Original subtitles

(HARP PLAYING)

Delivery guy!

Why are you in my room?

Today you'll be receiving a special delivery from me.

(STRUMS HARP)

That doesn't even begin to answer my question.

I'm in your room cos you're dreaming.

This is a dream.

Sorry, I should have said that at the start.

I don't want you to cancel me. OK.

I took my shoes off before I got on your sheets. OK.

I just don't think it's fair that I have to say it's a dream

cos it's like it's your dream.

Like, why is it on me to announce that?

Does everyone in your dreams tell you that you're dreaming? Everyone.

OK, the point is, today, your DNA results will be delivered

by your winged homeboy here. (GASPS)

And those results will lead you on an amazing journey

that is thought provoking and also will take you somewhere special.

Is it Mauritius?

Or.. oh... Havana.

(GASPS) Or maybe Iceland.

I can give you one clue. I'm ready for my clue.

Your exotic destination has 4 letters, begins with a B and

it's very beautiful, it is quite mysterious and interesting.

I'm going to Bali!

On this subject I can say no more. (STRUMS HARP)

I'm going to Bali!

L-L-Like I said, I can say no more but prepare for an adventure.

Thanks delivery guy.

(SNORTS) Bali.

(HARP MUSIC)

# Theme tune #

Hi guys, it's Flora with the most sensational news.

I have been chosen to fly to Morocco to learn about camels.

I mean, camels are the animals that we as humans

should aspire to be like.

They are wise.

They've got strong teeth and bones.

They're obsessed with hydrating

and they totally get their 10,000 steps every day.

I just can't believe that I'm going to be flying tonight at 10pm

with 10 of the world's top vloggers.

I gotta go and pack now but I'll talk soon! (SIGHS)

It's the joyful day my peeps.

The DNA results are in and will now bring me on my most exciting challenge yet

because a lot of my other influencery vloggery, vloggery, journalery

type people have been off exploring the world recently.

Like Flora, Flora for example has been off in the Maldives

and now she's off again. Off she pops to the Atlas mountains

to learn how to communicate with camels(!) (LAUGHS FEEBLY)

But listen enjoy it, enjoy yourself while you're there.

I'm so sorry to hear about that monkey giving you rabies though(!)

Gosh, sorry, I hope you're OK. Joy. Are you going to be OK?

Looks so sore. Joy. It was really clinging on there.

Wasn't it, with his teeth. (Moving on!)

Anyway, today is all about me

and all about the mes before me that made me me now.

I mean, we think we know we are but one thing is for sure

I have absolutely no idea who the hell I am.

Joy. Huh?

Oh yes and today is sponsored by these helpful guys.

Turn it round.

These helpful guys.

(Other way.)

These helpful guys. Other way.

Christ! These helpful guys.

Thanks helpful guys!

Emer, haven't you checked my passport? Checked it.

Are we ready? Just open the envelope.

Are we ready guys, guys, guys! I am from...

Bray.

Bray, Co. Wicklow.

And... (Close in on the eye.)

Just say... Just say?

(Going to Bray.) And we're going to Bray.

We'll see you in Bray.

Yay(!)

And cut.

(CRIES) Oh God, Bray.

Bray guys, I could, I could cry!

You should cry, those shows totally milk the emotion of the whole thing.

Someone always cries.

(CRIES) I'm not a crier.

Joy, crying is everywhere this year.

(SOBS) Bray? Bray.

Bray.

(CRIES) Guys, get out of my way.

Just give me a minute.

You got it? Yeah.

The crying?

Bray has pebbles instead of sand.

OK(!)

It's actually the best news possible.

(SIGHS)

It means you're going to boost your numbers outside Dublin.

So just remember that, OK?

I don't want to be a bogger blogger.

Jesus Joy.

Yeah it's bogger vlogger.

No, I'm literally from the country.

I'm not saying I hate the country Karen

I'm saying, it scares me shitless.

It's nothing personal.

It's like when people are scared of flying,

people don't say that's mean to aeroplanes. I do.

It is.

Isn't it?

(SIGHS)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Emer, are you obsessed with those mystery TV shows

where somebody intercepts somebody else's mail

and changes something on the letter, then pops it back in the envelope

and seals it up again?

(SNIFFS)

I have no idea what you're talking about.

(SNIFFS)

(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)

Night guys. Bye Karen.

OK, this is not easy for me.

I used to go there on summer holidays as a kid and I hated it.

It's just that my brand is supposed to be aspirational.

Like, would you rather be going to the Maldives or Bray, Co. Wicklow?

Not even joking, Bray, Co. Wicklow.

(SIGHS)

(TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES)

Joy, you need to stop looking at everyone else and do you.

Yeah, let's do you.

Get it together.

Stop being so urban about the whole thing

because it's massively off-putting to the majority of people.

Fine, I hear you.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) But I'm still not going to Bray.

What?

(OWL HOOTS)

Joy.

Stan and I can't leave until you agree to go to Bray.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Fine!

Get up Stan! Huh? (GROANS)

(SIGHS)

Flora: Hi guys, so I've just jumped out at Burning Man just for a hot second.

So I've had a massage, I'm having my little facial done

and then I just feel revived and ready to go back again.

It's incredible, I'm having the best time.

Flora: The desert is really beautiful but it's really, really dry.

Like nobody tells you that.

And like the first day you go there it's really, really difficult

just to kind of acclimatise...

Canine Aidan: Brave face, brave face, brave face, it's going to be fine.

< (GROANING)

< (LOUD THUMP)

(BREATHLESSLY) Just a few bits, says you(!)

(LAUGHS)

Packing tips.

I think the hardest thing is when I'm travelling I like to wear

a light moisturiser during the day but I do prefer a heavier one at night time.

It's so difficult.

Absolutely.

Stan, can you help me with this please? Absolutely.

Yes he can!

I'm telling you. (OMINOUS MUSIC)

I can see what's going to happy before it's even happened.

Right in front of my very eyes.

Trish will arrive any moment now.

I did just text to say I was two minutes way. Hey Trish. Hi!

Oh. (JEALOUS LAUGH)

Oh you were texting? You texted her?

You text each other. What are you guys texting about?

Oh Tom's taking Olivia this morning

so me and Christie are going to go swimming and then

we're going to go get ice-cream (GERMAN ACCENT) mit sprinkles.

You hate sprinkles.

Incorrect. I like sprinkles.

No you don't. Sometimes I like them. Sometimes?

Trish, that makes zero sense. OK cranky pants(!)

Don't worry about it Trish, I get it, you're still on your journey,

you're still trying to find out who you are, I remember that.

But now here's me on the road.

I mean granted it's not to Morocco but I am going to Bray.

And here's me, liking sprinkles Joy so I'm on the road too.

I'm actually on the road.

And here's me getting sprinkles.

Me. Road.

Sprinkles.

Road.

Sprinkles.

Can we go?

(LAUGHS FEEBLY) Road.

Sprinkles. Sorry road.

Sprinkles. Road.

Sprinkles. Road.

Oh Joy? Sprinkles.

Oh sorry, road. Sprinkles.

Yeah.

Road!

SPRINKLES!

(DOOR SLAMS)

ROAAADD!

(PANPIPES AND WIND CHIMES)

Gosh, I'm so sorry about that.

I think I'm becoming more earthy already, you know.

I feel like Alan Titchmarsh rubbing soil in between his fingers.

I think being beyond the m50 is just getting me more in touch with my roots,

my more feral side.

Sorry. Primal.

Oh, sorry. Rural.

You know we're just outside of Shankill? Yeah, Shankill.

Shankill, the countryside, Ireland.

People commute to Dublin from here.

Fuck off!

They take one train or one bus.

How long does that take? Like 28 minutes.

28 minutes?

Oh my gosh, science is unbelievable these days.

You've got bullet trains, bullet buses, huh!

#

Flora: The Swiss Alps have been calling me.

I'm just on my way now to meet Alejandro who is going to teach me

how to make the best chocolate and that chocolate is in fact

the key to living your best life. Long and happily.

Flora is making her own chocolate bars with her personal chef

and her 5 star resort.

Good for her(!)

Good for her.

< ...Dormant volcano as a peace offering...

OK. Our home for the night is just around here.

Sorry, I beg your absolute pardon?

Emer emailed through the accommodation and an itinerary

for the rural activities.

Siri, Siri, find me huge spa hotels near me. Siri: No.

No.

Let's go.

(CAR DOORS CLOSE)

(GASPS) Mud!

Stan, mud.

Ah yes, so real. So muddy.

So we have this great woman coming to meet us any minute.

She sounds incredible, Joy.

She's your age and her family has lived here for generations.

She sounds like a bit of a maverick.

Honestly, she runs this group called Sea U Next Tuesday

and the 'See' is spelt 'Sea'.

It's an absolutely terrific pun if you ask me.

(LAUGHS)

Because they meet every Tuesday and they're all women

and they see it as a therapy submerging themselves in the ocean

becomes this elixir of happiness and wellbeing.

It's just gorgeous.

What the hell is wrong with them?

Have they seen Sharknado?

I know there's no sharks in Ireland but there's seaweed

and that's almost as bad.

And do you know once, down here while I was swimming,

a dead cow floated up to me. A dead cow!

He'd fallen off a cliff.

And there he was with his giant head and his giant eyes.

Just floating sadly.

And they say 'fallen off a cliff' but let's be honest

he probably jumped.

(SIGHS)

It is mad to just dive in.

Wash away all the bullshit, you know?

I can feel what you're trying, Stan. Good. Good.

(COW MOOS)

There goes another one.

Off the cliff.

(It's so sad.)

So we pretend to stay here and then you film me with my head about to

but not, touching some old gross 80s pillow and then we cut

and we go to a hotel.

No, we are staying here.

(SIGHS) Stan-n-n.

Wait a second.

(PHONE BEEPS) This is the actual caravan

I used to stay in. I used to stay in this van when I was a kid.

Who did you say we were meeting today? A Maeve... Maeve?

Maeve Morris. Surely you remember. You ditzy Dublin bint(!)

(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Uh. Maeve.

Soooo, where did you go to after that one summer?

Oh France, Brittany.

No, in general. Like, for the rest of your life

until like right now. Oh, em.

Brittany, Dublin, Irish College, Dublin, Santa Ponza, Dublin,

Canaries, Dublin, London to see Joseph and the Amazing Colour Dreamcoat,

Dublin, Kildare Village for a winter coat, Dublin, Paris with an ex,

Dublin, Berlin with Trish, Dublin

and yeah, I think that's everywhere.

Mmm. (SIGHS)

(BEST PRESENTER VOICE) So Maeve, I've heard that exotic

flowers can be found growing in this area, is that why you're still here

do you think Maeve?

Do you think I stayed here for the intervening 18 years

because of the shade of that one flower? No?

Is the right answer.

I like it here.

Our entire family lineage comes from here, you know, I like that.

That's not to say I haven't been on a journey but em...

Oh!

Aw!

Are you making a perfume ad? No, but I'm open to that.

Emer, email perfume people.

(PRESENTER VOICE) So Ruth, tell me about yours. Ours.

(CLEARS THROAT) Yes, what did we do?

Well we were matchmakers which was ironic because I'm... I'm single.

But that's fine, I'm completely fulfilled.

And I'm not lonely at all.

Yeah, no that's good, it's important not to feel that pressure.

Well pressure is for tyres Maeve. Quite.

And how is it for you Maeve?

Well I was a gay woman in Ireland in the 1980s who had to live a lie

because my truth didn't work for anyone else, so you know.

You put two and two together on that front. (Four.)

Yeah, they tried to set me up with Diarmuid from Enniscrone

who was a lovely man but you know horrific toe nails.

He gave me a foot massage using head and shoulders.

I mean, it didn't work out.

Toe nails can be a deal breaker. Yeah, toe nails and a penis(!)

But (LAUGHS) you know, I solved my problems by jumping in the sea.

Now I go out there every day and I'd splash and I'd splash and... Cute!

...I'd shout and I'd shout about my confusion, about not being allowed

to be who I was, you know, this is where I was from,

this is me, this is my tribe, I mean who was I if the only place

I felt a part of anything was away from it all, in the sea, alone.

You were a drowning cow.

Sorry, I beg your pardon?

Oh no, let me explain it to you.

So when I was a child... (INAUDIBLE)

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you

the first Irish lady to be an Irish lady to get into the sea in Portugal

and surf one of those really big waves that everyone was banging on about.

Maeve Morris, my second cousin.

(CLEARS THROAT) (PRESENTER VOICE)

So Maeve, all of our family were matchmakers, yes? Mmm, yes.

So my father's, father's, father's, father. Yes.

And my father's, dad's, brother's, uncle? Um, no.

He was what's was known as a pervert. We don't talk about him. (LAUGHS)

No, seriously, he ruined a lot of lives, so um, it's not funny.

Ooh.

But they did other things too like your great, great, grandad, he made bread.

Oh my God I love bread. Wow, this makes sense.

I also set Stan and Christie up. Did you though? Yeah.

And I also tried to set my dog up with the local schnauzer

but it didn't work out so eventually we just got rid of his balls.

Gosh, I'm glad they didn't do that to Diarmuid.

Cos you know, it really wasn't his fault.

It's just so nuts.

I remember you.

Course you do.

What? This place was where I used to meet my friends.

I used to come here with my friends all my friends would come and meet me

and be like, 'Hey Joy, let's...' Run!

(LAUGHS MANIACLY) So fast!

(SCREAMS)

She always this manic? Only around really calm, centered people.

Take it as a compliment.

We need to get her in the sea. Absolutely.

Stitch!

OK so I said I'd get into the wetsuit for the piece and I did

so now Stan we cut to my stunt double running in and swimming instead of me.

Sure you're wearing it now, you might as well.

Ah, it's just I don't like cold things, wet things, salty things

or sandy things so there's four major problems right there.

No Stan! Come on Joy. No. That's it.

No! You can do it, you're a brave girl.

(SCREAMS)

Atta girl. Fuck you! (SCREAMS)

Keep going! Keep going! I hate you, I hate you!

(INAUDIBLE)

(UPLIFTING MUSIC)

(NO SOUND)

(SCREAMS)

(SIGHS) You guys are so earthy.

Thanks for a great day Maeve. Sorry I puked on your shoulder.

I just swallowed too much sea water. Oh that's OK dude, you did it, that's what counts.

Momentum worry Joy, it's later than you think.

Yeah I know, I'm usually in bed after the news.

Atchoo! Ah!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

Grow up Joy! You grow up.

Grow up. Grow up. Grow up.

Donna Martin graduates. Donna Martin graduates.

(SINGS) Donna Martin graduates. Donna Martin graduates.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Don...

(GASPS)

< Hello, is Joy there?

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) No, this is Joy's mother.

< Can Joy come out? We're going to a disco down the road.

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) I'm afraid Joy has gone to a different disco

with some other friends. She's very popular.

< Um alright, well maybe I'll see her tomorrow.

(HIGH PITCHED VOICE) I have to now, Nationwide is on.

Stan are you awake!? (Are you awake?)

Are you OK? Was it another dead cow?

I had the best summer with Maeve Stan and then I never came back.

I never came back to her. I just abandoned her.

I never saw her again.

I'm such a bad person Stan. (GROANS)

OK Joy, I was sleep, what is this?

Oh Stan, I'm such a bad person.

I used to think you were about the best person I knew Joy.

I was mad about you but I'm just getting pretty sick of this.

You used to be fun, you used to be a laugh but you've become so self obsessed

that it's actually getting quite wearing.

Well maybe I was pretending because deep down I was really, really scared.

Pretending. Pretending is just all you do. I'm sorry but it's true.

(Take that back!)

No.

(Grow up Stan!)

(Grow up Joy!)

(Grow up Stan!)

(You grow up Joy!)

(Grow up!)

(Grow up!) (Grow up!)

(TOGETHER SCREAMING) Grow up!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

# Theme tune #

Subtitles: Jenny Young RTE 2020