Original subtitles

TONY: The last modifications to my new armor.

Nuclear thrusters and deep space adaptability.

(SIGHS)

That ought to do it, HOMER.

I'll log the project as completed at 3:07 a.m., exactly.

(YAWNING)

Lucky I don't have a wife waiting up for me, eh?

Most humans find comfort in emotional attachment to another.

I was being ironic, HOMER.

Remind me to program irony

into your naive little digitized brain sometime.

I will do so next Wednesday.

Stark, put your brawny behind on that corporate jet of yours

and get out here pronto!

Dum Dum Dugan, not the prettiest face I've ever seen at 3:00 in the morning.

- What's the problem? - It'll keep till you get here. Dugan out.

Well, HOMER, looks like we get to put this tin can through its paces

sooner than we thought.

But your new armor is untested in the field.

IRON MAN: HOMER, I'm deeply insulted.

Could it be that you don't trust my world-renowned engineering skills?

(LAUGHS)

That is not my point.

Any sophisticated system has the potential

to perform in unexpected ways.

IRON MAN: Such as acting like a mother hen with its creator?

HOMER: Is that more irony?

IRON MAN: Why don't you let me know after your Wednesday programming?

Now, let's see what these new thrusters can...

(EX CLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

I had no idea what kind of kick these babies were packing.

HOMER: Which brings me back to my point

about a thorough laboratory testing.

IRON MAN: Yeah, yeah. Nobody likes a know-it-all computer.

HOMER: But I thought people did want computers to know everything.

That irony program will certainly come in handy.

IRON MAN: S.H.I.E.L.D.'s got their agents wearing Guardian Armor.

The plant must be in some serious danger.

Which means one thing, they'll be mighty appreciative

having Iron Man on board.

(IRON MAN SCREAMING)

Who rolled up the welcome mat?

Boy, this would be an excellent time for War Machine to show up.

If he were still showing up.

You boys up for a physics lesson?

That would be a little something called the domino effect.

DUGAN: Easy, does it, laddie.

Don't get your circuits all hot and bothered.

It's just we were expecting your boss, not you.

IRON MAN: Stark will be along.

But he won't be pleased to find uninvited guests at his factory.

Correction, bucko, my factory.

By order of the United States government.

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I don't care what that paper says,

this plant's the property of one Anthony B. Stark.

And that automated tank of yours is in my boss's parking space.

So why don't you call a tow truck?

Consider it towed!

Do you have any idea of the paperwork I'm gonna have to fill out

to explain that shenanigan?

I'm the one you should be doing the explaining to.

(SIGHING) Suppose you're right.

Let's take it inside, I'll brew us a wee pot of joe.

How's the coffee? Or maybe you'd prefer a cup of 30 weight?

Stark's perimeter monitors picked up this footage.

A tea plantation just outside Stark Industries.

3:58 local time yesterday.

That's a school for the farm workers' little ones. Watch.

IRON MAN: An hour earlier, that school would've been full of kids.

You got it, boyo.

Anyhow, the Chinese government blames Stark Enterprises,

figuring some sort of test went all to blazes.

So did S.H.I.E.L.D., at first.

So what changed your mind? Stark's boyish good looks?

Not likely. This.

The attack on the school was a warning.

Unless the governments of the world give in to our demands,

A.I.M. Will destroy

10 of the world's largest population centers. We warn you.

DUGAN: Won't bore you with the rest of his blarney.

Let's just say that rummy band of renegade scientists

have some pretty extreme demands.

Way we figure it, they've got some sort of attack satellite

floating around up there among the angels.

So naturally you're down here,

sitting on your big fat keester, sucking down java.

For your information, Shellhead, we're prepping a space fleet right now

to go have a little look-see.

It'll be ready for launch in two hours.

That's one hour and 59 minutes too slow.

And by the way, Dugan, love the new sunroof in your trailer.

What sunroof?

Saints preserve us! Do you know what you just did?

You just cost me another hour's worth of paperwork!

It is my own fault. Should have served him decaf.

Okay, HOMER, prepare armor for Space Mode.

HOMER: Surely you aren't serious. The new systems are...

IRON MAN: Let me guess, completely untested?

What kind of superhero would I be if I didn't take a few risks?

Interior seals locked. Temperature control on.

Oxygen-regen function engaged. All systems go.

HOMER: Strange.

I'm monitoring excessive amounts of microwave radiation,

yet with no apparent source.

IRON MAN: Switching to infrared scan.

Fantastic! Something that big, yet completely shielded from radar.

Are you imaging this, HOMER?

HOMER: Indeed. It appears to be a space station.

And I'm picking up something else coming towards you at a great velocity.

IRON MAN: Thanks for the advance warning.

HOMER: Was that irony?

No, that would be pain. At least these are just babies.

But then came Papa Bear.

HOMER: Your thrusters are no longer operative.

IRON MAN: I noticed. Repulsor's malfunctioning, too.

HOMER, call the salvage yard.

You may be selling old Shellhead for scrap before this day is through.

- HOMER: Your new circuitry is failing. - Just fix it pronto!

HOMER: Circuits will be recalibrated in 10 seconds.

IRON MAN: I don't have 10 seconds!

That's funny. Never seen a meteor run out of gas before.

I am Sunturion,

guardian of the space station known as Star Well.

HOMER: Your recalibration is complete.

Armor functions returning.

It was I who redirected the meteor shower towards you.

It's been that kind of day.

If I'm not being shot up by S.H.I.E.L.D. Agents,

some fruitcake in a DayGlo suit is pelting me with meteors.

It was merely meant as a warning. Trespassers are not allowed.

Really? Someone must have moved the sign.

Well, HOMER, that was something you don't see every day.

HOMER: Indeed.

My readings indicate that Sunturion is a being of great energy.

IRON MAN: What tipped you off? His healthy glow?

HOMER: Ah! More irony. I'm beginning to recognize it now. Interesting.

IRON MAN: So I guess you can teach an old mainframe new tricks.

HOMER: Shall I scan for the main entrance?

Negative. I can't go waltzing in the front door. An airlock.

Perfect. Show you a little trick, HOMER.

HOMER: Most impressive.

IRON MAN: Comes in real handy when I lock the keys inside the Cadillac.

Just as I thought, it's an A.I.M. Satellite.

Well, I "aim" to see what these jokers are up to.

Ready all systems, HOMER.

I'm prepared for anything.

Except that.

Welcome to my home, Iron Man.

My name is Arthur Dearborn. Can I get you anything?

I'm not here for afternoon tea and crumpets, Dearborn.

I've come to shut you and your cronies down.

Cronies? I'm afraid I don't understand.

I'm quite alone up here. Except for Sunturion.

We've met.

Yes. I apologize for the unfortunate welcome he gave you.

He's very protective.

You see, the Star Well is my life's work,

the sum total of all my dreams.

Please, let me show you.

I realized long ago that if a third world war is ever waged,

it shall be for control of our scarcest resource, energy.

Fossil fuels are the thing of the past.

Nuclear power, too controversial. But this, the Star Well, is unique.

By gathering solar energy and beaming it to receiving stations on Earth,

I can provide pure, unlimited power to any corner of the globe.

Tight beams of microwaves, controlled heat.

Tell me, Dearborn. Did you happen to unleash some of this unlimited power

- upon a certain location in China? - China? Why? No.

You're lying. Yesterday, a microwave blast from this satellite

nearly wiped out a schoolhouse full of kids.

How dare you! I will not listen to this vile claptrap.

All right, I admit it happened, but it was an accident.

I was running a test and they jammed my signal.

- They're after me, you know. - Who?

A group of renegade scientists, known as Advanced Idea Mechanics.

- They're commonly called... - A.I.M.

Fess up, Dearborn. You are A.I.M. This ship is lousy with A.I.M. Markings.

No! I only hired them to help me with the satellite technology.

They were recommended by an associate of mine

who worked for Justin Hammer.

Justin Hammer? A.I.M?

You chose some bad partners, Dearborn.

I realize that now.

A.I.M. Is claiming credit for the accident in China.

Holding the world up for ransom.

Yes, because they now realize how powerful the Star Well is.

But they'll never get it.

Because my shielding device makes it virtually impossible to detect.

Well, I detected it.

Yes, you did. But you are an extraordinary being.

No one else could ever detect...

(ALARM BLARING)

IRON MAN: Think not?

It's A.I.M. They've come.

It was you who drew them here. They locked onto your signal.

Step aside, Dearborn.

Let me see if I can't get these egomaniacal eggheads

to listen to reason.

HOMER: I doubt that A.I.M. Will prove amenable to listening to reason.

IRON MAN: (LAUGHS) So do I.

HOMER: Then why...

Ah! Irony again.

Attack drones. Three against one, huh?

Well, I was hoping for more of a workout.

Yeah, well, that'll do.

HOMER: At this rate, with your continual assistance,

there will be 8,064 of them within two minutes.

So in other words, if I shoot them, I'm a goner,

but if I do nothing, I'm a goner.

HOMER: Not in other words. Those exact words will do.

Was I being ironic?

Yeah. Congratulations. You make me so proud.

Only one chance. Sucker them in tight, hit them fast and hard,

and hope their duplicating circuits melt to mush.

HOMER: And if your colloquially worded theory is incorrect?

IRON MAN: Then at least I get to go out in one loud blaze of glory.

(PANTING) HOMER, who'd have thunk? We did it.

Where am I?

You're safe. It was touch-and-go for a while,

before I realized what your requirements were

in terms of life support.

We are kindred spirits, you and I.

We both owe our lives to technology. You must stay here with me.

You and Sunturion can protect the Star Well,

just as you protected it from the A.I.M. Warship.

That was no warship, Dearborn. That was a scout ship. Small fry.

A.I. M will be back in numbers.

And they'll take your satellite away without asking.

No! You're wrong! The Star Well is safe.

And you're never leaving here!

(GROANS)

- HOMER, you with me? - HOMER: Barely.

Dearborn is being most parsimonious with his energy.

(TONY GROANING)

See if you can short out the Star Well's feeder circuit.

Direct it to my suit.

- Not recommended. The feedback... - Will jump-start my circuits. I know.

If it doesn't kill you.

- Details! Just do it. - I will try.

(SCREAMING)

What have you done? You're ruining everything!

My perfect environment!

The dream's over, Dearborn. The Star Well must be shut down.

DEARBORN: You have no idea what you're saying. I can't live without it!

The Star Well is not just my dream.

It's my salvation.

Ah!

I understand now. You're Sunturion. But how?

DEARBORN: When Star Well space station was nearly complete,

I contracted a fatal disease.

Ordinary medical science couldn't cure me.

I bombarded my dying body with a unique form of microwave energy.

The disease was destroyed,

but I was transformed into the being I call Sunturion.

Now my body gave off invisible rays deadly to all forms of life.

Even when I learned to transform

between my physical and my energy forms,

my presence remained lethal to others.

The Star Well was quickly completed.

I banished myself to it, and here I remain.

My gift to mankind now serving as my prison.

Do you have any idea of what loneliness it is

to be cut off from all humanity

and locked inside a cell of iron?

Yes. I do.

(ALARM BEEPING)

A.I.M. Ships, dozens of them. I warned you, Dearborn.

But we can stop them, you and I together!

And if we can't? They'll take over the Star Well,

blow up half the world and enslave the rest.

Real fun guys. If you won't pull the plug on this station, I'll do it for you.

(IRON MAN GROANS)

SUNTURION: You will not take what is mine!

Feel the power of Sunturion!

(GRUNTING)

(SCREAMS)

I knew I was good, but I didn't know I was that good.

Typical. The rats are deserting a sinking ship.

The Star Well's no use to them anymore.

HOMER, compute trajectory, where's that crate headed?

HOMER: Latitude 25 degrees, 60 minutes north.

Longitude 80 degrees, 12 minutes west.

- A major metropolitan area known as... - IRON MAN: New York City!

HOMER, it's times like these a superhero really gets to earn his pay.

SUNTURION: This is your fault!

(IRON MAN GROANING)

If you had helped me defend the Star Well...

Why? So A.I.M. Could take it over? Your dream for mankind was finished

the minute you shook hands with those devils.

And now it's about to become a nightmare

for millions of innocent people.

So you'll pardon me if I don't stop to chat.

HOMER: I must warn you, your circuits are still dangerously low on power.

- Any attempt to... - IRON MAN: Got no choice, HOMER.

A couple of million tons of white-hot space rubble's

about to take a bite out of the Big Apple.

(PEOPLE SCREAMING)

If I can just deflect it, send it into the ocean!

No good! Too low on power.

- SUNTURION: Stark. - Back off, Sunturion.

- I don't have time to... - You were right.

My dream for mankind is over.

But I won't let others die because of it.

Goodbye, Dearborn. It's ironic that your ultimate gift to mankind

wasn't the Star Well after all,

but rather the life you sacrificed to destroy it.

HOMER: You say it is ironic,

but I fail to detect the previous element of humor.

Is irony not always funny?

IRON MAN: No, HOMER. Sometimes it isn't funny at all.

(PANTING)

I can feel it! It's close!

(CHUCKLES)

You want to be with your nine little brothers, don't you? There!

(EAGLE SCREECHING)

Prepare to fry!

(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE)

Nice birdie. Put me down.

No!

I...

I am...

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!

I am Iron Man!