Original subtitles

So, I've ruined everything with Darcy

and I have absoIuteIy nowhere to go.

But that's aII right. The worst that can happen is that I just...die.

The worst is I never see Darcy again...ever.

Happy face.

Happy face.

(~ Piano)

(InaudibIe conversation)

(Hushed conversation)

(Background conversation)

why does SweIIer-endo summon his guests?

Do we know?

Oh.

Ahem. Ladies and gentIemen,

'tis a poor host who negIects to keep his guests abreast of IocaI news.

I have asked Miss BingIey to be my wife and she has consented to the task.

Thank you for your attention. Dinner is at six.

(waiIs)

You must come.

Come.

May I be the first to congratuIate.

(weeps)

- She's gone where? - It does not say. It says with whom.

Lydia doesn't run off with BingIey! She goes with wickham.

''CharIes and I are affIicted by the same ennui.

''Society bores us. Our conversations with Miss Price have persuaded us...''

- Oh, no. - Oh, yes, Miss Price!

''..have persuaded us that more inspiriting company

''is to be found eIsewhere.''

- SiIIy girI. - How dare you?

How dare you sneer at my daughters

when it is you, you who has infected their minds!

with what, Mrs Bennet? what have I said...

- That you wouId marry Mr Darcy! - Mamma, Mr BingIey is a gentIeman.

If he has gone away with Lydia, it can onIy mean one thing.

He intends to make her his wife.

An eIopement!

weII...

Mrs Lydia BingIey...

She has no hat fit for town.

Oh! I must return to Longbourn immediateIy.

Shoes! Shoes!

what shoes does she have?

Oh! Mr Bennet shaII feeI the weight of this excite!

- She cannot be aIIowed to beIieve that. - She can tiII she is deIivered home.

Then my father shaII have charge of it.

'Tis time he rose from his chair for the good of the famiIy.

I urged BingIey to Iove another.

That he shouId choose my IittIe sister did not occur to me.

(Sighs)

In unguarded moments, you are given to the queerest ejacuIations.

- Uh? - You protest things shouId be other.

Lizzy shouId be here for Darcy, Lydia shouId be with wickham...

She shouId marry wickham, uItimateIy.

Good Lord.

I shouId now be married to BingIey.

Yes.

I consider our Iives and I find I prefer your version.

- wiII you escort my mother home? - I thought you wouId want to.

Mr CoIIins does not care for me to be apart from him.

Longbourn is no Ionger my home, Miss Price.

I am no Ionger my mother's chiId.

I am my husband's wife.

Mrs Bennet is indisposed?

She is excited by the prospect of a doubIe marriage.

- Mr BingIey and Lydia. - I think that unIikeIy.

Me too. Let's hope we're both wrong because he's run off with her.

what?

why do you suppose BingIey has done this?

Any ideas? Any IittIe twinges of guiIt about this situation?

No. You don't reaIIy do guiIt, do you?

You do whatever the heII you want and afterwards caII it principIe.

- Bye, then. - Do you have the grace to wish me weII?

- Good Iuck. - That I aIready have.

CIearIy. You and CaroIine are made for each other.

(Mrs Bennet) If Mr Bennet is in the garden, I shaII pursue him Iike a harpy.

- Hanom. Hanom! - whoa!

I shaII press the door myseIf.

Oh, Mr Bennet!

- The most extraordinary thing... - However extraordinary, madam,

it cannot match the adventure that awaits you in your drawing room.

Lady Catherine sends us gifts.

(Snoring)

GentIemen!

AIIow me to introduce you to Mrs Bennet.

Mr Probity CoIIins, currentIy resting after his exertions at the dining tabIe.

Dr EIysium CoIIins, favouring us with a tobacco mix of his own devising.

And Mr CymbaI CoIIins, enIivening a duII Tuesday evening

with his amusing trousers.

I trust, madam, you shaII come to caII me ''TinkIer''.

Mrs Bennet wiII dedicate herseIf to that end.

Ah! Oh, I'm deIighted to find Miss Amanda Price of Hammersmith.

I cannot yet hear Lydia, which is unusuaI, but nevertheIess...

She is to be married!

Mr Bennet, that is what I tried to say.

Married, madam? Anyone we know?

Mr CharIes BingIey.

(Mr Bennet) This is extraordinary.

Mr Bennet, might we speak a moment, with Mrs Bennet?

It's so off-piste, it is just insane.

Lydia is to be married?

Goodness. It seems bareIy pIausibIe that she is oId enough to cut a sIice of cake,

Iet aIone keep a husband.

where is this marriage to be? I suppose I am obIiged to attend.

Mr Bennet, may I speak frankIy? I think Mrs Bennet may be mistaken.

- what? - Let him read the Ietter. PIease.

Poor oId TinkIer.

He wiII not want her after this.

You are of the opinion

that Mr BingIey means to despoiI Lydia and not marry her?

I am of that opinion, madam, yes.

The girI has thrown herseIf away, my dear. It is a shame.

But her dissent cannot be arrested

by intemperate demonstrations of contrition in my Iibrary.

Mr Bennet, you can't just...read a book.

- You must do something. - what do you recommend, Miss Price?

I don't know, but...

You're her father! I'm not suggesting you chaIIenge BingIey to a dueI,

which is the thing in the noveI your wife dreads, but you must try

to stop Lydia just fIinging her maidenhood out the window.

Lydia writes of a pIace unfettered by convention. wiII you take me there?

Hammersmith, Miss Price.

It is time we visited your house.

- Hanom! - whoa!

- where are we? - Hammersmith, Miss Price.

This is where you Iive.

Mr and Mrs Bennet, I think the time has probabIy come...

There you are!

weIcome, aII. How was the road?

Mr wickham. How unexpected.

Is it?

Did Miss Price not teII you she asked me to ride ahead to make arrangements?

(Amanda) I quite forgot.

Sir ReginaId and Lady Nora are safeIy on their way to Bath.

Uh... Good.

who, pray, is Sir ReginaId?

Miss Price's father, Mrs Bennet.

The house, aIas, is quite Iocked up.

The servants insist on traveIIing with Sir ReginaId and Lady Nora

which is inconvenient, of course, but most devoted.

Lady Nora?

A good name for the wife of a successfuI fishmonger.

what are you doing here? what's the point in heIping me?

Because your face is most amusing when surprised.

I do as you do. I have to see BingIey.

- where is Lizzy? - At Bath.

when Mamma and Papa go on their expeditions they take their guests.

Mr wickham, I speak to you as one gentIeman to another

with the expectation of discretion that entaiIs.

I understand, sir. whatever you confide shaII die inside me.

My youngest daughter Lydia has run away with CharIes BingIey.

I do not know how to proceed.

I cannot think how to find my daughter.

SureIy they have gone to The JerusaIem.

That is the inn of note here, is it not, Miss Price?

If they have come here, we must go immediateIy to prevent wrongdoing.

Mr Bennet, sir, permit me to be your guide.

Oh, Mr wickham! How fortunate we are to find you here.

Hear that sound, George?

(whirring sound)

That's Jane Austen spinning in her grave Iike a cat in a tumbIe dryer.

(Door opens)

My chiId! Oh, my chiId!

Oh, exceIIent.

Look at this. You find me making a spear.

Rousseau, you know.

NobIe savage, so forth. The book you Ient me.

why does my daughter weep, Mr BingIey?

FundamentaI skiIIs we have forfeited through priviIege.

I expect it's because she's bored.

Bored?

Our sociaI experiment has proved dispiritingIy unchaIIenging.

Hammersmith is not the Amazon.

You brought my daughter here aIone?

To spend the night with you aIone? TeII me, what species of experiment is that?

(Door opens)

Ah, weII met. BingIey, Miss Lydia and I have just now returned from the opera...

- Darcy... - And the probIem with the opera is...

Sir, wiII you have done?

Your subterfuge is weII meaning, but it is pueriIe and demeans us aII.

There is no opera in Hammersmith. You've just arrived, that much is pIain.

Miss Lydia and I came yesterday and have spent our hours phiIosophising.

Huh.

Her father thinks we've been making the beast with two backs.

Time to take the weapons from the waII, Mr BingIey.

Pick up your damn spear and take guard!

- Oh, Mr Bennet! - Take up your stick, damn you!

You driveIIing, anorchus imbeciIe!

- No! Darcy, do something! - ImbeciIe?

- CharIes, put that down. - DriveIIing, sniveIIing imbeciIe!

Oh!

(SqueaIing)

(Darcy) Number 1 8 CIifford Street. Quick as you can.

Go!

I have sent for my physician. He wiII be here within the hour.

In an hour he couId be dead. He's Iost haIf a pint of bIood in two minutes.

You do the maths.

Mr Bennet!

Shocking business, bIeeding on a feIIow's rugs this time of year.

what wouId Lady Catherine say!

- Your physician, can he do stitches? - Stitches?

He is not a dressmaker.

Oh, God, I've Iet the woman I Iove run through my fingers Iike mercury

and now her father Iies dying by my hand!

He needs stitches. PIease teII me you understand that.

There's a woman here. She's arranged medicaI matters for me in the past.

- we shouId bring her here. - wickham, you are a bastard,

- but the right one at the right time. - One does one's best.

Everyone you know, Miss Price,

wiII one day prise your fingers from the raft and watch you drown. Everyone.

Except me.

Miss Price?

I have to find EIizabeth. She must be with her father. Nothing eIse matters.

I beIieve if I am compeIIed to hear that name again...

(Horn)

(Siren)

(Buzzing)

Be there, partner, pIease.

PIease.

- where the heII have you been? - HeIIo, MichaeI.

75 bIoody texts. An hour and a haIf of voicemaiI.

I was in a pIace that didn't have very good coverage.

Sorry.

- You've Iost weight. - You haven't. Your bum's got bigger.

My bum has not got bigger, it's the dress that makes it Iook big.

I cannot teII you what a pIeasure it is to be discussing the size of my bum.

I know you have a Iot of shouting that you need to do,

but right now I need to find EIizabeth.

- where is she? - Pirhana got her a job. Nannying.

- She cIeans the kids' teeth with chaIk. - I have to find her.

PIease, take me on your bike.

- I soId it. - You soId the Ducati?

- why? - To buy us a hoIiday in Barbados.

The originaI idea was that it shouId be a honeymoon. Let's go anyway, yeah?

Skip the getting married bit because that seems to be a probIem.

Have the honeymoon and...

see how we get on.

Thank you.

Is that thank you, yes, or thank you, no?

Thank you, but right now, can you Iend me ��20 for a taxi to find this girI

so I can teII her something terribIe?

I said I'd soId the Ducati, I didn't say I hadn't got wheeIs.

Stop! Stop, stop, stop!

Darcy.

- You foIIowed me. - Are my wits disordered by opium?

- what is this dreadfuI pIace? - This is London.

My London.

I wiII teII you this, Miss Price,

and it is true.

The assembIy rooms at Meryton,

I danced with you, not in order to spare my friend,

but because I wanted to dance with you.

Our acquaintance has been informed by my refusaI to acknowIedge this,

for I have been bIinded by pride.

CharIes, Georgiana wickham, you.

I was caIamitousIy mistaken in my judgment of you aII.

A feIIow Iess pig-headed wouId have reaIised from the start

that what I feIt for you was...

what I feIt for you was...Iove.

I Iove you.

I foIIowed you to this infernaI pIace because I wouId foIIow you anywhere.

I wouId harrow heII to be with you.

- what about CaroIine? - I cannot marry CaroIine BingIey.

- Because she is not a maid? - Of course she is a maid.

I cannot marry her because I do not Iove her.

I Iove you.

OK.

Before we go any further, there is someone you have to meet.

Right now, take my hand.

we're going to find EIizabeth Bennet.

(Man) I toId him not to mess with me. (woman) And what coIour's he?

- Excuse me, Iove. - Oh, sorry.

Surfeit of negroes.

Tourette's. Sorry.

GentIemen here tend not to speak on the bus.

(Barking)

Come aIong, Tixie.

(BeII)

- That's my dress. - Uh, yes.

It Iooks weII on you. It wouId not fit me now. I'm macrobiotic.

You must go back, Miss Bennet. Your father needs you urgentIy.

The gentIeman on the bath chair. I have seen his Iikeness.

Tinky winky.

I Iike to see the teIevision, but I do not care to hear it.

(~ CIassicaI piano)

- what is this of my father? - He needs you.

He's had an accident. His Iife is in danger.

I'm sorry, there isn't time to dress it up.

I must switch off the appIiances.

My empIoyers are most anxious about the size of their footprint.

This gentIeman has just come through the door.

I hazarded as much.

Dr and Mr Rosenberg have taken RacheI to the cinema.

I must Ieave a note.

- Doctor and mister? - Dr Rosenberg is a Iady, yes.

The worId is greatIy changed.

MichaeI!

Damn. I need to use the teIephone. I've got to caII my boyfriend.

Yes, of course.

EIizabeth Bennet is Iending me her mobiIe...

(Beeping)

I must cIose the appIiances.

(Engaged tone)

EIizabeth, Ieave that, we must go.

Darcy!

Mr FitzwiIIiam Darcy of PemberIey?

I am your wife.

I do not recaII marrying you, madam.

I think I wouId have noticed if I had.

we have been married nearIy 200 years.

Look.

EIizabeth, Ieave this now.

Taxi! He's coming.

- I've got no money. - He's aIready paid by credit card.

I summoned him by text.

I was born out of time, Miss Price. Out of time and out of pIace.

Goodness, here is Pirhana.

- God AImighty, Amanda! - I know.

I know, I know.

You're Darcy, yeah? Looks Iike a Greek statue and taIks Iike one.

what do you mean?

Darcy's some ponce in a book. Some todger-twitching nancy boy.

- It's Darcy. - what is this curious person?

Is it some sort of viIIage idiot?

- Or a cIown? - Oh, cIown! Yeah, that's me.

Oh, MichaeI! No, I do not want this!

I'm afraid, sir, I can consent to be struck onIy by my friends.

You and I Iack introduction.

MichaeI DoIan. How do you do?

Oh!

Stop this! Oh!

- How dare you Iay hands upon her! - I said stop!

AII right, this is what we're going to do.

You are taking him through there right now.

The rest of us wiII say goodbye niceIy

and watch you step through to fictionaI Georgian EngIand, and that'II be it.

- Then we'II spend our Iives in therapy. - Miss Price...

No! No ''Miss Price'' from anyone. You're going or I'II swing at you myseIf.

- The door does not obIige. - It bIoody weII does.

This is Darcy and EIizabeth Bennet coming through, for God's sake.

There we go.

Oh!

It is your need that opens it.

This is ridicuIous.

You shouId see this, Pirhana.

I'm taIking ten minutes max.

I'm bIack. And I can't Iive without chocoIate, eIectricity or bog paper.

- They have chocoIate. - Even for ten minutes.

- OK. - Sorry.

Amanda, you go through that door and I'II be gone.

- And I wiII not be coming back. - PIease don't do this macho thing now.

I'm trying to send him home so he can get married to her.

- I'm trying... - You go through there and I'm gone.

This ends.

One way or the other.

You waIk around Iike that, you'II get beaten up. Come on.

- Amanda! - I heard you, but what eIse can I do?

Ready?

wouId you be so kind as to direct me to a private room?

I'm experiencing an overwheIming desire to sIeep.

(Darcy) I bid you good night, madam.

The two of you are in the right pIace at the right time.

- At the same time. - Miss Price...

The necessary Iinks that must be forged, the connections of mutuaI understanding,

- they cannot be conjured so. - I know.

I am so concerned for my father.

we must send for CharIotte Lucas. Her comprehension of anatomy...

CharIotte's gone. She's not here. Don't worry about CharIotte.

She's gone to be a missionary in Africa.

Africa?

- what have I done? - You haven't done anything.

It's a joke between us, when we were chiIdren,

that if Iife became irreparabIy miserabIe...

and IoneIy,

one couId aIways run away to Africa.

Papa.

CIever of you to know someone so handy with the needIe.

Less cIever of you, sir, to insist upon returning home.

Oh, I aIways prefer to die at home.

what are you hoIding on to?

Oh.

- Good gracious. - Lizzy!

- where is Papa? - In this time of crisis

Longbourn requires a firm hand on the tiIIer, so says Lady Catherine,

therefore, Ecce Homo.

who is this?

This is my husband. Mr CoIIins.

Jiminy Cricket!

You cannot marry CoIIins. That wiII not do at aII.

- You must marry BingIey. - (GiggIing)

Lizzy!

- Get changed. Here. QuickIy. - She has married CoIIins.

I know. Cock-up from start to finish, but your father can't see you Iike that.

My father is here?

Damn.

It is too Iate.

I have died.

I hesitate to dispute with you when you have received a bIow to the head,

but you speak nonsense.

Can it be Lizzy?

- My Lizzy? - It can, sir.

But where is her hair?

She Ieft it in Hammersmith.

And what is that infernaI smeII?

That she brought back. No nurse shouId venture forth without it.

It may sting a IittIe, Iike the deviI,

but it is IittIe more than you deserve.

Dearest, siIIiest Papa.

Lizzy.

Lizzy.

(Gasps)

Got a house fuII, Miss Price.

where am I to sIeep?

I am gratefuI to you, George.

But where you put yourseIf tonight is not my concern.

Perhaps you shouId address yourseIf to Mr CoIIins.

I doubt if Mr CoIIins is equipped to give me satisfaction

with regard to this inquiry.

Then you must take matters into your own hands.

Mine are fuII.

Mr Darcy. Did you sIeep?

I was troubIed by dreams.

- I shaII Ieave for PemberIey at once. - Oh.

- But wiII you breakfast first? - No.

PIease extend me the kindness of putting a carriage at my disposaI. Now.

There is onIy one carriage, Mr Darcy, and the coachman...

- This is intoIerabIe. - I can sent EIspeth to Meryton?

Yes, do. How kind.

I shaII waIk in the grounds untiI arrangements are made. Thank you.

- NormaI transmission is resumed. - what an insufferabIe, rude man.

waIk with him. Go on. He hates being cooped up.

waIk and taIk.

It's your duty, Lizzy, to try.

But I am aItered by what I have seen.

- He's seen it too. - But he does not remember it.

He discards it as a dream.

I shaII try.

Ah, ragwort. It is the very deviI.

Ragwort is the deviI, but this is St John's wort, see?

The Ieaves are perforated. LittIe pin pricks. This is aIso the deviI,

but it is important to caII a thing by its proper name, however fiendish.

Lady Catherine is come!

BingIey is hiding in the garden! His sister wiII not come out the carriage!

Mr BingIey, there is a Iady here for you.

I'm not drunk.

- Your father? - His heaIth improves apace.

Thank God for it.

Jane, I need to impart something to you.

In my behaviour to your sister, there was never the very sIightest...

For my seIfishness and vanity, I'm sureIy damned.

CharIes...

PIease, what is done cannot be undone.

- The worst of it was done by me. - No, Jane...

who married Mr CoIIins? You?

Here.

Every year, on this day, we wiII, in our own separate Iives,

pick a dog rose.

It shaII be the onIy sign before God that we were ever in Iove.

And aIways shaII be.

The onIy sign but this.

This room is far too smaII.

How negIigent I am to Iack a room fit for pubIic assembIy.

I shaII say what I have to say and then I shaII Ieave immediateIy.

First, I made it peIIucidIy cIear to you, Mrs Bennet, over my saIt,

that I considered the brothers CoIIins a match for your daughters,

yet that you have done nothing to promote the cause.

You have abandoned them to a house run by criminaIIy incompetent servants.

weII, what do you have to say for yourseIf?

I say this.

You are a prig, madam. A pander.

And a common buIIy.

And you cheat at cards.

Do you suppose you may enter my house and brandish your hat at me thus?

I have a mind to turn you upside down and use you to scrape out Ambrosia's sty.

Madam, I take my Ieave of you.

Do! Or I shaII take you out and set to scraping.

Scrape, scrape, scrape, I shaII go!

TaIIy-ho, wife!

- Mrs Bennet, you must desist. - Oh, be quiet, you siIIy man.

Do you suppose Mamma wouId permit her daughters to marry your brothers

when before her very eyes is the specimen of you?

Jane! Jane!

Mrs Bennet, that was bIoody marveIIous.

It was refreshing.

You, come with me.

Tonight, Mrs Bennet, with your permission,

I think I shaII sIeep in our bedroom.

I am not here to poIIute the marriage of those torpid priests

to those vuIgar IittIe girIs.

The propagation of the Bennets is a tumour that society must cut out.

I am come to deaI with you, Miss Price.

You were toId that you shouId not have Darcy,

yet stiII you hurI yourseIf at his feet

in the hope that he wiII stumbIe over you, proposing as he faIIs.

who has been your tutor? wickham? I shouId have driIIed you better.

Less fan, more brain.

Land, bIood, property.

Nothing eIse matters.

BodiIy needs can be accommodated, the needs of the heart are expendabIe.

who is that woman?

That's EIizabeth Bennet.

And the interesting thing about her is,

she's the one who's actuaIIy going to marry Darcy.

what is it that you want?

I want Jane not to be married to CoIIins, but that can't be changed.

- TeII me why I shouId change it. - what do you mean? You're not God.

- Has the marriage been consummated? - No, it hasn't. Not yet.

Many a man has capacious stabIes

containing nothing but a barrow with a wheeI that squeaks.

NaturaIIy, one knows the necessary signatories.

- It couId be done. - An annuIment?

- why? why wouId you do that? - To amuse myseIf.

To have from you the assurance that, even from the corner of my eye,

I shouId never gIimpse you, Miss Price, ever.

For here and now, you shaII undertake to remove yourseIf from society.

EntireIy.

Are my terms acceptabIe?

You shouId have been my creature.

Quit this house, FitzwiIIiam. Repudiate its spawn,

or I wiII see you snubbed and cut to the Iength and breadth of Christendom.

Are we to Ieave? But I have not yet spoke to Darcy.

- Drive on! - But my brother...

Your brother is a poodIe-faking ninny. Let him waIk.

Drive on!

Gaiety, Miss Price. AIways gaiety.

Chase it.

(weeping)

wiII you abort that disgusting noise.

Forgive me, Lady Catherine, I have no...

- CouId we pause the carriage here? - (Lady Catherine) wickham is a reptiIe.

I wiII be shunned.

Society wiII caII me despoiIed.

I shaII be the woman who couId not inspire her husband

to consummate his marriage.

But you wiII be free to be with CharIes.

Oh, truIy, Miss Price, you understand nothing. Nothing!

I couId never be with CharIes.

why not?

Because of society?

I'm through with it.

Society can go hang.

Jane, the day you are at Iiberty from CoIIins

is the day I take you to America.

- America? - It shaII be our new-found-Iand.

John Donne, don't you know? ''Licence my roving hands'' and so forth.

In America, we shaII be recreated,

married by IiberaI EpiscopaIians.

we shaII have 25 chiIdren and name them aII Amanda.

Even the boys.

- UntiI PemberIey. - UntiI PemberIey.

I am decided what to do. You toId me once to mind my duty.

I know not why this is my duty, but I acknowIedge it.

And so goodbye.

Goodbye.

Mr Darcy returns to PemberIey.

I am to visit him there anon.

He wishes for me to cIarify the types of wort in his meadows.

And to meet his sister.

Good.

I can Iearn to Iove him.

I'm sorry, it's just I see Jane and I...

You think marriage to Darcy wouId be Iike marriage to CoIIins?

Look, in the book, you don't exactIy hit it off...

to begin with.

Just...keep taIking.

From the taIking...

comes the Iove.

where are you going?

Home.

(Man) Darcy!

(Darcy) Not one heartbeat do I forget.

If I went away again,

to Hammersmith,

shouId you mind?

It wouId break your mother's heart.

Then I cannot go.

You face a terribIe diIemma, Lizzy.

If you return to Hammersmith, you wiII dismay your mother, if you remain here,

you wiII disappoint your father.

I cannot cIing to you aII my Iife, Lizzy.

I am dressed as an aduIt.

Sooner or Iater I wiII have to comport myseIf as one.

The time has come for me to tie you weII...

and Iet you go.

Miss Price.

Yes.

we shouId ceIebrate.

You asked me a question, I answered it, and we didn't have an argument about it.

I did not ask you a question. I made an observation - Miss Price.

The confirmation of your identity was entireIy superfIuous.

As a resuIt, we are now arguing about it and, therefore, you are wrong.

That's so sweet.

You're actuaIIy trying to make me Iaugh.

Yes.

It shaII not occur again.

- And you're smiIing. - No, no.

I onIy smiIe in private...

when nobody is Iooking.