Original subtitles

(LASER GUNS FIRING)

FURY: When the old Soviet Union busted up,

a lot of their boys in the Cold War biz were put out of a job. Most retired.

But there's always a few clowns

who wanna put things back the way they were,

no matter who has to pay for the return trip.

Their latest brainstorm,

take over a Russian missile base, nuke Moscow,

the West gets the blame, the loonies take over.

Neat little package, huh?

Their not-so-secret weapon,

one unhappy ex-KGB camper named Crimson Dynamo.

The good guys needed help.

They called S.H.I.E.L.D. We called Iron Man.

(CRIMSON DYNAMO GRUNTS)

- Iron Man. What are you doing here? - Don't make me say it. I missed you.

IRON MAN: Smart, Stark. Next time, paint a bulls-eye on your chest.

You and your pals launch that missile, you'll start World War III.

And from the ashes will arise a glorious worker's paradise reborn.

Oh, wake up and smell the borscht, Dynamo.

People don't like rising from ashes. Drives up dry-cleaning bills.

Contemptuous Western stooge.

HOMER: Excuse me, sir. Given that the missile beneath you is about to launch,

I would recommend a quick sucker punch.

IRON MAN: My specialty.

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

I gave him everything I've got, plus some, and he's still ticking.

HOMER: Scanning his armor indicates recent improvements,

designed to withstand your best efforts.

IRON MAN: Recent improve... But how?

HOMER: Perhaps we should table that query until later.

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

HOMER: Evasive action would be prudent.

I'm trying, HOMER. Chill out. Refrigeration system override, now.

HOMER: Not to question your strategy, sir,

but are you certain that is a heat-seeking missile?

IRON MAN: I am now. And with any luck,

Crimson Dynamo's suit is running a lot hotter than mine.

Wait a sec. What's he doing? Dynamo.

(COMPUTERIZED VOICE COUNTING DOWN)

CRIMSON DYNAMO: I gladly sacrifice myself

for the glory of the people's cause.

Radiation Armor Mode, now!

(EXCLAIMS)

Although much of the blast was contained underground,

the explosion spread a radioactive cloud for miles.

Thousands of Russians are flooding into area hospitals,

poisoned by radiation.

Much of the blame, and anger,

is focused on a major player in this tragedy, Iron Man.

FURY: See? The Russian leaders, like big shots anywhere,

can't admit that their own people were after them.

Bad for business.

The way they tell it, it was just two armored yahoos, mano a mano.

And heaven forbid that Nick Fury or S.H.I.E.L.D. Should take responsibility.

S.H.I.E.L.D? Never heard of them.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here.

Once the dust settled at the blast,

we grabbed what was left of the Crimson Crispie's armor.

- Why? - Dynamo's suit

gave your iron-plated cookie jar a lot more trouble than usual.

We'd like to find out where he picked up his new tricks.

Okay.

Should be a nice break from all the screaming for Iron Man's hide.

I'll be in touch. Have fun.

(ELECTRIC DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

Alas, poor Yuri. I knew him...

Well, that's weird.

Why am I always the bearer of bad news?

Yeah, big bucks, big headaches, Miss Company Spokesperson.

That means you get to tell Tony the UN voted to condemn Iron Man.

And I get to keep my head attached to my neck.

Maybe he's in a good mood.

(CRASHING)

You sure can call them.

No. It can't be. All those people. All those lives.

(TONY GRUNTS)

Time out, Tone. Game's over. Fat lady's singing.

What are you doing?

- He is... - Don't answer, HOMER.

- That's an order. - Tony, whatever it is, we wanna help.

You can't. It's my problem. My fault.

I have to deal with this, alone.

I've heard that song before.

Come on, come on. Give the man space to cool down.

- HOMER. - Yes, Mr. Rhodes?

If Tony decides to redecorate any other rooms, call us.

You do seem unusually distressed, sir.

Distressed? These are my own designs.

Someone got a hold of my armor secrets,

and Crimson Dynamo used them to help melt half a county.

Interesting. The very technology that you designed to keep yourself alive...

Is being used to commit atrocities.

Endless opportunities for terrorist misery,

because of what I built.

Ah. You feel guilty.

Yeah, I'm a real whiz.

HOMER, what if Crimson Dynamo isn't the only one

who got a hold of the Iron Man technology?

What if there are others? Lots of others.

JIM: This isn't what I'd call a good idea.

JULIA: I can't stand waiting to hear from Tony, any longer.

It's been days.

Man, criminals using his own designs. No wonder he feels bad.

But what did he go to his high-priced law boys for?

JULIA: He thought they could help.

Turns out, Tony was his own worst enemy.

- He didn't patent his Iron Man designs. - JIM: Why's that?

JULIA: You know, so they wouldn't fall into the wrong hands.

Patents are public knowledge, capisci?

JIM: Gotcha. Gotcha.

Any sleazeball could have looked them up and copied them.

So now Stark Enterprises can't sue, even if we knew who swiped the stuff.

Tony must've loved that.

JULIA: Yeah, so then one of the lawyers asked what he plans to do.

- Tony says... - You don't wanna know.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

- What is it? - Come on, Tone.

We know what's going on.

Please, go away. I'm busy.

Don't give me that busy crapola. What happened in Russia was awful,

but you can't just run and hide from it.

You have Stark Enterprises to run, and a duty to the...

I know my duty. I know exactly what I have to do.

About what? If you expect us lined up behind you,

we gotta know what road you're taking.

It's for your own good.

Things go sour this time, it's best you're not involved.

Well, guess what, Mr. "I want to be alone,"

we are involved!

(SIGHS)

Don't you ever learn, Tony? We care about you.

I care about you. Doesn't that count for anything?

(JULIA EXCLAIMS IN IRRITATION)

- How about letting me drive? - JULIA: Shut up, Rhodey.

- I have completed the testing, sir. - TONY: Thanks, HOMER.

These Negator Packs seem to do a pretty good job

of disabling my stolen technology.

Generate a list of every known armored warrior.

Everybody gets a personally delivered gift box, courtesy of Iron Man.

I regret to say that I had anticipated the inexorable logic

of such a course of action.

Here are your targets.

RECEPTIONIST: Hi, welcome

to the Center for the Achievement of Eternal Bliss.

- Can I help you attain spiritual nirvana? - TONY: Tempting offer.

(PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me. Hello? Yes? No, I'm sorry. Peace.

(SNEEZES)

Sir? Sir?

Nice timing on the phone call, HOMER.

HOMER: I exist to serve. What is your next move, sir?

Meeting the Bliss boss.

A mind-control disk.

HOMER: Based, I posit, on the technology

that allows you to mentally operate your armor.

Just what I'd expect from Mr. Top Of The List,

The Controller.

(WOMAN EXCLAIMS IN FEAR)

No.

Oh, wrong room. Brain-washing is in 4A.

(WALL BREAKING)

IRON MAN: Well, well, well. The Controller.

I thought this smelled like your usual, sleazy style.

Yes, lovely little scam, isn't it?

Rich, overworked executives flock to my spa,

and after contact with their inner selves,

they all feel compelled to transfer their financial assets to me.

(LAUGHS) Have you come to join us on our journey?

Not at those prices.

You always had lousy karma.

Remove Iron Man from our peaceful sanctuary,

in pieces.

THE CONTROLLER: Destroy Iron Man. He is a disbeliever.

HOMER: Use restraint, sir.

These people are unwitting tools of The Controller's will.

They are not inherently evil.

IRON MAN: They're doing a heck of a good job faking it.

Pretty sad, Controller,

sending your cabana boys to do your dirty work.

You dare mock me?

You heard me, Maharishi Lowlife.

You're not only a thief and a swindler, but a coward, as well.

Your mother must be so proud.

THE CONTROLLER: I will not tolerate such disrespect.

You will obey me.

IRON MAN: Only if I get a dog biscuit.

(THE CONTROLLER GROANS)

Obey me.

Christmas in July, slave-maker. Obey this.

(SCREAMING)

Electricity and water, not a good mix.

HOMER, remind me to apply all future Negators

after the subject has had his bath.

Now, a special item, donated to our annual patrons' auction

by renowned industrialist Tony Stark.

What are my bids for the fabulous Tibetan diamond?

(SPECTATORS GASPING)

(CHUCKLING) Where's your security?

Don't you know anybody can fly in and steal this thing?

IRON MAN: Sorry, Beetle, but you're in for a hard day's night.

Now it's up to me

to help you check into Sing Sing Roach Hotel.

Permanently.

(BEETLE GROANS)

60, 61...

Gotta get that fixed.

(METALLIC CLANKING)

Yo. Hey, I'm standing here.

Iron Man.

Drilling Armor.

(STILT MAN EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)

Stilt Man, looks like you don't have a leg to stand on.

Sit nice and quietly, and you'll live to tell your kids

about being skyjacked by Blizzard and Blacklash

in their fancy, new, black market, armored long johns.

Now, take us to these coordinates. Hey. Where did Blacklash go?

(ON HEADSET) Captain, this is Iron Man speaking.

When you hear three, duck.

One, two, three.

Iron Man's unsanctioned vendetta continues.

Public outrage at his disregard for the safety of innocent bystanders

and his contempt for citizens' civil rights is growing.

(CHUCKLES) This is going exactly as I planned.

THE GHOST: Now, now, Mr. Hammer. Surely I deserve some of the credit?

(EXCLAIMS) The elusive Ghost.

True enough, you did use your unique talent

for penetrating secure areas

to appropriate the data from Stark Enterprises.

But it was I who had the invaluable network of connections

to sell Iron Man's secrets to his enemies.

Whatever. You take the credit, I'll take the cash.

That's the way creativity works.

Alas, I find myself without cash right now,

but I'll be delighted to write you a check.

I don't take checks.

I supposed it would be rather hard for you

to show two forms of ID.

What will you do when Stark traces

the stolen Iron Man technology back to you?

Not a thing. He has no proof it's his.

Hope you're half as smart as you think you are.

His tin man will come for you.

Insubstantial fool. I want Iron Man to attack me.

Each and every time that tin tank lashes out,

he chips away at his own good name.

After Iron Man is neutralized by his own actions,

Stark Enterprises will crumble.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

HOMER: Sir, may I ask what you're doing?

Helping the folks inside that cave relieve a little stress with a short siesta.

Sir, the Vault is a high-security prison for super-criminals,

like your recent contributions, Whirlwind and Blacklash.

The elite unit watching them, known as The Mandroids,

are federal employees. The good guys.

IRON MAN: True enough, HOMER, but like it or not,

the Mandroids' armor may have been upgraded with my new designs.

I have to negate them, too.

HOMER: Sir, you must reconsider this action.

IRON MAN: My design, my call. No exceptions. I'm going in hard.

HOMER: Excuse me, sir, but if the Mandroids do have armor like yours,

aren't they immune to your sleep gas attack?

It's like going fishing, HOMER. Gotta risk some good bait.

What do you know? I just got a bite.

HAWKEYE: Okay, old friend.

It's time someone put a stop to your little public hissy fits.

(CHUCKLES)

Lucky me. I've been elected.

I can read you like a book, Shellhead.

Figured out your game, made a list of likely targets.

Bingo. Hit the jackpot.

Why aren't you with the Force Works, Hawkeye?

Took a leave of absence.

Just like you've taken leave of your senses.

- Care to talk about it? - Not really.

Figured you'd say that, too.

Good aim. Bad ordnance.

No. Look out for his...

It's just you and me, Iron Man. Like I've always wanted.

Don't get in my way, Hawk.

I started something that I have to finish.

Oh, it's finished, all right.

(SCREAMS)

Nice shot.

Hawkeye, please believe me. I'm sorry.

If you think kissing up will cut it,

- you're crazy. - Crazy?

That's entirely possible.

(GROANS)

JIM: Fury, I'm telling you, man, he's not here.

Don't feed me that front office garbage.

I'm gonna see Stark, and I mean now.

All right, Fury. What gives you the right to just bust in here?

Lady, I'm an officer of the United States government,

sworn to uphold the Constitution and the Bill of Rights.

- JIM: Which means? - That I can bust in anywhere I want.

(ALL GRUNTING)

(TONY CLEARING THROAT)

Who's winning?

Hello, Fury. What bug crawled up your...

It's about Iron Man, as if you didn't know.

What's he done now?

Just busted up a bunch of federal men, for no reason.

Top-level Mandroids with chicken-fried armor.

Totally useless.

Yeah, Mr. Machine's definitely out of control.

I'll have a talk with him.

We're past talking, pal.

You shut down Iron Man,

or S.H.I.E.L.D. Will shut down Stark Enterprises. Period.

- You can't do that. - FURY: Think about it, Stark.

And think fast.

You heard Secret Agent Man.

As long as the world sees Iron Man as our corporate symbol,

they're gonna blame Stark Enterprises for every whacked-out stunt you do.

You're right. Which leaves me with only one thing to do.

(REPORTERS CHATTERING)

Tony give you any clue why he called this First Amendment feeding frenzy?

(SCOFFS) You kidding? Why should this time be any different?

Ladies and gentlemen of the...

(GROANING)

Jim, his heart.

It's all the stinking pressure he's put on himself.

As you know, my employee, Iron Man,

has embarked on some kind of vendetta.

He has refused to explain his behavior.

He has treated his friends in a way that's inexcusable.

And now I must report that Iron Man has fled.

He is a fugitive from justice.

REPORTER 1: Wait a minute. REPORTER 2: Wait...

REPORTER 3: Where did he go?

Therefore, effective immediately,

I'm terminating Iron Man's employment by Stark Enterprises.

(ALL GASPING)

To put it simply, he's fired.

(REPORTERS CLAMORING)

You lousy, lying...

(PANTING)

Blast this heart of mine.

This lone hero stuff hasn't done it any good.

JULIA: Stark. Anthony Stark.

Julia? Come inside, you'll catch cold.

Oh, stop pretending to be considerate. You're not very good at it.

What does that mean?

I mean that whole press conference bit.

I mean firing yourself. Please.

I thought it would make things easier for Stark Enterprises.

I thought it would take the pressure off you.

No, no, you thought it would take the pressure off you.

Well, you can lie in public all you want, but don't lie to me.

Why do you always push away the people

who care the most about you?

Even Rhodey deserves better than this. And me.

After jerking me around at what was supposed to be our wedding,

I would think I deserve maybe just a little consideration.

A little trust. But no.

(SNIFFLING)

All this pain. I mean, whatever it is that you think you're doing,

is it worth it? Really worth it?

I don't know.

JULIA: Why won't you talk to me?

If we ever meant anything to each other,

do not shut me out.

Tony? Tony?

Tony?

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!