character, we're working on it.

So he's a sort of "work in progress".

Very well. What theatres will we work in ?

- No theatres. - No theatres.

No theatres ?

He means it's a travelling show !

Very interesting.

So I'll be a street performer. A sort offree-style theatre.

- Very free ! - A sort of reality show.

- No, I don't do reality shows. - Why not ?

To protect my image.

He means "reality" like realism, neorealism.

No, it's real !

Help me to understand.

Is it a sort offiction-reportage about a chauffeur

who lives with his boss ?

- What did you say his name is ? - Alberto.

- Giorgiazzi ! - Alberto Giorgiazzi.

Any connection with Giorgio Albertazzi ?

In anagram form.

Alberto, for a few days, you'll play the chauffeur,

the butler and the waiter for Mr Ludovisi.

Do you want to do it or not ?

First of all, I don't like this man's sarcastic tone.

- Come on ! - Who I don't even know.

- I'm a friend of Paolo's. - I don't care !

If there's a contract, I'll do it.

- If not, goodbye and thank you. - No, no. Alberto !

I wasn't expecting this from you.

- You're right. - I've never felt so insulted.

- I'm sorry. - I won the Golden Corn.

- I know. - For best extra in Italy.

- I know that. - I'm an actor. An actor !

Give me one reason why I should get involved in this bullshit.

One reason.

- 200 euros. - A day ?

- Aweek ! - There, I knew it !

- So it's a no ? - No, it's a yes !

- When do we start ? - You said yes ?

- I can't do Fridays. - We need you every day.

- I should have... - Your visiting card ?

- My Equity card. - What's that ?

I can never find it.

Sara's typical day.

What's the first thing she does when she gets up ?

- Awee. - Forget about bodily needs.

- When she goes out. - Food shopping.

- In what supermarket ? - The organic one.

- Via... - Via the shortcut.

No ! What's the name of the street ?

- Ah ! Via San Pasquale. - Correct !

- Did I forget anything ? - How do I know ?

Sorry.

Goodbye.

- What an oddball ! Seen him before ? - No.

Consistent with her romantic nature

Sara believes in fate,

in love at first sight and in true love.

However a series of failed relationships

has left her feeling more cynical,

which makes her a more difficult subject to win over.

- What happens in Via San Pasquale ? - She takes a taxi.

- What will you do ? - Jump in the same taxi and you call me.

- As a co... - As a courting opportunity.

No ! As a coincidence. And then...

- You'll call me. - On the phone.

- To tell me about the monkey. - What monkey ?

- The one she likes... - The woolly monkey !

Viale Gramsci !

- Sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

- Aren't you... - No...

- You are, I saw you... - No, no.

Ifwe're going the same way, I'll give you a lift, ma'am.

- Miss. - What did I miss ?

I'm a miss.

- You are ? - What number are you going to ?

To...

- I'm going to number 15. - Number 15 ?

Sorry, I meant number 11 .

Right, because the numbers are in descending order in Via Gramsci.

So ?

- So you'll give me a lift, ma'am. - Miss.

Eventually, when you've decided who's going to get out first,

do you think you could let me know ?

Yes, sorry. You're right.

Apologies.

Here we are !

Someone's calling me.

- Excuse me, it's a call. - Go ahead.

- Is that Vivaldi ? - Yes.

- Spring ? - Yes, yes.

- I love it. - Me too, it's so energising !

And while I'm looking for my phone, I can listen to some music.

- Sorry, do you mind ? - Not at all.

I'm full of stuff... Ifyou could hold it...

This too, it's very important to me.

- Shakespeare's Sonnets ? - Yes.

Which one's your favourite ?

The one about uncertainty... to be or not to be.

Hello ?

My dear friend !

That's great news ! Really ?

I wish I was there, in Africa...

so I could carry her home in my arms.

Thanks. Call me when you're in Nairobi.

Thanks a million.

- Are you sponsoring a child ? - Kind of.

- A girl ? - No, a monkey.

A monkey !

What kind of monkey ?

A monkey...

A real one... a hairy one.

I really love them.

Yes, these things really cheer you up.

- That's true. - By the way, I don't know your name.

- Yes, you're right. - My name's Paolo.

- Sara. - I know.

- How ? - Sorry, my hand !

I've arrived. Could you pull over, please ?

Here.

- I'll pay. - No. Are you kidding ? I'll pay.

- Thanks, Paolo. - No problem.

- Thanks. - Here you are.

- Keep the change. - Thanks !

Goodbye.

- Bye. - Bye, Paolo.

- Bye. - Bye.

Stop ! Could you go back, please ?

Damn...

the ring !

A bit further back.

I'll be right back.

Don't worry, remain calm.

When she arrives, look calm and relaxed, breathe !

Breathe deeply. How do you breathe ?

With my gills !

- An actor who doesn't breathe... - Dies !

No ! Breathing properly improves your life.

Speak clearly, pronounce words properly, don't mumble.

You're a rich, powerful man.

Poor people mumble.

Where are we going, sir ?

- What's that ? - An elocution exercise.

You obstruct your phonetic apparatus with an object.

When you remove the object the words flow better.

- You try. - How gross !

Next time.

- Alberto, don't stress me out. - Ah ! "Do not" stress me out.

- Whatever. - "Do not".

- Okay. - We'll meet Federica, she's an...

- Architect. - Pronounce the final T !

- I always get it wrong. - Why are we going to see her ?

Because she'll be decorating a villa I own downtown.

- In the "centre". - Whatever !

- "Centre" is the correct term. - Same difference.

- What do you mean ? - I say "downtown".

- I'm trying to help you. - Whatever, "centre"...

- You're hard work ! - Don't be rude.

- What about the door ? - It's closed.

- It's like "floor". - It's not on the floor.

- It rhymes with" floor". - Not again !

How do you say: "Open the door"?

- Open it for real. - Holy cow !

Do you lock the door with a "cow" ?

- Don't you mean "key" ? - I got it wrong.

- I pronounced it wrong. - Is it "cow" or "key" ?

- What key ? - The radiator key ?

- I'm getting confused. - Let's go !

Don't rush. You've the world at your feet.

When I open your door, don't rush out !

Dammit ! Come on, get out !

- Shall I get out or not ? - You can now.

I'm talking to the mortal being, the so-called actor

who should change career. Get out, put on my hat and gloves.

Let's swap roles. I'll be Ludovisi.

- Come off it... - Watch how a gentleman gets out.

- Do I need to wear these ? - Take my place.

- No, come on, this is absurd. - Take my place !

- They're waiting for us... - I'm not budging ! I'll stop him too.

- Sorry. - Take my place.

You'll make me have a nervous breakdown.

You have to start from here. Acting is all about timing.

Go through the whole enactment.

And don't sigh ! You're an employee !

Did you hear me ? Move the car !

- What is it ? - Come on !

Move the car !

You're blocking the exit. Will you move the...

Can you move the car ? Did you hear me ? Come on.

Sorry.

Good morning. You must be Mr Ludovisi.

- Are you Miss Federica ? - Hello. Please, come in.

Thank you. May I ?

It's a fine day today.

Excuse me !

- Oh God ! - Sorry !

No, I just thought...

- How did you get here ? - I was at work.

- How come you're here ? - Don't ask.

- Monkey trouble ? - Pardon ?

No, I don't know... Oh, my monkey !

No, my monkey's fine. She's okay, everything's fine.

But today I lost something that meant a lot to me.

An object...

that's of great importance.

- I'm very... - This ?

How's this possible ?

Where...

Where did you find it ?

I saw it when you got out of the taxi.

I came back, but you had gone.

- The ring's there too ! - Of course.

You really are an angel. I need to thank you.

How can I thank you ? Can I invite you to dinner ?

The future owner of that ring may not like that.

What owner ? Oh, no... This ring isn't mine.

- It's not ? - It belongs to a friend.

I picked it up for him, it's his engagement ring.

That's why it was so important, you see ?

Thank goodness I found it !

Exactly. So ?

- So... ? - Can I take you out to dinner ?

Sorry, I'm making you feel awkward.

We've onlyjust met, I'm being too forward.

I got carried away.

- Yes. - People push me to do things...

Yes ! I'll have dinner with you.

- Really ? - Yes.

How come ?

- My compliments, it's a lovely office. - Thank you.

- Good morning. - Battista ! You're here at last.

Miss Federica wanted to know ifwe brought the records.

What records ? Albums ? LPs ?

He loves to joke, this wretched pleb !

- This... pleb ? - The land registry records.

- Is there a problem ? - The land registry records.

- Would you like a drink ? - Thanks, I'll have a Chinotto.

- And you Battista ? - My name's Vincenzo !

I can't remember the names of all my staff.

There are hundreds of them.

To avoid mistakes, I call them all Battista.

- Okay. So, just a Chinotto ? - Yes, thanks.

- Did I miss something ? - The lady's misunderstood.

She saw you driving and thinks I'm Mr Ludovisi.

- So I'm the chauffeur ? - I thought it best to leave it.

- Keep it under your hat. - What do you mean ?

- That we'll keep the truth hidden. - I get it !

It's a classic Pirandellian situation, I'm loving this...

- This is killing me. - You don't understand.

What's the house like ?

- We sent you an email. - Yes, that's right.

- Shut up ! - Well, you can tell me.

- It's in the email. - That's right !

- You're staff, be quiet. - Sorry, sir. Go ahead.

I will.

- Well ? - It's a wonderful house.

Don't go overboard...

Located on a slight slope in Posillipo.

- A slope, in Posillipo ? - Sort of !

It's so slight, it's invisible !

Plus there are underground chambers.

Really ?

An outcrop.

- It's a medieval house. - He loves old things.

- How big is it ? - How big...

- 1 ,200 square metres. - Wow !

- Napoleonic ! - I was surprised too.

I was amazed.

For me, it's a bit small, I feel suffocated.

That can happen...

What else can I say ?

I'm going to kill you...

- The pool, sir. - A pool like this.

- Round. - Round.

It's shallow, ifyou dive in, you'd bang your head.

It's hot, there's a sauna with a Turkish bath. That's it.

Thank God !

That's odd, the email I received described an apartment

which is 120 square metres.

in the centre, top floor, overlooking Piazza Plebiscito.

I see what this idiot's done.

He sent you the information of my annexe.

Oh, it's an annexe ? I'm not good with...

Send me another email with the details of the right house then.

- Let's do this, miss... - Madam.

- Madam Federica ! - Okay.

Ifyou'd like to have dinner with me one evening,

we can discuss it properly.

I'd love to.

- She said yes ? - Without hesitation.

He's moved in.

Get off the exercise bike !

Federica accepted his invite just like that ?

- Yes ! - But she's a real...

- Floosie ! - Slow down.

No, she's a real floosie !

- You think so ? - I was very convincing.

Not only did he swap roles, but she accepted his dinner invite.

Thanks to my "physique du role" !

You really think Federica could fall for someone like him ?

Hold on, are you doubting my character

or the real me ?

I may not be a hit as Mr Ludovisi,

but asAlberto Giorgiazzi, I make women go crazy.

Especially after they meet you !

I think it's best that we stick to the plan.

Alberto, in the role of Mr Ludovisi,

will make Federica fall in love then dump her.

But, my dear friends,

the staging, the distribution of roles, is the most delicate part.

If any of the roles are wrong, it won't be credible.

I think I am

more naturally suited than him for the role...

of a powerful man. - We know that.

This misunderstanding doesn't jeopardise things but it facilitates

the actualization ofyour plan.

We know that !

So if I'm going from being the chauffeur to Mr Ludovisi,

I think that 200 euros a week,

which I presume are gross,

are a real insult, and I'm not a finicky type.

All this to ask for money ?

Just out of curiosity... is it gross ?

Don't you know yet ?

Okay, at this point you can discuss it with my agent.

- You have an agent ? - Of course.

- Can't we hire a real chauffeur ? - How can we ?

- It's simple ! - Federica thinks he's Mr Ludovisi.

You signed me up, you have to use me.

He's even blackmailing us.

On my conditions, otherwise it's bye bye !

Where are you going ? Come back !

- Let's not overreact. - Exactly. Apologize.

- Come on, Alberto ! Please. - Say sorry.

- Goddammit... sorry. - You're not convincing enough.

- I'm sorry. - You say sorry too.

- Sorry. - It's all right.

Is that it ? You believed him right away.

- Immediately. - He's prejudiced !

I want 10% of this operation.

We're not dividing the booty.

- I want 10% of my pay. - Oh, ofyour pay.

- Twenty euros. Come on ! - No !

10% of the pay for the whole period.

- We don't know how long it'll be. - I'll take that risk.

Paolo, please, give him 200 euros.

- Why me ? - Well, I don't keep cash at home.

Right.

Wait... I've only got 50 euros...

- Give it here ! It's more than I have. - My goodness !

- Is this including expenses ? - What expenses ?

- Where will I sleep ? - At your house.

But I have to step into the character's shoes.

Step into your house instead.

I'm pleased, a decent suit at last.

After all, to get off to a good start, a dinner invite really calls for

a pinstripe suit, even though the pinstripes are a bit too thin,

too close, they make me look shorter.

- It's the pinstripes' fault ? - I think so.

I think a pinstripe suit is too much for a pizzeria.

- A restaurant would have been better. - No !

You would have looked ostentatious.

Those with real wealth aren't. Poor men say:

"I'll take you to a top restaurant." Rich guys say:

"I'll take you to a pizzeria. Local food, cheap and cheerful".

Don't you agree ?

If a rich guy's hungry, he'd go to a flash restaurant too.

Rich guys don't get hungry.

Don't forget, I'm an actor, I've studied acting...

..and I won the Golden Corn. - The Golden Corn ! My God !

- Shut up, she's here ! - Here I am !

- How are you, Madam Federica ? - Good evening.

- Call me Federica. - May I ?

- Of course. - Aflying start !

- Where are we going ? - To a pizzeria...

What ?

I made a mistake !

- So where ? - That wretch ! Come on.

- Sir. - After you.

To the pizzeria then ?

Favourite film, "Cocoon".

Favourite food, berries, greens, roots.

Favourite book, "Lolita"...

- Hi. - Hi.

- How are you ? - Fine, and you ?

Fine.

Before it was Vivaldi, now it's Pino. You know we like the same music ?

Really ? What a coincidence !

I heard him play live once.

- When ? - In 19...

'93 ?

In Cava ?

Cava de' Tirreni ?

I don't believe it. I was there too.

That was the first ever concert I went to.

Remember those girls with that huge banner ?

- What did it say ? - "You're... gorgeous."

My goodness ! What a crowd !

Pino was fantastic, remember ?

Yes... Listen, I booked this quiet little restaurant,

nothing glamorous...

it's called "Turnip Heads".

- Sorry, what's the name? - "Turnip Heads". Is that okay ?

That's my favourite restaurant too.

To hell with the diet today.

Mixed fried starters, are they to share ?

- Pizzas to follow, okay ? - Yes, thanks.

- Do you like this place ? - It's very nice.

But warn me next time, I'll wearjeans.

Sometimes I like to venture into a more vernacular setting.

A successful man should never forget where he's from.

- Where are you from ? - Where am I from ?

- Don't you know ? - No.

I'll explain later. Cheers !

Oh God. No !

What's wrong ?

Now what'll we do ?

Well, I have to take you home. We'll do this another night.

- Why ? - I forgot to bring my wallet.

- I live miles away. - I've got money, don't worry.

No, are you kidding ?

- Don't worry, Paolo. - No, what'll we say...

To who ?

I can't do this, no !

I won't tell anyone.

Wait a minute.

I've got another idea.

- Come with me. - Where ?

This way.

When will you show me your villa ?

- What villa ? - Your villa !

Oh, the villa ! I'd forgotten. We're still looking for one.

- What do you mean ? - I was joking.

All in good time.

Maybe we could discuss things together

over dinner again, another evening, like tonight.

- Can I ask you something ? - Sure, go ahead.

A man like you, who is so important and powerful...

don't you have a girlfriend ?

I thought you might ask me that.

My role is a difficult one, entailing great sacrifices.

- Playing the role of a man... - "Playing the role..." ?

I mean... Playing the role of...

I think life is like a big stage

where everyone plays a role.

My role as a rich and powerful man is a tricky one

because I'm becoming distrustful.

I never know if a woman truly loves me

orjust my money.

- That must be awful ! - You can't imagine, Federica.

I feel that you're a very sincere person.

Who told you that ?

My intuition. I think you and I could have a good relationship.

- You said you were distrustful. - Yes.

But sometimes I just know.

- I think you have a great personality. - What makes you think that ?

What makes me think that ?

I don't know,

but you're not at all how they describe you.

How who describes me ?

Listen, you're lovely, but you ask too many questions.

My goodness, I'm bursting ! I've held it in for five hours !

How do chauffeurs do this job ?

That's Vincenzo !

- Vincenzo ! - Did you say "Vincenzo" ?

- Come and meet him. - My goodness !

- No, I know him. - Why are they are ?

- How do you know him ? - No, I mean... I don't know him.

That's why I want you to meet him, he's my ex.

- Maybe he'll get mad. - Why ?

Because we're not at the restaurant.

Why would he care ? Come on.

- What's up ? - Hi.

- Good evening. - You look so smart.

Yes...

- I went to a wedding. - Did she get married ?

- Who ? - Did who get married ?

Do we know each other ?

- Who's he ? - Afriend.

Hello...

- Why are you here ? - We forgot our wallet.

You forgot it.

Anyway, Paolo meet Vincenzo.

- It's your first date, right ? - How did you know ?

The sandwiches. You're a vegetarian !

No, I've done my homework.

The ham one's mine,

yours is with turkey !

I'd better go. I need to finish a job, excuse me.

Bye.

- Bye. - Fuck off !

- He looked a bit tense. - Why do you think ?

Maybe it's seeing me with another man.

Well, okay...

- Here you are. - Thanks.

Enjoy.

And this is for you.

- Corn on the cob ? - The pizza chef sent it.

- To me ? - And this too.

"Seeing you won the Golden..."

..Corn.

You know where you can stick it."

The pizza chef sent it ?

And you brought it to me ?

Mr Pizza Chef, we didn't order any corn on the cob.

Why, are you offended ?

You're a total dickhead !

- Do you know him ? - No, I don't think so.

Don't you like your Corn anymore ?

- What's he saying ? - I don't know.

- Who's that scruffbag ? - Did he call me a "scruffbag" ?

- No ! - I see. You've dumped Carmela...

..and hooked up with her ! - I don't understand.

- Do something ! - He's the entertainer.

Entertainer my ass !

Did you give her the forbidden fruit ?

We don't eat fruit. Give us the bill.

The bill ? He's pretending he doesn't know me !

What a coward ! Come back, I'll show you !

I'm mortified by how the evening's gone.

Don't worry !

You know, when folklore becomes terrorism...

the only thing you can do is run.

- He was crazy. - I'm sorry you didn't get to eat.

No, it's okay, I've still not digested that fried food. It hurts here.

- Here ? - Yes, it hurts...

Here ?

- Oops ! - What's up ?

- It looked like an oil stain. - Isn't it ?

- It was a shadow. - What a shame !

Well, thank you. Goodnight.

Bye.

- Alberto, I need a wee ! - Now ?

- I'm bursting. - We have to go.

- Let me wee ! - I'll come too.

- Do you need one too ? - I don't know.

Well ?

What's wrong ?

The worst first date ever !

Why ?

It was a great date, nothing's ever perfect.

No ?

You know you really made me laugh ?

Bye.

Is that a good thing ?

Bye.

I'm just sorry no one's seeing me.

That's a good thing, we're weeing !

Not here... I meant at the theatre.

- Who do you want to see you ? - Maybe WoodyAllen...

He'd laugh his head off !

- You've already finished ? - We've been here ten minutes !

You didn't even need to go.

What with all the stress, and my prostate.

Are you putting a lock on it ?

- Do you have a mastiff in there ? - Don't you ever shut up ?

- Paolo ! - What is it ?

It's a call for you.

- Who is it ? - Your teacher.

- My teacher ? - Yes...

He said: "Is your son in ?" I said: "I'll put him on."

Hello ?

Why are you sleeping ?

- Why ? What time is it ? - lt's a quarter past six !

How can you sleep after what you did to me last night ?

- What did I do ? - You almost ruined everything !

Your date with Sara !

You have to stick to the plan, or it won't work.

So what's today's plan ?

What's the first thing you need to buy today ?

- Milk ? - What for, your cornflakes ?

Not milk, but flowers for Sara !

Don't forget your money, get a nice bunch offlowers.

He's gone back to sleep.

Make sure they're not yellow.

Alberto, don't go overboard. Itjust has to be a little thought.

- What's my budget ? - Around 200, 250 euros.

- Including VAT ? - It's not an invoice !

- That's not enough. - How much did you think ?

- Five or six thousand. - You're nuts !

- I'm a nobleman. - Who cares ? It's my money !

- That's not my problem. - Exactly. So do as you're told.

There's no need to show off.

Poor folk boast about how much they spend.

They say: "My goodness, I spent so much !"

Rich people say: "It was nothing."

Poor people say: "I spent loads !" Rich people say: "It's nothing".

- Do you always talk to yourself ? - It's a mind-set.

You don't always need to spend money.

Rich people say: "It's nothing".

Poor people say: "My goodness, I spent so much !"

I'm an actor, don't teach me how to do voices.

All right, I won't...

but you're not taking my money, okay ?

It's my money, I call the shots.

A little thought. What will you say ?

- My goodness, it's nothing. - No, you mixed things up.

Be the rich man who doesn't boast. "It's nothing".

Not: "I spent so much !". Try again.

- I spent so much ! - Come on, you're an actor !

- Leave it to me ! - You call yourself an actor !

- I know what I'm doing ! - That's what worried me.

Don't let me down.

There you go !

- So, what do you think ? - It's beautiful.

But it's not me who has to like it.

Who then ?

- Why, is it for me ? - Of course.

- Are you nuts ? - Maybe.

- I can't accept it. - Go on.

Madam, could you have "Federica" engraved on it ?

That too ?

- That'll be no problem. - Thanks.

My chauffeur will pay for it.

My goodness ! We've spent so much, sir !

It's nothing, Battista.

- Like it's his money. - It's not my problem, madam.

I think it is, because when we go out, he'll get hurt.

My goodness, what a miser ! I'm still waiting for 200 euros.

- Shall I slap you with it ? - Gross !

After tax !

Thank you. It's beautiful.

Cherie !

Paolo, fill me in. Did you get her favourite DVD ?

Yes, "Platoon" !

- "Cocoon" ! - I almost had a heart attack !

- Did she like the Lebanese food ? - Yes.

- With all those spices... - I got a stomach ache.

- Did she like it ? - Yes, but I didn't.

I'm not surprised. What else ?

Anything reallyjuicy ?

Did you do anything fun ?

- Yes, I took her to a karaoke bar. - But she hates karaoke.

- Does she ? - It's too cheerful.

Where's my coffee, please ?

I don't think so.

Look at your face !

But... how is she ?

Alberto wanted to be a true gentleman

and buy her a piece ofjewellery. So who paid for it ?

- What are you thinking about ? - Sorry ?

Where's my coffee ?

- Do you have a dog ? - It's not mine. I'll explain later.

- Why did you bring me to Pozzuoli ? - I know this girl.

A promising star, she's very talented.

What do I care ?

Listen, Mr Ludovisi wouldn't have just one member of staff.

He needs an assistant and a secretary.

- An entire platoon ! - Do you want to do everything ?

- What's your point ? - She could be my secretary.

- Ludovisi doesn't make his own calls. - All this for a phone call ?

Not only for that. That's why I hired a dog.

- You hired a dog ? - No, he's an actor !

Ludovisi can't be alone, he needs a dog.

- Why, is he blind ? - No, he's an extra.

- Good morning. - Maestro !

- Maestro ? - What do you think ?

- The colour's a bit... - I'm talking about the girl.

Very pretty.

- Are you ready ? - I'm raring to go !

- Who are you ? - Mr Lutovisi's secretary.

No, Ludovisi, with a D.

- Eh, Lutovisi ! - Not again !

She's taking elocution lessons, she's working on her consonants.

She's got a long way to go !

Let's run through it. Let him hear

how you dial the number for Madam Federica's office.

- Madam Federica ! - Is she a receptionist ?

She's good, she studied mime.

To dial a number ?

- I'll put you through to Mr Lutovisi. - Dovisi !

- Not again ! - She's great !

- 'old the line ! - Wow, I've got goose bumps !

She struggles with the H, but she'll amaze you.

- I'm already amazed ! - Take the dog.

- Acting has always been my dream. - Make sure it stays that way !

- They say I'm good too ! - Tell me, who says that ?

Yes, everyone's pushing me to continue.

Let's hope they push you when you reach the top, so...

Bye, my dear.

All done.

Maestro, unfortunately Room 32 isn't available today.

- Do you mind having Room 6 ? - Of course I do.

From the third to the first floor ? That's a serious fall !

He's a fallen God !

My dad wanted to know who was in Room 32.

Doesn't her father know ?

- I'll explain later. - And he wanted the money.

- Aren't you paying ? - I'll explain later !

- I said it was empty. - Good ! Don't ever forget that.

So ifyou want Room 32, you have to pay for it.

How kind ! She's so caring.

What a sweetie. Okay, I'll change room.

The magic word ! You've just been downgraded.

I'll explain later.

Alessandro, seeing you're an art buff...

in terms of art, what exactly does this piece represent ?

These are all scales.

It's the evaluation of life playing chess with the weight

of human existence. There's a winner and a loser.

There's the ideal weight, as you see, upright...

who's tipping the scales correctly and then the supine ideal weight...

who's busted all the scales.

What did I say ?

I didn't say anything.

I didn't mean you.

I was talking about your colleague.

You've got a strand of hair here.

- What's happened ? - Holy cow !

- What's wrong ? - I don't like it here. Let's go.

Sorry, I'm double-parked...

Can I weigh myselffully-dressed too ?

Goodbye.

Slate in the kitchen is okay.

- What's this ? - It's a fan.

- So small ? It's a fanny then. - Very funny !

- What's his name ? - Paolo.

- Paolo ! - Paoletto !

- Paoletto ? How old is he ? - 45.

- 45 ? - He looks older, doesn't he ?

No ! He's 45 and called Paoletto ?

Where's he going ?

No, no ! Don't touch anything. Stop !

- They were messed up. - No, you're messed up !

So, Paolo, what do you think ? I don't think it's right.

There's not enough light, it's claustrophobic.

Mr Ludovisi needs something more flashy.

This is like a bachelor pad.

Hello ?

Hello ? Yes.

Yes, I can hear you now.

The contracts will be exchanged at 18:00...

Where have they gone ?

At 18:00.

I have to go.

Go easy ! Or Gianni will hit the roof !

It's too soft.

You're only lifting one kilo !

Paoletto, stop it !

This is no good, I need something bigger.

I don't have anything bigger.

How did you feel when your wifeAnna left you ?

Maybe I do.

Paolo, I've got great news !

Gianni just called me.

He said that the villa in Posillipo is available.

The owners, theAmericans, come and go.

- So it's empty tomorrow night. - So what's the plan ?

You'll call Federica and invite her to dinner.

No, I'm not calling anyone.

Simona, my secretary, will call her.

Simona will call Federica on Mr Ludovisi's behalf.

I'll show her the villa that she'll be working on.

These are too many instructions, I'd rather improvise.

I'm giving them to you, because this is my plan,

it's my game.

I'm laughing because you're very precise in terms of theory,

unlike in the administrative side of things.

- Paolo, please, pay him ! - Yes... Hold on, why me ?

You pay for the small expenses, I pay for the big ones.

The car, the villa.

- But they're free. - But I got them from my friends.

Okay. Anyway, I don't have...

Don't you ever carry your wallet ? Okay, I'll pay.

- When ? - I'll go to the cashpoint.

Do you want another 50 ?

No, I've received 50 up to now.

- I want 150. - Okay.

Give me one reason why I should continue with this ridiculous farce.

- One: because you like Federica. - What ?

Two: because for the first time in your life

you'll be able to prove your so-called talent.

Whether I like her or not is irrelevant,

I don't need to prove anything. I've been acting for 27 years,

six months and one week, including this farce.

Do you want to add today's too ?

Listen, do you really like Federica ?

She's not bad. More importantly, she thinks I'm not bad.

- What ? - Paolo, it's all true.

- She's a floosie ! - Stop saying that !

Oh God !

The step !

Is everything okay ?

- Where's Ludovisi ? - He's waiting for us.

Are you all right ?

Really !

Sir, it's me.

- We're on our way. - To where ?

- To the agreed address. - But I'm in Pozzuoli.

I don't understand. Are you joking ?

- Do you know Lacchetta ? - Who ?

Great director, a brilliant modern storyteller.

He's doing Othello.

I have an audition with him that I can't miss.

But Madam Federica is here with me.

You're making me stressed and I need to be calm for my audition.

So do me this favour, take Federica to the villa,

and stay with her. I'll smash it then join you.

- l'll explain later. - Hello ?

- Is there a problem ? - The Shanghai stock market.

He'll be late because he has to close a deal before it shuts.

With all these windows, there's plenty of light.

- It's a huge house. - Do you like it ?

- Very much ! - You can have fun with this.

Well, to change the decor and make it look modern,

it'll take a lot of money.

Maybe we can do a quickjob !

Are you nuts ? You want to foil my plan ?

- The Germans are here. - Has another war broken out ?

- The Americans ! - Against the Germans ?

No ! TheAmerican owners ofthe villa,

rented a suite to some Germans.

Why ? Is this a hotel ?

No, they rent it out when they're not here.

- What misers ! - What do you care ?

- You find the Filipinos. - To fight the Germans ? We'll lose !

No ! The Filipino staff. You need to pay them.

- That as well ? - Of course, they'll serve you dinner.

Go upstairs !

I'm upstairs.

- Where's the pool ? - I was looking for it.

- Upstairs ? - Well, those NewYork-style pools...

- Do you know this house ? - Like the inside of my pockets !

Maybe the pool is in the garden !

- Just out here. There. - What a lovely pool !

- Who are those people ? - The Germans.

Mr Ludovisi's guests.

- They're completely naked. - You can spot Germans a mile away !

We're Italian, we don't speak German.

Do you speak German ? How come ?

I need to speak many languages for my work.

Lucky me ! You speak German...

What did you say to her ?

She said she's never met Mr Ludovisi.

How strange !

She said the villa's owner is called Brown.

Brown ?

I know what's happened. Mr Ludovisi is a financial genius.

He's obviously used a different name for tax purposes.

It shouldn't really be done, but...

But she said she paid for the suite.

In such few words ? German is so concise !

We'd better go. They're getting out, we'll see even more of them...

- Where are you taking me ? - I don't remember where...

- These boats are all the same. - No, one's white, one's blue...

I meant size-wise. I don't remember where I put...

- Slowly, I'm wearing heels. - That doesn't matter !

- What do you mean ? - Here it is !

Here it is.

No ! 22 Fiano di Avellino, Villa Raiano ?

- It's my favourite wine ! - I know. You see ?

- It's another coincidence. - Yes, it's the chaos theory.

Meaning ?

When there's a tornado in Brazil...

a butterfly flaps its wings.

No ! That's not right !

- That's not right ! - No.

Aflap of a butterfly's wings in Brazil

sets off a tornado on the other side of the world.

- What did I say ? - Something else.

- Whatever. Cheers. - Trust me !

- Really ? - Yes.

It's a matter of perspective.

Look at the constellations...

Look.

We see them as having geometric shapes.

But ifyou were there, they'd look different.

It's called "asterism". I'll give you an example.

If someone looked at us from over there...

they'd think we're together.

- But ? - Well, we're not.

How about now ?

Now we are.

- Not like the stars. - No !

- All this wine on an empty stomach... - My goodness, stop nagging !

- It's not good for you. - Loosen up, take offyourjacket.

May I ? I was being polite.

My goodness !

No, no wine for me.

Why don't you have some food while we're waiting ?

- Vincenzo... - Yes.

- That's me. - Vincenzo.

- Don't you recognise me ? - Come on, have some wine !

- Did you call me Vincenzo ? - Yes.

That's the wine talking !

It's hot ! I don't know, the waiting...

Let's take a walk in the garden, come on.

- Have you got a girlfriend ? - No, we recently split up.

- Me too. - I know.

- How do you know ? - No, I meant it as an expression...

like "I can imagine".

His name's Paolo.

- Do you know him ? - No !

You pulled a face...

I was thinking if I knew anyone called Paolo...

- Paolo Lubrano ? - D'Ambrosio.

- Scamardella ? - D'Ambrosio.

No then.

Why did you split up ?

Paolo isn't an ambitious man.

He still lives at home with his dad. What a shame !

He's a very talented IT expert.

- His father ? - Paolo !

But he's not ambitious, he didn't invent the iPhone.

Right !

Whereas you like ambitious men.

Who do you expect me to like ?

Poor men, underdogs, or losers ?

- Ignorant men ? - Who ?

No, I meant that's the reason why you like Mr Ludovisi,

because he's a powerful man.

I like ambitious men, but I'm not blind !

Lower your voice, in case he shows up.

- You don't like Mr Ludovisi ? - No.

But the villa, the limousine...

Here he is !

Here I am ! I do apologize for my unforgivable lateness,

but I've had a terrible day.

I've noticed there are two Germans in the house. Do you know them ?

- The nudists ! - They're your guests, sir.

- Nudists ? - They were naked in the pool.

- I didn't know. - Neither did ! !

You have a wonderful house.

It's nice. Small, but cosy.

Excuse me, I need the restroom.

The Filipino is...

- Just one ? I have an army of them ! - Don't overdo it.

- Ask me how the audition went. - No...

- I knocked their socks off. - Congratulations...

Lacchetta, the director, a very cultured man...

Just to give you an idea, 50, 60, 70% ofwhat he said...

was like Chinese to me.

Listen ! I found out something really serious.

Federica doesn't give a toss about you.

You're using this vulgar expression...

to tell me she doesn't like me ?

No, she doesn't give a toss about you.

- Again ? - Sorry, but that's the truth.

- You're jealous. - About what ?

You must be.

You're jealous of my change of character, of my great acting skills.

- And what's more... - You're a bighead.

You'd love for me to pull out of this farce.

- It's not a farce. - This travesty.

No, I already told you. Listen to me !

I don't want you to pull out, quite the opposite.

Ifyou pull out, Paolo will pull out too.

If he stops wooing Sara, Sara won't fall in love.

Then he won't be able to dump her. And if he doesn't, she won't suffer.

I want revenge. Do you understand ?

You want me to continue wooing a woman who doesn't like me ?

- Exactly. - There's no romanticism. I can't.

Who gives a shit ! We need Paolo to think everything's fine here.

- I can't do that. - Why ?

I'd need to re-study my dramatic interpretation.

- Come on... - I don't have the time to do it.

Alberto, please ! I've spent loads of money !

- Rehearsals for Othello start tomorrow. - So what ?

- We're opening in five days' time. - After five days of rehearsal ?

- For Othello ? - It's an abridged version.

You can say that again !

Sorry, I don't feel very well. I'd like to go home.

- Hasn't she had dinner ? - She had a lot to drink. Let's go.

Remember what I said.

We're coming.

What a mess !

You've fallen in love.

Look at the state ofyou !

You've fallen in love...

No... maybe not.

What are you saying ? Look at yourself.

Now what ?

Now what...

What the fuck will you do ? You're in the shit.

What will you do ?

Go and tell Vincenzo the truth.

Paolo ! Where did you get to ? I've been calling you all day.

- It's been a terrible day. - Come in.

- May I ? - Of course !

Listen, Vincenzo... I've got something important to tell you.

Listen carefully.

It's best to be honest between friends.

Right...

Are you by any chance falling in love with Federica ?

Because, if that's the case, tell me.

We can sort things out.

What are you saying ? Are you drunk ?

- Alberto is the one wooing Federica. - It's Alberto, of course !

Of course. You got off lightly.

What do you mean ?

That you don't have to get involved.

It'sAlberto that has to do that.

IsAlberto's involved ?

You know, I was pessimistic aboutAlberto.

But I think he's doing a fine job.

I'm not promising anything, but I think Federica will give in soon.

And when she's ripe and ready...

- We'll eat her. - Yes, we'll put her out of her misery.

But tell me, how are things with you ?

Nice.

Listen, did Alberto...

sleep with Federica ?

Are you kidding ? I'd have told you !

Of course.

- Why, did you sleep with Sara ? - Me ? No ! Why ?

When ? I came to ask you...

ifyou think that before dumping her, I should sleep with her.

No.

Are you sure ? I mean, to really win her over...

before dumping her, so...

There's no need, because if she accepted to sleep with you,

that'd mean she's fallen in love, so you'd have to dump her.

Right. So I mustn't sleep with her !

- Also because you'd get mad. - Paolo, what are you saying ?

You see, you're getting mad.

- Did you sleep with Sara ? - No, no, no !

- The mirror told me too. - Are you Snow White now ?

I looked in the mirror and asked myself:

What would be the point of sleeping with her ? None.

- It'd be of no use. - Exactly ! There's no need.

You mustn't give her this satisfaction.

No, they must never see our bodies again !

Let me hear your macho voice !

Let me hear it !

- Friends ! - Let me hear your macho voice !

Is this a good thing ?

Did you...

leave her ?

Question mark, exclamation mark.

- Excuse me a minute. - Excuse me.

Yes ?

Kiss me here...

Go.

Sorry.

Vincenzo, why are you here ?

I'm waiting for you.

Luckily your dad let me in. Where were you ?

- Why ? - I've been calling you for days.

- Really ? - Yes, just now too.

I didn't see your calls.

- Has something happened ? - No. Why ?

What do you mean "why " ?

I've not had news about you and Sara for days. How's it going ?

- I was going to call you. - Tell me.

- Well... - Is it good news ?

- Unfortunately not. - Why ?

Because she's been acting strange for the past few days.

Maybe she's fallen in love.

Not strange in that way. She's cold towards me, distant.

She's irritable.

It's Sara.

Sara ? Now ?

Let's go.

- Answer. - No. She might see us.

- On the phone ? - No, you're right.

- Answer it. - Shall I ?

- Put her on loudspeaker. - No, it's not working...

- Hello ? - Hi, how are you ?

Fine ! Fine, fine.

Well, goodnight.

What ? Are you kidding ?

Yes, I was kidding.

Seems sweet.

Well ?

Seems sweet.

What are you talking about ?

Has something happened ?

No, I mean, everything seems...

it seems really sweet.

- Between us. - Ah, good.

- How are you ? - Look, it's been an awful day.

Work was really stressful.

- l can't stand the people there. - I'm sorry.

She's the one who's a stressbag !

Can I do anything ?

No... You'd have to change the world.

lncompetent people, with friends in the right places.

All they can do is criticize. They drive me nuts.

She loves to moan.

- Can I do anything ? - What are you up to ?

- I'll come pick you up. - Paolo, can you hear me ?

Shall I pick you up ?

No, l'll shower then go to bed, l'm calling it a day.

l can't wait to lie down and sleep until tomorrow morning.

What does that mean ?

Okay. Well... bye.

Bye.

- Goodnight. - Hey...

l love you.

- Way to go ! - What ?

I knew this'd happen ! What a brilliant plan.

- Why ? - She said "I love you".

Did she say that ?

- Didn't you hear ? - No.

- You didn't hear... - No, she said "I'll call you" !

- She said "I love you". - "I'll call you"...

She said "I love you" ! I heard her perfectly well.

Dad, what do you know ? You're deaf.

You're right, I'm deaf. But not when love calls. Coward !

No luck. He's not answered for four days.

Mr Ludovisi ! Don'tjust gawp at me !

Last week his secretary called me from a landline.

Come on ! Find it for me !

- Stella Guest House ! - Sorry, wrong number.

Is that 081-234871 ?

- Yes. - ls that Mr Ludovisi's office ?

Alberto !

No, Alessandro.

The man who plays the character of Alberto, MrAlessandro Lutovisi.

The character ? What character ?

Alberto is an actor.

He's starring in Othello tonight.

- l'm playing Desdemona. - Where ?

Oh, my lord, why do thou accuse me of betraying you ?

Be quiet, Desdemona !

That handkerchief that I gave thee,

thou gav'st to Cassio.

- Cassio ? - Cassio ! Cassio.

Who else if not Cassio ?

To hell with Cassio ! Now what ?

Don't say that name, you're wrong.

I want to know why you're here !

- Oh, Desdemona ! Desdemona ! - What's going on ?

Oh, my lord, what is 'appening ?

Pronounce the H. Confess, my dead, confess thy sin.

I do not know 'ow !

Be quiet then, my dear.

I 'ave nothing to confess.

So shut up then, trollop !

Let us talk in more private quarters, my dear damsel.

I'm staying right here.

- Drown me ! - Be quiet, trollop !

Oh, cruel destiny !

Testing us daily with these unforeseen events.

- I'm waiting. - Give me time to explain. Come here.

- Drown me ! - Shut your mouth !

- Well ? - I'm an actor...

..my chauffeur hired me. - What chauffeur ?

Vincenzo. He was supposed to be me but then he became the chauffeur.

- But... - Oh, my lord !

Be quiet, Desdemona !

- Well ? - I'll confess.

I had to make you fall in love then dump you.

- Who ? - Me.

- You ? - This was scripted.

- By who ? - Paolo and Vincenzo.

Listen... Sir, I await !

Will you be quiet ? Not again, trollop !

Give me two minutes on stage, I'll drown her then explain.

Explain it now or I'll kill both you and Desdemona !

Enough ! What am I doing here ? Not only do I give you free rooms,

now this dumb cow arrives and takes my place !

- Hey ! - I told you to be quiet !

Who's a dumb cow ? I'll squash you on this stage like a flea !

- The power of destiny ! - Be quiet, you !

The power of destiny !

I am an actor. I am... an actor !

- I'm not involved. - Curtains !

I'm a famous actor !

I won the Golden Corn

for best extra

in Italian cinema !

- How are you ? - Oh, Holy Mary !

Miss... I mean, Federica. Why are you here ?

Cut it out, idiot. Alberto told me everything.

- Where are you going ? - To talk to that other idiot.

- Wait, what do you want to say ? - You're a pair of retards.

- Lower your voice. - How old are you ?

50 ! And you're still behaving like kids ?

- Have you got fuck all to do ? - Don't shout, people will hear us.

Does it look like he's dumping her ?

Of course.

That's the plan: make her fall in love then dump her.

- Does he know you're here ? - No, it's a surprise. Why ?

Send him a text. Ask him how it's going.

Let's see if he's honest.

You mean, you think...

Are you kidding ? We're thick as thieves...

- Go on. - We put female solidarity to shame !

He's received it.

He's answering in secret so she won't get suspicious.

- What a bastard ! - Why ?

- He's deeply in love. - Nonsense !

Look here ! Can you read ?

"I dumped her, she's crying.

Ha-ha-ha !"

With a H, because that's our slogan from the night we met.

Look.

- I know it doesn't look like... - She's laughing.

- No, it's just nervous laughter... - They're French kissing !

- A kiss ! - Theyjust brushed lips.

- It was to console her. - He's using his tongue !

- Nonsense ! - They're frenching.

What ? Is that a foreign word ?

- Forget it ! - Frenching...

- Hi, I'm Federica. - Hi. Sara.

..to dump you and make you suffer. Just take a look down there.

Look who's down there.

I'm sorry, I had to tell you.

I don't believe it.

- No, I wasn't going to do it... - Shut up !

I feel sorry for you.

Paolo, please, open the door !

Have some breakfast.

You've not eaten for a week, you'll get ill.

Paolo, answer me.

Will you eat, yes or no ?

A biscuit at least !

You're in love.

When I met your mother, I stopped eating too.

I lost my appetite. But now eat something.

Are you in love ?

Giulia, have the Mirones sent through their deposit ?

One moment.

Good morning.

- We need to talk. - Let's go outside.

There's something I've been thinking about for the past month.

- Still ? - His gaze.

- How long have you known Paolo ? - I've onlyjust met him.

We were together for three years

and I've never seen that look.

The look of a man who's truly fallen in love, for the first time.

He shouldn't have.

That evening, at the restaurant...

I realised that Sara succeeded where I had failed.

To give him the strength to love.

Because he was scared.

Now we have to do the right thing.

Hello, Paolo ? It'sAlberto. How are you ?

It's been ages since we spoke. How are you ?

Everything's fine, thanks. Listen, Vincenzo wants to talk to you.

Yes. Shall we meet tonight outside your house ?

Okay.

All right. See you later.

Bye.

What do you want to say ?

Sara, you don't need to prove anything to me.

- I just came here... - To talk to me about Paolo. Go on.

I think it would do you good

to hear what he has to say.

There's just one small problem, Vincenzo.

I don't believe a word he says.

Small problem ?

Great solution !

- Hi, Alberto. - Hi, Paolo.

Well ?

Go ahead.

Aren't you going to apologize ?

It's been over a month, I tried getting in touch

but you've never answered.

Maybe it's for the best because I don't need to say I'm sorry.

Sorry for what ?

What did I do to you ?

You betrayed me.

I don't owe you anything. We're not friends.

That's the truth.

We met out of despair.

And you offloaded your anxieties onto me,

your resentment, you involved us in your plan.

And I went along with you like a fool, because I was so down in the dumps.

I acted wrongly, but not with you. With Sara.

She's the only good thing that came out of this story and I...

managed to lose her.

Now I feel even worse than before.

And you expect me to say I'm sorry ?

What for ?

For falling in love ?

Have you ever fallen in love for real ?

It'd never happened to me before.

You know how it makes you feel ?

Hey !

You know how it makes you feel ?

How does it make you feel ?

It makes you feel... blind.

Is that a good thing ?

Good on you.

Yes, good on you.

Good on you, Paoletto.

I'm really pleased.

Yes.

What was that ?

Dammit !

- Shall we make a toast ? - My feet hurt.

- I've been wearing heels all day. - You're so unromantic !

It's hard work acting like a vamp !

- Is she a vamp ? - She tried to be.

Cheers !

Listen, can you give me a lift to Pozzuoli ?

I left my car with Paolo. Are you retiring ?

- Yes. - From your career ?

No, he's retiring to his room at the guesthouse.

By the way, they've moved me to the fourth floor.

- Are you pleased ? - No, the lift's out of order.

How sad ! So, shall we have this toast ?

I don't want to spoil the magic but I've only been paid 50 euros.

You expected more after the trouble you caused ?

- Can I keep my hat and gloves ? - You're scraping the barrel now !

Not as compensation. But work is scarce...

- You'll be a chauffeur ? - You never know.

Cheers !

I could've asked for the necklace.

Right, a chauffeur with a necklace ! I paid for it.

Do you want me to give it back ?

I didn't ask, but it would be a kind gesture.

Shall we have this toast ?

- How about some pasta at mine ? - Later !

First let's make a toast !

- What floor are you on ? - The first floor.

- I'm coming too then. - Okay, enough...

- Come on, try to understand ! - I'm hungry and tired.

In the end...

Watch out, it's a long way down !

Alberto !

HOW TO GET REVENGE ON YOUR EX