Original subtitles

Dr. Roberts, what is this supposed to be teaching me? [Whistle blows]

- Side out! - 'Cause this is fun and all.

You know, I mean, fun is good.

If the average person spent 25% more time having fun,

their life expectancy would increase by 17.5%...

[Whistle blows] ...for the average person, which is a statistic I try

to keep in mind... Oh, my God! Spiders!

Assert control. Come on, 62, you can do it.

Here they come.

Yeah!

You see? You can do it. You're the superior species.

Whoo! Aah!

- Oh! - Oh, my God.

[Siren wails]

Oh! [Yells] Pants fire!

Pants fire!

- 88, get in here! - Pants fire! Pants fire!

[Shouting indistinctly]

- Why do you keep it down here? - I don't know.

Oh, God! Pants fire!

[Gasps]

- Good job, squirt. - Is everything o...

Is every... Is e...

Is everything o...

I-I'm a little dizzy, and I'm uncomfortable in this ...

There must be a short somewhere.

Well, let's see how far we got

with our arachnophobia, shall we?

- The what? - Ahmed, where's Tim?

He's right here. Just woke up from a nap,

so he's a little cranky.

- Hmm. - Very good.

So, uh, any fear?

No. What did you ... What is this?

Shouldn't he at least still know what spiders are?

No, he's cured. I've done it... again.

- Sign here, please. - Okay, one quick question.

- No refunds. - Well, what is my name?

Oh, we only use patient numbers here.

The number dehumanizes you, allowing us to concentrate

more fully on the science. It's like not naming

a farm animal before you're eventually gonna slaughter it.

- No, I mean who am I? - Who are any of us?

Doctor, Patient 62 has forgotten his name.

Short circuit must've shocked the limbic system ...

- Very good. - Doctor, Patient 62 has amnesia.

What?

[music]

2x04 - Amnesia

Hmm. We're just gonna have to go back in

- and recover his memory. - No can do, Doc.

We won't be up and running for at least another day.

[Electricity crackles]

At least another week.

What are we gonna do with him?

We can't just leave him on the street.

He can stay in my room.

- Let's search his wallet for an address. - You mean this?

Ah, we're just gonna recover 62's memory

the old-fashioned way.

- T.E.R.R.Y.: Cut his head open? - No.

- Massage his legs and lower back? - Nope.

- Taking him to a credible hospital? - Definitely not.

Bea, meet me in the monochromatic hall.

Well, we're gonna use fundamentals.

Hey, psst! 88, what's your favorite hoagie flavor?

- What? - What's your favorite hoagie flavor?

This feels like a trap.

[music]

Dr. Roberts: Doctor's log.

We are now in the monochromatic hall.

Tuesd... W-Wednesday.

Patient 62 seems to have developed amnesia

completely of his own accord.

I'm going to conduct a series of tests to jump-start his memory.

The eye sees only what the mind hears.

- Who said that? - Dr. Roberts.

Correct. I wrote that myself.

When I hold up this card, pick a number between 1 and 12.

- Dr. Roberts. - Yes, I'm here. Pick a number, 62.

- 62. - Yes, a number between 1 and 12.

- Dr. Roberts. - That's me.

- I thought I was me. - You're you.

- Then who's Dr. Roberts? - Me.

- If you're me, then who am I? - You're you, and I'm me.

- Me? - No. Yes, you.

I'm ... I'm you?

- Y-You're you, I'm me. - You said I was me.

You are.

[music]

Then who's Dr. Roberts?

I'm the patient, you're the ... I'm the ... Ugh!

Doctor's log.

Patient 62 has proven very difficult to work with.

We are going to move on to the next test, reluctantly.

[echoing sounds]

Randy: [Muffled] Hey, 88.

So, uh, we're all set for tonight.

Yeah, since you didn't tell me what your favorite flavor was,

I just ordered a flight of hoagies.

So, we got egg sauce, red sauce, yellow sauce.

Wait, what are you talking about, Randy? A flight of hoagies?

Damn it, 88! I can't figure you out!

One minute, you want to be my buddy,

the next minute, you be ghosting me!

Got hoagies on the way, for Christ sakeses!

[whirring]

Polarization therapy ... separates the thoughts.

The leeches are fascinating. Primordial detoxification ...

Leeches? They're back!

[Bell dings]

Page 88, tell him to bring the salt.

Little assholes are after my magnets.

Not my magnets.

[music]

Patient 88: Hey, Randy, have you seen the big ladder?

Well, if it isn't my non-man buddy, 88.

I have no idea what you're mad about.

Oh, really? Maybe this'll jarg your memory.

- What is this? - As if you don't know.

It's Just Buddies, the all-male buddy website.

No games, no drama, just buddies.

Randy, this clearly isn't me. You're being catfished.

The hell is that?

Somebody's pretending to be me to trick you.

[Sighs] This always happens to me.

My last buddy was the exiled Prince of Namibia.

I sent him $400, and never heard from him again.

I should send him another $400. [Cellphone chimes]

[Gasps]

"Hey, Randy, can't wait for the hoagie hoedown.

Cheerio, mind the gap, God save the Queen. 88."

Damn it, 88! It is you!

The website specifically says no drama, no games.

"God save the Queen?" "Cheerio?"

- Who does that sound like? - Rargh! [Bang]

[Warbling]

- Oh. - Let's [bleep] up that robot!

- What? - Let's go talk to him.

Doctor's log.

We're in the blue room attempting a hard rewire,

accessing shapes learned in infancy.

When you hear the shape,

could you please press the corresponding button?

Circle, square, squircle, square, balbus, baronium rings.

Again. Circle, square, squircle, square, balbus, baronium rings.

Patient?

[music]

[Beep] Circle.

[Electricity buzzes] Aah!

[Beep] Squircle.

[Electricity buzzes] Aah!

[Beep] Square.

[Electricity buzzes] [Gasps]

He shouldn't be getting shocked yet. He's getting them all right.

You must be wearing a piece of metal.

He's got a wedding ring on. Please take that off.

Bea: Doctor, that's it. He's married.

- We should probably start there. - Fantastic idea!

Let's gather the rest of the team, shall we?

Patient? Hey. Would you come with me, please?

[music]

Buddygram delivered.

T.E.R.R.Y.!

T.E.R.R.Y.: Randy, this is exactly how it looks.

Why would you catfist me?

- Catfish. - C-Catfish me? Rargh! [Bang]

I couldn't take it anymore. That's why.

Every night, it's the same thing.

I mean, the lights go off, you start crying.

Sure, sometimes you cry and then masturbate.

Sometimes you just masturbate, but that hand.

Yeah, it ... it's gotten pretty loud.

I guess I should oil it down a little.

I only wanted to give you some hope.

Maybe if you thought 88 wanted to be your friend,

he could listen to you masturbate.

No.

I mean, at the very least, who doesn't like hoagies?

Damn it, T.E.R.R.Y...

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

- And I guess what I've learned is that ... - Okay, everyone.

Randy, congratulations. You're getting married.

- Bea, help him get ready. 88! - Yes!

- We got to get changed. - Okay... Ah!

[Piano plays]

? Honor, riches, marriage, blessing ?

? Long continuance and increasing ?

? Hourly joys be still upon you ?

? Juno sings her blessings on you ?

- ? Nothing breaks our wave, my love ? - Oh!

[Indistinct whispering]

[music]

? Coldest nights are ours, my love ?

[music]

- You look beautiful. - ? ... a hurtful truth ?

This feels right.

- Who are you? - Shh. We're starting.

So, I guess we should begin. Please, sit.

Well, thank you, friends.

We are gathered here today with friends from near and online.

Marriage is, um, from what I've read,

is supposed to be an institution of love and respect

and ... and ... and hopefully very memorable.

Uh, with that said, 88, may we have the ring, please?

[music]

Yeah.

N-N...

[Swallows]

- Oh [bleep]. - Oh.

Um, well, I guess, nice try, everyone. It's okay.

[Sighs] So, I've never been to a wedding.

Me either.

- Me neither. - Not I.

- Nope. - I've been to a couple.

Well, what is supposed to happen next?

Uh, we'll put the chairs back in the truck and...

- there was an open bar. - Well... Ahmed, open the bar.

- Let's party. - ? It's electric ?

[Marcia Griffiths' "Electric Boogie" playing]

- Mmm. - Mmm!

[rhytmic steps]

Yeah.

But what is the white squidgy ... Did you make this?

Uh, bread, and no. No, I ... I had it brought in special.

Mmm. And how about this, uh, creamy, um, yellow thing?

Egg. Just egg.

And also the whole thing? What is the whole...?

I call them a hoagie. Some people call it a grinder,

submarine sandwich ... "sub" for short.

Or a crippled cat's leg, paradise log,

bread flaps, God's tonsils.

I've heard it called John man's lips.

- But I am a fan. - Mmm! Oh, you and me both.

Yeah.

[Both laugh]

- Mission accomplished. - ? Here, there, and everywhere ?

[Distorted "Electric Boogie" playing]

[Distorted] ? Let me take you on a party ride ?

? Somewhere in the clouds ?

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