All language subtitles for Mom 8x01 - Sex Bucket and the Grammar Police

- How you doing over there?
- I'm good.

- Really good.
- Good.

Is it weird that I'm good?

No, it's good that you're good.

Good. Well, I'm good.

Every mom dreams of
the day when they drop

their 42-year-old daughter off
at the airport to go to school.

And I did it all by myself.

Hey, I'm here.

- Oh, not the dropping off, the raising.
- Oh.

I mean, I wasn't there the whole time.

But I was definitely
there for the beginning.

In and out during the middle,
and rock-solid from age 37 on,

you know, the formative years.

You have a lot to be proud of.

Damn right. Georgetown Law School

on a full scholarship.

Phew. Lot of parents would be
in a puddle of tears right now,

but you know what I think of them?

Selfish.

Not me, 'cause I'm focusing
on what she's gonna get,

not what I'm gonna lose.

Which is the most beautiful little girl

a mother could ever have.

And this is why I drove.

Oh, please. You're gonna cry, too.

Am not.

The Father's Day card
she gave you last year?

Why would you do that to me?

'Cause you miss her as much as I do.

I-I do!

You want to go back and
watch the plane take off?

- I do!
- Okay.

- Bonnie, alcoholic.
- Hi, Bonnie.

Well, it's been a month since
Adam and I became empty-nesters,

and we are loving it.

We learn something new
about each other every day.

And we learn a lot about Christy, too.

Apparently, she was the one
vacuuming the living room.

And another thing we learned about her,

she doesn't understand time zones.

She's smart enough to get
a scholarship to law school,

but she can't grasp the
fact that her 7:00 a.m.

is my 4:00 a.m.

She's constantly waking me up
'cause she can't subtract three.

Well, my fault.

I should've taken her to
kindergarten once in a while.

Yeah, she's in law school. She's fine.

That's it. Thanks.

Now that Christy's gone,

would you like me to roll my eyes

a little bit more while you share?

- Tammy?
- Tammy, alcoholic.

Hi, Tammy.

Uh, it's my birthday tomorrow.

Uh, not a sober one, a
squeezing out of the womb one.

Normally, I love my
birthday, but not this year.

My dad tracked me down from
prison and sent me a card

saying he's gonna call me tomorrow.

What am I supposed to do with that?

The man killed my mom.

I haven't talked to him since I was 14.

And I don't want to talk to him now.

I know this program is
about second chances,

but does that mean I
have to give him one?

I mean... I don't know.

I'm totally spinning
out over what to do.

Thanks.

Well, now I feel bad for sharing about

how my Jacuzzi's not bubbly enough.

You know, there's a place
where you can get free hot wings

- on your birthday.
- Nice.

Yeah, they give you a
free wing for every year.

It's the only time I'm
honest about my age.

Wow, it is a mess over here.

I know. Christy really did a lot
more cleaning than we thought.

Yeah, well, I'll pick up the slack.

Great. She used to do the coffee urn.

Oh, on it.

Oh, I think we
should throw this one away

and start over.

Girls, don't forget Tammy's
surprise dinner tomorrow.

Get there by 7:00 and
park the car around the corner.

Good. You're as excited as I am.

I'm gonna throw Tammy

a surprise slumber party
tomorrow night at my house.

- Love it.
- Sounds good.

Bonnie, you know I've
been planning a dinner.

- But my idea's better.
- Kind of is.

I've been working on this for weeks.

Well, I'm sorry, but she told me

she really wanted a slumber party.

When did she say that?

When she was 14.

But I'm sure it's still true.

- Oh, damn it.
- What's up?

I accidentally got
"It's a Girl!" balloons.

Well, Tammy is a girl.

I'm sorry, I know you don't like
me to look on the bright side.

I really want to keep Tammy's
mind off her dad calling.

This party has to be perfect,
and I messed up the decorations.

Or you did that on purpose
so, when Jill gets here,

she takes over and
does everything for you.

Look, I didn't marry you
so you could get to know me.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, hey, Adam, are you staying

for the ladies-only party
that's only for ladies?

No, Gus and I are going fishing.

That's code for drinking beer in a cabin

and not fishing at all.

- She's not wrong. Mwah.
- Have fun.

Come on, Gus.

He doesn't even own a rod.

I'm gonna pick one
up at the liquor store!

So...

Am I seeing your decorations
in their entirety?

No. I got baby shower balloons.

Mm-hmm, taking over.

Mm-hmm, letting you.

What's this?

It's the cake you asked me to bring.

But it's from the grocery store.

I thought you'd bake something.

And I thought we'd be at
a nice dinner right now.

Guess we were both wrong.

We don't just go to bed, right?

Don't look at me.

My gosh, did none of you ever go

to a slumber party when you were kids?

Foster care. No friends.

I was strung out on horse.

Oh. Well, lucky for you,

I was extremely popular and
I will guide you through it.

There is an ebb and
flow to a slumber party,

not unlike a poem or a good massage.

She's here. Big smiles.

Not the pageant one, Jill, the real one.

Hey. Remember what you
wanted for your 14th birthday?

- A case of beer?
- No.

- Curly hair? True love?
- No.

No. A slumber party. And here it is!

Surprise!

Oh, my God, you guys. This is amazing!

Look at the flowers and balloons.

And a sign with my name on it.

Oh, there's no way this
could possibly be better.

Unless we had a homemade cake.

Never have I ever

faked a toothache just to get nitrous.

Oh.

So, I drink if I've done it?

Yes.

We've been playing this
game for half an hour.

How is this still a question for you?

The sentence structure
is very confusing.

It should really just
be "have you ever."

Well, normally, you'd
play this game drunk,

so grammar doesn't matter.

Okay, let me try one.

I have never, ever, never...

Oy.

- had sex in a church.
- Mm.

Wait, it was a bris.
Do synagogues count?

How about an Amish
guy at a barn raising?

Any place where God is defiled.

Hey, didn't you have sex at a funeral?

I did, but it was at the cemetery.

Thanks for remembering, though.

You go, Bonnie.

Oh, good luck finding
something you haven't done.

Never have I ever eaten cat treats

because I was curious.

I knew it!

- Tammy, go.
- No, no, I want to go again.

Never have I ever

killed something I was
supposed to be taking care of.

I forgot to water your
ficus. Get over it.

All 73 of your cats were
still alive, weren't they?

What'd you kill, someone's buzz?

- No. A man.
- TAMMY, BONNIE AND MARJORIE: What?

Wait, did this just
segue into Murder Mystery?

Because I did not authorize that.

Last week, I had two patients in the ER

and only one ICU bed.

I advocated for one guy over the other,

so the doctor took him first.

By the time we found a bed,

the other patient had died.

Oh, sweetie, that's not your fault.

You're a nurse. You have to prioritize

based on who needs it more.

But I'm not sure I did.

The other guy was rude to me.

I'm worried that I was playing God.

No. You just have a really tough job.

You didn't kill anybody. My dad,

- on the other hand...
- New game. New game, Jill.

Yeah. Okay. This one's my favorite.

Tammy, you breathe really fast
until you get light-headed,

and the rest of us will push
on your chest till you pass out.

It's called Pass Out.

As a medical professional,

I am not sure I can allow this.

As a sober person, I don't
think it's a good idea.

Aw. I can't drink. I can't do drugs.

Now I can't even have people
cut off my air supply for fun?

Damn it.

All right, ladies,
welcome to Sex Bucket.

This contains the names

of the men from our Wednesday meeting.

When it is your turn,
you will pick two names

and choose the one
you would sleep with.

- Oh!
- Ah.

- Birthday girl?
- Ooh, all right.

Let's see.

Vigorous Handshake Dave...

versus

Paul the Veteran.

- Ooh.
- Ooh, that's tricky. Oh.

I choose Paul. Don't love the beard,

but thank you for your service.

- Okay. My turn, my turn.
- Okay.

All righty.

- Angry Mark the Meditation Teacher...
- Uh-huh.

Or Tight Jeans Tom.

Hmm. Oh, I don't know.

Just pick one.

I prefer Tom,

but there's a lot of self-adjusting.

This isn't real.

That doesn't mean it
couldn't lead to something.

Okay, part of what makes
this game fun is pace.

Marjorie, go.

I don't want to play this game.

If we as women want to be treated

with respect and dignity,

we shouldn't be sitting
here objectifying men.

We're only objectifying the hot ones.

Well done. You ruined Sex Bucket.

Next game, Jill.

All right. Truth or Dare.

Love it! I'll go first. Dare.

I have one.

Hello.

I would like to buy
one packet of condoms...

Your smallest size...

And every flavor of Slim Jim.

And also, I would like to tell you this.

♪ You make me feel ♪

♪ You make me feel like ♪

♪ A natural ♪

♪ Woman ♪

♪ Woman! ♪

All right, ring it up.
Let's end this nightmare.

All right, you can take it off now.

Oh, God.

- Is that your dad?
- No, it's this guy

who works at Home Depot...
He likes to talk dirty to me.

Hey, Steve. I got to call you back.

No, you're a whore. Gotta go.

Okay, Jill, your turn. Truth or dare?

Um, truth, please.

How many times a week
do you and Andy have sex?

12 to 15.

- Oh, my God! Seriously?
- You lie!

I don't even have sex 12 times a year.

You could at least
pretend to be surprised.

Wait. Don't you get bored?

Nah. We mix it up with
toys and role play.

My favorite is "upscale
Realtor at a very open house."

Mmm.

My mom was a Realtor.

She used to let me stick
the signs in the lawn.

I'd forgotten about that.

Nice work, Jill.

How was I supposed to know?

Pillow fight!

Whoa!

Whoa. Whoa.

What's wrong with you?

What do you mean? She was whaling on me!

Yeah, but you really crossed a line.

We don't hit our
elders. They're brittle.

You know what? Screw you guys.

Don't worry, it's not a slumber party

till somebody cries.

Well, this party just went off a cliff.

No, it's okay.

This is the part where we pick sides.

We're not 12. We're not picking sides.

I'm gonna go check on Bonnie.

I'll check on Marjorie.

Well, we just picked sides, but okay.

Bonnie makes me angry
in a way no one else can.

Maybe I hit her too
hard with the pillow,

but a woman can only take so much.

Marjorie, it isn't safe
to eat raw cookie dough.

Seriously?

You're worried about cookie dough?

I used to huff bug spray.

I'm sorry that tonight got messed up.

I just wanted to keep
your mind off your dad.

It did. A little.

Not at all.

But I appreciate it.

I honestly don't know what
I'm gonna do if he calls.

Well, whatever you decide,
I got your back.

- And I got yours.
- Good. 'Cause what do you want to bet

Marjorie's out there talking
smack about me right now?

No, she's not.

Yes, she is.

Sorry, I've been spying on both sides.

- Well, come on in.
- Okay.

This is really turning out to be a
great slumber party. I was worried

without wine coolers and boys
sneaking in, it was gonna suck.

Well, I'm beginning
to think that getting

a bunch of alcoholics
together to act like teenagers

was a bad idea.

So what now?

Well, Bonnie's got to go out there

and beg for Marjorie's forgiveness,

and then when Marjorie goes to sleep,

we have to put her hand in
hot water so she pees herself.

Your call, big sauce.

Well, that's pretty immature.

- I love it.
- Aah!

Oops. I'm sorry.

- What's going on?
- I'm calling an Uber and going home.

Pissed off and leaving early?

For women who have never
been to a slumber party,

you're sure checking all the boxes.

Oh, come on.

Can't we just let this
go and have some fun?

How about you dare
me to go to Jiffy Lube

and say I didn't know it was for cars?

Tammy, I'll bake you a cake tomorrow

and we'll celebrate.

Actually, I think I'm gonna go, too.

Maybe we should just call it a night.

We haven't even talked anybody
into cutting their hair yet.

Nobody is going anywhere.

Hey! I don't want to hear it, Bonnie.

What is wrong with you?

Why are you being
such a grouchy, grumpy,

grocery-store-cake-buying sourpuss?

My doctor told me

that I have something
wrong with my heart.

I love you so much.

You have to live forever.

Put your meat sticks down.
Marjorie needs a heart transplant.

No. It's nothing like that.

I need a stent
put in my existing heart.

- Oh, my God.
- That's so awful.

But still, that was no excuse
for hitting you like that.

Bonnie, I'm sorry.

I guess I just didn't
realize how afraid I am.

I forgive you. And I
won't make you pee yourself

when you fall asleep.

- What?
- What?

Why didn't you tell us?

'Cause it's Tammy's birthday...
I didn't want to ruin it.

Honestly, there's no ruining it.

I've been freaked out
myself all night long.

Every time my phone makes
a noise, my heart stops.

Sorry, Marjorie.

New game.

It's okay, Jill... That ship has sailed.

Nope. This one's called Fear Bucket.

I just made it up.

Ah. These were for Pictionary,
but I'm gonna pivot.

Write down your deepest fears,

and we are gonna set 'em on
fire so they lose their power.

Be honest.

And they can't all be: "I'm
afraid Marjorie's gonna die."

"I'm afraid of making a mistake at work

and hurting someone."

"I'm afraid

"if I don't take my dad's
call, I'm gonna regret it,

"and I'm afraid if I answer the call,

I'll be betraying my mother."

"I'm afraid Andy and I
are having so much sex

because we have nothing to talk about."

"I'm afraid I'm not going to get to see

my granddaughter grow up."

"I'm afraid of spiders."

"I'm afraid the people in this group

don't know how much I love them."

Aw...

Shut up. I meant to write spiders.

Is it just me, or is this the
best game we've played all night?

- I loved it.
- Absolutely. - Absolutely.

We should put some
hot dogs on them fears.

It's him. I still don't know what to do.

Got your back.

Hello?

Yes, I'll accept the call.

Yeah. Hi.

Well, I wasn't gonna,

but here I am.

So...

what's new with you?

Really? I'm sober, too.

Yeah, almost three years, yeah.

Wow, that's a long time.

Good for you.

Look, um...

I'm with my friends, so I can't
really talk right now, but...

Thank you for
remembering my birthday.

Okay, bye.

My back is gonna
hate me in the morning.

My left ass cheek is totally numb.

We may be too old to sleep on the floor.

Why does Marjorie get the couch?

Because she's dying.

I'm not dying and I'm not deaf.

Although lately I've been having trouble

in noisy restaurants.

Guys, it's almost 4:00 a.m.

We've got to go to sleep.

Jill's right. We're gonna
be so cranky in the morning.

Thanks for the best
birthday ever, you guys.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Good night. - Night.
- Good night.

Unbelievable.

Hi, Christy.

No. I'm up.

How's it going, honey?