Original subtitles

[ Cheers and applause ] Good evening.

I'm George stephanopoulos, and the vibe we're going for tonight

is "poorly attended college lecture.

The folks asking questions are half pro-biden and half

anti-Trump, and somehow we've put all of them in the last row

of the balcony. How are you guys up there?

Huh? I have vertigo!

Great. And our guest of honor tonight

is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman Joe

biden. [ Cheers and applause ]

Hello! Hello, Philadelphia!

It's great to be here! Hey, that is Bobby Clark of the

1974-75 flyers? Mr. Vice president, Mr. Vice

president, please don't wander into the audience to greet

people. Sorry!

I'm just so excited to talk to America.

With real-life Americans. Hey, George!

Check it out! That's a dance for the kids on

tiktok. Okay.

Okay, Joe. Let's focus.

Now, are you ready for softball questions from folks who are

already voting for you? You bet your short pants I

am. This is going to be exciting,

George. I've given everybody in the

audience a glass of warm milk and a blanket.

Now who's ready to have some fun with facts and figures?

Whoo! The first question is from

Nicholas fenton, and he's a democrat.

Mr. Vice president, how would your response differ from the

horrible one from president Trump, who I hate?

Let's limit how many times you outright say you hate

President Trump during your questions.

Aww! Mr. Vice president, go ahead.

Okay. Now Nicholas -- where the hell

are you? Nicholas?

I'm up here! Huh?

Go ahead! Hey.

Yeah. Here's the deal.

Unlike the president, I actually have a plan.

Okay, great! What is it?

[ Laughter ] A plan is a detailed proposal

for doing or achieving something.

No, I mean, what's your plan? Oh, right.

Right. Well, let me start with a story.

Mixed with a complicated math problem.

[ Laughter ] If you have 3 million doses of

vaccine, and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10:00 A.M., what time

would it arrive in Washington? And please show your work.

Good evening, America. I am surprise bad-ass Savannah

Guthrie. [ Laughter ]

If you were angry at nbc for doing this town hall, let me get

a few questions in and I think you'll thank me.

Joining me tonight is president Donald Trump.

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you, serengeti, it's

great to be here. Even though -- woman.

[ Laughter ] We have lots of voters

to ask questions, but I'd like to start by tearing you a new

one. [ Laughter ]

Why won't you condemn white supremacy?

I do. I do condemn it.

I've always more or less condemned it.

What about q-anon? You mean the group that

thinks democrats are a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles,

and I'm their Messiah? I don't know anything about them

at all. Yes, you do, Mr. President.

I do know they're against pedophilia, and I agree with

that, if anyone's against pedophiles, it's me, the man who

was close, personal friends with one of the most famous

pedophiles on earth. Rest in power, Jeffrey.

[ Laughter and moans ] Okay -- what about the Aryan

brotherhood? They're very pro-family,

that's all I know. Kkk?

Your car breaks down, you call triple-k.

Last week you tweeted that osama bin laden is still alive.

I didn't tweet it, it was a retweet, which is short for

"really smart tweet." You can't just do things like

that, you're not someone's crazy uncle.

Really? Because this conversation we're

having is a preview of Thanksgiving dinner at a lot of

American households, so crazy uncles, stand back and stand by.

That brings us to 1939. [ Laughter ]

The year I went to the world fair.

And met the real Mickey mouse. Does that answer your question?

[ Laughter ] If you want to find me after the

town hall, we can talk some more.

Some more? Just to be clear, when was

the last time you tested negative?

There are so many tests, santana, I get tested all the

time. Okay, for COVID.

There are so many COVID, Savannah, COVID-12, COVID-14 --

were you tested for COVID-19 on the day of the debate --

there have been so many debates --

there was one f'ing debate. Now do you have any remaining

symptoms of COVID? No, I'm doing great.

Doctors say my lung is beautiful.

I have one beautiful lung now, which turned basically into

glass, so it's very strong. You didn't have pneumonia?

Had a small fever, it was around 100 celsius.

But I did great. [ Laughter ]

I never died. Never saw hell or the devil.

He never showed me a list of my sins.

I was just alive and strong the whole time.

Okay. I'm done with my initial

prostate exam. Our first question tonight is

from Jacqueline lugo. Hello, Mr. President!

Greetings from Miami -- no, no, different person.

Okay, let's go to our next question from Paulette Dale, and

I'm told she's horny. Yes.

Greetings, Mr. President. I have to say, you have a great

smile. He does!

Oh, just so handsome when you smile.

Come on, let me see those chompers.

Oh, there we go. You're so beautiful.

Now my question is about immigration.

My parents were both immigrants. So I want to know what you'll do

with the so-called dreamers. Where did your parents

emigrate from? They came from Mrs.

Maisel-vania. That's why you have to do

something. You can make a difference.

You can save this country. Joe, who are you talking to?

[ Laughter ] I'm talking to god, George.

Father, son, holy ghost, you're the team we love the most.

[ Laughter ] And that's why we're going to

have a v-shaped recovery, a deep v, rippling pecs and a toned

eight-pack. A swimmer's body, basically like

I have after COVID, and it'sing about -- it's going to be

beautiful! The question is, why won't

you release your taxes? Oh, that's simple, because I

don't want to go to jail. Thank you.

Our next question is from a pro-life millennial, so yikes,

good luck. My question is did you

nominate judge Barrett to strike down roe v. Wade?

Because that would be pretty chill of you.

That's a beautiful question, thank you.

I didn't tell Amy conan o'brien to vote any way on any issue.

Some people say very brilliant minds say roe v. Wade should be

overturned and burned in a trash can, like antifa is burning all

of my ballots because everyone knows the radical left are

trying to steal this election. They're taking down statues

which are full of Trump votes, that's where the people place

their votes, into the statues. Antifa is stealing them and

changing Trump to Kathy Griffin --

okay, I'm so sorry. [ Cheers and applause ]

I'm real sorry. This is the last place I want to

be. But somebody has to ask, what

the hell is happening with that woman back there?

[ Laughter ] Because I only nod that much

when a waiter asks if I'll be having mimosas at brunch.

So either that's Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered

the wrong Craigslist ad. Are you okay, miss?

Are you listening to music on tiny headphones?

I'm genuinely trying to understand what's happening.

Because if you're not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply

concerned for you, honey. She's probably just upset

that I didn't win the nobel prize.

Okay. I need to get out of here,

because this is some spooky-ass Jordan peele nonsense.

I just hope Joe's town hall is more inspiring than this.

♪ Let's make the most of this beautiful day ♪

♪ since we're together we might as well say ♪

♪ would you be mine could you be mine ♪

♪ won't you be my neighbor ♪ what do you say?

Will you be my neighbor, George? What?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm watching the Trump one.

They're really going at it. And now, Savannah is telling

him there's another question, but no, it was just a

distraction! Savannah Guthrie has a folding

chair! From the audience!

And Trump doesn't see it! Oh, the humanity!

♪♪♪ and you see each tree has its

own personality. Just like America.

Does that answer your question, Justin?

If I say yes, can I sit down? You betcha, buckaroo.

Both my legs are sleeping. Well, Mr. Vice president, I

believe we are about out of time.

So I'm going to ask you for your closing statement.

George, George, we have to restore sanity to the nation.

If elected, I promise I won't tweet once.

Because I don't know how. And I'll have exactly one

scandal. I will mistake Angela merkel for

my wife, from behind, and tell her she's got a rocking caboose.

[ Laughter ] There's no malice in that.

That's it! In conclusion, there's only

one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America,

aren't you better off than you were four years ago?

No! All right, then just try and

take me alive. And live from New York, it's

Saturday night! [ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪ announcer: It's "Saturday

night live. With --

announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, issa rae!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you, thank you so much. This is crazy.

Right? It is amazing to be here hosting

"Saturday night live." [ Cheers and applause ]

I can't believe I just walked down the same steps as some of

my favorite comedy legends, like Tina fey and Amy poehler, y'all.

So many of my inside jokes, my family's inside jokes -- hi,

family -- come from "SNL." I'm just so happy to be here.

And I'm so scared right now, to be honest.

I'm so scared that I might throw up.

But I got to hold it down, because -- I'm the first black

person to host "SNL," y'all! [ Cheers and applause ]

Folks, I'm really not, okay, I'm lying.

[ Laughter ] But y'all believed it for a

second. What if I can lie to y'all like

that? What if y'all didn't even

notice? If this show goes bad, though,

just blame it on me, Mary j. Blige.

[ Laughter ] I was actually supposed to host

the show back in march when I had two movies and season 4 of

my show "insecure" coming out. [ Cheers and applause ]

But now I'm here, and there really is no reason.

Because I have nothing going on. Like nothing.

People keep asking me, what have you been working on?

And I'm like, uh -- puzzles, bitch?

I don't know. [ Laughter ]

What have you been working on, since you're all in my business?

My show actually premiered four years ago this month, right

before the last election. And the results came in.

And of course everybody was freaking out.

I was freaking out. And I felt really awkward for my

life to be going so good, you know?

Like it was rude to be peaking right when democracy was

collapsing. [ Laughter ]

It was really weird to say, thank god for what happened in

the fall of 2016. You know, when I first got a TV

show I thought everything would kind of feel different.

But it really just felt like high school.

Like the show was kind of based on a web series I made back in

the day called "the misadventures of an awkward

black girl." Honestly, that's how I felt all

the time, just awkward and black.

I felt like a freshman that first year.

You know? I'd see all the cliques and the

cool girls that I wanted to be friends with.

And I evened got bullied sometimes.

. you guys know it as Twitter.

Twitter can be so scary sometimes.

Being dragged on social media feels like a low-stakes horror

movie where, when you're on it, it feels like, oh!

Oh my god, they're coming for me, where do I go?

And your battery dies and you're like, oh.

Sometimes you have a Hollywood event and you have four seconds

to remember their name. But you buy time by starting

with, oh my god! Hey, look at you!

If they call me out on it, like come on, issa, you know me.

I just go, excuse me, I'm Mary j. Blige, racist.

[ Laughter ] But doing my show for the last

four years is like high school, then hosting "SNL" is like my

prom. And you guys are all my dates.

[ Cheers and applause ] And I'm ready to go all the way,

y'all! We have a great show for you.

Justin bieber is here. [ Cheers and applause ]

So stick around and we'll be right back!

You're watching CDC, the Canadian broadcasting

corporation.

Live from Montreal, the best part of Canada, the worst part

of France. My name is Jean-Lawrence, or

John Larry. I'm joined by my beautiful

cohost, Anne-Marie. Bonjour.

Bonjour. How was your weekend?

I suffer injury when I made love to a cirque du soleil

performer. I choke on the big scarf.

So it was a bold weekend. Today we are with our colleague

from the south, he is an

American journalist quarantined in Canada because of COVID-19.

Please welcome from Detroit, Michigan, Jean-Fred.

Marcie for having moi. But my name is actually Fred.

I said Jean-Fred. Nope.

Just Fred. Please welcome Jean-forehead

desjardins. Okay.

"Hot takes!" Parliament has proposed a

controversial resolution for guaranteed universal income, but

is this just an empty welfare promise?

We'll get your take. [ Speaking foreign language ]

Jean-Fred? Uh -- yes?

Or no? I'm sorry, I don't speak

whatever French this is. And that's today's "hot

take." now it's time for our weekly

segment with our correspondent awa sene.

Bonjour, this is "Drake watch."

Oh, yes, this is the part of the show where we find out if

you saw Drake. Awa, did you see Drake today?

No. This has been "Drake watch."

Um, sorry, that's it? That's the whole segment?

Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake, but it was just my friend

etienne. Etienne looks a lot like Drake.

Plus I was confused because he was kind on a basketball court.

Did you check anywhere else for Drake?

Yes. I almost found him this morning

when I saw a man in a wheelchair.

But then I remembered Drake was only in a wheelchair for

pretend. Okay.

Awa, please keep us posted if you see Drake.

Oui, of course. This has been "Drake watch."

Yoo-hoo, Drake!

What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, did you like Drake?

I don't know, he's kind of fallen off recently --

[ screaming in foreign language ]

Your guest, please. How is this a news show?

It's time for "traffic report."

Today I was driving to work in my peugeot.

I took a left on Avenue Jacques cartier, then I parked in a

parking garage. Great traffic report.

Uh -- you can smoke in the studio?

Oh, okay, I hear now that we have a breaking story, we must

cut right away.

Bonjour, hi! I am at cn tower with a dramatic

development in the search for Drake.

He is there? No, Drake is not here.

Then why are you there? As you can see, it is a

famous view. Drake is not at this location

but I thought I should check. But there is no Drake.

That's breaking news? [ Screaming in foreign

language ]

Ah, we are almost out of time.

Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our famous big

weird bagels. Sorry, these are bagels?

Why is everything 25% different here?

In Quebec we say, tastes better with the big o.

Yes, lick the cream cheese out of the o.

Jean-Fred, stick your face in the big hole.

Hey, hey, hey! I regret doing that on camera.

Well, it's time to say au revoir.

We're sad to go, but that's the way it is!

♪♪♪ ♪♪♪

♪ and that's the way it is ♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

All these protests and civil unrest.

It's clear that people are hurting.

But how can I help when I don't even understand what some people

in this country go through every day?

I wish there were an easier way. Now there is with new 5-hour

empathy. 5-hour empathy?

What's that? From the makers of 5-hour

energy comes a brand-new formula that provides five full hours of

complete intimate understanding of years of systemic oppression

and ever-present racism. Wow.

All that in one little bottle? That's right.

That's great! So -- are you going to try

it? Uh -- try -- uh -- what?

The stuff? Yeah.

The stuff I just told you about. You know it!

I mean -- uh -- yeah. Well -- do you want to do

that now? You did say you wanted to

understand what was making people so upset.

I do. Did you say it lasts five hours?

That's right. Oh!

Yeah. I can't.

I, uh -- you're not scared, are you?

Scared? No!

Okay. Fine.

Oh. Wow.

I get it now. I need to do better.

The cap is still on. Come on, man.

I'm not a racist! I'm voting for biden, what more

do you want? Honey, what's wrong?

Are too many NFL players kneeling again?

What? No, I wish more would.

Look, she'll take it. No, I don't need that because

I'm a woman, so it's the same. She said what?

Hey, man. We get it.

We're good here. They fired uncle Ben.

Everything's fine. Get out of my house.

Or what, you're going to call the police?

Oh -- you -- you're trying to -- now I'm not going to --

okay, fine. I'll take it.

Great. Do it.

That makes sense. 5-hour empathy.

For when you just don't get it.

I guess the waiter forgot to give us menus?

Oh, no, the menu is on the bar code thing, take a picture

and it's on your phone. That's convenient.

Right? I take it you haven't been on a

date since COVID? Not really.

Then again, I didn't date before COVID either.

Really? That's a surprise.

Yeah, I don't have the best luck with guys.

They all end up crazy. What's your type?

Not you. Damn.

No, I didn't mean it like that.

That came out wrong. I meant, I don't usually date

guys who take me to fancy places like this.

This is really nice. Oh, well, I'm happy I could

show you this. Yeah, me too.

You know what's good is this crab ravioli in cream sauce,

right? Sharon?

Sharon? That is you, girl.

Hey, Clifford. You are looking good!

Mm, mm, mm! I see you got them yams out,

mm-mm. Looking all pretty, titty meat

all popping out. Clifford, I'm kind of busy

right now. My bad, my bad, I didn't mean

to intrude. Well, you are.

Okay. Live your life, girl.

Live your life. But it is good to see you.

You go. Mm, mm, mm.

The one that got away. Good-bye, Clifford.

Oh, all right. Hey, bruh.

She is a woman, all right? Don't you mess it up like I did.

Okay. Hey, you want to buy this

flower? You don't have to do that.

Bye, Clifford. Oh, man, you hating on my

business, okay, fine. I am so sorry about that.

No, that's cool. So you know him or something?

Yeah. We sort of kind of dated for a

while. Like when y'all were kids?

No, we used to work together. Anyway.

So the ravioli is in a cream sauce?

The what, now? The crab ravioli.

Oh -- I'll burn this whole place to

the ground! Sharon?

[ Laughter ] That you, girl?

You've got to be kidding me. Hey, karate man.

Karate man? Konnichiwa, girl.

Look at you. Legs all out like ka pow!

Ka blam! Yo, my man.

Karate man. Okay, karate man, do you

mind? We're on a date right now.

A date? So that's how you're living now,

Sharon? Karate man what do you want

from me? Okay, you said you wanted your

space so I gave it to you. You're right, you're right.

But losing you was my only regret.

You only have one regret? [ Laughter ]

Anyway, I'll go. I don't mean to ruin your feng

shui. Well, you are.

Take care of her, man. She likes her butt slapped.

[ Laughter ] I am so, so sorry.

Wow. Two exes in a row, what are the

odds? And he broke up with you?

I wish. He just ghosted me.

Maybe we should just go inside. We can't, they're like at 2%

capacity. Where are you meeting these

dudes? Oh, well, work mostly.

Look, I don't want to talk about them.

Tell me about you. What do you do?

Well, I just made partner at the law firm I work at.

First person of color. Wow!

Yeah. Is that Sharon?

[ Laughter ] Another one?

That is Sharon. I see you trying to hide from

me, girl, I'd recognize that pit meat anyway.

Hey, robot. Been awhile.

Remember my dog, astro? You got a little chocolate daddy

now. I ain't mad at ya.

What did you call me? I ain't got time to flap, I'm

late for a protest. They're trying to close down the

peep world on eighth Avenue. Just take them, robot.

I'll see you around, sugar. Okay, tell me you didn't date

him too. No, he's just a work friend.

But we had a lot of sex. Eww.

Where the hell do you work? Just around the corner.

I told you, I'm an Elsa. An Elsa?

Yeah, I'm a Times Square Elsa.

First woman of color, by the way.

Okay, you definitely never told me that.

Remember? I said I was a Princess?

I thought that meant your dad was rich.

Look, I'm sorry if this is all too weird.

Maybe I should leave. No.

No, no, wait, look. I'm not going to judge you based

off your past, all right? Let's forget all that and start

over, all right? Deal?

Yeah. Duane?

Is that you, Duane? Oh, hey, Kristin.

Who is this bitch? [ Cheers and applause ]

Ladies and gentlemen, Justin bieber.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪♪ ♪ I hear a lot about sinners

don't think that I'll be a Saint

but I might go down ♪ ♪ to the river

'cause the way that the sky opens up when we touch

yeah it's making me say ♪ ♪ that the way you hold me

hold me hold me hold me hold me

feels so ♪ ♪ holy holy holy holy holy

oh god runnin' to the altar

like a track star ♪ ♪ can't wait another second

the way you hold me hold me hold me

hold me hold me ♪ ♪ feels so holy

I don't do well with the drama

and no I can't stand it ♪ ♪ being fake

no no no no no no no no I don't believe in nirvana

but the way that we love in the night gave me life baby I can't

explain that the way you hold me hold me hold me ♪

♪ feels so holy holy holy holy oh god ♪

♪ runnin' to the altar like a track star

can't wait another second 'cause the way you ♪

♪ hold me hold me hold me hold me hold me

feels so holy they say we're ♪

♪ too young and the pimps and the players

say don't go crushing wise men say fools rush in ♪

♪ but I don't know they say we're

too young and the pimps and the players ♪

♪ say don't go crushing wise men say fools rush in

but I don't know chance the rapper ♪

♪ the first step pleases the father

might be the hardest to take ♪

♪ but when you come out of the water

I'm a believer my heart is fleshy ♪

♪ life is short with a temper like Joe pesci

they want to come and sing your praises ♪

♪ your name is catchy but they don't see you

how I see you parlay and desi ♪

♪ cross tween tween hit the jet speed

when they get messy go lefty like Lionel messi ♪

♪ let's take a trip and get the vespas

or rent a jetski I know the spots that ♪

♪ got the best weed we goin' next week

I wanna I wanna honor you ♪ father's child

I know when the son takes the first steps

the father's proud ♪ ♪ if you make it

to the water he'll part the clouds

I know he made you a ♪ ♪ snack like Oscar proud

suffer it to be so now gotta clean it up

formalize the union ♪ ♪ in communion he can trust

I know I ain't leaving you like I know

he ain't leaving us ♪ ♪ I know we believe in god

and I know god believes in us ♪

♪ the way you hold me hold me hold me

hold me hold me feels so ♪

♪ holy holy holy holy holy oh god

runnin' to the altar like a track star ♪

♪ can't wait another second oh god

runnin' to the altar like a track star ♪

♪ can't wait another second oh god

runnin' to the altar like a track star ♪

♪ can't wait another second the way you hold me

hold me hold me hold me feels so holy ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's "weekend update" with Colin jost and Michael che.

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you.

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to "weekend update."

I'm Michael che. I'm Colin jost.

This week, President Trump held more coronavirus give-aways

across the country. As part of his "herd immunity"

tour. He started in Florida and showed

off how healthy his brain is, saying this.

They say I'm immune, I can feel -- I feel so powerful.

[ Laughter ] Yeah.

Nothing says I'm off steroids like screaming, I feel so

powerful! Like Ross from "the gonies."

Then at a rally in Pennsylvania, a congressman literally crowd

surfed, I guess on the second wave of COVID, yet Trump seemed

to think he could lose this election.

Listen to this reserve. Could you imagine if I lose?

My whole life, what am I going to do?

I'm going to say, I lost to the worst candidate in the history

of politics. I'm not going to feel so good.

Maybe I'll have to leave the country, I don't know.

Hey. Don't make promises you don't

intend to keep. [ Laughter ]

Besides, no other country would accept you, because you come

from America which has way too many COVID cases.

[ Laughter ] Though it would be very

satisfying if this all ends with Donald Trump becoming an illegal

immigrant. [ Laughter ]

To whatever country gets Trump, I just want to apologize,

because we're not sending our best or our brightest.

[ Laughter ]

Nbc held a town hall event with President Trump because,

what can I say, we have a type. [ Laughter and moans ]

I'm sorry you guys don't like it.

Who are these town halls even for?

Who's still on the fence about this election?

Whether you're voting for Trump or biden, you've definitely made

up your mind and you're probably not thrilled about it.

These choices are so bad that kanye's running and people are

like, maybe? [ Laughter ]

That wouldn't happen if we had actual, good candidates.

When Kennedy was running against Nixon nobody was like, what

about little Richard? [ Laughter ]

C-span suspended debate moderator Steve sculley after

falsely claiming his Twitter account was hacked.

Wow. Just more juicy drama from those

messy bitches at c-span. [ Laughter ]

According to insiders, U.S. intelligence agencies warned the

White House last year that Rudy giuliani was a target of an

influence operation by Russian intelligence.

I'm actually more worried about Russian intelligence if their

plan was to rely on the American Mr. Bean.

[ Laughter ] Counting on Rudy to carry out

your secret mission is like handing your grocery list to

your dog. [ Laughter ]

It was also reported that after President Trump was warned that

giuliani was being fed misinformation by the Russians,

Trump just shrugged his shoulders and said, that's Rudy.

That's Rudy, Thursdays on CBS. This week, President Trump

also refused to condemn the conspiracy group q-anon, saying,

I know nothing about q-anon. Which come on, how could he not

know about q-anon? He's on Twitter all day.

That would be like if I say, I know nothing about Lexington

steel! Nothing.

[ Laughter ] I think he's probably just never

heard the word "q-anon" out loud before.

When he got home he was like, oh, you meant canyon?

Love those dudes!

It's been a bumpy couple of weeks for the Trump family.

Here is an update from first sons Eric and Don Trump Jr.

Hey, Colin. Thanks for having us.

Great -- great to see you guys.

Let's lose the mask, buddy, can't hear you.

Oh, it's wet! Have you been chewing on it,

buddy? No.

Okay. I'm very glad -- I'm very glad

to see you both healthy. Oh, yeah.

Healthy and thriving, Colin. I've been out on the campaign

trail superspreading my father's message.

And Eric had his very first zoom business meeting today.

I was muted. You were.

[ Laughter ] So good.

Did great. Most polls show your father

trailing Joe biden. Is he worried about losing

re-election? Dad isn't worried about

losing this election. In fact, he's terrified.

No.

No, he's not. Because, Colin, he knows his

base will show up on election day.

In fact, he calls all his supporters --

white trash. No.

[ Laughter ] No, he does not.

He does not. Yep, and he does that voice,

ha ha! No.

Do you want some hand sanitizer, buddy?

Why don't you do that? You've been touching stuff all

day. Look, Colin.

Be careful with that, buddy. Sleepy creepy Joe doesn't have

the stamina to pull off a win here.

I'll tell you why. His platform is just reheated

Obama-era policies that -- Eric, Eric -- did you drink it again?

Dad said it was fine. [ Laughter ]

It's not, buddy. Come on.

98% alcohol. You okay?

[ Laughter ] Uh-huh.

So your father's confident he's going to win in November?

Oh, yeah. And the whole family -- the

whole family has got his back. Just ask our sister Tiffany.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Happy birthday to me! Hi, Colin.

Hi, Tiffany. I see you're still celebrating

your birthday. Even though you got some flack

in the press. Yeah, the media got all butt

hurt because I was part of a mass gathering in Miami in a

boat. But my name is Tiffany, it's

kind of my job to get faded on south beach.

She's kidding, Colin. Don, Don, Don, who is that

lady? That's your sister, Eric.

Wait, tiff, I don't know if you and Eric have ever officially

met. Not in person, no.

Hi, not-vanka. Tiffany, I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm used to it. No, hey, Tiffany, I have to

ask, are you worried about spreading COVID to your party

guests, considering your father just had it?

Oh, no, daddy's always taken the six-foot social distance

rule very seriously with me. As you can see, Colin, we're a

united front. And we know dad is going to win

no matter what the dems try to stir up, Colin.

Like this latest debt nonsense. Please.

My dad doesn't owe $400 million, he owes --

$800 million. No.

Absolutely not. He owes --

$1 billion. No, he owes a little.

But Colin, you know how my dad does business.

He goes big or -- he goes to jail.

No. I can't handle them both.

The first kids, everyone. [ Cheers and applause ]

According to Google, according to Google,

the top Halloween costume searches this year are for

witch, dinosaur, or Harley Quinn.

Or you can combine all three by going as kellyanne Conway.

[ Laughter ]

The Latin American wife of Pennsylvania's lieutenant

governor claims she was called a racist slur while at the grocery

store. It's the worst case of racism at

the grocery store since every jar of Newman's own salsa.

Police reported that someone stole a 21-year-old ring-tailed

lemur from the San Francisco zoo.

For reference, this is what a 21-year-old ring-tailed lemur

looks like. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Voters across the country

are making their final decisions on this election.

We sent our very own aidy Bryant to check in with real voters out

there in the heart land in our new segment, "aidy in America."

♪ Aidy in America ♪ aidy, how's it going out

there? Not good, Colin.

It's going pretty bad. Oh, okay.

Well, where are you? Um -- I don't know.

Okay. Well, have you spoken to any

undecided voters? No, I have not.

Haven't found a single one yet. I'm sorry.

♪ Aidy in America ♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

Fisher price has launched an online museum showcasing its

toys over 90 years. Or you can see them in person at

America's famous toy museum, the neverland ranch.

[ Audience moans ] I thought you wouldn't like

that.

According to new research, men with deeper voices are more

likely to cheat on their partners.

[ Using deep voice ] But you can't believe

scientists, baby. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] Is that "voice blackface"?

Police in Ohio say that a report of a homeless man

sleeping on a bench turned out to be a statue, which was a huge

relief, because they shot it 15 times.

[ Laughter and moans ] Oh, man!

A woman flying to Detroit said she woke up to a pastor

urinating on her. Which explains why her dream was

about being baptized.

People in the art industry have criticized four different

museums' plans to exhibit features of kkk.

If you want to see portraits of klansmen, you can always search

jost on ancestry.Com. [ Laughter ]

A restaurant in San Francisco is selling a fried

chicken sandwich that includes the chicken claw.

Not to be outdone, kfc just announced their new beaks-only

bucket. [ Laughter ]

[ Laughter ] New York City bars and clubs

have been closed for seven months due to the pandemic.

Here to comment on the state of the night life industry is

famous '80s cocaine wife Carla. [ Cheers and applause ]

Hi! Hi, Michael, how are you, baby?

I'm great, Carla. Yeah?

Yeah, you good? Yeah.

How's the family? How's Kate?

She good? Kenan?

Ha ha, you know kenan makes me laugh, Michael.

He makes me laugh. Yeah, yeah, they're good,

everybody's good. Yeah?

So where's the after party? Where we going tonight, Michael?

There's no after party, Carla, there's a virus.

No party? Oh, come on, Michael.

Where's the party. Emilio's?

Canolios? You, me, lon, and a fat lasagna

at 3:00 A.M., Michael? There's no party.

We all have to go to work and we want to keep everybody safe.

But I want to dance, Michael. I want to dance.

Dance with me. Colin will dance with me, baby.

Colin loves beautiful women. Yeah, I just -- I don't want

to be involved in this. [ Laughter ]

No, you know what? I just -- I saw on your

monitor -- I got to powder my nose.

Oh, Carla, no, Carla, what are you doing?

I'm good, I'm good, Michael, I'm good.

Carla, you're supposed to be here to talk about night life.

A lot of people have lost their jobs.

Job? I don't have a job, Michael.

I'm a home wrecker, plaintiff? Of course, my husband Bobby has

a lot of men working for him. Oh, yeah?

What exactly does your husband do?

Scaffolding garbage construction.

[ Laughter ] He'd be jealous if he knew I was

talking to you. Let's call him.

No, I don't think that's a good idea.

Hi, hi, baby. Yeah, yeah, no, it's me.

No, good, I'm at church. [ Laughter ]

No, no, I'm not with Michael, that's done.

Wait, what's done? Yeah, he's right here.

Michael, he wants to talk to you, and he's really angry,

Michael. No!

You know what contractorly, I think it's time for you to go,

really. Oh, Michael!

No! Don't get rid of me, Michael.

Sure, have a little rust around the edges.

But I'm still the same girl you met at the "update" desk a few

years ago. Let me give you a sign, Michael.

No! You really need to calm down.

You calm down! Ow!

You're hurting me, Michael, ow! Ow!

Nobody is touching you. Okay.

Hold on. I need to powder my nose.

So. Where's the after party?

Carla, everybody! >>

♪♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

Good morning. It's "your voice Chicago."

I'm j. Louis tibbs coming to you this Sunday at 7:30 A.M. right

before a two-hour commercial for a pot that you can cook a steak

in. Joining me to talk local

politics are lead counsel for Chicago's naacp, Janelle Davey,

and a freelance writer for "the root," Lisa crowder.

Now, there's so much talk about the national election, but today

we focus on the local candidates.

Which are so important, representation begins at the

street level. Indeed, indeed.

So Janelle, any strategy that you're using to vet some of

these candidates? Louis, I'll be honest, I'm

voting for everybody black. Everybody black?

That's right. For too long, our people's

voices have not been heard. It's our duty to stand together

and take our power back. Okay, okay, I hear you.

Representation matters. So let's first look at cook

county's 3rd district where four-time incumbent frank

polaski is running against 29-year-old lawyer Charlotte

Raines. Charlotte has no experience in

politics -- which is exactly why we need

her. This is what I'm talking about,

new voices. It's the only way any change

will happen. Okay, I like that.

You bet on black, girl. Okay, look like we got a

favorite there. Let's go to district 10, which

features a billionaire. Incumbent Scott trebor is

running against the challenger Rashad Carter.

A billionaire? Now see, how can someone who's

so rich know anything about us? Money corrupts the whole system.

Well, actually, rashard Carter is the billionaire.

He owns a software company. I find that so inspiring.

We need more entrepreneurs like that in our community.

Look, at least he pays his taxes.

That's right. I got to go with the democrat on

this one. Well, Scott trebor is the

democrat, Rashad Carter is a libertarian.

Which is what I like about him.

[ Laughter ] He's an independent thinker.

Okay, great. Let's go to the city comp

patroller race between democrat Catherine Lacy and independent

candidate the reverend Deangelo banks --

no, sorry, I knew this man in elementary school.

For some reason he had a dooky stain on his shoulder.

He's a pastor now? He's only been a reverend

eight months. He has no church.

He says god has got him on lay-away.

Let's take a look at one of his recent town halls.

Hey, to the man, yes, friend. The rumors are true.

I've spent money on a lot of strippers.

But you have to understand, that was only because I owned a chain

of strip clubs. I put that life behind me right

after the clubs were shut down for tax fraud.

Hallelujah. Outlamas tour base.

I love it, amen! Looks like that town hall

took place outside of a dry cleaner's.

Do we like reverend banks? Absolutely.

Come on, you just said he committed tax fraud.

The comptroller handles the city's money.

Which is perfect, he knows the system, all the loopholes.

It would be like hiring Wesley snipes to do your taxes.

Okay. Let's go over to district 6

where the district's first Asian representative, Daniel Lee, is

running against a conservative online duo that was featured on

fox news and recently spoke at the cpac convention, crystal and

caviar. I didn't know it was legal to

run as a team. Oh, it's not.

Either way, their newest livestream video came out today.

Why don't we take a look.

The media is always putting out fake news!

Always. They say our president lies.

Come on! He is not a liar.

Well, sometimes he just exxagerbates.

They say we got to wear a mask in the grocery store.

Nope. But I don't need a mask.

I, I'm so blessed. ♪ the mask is bad the

mask is bad ♪ ♪ can't go all day

smelling my own breath ♪

Okay. Janelle, your thoughts on

crystal and caviar? Give me a minute.

I'm sorry, but these two have absolutely no --

wait, I got it. Stay with me.

These ladies are passionate. And we need more of that in

politics, right? I guess.

And Daniel Lee has been in office for 18 years now.

We want someone who's been out there working in the real world,

right? Both crystal and caviar are

unemployed. Which is why we need to give

them jobs as state representatives.

Lift them up. Okay, I'm lifting but

sometimes it's hard. Not really that hard.

Why don't we take a break. When we come back, we'll talk

about the presidential race between Donald Trump, Joe biden,

and kanye west. Kanye?

At him! [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ] Hey, issa.

Hi, Kyle, what's up? Hanging.

How's the week been? What are you doing?

Nothing. Just chilling.

♪ You know it you know it get down on it ♪

Seems like you're dancing pretty hard over there.

Really? Not that I noticed.

♪ Yo ♪ stop.

Is this just because Justin bieber's here?

Justin? ♪♪♪

Oh, yeah, Justin bieber. The cute singer?

Wait, did you think if I saw you dancing, I would be so blown

away I'd tell him about it? No.

Yes. I'm the host.

I don't, like, recommend dancers.

Got it. ♪ what you want baby I got it

what you need you know I got it ♪

I'm not going to let you do aretha like that.

Look, even if you were a backup dancer, you've got something

like that. He's more into something --

♪ we about the funky sound we about to get it down whoa whoa

whoa ♪ you dance well.

Yeah, just a little -- ♪♪♪

♪ funk jam in the future ♪ ♪ funk jam to survive ♪

♪ whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa ♪

Give the rapper a chance. Yeah, um -- you might know me

from my show "insecure. Yes, I really like that.

Thanks. Cool.

Could you guys let Justin know that I came by?

Oh, aren't you performing with him?

Yeah, but he doesn't know I can do this.

♪ You've got to jam when you can ♪

♪ you've got to jam when you can ♪

We have no chance. But if we combine forces --

yeah, what was that thing you did earlier?

♪ Got to bring that funk ♪ yeah!

I have your COVID results. You're positive.

Oh, yeah. So you have to leave.

Right. ♪ get down with it ♪

No, you have to leave now. Issa.

♪ What you want ♪ you got to go, man.

Not going to do that. Okay, here's your stuff.

Please leave, sir. Yeah.

Well. What can I say?

My life is random. Okay, don't talk to the

once again, Justin bieber. ♪♪♪

♪ everybody knows my name now

but something 'bout it still feels strange ♪

♪ looking in a mirror trying to steady yourself

and seeing somebody else and everything is ♪

♪ not the same now it feels like all our

lives have changed maybe when I'm older ♪

♪ it'll all calm down but it's killing me now

what if you had it all with nobody to call ♪

♪ maybe then you'd know me 'cause I've had everything

but no one's listening and that's just ♪

♪ oh so lonely I'm so lonely

lonely everybody knows ♪

♪ my past now like my house was

always made of glass and maybe that's the ♪

♪ price you pay for the money and fame

at an early age and everybody saw me sick ♪

♪ and it felt like no one gave a

they criticized the things I did ♪

♪ as an idiot kid what if you had it all

but nobody to call maybe then you'd know me ♪

♪ cause I've had everything but no one's listening

and that's just oh so lonely ♪

♪ I'm so lonely lonely

I'm so lonely lonely ♪♪♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Due to COVID-19 stay-at-home restrictions, Jack flatts has

been unable to serve our delicious retro burgers and

shakes indoors. We know how much our loyal

customers miss coming in and enjoying Jack flatts classic

American fare and our servers' hilarious wise-cracking

attitudes. But we're still here serving the

community as best we can by offering free curbside pickup

and delivery. Open up Jack flatts now!

Enough of this new normal crap! I want to eat at a restaurant

where the waiters make fun of you!

I don't care what the state says!

Open it! If you don't open up Jack

flatts, I'm going to -- you're not the governor.

I want the waiters to tease me while I'm eating, saying

like, you sure you can eat all of that, big boy?

I want to get teased without a mask so I can hear what

they're saying! If I don't get teased without a

mask -- I'll kidnap the governor!

I'll kidnap the governor! Hey, this is my best friend,

Ruben. We have the same birthday except

he's 19 years older, and every year we go to Jack flatts to

celebrate. Now we can't?

Open up the playground. Okay -- but --

but mainly open up Jack flatts!

Otherwise, me and Ruben -- we'll tie up the governor,

tied her somewhere. I miss it.

I miss the wacko fries. I miss the Joe schmoe burger.

The flat melt. Smash pies.

If you don't open Jack flatts, me, Trevor, Corey,

Roman, we're going to do it! I don't like the masks.

I always get it upside down. I can't see smiles!

This is Trish, the funniest waitress at Jack flatts.

I showed up for curbside with mustard on my shirt, and she

didn't even make fun of me. Just let it fly.

Okay, I don't know what's going on, but this dude told me

if I quit my shift he would give me $1,000 and put me in a movie.

I get it.

I get it. Not everybody likes to be

teased. Don't come here, then!

It's just for fun! They're not making fun of the

real you, just you as a customer!

Is this like a porno? Honestly, I don't care, I just

want to get that $1,000. You have to open up Jack

flatts! No masks!

Joe schmoe burger and wacko fries, free endless fries and

refills. Otherwise --

otherwise -- governor?

Yep. Drive a truck into the

governor's mansion. Blow past the guards.

Smash up. One of the guys in the

one of the guys in the jacked-up Van is in like our

group, and he wants to go back and play their hits!

George Washington wanted the British to tease him!

He fought them to have that and as soon as the British

government said no more teasing, not allowed to tease that man,

what did George Washington do? Kidnapped them.

King, prince, everybody. Made it back to the old

normal again!

At Jack flatts, we hope to see you soon.

We spend so much on things we need.

What about the things we want? I want to better myself.

I want to treat myself. I want to enjoy myself.

The things we buy to invest in our lives.

Oil paints. An instrument to learn.

An elliptical. The things that aren't about

our to-do list but about our bucket list.

Rosetta stone Italian. Ice cream maker.

Roller skates. You've been home eight months

and you didn't touch them once. Now you have to sell them.

With ebay. I spent $80 on embroidery

equipment back in march. But then I just stared at my

phone, and I looked up, and now it's October.

I've always wanted to cook more, so I bought a $400 chef's

knife I only use to open Amazon packages.

Guitars hurt. No one tells you that.

I don't like feeling hurt. You always wished for more

free time so you could get around to them.

And then you were quarantined. And instead of reading "the

odyssey," you watched every episode of "selling sunset.

So this is a house. So now you know.

I thought I wanted to learn how to box to connect with my

deceased father. Turns out I want to lay on the

couch and watch women lose their damn minds.

Go ahead and sell that stuff. Not to worry.

If you find yourself buying something new on our site,

ebay's making it easier than ever to fail hard with our new

service, prebay. Where we intercept your latest

overly optimistic purchase and take it right back before you

even open it. Look, you had your chance.

And all the time in the world. Don't be shy.

If you admit that it's unused, you'll make more money.

Ebay. This commercial doesn't apply to

you if you worked or had kids. Oh, my pasta maker's here!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you to Justin bieber, Jim carrey, Alec Baldwin, Maya

Rudolph, chance the rapper, Benny blanco.

Thank you guys so much. This has been incredible.

Y'all get out there and vote, please, god, vote!

Thank you for having me, such a blessing to be here, amazing!

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪♪