Original subtitles

(GRUNTING)

JIM: It doesn't have to go this way, Tone.

There's still time to change your mind.

- No! I won't. - Then that's it. Let me do that.

I always looked forward to sharing your happiness one day.

I just never figured it'd be so soon.

Neither did I, Jim, but as Shakespeare said in Julius Caesar,

"There's a tide in the affairs of men

"which, when taken at the flood, leads on to fortune."

(CRYING)

JIM: Good fortune or bad?

TONY: Will was never real clear about that.

SAM: Not since Madonna married what's-his-name,

and Liz Taylor married everyone else,

has a wedding generated as much ballyhoo

as this hastily announced union

of legendary billionaire bachelor Tony Stark

and his beautiful Vice President for Research and Development,

Julia Carpenter.

(WANDA CRYING)

The best man is Stark's Vice President of Security, James Rhodes,

and the maid of honor is the bride's daughter

from a former marriage, Rachel.

And this is Sam Jaggers of Hard News saying I'll be right here,

waiting at the church, on time, to bring you further reports

of these momentous and completely unexpected nuptials.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today...

TONY: I'm surprised to be here, too.

It's not that I don't care for Julia. I do, and for Wanda,

and for Veronica Benning, my physical therapist, but...

It all started nine days ago.

I'd been reviewing video records of our Watchman tank

trashing Justin Hammer's vehicle in a field test.

The test ended with a close-up of a computer virus The Mandarin planted

to sabotage the Watchman's program.

But, while watching other tapes of our activities, I became aware

of something that could mean our lives were in great danger.

A single, unanswered question

that kept rearing its very ugly head, time after time.

All right, lay it on us, already, man.

I don't wanna be late for the Dodger game.

But you have a whole nine awnings to get there if it doesn't rain.

Not "awnings." Innings.

And it never rains in Southern California.

I heard that in a song, so it must be true.

Right, songs never lie, like, Yes, We Have No Bananas.

In my galaxy, music always conveys truth,

therefore, I resent your condescension.

(WHISTLES)

Cool it.

Now, I want you to watch the tapes I went through,

and see if they raise the same question for you that they did for me.

Like the Watchman tank test,

the first dry run of our overland tanker was a complete success.

Except that The Mandarin's goons were waiting in ambush.

It looked like they might have been tipped off by a mole on our team,

but we finally learned it was one of Modok's devices

that told Mandarin when the tanker was leaving our security lot.

But we all know this, dear Tony. I do not understand

how your seeing it again raised a question in your mind.

- I'm drawing a blank on that, too, Tone. - As am I.

TONY: Then let's review my recent visit to our microchip plant

to check out a phony eruption alarm.

After drawing Iron Man to the scene, The Mandarin planned to destroy him.

That's when I reminded myself that Stark Enterprises

has a dozen geothermal plants powered by volcanic energy

at locations all over the world.

Then how did The Mandarin know which volcano-powered plant

Iron Man would want to check out in person?

Yes, Tony. And also, how did The Mandarin learn

that you had invented the Watchman tank

and overland tanker in the first place?

Right. For him to know those things, The Mandarin would need to have

some kind of undetectable bug planted right here in the Armory.

- Impossible! - That's nuts!

Yes, not even The Mandarin could do such a thing without our knowledge.

Or could he?

TONY: Why don't you decide about that after the next tape?

As you recall, I was secretly doing a little sub-oceanic gold prospecting

when I needed to raise money fast

to save our company from a bankruptcy engineered by The Mandarin.

Things were going smoothly at 40 fathoms down,

until Julia and Wanda did some sharp detective work and found me.

And then, within thousands of miles of ocean,

the Living Laser found me, too.

And that, I submit, was neither coincidence nor bad luck.

It's final proof that The Mandarin has somehow managed to eavesdrop on us

- for quite some time. - Yes. I agree with Tony.

- Get real. - I'm not sure.

No, neither am I.

Look, it's the only explanation that makes sense.

Until we find Mandarin's bug, our house is made of glass

and we're running around without any pants.

Now, let's get busy.

(ECHOING) Now, let's get busy... get busy.

... get busy... get busy... get busy.

THE MANDARIN: Your animatronic raven is early today, Modok.

(CHUCKLES) How touching. It must care for you deeply.

Yes, every raven loves a cuckoo bird.

(LAUGHS) Modok? Cuckoo?

Oh, really, Hypnotia, you are a scream.

(LAUGHS CONTENTEDLY)

Yes. I must remember to tell David Letterman

you're available for a guest shot.

Enough chit-chat. What crumb has your raven gleaned for us this time?

Oh, no. Iron Man's team is reviewing tapes of encounters with our forces.

This means they will soon realize

that we have been spying on them all along!

Now Tony Stark, or Iron Man,

will undoubtedly learn the secret of your raven.

You broke my birdie.

Its usefulness has ended! But yours has not.

Replay every record of Armory activity the raven brought us,

and cross-check it against the complete video file

of our confrontations with Iron Man and his lackeys.

(GRUNTS) As you wish, Mandarin.

Somewhere within that material is the information I've been seeking

since I first began my quest for world domination,

the true identity of Iron Man.

But many believe Iron Man is merely Tony Stark's guardian robot.

Yes. And what Earthly difference would it make

if there were a man in that armor? An enemy is an enemy is an enemy.

Iron Man cannot be killed, but the man inside can.

Find me the name of that man, and I shall exterminate him.

Then, the rule of The Mandarin shall truly begin!

Julia Eugenia Carpenter, do you take this man

to be your lawful wedded husband?

TONY: If The Mandarin had been spying on us,

I assumed he'd try to get in one last deadly shot

before we shut down his bugging operation for good.

Unfortunately, it took me a while to figure out

what form that final assault was gonna take.

JIM: Stop. Rewind sequence to 12:22:15.

COMPUTER: Processing.

(REWINDING)

Once again, The Mandarin knew we had found Ultimo.

Perhaps his bug was tuned to our search scanners.

My theory doesn't tie in with the Watchman tank,

or Iron Man's visit to the volcano, or anything else!

Hey, we'll find The Mandarin's bug, Tone.

We just gotta keep punching.

I cannot discern any cosmic trace of a concealed device

which might have given The Mandarin advance warning

of our plans to neutralize Ultimo.

I sense a strong probability that The Mandarin's bug was undetected

because it was not here when Jimmy did his electronic security sweeping.

Oh, give me a break, Wanda. That bug was either here or it wasn't.

My hex sense does not lie, my little Cabbage Patch cutie face.

Then how, pray tell,

does your hex sense tell you the bug was able to go back and forth?

By Pony Express on the freeway, maybe?

- That's it! - Pony Express?

Back and forth! If The Mandarin's bug somehow went back and forth,

we would have missed it, because it wasn't always here!

Computer, stop, rewind, and rerun

video files Kappa, lota, Lambda, Omicron.

COMPUTER: Very good, Mr. Stark.

TONY: Access video records of any communication link in common.

COMPUTER: Processing.

The Armory monitor!

The Mandarin must have been tapping in

each time we used it to transmit secret information.

Yeah? How? The Armory monitor's got more anti-bug gunk on it

than a sunburned Boy Scout at a jamboree in the Everglades.

Startling as this may be, I find myself in complete agreement with you, Clint.

Computer, stop and feature Screen Three.

COMPUTER: As you wish.

There! The Mandarin's bug must have been here

while Tony and Jim were using the monitor to home in on Ultimo.

All we have to do is conduct a search to find out where it was.

The only question is, where do we start looking?

Pry me.

(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)

- Pasadena. - No idea.

Conduct a search. "Conduct." Conductivity!

If the bug made physical contact with the monitor,

it could have affected the rate of electrical conductivity!

Can I send away for the brochure to explain what you just said?

Bingo! The conductivity was altered!

But there couldn't have been a bug in the building then, Tony.

Jim swept the place, and it was clean.

So "in" is out. But what about on the building? Computer!

Show us the Armory roof at the time of the change in conductivity.

COMPUTER: The roof, and environs.

WANDA: So that's how The Mandarin did it!

CENTURY: We have no way of knowing

how long The Mandarin has been eavesdropping.

Consequently, we cannot tell how much he really knows about our plans, or us.

For our own protection,

we must assume that it's more than we want him to know.

And he also knows we're on to him now,

which makes him more dangerous than ever.

How do you figure that?

Because he'll only have one last chance to finish me off

before the playing field levels out.

- Finish you off, my precious? - Yes.

The one secret The Mandarin wants to learn

is the true identity of Iron Man.

By now, he may have collected enough information to work that out.

And if he has, it'll mean the end for Tony Stark.

There, Mandarin. We attempted to replace Ultimo's occipital template,

but Iron Man continued to interfere.

That tells me nothing.

Recall the video record of our fight with Iron Man,

when we captured a Stark communications satellite

and inadvertently brought him on board.

But at a time when Stark should have been fighting to preserve his business,

he was nowhere to be seen.

Hmm.

Yes. Reprise our confrontation with Iron Man,

when we finally located his hiding place

after his battle with Fin Fang Foom.

(GROANS)

I do not understand why you insist on viewing

sickening repeat performances of our numerous failures.

I would just as soon watch reruns of Gilligan's Island in Norwegian.

JUSTIN: Yes, Mandarin. I must confess I find this a major-league bummer.

Ooh. That sounded so contemporary, Justin.

(LAUGHS)

I'm delighted you think so, Hypnotia.

Silence, you blithering bunglers!

Look. That demeanor, that body language, those eyes!

I should have realized it long ago.

Since Stark first constructed Iron Man's armor

and escaped from my custody,

he and Iron Man have never been seen together.

The reason is simplicity itself.

Tony Stark and Iron Man are one and the same!

(LAUGHS) And now that I know, Tony Stark is a dead man!

- "...till death us do part"? - I do.

I now pronounce you Mr. And Mrs. Anthony Stark.

You may kiss your bride.

(CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING)

Tony Stark is a dead man. A dead man!

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

A dead man!

(ALL CHEERING)

SAM: And I'm afraid it's official, ladies.

Tony Stark has now joined the ranks of the legally unattainable.

- TONY: Goodbye, everybody! - Thanks for coming!

And as the deliriously happy couple drives off, this is Sam Jaggers saying

that when they reach their secret honeymoon rendezvous,

I'll be waiting in the bushes with my camera crew.

At Hard News, we don't quit until you do.

THE MANDARIN: Slowly. Slowly.

(THE MANDARIN CHUCKLES)

We don't wish to frighten our lovebirds,

for the moment.

Tony Stark is Iron Man?

I still can't accept that premise, Mandarin.

THE MANDARIN: You will, my dear Justin.

It was a beautiful ceremony,

- wasn't it, darling? - It was, sweetheart.

If I'm not mistaken, we're being pursued by some uninvited guests.

I certainly hope so.

After all, a girl doesn't get married to her dream man every day,

so it really should be a special occasion.

- We have a cloud on our tail. - So I see.

I hope our mutual friend will be there when we need him.

Clint is unwrapping his wedding present right this second.

Out.

They're increasing speed. They must have spotted us!

Then let the games begin.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- Computer! Armor vehicle! - COMPUTER: Armoring.

JUSTIN: Stark's car is armoring itself!

THE MANDARIN: That will do him no good whatsoever.

Blizzard! Lead the couple in a traditional wedding dance.

BLIZZARD: Oh, how I danced on the night we were wed.

I needed a wife like a hole in the head.

JULIA: Look out!

- Hit the thrusters! - TONY: They won't fire!

- They're clogged with ice! - JULIA: We're falling! Hang on!

LIVING LASER: Take one chilled sports car and heat to 2,000 degrees...

Compensate for temperature differential.

COMPUTER: Accommodating life support requirements.

...then stir well...

- Stabilize gyroscopes! - COMPUTER: Processing your request.

WHIRLWIND: And serve with a twist, on the rocks.

Tony. Tony, can you hear me, darling?

Someone help me! Help! Tony's been hurt!

But not badly enough!

(LAUGHING)

What?

Not to worry, Stark.

That would be far too easy an ending.

My congratulations, Mr. And Mrs. Stark.

Particularly to you, Mrs. Stark.

It's not every day a girl gets to be a bride,

and a widow, in the same afternoon.

This will not be enjoyable for you, Mr. Stark,

but it will be a true delight for me.

- JULIA: No! Stop! - Watch!

I hate to see Tony suffer, more than you can imagine,

but a girl can't always follow her heart.

Getting uncomfortable, Stark? Or do you mind if I call you Iron Man?

IRON MAN: I don't think Tony would mind, but I do!

But Stark is here! Which means you shouldn't be!

IRON MAN: Some days you just can't count on anything.

- BLIZZARD: Iron Man! - But he's supposed to be Stark!

Evidently, nobody thought to tell him.

This means Tony will live.

I'd like to belt you again, honey, but a girl can't always follow her heart.

What is he doing up there?

HAWKEYE: Making sure you turkeys are looking the wrong way.

DREADKNIGHT: Up, Knightwing!

No, Dreadknight! Hypnotia is mine!

BLIZZARD: Get us out of here! LIVING LASER: Fast!

Chicken-hearted cowards! Stand and fight!

No! Put me down!

(THE MANDARIN SCREAMS)

(MODOK SCREAMS)

I shall not rest until you are all food for jackals!

WAR MACHINE: Way to go! JULIA: You were wonderful!

CENTURY: Well done! HAWKE YE: Neat-o!

Tony? Iron Man? But this is not possible!

What?

(GASPS) But, if you are Tony, and you are Tony...

- But I'm not Tony. I'm a robot. - A robot married Julia?

You mean I cried my eyes out, and nobody told me?

We wanted to make sure your tears looked real, Wanda.

It isn't nice to fool the Scarlet Witch, my precious pumpkins.

SAM ON TV: And so, the marriage of the decade was nothing more

than an elaborate hoax, designed by Tony Stark

to misdirect the attentions of the financial community

while he cleverly restructured his corporate debt

without affecting the price of his stock.

Oh, so smart.

Well, at least I finally have you all to myself.

- It was a lovely wedding, sweetheart. - Oh, shut up and dance.

Sweetheart. Sweetheart. It was a lovely wedding, sweetheart. Sweetheart...