Original subtitles

HOMER: Your vital signs are stable, Mr. Stark.

Let us proceed with the Armor Mode analysis.

(PANTING) Right. Armor, Samurai Mode.

HOMER: A 10% depletion in your energy core. Hmm. Not good.

Try Radiation Mode.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

HOMER: 13% depletion.

I must say, these power drains during armor variations

are quite distressing to me.

You have my sympathies.

Noted. Now let us try...

JIM: Hey, hold your laptop, okay, hard drive?

- TONY: Jim. What's up? - More like what's coming down.

Some unidentified falling object just pushed its own panic button.

- HOMER? - HOMER: Visual on screen.

Impact in 14 minutes, 10 seconds.

Bearing United States, Los Angeles, California, Malibu area.

Ooh. A disaster in Malibu? Now there's a new one.

Well, this one's not making the 11:00 news.

HOMER: Your energy core level

has dropped another 10% below acceptable standards.

You must refrain from modulating your armor.

IRON MAN: Don't worry, I ate a big breakfast.

JIM: The man needs my help.

Shall I dust off your War Machine armor?

(STUTTERS) I tried it before, and I freaked.

I just can't deal with putting that thing on again.

Hey, wait a sec.

HOMER: Power core nearing fatally low levels.

All systems shutting down, all systems...

(POWER FADING)

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

JIM ON RADIO: Hang tough, bro. Rough Rhodes ahead.

IRON MAN: To the rescue with bad puns, huh, Jim?

We're gonna land this spaceship the old-fashioned way,

splashdown city.

IRON MAN: You always pull through, Rhodey. Thanks.

Yeah, I'm a real hero.

JULIA: It's like a ghost ship.

(JULIA GASPS)

(TONY CLEARS THROAT)

Boo.

I am Jessik, the monarch of Planet Elysian,

hoping this desperate plea reaches Iron Man of Earth.

We are under attack by an armored invader

once defeated by you, who calls himself Dark Aegis.

- Please, Iron Man. - Dark Aegis. He survived.

I'd like to review the visual record of my last encounter with Dark Aegis.

HOMER: Accessing Stark Space Station surveillance archives.

TONY: That maniac armed my Asteroid Blaster to fire at the Earth.

(DARK AEGIS LAUGHING)

Poor Achilles, your heels are now motionless.

(COMPUTER COUNTING DOWN)

(LAUGHING)

IRON MAN: Don't need heels to kick your butt.

DARK AEGIS: What?

(DARK AEGIS SCREAMING)

HOMER: End of visual record.

Here, let me do that, Tony.

- It's not your fault, you know. - You mean, no one's blaming me.

Except for yourself.

I'm sorry, but I just can't stop thinking about those beings on Elysian.

You can't save everyone, everywhere, all the time.

- I can't? - After all, you're no Captain America.

Hey, hey, hey.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Hello. Are we doing facial inspections?

(CLEARS THROAT) That's right, facial inspections.

Very... I'll get back to you on the prognosis.

I can't wait to hear it.

I have completed the diagnostic of the alien ship's records.

According to its internal chronometer, it was launched yesterday.

Yesterday? How's that possible?

The ship's propulsion system

is equipped with a Space Fold Module,

allowing it to literally skip...

Space Fold, wow.

I've studied the theories, but I never knew it was possible.

However, the ship has been pre-set

to return to the planet Elysian within two hours.

Any attempt to reprogram it

would undoubtedly result in loss of vital information

and permanent shutdown.

That means only one thing.

Iron Man's booking himself

on one space-folded, interstellar, e-ticket ride to parts unknown.

(SCIENTISTS CHATTERING)

I'm riding shotgun, and you don't have a problem with that, understand?

IRON MAN: Come on, pal, you've got nothing to prove to me.

- We've been friends a long time. - Right.

But lately, this friend's been letting you down, Shellhead. Big time.

I've been wrestling with this hang-up too long. It's time to get back on track.

(BEEPING)

What in the name of...

(EXHALES) Warm in here.

IRON MAN: Yeah, it is. Easy, big fellow.

Guys, I'm registering a weight differential of 1,270 pounds,

unaccounted for.

IRON MAN: Come on, Fubsy, do we have to padlock your fridge?

(CHUCKLES) Only to keep you out of it, marshmallow boy.

JULIA ON RADIO: Yeah, yeah. Yuk it up, chuckleheads,

but something's way out of whack.

HO MER: T- minus 10 seconds, and counting.

- Nine... - Now I got movement in the cargo bay.

Get out of there, guys. Now!

- Six, five... - (GASPS) I see him.

JULIA: Abort mission. Abort...

- One, zero. - IRON MAN: Hang on.

HOMER: Tracking systems have lost all contact.

(SIGHS) They're gone.

Okay, Rhodes, you've been bombed out, banged up,

shot at, and kicked around with the best of them.

Now try doing something really tough, like putting your helmet on.

IRON MAN: Suck it up, pal. You ready? WAR MACHINE: Let's do it,

maybe.

IRON MAN: Hmm.

WAR MACHINE: (GASPS) Titanium Man.

(GROANS)

(GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

IRON MAN: Repulsor ray, sustained emission.

(GRUNTING)

IRON MAN: Just like old times.

Armor, Space Mode.

TITANIUM MAN: Only him, not you. IRON MAN: Only you, not me.

(TITANIUM MAN SCREAMS IN PAIN)

(WAR MACHINE PANTING)

(GRUNTING) Propulsion's weak, can't pull away, suns' field.

IRON MAN: Armor, Inferno Mode.

Gotta turn or burn, big guy. Let's jet.

Energy level's down, gotta slingshot it.

WAR MACHINE: I don't much like the sound of that.

IRON MAN: Think cool thoughts.

WAR MACHINE: Hey, Shellhead, I think nothing else.

(WAR MACHINE STUTTERING)

WAR MACHINE: I don't believe it. That loony Aegis pushed the button.

IRON MAN: We're too late. WAR MACHINE: He nuked the place.

(PANTING) Oh, man, I can't catch my... I can't catch my breath. I can't...

- I have to... - IRON MAN: Jimmy, no.

The air's too toxic. Armor's gotta stay on.

WAR MACHINE: (WHINING) Oh, man, I can't. I just can't...

IRON MAN: Rhodey, get a grip. Rhodey! I'll slap you if I have to.

(LAUGHS)

WAR MACHINE: Gonna pull my hair, too, boss man?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Core levels dipping? - IRON MAN: More like diving.

(IRON MAN EXHALES)

I found the ship, it's totaled. And probably Titanium Man, as well.

- What could he have been after? - WAR MACHINE: I don't know.

But thanks to that Russian tank,

we're lost on an alien planet with poisoned air,

and our power's low, and the only ride out of here's trashed.

Oh, man, how did I ever let you talk me into this?

What are friends for? Anyway, might as well keep busy.

I'll search the area for any survivors.

You see about salvaging that Space Fold Module out of the ship.

Maybe I can adapt it to get us home.

WAR MACHINE: Right. Right. Home. Good plan, good plan.

(CHUCKLES) Home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home.

(DARK AEGIS LAUGHING)

DARK AEGIS: So, you finally arrive to my little blast, Iron Man.

I was starting to get so bored.

IRON MAN: Why did you do it, Dark Aegis? Why a whole planet?

The proverbial motive.

The annoying "why's" and "what for's."

Just ask yourself why you came after me, Iron Man.

It's the same answer. Because we felt the need.

IRON MAN: I'm here because I felt responsible.

Since when does Titanium Man do your bidding?

Since I promised to arm that outmoded cretin

with one of these Oracle weapons.

All he had to do was get you here. Breathtaking, isn't it?

TITANIUM MAN: Finally, I am complete.

With this sickle, I shall harvest the greatness of my country,

my Mother Russia.

I shall rid her of the corrupt nouveau riche,

who keep babushkas hobbling in the streets, begging for rubles.

(SIGHS) But the luster of power is tarnished.

Dark Aegis has destroyed a planet, and for no gain.

At what price is my glory?

Can I still follow his orders with honor?

IRON MAN: All this, for revenge against me?

You're missing the point, C-3PO. I don't want to hurt you.

I want to elevate you to new heights.

You and I are destined to march side by side, Iron Man,

like brothers-in-armor.

Think of the cosmic magnificence of it all.

Yes. Yes! I control the heavens.

What divine providence has built, Dark Aegis shall tear asunder.

Now, Iron Man, take this Oracle. Blast that very moon from the sky.

Once you experience such raw power, you'll never be the same.

(PANTING) Come on, Rhodes, knock it off. Oh, man, this stinks.

(WHINING) Lousy armor. I can't catch my breath.

Fortify life support,

suspend all nonessential systems, including weaponry.

(THUDS)

What the...

TITANIUM MAN: Enough!

IRON MAN: You're paying big time for this crime, Dark Aegis.

- Bank on it. - Crimes? Against whom, humanity?

The fools of this planet were grotesquely less than human.

IRON MAN: Life is life, pal. Even yours, as twisted as it is, is born with value.

DARK AEGIS: Oh, I am disappointed in you, Iron Man. But, I understand.

It's not an easy transition

going from lowly hero, to an almighty god.

But I'll help you take that step, by doing the next one with you.

Let's do those suns, together.

IRON MAN: You'll devastate this entire solar system.

DARK AEGIS: Take this blasted weapon, and join me.

IRON MAN: You need me, don't you? That's what this is all about.

DARK AEGIS: It will take the highest settings of two Oracle weapons

to snuff those suns,

and Titanium Man's outdated Russian energy core

would sizzle and burn in seconds.

So, by ironic attrition, the honor is now yours.

IRON MAN: Listen closely, Dark Aegis, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once.

Take your job, and shove it.

Don't you dare reject me.

WAR MACHINE: What are you waiting for, Titanium Man? Finish it.

TITANIUM MAN: My prime directive was to deliver Iron Man here, alone.

Your interference threatened Dark Aegis' mission,

and should cost you your life.

But no weapon enhancement is worth the price Dark Aegis is imposing.

Here, this will repair your life support.

WAR MACHINE: Compassion?

What, now you're gonna kill me with kindness?

TITANIUM MAN: My hunger is different from that of Dark Aegis.

I want power to control, to lead. He wants power to annihilate.

(LOUD EXPLOSION)

IRON MAN: Armor, Drill Mode.

DARK AEGIS: Where are you?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

(IRON MAN EXHALES)

IRON MAN: Tag, you're it.

(LAUGHING)

IRON MAN: What? What the...

WAR MACHINE: Titanium Man wants to play nice.

TITANIUM MAN: We must not stop attacking.

The Oracle cannot fire while its force field is enabled.

WAR MACHINE: Hey, you keeping it together, Iron?

IRON MAN: Remind me to switch brands of double As, when we get home.

(LAUGHING)

TITANIUM MAN: Loyalty to you, Dark Aegis, is too costly.

Power should not be at the expense of innocent lives.

It stops here, and now!

(GRUNTING) Relinquish your weapon.

DARK AEGIS: (GRUNTS) Then take it from me, deserter.

You decrepit fool.

Your antiquated system can't take it. You're frying yourself for who?

- Them? - IRON MAN: No, for himself.

(DARK AEGIS SCREAMS IN PAIN)

DARK AEGIS: Vengeance is mine, sayeth Dark Aegis.

From the heavens, I shall exact my wrath.

(ALARM SOUNDING)

IRON MAN: War Machine.

WAR MACHINE: Let's bring that giant ego down to size.

TITANIUM MAN: Wait. It is I who must bring him to justice.

It is I with the sins of a lifetime to amend.

I, alone.

IRON MAN: Go redeem yourself, Titanium Man.

WAR MACHINE: What's that? IRON MAN: The Space Fold Module.

WAR MACHINE: I gotta salute T-Man.

He knew what had to be done, and he did it.

IRON MAN: With honor.

Tony, I...

- You what, Julia? - I've about had it with you heroes.

A little sabbatical about now would sure be nice.

You get the armor, I'll get the mothballs.

Hey, Tone. You think your laser welder will fix this?

Sure.

Wait a minute. You wanna fix your armor?

Yeah, well, somebody's gotta keep you out of trouble.

And I think I'm well-suited for that job, don't you?

Hey, what's up with you guys?

(CLEARS THROAT) Well...

HOMER: Facial inspections?

Been too long since I had me one of those.

At least you can have one.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

A close one, indeed.

A bitter night, it is. For a wee moment,

I thought I saw a grim figure of some kind in the darkness.

A banshee, perhaps?

(HOWLING)

(LAUGHING)

Hush. Pipe down, would you? It isn't funny.

Now let's be checking the booty.

Holy night in County Cork, would you look at this?

Costume jewelry?

I know a chap who'll pay a punt or two for the likes of that.

(THE MANDARIN CHUCKLES)

(ALL SCREAMING)

Another ring, another nail in the coffin,

another shovel of dirt on the grave of Iron Man.

(LAUGHING)

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!