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[ Cheers and applause ]
Good evening.
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I'm George stephanopoulos, and
the vibe we're going for tonight
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is "poorly attended college
lecture.
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00:00:46,023 --> 00:00:51,007
The folks asking questions are
half pro-biden and half
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anti-Trump, and somehow we've
put all of them in the last row
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of the balcony.
How are you guys up there?
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Huh?
I have vertigo!
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Great.
And our guest of honor tonight
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00:01:06,004 --> 00:01:08,004
is former vice president and
future oatmeal spokesman Joe
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00:01:08,005 --> 00:01:14,027
biden.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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Hello!
Hello, Philadelphia!
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It's great to be here!
Hey, that is Bobby Clark of the
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1974-75 flyers?
Mr. Vice president, Mr. Vice
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president, please don't wander
into the audience to greet
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people.
Sorry!
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I'm just so excited to talk to
America.
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With real-life Americans.
Hey, George!
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Check it out!
That's a dance for the kids on
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tiktok.
Okay.
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Okay, Joe.
Let's focus.
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Now, are you ready for softball
questions from folks who are
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already voting for you?
You bet your short pants I
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00:02:09,001 --> 00:02:10,000
am.
This is going to be exciting,
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George.
I've given everybody in the
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audience a glass of warm milk
and a blanket.
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Now who's ready to have some fun
with facts and figures?
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Whoo!
The first question is from
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Nicholas fenton, and he's a
democrat.
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Mr. Vice president, how would
your response differ from the
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horrible one from president
Trump, who I hate?
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Let's limit how many times
you outright say you hate
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President Trump during your
questions.
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Aww!
Mr. Vice president, go ahead.
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Okay.
Now Nicholas -- where the hell
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are you?
Nicholas?
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I'm up here!
Huh?
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Go ahead!
Hey.
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Yeah.
Here's the deal.
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Unlike the president, I actually
have a plan.
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Okay, great!
What is it?
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00:03:01,002 --> 00:03:05,008
[ Laughter ]
A plan is a detailed proposal
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for doing or achieving
something.
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00:03:06,026 --> 00:03:09,026
No, I mean, what's your plan?
Oh, right.
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Right.
Well, let me start with a story.
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Mixed with a complicated math
problem.
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[ Laughter ]
If you have 3 million doses of
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vaccine, and the vaccine leaves
Chicago at 10:00 A.M., what time
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would it arrive in Washington?
And please show your work.
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00:03:32,001 --> 00:03:33,011
Good evening, America.
I am surprise bad-ass Savannah
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Guthrie.
[ Laughter ]
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If you were angry at nbc for
doing this town hall, let me get
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a few questions in and I think
you'll thank me.
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Joining me tonight is president
Donald Trump.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you, serengeti, it's
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great to be here.
Even though -- woman.
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[ Laughter ]
We have lots of voters
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00:04:01,012 --> 00:04:02,024
to ask questions, but I'd like
to start by tearing you a new
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one.
[ Laughter ]
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00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,014
Why won't you condemn white
supremacy?
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I do.
I do condemn it.
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00:04:09,024 --> 00:04:11,008
I've always more or less
condemned it.
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What about q-anon?
You mean the group that
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thinks democrats are a cabal of
Satan-worshipping pedophiles,
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and I'm their Messiah?
I don't know anything about them
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at all.
Yes, you do, Mr. President.
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I do know they're against
pedophilia, and I agree with
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that, if anyone's against
pedophiles, it's me, the man who
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was close, personal friends with
one of the most famous
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pedophiles on earth.
Rest in power, Jeffrey.
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00:04:38,001 --> 00:04:42,017
[ Laughter and moans ]
Okay -- what about the Aryan
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brotherhood?
They're very pro-family,
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that's all I know.
Kkk?
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Your car breaks down, you
call triple-k.
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00:04:54,026 --> 00:04:57,018
Last week you tweeted that
osama bin laden is still alive.
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I didn't tweet it, it was a
retweet, which is short for
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"really smart tweet."
You can't just do things like
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that, you're not someone's crazy
uncle.
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Really?
Because this conversation we're
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00:05:10,016 --> 00:05:13,028
having is a preview of
Thanksgiving dinner at a lot of
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American households, so crazy
uncles, stand back and stand by.
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00:05:20,012 --> 00:05:25,015
That brings us to 1939.
[ Laughter ]
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The year I went to the world
fair.
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And met the real Mickey mouse.
Does that answer your question?
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00:05:34,017 --> 00:05:38,003
[ Laughter ]
If you want to find me after the
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town hall, we can talk some
more.
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Some more?
Just to be clear, when was
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the last time you tested
negative?
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There are so many tests,
santana, I get tested all the
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time.
Okay, for COVID.
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There are so many COVID,
Savannah, COVID-12, COVID-14 --
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00:06:01,004 --> 00:06:02,018
were you tested for COVID-19
on the day of the debate --
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there have been so many
debates --
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there was one f'ing debate.
Now do you have any remaining
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symptoms of COVID?
No, I'm doing great.
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Doctors say my lung is
beautiful.
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I have one beautiful lung now,
which turned basically into
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glass, so it's very strong.
You didn't have pneumonia?
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Had a small fever, it was
around 100 celsius.
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But I did great.
[ Laughter ]
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I never died.
Never saw hell or the devil.
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He never showed me a list of my
sins.
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I was just alive and strong the
whole time.
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Okay.
I'm done with my initial
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prostate exam.
Our first question tonight is
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from Jacqueline lugo.
Hello, Mr. President!
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Greetings from Miami --
no, no, different person.
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Okay, let's go to our next
question from Paulette Dale, and
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I'm told she's horny.
Yes.
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Greetings, Mr. President.
I have to say, you have a great
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smile.
He does!
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Oh, just so handsome when you
smile.
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00:07:07,001 --> 00:07:11,021
Come on, let me see those
chompers.
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Oh, there we go.
You're so beautiful.
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Now my question is about
immigration.
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My parents were both immigrants.
So I want to know what you'll do
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with the so-called dreamers.
Where did your parents
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emigrate from?
They came from Mrs.
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Maisel-vania.
That's why you have to do
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something.
You can make a difference.
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You can save this country.
Joe, who are you talking to?
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[ Laughter ]
I'm talking to god, George.
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Father, son, holy ghost, you're
the team we love the most.
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00:08:04,020 --> 00:08:05,999
[ Laughter ]
And that's why we're going to
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00:08:06,000 --> 00:08:11,027
have a v-shaped recovery, a deep
v, rippling pecs and a toned
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00:08:11,028 --> 00:08:14,025
eight-pack.
A swimmer's body, basically like
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00:08:14,026 --> 00:08:19,017
I have after COVID, and it'sing
about -- it's going to be
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00:08:19,018 --> 00:08:21,021
beautiful!
The question is, why won't
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00:08:21,022 --> 00:08:23,001
you release your taxes?
Oh, that's simple, because I
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00:08:23,002 --> 00:08:27,015
don't want to go to jail.
Thank you.
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00:08:27,016 --> 00:08:32,004
Our next question is from a
pro-life millennial, so yikes,
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good luck.
My question is did you
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nominate judge Barrett to strike
down roe v. Wade?
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Because that would be pretty
chill of you.
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That's a beautiful question,
thank you.
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I didn't tell Amy conan o'brien
to vote any way on any issue.
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00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:06,027
Some people say very brilliant
minds say roe v. Wade should be
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00:09:06,028 --> 00:09:10,026
overturned and burned in a trash
can, like antifa is burning all
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of my ballots because everyone
knows the radical left are
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trying to steal this election.
They're taking down statues
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which are full of Trump votes,
that's where the people place
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their votes, into the statues.
Antifa is stealing them and
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changing Trump to Kathy
Griffin --
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okay, I'm so sorry.
[ Cheers and applause ]
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I'm real sorry.
This is the last place I want to
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be.
But somebody has to ask, what
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00:09:43,013 --> 00:09:46,017
the hell is happening with that
woman back there?
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00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:50,001
[ Laughter ]
Because I only nod that much
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when a waiter asks if I'll be
having mimosas at brunch.
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So either that's Candace Owens
in a wig or baby girl answered
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the wrong Craigslist ad.
Are you okay, miss?
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00:10:04,005 --> 00:10:07,010
Are you listening to music on
tiny headphones?
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00:10:07,011 --> 00:10:11,001
I'm genuinely trying to
understand what's happening.
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Because if you're not a plant,
then I am deeply, deeply
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concerned for you, honey.
She's probably just upset
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that I didn't win the nobel
prize.
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Okay.
I need to get out of here,
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because this is some spooky-ass
Jordan peele nonsense.
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I just hope Joe's town hall is
more inspiring than this.
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♪ Let's make the most of this
beautiful day ♪
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♪ since we're together we might
as well say ♪
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♪ would you be mine could you be
mine ♪
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♪ won't you be my neighbor ♪
what do you say?
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00:11:01,022 --> 00:11:04,004
Will you be my neighbor, George?
What?
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00:11:04,005 --> 00:11:07,001
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm watching the
Trump one.
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They're really going at it.
And now, Savannah is telling
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00:11:12,025 --> 00:11:15,016
him there's another question,
but no, it was just a
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00:11:15,017 --> 00:11:20,001
distraction!
Savannah Guthrie has a folding
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00:11:20,002 --> 00:11:23,003
chair!
From the audience!
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And Trump doesn't see it!
Oh, the humanity!
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♪♪♪
and you see each tree has its
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own personality.
Just like America.
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Does that answer your question,
Justin?
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If I say yes, can I sit down?
You betcha, buckaroo.
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Both my legs are sleeping.
Well, Mr. Vice president, I
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believe we are about out of
time.
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So I'm going to ask you for your
closing statement.
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00:12:04,003 --> 00:12:08,006
George, George, we have to
restore sanity to the nation.
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If elected, I promise I won't
tweet once.
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Because I don't know how.
And I'll have exactly one
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scandal.
I will mistake Angela merkel for
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00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:28,002
my wife, from behind, and tell
her she's got a rocking caboose.
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00:12:28,003 --> 00:12:29,004
[ Laughter ]
There's no malice in that.
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That's it!
In conclusion, there's only
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one question that matters.
Just ask yourselves, America,
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aren't you better off than you
were four years ago?
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No!
All right, then just try and
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take me alive.
And live from New York, it's
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Saturday night!
[ Cheers and applause ]
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♪♪♪
announcer: It's "Saturday
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night live.
With --
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announcer: Ladies and
gentlemen, issa rae!
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00:14:58,006 --> 00:15:01,013
[ Cheers and applause ]
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Thank you, thank you so much.
This is crazy.
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00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,015
Right?
It is amazing to be here hosting
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00:15:22,016 --> 00:15:27,017
"Saturday night live."
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:15:27,018 --> 00:15:31,018
I can't believe I just walked
down the same steps as some of
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00:15:31,019 --> 00:15:36,999
my favorite comedy legends, like
Tina fey and Amy poehler, y'all.
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00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,021
So many of my inside jokes, my
family's inside jokes -- hi,
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family -- come from "SNL."
I'm just so happy to be here.
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And I'm so scared right now, to
be honest.
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I'm so scared that I might throw
up.
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But I got to hold it down,
because -- I'm the first black
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person to host "SNL," y'all!
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:16:01,008 --> 00:16:02,009
Folks, I'm really not, okay, I'm
lying.
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00:16:02,010 --> 00:16:05,014
[ Laughter ]
But y'all believed it for a
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00:16:05,015 --> 00:16:10,011
second.
What if I can lie to y'all like
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00:16:10,012 --> 00:16:14,025
that?
What if y'all didn't even
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00:16:14,026 --> 00:16:17,002
notice?
If this show goes bad, though,
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00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:18,018
just blame it on me, Mary j.
Blige.
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00:16:18,019 --> 00:16:22,002
[ Laughter ]
I was actually supposed to host
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00:16:22,003 --> 00:16:25,010
the show back in march when I
had two movies and season 4 of
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00:16:25,011 --> 00:16:29,017
my show "insecure" coming out.
[ Cheers and applause ]
213
00:16:29,018 --> 00:16:35,003
But now I'm here, and there
really is no reason.
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00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:37,006
Because I have nothing going on.
Like nothing.
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People keep asking me, what have
you been working on?
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00:16:41,015 --> 00:16:42,999
And I'm like, uh -- puzzles,
bitch?
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00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,022
I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
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00:16:44,023 --> 00:16:51,006
What have you been working on,
since you're all in my business?
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00:16:51,007 --> 00:16:53,023
My show actually premiered four
years ago this month, right
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00:16:53,024 --> 00:16:57,008
before the last election.
And the results came in.
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00:16:57,009 --> 00:16:58,028
And of course everybody was
freaking out.
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I was freaking out.
And I felt really awkward for my
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00:17:05,012 --> 00:17:09,028
life to be going so good, you
know?
224
00:17:09,029 --> 00:17:12,999
Like it was rude to be peaking
right when democracy was
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00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,012
collapsing.
[ Laughter ]
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00:17:14,013 --> 00:17:16,007
It was really weird to say,
thank god for what happened in
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00:17:16,008 --> 00:17:21,015
the fall of 2016.
You know, when I first got a TV
228
00:17:21,016 --> 00:17:23,999
show I thought everything would
kind of feel different.
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00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:28,003
But it really just felt like
high school.
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00:17:28,004 --> 00:17:31,015
Like the show was kind of based
on a web series I made back in
231
00:17:31,016 --> 00:17:34,017
the day called "the
misadventures of an awkward
232
00:17:34,018 --> 00:17:36,014
black girl."
Honestly, that's how I felt all
233
00:17:36,015 --> 00:17:37,021
the time, just awkward and
black.
234
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,007
I felt like a freshman that
first year.
235
00:17:39,008 --> 00:17:43,020
You know?
I'd see all the cliques and the
236
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:48,011
cool girls that I wanted to be
friends with.
237
00:17:48,012 --> 00:17:52,019
And I evened got bullied
sometimes.
238
00:17:52,020 --> 00:17:56,006
.
you guys know it as Twitter.
239
00:17:56,007 --> 00:17:57,007
Twitter can be so scary
sometimes.
240
00:17:57,008 --> 00:17:59,006
Being dragged on social media
feels like a low-stakes horror
241
00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:03,025
movie where, when you're on it,
it feels like, oh!
242
00:18:03,026 --> 00:18:06,002
Oh my god, they're coming for
me, where do I go?
243
00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:30,008
And your battery dies and you're
like, oh.
244
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:33,018
Sometimes you have a Hollywood
event and you have four seconds
245
00:18:33,019 --> 00:18:36,000
to remember their name.
But you buy time by starting
246
00:18:36,001 --> 00:18:39,021
with, oh my god!
Hey, look at you!
247
00:18:39,022 --> 00:18:43,014
If they call me out on it, like
come on, issa, you know me.
248
00:18:43,015 --> 00:18:47,024
I just go, excuse me, I'm Mary
j. Blige, racist.
249
00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:54,000
[ Laughter ]
But doing my show for the last
250
00:18:54,001 --> 00:18:57,018
four years is like high school,
then hosting "SNL" is like my
251
00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:58,019
prom.
And you guys are all my dates.
252
00:18:58,020 --> 00:19:05,011
[ Cheers and applause ]
And I'm ready to go all the way,
253
00:19:05,012 --> 00:19:07,008
y'all!
We have a great show for you.
254
00:19:07,009 --> 00:19:11,002
Justin bieber is here.
[ Cheers and applause ]
255
00:19:11,003 --> 00:19:21,006
So stick around and we'll be
right back!
256
00:19:21,007 --> 00:19:26,008
You're watching CDC, the
Canadian broadcasting
257
00:19:26,009 --> 00:19:33,015
corporation.
258
00:19:37,006 --> 00:19:40,025
Live from Montreal, the best
part of Canada, the worst part
259
00:19:40,026 --> 00:19:46,016
of France.
My name is Jean-Lawrence, or
260
00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:48,012
John Larry.
I'm joined by my beautiful
261
00:19:48,013 --> 00:19:51,027
cohost, Anne-Marie.
Bonjour.
262
00:19:51,028 --> 00:19:53,027
Bonjour.
How was your weekend?
263
00:19:53,028 --> 00:19:58,001
I suffer injury when I made
love to a cirque du soleil
264
00:19:58,002 --> 00:19:59,018
performer.
I choke on the big scarf.
265
00:19:59,019 --> 00:20:03,015
So it was a bold weekend.
Today we are with our colleague
266
00:20:03,016 --> 00:20:05,002
from the south, he is an
267
00:20:09,029 --> 00:20:17,001
American journalist quarantined
in Canada because of COVID-19.
268
00:20:17,002 --> 00:20:19,027
Please welcome from Detroit,
Michigan, Jean-Fred.
269
00:20:19,028 --> 00:20:23,999
Marcie for having moi.
But my name is actually Fred.
270
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:26,017
I said Jean-Fred.
Nope.
271
00:20:26,018 --> 00:20:29,020
Just Fred.
Please welcome Jean-forehead
272
00:20:29,021 --> 00:20:35,018
desjardins.
Okay.
273
00:20:35,019 --> 00:20:38,007
"Hot takes!"
Parliament has proposed a
274
00:20:38,008 --> 00:20:41,021
controversial resolution for
guaranteed universal income, but
275
00:20:41,022 --> 00:20:45,028
is this just an empty welfare
promise?
276
00:20:45,029 --> 00:21:00,005
We'll get your take.
[ Speaking foreign language ]
277
00:21:00,006 --> 00:21:04,014
Jean-Fred?
Uh -- yes?
278
00:21:04,015 --> 00:21:06,002
Or no?
I'm sorry, I don't speak
279
00:21:06,003 --> 00:21:12,011
whatever French this is.
And that's today's "hot
280
00:21:12,012 --> 00:21:15,005
take."
now it's time for our weekly
281
00:21:15,006 --> 00:21:19,013
segment with our correspondent
awa sene.
282
00:21:19,014 --> 00:21:21,999
Bonjour, this is "Drake
watch."
283
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,018
Oh, yes, this is the part of
the show where we find out if
284
00:21:26,019 --> 00:21:28,022
you saw Drake.
Awa, did you see Drake today?
285
00:21:28,023 --> 00:21:34,009
No.
This has been "Drake watch."
286
00:21:34,010 --> 00:21:37,014
Um, sorry, that's it?
That's the whole segment?
287
00:21:37,015 --> 00:21:42,001
Oh, well, I thought I saw
Drake, but it was just my friend
288
00:21:42,002 --> 00:21:44,020
etienne.
Etienne looks a lot like Drake.
289
00:21:44,021 --> 00:21:49,007
Plus I was confused because he
was kind on a basketball court.
290
00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:51,006
Did you check anywhere else
for Drake?
291
00:21:51,007 --> 00:21:53,009
Yes.
I almost found him this morning
292
00:21:53,010 --> 00:21:55,004
when I saw a man in a
wheelchair.
293
00:21:55,005 --> 00:22:02,003
But then I remembered Drake was
only in a wheelchair for
294
00:22:02,004 --> 00:22:05,016
pretend.
Okay.
295
00:22:05,017 --> 00:22:08,015
Awa, please keep us posted if
you see Drake.
296
00:22:08,016 --> 00:22:12,016
Oui, of course.
This has been "Drake watch."
297
00:22:12,017 --> 00:22:13,013
Yoo-hoo, Drake!
298
00:22:16,018 --> 00:22:20,015
What an exciting segment.
Jean-Fred, did you like Drake?
299
00:22:20,016 --> 00:22:25,008
I don't know, he's kind of
fallen off recently --
300
00:22:25,009 --> 00:22:29,025
[ screaming in foreign
language ]
301
00:22:29,026 --> 00:22:33,003
Your guest, please.
How is this a news show?
302
00:22:33,004 --> 00:22:34,028
It's time for "traffic
report."
303
00:22:34,029 --> 00:22:39,028
Today I was driving to work
in my peugeot.
304
00:22:39,029 --> 00:22:46,022
I took a left on Avenue Jacques
cartier, then I parked in a
305
00:22:46,023 --> 00:22:49,001
parking garage.
Great traffic report.
306
00:22:49,002 --> 00:22:51,017
Uh -- you can smoke in the
studio?
307
00:22:51,018 --> 00:22:55,020
Oh, okay, I hear now that we
have a breaking story, we must
308
00:22:55,021 --> 00:22:56,020
cut right away.
309
00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:06,011
Bonjour, hi!
I am at cn tower with a dramatic
310
00:23:06,012 --> 00:23:09,003
development in the search for
Drake.
311
00:23:09,004 --> 00:23:12,001
He is there?
No, Drake is not here.
312
00:23:12,002 --> 00:23:22,000
Then why are you there?
As you can see, it is a
313
00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:24,010
famous view.
Drake is not at this location
314
00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:28,025
but I thought I should check.
But there is no Drake.
315
00:23:28,026 --> 00:23:30,021
That's breaking news?
[ Screaming in foreign
316
00:23:30,022 --> 00:23:35,015
language ]
317
00:23:47,002 --> 00:23:49,017
Ah, we are almost out of
time.
318
00:23:49,018 --> 00:23:53,021
Thank you to Jean-Fred.
Please accept our famous big
319
00:23:53,022 --> 00:23:57,001
weird bagels.
Sorry, these are bagels?
320
00:23:57,002 --> 00:24:00,024
Why is everything 25% different
here?
321
00:24:00,025 --> 00:24:05,001
In Quebec we say, tastes
better with the big o.
322
00:24:05,002 --> 00:24:12,025
Yes, lick the cream cheese
out of the o.
323
00:24:12,026 --> 00:24:14,018
Jean-Fred, stick your face in
the big hole.
324
00:24:14,019 --> 00:24:19,019
Hey, hey, hey!
I regret doing that on camera.
325
00:24:19,020 --> 00:24:23,018
Well, it's time to say au
revoir.
326
00:24:23,019 --> 00:24:29,021
We're sad to go, but that's the
way it is!
327
00:24:29,022 --> 00:24:35,006
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
328
00:24:35,007 --> 00:24:45,028
♪ and that's the way it is ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
329
00:24:45,029 --> 00:24:50,021
All these protests and civil
unrest.
330
00:24:50,022 --> 00:24:51,028
It's clear that people are
hurting.
331
00:24:51,029 --> 00:24:53,012
But how can I help when I don't
even understand what some people
332
00:24:53,013 --> 00:24:55,021
in this country go through every
day?
333
00:24:55,022 --> 00:24:58,005
I wish there were an easier way.
Now there is with new 5-hour
334
00:24:58,006 --> 00:25:00,013
empathy.
5-hour empathy?
335
00:25:00,014 --> 00:25:04,007
What's that?
From the makers of 5-hour
336
00:25:04,008 --> 00:25:08,014
energy comes a brand-new formula
that provides five full hours of
337
00:25:08,015 --> 00:25:10,999
complete intimate understanding
of years of systemic oppression
338
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,007
and ever-present racism.
Wow.
339
00:25:13,008 --> 00:25:15,006
All that in one little bottle?
That's right.
340
00:25:15,007 --> 00:25:21,021
That's great!
So -- are you going to try
341
00:25:21,022 --> 00:25:26,006
it?
Uh -- try -- uh -- what?
342
00:25:26,007 --> 00:25:28,013
The stuff?
Yeah.
343
00:25:28,014 --> 00:25:32,013
The stuff I just told you about.
You know it!
344
00:25:32,014 --> 00:25:35,022
I mean -- uh -- yeah.
Well -- do you want to do
345
00:25:35,023 --> 00:25:38,007
that now?
You did say you wanted to
346
00:25:38,008 --> 00:25:40,006
understand what was making
people so upset.
347
00:25:40,007 --> 00:25:41,014
I do.
Did you say it lasts five hours?
348
00:25:41,015 --> 00:25:42,999
That's right.
Oh!
349
00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,014
Yeah.
I can't.
350
00:25:45,015 --> 00:25:47,999
I, uh --
you're not scared, are you?
351
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,999
Scared?
No!
352
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:57,021
Okay.
Fine.
353
00:25:57,022 --> 00:26:01,028
Oh.
Wow.
354
00:26:01,029 --> 00:26:04,013
I get it now.
I need to do better.
355
00:26:04,014 --> 00:26:06,021
The cap is still on.
Come on, man.
356
00:26:06,022 --> 00:26:09,006
I'm not a racist!
I'm voting for biden, what more
357
00:26:09,007 --> 00:26:12,006
do you want?
Honey, what's wrong?
358
00:26:12,007 --> 00:26:16,014
Are too many NFL players
kneeling again?
359
00:26:16,015 --> 00:26:17,999
What?
No, I wish more would.
360
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,999
Look, she'll take it.
No, I don't need that because
361
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:25,006
I'm a woman, so it's the same.
She said what?
362
00:26:25,007 --> 00:26:27,022
Hey, man.
We get it.
363
00:26:27,023 --> 00:26:29,021
We're good here.
They fired uncle Ben.
364
00:26:29,022 --> 00:26:32,013
Everything's fine.
Get out of my house.
365
00:26:32,014 --> 00:26:33,999
Or what, you're going to call
the police?
366
00:26:34,000 --> 00:26:36,021
Oh -- you -- you're trying
to -- now I'm not going to --
367
00:26:36,022 --> 00:26:38,021
okay, fine.
I'll take it.
368
00:26:38,022 --> 00:26:42,022
Great.
Do it.
369
00:26:42,023 --> 00:26:45,999
That makes sense.
5-hour empathy.
370
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,014
For when you just don't get it.
371
00:26:53,012 --> 00:26:59,018
I guess the waiter forgot to
give us menus?
372
00:26:59,019 --> 00:27:01,001
Oh, no, the menu is on the
bar code thing, take a picture
373
00:27:01,002 --> 00:27:02,023
and it's on your phone.
That's convenient.
374
00:27:02,024 --> 00:27:07,004
Right?
I take it you haven't been on a
375
00:27:07,005 --> 00:27:08,003
date since COVID?
Not really.
376
00:27:08,004 --> 00:27:09,007
Then again, I didn't date before
COVID either.
377
00:27:09,008 --> 00:27:11,007
Really?
That's a surprise.
378
00:27:11,008 --> 00:27:13,007
Yeah, I don't have the best
luck with guys.
379
00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:15,022
They all end up crazy.
What's your type?
380
00:27:15,023 --> 00:27:18,000
Not you.
Damn.
381
00:27:18,001 --> 00:27:22,009
No, I didn't mean it like
that.
382
00:27:22,010 --> 00:27:24,007
That came out wrong.
I meant, I don't usually date
383
00:27:24,008 --> 00:27:28,009
guys who take me to fancy places
like this.
384
00:27:28,010 --> 00:27:33,022
This is really nice.
Oh, well, I'm happy I could
385
00:27:33,023 --> 00:27:35,999
show you this.
Yeah, me too.
386
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:38,014
You know what's good is this
crab ravioli in cream sauce,
387
00:27:38,015 --> 00:27:42,023
right?
Sharon?
388
00:27:42,024 --> 00:27:45,013
Sharon?
That is you, girl.
389
00:27:45,014 --> 00:27:50,018
Hey, Clifford.
You are looking good!
390
00:27:50,019 --> 00:27:56,017
Mm, mm, mm!
I see you got them yams out,
391
00:27:56,018 --> 00:28:05,010
mm-mm.
Looking all pretty, titty meat
392
00:28:05,011 --> 00:28:07,000
all popping out.
Clifford, I'm kind of busy
393
00:28:07,001 --> 00:28:08,013
right now.
My bad, my bad, I didn't mean
394
00:28:08,014 --> 00:28:09,014
to intrude.
Well, you are.
395
00:28:09,015 --> 00:28:12,027
Okay.
Live your life, girl.
396
00:28:12,028 --> 00:28:14,015
Live your life.
But it is good to see you.
397
00:28:14,016 --> 00:28:16,014
You go.
Mm, mm, mm.
398
00:28:16,015 --> 00:28:19,019
The one that got away.
Good-bye, Clifford.
399
00:28:19,020 --> 00:28:23,022
Oh, all right.
Hey, bruh.
400
00:28:23,023 --> 00:28:27,013
She is a woman, all right?
Don't you mess it up like I did.
401
00:28:27,014 --> 00:28:30,003
Okay.
Hey, you want to buy this
402
00:28:30,004 --> 00:28:32,011
flower?
You don't have to do that.
403
00:28:32,012 --> 00:28:34,004
Bye, Clifford.
Oh, man, you hating on my
404
00:28:34,005 --> 00:28:38,018
business, okay, fine.
I am so sorry about that.
405
00:28:38,019 --> 00:28:40,010
No, that's cool.
So you know him or something?
406
00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:43,003
Yeah.
We sort of kind of dated for a
407
00:28:43,004 --> 00:28:46,018
while.
Like when y'all were kids?
408
00:28:46,019 --> 00:28:51,010
No, we used to work together.
Anyway.
409
00:28:51,011 --> 00:28:53,009
So the ravioli is in a cream
sauce?
410
00:28:53,010 --> 00:28:58,003
The what, now?
The crab ravioli.
411
00:28:58,004 --> 00:28:59,019
Oh --
I'll burn this whole place to
412
00:28:59,020 --> 00:29:03,011
the ground!
Sharon?
413
00:29:03,012 --> 00:29:05,003
[ Laughter ]
That you, girl?
414
00:29:05,004 --> 00:29:08,014
You've got to be kidding me.
Hey, karate man.
415
00:29:08,015 --> 00:29:10,003
Karate man?
Konnichiwa, girl.
416
00:29:10,004 --> 00:29:11,026
Look at you.
Legs all out like ka pow!
417
00:29:11,027 --> 00:29:16,003
Ka blam!
Yo, my man.
418
00:29:16,004 --> 00:29:17,015
Karate man.
Okay, karate man, do you
419
00:29:17,016 --> 00:29:18,025
mind?
We're on a date right now.
420
00:29:18,026 --> 00:29:24,015
A date?
So that's how you're living now,
421
00:29:24,016 --> 00:29:26,008
Sharon?
Karate man what do you want
422
00:29:26,009 --> 00:29:28,003
from me?
Okay, you said you wanted your
423
00:29:28,004 --> 00:29:30,011
space so I gave it to you.
You're right, you're right.
424
00:29:30,012 --> 00:29:31,018
But losing you was my only
regret.
425
00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:34,011
You only have one regret?
[ Laughter ]
426
00:29:34,012 --> 00:29:36,003
Anyway, I'll go.
I don't mean to ruin your feng
427
00:29:36,004 --> 00:29:38,018
shui.
Well, you are.
428
00:29:38,019 --> 00:29:43,000
Take care of her, man.
She likes her butt slapped.
429
00:29:43,001 --> 00:29:46,027
[ Laughter ]
I am so, so sorry.
430
00:29:46,028 --> 00:29:48,026
Wow.
Two exes in a row, what are the
431
00:29:48,027 --> 00:29:53,005
odds?
And he broke up with you?
432
00:29:53,006 --> 00:29:55,019
I wish.
He just ghosted me.
433
00:29:55,020 --> 00:29:58,010
Maybe we should just go inside.
We can't, they're like at 2%
434
00:29:58,011 --> 00:29:59,025
capacity.
Where are you meeting these
435
00:29:59,026 --> 00:30:04,007
dudes?
Oh, well, work mostly.
436
00:30:04,008 --> 00:30:05,014
Look, I don't want to talk about
them.
437
00:30:05,015 --> 00:30:07,007
Tell me about you.
What do you do?
438
00:30:07,008 --> 00:30:12,003
Well, I just made partner at
the law firm I work at.
439
00:30:12,004 --> 00:30:13,016
First person of color.
Wow!
440
00:30:13,017 --> 00:30:15,017
Yeah.
Is that Sharon?
441
00:30:15,018 --> 00:30:17,014
[ Laughter ]
Another one?
442
00:30:17,015 --> 00:30:24,009
That is Sharon.
I see you trying to hide from
443
00:30:24,010 --> 00:30:26,021
me, girl, I'd recognize that pit
meat anyway.
444
00:30:26,022 --> 00:30:30,007
Hey, robot.
Been awhile.
445
00:30:30,008 --> 00:30:32,006
Remember my dog, astro?
You got a little chocolate daddy
446
00:30:32,007 --> 00:30:33,014
now.
I ain't mad at ya.
447
00:30:33,015 --> 00:30:38,002
What did you call me?
I ain't got time to flap, I'm
448
00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:43,013
late for a protest.
They're trying to close down the
449
00:30:43,014 --> 00:30:47,024
peep world on eighth Avenue.
Just take them, robot.
450
00:30:47,025 --> 00:30:51,014
I'll see you around, sugar.
Okay, tell me you didn't date
451
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,016
him too.
No, he's just a work friend.
452
00:30:52,017 --> 00:30:55,011
But we had a lot of sex.
Eww.
453
00:30:55,012 --> 00:30:57,011
Where the hell do you work?
Just around the corner.
454
00:30:57,012 --> 00:31:01,012
I told you, I'm an Elsa.
An Elsa?
455
00:31:01,013 --> 00:31:03,011
Yeah, I'm a Times Square
Elsa.
456
00:31:03,012 --> 00:31:05,027
First woman of color, by the
way.
457
00:31:05,028 --> 00:31:07,014
Okay, you definitely never
told me that.
458
00:31:07,015 --> 00:31:09,006
Remember?
I said I was a Princess?
459
00:31:09,007 --> 00:31:13,005
I thought that meant your dad
was rich.
460
00:31:13,006 --> 00:31:15,026
Look, I'm sorry if this is
all too weird.
461
00:31:15,027 --> 00:31:19,018
Maybe I should leave.
No.
462
00:31:19,019 --> 00:31:22,028
No, no, wait, look.
I'm not going to judge you based
463
00:31:22,029 --> 00:31:25,026
off your past, all right?
Let's forget all that and start
464
00:31:25,027 --> 00:31:26,020
over, all right?
Deal?
465
00:31:26,021 --> 00:31:30,003
Yeah.
Duane?
466
00:31:30,004 --> 00:31:35,014
Is that you, Duane?
Oh, hey, Kristin.
467
00:31:35,015 --> 00:31:49,012
Who is this bitch?
[ Cheers and applause ]
468
00:31:49,013 --> 00:31:52,003
Ladies and gentlemen, Justin
bieber.
469
00:31:52,004 --> 00:31:56,003
[ Cheers and applause ]
470
00:31:56,024 --> 00:32:05,000
♪♪♪
♪ I hear a lot about sinners
471
00:32:05,001 --> 00:32:08,022
don't think that
I'll be a Saint
472
00:32:08,023 --> 00:32:15,009
but I might go down ♪
♪ to the river
473
00:32:15,010 --> 00:32:18,008
'cause the way that the
sky opens up when we touch
474
00:32:18,009 --> 00:32:21,000
yeah it's making me say ♪
♪ that the way you hold me
475
00:32:21,001 --> 00:32:24,008
hold me hold me
hold me hold me
476
00:32:24,009 --> 00:32:31,011
feels so ♪
♪ holy holy holy holy holy
477
00:32:31,012 --> 00:32:33,019
oh god
runnin' to the altar
478
00:32:33,020 --> 00:32:38,004
like a track star ♪
♪ can't wait another second
479
00:32:38,005 --> 00:32:40,004
the way you
hold me hold me hold me
480
00:32:40,005 --> 00:32:43,004
hold me hold me ♪
♪ feels so holy
481
00:32:43,005 --> 00:32:48,004
I don't do well
with the drama
482
00:32:48,005 --> 00:32:52,019
and no I can't stand it ♪
♪ being fake
483
00:32:52,020 --> 00:33:04,002
no no no no no no no no
I don't believe in nirvana
484
00:33:04,003 --> 00:33:09,015
but the way that we love in the
night gave me life baby I can't
485
00:33:09,016 --> 00:33:15,027
explain that the way you hold me
hold me hold me ♪
486
00:33:15,028 --> 00:33:20,007
♪ feels so holy holy holy holy
oh god ♪
487
00:33:20,008 --> 00:33:22,001
♪ runnin' to the altar
like a track star
488
00:33:22,002 --> 00:33:23,024
can't wait another second
'cause the way you ♪
489
00:33:23,025 --> 00:33:25,016
♪ hold me hold me hold me
hold me hold me
490
00:33:25,017 --> 00:33:28,023
feels so holy
they say we're ♪
491
00:33:28,024 --> 00:33:31,001
♪ too young and
the pimps and the players
492
00:33:31,002 --> 00:33:34,000
say don't go crushing
wise men say fools rush in ♪
493
00:33:34,001 --> 00:33:39,015
♪ but I don't know
they say we're
494
00:33:39,016 --> 00:33:41,023
too young and
the pimps and the players ♪
495
00:33:41,024 --> 00:33:48,015
♪ say don't go crushing
wise men say fools rush in
496
00:33:48,016 --> 00:33:51,008
but I don't know
chance the rapper ♪
497
00:33:51,009 --> 00:33:54,015
♪ the first step
pleases the father
498
00:33:54,016 --> 00:33:59,023
might be the hardest
to take ♪
499
00:33:59,024 --> 00:34:05,000
♪ but when you come out
of the water
500
00:34:05,001 --> 00:34:07,008
I'm a believer
my heart is fleshy ♪
501
00:34:07,009 --> 00:34:11,999
♪ life is short with a
temper like Joe pesci
502
00:34:12,000 --> 00:34:13,016
they want to come and sing your
praises ♪
503
00:34:13,017 --> 00:34:14,023
♪ your name is catchy
but they don't see you
504
00:34:14,024 --> 00:34:19,000
how I see you
parlay and desi ♪
505
00:34:19,001 --> 00:34:21,008
♪ cross tween tween
hit the jet speed
506
00:34:21,009 --> 00:34:23,015
when they get messy
go lefty like Lionel messi ♪
507
00:34:23,016 --> 00:34:25,008
♪ let's take a trip
and get the vespas
508
00:34:25,009 --> 00:34:27,000
or rent a jetski
I know the spots that ♪
509
00:34:27,001 --> 00:34:30,001
♪ got the best weed
we goin' next week
510
00:34:30,002 --> 00:34:31,023
I wanna I wanna honor you
♪ father's child
511
00:34:31,024 --> 00:34:33,008
I know when the son
takes the first steps
512
00:34:33,009 --> 00:34:34,023
the father's proud ♪
♪ if you make it
513
00:34:34,024 --> 00:34:36,008
to the water
he'll part the clouds
514
00:34:36,009 --> 00:34:38,008
I know he made you a ♪
♪ snack like Oscar proud
515
00:34:38,009 --> 00:34:41,008
suffer it to be so now
gotta clean it up
516
00:34:41,009 --> 00:34:43,001
formalize the union ♪
♪ in communion he can trust
517
00:34:43,002 --> 00:34:45,001
I know I ain't leaving you
like I know
518
00:34:45,002 --> 00:34:47,000
he ain't leaving us ♪
♪ I know we believe in god
519
00:34:47,001 --> 00:34:51,000
and I know
god believes in us ♪
520
00:34:51,001 --> 00:34:52,022
♪ the way you hold me
hold me hold me
521
00:34:52,023 --> 00:34:55,022
hold me hold me
feels so ♪
522
00:34:55,023 --> 00:35:00,004
♪ holy holy holy holy holy
oh god
523
00:35:00,005 --> 00:35:03,019
runnin' to the altar
like a track star ♪
524
00:35:03,020 --> 00:35:06,012
♪ can't wait another second
oh god
525
00:35:06,013 --> 00:35:10,005
runnin' to the altar
like a track star ♪
526
00:35:10,006 --> 00:35:12,012
♪ can't wait another second
oh god
527
00:35:12,013 --> 00:35:15,004
runnin' to the altar
like a track star ♪
528
00:35:15,005 --> 00:35:18,026
♪ can't wait another second
the way you hold me
529
00:35:18,027 --> 00:35:27,026
hold me hold me
hold me feels so holy ♪♪♪
530
00:35:27,027 --> 00:35:35,016
[ Cheers and applause ]
531
00:35:42,024 --> 00:35:47,001
It's "weekend update" with
Colin jost and Michael che.
532
00:35:47,002 --> 00:35:53,004
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
533
00:35:53,005 --> 00:35:54,018
Good evening, everyone.
Welcome to "weekend update."
534
00:35:54,019 --> 00:35:57,019
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
535
00:35:57,020 --> 00:35:59,001
This week, President Trump held
more coronavirus give-aways
536
00:35:59,002 --> 00:36:03,017
across the country.
As part of his "herd immunity"
537
00:36:03,018 --> 00:36:06,014
tour.
He started in Florida and showed
538
00:36:06,015 --> 00:36:08,022
off how healthy his brain is,
saying this.
539
00:36:08,023 --> 00:36:12,026
They say I'm immune, I can
feel -- I feel so powerful.
540
00:36:12,027 --> 00:36:16,007
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
541
00:36:16,008 --> 00:36:20,007
Nothing says I'm off steroids
like screaming, I feel so
542
00:36:20,008 --> 00:36:34,022
powerful!
Like Ross from "the gonies."
543
00:36:34,023 --> 00:36:40,004
Then at a rally in Pennsylvania,
a congressman literally crowd
544
00:36:40,005 --> 00:36:43,016
surfed, I guess on the second
wave of COVID, yet Trump seemed
545
00:36:43,017 --> 00:36:45,004
to think he could lose this
election.
546
00:36:45,005 --> 00:36:46,014
Listen to this reserve.
Could you imagine if I lose?
547
00:36:46,015 --> 00:36:47,026
My whole life, what am I going
to do?
548
00:36:47,027 --> 00:36:49,012
I'm going to say, I lost to the
worst candidate in the history
549
00:36:49,013 --> 00:36:51,019
of politics.
I'm not going to feel so good.
550
00:36:51,020 --> 00:36:53,027
Maybe I'll have to leave the
country, I don't know.
551
00:36:53,028 --> 00:36:56,010
Hey.
Don't make promises you don't
552
00:36:56,011 --> 00:37:04,025
intend to keep.
[ Laughter ]
553
00:37:04,026 --> 00:37:07,014
Besides, no other country would
accept you, because you come
554
00:37:07,015 --> 00:37:10,014
from America which has way too
many COVID cases.
555
00:37:10,015 --> 00:37:11,018
[ Laughter ]
Though it would be very
556
00:37:11,019 --> 00:37:15,005
satisfying if this all ends with
Donald Trump becoming an illegal
557
00:37:15,006 --> 00:37:16,017
immigrant.
[ Laughter ]
558
00:37:16,018 --> 00:37:19,004
To whatever country gets Trump,
I just want to apologize,
559
00:37:19,005 --> 00:37:21,020
because we're not sending our
best or our brightest.
560
00:37:21,021 --> 00:37:23,018
[ Laughter ]
561
00:37:25,016 --> 00:37:27,000
Nbc held a town hall event
with President Trump because,
562
00:37:27,001 --> 00:37:36,010
what can I say, we have a type.
[ Laughter and moans ]
563
00:37:36,011 --> 00:37:37,028
I'm sorry you guys don't like
it.
564
00:37:37,029 --> 00:37:40,021
Who are these town halls even
for?
565
00:37:40,022 --> 00:37:42,016
Who's still on the fence about
this election?
566
00:37:42,017 --> 00:37:45,012
Whether you're voting for Trump
or biden, you've definitely made
567
00:37:45,013 --> 00:37:47,999
up your mind and you're probably
not thrilled about it.
568
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,013
These choices are so bad that
kanye's running and people are
569
00:37:49,014 --> 00:37:53,004
like, maybe?
[ Laughter ]
570
00:37:53,005 --> 00:37:56,014
That wouldn't happen if we had
actual, good candidates.
571
00:37:56,015 --> 00:38:00,002
When Kennedy was running against
Nixon nobody was like, what
572
00:38:00,003 --> 00:38:06,005
about little Richard?
[ Laughter ]
573
00:38:06,006 --> 00:38:14,025
C-span suspended debate
moderator Steve sculley after
574
00:38:14,026 --> 00:38:16,002
falsely claiming his Twitter
account was hacked.
575
00:38:16,003 --> 00:38:17,022
Wow.
Just more juicy drama from those
576
00:38:17,023 --> 00:38:20,012
messy bitches at c-span.
[ Laughter ]
577
00:38:20,013 --> 00:38:21,027
According to insiders, U.S.
intelligence agencies warned the
578
00:38:21,028 --> 00:38:23,020
White House last year that Rudy
giuliani was a target of an
579
00:38:23,021 --> 00:38:26,020
influence operation by Russian
intelligence.
580
00:38:26,021 --> 00:38:30,020
I'm actually more worried about
Russian intelligence if their
581
00:38:30,021 --> 00:38:32,004
plan was to rely on the American
Mr. Bean.
582
00:38:32,005 --> 00:38:36,012
[ Laughter ]
Counting on Rudy to carry out
583
00:38:36,013 --> 00:38:37,026
your secret mission is like
handing your grocery list to
584
00:38:37,027 --> 00:38:41,025
your dog.
[ Laughter ]
585
00:38:41,026 --> 00:38:44,025
It was also reported that after
President Trump was warned that
586
00:38:44,026 --> 00:38:47,009
giuliani was being fed
misinformation by the Russians,
587
00:38:47,010 --> 00:38:51,018
Trump just shrugged his
shoulders and said, that's Rudy.
588
00:38:51,019 --> 00:38:56,001
That's Rudy, Thursdays on CBS.
This week, President Trump
589
00:38:56,002 --> 00:39:00,001
also refused to condemn the
conspiracy group q-anon, saying,
590
00:39:00,002 --> 00:39:07,005
I know nothing about q-anon.
Which come on, how could he not
591
00:39:07,006 --> 00:39:09,019
know about q-anon?
He's on Twitter all day.
592
00:39:09,020 --> 00:39:11,002
That would be like if I say, I
know nothing about Lexington
593
00:39:11,003 --> 00:39:12,017
steel!
Nothing.
594
00:39:12,018 --> 00:39:17,005
[ Laughter ]
I think he's probably just never
595
00:39:17,006 --> 00:39:20,024
heard the word "q-anon" out loud
before.
596
00:39:20,025 --> 00:39:21,027
When he got home he was like,
oh, you meant canyon?
597
00:39:21,028 --> 00:39:23,004
Love those dudes!
598
00:39:25,020 --> 00:39:30,015
It's been a bumpy couple of
weeks for the Trump family.
599
00:39:30,016 --> 00:39:48,026
Here is an update from first
sons Eric and Don Trump Jr.
600
00:39:48,027 --> 00:39:51,004
Hey, Colin.
Thanks for having us.
601
00:39:51,005 --> 00:39:54,001
Great -- great to see you
guys.
602
00:39:54,002 --> 00:39:56,024
Let's lose the mask, buddy,
can't hear you.
603
00:39:56,025 --> 00:39:59,023
Oh, it's wet!
Have you been chewing on it,
604
00:39:59,024 --> 00:40:02,020
buddy?
No.
605
00:40:02,021 --> 00:40:08,020
Okay.
I'm very glad -- I'm very glad
606
00:40:08,021 --> 00:40:10,022
to see you both healthy.
Oh, yeah.
607
00:40:10,023 --> 00:40:14,015
Healthy and thriving, Colin.
I've been out on the campaign
608
00:40:14,016 --> 00:40:21,007
trail superspreading my father's
message.
609
00:40:21,008 --> 00:40:27,000
And Eric had his very first zoom
business meeting today.
610
00:40:27,001 --> 00:40:28,007
I was muted.
You were.
611
00:40:28,008 --> 00:40:32,025
[ Laughter ]
So good.
612
00:40:32,026 --> 00:40:35,006
Did great.
Most polls show your father
613
00:40:35,007 --> 00:40:38,019
trailing Joe biden.
Is he worried about losing
614
00:40:38,020 --> 00:40:41,009
re-election?
Dad isn't worried about
615
00:40:41,010 --> 00:40:43,011
losing this election.
In fact, he's terrified.
616
00:40:43,012 --> 00:40:44,003
No.
617
00:40:47,022 --> 00:40:54,024
No, he's not.
Because, Colin, he knows his
618
00:40:54,025 --> 00:40:56,021
base will show up on election
day.
619
00:40:56,022 --> 00:40:58,006
In fact, he calls all his
supporters --
620
00:40:58,007 --> 00:41:00,018
white trash.
No.
621
00:41:00,019 --> 00:41:04,009
[ Laughter ]
No, he does not.
622
00:41:04,010 --> 00:41:09,013
He does not.
Yep, and he does that voice,
623
00:41:09,014 --> 00:41:12,023
ha ha!
No.
624
00:41:12,024 --> 00:41:14,025
Do you want some hand sanitizer,
buddy?
625
00:41:14,026 --> 00:41:16,020
Why don't you do that?
You've been touching stuff all
626
00:41:16,021 --> 00:41:19,021
day.
Look, Colin.
627
00:41:19,022 --> 00:41:22,006
Be careful with that, buddy.
Sleepy creepy Joe doesn't have
628
00:41:22,007 --> 00:41:25,002
the stamina to pull off a win
here.
629
00:41:25,003 --> 00:41:30,006
I'll tell you why.
His platform is just reheated
630
00:41:30,007 --> 00:41:33,020
Obama-era policies that -- Eric,
Eric -- did you drink it again?
631
00:41:33,021 --> 00:41:35,019
Dad said it was fine.
[ Laughter ]
632
00:41:35,020 --> 00:41:41,012
It's not, buddy.
Come on.
633
00:41:41,013 --> 00:41:42,011
98% alcohol.
You okay?
634
00:41:42,012 --> 00:42:00,013
[ Laughter ]
Uh-huh.
635
00:42:00,014 --> 00:42:07,025
So your father's confident
he's going to win in November?
636
00:42:07,026 --> 00:42:12,005
Oh, yeah.
And the whole family -- the
637
00:42:12,006 --> 00:42:17,002
whole family has got his back.
Just ask our sister Tiffany.
638
00:42:17,003 --> 00:42:20,011
[ Cheers and applause ]
639
00:42:32,027 --> 00:42:36,018
Happy birthday to me!
Hi, Colin.
640
00:42:36,019 --> 00:42:38,026
Hi, Tiffany.
I see you're still celebrating
641
00:42:38,027 --> 00:42:44,002
your birthday.
Even though you got some flack
642
00:42:44,003 --> 00:42:47,001
in the press.
Yeah, the media got all butt
643
00:42:47,002 --> 00:42:51,007
hurt because I was part of a
mass gathering in Miami in a
644
00:42:51,008 --> 00:42:55,016
boat.
But my name is Tiffany, it's
645
00:42:55,017 --> 00:43:02,000
kind of my job to get faded on
south beach.
646
00:43:02,001 --> 00:43:06,020
She's kidding, Colin.
Don, Don, Don, who is that
647
00:43:06,021 --> 00:43:09,014
lady?
That's your sister, Eric.
648
00:43:09,015 --> 00:43:12,004
Wait, tiff, I don't know if you
and Eric have ever officially
649
00:43:12,005 --> 00:43:20,003
met.
Not in person, no.
650
00:43:20,004 --> 00:43:29,003
Hi, not-vanka.
Tiffany, I'm sorry.
651
00:43:29,004 --> 00:43:33,023
Hey, I'm used to it.
No, hey, Tiffany, I have to
652
00:43:33,024 --> 00:43:36,013
ask, are you worried about
spreading COVID to your party
653
00:43:36,014 --> 00:43:38,018
guests, considering your father
just had it?
654
00:43:38,019 --> 00:43:40,003
Oh, no, daddy's always taken
the six-foot social distance
655
00:43:40,004 --> 00:43:44,018
rule very seriously with me.
As you can see, Colin, we're a
656
00:43:44,019 --> 00:43:48,999
united front.
And we know dad is going to win
657
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,015
no matter what the dems try to
stir up, Colin.
658
00:43:51,016 --> 00:43:55,022
Like this latest debt nonsense.
Please.
659
00:43:55,023 --> 00:43:58,016
My dad doesn't owe $400 million,
he owes --
660
00:43:58,017 --> 00:44:02,026
$800 million.
No.
661
00:44:02,027 --> 00:44:04,004
Absolutely not.
He owes --
662
00:44:04,005 --> 00:44:09,004
$1 billion.
No, he owes a little.
663
00:44:09,005 --> 00:44:11,019
But Colin, you know how my dad
does business.
664
00:44:11,020 --> 00:44:15,020
He goes big or --
he goes to jail.
665
00:44:15,021 --> 00:44:21,015
No.
I can't handle them both.
666
00:44:21,016 --> 00:44:24,025
The first kids, everyone.
[ Cheers and applause ]
667
00:44:24,026 --> 00:44:30,010
According to Google,
according to Google,
668
00:44:30,011 --> 00:44:31,025
the top Halloween costume
searches this year are for
669
00:44:31,026 --> 00:44:34,002
witch, dinosaur, or Harley
Quinn.
670
00:44:34,003 --> 00:44:35,999
Or you can combine all three by
going as kellyanne Conway.
671
00:44:36,000 --> 00:44:39,019
[ Laughter ]
672
00:44:43,017 --> 00:44:46,020
The Latin American wife of
Pennsylvania's lieutenant
673
00:44:46,021 --> 00:44:50,007
governor claims she was called a
racist slur while at the grocery
674
00:44:50,008 --> 00:44:52,003
store.
It's the worst case of racism at
675
00:44:52,004 --> 00:44:59,024
the grocery store since every
jar of Newman's own salsa.
676
00:44:59,025 --> 00:45:06,022
Police reported that someone
stole a 21-year-old ring-tailed
677
00:45:06,023 --> 00:45:08,007
lemur from the San Francisco
zoo.
678
00:45:08,008 --> 00:45:09,019
For reference, this is what a
21-year-old ring-tailed lemur
679
00:45:09,020 --> 00:45:14,019
looks like.
[ Laughter ]
680
00:45:14,020 --> 00:45:17,023
[ Laughter ]
Voters across the country
681
00:45:17,024 --> 00:45:20,001
are making their final decisions
on this election.
682
00:45:20,002 --> 00:45:24,006
We sent our very own aidy Bryant
to check in with real voters out
683
00:45:24,007 --> 00:45:31,018
there in the heart land in our
new segment, "aidy in America."
684
00:45:31,019 --> 00:45:33,000
♪ Aidy in America ♪
aidy, how's it going out
685
00:45:33,001 --> 00:45:34,003
there?
Not good, Colin.
686
00:45:34,004 --> 00:45:37,026
It's going pretty bad.
Oh, okay.
687
00:45:37,027 --> 00:45:45,003
Well, where are you?
Um -- I don't know.
688
00:45:45,004 --> 00:45:48,011
Okay.
Well, have you spoken to any
689
00:45:48,012 --> 00:45:51,010
undecided voters?
No, I have not.
690
00:45:51,011 --> 00:45:57,018
Haven't found a single one yet.
I'm sorry.
691
00:45:57,019 --> 00:46:03,010
♪ Aidy in America ♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
692
00:46:03,011 --> 00:46:04,023
Fisher price has launched an
online museum showcasing its
693
00:46:04,024 --> 00:46:08,026
toys over 90 years.
Or you can see them in person at
694
00:46:08,027 --> 00:46:13,025
America's famous toy museum, the
neverland ranch.
695
00:46:13,026 --> 00:46:15,015
[ Audience moans ]
I thought you wouldn't like
696
00:46:15,016 --> 00:46:16,028
that.
697
00:46:19,004 --> 00:46:22,018
According to new research,
men with deeper voices are more
698
00:46:22,019 --> 00:46:25,007
likely to cheat on their
partners.
699
00:46:25,008 --> 00:46:27,016
[ Using deep voice ]
But you can't believe
700
00:46:27,017 --> 00:46:30,006
scientists, baby.
[ Laughter ]
701
00:46:30,007 --> 00:46:34,019
[ Laughter ]
Is that "voice blackface"?
702
00:46:34,020 --> 00:46:36,005
Police in Ohio say that a
report of a homeless man
703
00:46:36,006 --> 00:46:38,019
sleeping on a bench turned out
to be a statue, which was a huge
704
00:46:38,020 --> 00:46:43,015
relief, because they shot it 15
times.
705
00:46:43,016 --> 00:46:47,027
[ Laughter and moans ]
Oh, man!
706
00:46:47,028 --> 00:46:53,019
A woman flying to Detroit
said she woke up to a pastor
707
00:46:53,020 --> 00:46:56,009
urinating on her.
Which explains why her dream was
708
00:46:56,010 --> 00:46:59,007
about being baptized.
709
00:47:05,002 --> 00:47:10,000
People in the art industry
have criticized four different
710
00:47:10,001 --> 00:47:17,012
museums' plans to exhibit
features of kkk.
711
00:47:17,013 --> 00:47:19,027
If you want to see portraits of
klansmen, you can always search
712
00:47:19,028 --> 00:47:34,001
jost on ancestry.Com.
[ Laughter ]
713
00:47:34,002 --> 00:47:35,010
A restaurant in San
Francisco is selling a fried
714
00:47:35,011 --> 00:47:37,008
chicken sandwich that includes
the chicken claw.
715
00:47:37,009 --> 00:47:42,008
Not to be outdone, kfc just
announced their new beaks-only
716
00:47:42,009 --> 00:47:44,003
bucket.
[ Laughter ]
717
00:47:44,004 --> 00:47:47,015
[ Laughter ]
New York City bars and clubs
718
00:47:47,016 --> 00:47:52,008
have been closed for seven
months due to the pandemic.
719
00:47:52,009 --> 00:47:54,009
Here to comment on the state of
the night life industry is
720
00:47:54,010 --> 00:48:01,021
famous '80s cocaine wife Carla.
[ Cheers and applause ]
721
00:48:01,022 --> 00:48:04,006
Hi!
Hi, Michael, how are you, baby?
722
00:48:04,007 --> 00:48:06,005
I'm great, Carla.
Yeah?
723
00:48:06,006 --> 00:48:07,008
Yeah, you good?
Yeah.
724
00:48:07,009 --> 00:48:10,005
How's the family?
How's Kate?
725
00:48:10,006 --> 00:48:12,018
She good?
Kenan?
726
00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:15,006
Ha ha, you know kenan makes me
laugh, Michael.
727
00:48:15,007 --> 00:48:18,014
He makes me laugh.
Yeah, yeah, they're good,
728
00:48:18,015 --> 00:48:24,001
everybody's good.
Yeah?
729
00:48:24,002 --> 00:48:28,019
So where's the after party?
Where we going tonight, Michael?
730
00:48:28,020 --> 00:48:30,011
There's no after party,
Carla, there's a virus.
731
00:48:30,012 --> 00:48:34,001
No party?
Oh, come on, Michael.
732
00:48:34,002 --> 00:48:35,024
Where's the party.
Emilio's?
733
00:48:35,025 --> 00:48:41,028
Canolios?
You, me, lon, and a fat lasagna
734
00:48:41,029 --> 00:48:45,000
at 3:00 A.M., Michael?
There's no party.
735
00:48:45,001 --> 00:48:47,001
We all have to go to work and we
want to keep everybody safe.
736
00:48:47,002 --> 00:48:56,011
But I want to dance, Michael.
I want to dance.
737
00:48:56,012 --> 00:48:59,009
Dance with me.
Colin will dance with me, baby.
738
00:48:59,010 --> 00:49:04,019
Colin loves beautiful women.
Yeah, I just -- I don't want
739
00:49:04,020 --> 00:49:06,999
to be involved in this.
[ Laughter ]
740
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:10,011
No, you know what?
I just -- I saw on your
741
00:49:10,012 --> 00:49:14,028
monitor -- I got to powder my
nose.
742
00:49:14,029 --> 00:49:19,012
Oh, Carla, no, Carla, what
are you doing?
743
00:49:19,013 --> 00:49:22,000
I'm good, I'm good, Michael,
I'm good.
744
00:49:22,001 --> 00:49:23,013
Carla, you're supposed to be
here to talk about night life.
745
00:49:23,014 --> 00:49:24,014
A lot of people have lost their
jobs.
746
00:49:24,015 --> 00:49:33,006
Job?
I don't have a job, Michael.
747
00:49:33,007 --> 00:49:37,023
I'm a home wrecker, plaintiff?
Of course, my husband Bobby has
748
00:49:37,024 --> 00:49:41,008
a lot of men working for him.
Oh, yeah?
749
00:49:41,009 --> 00:49:42,023
What exactly does your husband
do?
750
00:49:42,024 --> 00:49:45,000
Scaffolding garbage
construction.
751
00:49:45,001 --> 00:49:50,003
[ Laughter ]
He'd be jealous if he knew I was
752
00:49:50,004 --> 00:49:51,020
talking to you.
Let's call him.
753
00:49:51,021 --> 00:49:56,011
No, I don't think that's a
good idea.
754
00:49:56,012 --> 00:49:59,009
Hi, hi, baby.
Yeah, yeah, no, it's me.
755
00:49:59,010 --> 00:50:02,015
No, good, I'm at church.
[ Laughter ]
756
00:50:02,016 --> 00:50:05,000
No, no, I'm not with Michael,
that's done.
757
00:50:05,001 --> 00:50:08,006
Wait, what's done?
Yeah, he's right here.
758
00:50:08,007 --> 00:50:10,012
Michael, he wants to talk to
you, and he's really angry,
759
00:50:10,013 --> 00:50:14,000
Michael.
No!
760
00:50:14,001 --> 00:50:17,023
You know what contractorly, I
think it's time for you to go,
761
00:50:17,024 --> 00:50:20,009
really.
Oh, Michael!
762
00:50:20,010 --> 00:50:29,007
No!
Don't get rid of me, Michael.
763
00:50:29,008 --> 00:50:31,010
Sure, have a little rust around
the edges.
764
00:50:31,011 --> 00:50:37,022
But I'm still the same girl you
met at the "update" desk a few
765
00:50:37,023 --> 00:50:43,007
years ago.
Let me give you a sign, Michael.
766
00:50:43,008 --> 00:50:46,016
No!
You really need to calm down.
767
00:50:46,017 --> 00:50:51,012
You calm down!
Ow!
768
00:50:51,013 --> 00:50:54,020
You're hurting me, Michael, ow!
Ow!
769
00:50:54,021 --> 00:50:58,007
Nobody is touching you.
Okay.
770
00:50:58,008 --> 00:51:06,028
Hold on.
I need to powder my nose.
771
00:51:06,029 --> 00:51:11,999
So.
Where's the after party?
772
00:51:12,000 --> 00:51:23,028
Carla, everybody!
>>
773
00:51:23,029 --> 00:51:29,001
♪♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
774
00:51:29,002 --> 00:51:31,023
Good morning.
It's "your voice Chicago."
775
00:51:31,024 --> 00:51:35,000
I'm j. Louis tibbs coming to you
this Sunday at 7:30 A.M. right
776
00:51:35,001 --> 00:51:36,015
before a two-hour commercial for
a pot that you can cook a steak
777
00:51:36,016 --> 00:51:40,008
in.
Joining me to talk local
778
00:51:40,009 --> 00:51:47,013
politics are lead counsel for
Chicago's naacp, Janelle Davey,
779
00:51:47,014 --> 00:51:51,016
and a freelance writer for "the
root," Lisa crowder.
780
00:51:51,017 --> 00:51:55,022
Now, there's so much talk about
the national election, but today
781
00:51:55,023 --> 00:51:57,012
we focus on the local
candidates.
782
00:51:57,013 --> 00:52:00,999
Which are so important,
representation begins at the
783
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:02,008
street level.
Indeed, indeed.
784
00:52:02,009 --> 00:52:03,019
So Janelle, any strategy that
you're using to vet some of
785
00:52:03,020 --> 00:52:10,999
these candidates?
Louis, I'll be honest, I'm
786
00:52:11,000 --> 00:52:12,026
voting for everybody black.
Everybody black?
787
00:52:12,027 --> 00:52:14,019
That's right.
For too long, our people's
788
00:52:14,020 --> 00:52:17,027
voices have not been heard.
It's our duty to stand together
789
00:52:17,028 --> 00:52:24,006
and take our power back.
Okay, okay, I hear you.
790
00:52:24,007 --> 00:52:27,004
Representation matters.
So let's first look at cook
791
00:52:27,005 --> 00:52:29,012
county's 3rd district where
four-time incumbent frank
792
00:52:29,013 --> 00:52:31,004
polaski is running against
29-year-old lawyer Charlotte
793
00:52:31,005 --> 00:52:34,004
Raines.
Charlotte has no experience in
794
00:52:34,005 --> 00:52:36,004
politics --
which is exactly why we need
795
00:52:36,005 --> 00:52:37,027
her.
This is what I'm talking about,
796
00:52:37,028 --> 00:52:40,026
new voices.
It's the only way any change
797
00:52:40,027 --> 00:52:46,006
will happen.
Okay, I like that.
798
00:52:46,007 --> 00:52:49,004
You bet on black, girl.
Okay, look like we got a
799
00:52:49,005 --> 00:52:50,027
favorite there.
Let's go to district 10, which
800
00:52:50,028 --> 00:52:52,019
features a billionaire.
Incumbent Scott trebor is
801
00:52:52,020 --> 00:52:54,027
running against the challenger
Rashad Carter.
802
00:52:54,028 --> 00:52:59,004
A billionaire?
Now see, how can someone who's
803
00:52:59,005 --> 00:53:07,011
so rich know anything about us?
Money corrupts the whole system.
804
00:53:07,012 --> 00:53:11,008
Well, actually, rashard
Carter is the billionaire.
805
00:53:11,009 --> 00:53:12,019
He owns a software company.
I find that so inspiring.
806
00:53:12,020 --> 00:53:15,025
We need more entrepreneurs like
that in our community.
807
00:53:15,026 --> 00:53:17,009
Look, at least he pays his
taxes.
808
00:53:17,010 --> 00:53:18,022
That's right.
I got to go with the democrat on
809
00:53:18,023 --> 00:53:21,023
this one.
Well, Scott trebor is the
810
00:53:21,024 --> 00:53:23,008
democrat, Rashad Carter is a
libertarian.
811
00:53:23,009 --> 00:53:26,004
Which is what I like about
him.
812
00:53:26,005 --> 00:53:27,017
[ Laughter ]
He's an independent thinker.
813
00:53:27,018 --> 00:53:32,024
Okay, great.
Let's go to the city comp
814
00:53:32,025 --> 00:53:39,000
patroller race between democrat
Catherine Lacy and independent
815
00:53:39,001 --> 00:53:40,008
candidate the reverend Deangelo
banks --
816
00:53:40,009 --> 00:53:41,023
no, sorry, I knew this man in
elementary school.
817
00:53:41,024 --> 00:53:43,023
For some reason he had a dooky
stain on his shoulder.
818
00:53:43,024 --> 00:53:46,015
He's a pastor now?
He's only been a reverend
819
00:53:46,016 --> 00:53:50,000
eight months.
He has no church.
820
00:53:50,001 --> 00:53:54,004
He says god has got him on
lay-away.
821
00:53:54,005 --> 00:53:57,012
Let's take a look at one of his
recent town halls.
822
00:53:57,013 --> 00:54:01,024
Hey, to the man, yes, friend.
The rumors are true.
823
00:54:01,025 --> 00:54:04,002
I've spent money on a lot of
strippers.
824
00:54:04,003 --> 00:54:06,007
But you have to understand, that
was only because I owned a chain
825
00:54:06,008 --> 00:54:09,000
of strip clubs.
I put that life behind me right
826
00:54:09,001 --> 00:54:15,003
after the clubs were shut down
for tax fraud.
827
00:54:15,004 --> 00:54:16,011
Hallelujah.
Outlamas tour base.
828
00:54:16,012 --> 00:54:21,001
I love it, amen!
Looks like that town hall
829
00:54:21,002 --> 00:54:24,006
took place outside of a dry
cleaner's.
830
00:54:24,007 --> 00:54:26,004
Do we like reverend banks?
Absolutely.
831
00:54:26,005 --> 00:54:27,012
Come on, you just said he
committed tax fraud.
832
00:54:27,013 --> 00:54:28,019
The comptroller handles the
city's money.
833
00:54:28,020 --> 00:54:33,012
Which is perfect, he knows
the system, all the loopholes.
834
00:54:33,013 --> 00:54:35,024
It would be like hiring Wesley
snipes to do your taxes.
835
00:54:35,025 --> 00:54:41,028
Okay.
Let's go over to district 6
836
00:54:41,029 --> 00:54:45,003
where the district's first Asian
representative, Daniel Lee, is
837
00:54:45,004 --> 00:54:49,000
running against a conservative
online duo that was featured on
838
00:54:49,001 --> 00:54:50,014
fox news and recently spoke at
the cpac convention, crystal and
839
00:54:50,015 --> 00:54:52,008
caviar.
I didn't know it was legal to
840
00:54:52,009 --> 00:54:57,005
run as a team.
Oh, it's not.
841
00:54:57,006 --> 00:54:59,027
Either way, their newest
livestream video came out today.
842
00:54:59,028 --> 00:55:01,012
Why don't we take a look.
843
00:55:02,005 --> 00:55:04,007
The media is always putting
out fake news!
844
00:55:04,008 --> 00:55:08,010
Always.
They say our president lies.
845
00:55:08,011 --> 00:55:10,999
Come on!
He is not a liar.
846
00:55:11,000 --> 00:55:15,022
Well, sometimes he just
exxagerbates.
847
00:55:15,023 --> 00:55:17,999
They say we got to wear a
mask in the grocery store.
848
00:55:18,000 --> 00:55:20,014
Nope.
But I don't need a mask.
849
00:55:20,015 --> 00:55:22,014
I, I'm so blessed.
♪ the mask is bad the
850
00:55:22,015 --> 00:55:23,999
mask is bad ♪
♪ can't go all day
851
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:30,008
smelling my
own breath ♪
852
00:55:30,009 --> 00:55:35,017
Okay.
Janelle, your thoughts on
853
00:55:35,018 --> 00:55:38,028
crystal and caviar?
Give me a minute.
854
00:55:38,029 --> 00:55:41,015
I'm sorry, but these two have
absolutely no --
855
00:55:41,016 --> 00:55:44,007
wait, I got it.
Stay with me.
856
00:55:44,008 --> 00:55:45,017
These ladies are passionate.
And we need more of that in
857
00:55:45,018 --> 00:55:47,014
politics, right?
I guess.
858
00:55:47,015 --> 00:55:51,003
And Daniel Lee has been in
office for 18 years now.
859
00:55:51,004 --> 00:55:52,018
We want someone who's been out
there working in the real world,
860
00:55:52,019 --> 00:55:56,018
right?
Both crystal and caviar are
861
00:55:56,019 --> 00:55:58,025
unemployed.
Which is why we need to give
862
00:55:58,026 --> 00:56:00,017
them jobs as state
representatives.
863
00:56:00,018 --> 00:56:06,011
Lift them up.
Okay, I'm lifting but
864
00:56:06,012 --> 00:56:09,008
sometimes it's hard.
Not really that hard.
865
00:56:09,009 --> 00:56:12,005
Why don't we take a break.
When we come back, we'll talk
866
00:56:12,006 --> 00:56:14,016
about the presidential race
between Donald Trump, Joe biden,
867
00:56:14,017 --> 00:56:18,028
and kanye west.
Kanye?
868
00:56:18,029 --> 00:56:25,010
At him!
[ Cheers and applause ]
869
00:56:25,011 --> 00:56:29,014
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, issa.
870
00:56:29,015 --> 00:56:37,018
Hi, Kyle, what's up?
Hanging.
871
00:56:37,019 --> 00:56:38,026
How's the week been?
What are you doing?
872
00:56:38,027 --> 00:56:40,010
Nothing.
Just chilling.
873
00:56:40,011 --> 00:56:45,003
♪ You know it you know it get
down on it ♪
874
00:56:45,004 --> 00:56:46,012
Seems like you're dancing
pretty hard over there.
875
00:56:46,013 --> 00:56:52,006
Really?
Not that I noticed.
876
00:56:52,007 --> 00:56:54,006
♪ Yo ♪
stop.
877
00:56:54,007 --> 00:56:56,001
Is this just because Justin
bieber's here?
878
00:56:56,002 --> 00:57:00,014
Justin?
♪♪♪
879
00:57:00,015 --> 00:57:05,017
Oh, yeah, Justin bieber.
The cute singer?
880
00:57:05,018 --> 00:57:09,018
Wait, did you think if I saw
you dancing, I would be so blown
881
00:57:09,019 --> 00:57:11,009
away I'd tell him about it?
No.
882
00:57:11,010 --> 00:57:12,010
Yes.
I'm the host.
883
00:57:12,011 --> 00:57:13,025
I don't, like, recommend
dancers.
884
00:57:13,026 --> 00:57:20,003
Got it.
♪ what you want baby I got it
885
00:57:20,004 --> 00:57:27,011
what you need you know I got
it ♪
886
00:57:27,012 --> 00:57:30,006
I'm not going to let you do
aretha like that.
887
00:57:30,007 --> 00:57:31,019
Look, even if you were a backup
dancer, you've got something
888
00:57:31,020 --> 00:57:37,011
like that.
He's more into something --
889
00:57:37,012 --> 00:57:39,999
♪ we about the funky sound we
about to get it down whoa whoa
890
00:57:40,000 --> 00:57:43,028
whoa ♪
you dance well.
891
00:57:43,029 --> 00:57:52,999
Yeah, just a little --
♪♪♪
892
00:57:53,000 --> 00:58:01,999
♪ funk jam in the future ♪
♪ funk jam to survive ♪
893
00:58:02,000 --> 00:58:14,999
♪ whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa
whoa ♪
894
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:20,006
Give the rapper a chance.
Yeah, um -- you might know me
895
00:58:20,007 --> 00:58:22,028
from my show "insecure.
Yes, I really like that.
896
00:58:22,029 --> 00:58:24,014
Thanks.
Cool.
897
00:58:24,015 --> 00:58:26,014
Could you guys let Justin know
that I came by?
898
00:58:26,015 --> 00:58:28,021
Oh, aren't you performing
with him?
899
00:58:28,022 --> 00:58:35,001
Yeah, but he doesn't know I
can do this.
900
00:58:35,002 --> 00:58:37,013
♪ You've got to jam when you
can ♪
901
00:58:37,014 --> 00:58:42,003
♪ you've got to jam when you
can ♪
902
00:58:42,004 --> 00:58:46,017
We have no chance.
But if we combine forces --
903
00:58:46,018 --> 00:58:48,028
yeah, what was that thing you
did earlier?
904
00:58:48,029 --> 00:58:52,002
♪ Got to bring that funk ♪
yeah!
905
00:58:52,003 --> 00:58:55,017
I have your COVID results.
You're positive.
906
00:58:55,018 --> 00:58:57,011
Oh, yeah.
So you have to leave.
907
00:58:57,012 --> 00:59:00,026
Right.
♪ get down with it ♪
908
00:59:00,027 --> 00:59:04,010
No, you have to leave now.
Issa.
909
00:59:04,011 --> 00:59:10,005
♪ What you want ♪
you got to go, man.
910
00:59:10,006 --> 00:59:13,021
Not going to do that.
Okay, here's your stuff.
911
00:59:13,022 --> 00:59:15,010
Please leave, sir.
Yeah.
912
00:59:15,011 --> 00:59:17,002
Well.
What can I say?
913
00:59:17,003 --> 00:59:26,008
My life is random.
Okay, don't talk to the
914
00:59:26,009 --> 00:59:43,016
once again, Justin bieber.
♪♪♪
915
00:59:43,017 --> 00:59:45,001
♪ everybody knows
my name now
916
00:59:45,002 --> 00:59:52,019
but something 'bout it
still feels strange ♪
917
00:59:52,020 --> 00:59:55,016
♪ looking in a mirror
trying to steady yourself
918
00:59:55,017 --> 00:59:57,004
and seeing somebody else
and everything is ♪
919
00:59:57,005 --> 00:59:58,019
♪ not the same now
it feels like all our
920
00:59:58,020 --> 01:00:01,026
lives have changed
maybe when I'm older ♪
921
01:00:01,027 --> 01:00:07,027
♪ it'll all calm down
but it's killing me now
922
01:00:07,028 --> 01:00:14,015
what if you had it all
with nobody to call ♪
923
01:00:14,016 --> 01:00:21,008
♪ maybe then you'd know me
'cause I've had everything
924
01:00:21,009 --> 01:00:25,023
but no one's listening
and that's just ♪
925
01:00:25,024 --> 01:00:37,001
♪ oh so lonely
I'm so lonely
926
01:00:37,002 --> 01:00:44,001
lonely
everybody knows ♪
927
01:00:44,002 --> 01:00:46,008
♪ my past now
like my house was
928
01:00:46,009 --> 01:00:48,016
always made of glass
and maybe that's the ♪
929
01:00:48,017 --> 01:00:52,001
♪ price you pay
for the money and fame
930
01:00:52,002 --> 01:00:56,016
at an early age
and everybody saw me sick ♪
931
01:00:56,017 --> 01:01:00,008
♪ and it felt like
no one gave a
932
01:01:00,009 --> 01:01:02,008
they criticized
the things I did ♪
933
01:01:02,009 --> 01:01:11,016
♪ as an idiot kid
what if you had it all
934
01:01:11,017 --> 01:01:19,000
but nobody to call
maybe then you'd know me ♪
935
01:01:19,001 --> 01:01:24,001
♪ cause I've had everything
but no one's listening
936
01:01:24,002 --> 01:01:30,023
and that's just
oh so lonely ♪
937
01:01:30,024 --> 01:01:43,023
♪ I'm so lonely
lonely
938
01:01:43,024 --> 01:01:56,006
I'm so lonely
lonely ♪♪♪
939
01:01:56,007 --> 01:02:03,009
[ Cheers and applause ]
940
01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:14,007
Due to COVID-19 stay-at-home
restrictions, Jack flatts has
941
01:02:14,008 --> 01:02:16,015
been unable to serve our
delicious retro burgers and
942
01:02:16,016 --> 01:02:21,999
shakes indoors.
We know how much our loyal
943
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:26,004
customers miss coming in and
enjoying Jack flatts classic
944
01:02:26,005 --> 01:02:28,028
American fare and our servers'
hilarious wise-cracking
945
01:02:28,029 --> 01:02:31,019
attitudes.
But we're still here serving the
946
01:02:31,020 --> 01:02:33,000
community as best we can by
offering free curbside pickup
947
01:02:33,001 --> 01:02:40,028
and delivery.
Open up Jack flatts now!
948
01:02:40,029 --> 01:02:42,026
Enough of this new normal crap!
I want to eat at a restaurant
949
01:02:42,027 --> 01:02:54,027
where the waiters make fun of
you!
950
01:02:54,028 --> 01:02:57,024
I don't care what the state
says!
951
01:02:57,025 --> 01:03:02,002
Open it!
If you don't open up Jack
952
01:03:02,003 --> 01:03:11,027
flatts, I'm going to --
you're not the governor.
953
01:03:11,028 --> 01:03:13,009
I want the waiters to tease
me while I'm eating, saying
954
01:03:13,010 --> 01:03:16,006
like, you sure you can eat all
of that, big boy?
955
01:03:16,007 --> 01:03:18,015
I want to get teased without
a mask so I can hear what
956
01:03:18,016 --> 01:03:22,017
they're saying!
If I don't get teased without a
957
01:03:22,018 --> 01:03:26,023
mask --
I'll kidnap the governor!
958
01:03:26,024 --> 01:03:29,021
I'll kidnap the governor!
Hey, this is my best friend,
959
01:03:29,022 --> 01:03:31,024
Ruben.
We have the same birthday except
960
01:03:31,025 --> 01:03:35,020
he's 19 years older, and every
year we go to Jack flatts to
961
01:03:35,021 --> 01:03:37,019
celebrate.
Now we can't?
962
01:03:37,020 --> 01:03:40,015
Open up the playground.
Okay -- but --
963
01:03:40,016 --> 01:03:43,023
but mainly open up Jack
flatts!
964
01:03:43,024 --> 01:03:47,009
Otherwise, me and Ruben --
we'll tie up the governor,
965
01:03:47,010 --> 01:03:50,007
tied her somewhere.
I miss it.
966
01:03:50,008 --> 01:03:55,015
I miss the wacko fries.
I miss the Joe schmoe burger.
967
01:03:55,016 --> 01:03:58,012
The flat melt.
Smash pies.
968
01:03:58,013 --> 01:04:02,011
If you don't open Jack
flatts, me, Trevor, Corey,
969
01:04:02,012 --> 01:04:12,021
Roman, we're going to do it!
I don't like the masks.
970
01:04:12,022 --> 01:04:16,019
I always get it upside down.
I can't see smiles!
971
01:04:16,020 --> 01:04:20,018
This is Trish, the funniest
waitress at Jack flatts.
972
01:04:20,019 --> 01:04:24,011
I showed up for curbside with
mustard on my shirt, and she
973
01:04:24,012 --> 01:04:28,004
didn't even make fun of me.
Just let it fly.
974
01:04:28,005 --> 01:04:30,026
Okay, I don't know what's
going on, but this dude told me
975
01:04:30,027 --> 01:04:35,012
if I quit my shift he would give
me $1,000 and put me in a movie.
976
01:04:35,013 --> 01:04:35,019
I get it.
977
01:04:53,022 --> 01:04:54,025
I get it.
Not everybody likes to be
978
01:04:54,026 --> 01:04:56,028
teased.
Don't come here, then!
979
01:04:56,029 --> 01:05:02,014
It's just for fun!
They're not making fun of the
980
01:05:02,015 --> 01:05:04,014
real you, just you as a
customer!
981
01:05:04,015 --> 01:05:09,010
Is this like a porno?
Honestly, I don't care, I just
982
01:05:09,011 --> 01:05:11,013
want to get that $1,000.
You have to open up Jack
983
01:05:11,014 --> 01:05:16,000
flatts!
No masks!
984
01:05:16,001 --> 01:05:24,001
Joe schmoe burger and wacko
fries, free endless fries and
985
01:05:24,002 --> 01:05:24,025
refills.
Otherwise --
986
01:05:24,026 --> 01:05:25,014
otherwise --
governor?
987
01:05:25,015 --> 01:05:27,017
Yep.
Drive a truck into the
988
01:05:27,018 --> 01:05:28,027
governor's mansion.
Blow past the guards.
989
01:05:28,028 --> 01:05:47,024
Smash up.
One of the guys in the
990
01:05:47,025 --> 01:05:51,004
one of the guys in the
jacked-up Van is in like our
991
01:05:51,005 --> 01:05:54,005
group, and he wants to go back
and play their hits!
992
01:05:54,006 --> 01:05:59,013
George Washington wanted the
British to tease him!
993
01:05:59,014 --> 01:06:03,004
He fought them to have that and
as soon as the British
994
01:06:03,005 --> 01:06:06,999
government said no more teasing,
not allowed to tease that man,
995
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:14,011
what did George Washington do?
Kidnapped them.
996
01:06:14,012 --> 01:06:17,028
King, prince, everybody.
Made it back to the old
997
01:06:17,029 --> 01:06:19,005
normal again!
998
01:06:25,014 --> 01:06:32,010
At Jack flatts, we hope to
see you soon.
999
01:06:32,011 --> 01:06:34,003
We spend so much on things
we need.
1000
01:06:34,004 --> 01:06:38,023
What about the things we want?
I want to better myself.
1001
01:06:38,024 --> 01:06:41,016
I want to treat myself.
I want to enjoy myself.
1002
01:06:41,017 --> 01:06:44,005
The things we buy to invest
in our lives.
1003
01:06:44,006 --> 01:06:47,014
Oil paints.
An instrument to learn.
1004
01:06:47,015 --> 01:06:48,021
An elliptical.
The things that aren't about
1005
01:06:48,022 --> 01:06:49,024
our to-do list but about our
bucket list.
1006
01:06:49,025 --> 01:06:50,999
Rosetta stone Italian.
Ice cream maker.
1007
01:06:51,000 --> 01:06:56,021
Roller skates.
You've been home eight months
1008
01:06:56,022 --> 01:06:58,002
and you didn't touch them once.
Now you have to sell them.
1009
01:06:58,003 --> 01:07:00,012
With ebay.
I spent $80 on embroidery
1010
01:07:00,013 --> 01:07:04,014
equipment back in march.
But then I just stared at my
1011
01:07:04,015 --> 01:07:07,021
phone, and I looked up, and now
it's October.
1012
01:07:07,022 --> 01:07:11,006
I've always wanted to cook
more, so I bought a $400 chef's
1013
01:07:11,007 --> 01:07:13,021
knife I only use to open Amazon
packages.
1014
01:07:13,022 --> 01:07:16,028
Guitars hurt.
No one tells you that.
1015
01:07:16,029 --> 01:07:19,999
I don't like feeling hurt.
You always wished for more
1016
01:07:20,000 --> 01:07:21,999
free time so you could get
around to them.
1017
01:07:22,000 --> 01:07:24,022
And then you were quarantined.
And instead of reading "the
1018
01:07:24,023 --> 01:07:30,006
odyssey," you watched every
episode of "selling sunset.
1019
01:07:30,007 --> 01:07:33,006
So this is a house.
So now you know.
1020
01:07:33,007 --> 01:07:35,006
I thought I wanted to learn
how to box to connect with my
1021
01:07:35,007 --> 01:07:40,002
deceased father.
Turns out I want to lay on the
1022
01:07:40,003 --> 01:07:45,006
couch and watch women lose their
damn minds.
1023
01:07:45,007 --> 01:07:46,013
Go ahead and sell that stuff.
Not to worry.
1024
01:07:46,014 --> 01:07:48,021
If you find yourself buying
something new on our site,
1025
01:07:48,022 --> 01:07:52,007
ebay's making it easier than
ever to fail hard with our new
1026
01:07:52,008 --> 01:07:54,011
service, prebay.
Where we intercept your latest
1027
01:07:54,012 --> 01:07:55,024
overly optimistic purchase and
take it right back before you
1028
01:07:55,025 --> 01:08:01,018
even open it.
Look, you had your chance.
1029
01:08:01,019 --> 01:08:06,002
And all the time in the world.
Don't be shy.
1030
01:08:06,003 --> 01:08:09,018
If you admit that it's unused,
you'll make more money.
1031
01:08:09,019 --> 01:08:12,010
Ebay.
This commercial doesn't apply to
1032
01:08:12,011 --> 01:08:16,018
you if you worked or had kids.
Oh, my pasta maker's here!
1033
01:08:16,019 --> 01:08:21,002
[ Cheers and applause ]
1034
01:08:31,018 --> 01:08:33,025
Thank you to Justin bieber,
Jim carrey, Alec Baldwin, Maya
1035
01:08:33,026 --> 01:08:37,010
Rudolph, chance the rapper,
Benny blanco.
1036
01:08:37,011 --> 01:08:43,019
Thank you guys so much.
This has been incredible.
1037
01:08:43,020 --> 01:08:47,007
Y'all get out there and vote,
please, god, vote!
1038
01:08:47,008 --> 01:08:57,010
Thank you for having me, such a
blessing to be here, amazing!
1039
01:08:57,011 --> 01:09:04,026
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪♪
85902
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