Original subtitles

(ALARM SOUNDING)

ANCHORMAN: A number of disturbing incidents have caused worldwide panic

as military defense and attack systems arm themselves and take to the sky,

because of what international leaders are calling

a massive failure in the warning systems network.

Additionally, a resulting financial panic has caused stock markets to crash.

The trading volume is so high

it's difficult to determine exactly what's happening,

but it appears an unknown buyer is profiting from this situation.

The identity of this individual is not known at this time.

Meanwhile, as the safest stocks fall to new lows,

banks and stock exchanges worldwide have been closed to prevent a panic.

And deepening the mystery, there is evidence of a lone speculator

with direct access to the satellite-based supercomputer

which controls international trading and using that access

to become the wealthiest man in the world.

MODOK: Another Stark communications satellite, Mandarin.

My robots will reprogram it on your command.

THE MANDARIN: Excellent, Modok!

How many more Stark military and financial satellites are out there?

This is the last!

Then the only problem remaining is James Rhodes.

That problem is solved.

(EX CLAIMS IN DISGUST) How revolting!

You will think it beautiful if it helps your plan succeed.

My External Life Form, or E.L.F., is most reliable.

You understand your mission, little gremlin?

- Yes, master Modok. - Then do it, elf.

E.L. F: I serve. I serve.

- James Rhodes I seek. - THE MANDARIN: Well done.

Of course.

Faster! Faster!

ARMOR: Virtual reality deep-space simulation.

Iron Man Armor is being controlled by Tony Stark in laboratory cyber-sphere.

Computer, I'm going to mine for xenebrium on this meteor.

What a great science toy.

Uh-oh.

The meteor is decomposing.

Time to get the iron shell out of here.

(BEEPING)

(GRUNTING)

I'm stuck!

JIM: Tony! You're testing Iron Man's Armor

on the meteor miner in the R.E.C. Room?

Thought it'd be safer using neuromimetic tele-presence

than going in myself.

(GRUNTS) Looks like I was wrong. Can't free my leg!

(ALARM SOUNDING)

(GROANS)

The heat! I'm feeling it through the armor's sensors!

Armor's covered with molten xenebrium.

Must engage coolant and stabilize.

(IRON MAN SIGHS)

Made it.

JIM: You shouldn't have tried a remote test alone!

If a zap got through the armor into your body,

it could have totally paralyzed you!

TONY: Our government contract calls for us to deliver xenebrium shielding

for the new fusion reactor.

(GRUNTS) Since xenebrium only exists on certain meteors

for a few seconds before they explode,

I had to be sure my armor can take it.

Looks like we came through with flying colors.

I hope you can handle the next test as well.

- Tony, it's good to see you. - You too, Mr. President.

Now, I want you to level with me.

You designed, built and own the satellite systems that control

worldwide military systems and financial transactions, isn't that right?

My company did design and build them,

but they don't control what they do

any more than your telephone controls your conversations with Boris Yeltsin.

Point taken.

Then you can assure me you did not have a hand

in causing military panic around the globe,

and that you're not the lone speculator profiting from the stock market crash?

Let's drop the formalities a second, Bill.

You know me. I had no part in any of it.

I believe you. But can you prove that?

I'll release my complete financial records to you and the media

immediately, through my senior vice president, James Rhodes.

You got it, Tony.

You'll see I've engaged in no stock transactions for the last 30 days.

I'm clean, Bill, and I will prove it!

E.L. F: James Rhodes I seek. James Rhodes.

(GURGLING) He comes.

Computer, access, track and print out all financial records of Tony Stark, stat.

MODOK ON RADIO: Now, little E.L.F., do your thing.

(MODOK LAUGHIN G)

I serve.

What...

What are you?

(E.L.F. YELLS)

(GRUNTING) No! No! Get... Get out of my mind!

Get out!

E.L. F: No need to struggle. I am your friend.

My friend?

Yes, but Tony Stark is a thief.

(GROANING) No! No! You lie! You lie! Get out!

He has reprogrammed his own satellites to steal the world's riches.

No! It's a lie! All lies!

If you don't believe me, you will believe him!

It's the chance of a lifetime, Jimbo.

First, we scramble the defense networks,

which means Stark Enterprises gets billions in new contracts to fix them!

- What happened to you? - I wised up. And you should, too.

Stick with me and we'll buy up the world's stock for peanuts!

No! Never! I won't let you do it!

You can't stop me. Nothing can!

E.L. F: Tony Stark is a thief, he said so himself!

A thief! Thief! Thief! Thief! Thief!

- TONY: Engaging interactive remote. - Roger that.

I watched the news. The press gave you a hard time. Are you okay?

I'm fine, Julia. Besides, Jim's taking care of it.

- External systems look normal. - Check the transceiver programming.

TONY: The programming's been altered!

Upload and download settings have been changed.

Someone's using my satellites to create global unrest

and shift the world's money into his pocket!

You should know, Tone. Anthony Stark, I have a warrant for your arrest!

That's ridiculous! What's the charge?

The illegal acquisition of stolen funds.

You ordered your transceiver satellites to intercept bank data

and deposit it in a secret account. Your secret account.

I don't know what you're trying to do, Jim Rhodes, but I won't allow it!

No, Julia. I've never broken the law before, and I won't start now.

Jim, do you really believe I'm guilty of this?

The proof is right in front of us, Tony.

The altered programming is there on the screen.

But I was trying to restore the altered programming to its normal state!

Take him away.

ANCHORMAN: And the scrambling of warning systems

continues to enrage and destabilize world governments.

This just in. In a surprise arrest,

the billionaire industrialist Tony Stark was taken to the maximum security...

THE MANDARIN: Stark is behind bars

and Stark Enterprises is now in the hands of James Rhodes!

Who is completely under the psychic control of my E.L.F.

You have both done your parts extremely well, my dear colleagues.

And now, it is my turn.

ANCHORMAN: The following is a paid announcement

from concerned citizen, industrialist Justin R. Hammer.

- Mr. Hammer. - Dear friends,

as the world teeters on the brink of conflict,

it deeply saddens me to see Tony Stark, a man I greatly admire,

accused of causing the unrest so as to get rich at the expense of us all.

I, for one, do not intend to stand idly by.

To minimize the damage from Mr. Stark's schemes,

I personally pledge my resources and my life to serve you all!

As the saying goes, "When something needs fixing,

"put a Hammer to work!"

MALE REPORTER 1: Mr. Stark! Any truth to the charges?

MALE REPORTER 2: Is it true you tried to bribe the grand jury?

FEMALE REPORTER: Any statements?

- Mr. Stark, any statement at this time? - MALE REPORTER 3: Come on!

- Mission Control Center? - Yes. And thanks for bailing me out.

(CHUCKLES) Well, what's fifty million dollars between friends?

TONY: Speed Mode! There's no time to waste!

I didn't know it was possible for only two people

to launch a communications satellite.

Luckily, I've committed the launch codes to memory.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

JULIA: But what if whoever reprogrammed

your other satellites gets this one, too?

That's what I'm hoping for. I've given this satellite an override chip

that will restore the other satellite functions to normal.

Tony, the satellite isn't equipped to carry a human being!

Even Iron Man could be incinerated in the thrusters' backwash, and then...

TONY: If I don't do something now,

we could see the beginning of World War III.

JULIA: Mandarin's behind this! His powers are deadly, and...

TONY: I've faced The Mandarin before, Julia.

I can't run from him now!

CO MPUTER: Five, four, three, two, one,

zero, lift off.

IRON MAN: I'll be in touch!

When that turkey, The Mandarin, gobbles up this satellite,

he's in for a big surprise.

What's this? I thought we had dealt with all of Stark's satellites.

Apparently not.

But that is easily remedied.

MODOK: Forward, robots! Arm laser torches and obey The Mandarin!

THE MANDARIN: Undoubtedly, Tony Stark has sent

his vehicle out to reprogram his satellites

in a last-ditch effort to save himself.

That must not happen!

With Stark preoccupied with his legal defense,

we can seize his supply of xenebrium without incident!

And with xenebrium armor to shield them,

my forces will be invulnerable!

Not even Iron Man will be able to stop them!

And now, I'll deal with this last satellite myself.

(LAUGHING) That's it! Cut it to pieces and melt them down for scrap!

I... Iron Man!

E.L.F.,

hear the words of Modok!

Iron Man is attacking me! James Rhodes must help!

JIM: Must stop Iron Man and protect master Modok.

All team members to the Armory!

Emergency! All team members to the Armory!

Armor up!

Must stop Iron Man. I serve Modok.

Iron Man must die. I serve Modok.

Cease firing, Mandarin! You'll rupture the hull and destroy us all!

(IRON MAN GRUNTS)

Attack! Attack!

Huh?

My robots will increase the temperature

until you are cooked like an egg in its shell!

IRON MAN: I don't think so!

Computer, reflect laser heat!

I've been waiting to meet you face to face, Mandarin.

Then face this, Iron Man!

(GROANS)

The power of my ring has neutralized your resistance to magnetism!

You are helpless!

The tarot cards are not promising. This mission will be difficult.

Will you bag the cards, Wanda? Tony may be a major pain,

but he's not a crook. I don't care what you say!

Clint's right. But I'll feel better when I hear Iron Man's side of it in person.

WAR MACHINE: You will, very shortly.

Ladies first.

Sorry. "Hero persons."

SCARLET WITCH: Jimmy is acting very weird.

Yes, I detect a strange aura about him.

WAR MACHINE: We must hurry! The master needs us!

"Master"?

What's with you, War Machine? Your helmet on too tight, or what?

There is no time for chatter! Warp speed!

THE MANDARIN: I had not planned for it to end like this,

but one must seize opportunity whenever it appears.

Prepare for oblivion, Iron Man!

(ALARM SOUNDING)

- What? - The proximity alert!

Lmpossible! Our sensors showed nothing approaching orbit!

MODOK: A Stark Enterprises vessel has docked!

How did it slip past your defenses?

I lowered the shields when I summoned James Rhodes for help.

I neglected to redeploy them.

THE MANDARIN: You summoned them, you deal with them!

Okay, guys.

(THE MANDARIN GRUNTS)

Adamantium mesh! It resists my rings!

(SHUDDERING) This is your fault, you cybernetic clod!

IRON MAN: War Machine, good to see you!

WAR MACHINE: Wrong, Shellhead!

HAWKE YE: War Machine's freaking out! I've got to slow him up.

No. No. Iron Man's on the case.

IRON MAN: War Machine! Listen to me!

There's something controlling your thoughts!

WAR MACHINE: Nice try, Iron Man, but it won't work!

IRON MAN: Wait! Hear me out! You've got to listen!

Arm and attend me! Now!

SCARLET WITCH: I love dominoes, my cupcake!

IRON MAN: Stop! Your mind is under alien control!

SPIDER WOMAN: War Machine! Stop it!

Yeah, come on, W.M., give old Ironsides a chance to explain, huh?

MODOK: Rescue us at once! Hurry, you mechanical dolts!

The blast neutralized the artificial gravity on this vessel!

I must restore gravity at once if we are to stop The Mandarin.

We have one last trump to play!

Good-bye, Iron Man!

No! You'll blow us all to atoms!

CO MPUTER: Decomposition sequence initiated. Countdown beginning.

(MODOK SCREAMING)

- Sixty seconds. - Excellent.

In sixty seconds this ship and everyone in it will be incandescent plasma,

and I'll be free to dominate the Earth!

- They're getting away! - CENTURY: Let them go.

We must stop this fight and leave here quickly.

IRON MAN: War Machine! Jim, listen to me!

I have never lied to you! We are friends!

WAR MACHINE: No! You're evil!

IRON MAN: Hold him for me! We've got to get that thing off his neck!

WAR MACHINE: No, Hawkeye, not me! Shoot Iron Man!

(GROANING)

(SCREECHING)

IRON MAN: Jettison that satellite.

It's the only way to reprogram the satellites The Mandarin sabotaged.

All right! Stand away, and cross everything.

IRON MAN: Great shot, Clint!

Now, into our ship before we're turned into space dust!

CO MPUTER: Danger. Evacuate.

- Danger. Disintegration. - SPIDER WOMAN: Hurry!

Triumph! At last!

(LAUGHS) Nothing could have survived decomposition! Nothing...

- What? - THE MANDARIN: It's not possible!

(GROANS)

I don't know what got into me.

IRON MAN: Believe me, you don't want to know.

I want to know why that blast didn't vaporize us.

IRON MAN: I shielded this prototype with xenebrium.

A blast ten times that strong wouldn't scratch the paint.

Which is why those yoyos wanted it so bad.

- Think they'll try coming after us? - I think they are going to be too busy.

THE MANDARIN: What? You... You...

You've steered us into an asteroid storm!

MODOK: A minor setback! I will navigate us into the clear!

Please, do not blame me.