Original subtitles

Вost thou, in the name of this child,

renounce the devil and all his works, the vain pomp and glory

of the world, with all covetous desires of the same,

and the carnal desires of the flesh, so that thou wilt not

follow, nor be led by them?

I renounce them all.

Wilt thou be baptised in this faith?

That is my desire.

Nice people, your nephew's family.

Oh, yes.

Liberal with the champagne, too.

Yes.

You've gone all broody on me, haven't you?

Broody?

Yes.

Seeing all those happy families together, all those

smiling children with shiny faces.

Not at all.

You have to admit, it's a bit of a waste, though.

What is?

I would've made a wonderful mother.

Blimey.

Oh, was that Bishop's candle we just passed through?

I think so.

Yes, the Braxton house is just near by here.

Yep, we could go there before we check in to the hotel.

Then we can introduce ourselves, have a look at the

site, and be ready to start work first thing.

Oh, it's not 'til next week.

What isn't?

The wedding.

What wedding?

Oh, sorry.

Are you not here for the wedding?

Oh, our clothes.

Oh.

No, we've just been to a christening.

Oh.

If it's about the garden, you'll have to ask Penelope,

mrs. Braxton.

Oh, so you're not--

No, no.

I'm just, well, I don't know what I am, really.

Come on, she's over the factory.

Тo, I came here, oh, years

ago as an au pair.

Sort of stayed on, you know.

Sort of housekeeper, I suppose.

Wha-- pff, where is the factory?

You'll see.

Of course, I don't know if it will happen when Penelope's

married again.

Perhaps she won't need me, anymore.

Oh, it's mrs. Braxton who's getting married.

Well, remarried.

He ran off with a rich floozie seven years ago, and they've

been living in Florida.

Which is the special one?

This one.

I gotta put it down for him.

I'm sure they're getting suspicious.

No they're not.

It's just your imagination.

We can't just keep--

Hello, Eddie.

Is your mother around, Fleur?

Inside.

We do a very good business here, you know.

Oh, what business is that?

Oh, creams, lotions, for the hands, you know, and the face.

All organic.

Penelope, it's people about the garden.

Oh, ok.

Just give me a second.

Mrs. Westerby, come and take over here, for a

minute, will you.

I cant.

They'll all pile up.

Oh, nonsense.

We've almost finished this run, anyway.

It separates at that temperature if you

don't keep it moving.

What is it?

Breath of new dawn.

Face cream.

Have you tried it?

No.

Here.

Thank you.

Can't you all get a machine to stir it?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's all organic.

All handmade.

Everything made by hand is touched by the hand of God.

It's hard work, but we manage to turn out 2000 jars a week.

Blimey.

Not counting the ones that mysteriously go missing.

I'm Lydia, Penelope's sister, by the way.

The silent partner.

Come on.

I'll show you the garden.

Well, here we are.

What do you think?

Oh, this is magical.

So, what, exactly, do you want us to do?

A memorial garden.

Oh, that sounds so crass, doesn't it.

Like a municipal baths, or something.

I want to place of meditation and

remembrance, of calm and solitude.

In memory of Thelma Braxton, requiescat in pace.

My husband's mother.

She lived with us for many years.

She's on a higher plane now, of course.

I want this garden as a surprise for my husband.

What a lovely sort.

We've been divorced for a long time.

But we're getting married again, next week.

Yes, Anya told us.

Did she?

I wish that girl would mind her own business.

What else did she tell you?

Um, no, nothing, really.

Well, no matter.

How can a wooden spoon recognize the

flavor of the soup?

Your turn.

She's a weirdo, that woman.

Fancy getting married again, after being divorced

for all those years.

Oh, precisely.

Oh, I noticed a pizza restaurant on the way in.

Why don't we get a bottle of wine and some pizza.

We can imagine we're in San Romo.

Excellent.

Good evening.

I booked a room.

A room?

For tonight?

Yes, I phoned.

You're rather late.

Sorry.

Name?

Laura Thyme and Rosemary Boxer.

Ah, yes.

What's that smell?

Smell?

Onions.

I can smell it.

Yes, onions.

Food is not permitted in our rooms, mrs. Thyme.

No, no.

Food?

No, no.

Please, may I have our key?

Hmmm you're not eating?

No, I'm fine, thanks.

It's all right.

It's a bit soggy.

No, I'm not hungry.

Ahh, uhh, uh, that's three meters.

Three meters.

I really think Yorkstone.

Don't you?

Whoa, she can afford it.

So, three meters, you know, will give it a nice

informality.

What's that sound?

I can't hear anything.

Listen.

It's a cat.

Doesn't sound like a cat.

Yes, it's a cat.

We used to have a Siamese.

Made noises like that.

Where you goin?

That's no cat.

Rosemary.

Rosemary.

Oh my god.

That's not a gooseberry bush, is it.

Cat!

Oh, let me have a go.

Least it stopped him howling.

Ah, yes.

That, and changing his trousers.

Glad they left all that stuff for him.

Oh, I can do that.

Let me have a go. Yes, all right.

All right.

Go on, you sit in the seat.

There you are.

You all right?

Oop, oop.

We'll have to go and tell Penelope.

No, no, no.

We can look after him ourselves.

Oh, don't be a--

No, no, no, no, just to be sure.

But they may be coming back for him.

We don't know.

If somebody abandons a baby.

They may be coming back.

Well he likes this, doesn't he.

I hope he doesn't turn out to be a drinker.

What we'll do is, we can't put him back where he was.

So we'll make him comfortable and safe, here in the car.

And then, we'll go up to the house and tell them.

Come on.

Oh, look.

Look, look, look.

Look.

He's got little ears and everything.

Now, don't you be scared.

Your aunties will be back in a minute.

Come on.

You've got no feelings at all, have you!

Bye, bye.

He smiled at me.

He did.

Bye, bye.

He smiled at me.

So, why can't we take him with us to

the house?

You have to use tact in a situation like this.

Tact?

It was probably someone from the house that left him.

Do you know, some people just don't deserve to be mothers.

No.

No, we mustn't.

No.

Someone might see.

There's someone there.

There can't be.

Oh my god.

Hello.

Um, no we were just, uh--

Hello.

You must be the, uh, blushing groom.

Oh my god.

You're, uh, you're sir Carlos Potter, aren't you?

Uh, well, uh, yes.

Yes, I am.

I g--

I'm such a fan, I--

Um, it's wonderful to meet you.

I saw your exhibition last year at the--

the Grafton.

At the Grafton.

Ahh, did you?

Yes.

Yes, uh, I live just over there, the Rookery.

Oh god.

Uh, look, I'm sorry.

Please, don't tell anybody you've seen me here.

No, no, no, no, we won't.

No.

Thank you.

Well I'll be, uh, goodbye.

And you talk to me about tact.

I just assumed.

"Well you must be the blushing groom".

Oh, is he really famous?

Oh, terribly.

Terribly famous.

But, what, what on earth does she think she's up to now?

She's just spreading a little positive karma.

Oh, Lydia.

What?

We found something odd in the spinny.

Odd?

It's a baby.

A baby?

Yes, we--

What have you done with it?

Well, nothing.

We didn't know what to do.

I've been over the book three times.

The right amount of boxes left here.

They can't have done!

Why is all this stock going missing?

Oh god, it's Tim.

He's early.

Look, um, it's nothing to do with anyone here.

Someone's just abandoned it here, and--

just take it to the police.

That's the thing.

Who's Tim?

Oh, he's the ex.

Well, well, well.

Welcome home, Tim.

Lydia.

Let's not get carried away.

Well it's good to see you again, Lydia.

Ah, I'd better get my belongings out of the boot.

I must say, Pen, I'm looking forward to

getting back into harness.

You were never in harness.

The business was always Penelope's and mine.

Lydia, don't be beastly to Tim.

He's going to be such a help.

Well, I must say, the old place looks just the same.

Could do with a lick of paint, though.

The fragrant lotus may spring from a pile of rubbish

discarded on the highway.

Just as balmy as ever, eh Pen?

What if it's Penelope's?

I mean, her husband's been away for years.

If he finds out she's been having a fling with Carlos

Potter, perhaps even had his child, bang goes the

remarriage.

At least Charlie's safe.

Oh, he's got a name now, has he?

Now listen, our only concern is to keep the baby safe until

we hand him over to the police.

It's shut.

He's just gone to sleep.

It's shut.

It says, in emergency, to ring the station in Farminster.

That's twenty miles away.

What are you going to do if you get murdered?

Lie down and wait for help.

Well, we've got no choice.

We're just going to have to take little Charlie to the

hotel with us.

No we can't.

It's a no-children hotel.

Oh, honestly.

Hello.

Ohh, what happened?

Well I did go.

Of course I did, I was there.

I was a bit late.

I ran into someone.

But it wasn't there.

Well, who?

Oh my god.

No, listen.

No!

Hello--

It's amazing, the stuff they need, isn't it.

Was that the, um, what's her name, over there?

The Braxton girl.

Fleur.

Don't bang the--

Come on, Fleur, it will be all right.

It won't.

Not now he's back.

They're bound to find out. Fleur, of course they won't.

Anyway, as soon as we get the money saved, we're going to be

out of here, anyway.

Just hang on, all right.

Are you all right?

Yeah, she's upset.

Is there anything I can do?

No, it's fine.

Thanks.

Uh, look, you haven't--

haven't lost something, have you?

Lost something?

Done something a bit silly.

Oh god, you're as bad as my mother.

Come on.

All right, all right.

This'll do.

That's filthy.

No, it's not.

Good evening.

May I have our key, please.

What was that?

Oh, that was Rosemary, she's a terrible cough.

Cough, cough, cough.

She ought to see a doctor, your friend.

Yes.

Laura, little bugger won't go to sleep.

Tough.

For the first two years, you're up to

your elbows in poo and puke.

Then, for the next 10, you feed them, and educate them.

Nurse them through every disease known to man, and some

only known to veterinary science.

Then, they shut themselves in their bedroom, and pay cruel

music at you.

And shout through the key hole that you don't understand them

and they hate you.

No, no, don't go any closer.

There's nothing we can do.

How did they find out?

No, it can't be that.

Something must've happened.

So this is where you're working, is it?

That's right.

So you heard the shot, and then you ran over.

Yes.

You see anyone else?

Not a soul.

Where's your friend, now?

She's gone to the loo.

She has this bladder problem.

My wife's very upset, sergeant.

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

It's so awful.

I don't think he suffered.

Who the hell are you?

I'm Laura Thyme.

I've been doing a--

No!

Don't tell him.

It's a secret.

A surprise for you.

So you just let the police go without saying

a word about Charlie?

Well, I couldn't find the right moment.

Oh, and by the way, we found a baby and then it was too late.

Well, it's my fault.

We should have driven him into Farminster last night.

You don't think our baby and the murder are linked in some

way, do you?

Well yes, if Penelope's the mother.

Ohh, go on, convince me.

Well, the baby belongs to Penelope, and sir Carlos is

the father.

Right.

So sir Carlos finds out Penelope's going back to her

ex, and threatens to reveal all.

So Penelope has to shoot him.

Well, it's certainly simple.

And effective.

On the other hand, Tim could have found out, and shot sir

Carlos, himself.

Yes, but what if the baby isn't Penelope's.

What if it's Fleur's, for instance.

You didn't see the state she was in.

But why would she shoot sir Carlos?

Well maybe she didn't.

Maybe Eddie shot him because Fleur was having

an affair with him.

That's disgusting.

So, we don't really know if the baby's got anything to do

with the murder or not.

No, I suppose not.

But--

What are you doing?

Nothing.

It's nothing to do with me.

Laura, it's a gun.

It isn't mine.

Hand it over.

Someone put it in my room.

It isn't mine.

The police were searching the rooms.

I had to get rid of it.

Oh, god.

Who would put it in your room?

Listen to me, please.

If they find Carlos shot and murdered, and they find the

pistol in my room--

Oh, god.

Everything's gone wrong.

I don't like that gun just lying

around in the Land Rover.

Well we can't hand it in to the police without implicating

Anya.

Well maybe she should be implicated.

Oh, she's not a murderer.

Do you think she's a murderer?

What we think doesn't matter.

We've got to hand the gun in.

We could say we found it in the grass.

Oh, sure.

All right.

You drive over to Farminster and you hand it in.

Oh, so it's just me handing it in all of a sudden, is it?

Well you're brilliant at that sort of thing.

And I'll stay here and look after Charlie and keep an eye

on all this.

Bye.

Bye, I'm off now.

Bye bye.

Ok?

We might get a better idea of who killed sir Carlos if we

took a look in his house.

Well, you can't, the police are there.

Hello, Charlie.

What if we just go.

We can't.

Mummy doesn't matter.

We can get jobs.

Fleur.

Oh, god.

What do you think you're doing?

Now, you stay asleep.

Asleep.

You've had your bottle and you've got clean trousers, so

no more of that racket.

Ok?

Yes, you do.

Asleep.

So, what's all this, then?

You can have a lawyer present, if you like.

Are you Laura?

Uh, no, I'm the other one.

Oh, I don't suppose it matters.

It does to us.

It's just that my mother told me to speak to Laura.

What's that?

Um, there's a cat hanging about.

Um, actually, Laura should be back soon.

She should be back now, as a matter of fact.

Well, mommy wants to invite you both to a party to welcome

my darling father back.

Oh, that's nice.

Sure.

Wonderful.

It's tonight.

Oh, well, I'm not sure that--

About 8:00 anyway?

Oh, there you are.

How did you get on?

Don't ask.

Oh, you've done well.

What happened?

I don't believe it.

After all you've said to me, you go and break in to sir

Carlos' house.

Well--

So what happened?

Well, there wasn't time for very much to happen at all.

I saw some paintings.

Oh, are they wonderful?

Yeah.

Mainly of a nude woman with a tattoo of a

butterfly on her back.

Couldn't see her face, just her back and this butterfly.

Right.

We're off.

So, when you were in the police station, you didn't

mention him all?

I couldn't.

I mean, that on top of a gun and breaking and entering.

I was lucky to talk my way out of a life sentence.

Oh, I suppose so.

God.

Oh, god.

What's up?

I don't think I can stand much more of this.

I mean, it's all very well.

I mean, they're very nice and they must be all right for

people who own them, but they never stop, do they?

That is the first good laugh I've had all day.

Oh, Laura, give me a break.

You look after him tonight and let me go to the party.

What party?

What a din.

Have you tried the food?

No, not yet.

I wouldn't put myself out.

I mean, I don't want to sound critical, but have you seen

what that poor child is wearing?

To tell you the honest truth, what did you say you name was?

Rosemary.

Oh, I never did like those flowery names.

Did you?

To tell you the honest truth, Rosemary, I cannot for the

life of me fathom what Timothy is doing back here.

He's a cut above this, I should have thought.

Let's tell them.

Let's tell everybody.

No, we just go.

Tomorrow?

Yeah, I promise.

Yes?

There's a package just been delivered for you.

Well, I've got no one down here at the moment.

Well, it's marked urgent.

Oh, right.

All right.

Now, I'm not going to keep you long because it doesn't

take a man long to say how happy he is to be back.

Now, Pen and Lyd have done wonders with the business, of

course, but, uh, even they can see that it's a little old

fashioned, a bit hippy-dippy amateur.

But we can put these things right.

We can cut our dead wood, slim down

staff, mechanize processes.

What we are aiming for is a lean, mean face cream machine.

But who?

Well, it has to be the mother, doesn't it?

Who else has got a motive?

Yeah, but who is the mother?

Well, Penelope?

Well, she couldn't have taken him.

She was at the party all evening.

All right.

Fleur?

No, she was there, too.

They all were.

Penelope, Fleur, Lydia.

I don't understand this family.

Why not?

Well, there's supposed to be a party to welcome back the

prodigal husband, right?

So he gets up on his hind legs and he starts giving a speech

about how he's going to mechanized their business,

emphasize the profit motive, sack the staff--

but she's only got mrs. Westerby.

Exactly.

And she didn't look too pleased.

So there he was, talking about destroying everything they

believe in, and Lydia and Penelope just stand there,

beaming and nodding.

Well, that's odd.

And another thing.

Do you know the nude pictures you said you

saw at Carlos' place?

Yes.

Lydia has a butterfly tattooed on her back.

Here they come.

This time we tell them everything.

Agreed?

What are they going to do to us?

We were only doing what we thought was right.

What was the name of that road?

Paved with good intentions?

Well, well, well.

It's you again, is it?

It's something different.

Thing is, we've lost a baby.

I really don't see why he had to be so unpleasant.

They get like that.

Isn't that Eddie Westerby?

And those are boxes of face cream.

That explains the stock that's gone missing.

Well, well, well.

I wonder if Penelope knows about that.

No sleep with him, even less without him.

Remember we used to get three and four hours a night?

What's up, mum?

She's your mother?

How is she?

Pen said she'd do it, didn't she?

Seven years later, and what harm has my

mother ever done her?

All this hinky dinky stuff, and underneath?

I'll tell you what.

She's evil. That's what she is.

Oh, boy.

How could we know she's his mother?

She's supposed to be dead.

When I met her at the party last night, she

didn't say who she was.

That's Charlie.

That's Eddie's car.

Eddie, we know what you've been up to.

You can't stop us.

We're getting married.

Who said anything about stopping you?

We needed the money to get away.

What have you done with Charlie?

Charlie?

Anya?

And his face!

What's up, mums?

I hope you don't mind.

We're breaking out the bubbly.

Time for a celebration, we thought.

What are you doing?

Although, I must say, I have some reservations about our

memorial garden being used as a murder weapon.

What are you talking about?

Technically, an attempted murder.

I'd like to see the police make that one stick, though.

If you're talking about mrs. Braxton's unfortunate accident--

Accident?

Oh, come on.

We're all friends here.

I've met the lovely Thelma Braxton.

What a pain in the neck.

Isn't she, though?

Come on, grab a glass.

Seven years ago, that bastard, with the approval of

his mother--

With the encouragement of his mother.

She encouraged him.

He ran off with Totty Stocker Wallace---

Penelope's best friend.

Who also happens to be extremely rich, something

which always brought out the romantic in my husband.

Anyway, that was that.

Then about three months ago, I heard from a friend that even

Totty, who god knows wasn't particular, had got fed up

with Tim Braxton and his mother.

She'd booted them out.

Then, I get this letter from him saying he'd given Totty up

because he'd seen the error of his ways.

And couldn't we try again?

The most creepy letter you've ever seen.

Then I wrote back this masterpiece of sustained

sarcasm saying of course I forgave him, and wouldn't he

and his dear mother like to come back and take over the

business because we were so lost without them.

And do you know what? What?

He's such a dolt, he took the letter seriously.

No!

I was going to tell him to piss off then and there, but then Lydia--

I felt that such doltishness deserved chastisement for the

pain in caused Penelope.

So we decided to build him up for a bit and then drop him

from a great height.

Giving his mother a heart attack wasn't actually part of

the plan.

No.

Bit of a bonus, that.

So, why did you kill Carlos?

What are you talking about?

Carlos?

Anya killed him.

She said you did and hid the gun in her room.

She would say that, wouldn't she?

But she didn't have a motive.

No motive?

But she'd had the baby.

Carlos was the father and he just didn't want to know

anymore.

Dropped her like a hot brick.

We did warn her.

Oh, so, um, you knew who the father of the baby was?

Of course we knew.

And you weren't jealous?

Jealous?

I haven't got a jealous bone in my body.

I knew that Carlos was a very, very passionate man.

Come on, let's all go and sit down.

She did it.

I know she did.

I know you're not a jealous woman, Penelope, but didn't it

bother you, all that time your sister spent with Carlos?

What time?

All those paintings he did of her.

All those nude paintings.

What nonsense.

What paintings?

The ones at his studio.

There aren't any paintings.

The ones I saw could only be recognized by the tattoo.

No.

You must be mistaken.

What paintings?

No, it's just a misunderstanding.

Why would he want to paint you?

Why wouldn't he want to paint me?

We used to laugh about you.

He said you were typically repressed virgin.

Virgin?

Well, he knew that wasn't true.

You slut.

All right.

All right.

Ok. That's enough.

- I loved him. - You never loved him.

You said you just wanted to own him, you were so jealous.

Jealous?

Why did you kill Carlos, then, if wasn't being jealous

when you found out about him and Anya?

You killed him just as much as I did.

You pulled the trigger.

You got the gun.

I didn't know that my, my dried-up spinster of a sister

was creeping around and--

Ok, no.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

He said sleeping with you was like trying to make love to

some gigantic jellyfish.

He said you were like a little stick insect.

Don't you call me a slut!

No, no, no.

Don't call her a slut.

She called me a slut first!

Slut, slut, slut!

No, no, no.

Stop it, stop it, stop it.

Slutty, slut, slut!

Sargeant Bremner, you'd better get 'round here.

They were terrible women, really.

Always very nice to me, but underneath, terrible.

They'll meet a lot worse where they going.

Carlos was so happy.

He'd never had a child before.

So what are you going to do now?

I'm going to Paris.

Carlos and I had already bought an apartment there.

Well, I suppose you'll need this?

Bye bye, Charlie.

Bye.

She'll make Charlie a very good mother.

She is his mother.

What?

You know what I mean.

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