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1
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:31,793
Oh, let's just get in there, baby.
Let's go. Hustle. Here we go.
2
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:36,000
I love angry sex. This is the best.
3
00:00:36,236 --> 00:00:37,863
Oh, you wanna do it right here, huh?
4
00:00:38,105 --> 00:00:42,098
Oh, yeah... Okay.
5
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:48,043
Give up, already.
Yeah, you know.
6
00:00:57,658 --> 00:01:01,185
I like this girl. Really do.
7
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:03,052
Sometimes you just know.
8
00:01:10,104 --> 00:01:12,902
I'm not finished.
9
00:01:20,147 --> 00:01:22,206
I tried like a motherfucker
to follow you up...
10
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:27,386
...but this door, it does a little thing
with the lock when you're inside.
11
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:31,614
Anyway, here's what I'm thinking.
We start with a blowjob.
12
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,793
Yeah. I mean, obviously, you know?
13
00:01:34,027 --> 00:01:36,291
And most girls
find it rewarding the way I do it...
14
00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:41,126
...because I turn what is normally
a chore into, like, a training session.
15
00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:45,065
It's like my own special Head Start
program. Even got Chloraseptic spray.
16
00:01:45,305 --> 00:01:47,671
Do that really well,
we move on to the nasty stuff.
17
00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:51,069
Bring my buddies over, maybe
take some "artsy" pictures, you know?
18
00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:54,246
Do some artsy live streaming video.
Totally tasteful.
19
00:01:54,481 --> 00:01:56,142
Don't worry, I'll get you paid. Easy.
20
00:01:56,383 --> 00:01:58,408
That way you could
get that can opener fixed...
21
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:01,678
...lipo the back end,
maybe refurbish the balcony.
22
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,914
- Wait, I'm sorry. Is this a bad time?
- Yeah.
23
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:07,525
Real quick, yes to bad timing
or yes, you wanna go...?
24
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:10,161
- Fuck you!
- Exactly.
25
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:23,040
- Why won't you just die already?
- I accept your rebuke of my advances.
26
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:26,246
But for future reference, could you
at least give me a reason why?
27
00:02:26,513 --> 00:02:28,276
How about 10?
28
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:30,674
I love angry sex. This is the best.
29
00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:34,152
It's gonna be great. Just...
30
00:02:41,128 --> 00:02:43,323
Hey, we're going Dutch
on gas money, you know.
31
00:02:44,798 --> 00:02:45,765
Is that your phone?
32
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,828
- Don't you answer?
- I don't know.
33
00:02:49,069 --> 00:02:50,730
Or are you more interested
in me right now?
34
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:53,405
- I'm...
- Answer your phone. That's my phone.
35
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,904
Shit. Hold on one second. I got it.
36
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,370
Hello.
37
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,707
Hey. Yeah, I got it. I'm a knee guy.
38
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:01,778
- You need...
- Listen to me. Listen, Sarah...
39
00:03:02,015 --> 00:03:04,882
Shut the fuck up.
I'm not even listen...
40
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,642
Oh, my God! Why aren't you...?
41
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,286
Dick!
42
00:03:08,522 --> 00:03:11,548
- Listen. Sarah, are you pregnant?
- Oh, my God.
43
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:12,850
I'll just be a minute.
44
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:15,687
You know what, you expect me
to swallow that horseshit?
45
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:19,057
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm predictable.
Well, then fucking marry me!
46
00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:22,330
- Didn't see that one coming, did you?
- What are you doing?
47
00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:25,129
How am I supposed to know
it was your sister? How was I?
48
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:28,500
Okay, it was dark, I was drunk
and I thought it was you.
49
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:33,172
- Oh, she's pregnant too. Talk to her.
- What? No.
50
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:34,710
Okay, you tell your sister...
51
00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:38,440
...that I'll make a donation
to Planned Parenthood in her honor.
52
00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:42,421
Sarah, my ex.
53
00:03:43,590 --> 00:03:45,387
Big cunt.
54
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,563
Rachel, I apologize.
55
00:03:56,803 --> 00:03:59,203
Sometimes when you try
a new restaurant, it's a gamble.
56
00:03:59,473 --> 00:04:01,566
And today we lost.
57
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,608
I'm thinking to avoid
any sexual obligation, that's you.
58
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:24,430
Oh, my God.
59
00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:27,532
- Everything okay?
- I can't eat this. I can't.
60
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:31,499
Perhaps I can interest you in some of
our fabulous Famine Fiesta Fries?
61
00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:34,764
She could use a little more famine
and a little less fried.
62
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,682
Tank.
63
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:47,244
Okay. Since you have yet to
ask me anything at all...
64
00:04:47,487 --> 00:04:50,581
...I just thought I should tell you
a little bit about myself.
65
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:51,848
I'm a social worker.
66
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,026
- Yeah, I know what you're thinking.
- Yeah?
67
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,888
It's very... It's challenging work...
68
00:04:56,129 --> 00:05:00,429
...but it's so important.
- Whoa, whoa, there, big time.
69
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,932
I'm a customer satisfaction rep
at Airmeister Air Filtration Systems.
70
00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:08,635
That is important work.
Because without air, we cannot live.
71
00:05:09,676 --> 00:05:11,576
What can I get for you tonight?
72
00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:16,182
Is the corned beef quesadilla,
is that any good?
73
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:18,145
Or what do you recommend?
74
00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:21,980
Do you mean unspoiled? For example,
if you said, "Is this milk any good?"...
75
00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:25,680
...your concern would not be with taste
but rather your personal safety.
76
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:34,795
Hi, my name is Pedro O'Malley.
I'll be your server for tonight.
77
00:05:35,035 --> 00:05:36,366
Something to drink?
78
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:39,401
Two Baja Car Bombs on the snap.
79
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:41,404
Okay, no, I don't drink...
80
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:44,269
...but thank you.
- I wasn't ordering for you.
81
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,313
- I gotta warn you, the stereo's busted.
- That's okay.
82
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,483
I've got a little bit
of a headache, so...
83
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:56,915
See?!
84
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,090
It's been like this for a month!
85
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:02,090
I got it.
86
00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:12,600
These are for your ears!
87
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:14,867
Thanks.
88
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:18,077
You look offended by the song!
89
00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:21,439
But if you really listen,
it's not really vulgar.
90
00:06:21,681 --> 00:06:26,584
It's about a guy, he's in love. And
I know he's saying, "Pop the pussy."
91
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,845
But it's a metaphor for, like:
92
00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,489
"I wanna hug you!"
93
00:06:31,758 --> 00:06:35,455
Pop that pussy
Hug me, hug me, hug me, hug me
94
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:38,089
It's not about fucking.
95
00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,458
It's about taking a relationship...
96
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,725
...to another level!
97
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:46,396
- What?
- Yeah. And now we see it.
98
00:06:46,673 --> 00:06:50,939
So we should listen to the whole thing
so you know the story.
99
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:53,544
Listen, listen.
100
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:58,075
No, it's easy, all right? She's not
even gonna make it past dinner.
101
00:06:58,318 --> 00:07:00,946
By the time I'm done, she'll know
the difference between...
102
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:03,748
...what's in the hand
and what's in the bush.
103
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,118
Hi.
104
00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:10,761
- Yeah, we said 7:00.
- I know.
105
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:12,931
I tutor this high-school girl.
106
00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,025
She's part of my Head Start program.
107
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:19,397
And she's slow, learning-disabled.
108
00:07:19,673 --> 00:07:22,301
It's sad.
109
00:07:22,976 --> 00:07:27,640
Every time I come,
I feel like I'm wasting my time.
110
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,649
- You know, not in her eyes.
- Actually...
111
00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:35,253
No one is doubting your memory,
which is both vivid and damning.
112
00:07:35,489 --> 00:07:38,652
But if I could, I'd like to briefly
challenge points four and seven.
113
00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:42,384
Oh, really? Because, you know what?
I didn't even get to mention...
114
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,421
Oh, my God.
115
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:47,961
Please stop. Please stop.
Please stop.
116
00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,945
So I'll call you later?
117
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:03,979
- And I'll call the cops, you asshole.
- I had a nice time tonight.
118
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:12,590
- Hello.
- Josh, I just went on...
119
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,953
...the worst date of my life.
- Rachel.
120
00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:19,256
- Hey, look, I'm gl...
- I'm so, so sorry.
121
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,263
Why are you sorry?
Baby, I was the one who...
122
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:26,029
- Can we maybe, you know, grab a... ?
- Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds great.
123
00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,764
- Yeah.
- I'd really like that.
124
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:32,603
Listen, I'm out with a friend right now.
But can I call you?
125
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,074
- What about dinner tomorrow night?
- I'd like that.
126
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,112
Yeah, I'd like that too. All right.
127
00:08:37,350 --> 00:08:41,218
I'm so glad you called. All right, bye.
128
00:08:42,122 --> 00:08:44,215
Told you.
I just show them the difference...
129
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,823
...between what's in the hand
and what's in the bush.
130
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:49,494
You have mastered
the female psyche.
131
00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:52,061
To get them to run,
I make them think that I'm shit.
132
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,631
To get them to come,
I make them think they're shit.
133
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:56,859
Either way, you're the asshole.
134
00:08:57,604 --> 00:08:59,401
It's what I do.
135
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,671
Sorry.
136
00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,521
All right.
137
00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,617
Look at you, all white and thin.
138
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:58,024
I bet if I laid you on this bar,
she could snort you.
139
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,565
Listen, beauty queen.
140
00:09:59,799 --> 00:10:03,098
I know people are concerned about
you because you're dangerously thin.
141
00:10:03,336 --> 00:10:06,100
But I'm not one of those people.
Yet I am concerned.
142
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,863
That you've had too many drinks...
143
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:11,542
...and your fingers are in this bowl
like it's one of your sorority sisters.
144
00:10:11,811 --> 00:10:13,904
These pretzeled devils,
far from complimentary.
145
00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:15,943
I mean, baby,
get your head in the game.
146
00:10:16,182 --> 00:10:18,912
Nothing tastes as good
as looking good.
147
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,017
- That is just...
- Excuse me.
148
00:10:21,788 --> 00:10:24,689
Are you psycho? I mean,
how can you even begin to talk to...?
149
00:10:24,924 --> 00:10:25,913
Easy, Urlacher.
150
00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:29,151
Ever notice it's the linebackers
concerned with people not eating?
151
00:10:29,396 --> 00:10:32,365
If the pussy police here would
stop ordering her fries tempura...
152
00:10:32,599 --> 00:10:33,531
I just had a child.
153
00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,099
Congratulations.
I'm sure he was probably delicious.
154
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,928
Looks like you
downed the whole thing.
155
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:40,731
You're an asshole.
156
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:46,767
- You really are an asshole.
- Then walk away.
157
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:02,155
- Let me just go get my purse, okay?
- Get cigarettes.
158
00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:05,197
- Let's go.
- Okay.
159
00:11:05,432 --> 00:11:09,232
Take me. Take me to your house.
Take me right now to your house.
160
00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:12,438
- Hey, guy.
- Tank, hey. Tank, this is Renee.
161
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,469
- Yeah. Come here.
- Renee, Tank.
162
00:11:14,741 --> 00:11:17,209
- Hey, okay. Two seconds.
- Talk to me for a second.
163
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:19,775
- Yeah, I'll talk to you all night.
- All right.
164
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,641
Didn't I just save your ass?
I just cleaned up your bed...
165
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:26,750
...and you're shitting in it again, okay?
Aren't you getting fucking married?
166
00:11:27,153 --> 00:11:29,280
I am getting married...
167
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:31,857
...but not tonight.
168
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:35,223
- Renee. Renee, there she is.
- Josh.
169
00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:38,693
There she is. She's all mine.
170
00:11:42,769 --> 00:11:45,033
I have to work tomorrow.
171
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:49,906
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
It's Tuesday.
172
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:54,842
Good one.
I have a strict no-sleepover policy.
173
00:11:56,516 --> 00:11:57,949
Yeah.
174
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:08,189
Come on, Tank, it's almost 5.
175
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:13,126
For some people that's not tonight,
it's tomorrow.
176
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,106
I hate those people.
177
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:40,689
Shit.
178
00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:45,227
Dustin? Yeah, five minutes is fine.
Okay, bye.
179
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:47,865
- Dude. What the shit?
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
180
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:51,764
I told you this was happening. As
of now, I'm training for the marathon.
181
00:12:52,005 --> 00:12:55,998
Goal: Run, don't walk. Nothing wrong
with a little bit of discipline.
182
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,641
By the way, you should try it.
183
00:12:57,877 --> 00:13:00,345
You need discipline
like I need to miss my period.
184
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,205
Seriously, you're already, like...
185
00:13:02,448 --> 00:13:05,713
...a crazy, insane, OCD alpha-dog...
186
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,647
...cyborg crazy creature.
187
00:13:07,887 --> 00:13:09,286
You mean, I have a job?
188
00:13:09,522 --> 00:13:13,117
And now you're gonna wake me up
at 5:15 every single morning...
189
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:16,294
...so that eventually
you can run 26 miles in a circle.
190
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:20,295
Here's the great part. You get to
go back to sleep indefinitely. Yea!
191
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:27,768
For the record, I am involved in
a very taboo interoffice relationship.
192
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,140
- Morning.
- Good morning.
193
00:13:32,445 --> 00:13:36,211
Dustin, the bad boy
from the wrong side of the tracks.
194
00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:37,780
I'm from Lexington.
195
00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:39,814
- Okay, bye.
- Bye.
196
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:41,953
- See you.
- Yeah.
197
00:13:47,894 --> 00:13:50,419
That's not the secret knock.
198
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:54,791
That's the one. What's going on, man?
199
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:57,662
I need to move this into your room.
Tonight is the night.
200
00:13:57,904 --> 00:14:01,340
And if all goes according to plan,
consider this move permanent.
201
00:14:01,608 --> 00:14:05,044
- "Lawrence of a Labia"?
- Yeah, in a moment of weakness...
202
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:09,645
...I bought the entire EFI. The
Erotic Film Institute's top 100. Enjoy.
203
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,215
Where did it go wrong?
You have a serious problem.
204
00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,443
Better than taking
sexual frustrations out...
205
00:14:14,687 --> 00:14:17,281
...on a parade of one-night skanks
I'll never see again.
206
00:14:17,523 --> 00:14:18,490
- True.
- Good morning.
207
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:21,888
Hey, no, no, come here. This
is Dusty, my roommate-slash-cousin.
208
00:14:22,128 --> 00:14:25,928
Not technically related. Our parents
were friends until his mom walked out.
209
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:29,464
Slash-fuckhead for bringing up
bad family shit at inappropriate times.
210
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,669
It's nice to meet you.
211
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:32,872
- Nice to meet you.
- Fucking family.
212
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:36,166
What's the plan? Bring this girl
back here, pop open chloroform...
213
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,239
...insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat?
214
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:41,072
No. Tonight is the night
I tell her how I feel.
215
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:44,772
Tank, this girl... This girl is my
soul mate and it's time she knew that.
216
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:47,282
Not if you want to fuck her.
217
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:50,455
You, what is the nicest thing
I've said to you since I met you?
218
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,056
You complimented me
on my technique.
219
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:54,658
Okay, look, I'm not you, okay?
220
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,988
I'm not gonna manipulate her,
I'm not gonna con her.
221
00:14:58,164 --> 00:14:59,791
- I'm just gonna be myself.
- No.
222
00:15:00,033 --> 00:15:03,332
Yourself is a repressed headcase that
beats more meat than Rocky Balboa.
223
00:15:03,569 --> 00:15:07,096
By hiding porn, taking her to joints
you hate, training for a marathon...
224
00:15:07,373 --> 00:15:10,638
...you're not showing the real you.
You're showing a highlight-reel you.
225
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:15,143
- Thus, in fact, you're conning her.
- You don't get it. You don't get it.
226
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:18,111
I love her. Alexis...
227
00:15:18,351 --> 00:15:20,649
Alexis is my angel.
228
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,787
You get it, right?
229
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,323
We don't get it. We don't.
230
00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:30,619
Anyway, we can skip this
"call me" scenario.
231
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:31,955
- I'm already late.
- Great.
232
00:15:32,198 --> 00:15:33,790
I wanna know something.
This chick...
233
00:15:34,033 --> 00:15:35,125
- What's her name?
- Alexis.
234
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:38,735
If this chick Alexis means so much to
you, how come I haven't met her yet?
235
00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:40,837
Because she means
that much to me.
236
00:15:41,107 --> 00:15:45,168
Mazel tov, man.
Love. Angels. Awesome.
237
00:15:45,445 --> 00:15:49,142
What about that girl at camp who
used to let you play with her boobies?
238
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:52,909
- Jackie? We were 15.
- She looked like a baton with titties.
239
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:55,245
What about Gracie, love of your life...
240
00:15:55,488 --> 00:15:57,979
...till you caught her blowing Holstein
freshman year?
241
00:15:58,157 --> 00:16:00,819
- What's your point?
- My point is this: Lindsay, gym crush.
242
00:16:01,060 --> 00:16:03,927
Melissa, your barista.
A lot of angels, Dust.
243
00:16:04,163 --> 00:16:06,654
- Why you gotta be such an asshole?
- It's what I do, man.
244
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,868
Good luck. If you need them,
condoms are in the medicine cabinet.
245
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:14,062
If not, Jergens lotion,
underneath my bed.
246
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,977
Dusty, this is absurd.
247
00:16:28,221 --> 00:16:30,246
What? You love steak,
we're eating steak.
248
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:34,119
- You're a vegan.
- Not tonight. Eat, eat, eat. Enjoy.
249
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:40,224
I feel a little guilty loving steak
so much and you're a vegan.
250
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,429
But whatever.
251
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,401
I love the way you eat.
252
00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,666
I love that you eat.
253
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,965
I love that you pay.
254
00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:58,875
Seriously, though, I just love
watching you do anything.
255
00:16:59,118 --> 00:17:01,916
I love it... I love you, Alexis.
I love you.
256
00:17:06,659 --> 00:17:08,126
Oh, shit.
257
00:17:09,629 --> 00:17:15,124
We just said more than once
we're gonna keep it light.
258
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:19,296
- We work together, we're friends.
- That's what I'm supposed to say.
259
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:22,770
Right? I mean, I'm supposed to be
the relationship tough guy, you know?
260
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,100
I'm the dude.
261
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,901
The dude can't just come out with:
262
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:29,114
"I've loved you since the moment
I first saw you, pounding out...
263
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:31,373
...a lender's agreement,
eating Cocoa Puffs...
264
00:17:31,617 --> 00:17:33,551
...while some pretty boy
drooled over you."
265
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:37,187
- Michi Yamana.
- Yeah, Michi Yamana. Dick.
266
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,651
So I love you, madly.
267
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,622
Sorry. L... I... I know I need to stop.
268
00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:45,592
Now, stop. Just stop speaking,
Dustin. Just shut your mouth.
269
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:49,734
I'm sorry. Wow, kamikaze, huh?
See, this is what you do to me.
270
00:17:49,969 --> 00:17:51,869
- What do I say here, but...?
- I'm sorry.
271
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,733
But do you know how hard it's been
trying to play it cool?
272
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:56,565
- It's been five weeks.
- I know.
273
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,276
We haven't even had sex.
274
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:05,410
Well, that's why we're here, Alexis.
I wanted to talk to you about...
275
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,883
I think I'm ready
to take the next step.
276
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,914
Sex isn't a step, Dustin.
277
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:16,857
Being exclusive would be a step
or moving in together is a step.
278
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,495
Then let's move in together.
279
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,393
I need you to take me home.
280
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,903
But it just felt so right.
It just felt so right.
281
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:30,437
No, it does, it feels right.
282
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:35,409
Just not right now.
283
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,741
"Just not right now."
284
00:18:43,890 --> 00:18:45,255
Oh, God.
285
00:18:53,733 --> 00:18:55,598
God, I'm a fag.
286
00:19:00,039 --> 00:19:03,202
- Dude, you canceled Spice.
- It was like 21 bucks a month, dude.
287
00:19:06,512 --> 00:19:07,809
Someone had a rough night.
288
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,310
I'm Mr. Right...
289
00:19:11,551 --> 00:19:14,315
...just not Mr. Right Now.
290
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:19,454
What...? What does that even mean?
What does that even mean?
291
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:22,126
- I told her I loved her...
- Oh, no.
292
00:19:22,361 --> 00:19:23,919
What?
293
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:28,433
I went in early. No, no, I know.
I went in a little early, but she...
294
00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:34,204
- Thanks for your support. Sweet.
- Dustin.
295
00:19:35,541 --> 00:19:38,237
Dusty, look.
296
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:40,979
This too shall pass, all right?
297
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:44,114
But that journey begins...
298
00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,318
...with self-exploration.
299
00:19:46,552 --> 00:19:48,747
And I'm holding the map, Dusty.
300
00:19:48,988 --> 00:19:50,387
Hey.
301
00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,785
Kid, I got your 'bate crate.
302
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,960
You know how much
you love your 'bate crate.
303
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,390
"I'm like comfort food for your penis."
304
00:20:01,467 --> 00:20:03,492
- What do I do?
- Okay.
305
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:06,136
What do you do?
Okay, let's look at the options.
306
00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:10,001
Stalk her. But you're never gonna
be with her. Love her from a distance.
307
00:20:10,276 --> 00:20:13,268
Never have a family but you could
love her kids from a distance.
308
00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:15,776
Murder-suicide,
but that's trending upward.
309
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:19,178
- Or I could just hire you.
- No.
310
00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,283
- Why not?
- I don't fuck with family.
311
00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:24,882
Well, technically
we're not blood-related. Right?
312
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,853
Go to bed, Dust.
313
00:20:27,526 --> 00:20:30,017
You're serious. Okay.
314
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:32,060
I'll get serious.
315
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,456
If I do this...
316
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:40,870
If I do this, I'm gonna make it
the finest Tank-ing of my career.
317
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,198
My fucking masterpiece.
318
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,966
She'll lose her shit
like a shit collector with amnesia.
319
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:49,442
I'm talking about a Turkish twist,
epic mindfuck of a Tank-ing, okay?
320
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:54,278
Her brain'll be rocking back and forth
in the shower for like three weeks.
321
00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:57,489
Okay? I'm talking about
demonic fucking Tank.
322
00:20:57,723 --> 00:20:59,088
I'll be flying up into the sky.
323
00:20:59,325 --> 00:21:03,728
She's gonna cry tears that form
"Call Dusty" on the ground.
324
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,591
Yes? Am I doing it?
Tell me I'm doing it.
325
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:11,268
Okay, that was weird.
And I'm not sure that...
326
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,938
Listen, rain check, maybe though.
327
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:17,903
Wow, can't believe I almost resorted
to emotional terrorism. I'm sorry.
328
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:20,577
You're sweet.
Next time with the next one, maybe.
329
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,576
- Thank you.
- I'm here.
330
00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,251
A little crazy. Sweet, crazy mostly.
331
00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:32,153
Don't say a word.
332
00:21:56,515 --> 00:21:58,779
God! Son of...
333
00:21:59,018 --> 00:22:02,852
Why? That stupid...
334
00:22:06,192 --> 00:22:08,592
Hi. Tank Turner,
Customer Satisfaction.
335
00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,125
How may I help you today?
336
00:22:10,363 --> 00:22:13,423
Excuse me, do you have any idea
how long I was just on hold?
337
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:15,497
It's been like an hour and a half.
338
00:22:15,735 --> 00:22:17,134
Hello. In your manual...
339
00:22:17,370 --> 00:22:19,930
...you've expressed a possibility
of some odor issues.
340
00:22:20,206 --> 00:22:24,836
"Faint aroma," it says here on page 7.
Come on. "Faint aroma"? Bullshit.
341
00:22:25,111 --> 00:22:27,671
It smells like burnt fucking hair, dude.
342
00:22:27,947 --> 00:22:32,281
Because apparently
I paid 49.90-motherfucking- 5...
343
00:22:32,518 --> 00:22:36,887
...so that my sweet-ass condo smells
like some Korean cat barbecue.
344
00:22:37,123 --> 00:22:38,954
- Touchdown.
- You lose. You lose.
345
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:40,715
You suck.
346
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:45,562
Sir, I will gladly give you a refund, but
that's not gonna solve your problem.
347
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:48,527
New girl.
348
00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:52,731
New girl
349
00:22:53,672 --> 00:22:55,230
Ooh, new girl
350
00:22:57,777 --> 00:22:59,506
Did the emotional terrorist win?
351
00:22:59,745 --> 00:23:02,680
I just... You know, it's funny.
I never noticed your highlights...
352
00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:04,849
...until somebody actually
said something.
353
00:23:05,117 --> 00:23:06,550
They're actually really good.
354
00:23:07,019 --> 00:23:09,510
- Just tell me how it works.
- Let me make this clear.
355
00:23:09,755 --> 00:23:12,656
Before she can love you,
she has to hate me.
356
00:23:12,892 --> 00:23:15,622
But before she can hate me,
she has to like me.
357
00:23:15,861 --> 00:23:17,852
That may be
the hardest part of the equation.
358
00:23:18,097 --> 00:23:19,325
So I set up the meet-cute.
359
00:23:19,565 --> 00:23:21,760
In every movie,
the stars meet in some cutesy way.
360
00:23:22,001 --> 00:23:24,936
Since every woman is looking
for that dreamy, witty, goofy guy...
361
00:23:25,171 --> 00:23:28,607
...of their sitcom, rom-com fantasies,
I've gotta be that thing.
362
00:23:28,874 --> 00:23:30,000
Here.
363
00:23:30,276 --> 00:23:32,540
Lucky slap on the ass. Hit it.
364
00:24:08,380 --> 00:24:09,574
Are you okay?
365
00:24:13,619 --> 00:24:16,486
That was rough. I'm Alexis.
366
00:24:26,098 --> 00:24:27,497
Wow, that looked really real.
367
00:24:28,734 --> 00:24:31,066
- Is that real?
- It's real and it hurts.
368
00:24:31,303 --> 00:24:34,033
Okay. So, like, what happens now?
You come back every day...
369
00:24:34,306 --> 00:24:37,070
...for a couple weeks. Slowly,
eventually you build her trust.
370
00:24:37,543 --> 00:24:39,977
- Daddy bee's got the honey.
- That's her number.
371
00:24:40,246 --> 00:24:42,942
- Let's go eat.
- How...? How did...?
372
00:24:43,749 --> 00:24:46,582
Now, remember, she's classy.
So maybe a fast-food joint.
373
00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:48,582
Or wait, wait, drive-through.
374
00:24:48,821 --> 00:24:51,688
Do I tell you what flavor of jam
to eat out of your boss's ass?
375
00:24:51,924 --> 00:24:55,257
No. Dusty, it's what I do, okay?
You want offensive locales?
376
00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:58,224
There's a place in Revere,
they let you boil your own dolphin.
377
00:24:58,464 --> 00:25:00,625
Arlington, you can have
a dominatrix waitress...
378
00:25:00,866 --> 00:25:03,596
...take a dump on your lap
while she peppers your Cobb salad.
379
00:25:03,836 --> 00:25:07,067
I know a spot in P-town, you can get
a meat loaf shaped like a cock.
380
00:25:07,606 --> 00:25:10,734
You gotta trust me.
She's not gonna know what hit her.
381
00:25:12,745 --> 00:25:13,006
All right. Good luck.
382
00:25:19,852 --> 00:25:21,786
- Do not wear that, please.
- What am I doing?
383
00:25:22,021 --> 00:25:23,852
Just take this.
This is what you're doing.
384
00:25:24,089 --> 00:25:27,684
Clean the pipes. It's mandatory to
flush them out after a relationship.
385
00:25:27,927 --> 00:25:30,395
That's disgusting.
But seriously, what's wrong with me?
386
00:25:30,629 --> 00:25:32,119
Dustin's a good guy.
387
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:34,855
- You're such a fucking girl sometimes.
- Pretty good guy.
388
00:25:35,100 --> 00:25:36,499
A good guy? Who cares?
389
00:25:36,735 --> 00:25:40,330
A good guy is, like,
somebody that your parents dig or...
390
00:25:40,606 --> 00:25:44,064
- Listen to me. In the real world... Ami.
- I'm listening.
391
00:25:44,343 --> 00:25:46,834
- In the real world...
- Yes.
392
00:25:47,112 --> 00:25:50,570
What if he's a good man
with a good heart...
393
00:25:50,849 --> 00:25:53,841
...and he's smart? And if
he's not too rough on the eyes...?
394
00:25:54,086 --> 00:25:58,318
If "ifs" and "buts" were cocks and nuts,
I'd be getting gangbanged right now.
395
00:25:58,557 --> 00:26:01,993
Seriously. But it's that I wanna teach
you something that took me, like...
396
00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:04,593
...years and years of promiscuity
to learn, okay?
397
00:26:04,830 --> 00:26:06,593
- What is this outfit?
- It's aweso...
398
00:26:06,832 --> 00:26:08,595
Hey, how many guys
have you slept with?
399
00:26:08,834 --> 00:26:11,564
- Like, total? Three, right?
- Two.
400
00:26:13,439 --> 00:26:15,703
- Two?
- I'm a serial monogamist.
401
00:26:15,975 --> 00:26:19,934
Well, okay. That's, like, the first
big, huge problem right there.
402
00:26:20,212 --> 00:26:23,147
Didn't anybody ever tell you
that you have to suck a few frogs...
403
00:26:23,382 --> 00:26:26,112
...before you get to suck a prince?
404
00:26:26,352 --> 00:26:28,252
I believe it's "kiss."
405
00:26:28,487 --> 00:26:30,216
Pretend it's a year abroad, you know?
406
00:26:30,456 --> 00:26:35,052
But instead of going to Europe, you're
gonna bang a whole shitload of dudes.
407
00:26:35,294 --> 00:26:37,854
- It's awesome.
- I haven't been drunk in a long time.
408
00:26:38,097 --> 00:26:40,258
Good. You need it. You need it.
409
00:26:40,499 --> 00:26:43,730
Now tell me something.
What do you see in this box?
410
00:26:45,304 --> 00:26:49,001
- I see into the...
- No, in the box.
411
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:52,042
An inordinate amount
of masturbatory aides...
412
00:26:52,277 --> 00:26:56,213
...which some,
I pray, are novelty-sized.
413
00:26:57,850 --> 00:27:00,341
Oh, my God.
414
00:27:00,986 --> 00:27:03,648
Okay, that will do nicely.
415
00:27:03,889 --> 00:27:06,255
- You, show her a good time tonight.
- I love you.
416
00:27:06,492 --> 00:27:08,016
- Show her a good time.
- I love you.
417
00:27:08,260 --> 00:27:10,455
- Such a good time. Love you.
- Have a great night.
418
00:27:10,696 --> 00:27:11,890
Don't be scared without me.
419
00:27:12,131 --> 00:27:14,895
- I'll be back. I'll be back.
- Yeah. I'll be waiting...
420
00:27:15,134 --> 00:27:18,160
- She's my roommate.
- I bet she gives great head.
421
00:27:18,404 --> 00:27:20,804
Actually, I'm sure she does.
422
00:27:21,073 --> 00:27:22,540
You're pretty drunk.
423
00:27:22,808 --> 00:27:25,402
I'm pretty ready to rock.
424
00:27:27,980 --> 00:27:29,777
Oh, boy.
425
00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:32,609
Tank, is this a Mustang?
426
00:27:32,851 --> 00:27:34,148
It's a GTO.
427
00:27:34,953 --> 00:27:39,287
- A... Whatever that means.
- Yeah.
428
00:27:40,259 --> 00:27:43,695
Well, listen, I just wanna warn you,
my stereo's busted.
429
00:27:43,929 --> 00:27:46,329
Oh, that's cool. That's cool.
430
00:27:50,602 --> 00:27:55,369
Hey, this is my...
I almost lost my virginity to this song.
431
00:28:07,486 --> 00:28:08,111
- Let's go.
- Yeah, let's go.
432
00:28:12,524 --> 00:28:15,755
- This is a first, Tank.
- Yeah, me too.
433
00:28:15,994 --> 00:28:18,690
Should we sit front row and center?
434
00:28:20,966 --> 00:28:22,729
Oh, wild.
435
00:28:24,203 --> 00:28:26,103
Yeah, can we get
two Long Island Iced Teas?
436
00:28:26,338 --> 00:28:28,465
And put the chop-chop on that, lady.
437
00:28:28,741 --> 00:28:32,142
Could you make mine a double?
And two shots of tequila, please.
438
00:28:38,250 --> 00:28:39,649
Okay, let's slow down, princess.
439
00:28:39,885 --> 00:28:42,752
You're getting sloshed
like it's your prom night here.
440
00:28:43,756 --> 00:28:47,123
- I never went to prom. I never went.
- No shock there. I believe that.
441
00:28:47,359 --> 00:28:49,122
I had the date, I had the dress.
442
00:28:49,361 --> 00:28:51,955
But prom was the night my dog
bit my sister in the neck...
443
00:28:52,197 --> 00:28:53,858
...and we had to put him down.
- Shit.
444
00:28:54,099 --> 00:28:56,727
And I will never... Oh, my goodness.
445
00:28:56,969 --> 00:28:59,460
- Ever forget the horror
in little Fraggle's eyes...
446
00:28:59,705 --> 00:29:02,674
...as his paw went limp in my hand.
447
00:29:02,941 --> 00:29:05,637
It was horrible. Blood.
It was just, like:
448
00:29:05,911 --> 00:29:08,846
I'm sure that's not the only thing
that's gone limp in your hand.
449
00:29:09,081 --> 00:29:11,914
I will say it. In all sincerity,
that sucks hard.
450
00:29:12,151 --> 00:29:13,982
It's sad to lose a pet.
451
00:29:14,219 --> 00:29:15,948
Where do they learn how to do this?
452
00:29:16,188 --> 00:29:19,248
- Well, I taught them a few things.
- I wanna know.
453
00:29:23,162 --> 00:29:25,187
That's incredible.
454
00:29:27,332 --> 00:29:29,323
What is that?
455
00:29:29,568 --> 00:29:32,765
- What is that?
- I think we should just fuck tonight.
456
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,411
That looks pretty.
457
00:29:50,656 --> 00:29:52,886
- I'm gonna go pee.
- Got it.
458
00:29:55,761 --> 00:29:56,728
Hey, I can't talk.
459
00:29:56,962 --> 00:29:59,487
- Where are you?
- I'm out, I'm seeing a band.
460
00:29:59,731 --> 00:30:02,256
They suck, but I'm seeing them
so I really can't talk.
461
00:30:02,501 --> 00:30:05,595
- Put your "Guitar Hero" down.
- What the fuck are you talking about?
462
00:30:05,838 --> 00:30:08,966
I'm not playing "Guitar Hero."
It's Saturday night. I'm out.
463
00:30:09,241 --> 00:30:11,607
Just put it down.
We have problems.
464
00:30:11,844 --> 00:30:13,038
All right. What's the story?
465
00:30:13,312 --> 00:30:17,715
I am drunk and he's either
the biggest asshole in America...
466
00:30:17,983 --> 00:30:20,850
...or trying to convince me
he's the biggest asshole in America.
467
00:30:21,086 --> 00:30:25,045
Either way, even a broken clock is
right twice a day, but this guy...
468
00:30:25,290 --> 00:30:27,850
Come on. How better to
appreciate Dustin than to do this?
469
00:30:28,093 --> 00:30:30,561
Than to bang this guy,
who's obviously far inferior...
470
00:30:30,796 --> 00:30:33,765
...but probably hung like Seabiscuit.
Right?
471
00:30:33,999 --> 00:30:37,765
Now go. Go and bang. Bang
like you have never "bung" before.
472
00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:40,494
And do it for Dustin.
473
00:30:42,507 --> 00:30:43,804
Jesus.
474
00:30:44,076 --> 00:30:46,442
- Baby doll...
- Hi.
475
00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:47,906
- Hi.
- I'm Alexis.
476
00:30:48,146 --> 00:30:49,977
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
477
00:30:50,215 --> 00:30:53,776
And when it comes to love,
there's only one thing you can trust.
478
00:30:54,019 --> 00:30:56,954
It's not your friends,
it's not your head.
479
00:30:57,189 --> 00:31:00,454
It's that little voice
inside your clamburger.
480
00:31:04,363 --> 00:31:06,593
"Listen to me."
481
00:31:15,374 --> 00:31:17,899
Watch this. It's a game.
It's called "Who's at the Door?"
482
00:31:18,176 --> 00:31:19,973
And I look out the peephole.
483
00:31:20,445 --> 00:31:22,106
It's the mailman.
484
00:31:26,785 --> 00:31:29,777
Would it hurt you to play with her tits?
Help me out.
485
00:31:32,124 --> 00:31:33,716
You can stay there. That's good.
486
00:31:33,959 --> 00:31:36,325
Oh, you grab that.
I'll get the next one.
487
00:31:36,561 --> 00:31:38,859
- There won't be a next time.
- Lucky me.
488
00:31:45,170 --> 00:31:49,129
And our motto, basically,
is, "Without air, we..."
489
00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:51,808
"Without air, we cannot live."
490
00:31:52,444 --> 00:31:53,376
- Stop.
- Right.
491
00:31:53,645 --> 00:31:56,079
I get it. You're a dick.
492
00:31:56,315 --> 00:31:58,613
I'm sufficiently offended.
493
00:31:59,017 --> 00:32:00,541
Done.
494
00:32:23,275 --> 00:32:26,073
Coming up?
495
00:32:38,690 --> 00:32:40,590
Suit yourself.
496
00:32:42,761 --> 00:32:45,628
Enjoy the long ride home.
497
00:32:53,105 --> 00:32:54,299
I'm going home, okay?
498
00:32:54,539 --> 00:32:56,507
Why am I going home?
Because I'm going home.
499
00:32:56,742 --> 00:33:00,838
I'm getting in the car. Eyes
in the game and the head in the ball.
500
00:33:01,079 --> 00:33:02,774
Can't do it.
501
00:33:03,915 --> 00:33:06,110
Just start the car.
Just start the car, baby.
502
00:33:06,351 --> 00:33:08,717
Just gotta start the car,
get the fuck out of here.
503
00:33:08,954 --> 00:33:12,355
Why? Because, look. Your head's
in the game, your balls are attached...
504
00:33:12,591 --> 00:33:16,527
...and you're gonna go home
and maybe she'll call you ma? Ana.
505
00:33:16,762 --> 00:33:18,559
Why would she call me?
She'll call Dusty.
506
00:33:18,797 --> 00:33:21,732
Because she's what? Dusty's
girlfriend. Follow the bouncing ball.
507
00:33:21,967 --> 00:33:24,595
She is Dusty's girlfriend.
508
00:33:25,370 --> 00:33:27,235
Listen to me.
509
00:33:30,709 --> 00:33:34,577
What is wrong with you, asshole?
510
00:33:47,526 --> 00:33:53,123
You asked me to trust you.
511
00:33:54,032 --> 00:33:56,865
- And I trusted you.
- Done.
512
00:33:57,502 --> 00:33:58,491
Somehow.
513
00:33:58,737 --> 00:34:00,398
Some way.
514
00:34:02,908 --> 00:34:04,375
Thank you.
515
00:34:09,281 --> 00:34:10,942
Dude, you did it. She just called.
516
00:34:11,183 --> 00:34:13,811
Okay, quote,
"I just had the worst night of my life."
517
00:34:14,052 --> 00:34:16,612
"I just had the worst night of my life."
You did it, man.
518
00:34:16,855 --> 00:34:18,083
We're having lunch tomorrow.
519
00:34:18,323 --> 00:34:20,314
Tank, we're having lunch.
Can you believe it?
520
00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:23,653
Dude, when it comes to being
an asshole, you are a genius.
521
00:34:23,895 --> 00:34:25,795
Genius.
522
00:34:28,967 --> 00:34:30,491
Anything for a friend.
523
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:35,369
So about the other night.
524
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:37,608
Okay, I was stupid. I was stupid.
525
00:34:37,876 --> 00:34:41,539
It's just... I've never gone this far
with a girl, emotionally.
526
00:34:41,780 --> 00:34:43,680
- And I just lost it.
- Slow down. Slow down.
527
00:34:43,915 --> 00:34:45,906
I was stupid and harsh...
528
00:34:46,151 --> 00:34:47,550
...and I'm sorry.
529
00:34:47,786 --> 00:34:51,051
Last night I went out
with a real asshole. Horrible.
530
00:34:51,289 --> 00:34:53,814
It just made me realize
that guys like you are so rare.
531
00:34:56,228 --> 00:34:58,526
But it also made me realize
how few guys I've dated.
532
00:34:58,763 --> 00:35:00,754
How few guys
I've actually gone out with.
533
00:35:00,999 --> 00:35:03,467
Like, none. I need to date
and you need to date...
534
00:35:03,702 --> 00:35:06,535
...other people. I'm just saying that...
535
00:35:06,771 --> 00:35:11,003
What I'm trying to say is that
I wanna start over as friends first.
536
00:35:11,276 --> 00:35:13,676
Like, be friends.
537
00:35:13,912 --> 00:35:16,210
I like you as my friend.
538
00:35:23,121 --> 00:35:24,850
Start over...
539
00:35:25,090 --> 00:35:27,217
...as friends first.
- Friends.
540
00:35:27,459 --> 00:35:29,393
Like Harry and Sally.
541
00:35:32,831 --> 00:35:36,358
I think the point of that movie was that
men and women can't just be friends.
542
00:35:36,601 --> 00:35:39,502
No, no, no,
they can be just friends...
543
00:35:39,738 --> 00:35:42,468
...even date other people,
as long as they end up together...
544
00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:45,437
...in the end. As long
as they end up together, right?
545
00:35:45,710 --> 00:35:46,768
Yeah.
546
00:35:47,045 --> 00:35:52,711
This is fun. You know, I'm gonna go
because my sister is getting married.
547
00:35:52,951 --> 00:35:54,885
It's an on-again, off-again,
on-again thing.
548
00:35:55,120 --> 00:35:58,715
She's freaking out, treating me like
her assistant so I'm running all over.
549
00:35:58,957 --> 00:36:01,391
I'm really glad we had this talk,
you know?
550
00:36:04,062 --> 00:36:06,496
Dude. You check out that sandwich
they got downstairs?
551
00:36:06,731 --> 00:36:08,926
Bread is, like,
two slices of freaking pizza, man.
552
00:36:09,167 --> 00:36:10,395
Only in America. Fuck me.
553
00:36:10,635 --> 00:36:14,071
Clean air probably shouldn't stink
like flaming ass nougat.
554
00:36:14,306 --> 00:36:16,240
I got a real fucking tough guy
over here.
555
00:36:16,474 --> 00:36:19,875
I got a guy on the verge of a five-state
killing spree. Do you wanna...?
556
00:36:20,111 --> 00:36:22,170
Ready? Three, two, one.
557
00:36:22,447 --> 00:36:25,382
- Let me transfer you to my supervisor.
- Let me transfer you to my supervisor.
558
00:36:25,650 --> 00:36:27,948
- Make me proud.
- Kill it.
559
00:36:28,587 --> 00:36:30,612
Hi, this is Supervisor Eugene Lenay.
560
00:36:30,855 --> 00:36:32,720
- How may I help you?
- How may I help you?
561
00:36:34,593 --> 00:36:36,060
- Please hold.
- Please hold.
562
00:36:38,964 --> 00:36:41,057
Treat her like a bowling ball.
563
00:36:41,299 --> 00:36:42,527
Strike.
564
00:36:42,767 --> 00:36:44,394
Dust, hold on one second, all right?
565
00:36:44,636 --> 00:36:47,730
Sir, I looked into the problem
and it'll actually fix itself.
566
00:36:48,006 --> 00:36:49,496
- What's up, kid?
- You failed, Tank.
567
00:36:49,774 --> 00:36:51,537
She wants to see other people.
568
00:36:51,810 --> 00:36:53,539
She said she wants
to see other people?
569
00:36:53,778 --> 00:36:56,212
She did. That's why
you're gonna take her out again.
570
00:36:56,481 --> 00:36:58,949
Except this time,
you're gonna get seriously diabolical.
571
00:36:59,184 --> 00:37:01,550
I'm talking public defecation.
572
00:37:01,786 --> 00:37:05,278
Dust, you're freaking me out here,
okay? Tank-ing is a subtle art.
573
00:37:05,523 --> 00:37:08,219
You can't go in there crazy
like a dragon with a hemorrhoid.
574
00:37:08,460 --> 00:37:11,452
Besides, what makes you think
she'd ever wanna speak to me again?
575
00:37:12,697 --> 00:37:14,562
Don't worry, I'm taking care of that.
576
00:37:14,799 --> 00:37:17,063
No, you're not. You do... Dust.
577
00:37:17,469 --> 00:37:18,902
Don't do anything, okay? Listen.
578
00:37:20,639 --> 00:37:23,199
I have to teach a training seminar
10 minutes ago. Dusty?
579
00:37:25,377 --> 00:37:26,708
All right.
580
00:37:28,680 --> 00:37:30,841
- You're late, Tank.
- I know.
581
00:37:31,783 --> 00:37:33,341
- You're Tank, right?
- Are you a cop?
582
00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:36,349
No, Roger's friend Sonny
said you fix things.
583
00:37:36,588 --> 00:37:37,680
Walk with me.
584
00:37:37,922 --> 00:37:38,946
- You're late.
- Thank you.
585
00:37:39,190 --> 00:37:42,318
I'm going crazy without her.
Shit-in-the-bed-and-roll-around crazy.
586
00:37:42,560 --> 00:37:43,549
- You're late.
- Shut up.
587
00:37:43,795 --> 00:37:46,093
Okay, religious girl.
How do I bump into her?
588
00:37:46,331 --> 00:37:47,389
- You're late.
- No shit.
589
00:37:47,632 --> 00:37:49,395
She's a high-school English teacher.
590
00:37:49,634 --> 00:37:52,762
Guy can't really hang around a
high school these days, unfortunately.
591
00:37:53,004 --> 00:37:54,904
- She gets her hair done Tuesdays.
- Love it.
592
00:37:55,173 --> 00:37:58,665
What'd you do? Foot in your mouth?
Foot-long in somebody's mouth? Facts.
593
00:37:58,943 --> 00:38:02,174
Let's say you're gonna have to be
a real asshole to make me look good.
594
00:38:02,414 --> 00:38:03,847
It's what I do.
595
00:38:04,082 --> 00:38:06,243
- You're late.
- Yes.
596
00:38:06,484 --> 00:38:08,679
Everybody, you're late.
Don't let it happen again.
597
00:38:08,920 --> 00:38:10,182
I'm Tank and I will be brief.
598
00:38:10,422 --> 00:38:12,788
Here at Airmeister
we have two rules.
599
00:38:13,024 --> 00:38:14,924
No refunds.
600
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:19,119
The beauty of an air purifier is that
nobody can prove that it doesn't work.
601
00:38:19,364 --> 00:38:22,629
Amanda, you saucy tart.
I want somebody really pissed off.
602
00:38:22,867 --> 00:38:25,131
I'm talking about DEFCON 2
level of anger.
603
00:38:25,370 --> 00:38:26,598
Who do you got for me, baby?
604
00:38:26,838 --> 00:38:30,831
I have just the one for you. She's
furious and asked for you by name.
605
00:38:31,109 --> 00:38:32,576
Put her through.
606
00:38:35,180 --> 00:38:39,082
Tank Turner, Customer Satisfaction.
How may I help you?
607
00:38:39,317 --> 00:38:41,148
Before we even discuss
what I received...
608
00:38:41,386 --> 00:38:43,081
...which is a whole other mystery...
609
00:38:43,321 --> 00:38:45,186
...I demand an explanation
for yesterday.
610
00:38:45,423 --> 00:38:48,392
Ma'am, I'm fully concerned.
What happened yesterday?
611
00:38:48,626 --> 00:38:50,685
Are you gay?
Or are you just an asshole?
612
00:38:50,929 --> 00:38:55,559
Oh, ma'am. Profanity is superfluous
because no verbal affront...
613
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:58,860
...could be as devastating to me
as your dissatisfaction.
614
00:38:59,104 --> 00:39:00,571
Dissatisfaction?
615
00:39:00,805 --> 00:39:05,242
Yes, I mean if the unit's performance
or lack thereof has left you frustrated...
616
00:39:05,477 --> 00:39:08,742
See, I never saw your unit. I gave
you a chance and you didn't deliver.
617
00:39:08,980 --> 00:39:10,641
Ma'am, you're upset.
618
00:39:10,882 --> 00:39:14,784
I'm upset. I'm upset that you will
never, ever know what it's like...
619
00:39:15,019 --> 00:39:18,887
...to sit on a hot, sweaty
summer night...
620
00:39:19,124 --> 00:39:22,855
...and let that unit blow
its glorious bounty all over your face.
621
00:39:23,828 --> 00:39:25,955
You think after the shit
you put me through...
622
00:39:26,197 --> 00:39:29,928
...that I called just so
you could talk dirty to me?
623
00:39:30,168 --> 00:39:32,659
I gave you a one-time
free hall pass for sex.
624
00:39:32,904 --> 00:39:34,394
Good sex. Hot sex.
625
00:39:34,672 --> 00:39:37,436
L... I... I fucking roofied myself.
626
00:39:39,644 --> 00:39:40,975
I'm a little confused. Amanda?
627
00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:42,975
You're confused?
That makes two of us...
628
00:39:43,214 --> 00:39:46,274
...because I don't know what kind
of asshole acts like an asshole...
629
00:39:46,518 --> 00:39:50,511
...and then when it actually comes
time to be an asshole, walks away.
630
00:39:50,755 --> 00:39:52,552
Like a total asshole.
631
00:39:52,791 --> 00:39:55,385
Making me look like
an even bigger asshole...
632
00:39:55,627 --> 00:40:00,826
...for offering some big-ass asshole
asshole-sex in the first place.
633
00:40:01,065 --> 00:40:03,033
What kind of asshole are you?
634
00:40:05,570 --> 00:40:07,731
This is actually a personal call.
635
00:40:08,039 --> 00:40:09,768
Dude, you are so hired.
636
00:40:10,275 --> 00:40:12,106
Excuse me for a second.
637
00:40:12,510 --> 00:40:13,875
Shit.
638
00:40:14,379 --> 00:40:15,573
Asshole.
639
00:40:30,662 --> 00:40:33,256
Sorry. Offer expired.
640
00:40:39,437 --> 00:40:43,897
Did you really think roses and a poem
would give you a second chance?
641
00:40:44,175 --> 00:40:46,541
You rhymed "apology"
with "apologetically."
642
00:40:46,778 --> 00:40:49,110
- I'm...
- I just felt bad, okay?
643
00:40:49,347 --> 00:40:51,281
You're right,
I do owe you an explanation.
644
00:40:51,516 --> 00:40:53,984
I didn't sleep with you
because you're not attractive.
645
00:40:54,219 --> 00:40:55,550
- There, I said it.
- Oh, thanks.
646
00:40:55,787 --> 00:40:57,778
Thank you so much
because you saved me...
647
00:40:58,022 --> 00:41:00,513
...from what could've been
the worst decision of my life.
648
00:41:00,758 --> 00:41:02,817
- And I've eaten sushi in Tijuana.
- One-nothing.
649
00:41:03,061 --> 00:41:05,655
You're below my standards.
Even for a one-night pity fuck.
650
00:41:05,897 --> 00:41:09,993
- And I've taken down some real hogs.
- Yeah, hogs, cows, sheep.
651
00:41:10,235 --> 00:41:12,601
I bet your sex life is
a regular heavy-petting zoo.
652
00:41:12,837 --> 00:41:14,964
You know what?
You're what we call a two-bagger.
653
00:41:15,206 --> 00:41:17,197
That means I have to wear
a bag on my head...
654
00:41:17,475 --> 00:41:19,739
...just in case
the one on yours breaks.
655
00:41:20,278 --> 00:41:21,870
You sure it's not just a size thing?
656
00:41:22,146 --> 00:41:25,912
Because it's gotta be tough standing at
a urinal, pissing on your own testicles.
657
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:28,015
At least I can hide my shame
in my pants.
658
00:41:28,253 --> 00:41:29,914
What really sucks is having an ass...
659
00:41:30,154 --> 00:41:33,681
...the size of a miniature
Mediterranean donkey. That suck...
660
00:41:34,526 --> 00:41:36,255
- Don't...
- You think that's too big?
661
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,758
You think that's too small?
662
00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:59,575
So you said do nothing,
but I did something, totally small.
663
00:41:59,817 --> 00:42:02,945
I sent her a couple hundred bucks
worth of roses and a kick-ass poem.
664
00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:04,984
A few stanzas, no big deal.
Did she call?
665
00:42:05,490 --> 00:42:06,650
No, she didn't.
666
00:42:06,891 --> 00:42:09,724
Dusty, these women, they have
a way of getting into our head.
667
00:42:09,961 --> 00:42:11,861
I'm gonna give you
some fresh perspective.
668
00:42:12,096 --> 00:42:14,087
Listen to me.
This girl, I'm getting a hunch.
669
00:42:14,332 --> 00:42:16,527
She's built for destruction.
You can't trust her.
670
00:42:16,768 --> 00:42:19,760
You know who you have to trust,
Dusty? Each other.
671
00:42:20,071 --> 00:42:23,404
Yeah. It's time to let her go.
Maybe get some... You know.
672
00:42:23,675 --> 00:42:25,370
Just let her go. Move on.
673
00:42:25,643 --> 00:42:27,975
You want me to move on?
674
00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:31,670
Give up. Want me to give up. That's
your big plan? I should just give up?
675
00:42:31,950 --> 00:42:35,078
That doesn't quite work for me, okay?
That doesn't quite work for me.
676
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:36,981
I'm not some sort of misogynist...
677
00:42:37,221 --> 00:42:40,349
...that can just swap out women
like they were batteries, okay?
678
00:42:40,592 --> 00:42:43,425
I love her, Tank. I care more
about this girl than I do myself.
679
00:42:43,661 --> 00:42:45,993
- You will never understand that.
- It's new to me.
680
00:42:46,230 --> 00:42:48,391
She said she wants to be friends.
681
00:42:50,435 --> 00:42:52,062
You know what? I'll give her a friend.
682
00:42:53,805 --> 00:42:55,534
I'll be the best goddamn friend
she ever had.
683
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,832
Today was a good day for us.
684
00:43:28,106 --> 00:43:30,370
We made eye contact,
although I couldn't gauge...
685
00:43:31,843 --> 00:43:32,832
I gotta run.
686
00:43:44,689 --> 00:43:45,621
Turn.
687
00:43:53,364 --> 00:43:54,922
She's really tough to read.
688
00:43:55,166 --> 00:43:56,463
Really tough to read.
689
00:43:56,701 --> 00:44:00,967
I felt like... I felt like
she was a bit distracted.
690
00:44:03,474 --> 00:44:05,738
Totally. Hey, can we do this later?
691
00:44:41,779 --> 00:44:43,542
It's hot.
692
00:44:48,286 --> 00:44:49,878
Where you going?
693
00:45:13,344 --> 00:45:15,471
She's seeing someone.
694
00:45:17,782 --> 00:45:19,113
Dusty.
695
00:45:19,350 --> 00:45:21,841
What are you doing?
You're scaring the shit out of me.
696
00:45:22,086 --> 00:45:24,646
Sitting in the dark like a vampire,
you creepy weirdo.
697
00:45:24,889 --> 00:45:26,857
She's seeing someone.
698
00:45:28,025 --> 00:45:31,517
We don't go out at night.
I get her voice mail after 10.
699
00:45:31,763 --> 00:45:33,754
She's seeing someone.
700
00:45:33,998 --> 00:45:36,626
- And I'm gonna find out who.
- I'm gonna take back "weirdo."
701
00:45:36,868 --> 00:45:39,359
You're giving off more of
a full-blown serial psycho...
702
00:45:39,604 --> 00:45:41,435
...crawlspace-full-of-skin-sombreros
vibe.
703
00:45:41,706 --> 00:45:42,900
Stop. Intervention time.
704
00:45:43,174 --> 00:45:45,642
It's time to forget about Alexis.
Look at me, all right?
705
00:45:45,910 --> 00:45:50,574
It's time to wipe the cobwebs
off your cock and stick something.
706
00:45:50,948 --> 00:45:52,711
I don't think she'd be cool with that.
707
00:45:52,950 --> 00:45:56,386
Look at me, please. You definitely...
You don't need her permission.
708
00:45:56,621 --> 00:45:57,747
You need to get laid.
709
00:45:57,989 --> 00:46:00,651
And if you'll listen to me,
I bet I could make that happen.
710
00:46:00,892 --> 00:46:04,123
This is one of the most important
things that any man can do.
711
00:46:04,362 --> 00:46:05,795
A haircut?
712
00:46:06,264 --> 00:46:08,164
Yes, Dusty, a haircut. Look at me.
713
00:46:08,399 --> 00:46:10,663
You look like Chewbacca and
Sasquatch had a baby...
714
00:46:10,902 --> 00:46:13,268
...the baby took a shit,
and that shit was blinded...
715
00:46:13,504 --> 00:46:15,131
...moments before styling your hair.
716
00:46:15,373 --> 00:46:18,171
- A bit harsh.
- Appointment for Dusty, please.
717
00:46:18,442 --> 00:46:20,034
Grab a seat.
718
00:46:21,979 --> 00:46:24,447
Great article. I've read that.
Sorry to interrupt.
719
00:46:25,750 --> 00:46:28,241
My associate here is looking for
a stylist he can trust.
720
00:46:28,486 --> 00:46:32,684
And this place was recommended to
us by a woman in our prayer group.
721
00:46:33,391 --> 00:46:35,723
Well, is he looking
for something simple or...?
722
00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:38,554
Maybe a what-would-Jesus-'do.
723
00:46:42,400 --> 00:46:44,891
- I'm Hilary.
- Hilary, my name is Tank.
724
00:46:45,136 --> 00:46:47,001
- This is Dustin.
- Hi.
725
00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:52,237
So I've got an $85 haircut
so you could have a meet-cute?
726
00:46:52,510 --> 00:46:54,444
Oh, it's $ 110. Worth every penny.
727
00:46:54,679 --> 00:46:56,510
In return,
I'm gonna get you a date with...
728
00:46:56,747 --> 00:47:00,410
Let's just call her a confidence booster.
A slow, fat one down the middle.
729
00:47:00,651 --> 00:47:02,175
I hope that's a baseball metaphor.
730
00:47:02,420 --> 00:47:05,480
This pitch is in your wheelhouse.
Grand slam, upper deck. Game over.
731
00:47:05,723 --> 00:47:08,248
- Hey, beauty queen.
- Hey, I have a question. I'm sorry.
732
00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:10,517
I've got these little...
Is there any way...?
733
00:47:10,761 --> 00:47:12,490
Yeah.
734
00:47:13,664 --> 00:47:15,131
- Shit.
- I'm so sorry.
735
00:47:15,366 --> 00:47:17,698
No, I'm sorry. Sorry.
736
00:47:17,935 --> 00:47:21,666
- Is there any other way we could...?
- Yeah, okay.
737
00:47:21,939 --> 00:47:24,339
Guess what.
We're all set for tonight.
738
00:47:25,042 --> 00:47:26,703
Okay, hold still.
739
00:47:28,145 --> 00:47:31,239
What about, like, frosting my tips?
740
00:47:31,482 --> 00:47:32,676
What are you, a Mini-Wheat?
741
00:47:32,917 --> 00:47:35,784
Listen, this girl's not Alexis.
She's got a bed built for sex...
742
00:47:36,020 --> 00:47:38,079
...not stuffed animals.
- Wait, what?
743
00:47:38,322 --> 00:47:41,189
How do you know that Alexis
has stuffed animals on her bed?
744
00:47:50,701 --> 00:47:51,668
- Wait.
- Oh, my.
745
00:47:51,903 --> 00:47:54,565
- Fuck.
- Oh, my God...
746
00:47:54,805 --> 00:47:57,171
This stuff happens in salons.
Sometimes it's fixable.
747
00:47:57,441 --> 00:47:59,306
- Tell him it's fixable.
- I'm gonna throw up.
748
00:47:59,543 --> 00:48:01,306
Makeup, little shading,
maybe some glue.
749
00:48:01,545 --> 00:48:02,944
How about an eyebrow toupee?
750
00:48:03,180 --> 00:48:05,273
- Where's my eyebrow?
- I don't know what to say.
751
00:48:05,516 --> 00:48:08,383
Oh, God, kill me. Kill me. Kill me!
Where's my eyebrow?
752
00:48:08,619 --> 00:48:09,608
That's a new look.
753
00:48:09,854 --> 00:48:12,618
- You can fix it, right?
- Sure, just pop into my DeLorean.
754
00:48:12,857 --> 00:48:14,484
- It's in the back.
- Don't be a bitch.
755
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:17,694
- You're the bitch, bitch.
- Hey, gossip girls. Focus on my friend.
756
00:48:17,929 --> 00:48:20,523
- He's follicly deformed.
- Fuck my fucking mother.
757
00:48:20,765 --> 00:48:24,292
Let's come up with this... Dusty, unless
one's missing, nobody's gonna notice.
758
00:48:24,535 --> 00:48:25,593
Yeah.
759
00:48:25,836 --> 00:48:29,567
- Come here. Come here, sit down.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
760
00:48:30,274 --> 00:48:32,265
You gotta be brave, man.
761
00:48:33,377 --> 00:48:35,072
Oh, my God.
762
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,543
- Do it. It's good.
- Come on. It's gonna...
763
00:48:37,782 --> 00:48:40,114
You know what?
I think it's gonna look great.
764
00:48:40,351 --> 00:48:43,650
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- It's gonna be really hot.
765
00:48:44,855 --> 00:48:46,720
- It better be hot.
- Yeah.
766
00:48:49,860 --> 00:48:51,521
Fuck.
767
00:48:52,330 --> 00:48:54,958
Bad, bad times.
768
00:48:56,767 --> 00:48:58,462
Oh, my fucking shit.
769
00:49:00,304 --> 00:49:01,828
I'm coming.
770
00:49:04,675 --> 00:49:07,007
Oh, those are lovely.
771
00:49:07,812 --> 00:49:11,578
And I see
you've got a hairstyle change.
772
00:49:11,816 --> 00:49:15,616
- True.
- Claire, he's here.
773
00:49:15,853 --> 00:49:17,514
Come on in. She'll be right out.
774
00:49:19,457 --> 00:49:23,621
I'm sorry, I was
under the impression that we...
775
00:49:23,861 --> 00:49:28,389
Us? No.
Tank said you needed a lay-up.
776
00:49:28,632 --> 00:49:30,190
Are you calling me a lay-up?
777
00:49:30,434 --> 00:49:32,766
No. God, no. No.
778
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,465
They told me you were taller.
779
00:49:39,844 --> 00:49:42,278
Just for peace of mind,
the father of this child is...?
780
00:49:42,546 --> 00:49:46,073
In the middle of a brutal divorce
with the mother of this child.
781
00:49:46,317 --> 00:49:47,545
Cool.
782
00:49:47,785 --> 00:49:49,912
I mean, not cool.
That's not cool. But... But...
783
00:49:50,154 --> 00:49:51,280
Here you go.
784
00:49:51,522 --> 00:49:53,854
Lilies. Thoughtful.
785
00:49:57,561 --> 00:50:00,189
- Sorry.
- I don't wanna give them up.
786
00:50:00,431 --> 00:50:01,830
- Thanks.
- I told you.
787
00:50:02,066 --> 00:50:03,966
My friend said
he was one of the good guys.
788
00:50:04,201 --> 00:50:07,193
I don't know if I would say
I'm one of the...
789
00:50:07,438 --> 00:50:11,101
I've been known to be
a bit of a dog sometimes.
790
00:50:11,976 --> 00:50:15,468
How cute,
he's trying to convince himself.
791
00:50:15,746 --> 00:50:18,408
Oh, no, you're a sweetheart,
and that's okay.
792
00:50:18,649 --> 00:50:22,312
I mean, Claire needs someone like you
after the mess she's been through.
793
00:50:22,553 --> 00:50:24,851
Someone nice.
794
00:50:25,089 --> 00:50:28,388
Nice is nice.
795
00:50:28,626 --> 00:50:30,025
- Should I take those?
- Oh, yes.
796
00:50:31,729 --> 00:50:33,697
I'm sorry, sitter's running a bit late.
797
00:50:33,931 --> 00:50:36,661
Can I get you something
to drink, cutie?
798
00:50:40,171 --> 00:50:42,196
- Yeah, actually, as a matter of fact.
- Okay.
799
00:50:42,440 --> 00:50:43,907
You can.
800
00:50:46,377 --> 00:50:48,140
I'll have what he's having.
801
00:50:48,379 --> 00:50:50,745
- What the fuck?
- What just happened?
802
00:50:50,981 --> 00:50:53,313
- He just said he wants...
- I just, I said...
803
00:50:53,551 --> 00:50:55,712
He looked at Liam,
licked his lips and said:
804
00:50:55,953 --> 00:50:58,387
- "I'll have what he's having."
- Okay, but what I meant...
805
00:50:58,622 --> 00:51:00,749
- What does that even mean?
- What does that mean?
806
00:51:00,991 --> 00:51:03,619
- I'll ex... Let me explain.
- You want me to lactate for you?
807
00:51:03,861 --> 00:51:04,919
- No.
- You want my big...
808
00:51:05,162 --> 00:51:08,859
...life-giving, mothering, nurturing
breasts in your filthy mouth?
809
00:51:09,300 --> 00:51:11,268
What's wrong with you?
There's a child here.
810
00:51:11,502 --> 00:51:13,129
- She's got a child.
- I see the child.
811
00:51:13,370 --> 00:51:15,065
- A child.
- It is a child. I was just...
812
00:51:15,306 --> 00:51:17,069
- You wanna breast-feed.
- What?
813
00:51:17,341 --> 00:51:18,740
That's what this is.
814
00:51:18,976 --> 00:51:23,072
You're some fetishistic monster
who preys on women.
815
00:51:23,314 --> 00:51:26,374
- Okay, I was just kidding.
- You're disgusting.
816
00:51:26,617 --> 00:51:30,747
I was gonna throw myself at you,
and you...
817
00:51:31,455 --> 00:51:32,683
I was just joking...
818
00:51:32,923 --> 00:51:34,288
- Can we just start over?
- Hi.
819
00:51:34,525 --> 00:51:38,086
- I just wanna start...
- Sorry, Laney, we don't need a sitter.
820
00:51:38,329 --> 00:51:41,321
Groucho here made a mark
about suckling at my teat...
821
00:51:41,565 --> 00:51:43,726
...and stealing my baby's milk...
822
00:51:43,968 --> 00:51:46,027
...and is consequently leaving.
- Okay.
823
00:51:46,270 --> 00:51:48,431
- Get the fuck out!
- Okay, I'm really sorry.
824
00:51:48,672 --> 00:51:50,867
- I'm just... I'm sorry.
- No. No more. Just get out.
825
00:51:51,142 --> 00:51:53,610
- I'm really sorry.
- Go, go.
826
00:51:54,778 --> 00:51:56,245
Come here.
827
00:52:01,085 --> 00:52:03,485
You got shot down...
828
00:52:03,721 --> 00:52:06,690
...in a blaze of glory.
829
00:52:07,625 --> 00:52:09,525
You cost me a job, man.
830
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:13,787
I'm sorry. Let me make it up to you.
How much...?
831
00:52:14,031 --> 00:52:16,761
- Forty... Fifty if it's past 11.
- Okay.
832
00:52:17,001 --> 00:52:20,061
Here's 60 for your trouble.
I'm really sorry.
833
00:52:20,304 --> 00:52:21,965
Sweet.
834
00:52:22,206 --> 00:52:25,972
Hey, for another 60,
I'll jerk you off in the parking garage.
835
00:52:26,944 --> 00:52:30,607
Jesus. Do I really
look that desperate?
836
00:52:34,652 --> 00:52:38,383
There's no milk, but I'll let you suck tit
for 5 bucks a minute.
837
00:52:41,859 --> 00:52:43,417
Excuse me.
838
00:53:12,323 --> 00:53:14,348
Alexis!
839
00:53:14,592 --> 00:53:16,560
Alexis!
840
00:53:17,561 --> 00:53:19,188
Alexis, I love you!
841
00:53:19,730 --> 00:53:23,598
I love you, Alexis.
I can't just be friends, okay?
842
00:53:24,201 --> 00:53:26,396
Alexis, come to the door.
843
00:53:28,806 --> 00:53:30,467
Come on.
844
00:53:31,575 --> 00:53:32,564
- Oh, Dobler.
- Hey, hey.
845
00:53:32,843 --> 00:53:36,677
Hi there. I'm so sorry,
your BFF's upstairs with another guy.
846
00:53:37,181 --> 00:53:39,445
Holy shit, what is
going on with your eyebrows?
847
00:53:39,683 --> 00:53:43,483
- Seriously, I think there's something...
- I'm sorry. She's got a guy up there?
848
00:53:43,721 --> 00:53:46,417
But they're just hanging out, right?
Is she seeing this guy?
849
00:53:46,657 --> 00:53:48,716
No, no, no.
No, no, just an occasional bang.
850
00:53:48,959 --> 00:53:51,359
No, no. God, no. How many times
have they gone out?
851
00:53:51,595 --> 00:53:54,655
- How many times have they...? Not...
- They don't go out ever.
852
00:53:54,898 --> 00:53:57,696
No, he just comes over and
he bangs, and then he leaves.
853
00:53:58,202 --> 00:54:00,261
- What?
- You know, she's doing this all for you.
854
00:54:00,504 --> 00:54:03,940
Think about it. She's up there with
her knees by her ears, getting railed...
855
00:54:04,208 --> 00:54:06,802
...so one day she can settle down
with a nice boy like you.
856
00:54:07,077 --> 00:54:08,510
- I love her. I love her.
- Dustin.
857
00:54:08,779 --> 00:54:11,577
- You'd better be ready. I'm serious.
- Alexis.
858
00:54:11,982 --> 00:54:14,314
Alexis. Ale...
859
00:54:17,621 --> 00:54:20,454
Dustin, what are you doing here?
860
00:54:21,325 --> 00:54:23,691
- What is he doing here?
- Well, this is my...
861
00:54:23,927 --> 00:54:25,656
It's Tank.
862
00:54:27,431 --> 00:54:30,332
- This is the guy you're with?
- No, I'm not with anyone.
863
00:54:30,567 --> 00:54:32,330
I'm not... We're not together.
864
00:54:32,569 --> 00:54:35,265
I mean, no offense, Tank,
but we're not...
865
00:54:35,606 --> 00:54:38,131
I told you. I told you that
I was gonna get out there...
866
00:54:38,409 --> 00:54:41,173
...and I was gonna see other people
and I was gonna date...
867
00:54:41,412 --> 00:54:43,312
...and get some experience
under my belt...
868
00:54:43,547 --> 00:54:47,574
...and live my life a little bit. For once
in my life, do something like that...
869
00:54:47,818 --> 00:54:50,013
...and that's exactly what I'm doing.
870
00:54:53,223 --> 00:54:55,123
- Should I go?
- Yes.
871
00:54:55,693 --> 00:54:56,819
- I'm gonna go.
- No, no, no.
872
00:54:57,061 --> 00:54:57,959
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Tank.
873
00:54:58,195 --> 00:55:00,561
- You know what? I'll go.
- No, you don't go, you stay.
874
00:55:00,798 --> 00:55:04,063
I should get going, I have a big day
tomorrow. My roommate's moving out.
875
00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:05,268
I have shit to do too.
876
00:55:05,502 --> 00:55:06,594
- Really?
- Bye.
877
00:55:06,837 --> 00:55:08,862
- I'll call you later.
- I'll call you later.
878
00:55:09,139 --> 00:55:10,367
- No, after you.
- No, you go.
879
00:55:10,641 --> 00:55:12,336
No, no, please, Tank. You go first.
880
00:55:12,609 --> 00:55:14,133
- All right.
- Fine.
881
00:55:17,915 --> 00:55:20,213
- How can I trust you?
- I don't know.
882
00:55:20,451 --> 00:55:24,182
Hey, I wasn't kidding.
You're out by tomorrow morning.
883
00:55:26,590 --> 00:55:28,148
Dusty...
884
00:55:38,402 --> 00:55:40,097
I thought so.
885
00:55:45,876 --> 00:55:48,504
So we remember
the words of Betty Friedan:
886
00:55:48,879 --> 00:55:52,975
"A woman has got to be able to say,
and not feel guilty:
887
00:55:54,451 --> 00:55:56,043
'Who am I...
888
00:55:57,087 --> 00:55:59,578
...and what do I want out of life?"'
889
00:56:00,391 --> 00:56:02,882
That's why my Women's Studies
program will be focused...
890
00:56:03,127 --> 00:56:07,689
...on the liberation,
celebration and exploration...
891
00:56:11,468 --> 00:56:12,799
...of you...
892
00:56:16,607 --> 00:56:18,040
...and you...
893
00:56:21,078 --> 00:56:22,602
...and you.
894
00:56:24,515 --> 00:56:28,417
Enjoy your weekend,
and please try to do so responsibly.
895
00:56:31,355 --> 00:56:34,153
The man is Oprah.
896
00:56:39,096 --> 00:56:42,065
Would you all excuse me
for just one second, please?
897
00:56:46,870 --> 00:56:48,735
- Sherman, Sherman, Sherman.
- Hey, Dad.
898
00:56:49,206 --> 00:56:53,040
If there's anything else I can get for
you, I'm always available, professor.
899
00:56:53,277 --> 00:56:57,475
One of my teaching assistants, and
a very hard-working young woman.
900
00:57:02,653 --> 00:57:07,249
Last night, I fucked her
within an inch of her life.
901
00:57:07,491 --> 00:57:10,221
True story. I'm jamming
her head through the headboard...
902
00:57:10,461 --> 00:57:12,793
...I flip her over, she screams,
"Give me a choker."
903
00:57:13,030 --> 00:57:16,193
I play the choirboy, "What's that?"
Star wipe to five minutes later...
904
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:19,300
...she's bucking like an epileptic
at a strobe-light convention.
905
00:57:19,536 --> 00:57:20,503
I'm getting scared.
906
00:57:20,737 --> 00:57:23,467
As I'm working out the 911 phone call
in my head, she goes:
907
00:57:27,711 --> 00:57:29,679
Like an air bag.
908
00:57:32,149 --> 00:57:33,377
Now, that's a Tuesday night.
909
00:57:34,251 --> 00:57:35,377
You got a good gig, Dad.
910
00:57:36,787 --> 00:57:37,754
How you doing, son?
911
00:57:39,990 --> 00:57:40,957
Dusty kicked me out.
912
00:57:41,191 --> 00:57:44,558
In all fairness, I was accidentally
sleeping with his pseudo-girlfriend...
913
00:57:44,795 --> 00:57:47,263
...but I feel like shit.
914
00:57:47,498 --> 00:57:49,625
Son, let me tell you a story.
915
00:57:49,867 --> 00:57:52,597
December, 1977,
your mother, God rest her soul...
916
00:57:52,836 --> 00:57:55,134
...throws one of her infamous
pot potlucks...
917
00:57:55,372 --> 00:57:58,773
...and I find myself sozzled in
the boathouse with your Aunt Francie.
918
00:57:59,042 --> 00:58:01,408
Now today, some might consider her
to be zaftig...
919
00:58:01,645 --> 00:58:04,546
...but back then,
she could really hang a sundress.
920
00:58:04,781 --> 00:58:07,579
How I yearned for her.
921
00:58:07,818 --> 00:58:10,582
But I refrained because
it was your mother's sister.
922
00:58:10,821 --> 00:58:13,790
- I get it. I fucked up.
- No. No.
923
00:58:14,024 --> 00:58:17,221
The point is, is that two days later,
I banged the shit out of her...
924
00:58:17,461 --> 00:58:21,124
...in the back of a Bonneville while
your mother filled my prescription.
925
00:58:22,766 --> 00:58:24,393
Best Pontiac sex I've ever had.
926
00:58:26,470 --> 00:58:28,335
Okay, so you approve?
927
00:58:30,507 --> 00:58:34,773
Guilt is just one more thing
trying to asphyxiate us during sex.
928
00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:38,413
You cheat, you feel bad, you watch TV,
you feel better, you cheat again.
929
00:58:48,025 --> 00:58:50,152
All right, you know what?
This girl's different.
930
00:58:50,394 --> 00:58:54,455
She's smart, she's cool,
she's tough, she's a 10.
931
00:58:55,832 --> 00:58:59,791
Ms. Barber, I must apologize
for my son's antiquated phraseology.
932
00:59:00,037 --> 00:59:02,335
Out of desperation,
he continues to assess women...
933
00:59:02,606 --> 00:59:03,834
...a base-10 value number...
934
00:59:04,107 --> 00:59:06,337
...predicated solely
on their physical countenance.
935
00:59:06,610 --> 00:59:08,077
That's...
936
00:59:08,845 --> 00:59:11,279
- That's wrong, Sherman.
- No problem.
937
00:59:28,465 --> 00:59:31,798
I moved from numbers a long time ago.
You rarely find a 10 outside of L.A.
938
00:59:32,035 --> 00:59:35,095
That's ass-up polyurethane. Really
talking about a one through nine.
939
00:59:35,339 --> 00:59:38,604
It was too constricting.
I'm all about the letters now.
940
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:40,504
J.
941
00:59:42,579 --> 00:59:44,069
She smells like a J.
942
00:59:44,348 --> 00:59:45,679
E over there in the booth.
943
00:59:46,149 --> 00:59:49,676
An E is a 22 on a scale of 26.
944
00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:51,182
It gets easier with practice.
945
00:59:53,357 --> 00:59:56,224
- S.
- Crop-top here, she would be an F.
946
00:59:56,460 --> 00:59:59,896
No, bad skin. She's a G,
maybe an H without the war paint.
947
01:00:00,130 --> 01:00:03,531
But that cougar over there,
Bo Derek with the blue wrap.
948
01:00:03,767 --> 01:00:05,530
- She's a solid L.
- Okay, wait a second.
949
01:00:05,769 --> 01:00:07,828
That woman is 62,
that wrap is a shawl...
950
01:00:08,071 --> 01:00:10,665
...that L is a Y, and
there's a reason they call them Y's.
951
01:00:10,941 --> 01:00:12,568
- Come on.
- Check it.
952
01:00:13,210 --> 01:00:16,077
No, good call, Sherm, good call.
953
01:00:16,346 --> 01:00:18,246
I've gotta get that Lasik.
954
01:00:18,482 --> 01:00:22,043
- So you gonna wing me or what?
- What's the game plan?
955
01:00:22,796 --> 01:00:25,390
Being an educator,
I like to stick to the school grades...
956
01:00:25,633 --> 01:00:28,124
...A, B, C and D.
You, on the other hand...
957
01:00:28,369 --> 01:00:30,769
...should stay with the back 13,
thin out the herd.
958
01:00:31,005 --> 01:00:32,973
Thanks, Dad.
I'm off the market right now.
959
01:00:33,207 --> 01:00:35,698
I told you about this girl.
You know, she...
960
01:00:35,943 --> 01:00:37,604
The other night, we're making love...
961
01:00:37,845 --> 01:00:40,245
...and we're just
laying there afterwards and...
962
01:00:40,481 --> 01:00:42,915
- Sharing the silence?
- Yeah.
963
01:00:43,150 --> 01:00:45,380
What the fuck is wrong with you?
964
01:00:45,653 --> 01:00:47,416
"Making love"?
What are you, Nora Ephron?
965
01:00:47,688 --> 01:00:49,121
Is this some Redbook interview?
966
01:00:49,390 --> 01:00:51,790
You sound like Liberace's
stylist's boyfriend.
967
01:00:52,026 --> 01:00:54,824
"Let's just enjoy the silences
and the caprice together."
968
01:00:55,062 --> 01:00:57,826
- I have no son. I have no son.
- Dad, I dig this girl.
969
01:00:58,065 --> 01:01:00,056
Good, keep talking.
And while you're talking...
970
01:01:00,301 --> 01:01:02,667
...there are cougars on my right
who are clocking us.
971
01:01:02,903 --> 01:01:05,371
- Can you listen?
- Soon as you put on your safari hat...
972
01:01:05,606 --> 01:01:09,098
...and grab your gun.
- Dad, can you just stay here with me?
973
01:01:09,643 --> 01:01:10,610
Of course I can, son.
974
01:01:10,844 --> 01:01:14,075
Since you fucked my chances with
the "Dad" play. Thanks for projecting.
975
01:01:14,315 --> 01:01:17,182
Not to mention the gay-caress
maneuver for the hearing-impaired.
976
01:01:17,451 --> 01:01:19,817
Can't you just be my Dad
for five fucking seconds?
977
01:01:20,054 --> 01:01:24,150
Oh, I'm sorry, you want the real
father-son bullshit. Right this way.
978
01:01:24,391 --> 01:01:27,554
That girl was dating Dusty,
which means she's out of your league.
979
01:01:27,962 --> 01:01:29,259
She was slumming it, Sherman.
980
01:01:30,998 --> 01:01:34,490
"Now, the truth may set you free,
but first it's gonna piss you off."
981
01:01:34,735 --> 01:01:36,202
Gloria Steinem said that.
982
01:01:42,509 --> 01:01:44,704
My son, the booty call.
983
01:01:45,479 --> 01:01:46,741
Thanks for the advice, professor.
984
01:01:57,258 --> 01:01:58,850
Shit.
985
01:02:15,576 --> 01:02:17,601
That was insane.
986
01:02:22,750 --> 01:02:24,547
It was insane, right?
987
01:02:29,223 --> 01:02:30,212
It was...
988
01:02:34,395 --> 01:02:36,420
Hey, can I have some of that?
989
01:02:43,337 --> 01:02:44,827
Who's that guy?
990
01:02:45,339 --> 01:02:47,864
That's Greg, he's an old friend.
991
01:02:49,943 --> 01:02:51,308
Why?
992
01:02:53,080 --> 01:02:56,811
Just I'm seeing, you know,
his arm's a little low on your hip.
993
01:02:57,384 --> 01:03:02,014
One of his hands is almost near
your ass. You know, for a friend.
994
01:03:03,223 --> 01:03:05,885
Did you guys ever hook up? Really?
995
01:03:06,126 --> 01:03:09,152
You're not serious, are you?
996
01:03:09,863 --> 01:03:13,299
No. No, I'm not serious at all.
997
01:03:14,301 --> 01:03:18,738
- I mean, you're in a picture with him.
- Oh, my God, you're serious.
998
01:03:19,540 --> 01:03:21,667
Why don't we have a picture?
999
01:03:24,211 --> 01:03:26,076
I don't know.
1000
01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:29,114
- I can fix that. That's easy.
- No, no, no.
1001
01:03:29,350 --> 01:03:32,478
- No, no. I'm naked. I don't want... Tank.
- Yeah. I know, I want that...
1002
01:03:32,753 --> 01:03:34,345
- Come here. You're pushing me.
- Tank.
1003
01:03:34,621 --> 01:03:36,054
- I'm out of the bed.
- I'm serious.
1004
01:03:36,323 --> 01:03:38,348
- Okay.
- That hurt.
1005
01:03:38,625 --> 01:03:40,957
- I'm tired.
- That really hurt.
1006
01:03:46,400 --> 01:03:49,130
Stupid idea. It's late.
1007
01:03:57,177 --> 01:03:59,645
I gotta work tomorrow.
1008
01:04:00,647 --> 01:04:02,911
Everybody's gotta work tomorrow.
1009
01:04:08,255 --> 01:04:11,122
You don't want me to stay tonight.
1010
01:04:12,626 --> 01:04:15,720
- I just sort of feel like it's...
- Yeah.
1011
01:04:17,831 --> 01:04:19,856
Totally understandable.
1012
01:04:20,801 --> 01:04:21,961
Yeah.
1013
01:06:01,869 --> 01:06:03,666
Hi.
1014
01:06:04,137 --> 01:06:06,230
What happened to 8?
1015
01:06:06,473 --> 01:06:09,636
- Eight's good.
- But you're an hour late.
1016
01:06:10,210 --> 01:06:11,575
Can we make it 9?
1017
01:06:11,812 --> 01:06:14,007
I thought you wanted
to get drinks before dinner.
1018
01:06:14,248 --> 01:06:17,547
I did. And I did.
1019
01:06:17,818 --> 01:06:19,911
Well, I'm not getting in a car
with you.
1020
01:06:20,187 --> 01:06:23,213
Like I tell my students,
even one drink is one drink too many.
1021
01:06:23,490 --> 01:06:27,392
No vehicle necessary, teach.
The place we're going is right here.
1022
01:06:27,661 --> 01:06:29,492
It's good. Let's go.
1023
01:06:43,143 --> 01:06:45,373
This is wrong.
1024
01:06:46,513 --> 01:06:47,946
Let's eat.
1025
01:06:48,181 --> 01:06:49,648
Right there.
1026
01:06:53,620 --> 01:06:56,851
I'm starving. I wanted to show you
this too. Look, it's my new T-shirt.
1027
01:06:58,125 --> 01:06:59,990
"My cock plus your pussy equals..."?
1028
01:07:01,328 --> 01:07:03,159
- "Good times"?
- That's it.
1029
01:07:03,397 --> 01:07:06,366
Welcome to Cheesus Crust,
where pizza is a religious experience.
1030
01:07:06,600 --> 01:07:08,363
How can I ordain your order?
1031
01:07:08,602 --> 01:07:11,469
How is the Pizza of Nazareth?
1032
01:07:11,705 --> 01:07:13,639
People worship it.
1033
01:07:15,842 --> 01:07:18,436
- I'm deeply offended.
- Me too.
1034
01:07:18,679 --> 01:07:19,907
These prices are outrageous.
1035
01:07:20,147 --> 01:07:22,274
Which is why I carry
my Flavor Savior card.
1036
01:07:22,516 --> 01:07:26,612
Fifteen percent off,
all who eat here religiously.
1037
01:07:28,021 --> 01:07:30,046
Do you think this is funny?
1038
01:07:33,293 --> 01:07:34,851
Good night.
1039
01:07:36,330 --> 01:07:39,026
- You people are sinners!
- You should have thought of that...
1040
01:07:39,266 --> 01:07:42,599
...19 years ago before you stopped
my mom from going into that clinic.
1041
01:07:42,836 --> 01:07:44,531
Have a blessed day.
1042
01:07:47,741 --> 01:07:49,436
Fastest ever.
1043
01:08:13,533 --> 01:08:15,660
Even Jesus had to eat.
1044
01:08:16,470 --> 01:08:19,496
- Don't.
- It was a bad date.
1045
01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:23,368
Well, it was supposed to be
a nice night out.
1046
01:08:23,610 --> 01:08:26,238
You know, my last boyfriend
never took me anywhere.
1047
01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:27,947
Ever.
1048
01:08:28,181 --> 01:08:30,911
He'd text me late at night
to come hang out at his place...
1049
01:08:31,184 --> 01:08:34,381
...like he was ashamed
to be seen with me in public.
1050
01:08:34,655 --> 01:08:38,386
- Please don't cry. Wait. Please?
- I'd make excuses for him, you know?
1051
01:08:38,625 --> 01:08:40,593
He's not using me, I'm using him.
1052
01:08:40,861 --> 01:08:44,888
- And I'm in total control...
- Total control and it's not that serious.
1053
01:08:45,132 --> 01:08:46,759
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1054
01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:48,194
But when that phone rang...
1055
01:08:48,435 --> 01:08:50,835
...my heart leapt, and I was there.
- Totally.
1056
01:08:51,071 --> 01:08:54,837
And now I finally get the chance to
go out on a real date and it's with you.
1057
01:08:55,075 --> 01:08:59,034
- I know, that sucks.
- No, you suck.
1058
01:08:59,279 --> 01:09:02,612
I do. I do suck.
1059
01:09:02,849 --> 01:09:04,578
I suck.
1060
01:09:08,822 --> 01:09:11,655
You must be hungry. Let's go eat.
1061
01:09:14,127 --> 01:09:19,827
My senior year, I take this girl
on a date... Horrible, date from hell.
1062
01:09:20,067 --> 01:09:23,036
About a week later, this frat boy
comes up and he says to me:
1063
01:09:23,270 --> 01:09:25,761
"Only you could make me look good."
1064
01:09:27,307 --> 01:09:29,172
All right? I laughed...
1065
01:09:29,409 --> 01:09:33,368
...until one of his buddies
then came to me and was like:
1066
01:09:33,613 --> 01:09:35,740
"Can you help me with my ex?"
1067
01:09:35,982 --> 01:09:39,042
- Tank was born.
- Yeah. Yeah, really.
1068
01:09:43,090 --> 01:09:46,389
- I'm sorry.
- I understand.
1069
01:09:47,728 --> 01:09:49,059
But...
1070
01:09:49,529 --> 01:09:50,689
...do you enjoy it?
1071
01:09:50,931 --> 01:09:53,161
I'm good at it.
I'm good at being an asshole.
1072
01:09:54,034 --> 01:09:55,661
It's what I do.
1073
01:09:56,269 --> 01:09:59,067
- You're like the anti-Cupid.
- More like the Antichrist.
1074
01:10:01,475 --> 01:10:02,908
Sorry.
1075
01:10:03,143 --> 01:10:06,340
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
1076
01:10:07,280 --> 01:10:10,340
You know, in a cruel, twisted way...
1077
01:10:10,617 --> 01:10:13,142
...you give couples a second chance.
1078
01:10:13,420 --> 01:10:14,853
You're a closet romantic.
1079
01:10:15,655 --> 01:10:18,453
- I don't know about that.
- You are.
1080
01:10:19,126 --> 01:10:21,253
You know you have to
confront this girl, Alexis.
1081
01:10:22,028 --> 01:10:23,495
I can't.
1082
01:10:25,031 --> 01:10:26,020
I can't.
1083
01:10:26,266 --> 01:10:28,962
If you don't do this,
she will never take you seriously.
1084
01:10:29,202 --> 01:10:32,103
You need to march up there
and tell her how you feel.
1085
01:10:32,839 --> 01:10:34,431
Alexis.
1086
01:10:36,643 --> 01:10:38,838
Alexis, it's Tank.
1087
01:10:39,279 --> 01:10:40,644
Yeah.
1088
01:10:43,950 --> 01:10:45,850
I'm just gonna say this.
I'm gonna say it.
1089
01:10:46,086 --> 01:10:49,453
If you value this, us, we...
1090
01:10:49,689 --> 01:10:53,489
...then you will let me take you
on a proper date.
1091
01:10:53,727 --> 01:10:55,490
- In public.
- It's 2 a.m. In the morning.
1092
01:10:55,729 --> 01:10:57,492
Can we do the proper date
another time?
1093
01:11:01,301 --> 01:11:02,700
- Tomorrow.
- Yes.
1094
01:11:02,936 --> 01:11:04,426
Proper date. In public.
1095
01:11:05,105 --> 01:11:06,094
- Get some...
- Good night.
1096
01:11:06,339 --> 01:11:08,500
- Good night.
- Nice shirt.
1097
01:11:25,725 --> 01:11:27,124
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
1098
01:11:30,831 --> 01:11:32,890
This is for you.
Have to have a corsage.
1099
01:11:33,133 --> 01:11:35,328
Oh, my God.
1100
01:11:35,569 --> 01:11:38,868
- You gotta be kidding me.
- No, I'm not.
1101
01:11:40,006 --> 01:11:42,065
I never went to prom.
1102
01:11:42,309 --> 01:11:43,936
I remember.
1103
01:11:46,746 --> 01:11:48,771
Oh, yeah, that's right.
1104
01:11:55,789 --> 01:11:58,451
She's got a shank. You might
wanna actually focus on her.
1105
01:11:58,625 --> 01:12:01,788
- They're with me, okay? Thanks.
- Alexis, this is Hilary, our chaperon.
1106
01:12:02,028 --> 01:12:04,519
- Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
1107
01:12:05,332 --> 01:12:06,299
Thank you.
1108
01:12:07,868 --> 01:12:09,130
You two kids have fun.
1109
01:12:14,074 --> 01:12:16,042
I'm having fun.
1110
01:12:16,276 --> 01:12:20,007
Let's set the stage here.
You're 17 years old.
1111
01:12:20,247 --> 01:12:23,045
As you make the mistake of
heading out onto the dance floor...
1112
01:12:23,283 --> 01:12:25,342
...a fine, young chap
stops you on your way...
1113
01:12:25,619 --> 01:12:28,315
Strikingly handsome. Some
would say ruggedly good-looking.
1114
01:12:28,588 --> 01:12:31,489
He stops you and says, "Excuse me,
would you care to dance?"
1115
01:12:31,725 --> 01:12:34,626
- Don't tell me you dance.
- Me?
1116
01:12:34,861 --> 01:12:35,885
Never.
1117
01:12:38,865 --> 01:12:40,992
Oh, my God.
1118
01:12:41,935 --> 01:12:44,768
- Oh, my God.
- That's it. That's all I've got, really.
1119
01:12:50,610 --> 01:12:51,736
No way.
1120
01:12:57,050 --> 01:12:58,039
For you.
1121
01:12:59,185 --> 01:13:00,812
- Let's go.
- No, I can't...
1122
01:13:01,087 --> 01:13:04,818
You're making this embarrassing-
myself-to-be-cute thing really difficult.
1123
01:13:05,058 --> 01:13:06,457
Look at this, check it out.
1124
01:13:08,995 --> 01:13:12,556
- Did you see that little move?
- I saw it. I wanna see more over here.
1125
01:13:39,426 --> 01:13:40,450
I got caught up.
1126
01:14:05,018 --> 01:14:07,111
- Hi.
- Hey.
1127
01:14:31,544 --> 01:14:32,875
Hey.
1128
01:14:37,217 --> 01:14:38,707
Fun, huh?
1129
01:14:38,985 --> 01:14:40,282
Yeah.
1130
01:14:44,391 --> 01:14:46,825
You know you could have
any girl out there, right?
1131
01:14:47,927 --> 01:14:50,919
Hey, dude, look at me.
1132
01:14:51,164 --> 01:14:52,358
Look at this.
1133
01:14:52,599 --> 01:14:54,464
It's not about
what you look like, man.
1134
01:14:54,701 --> 01:14:55,759
It's right here, okay?
1135
01:14:56,002 --> 01:14:59,301
It's attitude, it's how you look at them.
Pretend you don't give a shit...
1136
01:14:59,539 --> 01:15:02,975
...they will be on you like acne.
Guaranteed or your money back.
1137
01:15:04,077 --> 01:15:08,514
So, then, like, why have you been
such a kiss-ass to your girl all night?
1138
01:15:08,748 --> 01:15:10,739
Pulling out chairs,
throwing out compliments.
1139
01:15:10,984 --> 01:15:15,250
I'm on a different plan. You're on a...
What you... What l...
1140
01:15:15,522 --> 01:15:17,888
"Can I wipe your ass, baby?"
1141
01:15:18,291 --> 01:15:21,590
I was trying to help you, but fuck you.
1142
01:15:21,828 --> 01:15:23,056
Fuck you, you hypocrite.
1143
01:15:23,296 --> 01:15:25,856
"Hey nerd, let me give you
some condescending advice."
1144
01:15:26,099 --> 01:15:27,157
Be cruel to women?
1145
01:15:27,400 --> 01:15:29,027
Fat, pathetic, sad dork.
1146
01:15:29,269 --> 01:15:32,238
- Old man at a high-school prom.
- Husky bitch.
1147
01:15:35,275 --> 01:15:38,108
Don't get ahead of yourself here.
And I'm just curious...
1148
01:15:38,344 --> 01:15:40,642
...but are you seeing anybody?
- No.
1149
01:15:40,880 --> 01:15:42,575
No?
1150
01:15:42,782 --> 01:15:44,841
- Are you?
- No.
1151
01:15:45,151 --> 01:15:47,551
What about that awkward night
with that guy?
1152
01:15:47,787 --> 01:15:48,913
You still calling him?
1153
01:15:49,422 --> 01:15:51,583
He kind of disappeared.
1154
01:15:52,158 --> 01:15:53,921
I haven't heard from him since he quit.
1155
01:15:54,160 --> 01:15:56,560
Maybe you could call him. You know?
1156
01:15:56,796 --> 01:15:59,287
See how he's holding up kind of thing.
1157
01:15:59,766 --> 01:16:01,996
- What?
- Or don't.
1158
01:16:02,235 --> 01:16:04,795
It's... It's your choice.
I mean, I'm just saying...
1159
01:16:05,038 --> 01:16:08,064
- No, I know. It's sweet.
- Polite.
1160
01:16:09,242 --> 01:16:13,008
Even if it is a part of your whole show
that you've got going on tonight.
1161
01:16:13,346 --> 01:16:15,940
You're pulling out all the stops.
1162
01:16:16,516 --> 01:16:19,314
Sweet Tank.
Sweet Tank is way into me.
1163
01:16:23,790 --> 01:16:26,418
You know what, though?
You're right. I should call him.
1164
01:16:28,761 --> 01:16:30,661
I should call him.
1165
01:16:35,869 --> 01:16:37,393
I think I'll say good night.
1166
01:16:37,637 --> 01:16:39,628
- Yes, I will be going.
- Wait, what?
1167
01:16:39,873 --> 01:16:41,306
Good night.
1168
01:16:42,275 --> 01:16:44,175
I got what I wanted. A real first date.
1169
01:16:44,410 --> 01:16:47,038
Although this may be the worst
possible time to admit it...
1170
01:16:47,280 --> 01:16:50,340
...l'm not good at the no-sex thing.
So I'll see you later.
1171
01:16:50,617 --> 01:16:53,142
Hey, if you insist on celibacy...
1172
01:16:53,419 --> 01:16:56,252
...do you think we can have
our second official date on July 7?
1173
01:16:56,489 --> 01:16:58,184
Because my sister is getting married.
1174
01:16:58,424 --> 01:17:01,291
And it would be great...
1175
01:17:01,561 --> 01:17:03,791
...if you'd come with me.
1176
01:17:04,531 --> 01:17:06,931
Yes, I can do that.
But I'm gonna walk away...
1177
01:17:07,167 --> 01:17:09,362
...because...
- You're missing out.
1178
01:17:10,503 --> 01:17:12,994
After a while, crocodile.
1179
01:17:19,479 --> 01:17:22,209
You know, it was really cool
of you to call, Alexis.
1180
01:17:22,448 --> 01:17:25,417
Lunch, wedding errands.
Just like old times, huh?
1181
01:17:25,685 --> 01:17:28,654
I haven't seen you since I took
my leave of absence from work.
1182
01:17:28,922 --> 01:17:30,355
Yeah, I heard you quit.
1183
01:17:30,623 --> 01:17:34,115
Oh, no, no, no, I just...
I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical.
1184
01:17:34,360 --> 01:17:36,260
I just wanted to do
some soul-searching.
1185
01:17:44,070 --> 01:17:46,937
- My sister picked it out.
- Well, you should thank her.
1186
01:17:47,173 --> 01:17:50,040
- The whole world should thank her.
- Well, you're welcome.
1187
01:17:50,276 --> 01:17:52,676
- Speaking of the devil.
- Oh, my gosh.
1188
01:17:52,912 --> 01:17:54,846
I love it. I love it so much.
1189
01:17:55,081 --> 01:17:57,072
This is my friend, Dustin.
This is my sister.
1190
01:17:57,317 --> 01:17:58,443
- Oh, hi.
- No. Get over here.
1191
01:17:58,718 --> 01:18:00,447
- What?
- Congratulations.
1192
01:18:00,720 --> 01:18:02,915
Alexis will not shut up about you,
the wedding...
1193
01:18:03,156 --> 01:18:05,522
That was really smart.
That was so smart, yeah.
1194
01:18:05,758 --> 01:18:07,817
See, I brought mine too. Hi.
1195
01:18:08,061 --> 01:18:12,327
It's really the only opinion
that means anything these days.
1196
01:18:12,565 --> 01:18:13,623
Oh, my gosh.
1197
01:18:14,434 --> 01:18:16,629
You have to see my dress.
Great, now.
1198
01:18:19,906 --> 01:18:21,771
- Yeah, I did it when...
- Alexis, I'm sorry.
1199
01:18:22,008 --> 01:18:24,670
I'm the...
I'm the dress-shopping gay pal?
1200
01:18:24,911 --> 01:18:27,471
I just think that now's
not the time to set her straight.
1201
01:18:27,714 --> 01:18:29,272
She's a little crazy, she's manic.
1202
01:18:29,515 --> 01:18:31,847
I get that we're in slow-down mode...
1203
01:18:32,118 --> 01:18:34,211
...but I'm not gonna, like,
meet your parents...
1204
01:18:34,487 --> 01:18:37,888
...under the pretext of the gay friend.
I mean, that's ridic...
1205
01:18:38,124 --> 01:18:41,491
What? No, I don't mean "meet
your parents" meet your parents.
1206
01:18:41,728 --> 01:18:44,788
I just mean at the wedding,
I'm sure I'll casually bump into them...
1207
01:18:45,031 --> 01:18:47,226
- That's... What?
- I'm sorry, excuse me one second.
1208
01:18:47,467 --> 01:18:49,128
- Dustin, you need to...
- What? What?
1209
01:18:49,369 --> 01:18:52,167
Yeah, what? What is it? What?
Is something wrong?
1210
01:18:52,405 --> 01:18:56,034
- Do you not want me to come?
- You've got it all...
1211
01:18:56,276 --> 01:18:59,768
- You... You don't want me to...?
- Wrong.
1212
01:19:00,013 --> 01:19:02,447
Yeah, no. No.
1213
01:19:02,682 --> 01:19:05,014
- Totally. You know what? Sorry.
- Dustin, I have to...
1214
01:19:05,285 --> 01:19:07,879
- That was presumptuous.
- Promise me you won't be upset...
1215
01:19:08,154 --> 01:19:10,418
...if I tell you something.
- Yeah, what?
1216
01:19:10,957 --> 01:19:12,857
I'm seeing somebody.
1217
01:19:13,092 --> 01:19:17,426
And so I asked him
to come with me to the wedding.
1218
01:19:19,932 --> 01:19:21,524
- You're... You're upset.
- No. What?
1219
01:19:22,502 --> 01:19:24,732
Upset? No. Why would I be upset?
1220
01:19:25,071 --> 01:19:27,096
Come on. That's crazy.
1221
01:19:27,340 --> 01:19:30,741
Like I'm a guy that gets upset.
Come on. More like happy.
1222
01:19:30,977 --> 01:19:33,275
You know? I'm happy that...
That, you know.
1223
01:19:33,513 --> 01:19:36,676
- That you found someone special.
- It still feels a little short.
1224
01:19:36,916 --> 01:19:38,611
I still think that if you put the...
1225
01:19:38,885 --> 01:19:40,614
- So, dish.
- I just wanna make sure my...
1226
01:19:40,887 --> 01:19:42,548
Who is he?
1227
01:19:42,822 --> 01:19:46,724
Yeah, I think that's too much shoe.
1228
01:19:48,194 --> 01:19:51,630
Man-ischewitz, Sherman,
look at you.
1229
01:19:51,864 --> 01:19:54,094
You remind me of me
on my wedding day.
1230
01:19:54,334 --> 01:19:57,565
I was one nasty son of a bitch.
1231
01:19:58,871 --> 01:20:01,840
- Dad, why did Mom marry you?
- Who makes this tux? Versace?
1232
01:20:02,075 --> 01:20:04,635
- Pop, come on. Fess up. Dad.
- Where'd you get this tux?
1233
01:20:04,877 --> 01:20:07,744
- The black on black.
- Come on, Dad, really.
1234
01:20:10,116 --> 01:20:11,913
Your mother was
an incredible woman...
1235
01:20:12,185 --> 01:20:15,916
...but she had awful judgment.
1236
01:20:16,155 --> 01:20:18,589
She was always trying to
find the better man inside me.
1237
01:20:18,858 --> 01:20:23,022
Unfortunately, she found him
inside of her psychotherapist, Janine.
1238
01:20:23,529 --> 01:20:24,496
Not good.
1239
01:20:24,731 --> 01:20:28,565
See, I always knew that your mom was
the best it was ever gonna get for me.
1240
01:20:28,801 --> 01:20:31,793
And I never asked the more
important question, which is:
1241
01:20:32,038 --> 01:20:34,131
Was I the best it was
ever gonna get for her?
1242
01:20:38,745 --> 01:20:40,337
You're not so bad, Pop.
1243
01:20:43,950 --> 01:20:46,919
I'm a fraud, Sherman. Yeah.
1244
01:20:47,153 --> 01:20:49,417
And I'm a selfish asshole.
1245
01:20:55,995 --> 01:20:57,895
And so are you.
1246
01:20:58,865 --> 01:21:01,095
So I want you to get out there...
1247
01:21:02,568 --> 01:21:04,866
...and I want you to revel in it.
1248
01:21:26,058 --> 01:21:27,923
- Oh, my God.
- Hi.
1249
01:21:28,161 --> 01:21:30,152
- You are hot as a pistol.
- You look handsome.
1250
01:21:30,396 --> 01:21:33,297
- No, you. I am very...
- I am so impressed with you.
1251
01:21:33,533 --> 01:21:35,728
...impressed. You look beautiful.
1252
01:21:36,335 --> 01:21:39,202
- Do you like the red lipstick?
- I wanna do you right here.
1253
01:21:39,439 --> 01:21:41,464
Okay, I gotta go... Josh.
1254
01:21:41,707 --> 01:21:45,199
My future brother-in-law. Josh,
I want you to meet my boyfriend, Tank.
1255
01:21:45,445 --> 01:21:47,174
Hey, Josh. I'll be your groom...
1256
01:21:47,413 --> 01:21:50,007
...in today's performance of
Fuck Me, I'm Getting Married.
1257
01:21:50,249 --> 01:21:53,116
Okay, well, I'm gonna go
tame Bridezilla.
1258
01:21:53,386 --> 01:21:56,514
- You want me to come? Lex?
- No, I'll look out for him. All right?
1259
01:21:56,789 --> 01:21:59,257
- Just breathe for a second, all right?
- I am breathing.
1260
01:21:59,525 --> 01:22:00,685
Now adapt.
1261
01:22:00,927 --> 01:22:02,258
- Are we adapting?
- Yeah.
1262
01:22:02,495 --> 01:22:04,224
Are we ready to evolve?
1263
01:22:04,464 --> 01:22:07,126
You let fly one word
about our arrangement...
1264
01:22:07,366 --> 01:22:09,391
...I will crush your nuts into butter.
1265
01:22:09,635 --> 01:22:12,502
Like the kind at the health-food store,
but not so good for you.
1266
01:22:12,738 --> 01:22:14,933
But... But, but...
1267
01:22:15,408 --> 01:22:18,809
...you play ball, I will plant your flag
right next to mine. All right?
1268
01:22:19,045 --> 01:22:21,673
I will make you family.
And believe me, Tank...
1269
01:22:21,914 --> 01:22:24,212
...you wanna be family.
1270
01:22:25,351 --> 01:22:27,216
- Money.
- Jesus Christ.
1271
01:22:27,453 --> 01:22:29,717
Like, "money" money.
1272
01:22:29,956 --> 01:22:32,390
Old money, new money,
fuck-me money, fuck-you money.
1273
01:22:32,625 --> 01:22:33,956
Family money, money.
1274
01:22:34,193 --> 01:22:37,253
Okay, yeah.
Josh, you got me all wrong.
1275
01:22:37,497 --> 01:22:40,660
No. I know exactly
who you are, all right?
1276
01:22:40,900 --> 01:22:43,664
It's Alexis who's got you all wrong.
1277
01:22:43,903 --> 01:22:46,463
Let's do what we do, brother.
Hey, Merrilee.
1278
01:22:47,206 --> 01:22:49,470
- Brian.
- Now, I've told you, fella...
1279
01:22:49,709 --> 01:22:51,836
...from here on out,
it's strictly Mom and Dad.
1280
01:22:52,078 --> 01:22:54,911
I'd like to introduce you to
your next son-in-law, Tank Turner.
1281
01:22:55,147 --> 01:22:56,774
This is Alexis' guy.
1282
01:22:57,016 --> 01:23:00,213
- I've heard so much about you.
- That is unfortunate.
1283
01:23:00,486 --> 01:23:02,181
Forget it all.
1284
01:23:02,455 --> 01:23:04,047
- Tank.
- Hi.
1285
01:23:07,426 --> 01:23:10,884
Tank Turner is an asshole.
1286
01:23:11,497 --> 01:23:14,466
- You brought Satan to my wedding?
- Well, he's changed.
1287
01:23:14,700 --> 01:23:16,759
Or he's going to change.
Or he's changing.
1288
01:23:17,003 --> 01:23:18,129
No.
1289
01:23:18,371 --> 01:23:20,862
I'm sorry, but that is not enough.
1290
01:23:21,107 --> 01:23:23,803
Okay, maybe he's this fun vacation
on the dark side...
1291
01:23:24,043 --> 01:23:26,534
Rachel, Rachel, Rachel,
I'm falling in love with him.
1292
01:23:27,046 --> 01:23:28,377
What?
1293
01:23:29,515 --> 01:23:31,073
I love him.
1294
01:23:40,927 --> 01:23:43,293
- Hey, so...
- So many things that I want...
1295
01:23:43,529 --> 01:23:45,258
Oh, come here.
1296
01:23:50,703 --> 01:23:55,037
- I gotta go. I'm going. I'm leaving.
- Go.
1297
01:24:15,728 --> 01:24:18,492
Are you the best
it's ever gonna get for her?
1298
01:24:29,675 --> 01:24:31,165
Are you?
1299
01:25:46,252 --> 01:25:49,653
If anyone here can show just cause
why these two should not be joined...
1300
01:25:49,922 --> 01:25:54,950
...let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.
1301
01:25:55,261 --> 01:25:56,990
White dress.
1302
01:25:57,763 --> 01:26:00,027
Chick's seen more dick than this guy.
1303
01:26:01,333 --> 01:26:02,994
Ridonculous.
1304
01:26:08,274 --> 01:26:12,768
I've been wanting to come over here
because I was reminded of a joke.
1305
01:26:13,479 --> 01:26:16,710
A priest and a Rabbi are at a wedding.
Who knew?
1306
01:26:17,283 --> 01:26:21,242
And they see a small boy
bending over to tie his shoe.
1307
01:26:21,520 --> 01:26:23,647
So the priest says to the Rabbi:
1308
01:26:23,923 --> 01:26:25,982
"God, I'd really love to screw that kid."
1309
01:26:26,258 --> 01:26:29,819
And then the Rabbi says,
"Out of what?"
1310
01:26:31,797 --> 01:26:34,664
It's a visual thing,
because the kid is basically like this.
1311
01:26:34,900 --> 01:26:36,026
He's bending over.
1312
01:26:38,304 --> 01:26:39,999
Dirty Houdini. You gotta try this.
1313
01:26:40,239 --> 01:26:43,800
While you're giving it
to your lady from behind, okay?
1314
01:26:44,043 --> 01:26:45,806
Very important.
You gotta be behind her.
1315
01:26:46,045 --> 01:26:48,309
Start making some sounds
like you're gonna bust...
1316
01:26:48,547 --> 01:26:49,673
...then you pull out.
1317
01:26:49,915 --> 01:26:53,112
As you pull out, you let a little dribble
of saliva trickle down...
1318
01:26:53,385 --> 01:26:56,411
...onto the small of her back.
She thinks it's over, she flips over:
1319
01:26:56,689 --> 01:26:58,020
"Good, I can go to sleep."
1320
01:26:58,257 --> 01:27:00,487
Fireman's hose. All over.
1321
01:27:05,097 --> 01:27:06,997
- I don't get it.
- You don't get it?
1322
01:27:07,233 --> 01:27:10,259
Here's what you're gonna do.
Go ask your mom. Right there. Pound.
1323
01:27:16,742 --> 01:27:17,902
Ready, and wow.
1324
01:27:19,345 --> 01:27:21,279
It's like lifting a coffin.
1325
01:27:22,715 --> 01:27:25,309
Oh, Nana. You have a lead vagina.
1326
01:27:30,122 --> 01:27:31,953
Hello? Yeah, I can talk.
1327
01:27:37,429 --> 01:27:39,556
- You weren't gonna drink.
- Can't have a glass...
1328
01:27:39,799 --> 01:27:41,357
...to celebrate the holy sacrament?
1329
01:27:41,600 --> 01:27:43,693
- Is that J? Germeister I smell?
- I don't know.
1330
01:27:43,936 --> 01:27:45,699
Wine, huh?
1331
01:27:47,640 --> 01:27:49,198
- No.
- Don't get into any trouble.
1332
01:27:49,441 --> 01:27:52,069
- I'm don't-ing. I'm don't-ing.
- Don't get into any trouble.
1333
01:28:00,920 --> 01:28:03,184
For their first dance
as a married couple...
1334
01:28:03,422 --> 01:28:07,916
...l'd like to present to you
Rachel and Josh.
1335
01:28:20,372 --> 01:28:21,430
Sorry.
1336
01:28:22,374 --> 01:28:24,205
Can I have this dance?
1337
01:28:24,443 --> 01:28:25,671
Not a good time? Okay.
1338
01:28:25,911 --> 01:28:30,371
Sorry, everybody. This is their night.
I'll clean that up. It's the chicken.
1339
01:28:31,417 --> 01:28:33,282
The bride and groom.
1340
01:28:39,558 --> 01:28:42,459
I'm gonna grab these. Clean.
I washed them after I threw up.
1341
01:28:42,695 --> 01:28:45,425
How are you? There's
a lot of talent here tonight, okay?
1342
01:28:45,664 --> 01:28:49,395
Lookit, lookit that one right over there.
Check out the lungs on that one.
1343
01:28:49,835 --> 01:28:52,326
That's Rachel's cousin. She's 15.
1344
01:28:52,571 --> 01:28:54,664
She's gonna be a scuba diver
when she grows up.
1345
01:28:54,907 --> 01:28:56,898
Not that you don't have
some stuff going on.
1346
01:28:57,142 --> 01:28:59,576
I'd part you like the Red Sea
and let you call me Moses.
1347
01:28:59,812 --> 01:29:02,280
I would open you up like
a public pool on Memorial Day.
1348
01:29:02,514 --> 01:29:04,379
Three words:
1349
01:29:04,650 --> 01:29:06,117
Let's eat.
1350
01:29:06,819 --> 01:29:08,719
It's okay, I got the sleeve. I caught it.
1351
01:29:08,954 --> 01:29:11,422
Usually they come in twos
and threes, so that's...
1352
01:29:14,126 --> 01:29:16,594
Cocaine, you know,
just kind of gets me sneezy.
1353
01:29:16,829 --> 01:29:19,855
And you, by the way, look lovely.
I just wanted to...
1354
01:29:20,099 --> 01:29:22,693
...say a hello to you.
1355
01:29:27,072 --> 01:29:28,562
All right.
1356
01:29:33,345 --> 01:29:35,779
Weddings get me hot and hard,
know what I'm saying?
1357
01:29:36,015 --> 01:29:37,642
What do you got going on?
1358
01:29:37,883 --> 01:29:40,351
I want that in my fucking mouth.
1359
01:29:43,789 --> 01:29:45,586
When's the last time
you shit your pants?
1360
01:29:45,824 --> 01:29:48,554
- Today. Today.
- You shit your pants today?
1361
01:29:48,794 --> 01:29:51,854
- I shit my pants yesterday.
- Today!
1362
01:29:52,097 --> 01:29:54,895
- Me, today.
- Just a little. But not a whole shit.
1363
01:29:55,134 --> 01:29:58,934
Hey. Hey, Alexis sent me
to look for you, so let's go.
1364
01:29:59,338 --> 01:30:01,829
Let me just take a snapshot
of you in my mind right now.
1365
01:30:02,074 --> 01:30:04,770
Gross. Fuck, I can
smell you from here, dude.
1366
01:30:05,010 --> 01:30:08,377
- How drunk are you right now?
- I had massive amounts of alcohol.
1367
01:30:08,614 --> 01:30:11,208
I'm embarrassed.
But I'm sobering up now...
1368
01:30:11,450 --> 01:30:13,384
...and I feel better.
Having a little chat.
1369
01:30:13,619 --> 01:30:17,020
With my friend.
Taking a breather. Breathing.
1370
01:30:18,991 --> 01:30:21,687
Fucking goddamn it.
What do you call that shit, A.J.?
1371
01:30:21,927 --> 01:30:24,452
Afghani-Kush Kryptonite.
1372
01:30:24,697 --> 01:30:28,030
Kryptonite. It killed Superman.
I'm just a man.
1373
01:30:28,267 --> 01:30:31,498
You really are, like, a super
special kind of asshole, aren't you?
1374
01:30:31,737 --> 01:30:33,637
I ride the special-kind-of-asshole bus.
1375
01:30:33,872 --> 01:30:35,965
- Do you really?
- All right. Okay.
1376
01:30:36,775 --> 01:30:38,834
- One more bite.
- What are you doing?
1377
01:30:39,078 --> 01:30:41,569
Alexis is gonna freak out
when she sees this.
1378
01:30:41,814 --> 01:30:42,940
- No she won't.
- Yeah. Yeah.
1379
01:30:43,182 --> 01:30:44,945
- She's understanding.
- Oh, my God, dude.
1380
01:30:45,217 --> 01:30:48,186
- She's never gonna forgive you.
- All right. I'm coming. I'm coming.
1381
01:30:50,255 --> 01:30:51,688
- What a day.
- Yeah.
1382
01:30:53,158 --> 01:30:55,524
May I partake?
1383
01:30:56,128 --> 01:30:59,120
My daughter got married today.
1384
01:30:59,365 --> 01:31:02,823
- Wonderful.
- Oh, God, I feel old.
1385
01:31:03,068 --> 01:31:08,506
I bet back in the day, you were
one hot slice of fuckberry pie.
1386
01:31:11,844 --> 01:31:15,507
You bet your sweet ass I was.
1387
01:31:17,116 --> 01:31:20,244
Hey. I love your shoes.
1388
01:31:21,120 --> 01:31:23,088
So are we gonna do this or what?
1389
01:31:25,391 --> 01:31:26,585
Come on, it's not gonna
suck itself, Mama.
1390
01:31:27,693 --> 01:31:29,718
Oh, my God.
1391
01:31:29,962 --> 01:31:32,123
Who is this guy?
1392
01:31:33,932 --> 01:31:36,332
And he's ruining my entire wedding.
1393
01:31:36,568 --> 01:31:39,662
He ruined my dance,
my actual dance.
1394
01:31:39,905 --> 01:31:43,170
No, it's ruined.
And... Why did you bring him here?
1395
01:31:43,409 --> 01:31:45,172
It's disgusting.
1396
01:31:47,079 --> 01:31:50,537
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
1397
01:31:50,783 --> 01:31:53,650
- Are you kidding me?
- He really...?
1398
01:31:56,422 --> 01:31:59,186
I got a bass-ackward way of
showing it, but I care about you.
1399
01:31:59,425 --> 01:32:02,155
Tank. Tank! How could you?!
1400
01:32:02,761 --> 01:32:05,423
My ex, Sarah. Cunt.
1401
01:32:07,066 --> 01:32:09,193
Oh, no. You're not gonna
walk away from me.
1402
01:32:09,435 --> 01:32:11,232
You're gonna talk to me.
This is insane.
1403
01:32:11,470 --> 01:32:13,529
Who is that person, huh?
Who is that guy?
1404
01:32:13,772 --> 01:32:16,297
This is me. I'm an asshole.
1405
01:32:16,542 --> 01:32:19,204
You had your chance with a good guy
and you threw it away.
1406
01:32:19,445 --> 01:32:20,707
- Who?
- Dustin.
1407
01:32:20,946 --> 01:32:23,972
- You have no right to tell me...
- No, Dustin. Dustin's here.
1408
01:32:24,216 --> 01:32:26,184
Dustin. Dustin?
1409
01:32:26,452 --> 01:32:27,544
- Dustin?
- Be careful.
1410
01:32:27,820 --> 01:32:29,583
Tank!
1411
01:32:39,798 --> 01:32:41,356
It's time you all knew the truth.
1412
01:32:41,600 --> 01:32:44,501
Would you stop? If I go down,
you're coming with me, okay?
1413
01:32:44,736 --> 01:32:48,866
Okay? So I'm sure every...
1414
01:32:49,775 --> 01:32:50,742
Don't touch.
1415
01:32:52,144 --> 01:32:55,079
I would like to share something
with you about Mr. Tank Turner.
1416
01:32:55,314 --> 01:32:58,078
Surely by now he's charmed his way
into your hearts... Stop.
1417
01:32:58,350 --> 01:33:01,319
Charmed his way into your hearts
but I've got something to tell you.
1418
01:33:01,587 --> 01:33:03,384
Tank Turner is a fraud.
1419
01:33:03,622 --> 01:33:05,419
Okay? Why don't you
take a walk with me?
1420
01:33:05,657 --> 01:33:08,524
- Hey! Come with me, okay?
- Dustin.
1421
01:33:08,760 --> 01:33:11,285
Would you guys like to know
what this man...? Excuse me.
1422
01:33:11,530 --> 01:33:13,828
- What this man does as a hobby?
- Stop.
1423
01:33:14,066 --> 01:33:16,933
- You stop! You stop! Okay?
- Please.
1424
01:33:17,169 --> 01:33:18,136
- Hold on.
- I'm sorry.
1425
01:33:18,370 --> 01:33:21,931
Let's say, for example...
1426
01:33:22,174 --> 01:33:25,541
...I get dumped by my girl.
1427
01:33:25,777 --> 01:33:30,111
And I want to pay him
to go out with her...
1428
01:33:30,349 --> 01:33:32,613
- Oh, boy.
...terrorize her...
1429
01:33:32,885 --> 01:33:36,821
...and have her come screaming back
into my arms.
1430
01:33:37,089 --> 01:33:39,387
So your Mr. Perfect...
1431
01:33:39,625 --> 01:33:40,853
Your Mr. Perfect...
1432
01:33:41,093 --> 01:33:47,191
...is actually Mr. Asshole-
Dickhead-Shitface-Guy, okay?
1433
01:33:48,267 --> 01:33:52,328
Alexis, l... l...
I loved you so much.
1434
01:33:52,571 --> 01:33:57,201
I did. And I just,
I couldn't bear to lose you...
1435
01:33:57,442 --> 01:34:02,004
...and so I made a deal
with the devil.
1436
01:34:02,247 --> 01:34:06,047
That's what I did. Which is pathetic.
1437
01:34:06,318 --> 01:34:07,751
- I'm a pathetic fool.
- Yeah, okay.
1438
01:34:08,020 --> 01:34:11,319
- But... But what does that make him?
- Okay, stop. Stop it.
1439
01:34:11,557 --> 01:34:14,253
Just tell me this isn't true.
1440
01:34:16,895 --> 01:34:18,760
Ask him.
1441
01:34:19,865 --> 01:34:21,298
- Baby, sorry.
- You make me sick.
1442
01:34:21,533 --> 01:34:24,627
- Ask him.
- I hate you.
1443
01:34:26,104 --> 01:34:27,799
- Ask him.
- I'm gonna kill you!
1444
01:34:28,040 --> 01:34:29,871
I'm gonna kill you!
1445
01:34:30,108 --> 01:34:32,474
- I work on referrals.
- Okay.
1446
01:34:33,779 --> 01:34:36,339
You're honestly gonna tell me...
1447
01:34:37,482 --> 01:34:41,384
...that you and I, that's nothing?
1448
01:34:41,920 --> 01:34:43,615
That's nothing?
1449
01:34:45,657 --> 01:34:47,921
I'm just a job?
1450
01:34:48,927 --> 01:34:53,091
I need you to tell me.
Tank, tell me right now...
1451
01:34:53,332 --> 01:34:55,323
...that I'm just a job.
1452
01:34:55,567 --> 01:34:59,333
- Tell me to my face.
- You're just a job.
1453
01:35:04,476 --> 01:35:06,341
Just a job.
1454
01:35:06,578 --> 01:35:09,342
I never wanna see you again.
1455
01:35:10,382 --> 01:35:11,940
Yeah.
1456
01:35:12,184 --> 01:35:14,448
Alexis. Alexis.
1457
01:35:14,720 --> 01:35:16,620
I'm gonna kill you!
1458
01:35:46,518 --> 01:35:48,418
Motherfucker.
1459
01:36:09,408 --> 01:36:12,036
You have one new message.
1460
01:36:13,045 --> 01:36:14,979
Dust, you were right.
1461
01:36:15,213 --> 01:36:17,272
Alexis is an angel...
1462
01:36:17,516 --> 01:36:20,349
...and she deserves the best.
1463
01:36:21,987 --> 01:36:24,114
And that's you.
So I'm sorry it took so long...
1464
01:36:24,389 --> 01:36:26,949
...but I finally did
what you hired me to do.
1465
01:36:27,192 --> 01:36:29,922
I got a bass-ackward way of
showing it, but I care about you.
1466
01:36:30,162 --> 01:36:33,131
Tank. Tank! How could you?!
1467
01:36:33,365 --> 01:36:35,890
My ex, Sarah. Cunt.
1468
01:37:09,034 --> 01:37:10,626
Did you love her?
1469
01:37:10,869 --> 01:37:13,360
Do you love her?
That's all I wanna know.
1470
01:37:14,873 --> 01:37:17,034
I don't even know what that means.
1471
01:37:17,275 --> 01:37:20,267
Yeah. Well, apparently, neither do I.
1472
01:37:20,645 --> 01:37:23,273
All I know is that me and her
ends up with her hurt.
1473
01:37:23,515 --> 01:37:24,880
It's inevitable.
1474
01:37:25,117 --> 01:37:27,642
Turners and women, right, Pop?
1475
01:37:27,919 --> 01:37:29,216
Yeah.
1476
01:37:31,390 --> 01:37:33,654
I banged a lot of women, Sherman.
1477
01:37:34,393 --> 01:37:36,293
I've been banging
since back in the day...
1478
01:37:36,528 --> 01:37:39,053
...when you were
laminating pictures of them.
1479
01:37:39,297 --> 01:37:41,390
So, yeah, that's me.
1480
01:37:42,033 --> 01:37:45,002
That's this guy, but that ain't you.
No.
1481
01:37:45,237 --> 01:37:48,638
Last night, you proved something
that I have long feared.
1482
01:37:48,874 --> 01:37:50,432
And that is...
1483
01:37:50,675 --> 01:37:52,836
...you may just
take after your mother.
1484
01:37:54,713 --> 01:37:58,444
Yeah, I can't believe you actually
tried to give Alexis up for me.
1485
01:37:59,050 --> 01:38:00,176
I know, dude.
1486
01:38:00,452 --> 01:38:02,317
- That's pretty fucked up, right?
- Yeah.
1487
01:38:02,554 --> 01:38:04,579
I mean, if that's not love...
1488
01:38:05,424 --> 01:38:07,358
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
1489
01:38:07,893 --> 01:38:10,953
I'm sorry. I'm the guy who...
1490
01:38:12,564 --> 01:38:14,464
You were my best friend.
1491
01:38:15,133 --> 01:38:16,760
I still am.
1492
01:38:18,570 --> 01:38:20,629
You guys gonna make out now, huh?
1493
01:38:20,872 --> 01:38:23,739
Go ahead, stick your tongue
in his mouth. That'll clear the air.
1494
01:38:26,745 --> 01:38:28,178
How about a...?
1495
01:38:35,554 --> 01:38:39,684
Look, I know I kind of lost it for a while,
but now I'm seeing things clearly.
1496
01:38:39,925 --> 01:38:41,859
You need to get her back.
1497
01:38:43,995 --> 01:38:45,986
- But I don't deserve her.
- No, you... Tank.
1498
01:38:46,231 --> 01:38:48,699
If you were willing to give her up,
you deserve her.
1499
01:38:49,067 --> 01:38:51,501
That's fucked up, but you're right.
1500
01:38:54,005 --> 01:38:56,200
She's my angel
and it's time she knew.
1501
01:38:56,441 --> 01:38:58,306
Yes. So, what's stopping you?
1502
01:38:58,477 --> 01:39:00,342
I propositioned her mother
for a blowjob.
1503
01:39:01,780 --> 01:39:04,374
Man, that is great.
1504
01:39:04,616 --> 01:39:07,084
That is so great. Yes.
1505
01:39:07,986 --> 01:39:10,784
Alexis! Alexis, wait.
1506
01:39:11,022 --> 01:39:12,455
Alexis.
1507
01:39:12,691 --> 01:39:14,454
Just hear me out, all right? Listen.
1508
01:39:14,693 --> 01:39:17,423
Nope. Nope. Nope.
1509
01:39:17,662 --> 01:39:18,993
I did it for you.
1510
01:39:19,231 --> 01:39:21,791
I pushed you away because
I thought I didn't deserve you.
1511
01:39:22,033 --> 01:39:25,434
- You don't.
- So I made a mistake.
1512
01:39:25,670 --> 01:39:28,195
- Many.
- I know.
1513
01:39:28,440 --> 01:39:30,601
- I will never do better than you.
- I know.
1514
01:39:30,842 --> 01:39:32,776
- I need you in my life.
- I know.
1515
01:39:33,011 --> 01:39:35,844
- And I wanna apologize.
- I don't want it.
1516
01:39:36,081 --> 01:39:38,515
Good, because it's not for you.
1517
01:39:38,783 --> 01:39:41,479
I wanna apologize to myself.
1518
01:39:41,753 --> 01:39:45,189
I'm sorry, Tank,
that you blew it with Alexis.
1519
01:39:45,457 --> 01:39:47,755
- But you did.
- Because I thought you deserved...
1520
01:39:47,993 --> 01:39:49,358
...someone better than me.
1521
01:39:49,594 --> 01:39:53,291
But when I'm with you,
it's like I'm better than me.
1522
01:39:53,765 --> 01:39:57,496
You're the only person that could ever
make me do cardio. And I hate cardio.
1523
01:39:57,736 --> 01:40:01,194
I wanna faint, I want a cigarette
and I have a massive cramp.
1524
01:40:01,439 --> 01:40:03,703
But I would run a marathon for you.
1525
01:40:09,381 --> 01:40:11,440
- Okay.
- Fuck me.
1526
01:40:11,683 --> 01:40:13,651
You ruined my sister's wedding.
1527
01:40:13,919 --> 01:40:17,082
But I saved her life.
That guy was a fucking fuckface.
1528
01:40:17,355 --> 01:40:21,348
- You curse incessantly.
- I will never swear again.
1529
01:40:21,626 --> 01:40:23,059
Fuck. Last one.
1530
01:40:23,328 --> 01:40:26,661
- My parents hate you.
- Well, they'll come around.
1531
01:40:26,898 --> 01:40:28,160
Except your mother.
1532
01:40:28,400 --> 01:40:29,389
And your dad.
1533
01:40:29,634 --> 01:40:32,467
- Your job is a joke.
- A joke? I sell air.
1534
01:40:32,704 --> 01:40:34,069
I do the impossible every day.
1535
01:40:34,306 --> 01:40:36,001
Have you ever even read a book?
1536
01:40:36,241 --> 01:40:37,902
The Giving Tree.
1537
01:40:38,343 --> 01:40:40,903
- And...?
- Among others. Countless others.
1538
01:40:41,146 --> 01:40:43,944
- Tank.
- I'll join a book club.
1539
01:40:44,683 --> 01:40:47,379
What's the matter?
You can't keep up?
1540
01:40:48,453 --> 01:40:51,616
You are not passionate
about anything.
1541
01:40:51,856 --> 01:40:55,223
Except you. I'm passionate about you.
As evidence, consider the fact...
1542
01:40:55,460 --> 01:40:57,587
...that I've been running
for two goddamn hours.
1543
01:40:57,829 --> 01:41:00,024
- I need to stop and rest.
- You sabotage dates.
1544
01:41:00,265 --> 01:41:02,529
You're a professional asshole.
That's what you do.
1545
01:41:02,767 --> 01:41:05,964
No. It's what I did.
1546
01:41:06,738 --> 01:41:09,866
Tank, I just don't think
you're the one.
1547
01:41:12,978 --> 01:41:16,004
Not yet, but I'll get there.
1548
01:41:28,126 --> 01:41:29,423
You okay?
1549
01:42:42,634 --> 01:42:45,535
Without air, we cannot live.
1550
01:42:47,072 --> 01:42:49,063
I think those words resonate
with people...
1551
01:42:49,307 --> 01:42:53,004
...because they're really true,
you know?
1552
01:42:58,383 --> 01:42:59,714
What?
1553
01:43:00,752 --> 01:43:02,777
I thought... I thought that was a joke.
1554
01:43:03,321 --> 01:43:07,485
- It wasn't. What are you talking about?
- Nothing.
1555
01:43:07,726 --> 01:43:09,057
Air?
1556
01:43:09,294 --> 01:43:12,263
Because I don't really think
there's anything funny about air.
1557
01:43:12,497 --> 01:43:14,397
It's kind of too important.
1558
01:43:24,876 --> 01:43:26,434
Asshole.
1559
01:43:29,781 --> 01:43:30,748
- Hi.
- Hi.
1560
01:43:30,982 --> 01:43:31,949
- I'm Alexis.
- Hi.
1561
01:43:32,217 --> 01:43:34,651
Do you wanna know what
this guy did? He humiliated me.
1562
01:43:34,886 --> 01:43:36,877
- He embarrassed me. He literally...
- Alexis.
1563
01:43:37,155 --> 01:43:38,247
I'm having a conversation.
1564
01:43:38,523 --> 01:43:41,822
I'm having a conversation.
It's with her, it's not with you.
1565
01:43:42,827 --> 01:43:44,954
What this guy did to me
makes me sick every day.
1566
01:43:45,196 --> 01:43:46,788
Physically ill.
1567
01:43:47,031 --> 01:43:49,431
But is that like lovesickness
or like hatesickness?
1568
01:43:49,667 --> 01:43:51,862
- No, it's like morning sickness.
- What?
1569
01:43:53,271 --> 01:43:56,536
Yeah, I'm pregnant, okay?
So I'm sorry.
1570
01:43:57,308 --> 01:43:59,435
It makes me a little emotional.
1571
01:43:59,677 --> 01:44:02,908
- You're pregnant?
- Yes, I'm fucking pregnant!
1572
01:44:03,148 --> 01:44:04,877
I probably should go.
1573
01:44:05,116 --> 01:44:06,583
But how? It's...
1574
01:44:07,886 --> 01:44:09,717
How do you think?
1575
01:44:09,954 --> 01:44:11,285
That's right, everybody.
1576
01:44:11,523 --> 01:44:15,619
This asshole got me pregnant.
1577
01:44:16,261 --> 01:44:19,788
- I definitely think I should go.
- Okay, I didn't know. I didn't know.
1578
01:44:20,031 --> 01:44:21,328
If you think that's bad...
1579
01:44:21,566 --> 01:44:23,761
...you should hear what this guy
did to my sister.
1580
01:44:24,002 --> 01:44:28,439
- Alexis, I've apologized a million times.
- He got her pregnant too.
1581
01:44:29,174 --> 01:44:31,802
So there's two of us
having a baby together...
1582
01:44:32,043 --> 01:44:35,376
...about three and a half weeks
apart.
1583
01:44:35,613 --> 01:44:37,137
- Yeah.
- It was dark, I was drunk...
1584
01:44:37,382 --> 01:44:38,815
...and I thought it was you.
1585
01:44:39,050 --> 01:44:40,517
Right?
1586
01:44:44,556 --> 01:44:47,491
I'm gonna go now.
It was nice meeting you.
1587
01:44:47,725 --> 01:44:49,955
Yeah, nice to meet you too.
1588
01:44:51,496 --> 01:44:52,622
What's going on here?
1589
01:44:53,731 --> 01:44:55,926
Oh, I'm just saving another girl...
1590
01:44:56,167 --> 01:44:58,863
...from the worst sex
she'll ever have in her life.
1591
01:45:03,608 --> 01:45:05,974
Well, your mother never complained.
1592
01:45:07,946 --> 01:45:11,211
You wanna know why
I didn't return your e-mails?
1593
01:45:11,916 --> 01:45:13,406
Your pathetic calls?
1594
01:45:14,752 --> 01:45:18,085
You are unattractive. I said it.
1595
01:45:19,991 --> 01:45:22,118
I'm not attractive.
Well, let's put it this way.
1596
01:45:22,360 --> 01:45:25,523
I would kick your ass right now,
but my foot might get sucked in.
1597
01:45:27,532 --> 01:45:31,832
I'd kick your dick right now,
but my foot might get herpes.
1598
01:45:32,637 --> 01:45:35,333
Well, you know, you can
stop trying to be clever, Alexis.
1599
01:45:35,573 --> 01:45:39,100
The funniest thing that'll ever
come out of you is me.
1600
01:45:39,577 --> 01:45:41,636
All right, Tank.
1601
01:45:41,880 --> 01:45:44,212
You got the best joke here.
1602
01:45:45,316 --> 01:45:46,977
And it's in your pants.
1603
01:45:57,896 --> 01:45:59,830
- I hate you.
- I hate you too.
1604
01:46:00,064 --> 01:46:01,793
Oh, baby.
121871
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