Original subtitles

- All right, who's ready to have a good time, huh?

That's right. That's what I like to hear.

Uh, show of hands, how many people have, uh,

been to a taping of a TV show before?

- Thank you. Okay.

Just remember: "The movie's hilarious.

Everyone buy tickets."

- Let me ask you a question. - Yeah.

- Do you think I'm good in the movie?

- Come on, Kev. I'm your agent. Of course I think you're good

in the movie. You know who else thinks you're good in the movie?

The studio.

Now go knock 'em dead. Big smiles, big laughs.

America's funny man.

- And, uh, we're gonna have a great time, all right?

- "America's funny man."

- Oh, now, Kev, people are just raving

about this new movie of yours. - Oh, my God, they're raving.

- You are working with

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

playing his comedy sidekick again.

What is this, the sixth time now?

- Number six.

- How do you keep it so fresh?

- I mean, look, Dwayne and I are, um...

You know, we're friends.

- #Jealous. - Lucky.

- He's lucky, too. He's lucky, too.

But I mean, look, when you are friends,

you feed off of each other.

That energy, of course, transfers, but, uh,

I don't know, I would like to think of my, my characters

as, as heroes, as well.

I-I don't know what the...

I don't know why they laugh.

I'm very serious.

You know, I've-I've actually... I've been...

I've been trying to become a leading man, you know?

Do more of an action star thing.

But I've been... I've been somewhat typecast.

For some reason, people only see me as the funny guy.

- You make me laugh. - Yeah. - No. Thank you. Glad...

Glad, you know, appreciate it. - I'm not an easy audience.

- Yeah, you know, but it's just... It's... I can do more

than show up and do the funny or do the dance. I'm...

- Would you, though? - Would you do that dance?

- Come on. - Come on.

Who wants to see Kevin dance?

Huh?

- We'll get the Macarena going. Anybody?

- We would love that. - No.

No.

I'm not... I'm not gonna dance.

- Next time. Next time, then, for sure.

- Oh, dear. - Uh, but getting back to the movie,

t-tell-tell us just how great this movie is.

- The, uh, the movie's garbage.

- Sorry.

- Yeah. The movie's garbage.

Take the movie, ball it up,

throw it in the trash can.

How many times do you need to see me

in a car with Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson,

and I'm the comedy sidekick, and he's saving lives,

and I got a catchphrase: "Oh, hell no!"?

- We love it when you say that.

- Oh, yeah. Can you do it again? - Yeah.

- Here's my question: why can't I be an action star?

- I read something online

a-about, uh, you being

afraid of woodland creatures. - Oh, yes.

- About me what? - A beaver?

It was a s-squirrel. A squirrel. - A squirrel. It was a squirrel.

-Yes, that you have a fear of squirrels.

- And who's afraid of a squirrel?

- I'm not fucking afraid of a squirrel!

- Okay. - I'm not afraid of shit.

- Okay, you've said it. You've made your point there.

- I'm not afraid of shit. - Yeah.

- And I'm more than just the guy that does comedy.

I'm a fucking action star, all right?

So why don't you start taking me a little serious?

Tell me what I am and what I'm not.

If I didn't have what the fuck it takes, would I show this?

Or that?

Back up! - Yup.

- Whoa, Kev, Kev, Kev. Kev, hey.

You got to go back out there, say it was a joke.

- Talking about "it was a joke"? You don't get it, man.

All right? I'm trying to be taken seriously.

My whole life, I've dreamed of becoming an action hero.

- Well, you know, maybe instead of dreaming,

you should just stay in your own lane.

- What the fuck did you just say?

- What are you doing?

- It was a bit. We were doing a bit.

- I'm not afraid of [bleep]. - Okay, you've said it.

You've made your point there. - I'm not afraid of [bleep].

- Yeah. - And I'm more than just

the guy that does comedy.

I'm a [bleep] action star, all right?

So why don't you start [bleep]?

- That was our star Kevin Hart,

and apparently he's... going through something.

- To say the least. You don't see Tom Cruise...

- I already know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say, "Apologize," and then after that if I go...

- No, no, no. Kev, it's too late to apologize.

The studio already removed you from the fucking billboard.

- So I'm done? Just like that, I'm done?

- Maybe not.

Claude Van De Velde wants to meet with you.

- Claude Van De Velde? You're talking about the director?

- Yes. Claude Van De Velde,

director of four of the six biggest action movies

of all time, saw the interview and wants to meet.

- Why? What-what...?

You know what? It don't matter.

It d... It doesn't even fucking matter. I'm there, okay?

I'm there.

Oh, shit.

- I have seen all your films.

I like all your films, but you, Kevin--

you don't like your films. - Wow, you can tell, huh?

- Of course I can tell.

You and I-- we are the same.

My movies have grossed billions of dollars.

- Mm. - Who cares?

- Yeah, I mean, it's not about the money, right?

- It is about finding yourself inside an artistic expression.

- Yes.

- I want to find you, Kevin.

Will you let me find you?

- You found me. I'm right here, man.

- My next project is a serious, gritty action film.

It requires a serious, gritty actor.

You, Kevin.

I want you in the leading role.

- Holy shit, man. You got to be... - Oh.

- Excuse you.

Watch it, man. - My apologies, sir.

- Mark Wahlberg would not scream at a party server.

- Oh, I didn't scream. I didn't... I didn't scream...

- An action star is tough, confident,

unfazed by minor details that disrupt the average layperson.

- Yeah, I... I was unfazed.

I wasn't fazed at all from that. - If you really want this part,

I need you to attend a training program.

All the best action stars have gone through it.

- I don't... You're talking, like, an action star school?

- Stallone. Van Damme.

Steven Seagal.

Jackie Chan. They're all alums.

- Wow. I just kind of assumed all those guys had the...

had the juice,

the mojo. - Do you remember

what Matt Damon was before he was Jason Bourne?

- Yeah, he-he'd just won an Oscar.

- Neither do I. This program turned a no-name Matt Damon

into a leading man revered around the world.

- Look, with all due respect, I don't need that.

I don't, I don't need none of that.

I'm ready now.

I'm ready right now.

- Down here, Kevin.

You don't think you need training,

you want the part right now.

Well, your new part is waiting for you on that rooftop.

Go and get it!

Oh, shit!

Help! Help me!

Help me! - So good.

He's doing his famous "Help me" scene

from Ride Along 2. - Help me! Help me!

Help!

- Look, Kev, I don't love the idea

of you driving out to the middle of nowhere

to go to some... - Action star school.

- Right, yes. That, Kev.

Maybe we just wait a little longer.

Eventually, the studios will forget how badly you fucked up,

and they'll offer you a new sidekick role.

- No. This is my time to shine!

You believe in me, don't you?

Don't you?

Danny? You believe in...

Oh, shit.

Damn reception.

Oh, hell, no.

Ron Wilcox?

Shit.

Don't be a bitch, Kevin.

Be Academy Award-winning Matt Damon.

Get the fuck off my car.

Um, hello?

Anybody here?

Claude Van De Velde sent me.

- No, no. You tell me what you want to tell me.

Why are you here?

Why are you here? - Where's my nephew Rodrigo?

- Uh, fellas? - What do you mean, where's your nephew?

I don't know where the fuck your nephew is.

- Hey!

Excuse me. - Now you don't trust me?

- I know you murdered my nephew Rodrigo.

- Bullshit, motherfucker!

I didn't murder Rodrigo.

Look, you got your money, I got my shipment.

I don't know where Rodrigo is. - Oh.

- Maybe he's fucking your mother.

- Our training has already begun. Oh.

Okay. Uh...

- Oh, you-you... Oh, come on!

Bring it! Bring it!

Come on! Bring that bat, motherfucker!

- Hey!

You want to push somebody around, try me out.

- Hey, and what are you? A tough guy?

- Goddamn right I'm a tough guy.

North Philadelphia tough.

I'm Kevin motherfucking...

- Oh.

Episode2

- Welcome to Ron Wilcox's Action Star School.

I'm Ron Wilcox, and that was your first lesson.

- Getting hit in the head with a bat?

- Oh, you are naive. That was a prop bat.

It was made of plastic. - Wasn't goddamn plastic.

I've been hit with a bat before.

I know what a metal bat fucking feel like.

- All right, hey. Mr. Van De Velde told me to tell him

if you complain about anything being too difficult.

- No. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not complaining.

- Mm-hmm. - I'm not complaining about nothing. I loved that.

- Mm-hmm. - I thought it was great,

to be honest with you. Gave me a rush. - Good. Let's take the tour.

- Yeah. - Come on.

This place used to be a slaughterhouse

up until the '70s, and then, as legend has it,

the animals revolted against their tormentors

and they slaughtered the humans.

- Oh, my God. - And my pal Charles Norris--

you know him as Chuck-- well, he needed a place to train.

- Mm-hmm. - I bought it, I mentored him.

And that's why he's the badass that he is today.

Yeah.

He nearly died within these walls.

And that's how Ron Wilcox's Action Star School got born.

- Ron Wilcox's ASS for short.

- What the fuck did you just say to me?

- Did Matt get... Matt Damon go here?

Oh, Matty boy!

Fuck yeah!

Matt Damon. Before he came to me,

he was a no-name actor from New England.

He was nothing. He was 100 pounds soaking wet.

- Uh, you sure we're talking about the same Matt Damon?

- Hell yeah. Matt Damon.

- Huh. Okay.

Yeah. If you say... - Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

Rule number one: no phones till you graduate.

- Okay, I-I run an empire, so unfortunately, I need my...

- Okay, fine. You know what I'll do?

I'll just call Mr. Van De Velde, and I'll tell him, "Oh,

"the phone policy wasn't working for him.

It-it wasn't to his liking."

- I never s... - I know what you're gonna do with this.

You're gonna make calls to Hollywood, you're gonna say,

"Hello, Hollywood, Ron's school is too tough for me.

I need more drugs."

- No. - Yeah. You're gonna say,

"Oh, I'm Kevin Hart. I need more caviar and champagne."

- I just want to talk to my employees.

- That's fine, but I'm still keeping it.

- Okay.

- Okay. Until you graduate, you are forbidden

from visiting the outside world.

You'll stay here.

- Say what? - You got your bed,

you got your toilet, you got your sink.

All the modern amenities.

- Okay. It's supposed to toughen me up.

Okay, I get it.

Yeah. I'm good with that.

Yeah.

Might be a little too good with it.

- And rule number two: no fucking on the premises.

No anal, no blowjobs, no nothing.

- Who else is here?

- Just me.

- So those-those two Colombian guys that hit me

in the head with the prop bat, they were actors, right?

- Yeah. Exactly.

Okay, rule number three:

when you're under this roof, your name is no longer Kevin.

It's Agent Hart.

And you'll refer to me

as Ron Wilcox or Ron or Wilcox or Coach Ron.

- I like Coach Ron. - And I refer to you as?

- Agent Hart. Right? See, I'm on it. - Right. Yes.

- Now I assume you got me in this FBI jacket and stuff

for a reason, so what is it? - Hey.

Uh, would you do me a favor? - Yeah.

- Uh, Kevin, would you grab that chair for me?

- Yeah, you need this one?

- No, goddamn it!

I said respond only to "Agent Hart."

- Fuck.

You just said that. I fucked up.

I'm sorry. That's not gonna happen again.

Why don't you just call me Kevin?

- Okay, in your life, have you ever heard

an action star leading man ever called "Kevin"?

- I mean, Kevin James in Mall Cop. -No, no.

- Kevin is the name of a punk bitch.

Ethan Hunt. That is an action star name.

Tom Cruise-- who's my alumni-- for nine years of his life,

he only responded to "Ethan Hunt."

Whether he was on camera

or off camera, whether he was... - Wow.

- ...in the shower or on the toilet, whether he was fucking

or not fucking. - All right, okay.

I fuck-- I understand, Coach Ron.

- Do you? Do you really?

I hope so.

For your sake, 'cause your life depends on it.

Okay, next lesson.

Every leading man needs to know how to run

into a burning building and save a stranger.

- Mm.

Wow.

Holy shit, how'd you do that? - And the stranger

that we are going to save today is our own Action Star dummy

Lil Kevin.

- That supposed to be me?

- I don't see the resemblance.

- Are you fucking kidding... - No, w--

We-we've had this dummy for years, buddy.

- Oh, hell no!

- Bitch, that's my line.

I've said that line in, like, 12 movies.

- Agent Hart, are you a narcissist?

- No. - Do you think the whole world is all about you?

- That's not, I'm not... - No, no.

You look at you and then you look at him.

- That's why I... - Look at you and look at him.

Do you see any resemblance?

- Kinda sorta, man.

O-Okay. All right, okay.

Maybe I'm crazy.

- Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no! Help!

Help me! Oh, hell no!

- Now, safety during stunts is of the utmost importance.

- Yeah, but I mean, that's why you got stuntmen, right?

- Watch it.

- No, for the other guys. Not for me.

The-the lightweights. I don't...

- Okay. Your jacket is flame-retardant,

which means that if you catch on fire,

don't panic, I will come in and put you out.

- Okay. Y-You're gonna...

Ok-- I feel, I feel good, I feel good about that.

- When you're ready, I want you to storm the house,

find the victim and bring him to safety.

What is that?

What are you doing? I-I don't...

I don't...

- Psyching myself up.

It's hot.

Hot.

It's fucking hot! Where the fuck are you at?

Oh, God. Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.

Lil Kev?

- Excuse me?

Are you Ron Wilcox? - Well, hello.

How are you? - Jordan King.

- We've been waiting for you.

- Help! Help me! - I got you, buddy.

I got you, Little Kev! - Oh, hell no!

- I'm about to save your little beautiful black ass.

- Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no!

- What the fuck? - Help! Help me!

- Who's this? What the...? - Oh, hell no!

- Oh! - Help! Help me!

Oh, hell no! - It's fucking hot!

- Help! Help me! - Get your ass up.

- Yeah, um, I'm just so nervous.

I've never been in an action movie before.

I just want bring my A game here.

- Oh, shit! Oh, shit! - 90% is mental, okay?

- It's hot! It's hot! - You are gonna be fantastic.

- Coach Ron! - I just know it.

- Oh, shit, is he okay?

- Oh, Christ, you leave this guy alone for five seconds. Geez.

- Put me out! Put me out, put me out, put me out!

Episode3 Is he okay?

- Oh, he's fine.

When Gal Gadot was training with me,

she was on fire for 12 minutes.

She put herself out with a blanket.

He barely lasted 12 seconds.

- This is funny to you? - Hey.

A leading man must learn not to sweat the small stuff.

- What are you talking about, the small stuff?

I was on fucking fire,

Coach Ron! - Hey! Knock it off.

There's a lady present, and I want you to meet her.

Agent Hart, this is Agent Jordan King.

She'll be your bunkmate.

- It is a pleasure to meet you. My pleasure.

Okay, you want to explain to me why she gets

this nice introduction?

Why isn't she getting hit in the head with a bat?

When you gonna bop her?

- Excuse me? - Okay, you know...

Just, when he does this kind of thing,

I just zone him out, when he starts to whine.

Come on, I'll give you a tour. - Okay.

- Now, this used to be a slaughterhouse years ago,

up till the '70s.

This brings me to rule number two:

there will be no sexual intercourse on the premises.

- Uh, yeah, um, that won't be a problem.

- I didn't think it would be.

- I know you have to say it.

It-it's fine, we're good.

- All right. So, hey, take a beat.

Okay? Relax, and we'll see you out in 20

on the training ground, okay?

- Thanks, Ron. You're the best.

- Hey. It's a pleasure.

- Dude is a fucking sociopath.

- How do you mean?

- How do I mean?

Do you really want to know how I mean?

'Cause I was here a couple days ago when shit hit the fan.

There was a guy in here accusing him

of murdering some dude named Rodrigo.

- Rodrigo? - Yes, Rodrigo.

Saw the whole thing. And, when I first walked in this bitch,

they hit me in the head with a bat.

Not no plastic bat. With a fucking metal bat.

And today, today, he let me catch myself on fire.

- "Let me catch myself on fire."

- I don't know why you got to sound it out. Yes.

Let me catch--

No, I see right there, that, 'cause if you slow it down...

You slow it down, it don't sound right,

but you get what I'm saying.

It happened. It fucking happened.

Look, I'm sorry, all right? It's just,

I don't have my phone, it's weird in here.

Stuff is just starting to fuck with me.

Maybe, maybe I'm going a little stir-crazy.

I don't know.

Mmm-- That's shit.

It's shit water.

Yep. Goddamn it.

- Well, you're not alone anymore. So...

- Yeah, well, maybe, but...

Hey, do I know you?

- Uh...

- I do!

Fuck! You're the girl from that sitcom, with the robot.

The robot that was a butler, right?

You used to argue with the butler.

"Uh-uh, get the fuck out of here, bu..."

You'd do the thing. "Butler bitch."

Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

That's me. - Wow.

- Well, was. I just quit.

Kathryn Bigelow offered me the lead

in her next movie, which is huge...

- Get out. - ...since there are, like,

what, three total action roles for women?

- Well, it's a lot more than that, but congrats.

Are you-- I mean, want me to name 'em?

Let me go down the list.

You got Wonder Woman, right? You have the Black Widow.

You got, um... What's the one, with the woman?

With the, uh...

She's, uh...

The-- What's... That's three.

- Anyway, um, it's all riding on this action school.

Just got to prove to Ron that I've got the chops,

that I'm fit enough.

- You ain't got to prove that to nobody. You are fit.

When you walked in that door, I said, "Goddamn."

Not like that.

I'm not saying it like that.

I don't mean it that way.

- I'm just here to train,

not make friends. - Yeah.

- So, just to be clear.

- We're-we're here for the same thing, right? Fuck friendship.

- Good. - Yeah.

- Mind if I use the bathroom?

- Do what you got to do. Bathroom right there.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna need you to just...

- Oh. You got to shit.

- Now, in this lesson,

we're going to focus and explore the action star's motivations.

Agent King. What is your motivation?

- After working undercover in Paris,

I go down to the basement of the Louvre,

where I thwart the theft of an ancient Egyptian artifact,

when I'm accosted by a rogue agent.

- Good. Agent Hart?

- "Accost"? That's a little strong, isn't it?

- What the fuck?

Focus. Focus.

And...?

- Okay, all right. I'm-I'm an agent.

- Yes. - I'm an agent, and,

um, basically, I got to, I got to go get

Agent King-- I got to seduce,

I got to seduce Agent King in the basement of the Louvre.

And wh-- Just a question, is this, like, some James Bond

fan fiction or something? What...? - And action.

Agent King?

- Who wants to know?

- Agent Hart.

Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.

Not so fast.

Look, you're in great danger.

And the only cure for it is to come with me to my bedroom.

- Seduce her, goddamn it!

Seduce her!

Lure her into the car!

- Get in my car.

Get in my car?

Fucking creep.

- What'd you call...?

What the fuck was that? - Beautiful, beautiful.

Keep going, keep going.

- What the fuck you mean, "keep going"?

What the fuck, man? - You have a problem, Agent Hart?

- Yeah, I got a problem, motherfucker. - What is it?

- She's Bruce Lee and I'm some weird creeper.

- Oh, it's too challenging for you to seduce her. Is that it?

- Uh, yes, it is, when you got me looking...

I see what you're doing.

You're trying to get me all riled up.

It's not gonna work.

I'm not falling for your little trap,

and I'm not going back over here to fight

this fucking jiujitsu master with sexy talk.

- Oh. You want a change of motivation.

- Yeah, I do. - Okay. This is your new motivation.

She's a Russian mole pretending to be an FBI agent.

You eliminate her with this.

It's a prop knife, right?

- Retractable.

Now go in there and show her who's boss.

- Now we're fucking talking.

You say she a Russian mole, right?

Okay. I don't like that.

Down goes the mole. Huh?

Shit. Goddamn it.

Hey. I'm about to stab you in a sec, okay?

Wait a minute.

It's a prop knife. Knock it off-- No.

Ow! What the... Oh, oh, you got to sell it,

make it look real.

Fuck! Ow!

- What the fuck?!

- Real blood.

- Oh, my God. - What have you done to her?

What have you done to her?

- I'm so sorry. I thought,

I thought you said it was a retractable.

- Oh, God. - I said it was "practical."

It's a practical knife! It's a real knife!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God, she's passing out.

- Oh, shit. - I'm gonna have to stitch her up.

- I've got a medical kit in my office.

- All right, I'll go grab it. - No.

-Ow, ow, ow. -Go to your room!

You're grounded!

- No. What are you talking about? I'll go grab it.

- No!

My office is off-limits to students.

I said my office is off-limits.

If you disobey me again,

the next time I throw that knife,

it'll be through your fucking skull.

Episode4 Hey.

I brought you some breakfast as a peace offering.

Food here is a little tricky.

It's just a closet full of beef jerky.

Apparently, Macho Man Randy Savage was an alum here,

and he left his entire food supply to Ron in his will, so,

snap into a Slim Jim?

- Care to join me for breakfast?

- Of course.

Jerky for two.

Um... look,

I wanted to apologize.

You know, I didn't mean to... - Stab me?

- Well, I wasn't gonna use those words.

Look, Ron-Ron is crazy.

I'm serious. He's-he's nuts.

Sick-in-the-head crazy.

And I'm convinced that that motherfucker killed

a dude named Rodrigo.

And the motherfucker tried to kill me

just for being around his office.

And as far as your arm goes, I know you think I'm lying...

I heard "retractable."

- You know, I've dated guys like you before.

It's always someone else's fault.

- That's not true.

That's not true at all. When I'm wrong, I...

I shouldn't say that 'cause I'm never wrong.

If... if I'm wrong,

I have no problem admitting that I'm wrong.

But in this case, I'm not. He said "retractable."

- Hey, part of me is glad you stabbed me.

It's a badge of honor.

I heard when Jason Statham came through here,

he got stabbed directly in the heart.

- Did he survive that?

- He shot Transporter, like, a week later.

- What the fuck?

In the heart? They stabbed him in the heart?

- Yep, right through it. - Goddamn it.

Maybe I'm just doing the wrong fucking thing here.

I mean...

...maybe this just isn't for me, you know?

- So, just leave.

Go home. I'm sure there's

a real hero somewhere in need of a goofy sidekick.

- Okay, uh, that backfired.

I thought that you would go the opposite direction

and tell me that, no, I should stay,

and that this is for me.

That's what I... thought...

- Well, what do you want me to say?

If you need extra motivation to be the star

of a Claude Van De Velde movie...

uh, you're in the wrong business.

This is probably my only shot to be a big action star, so

I'm not gonna blow it.

I'll do anything it takes.

- You're right.

You are absolutely right.

I need to stop all the bitching and moaning,

and I need to cowboy the fuck up.

- There you go.

- When I first started in the business,

training action stars,

every stunt scene was practical.

Or, as Kevin might say, "retractable."

- Oh, that's really good. That's great.

It's not funny. - But the industry has changed.

You can't even be an action star without,

well, knowing how to work green.

- Uh, I'm very familiar with the green screen.

I mean, I've done about 15 movies

where we've had a green screen.

- In which of those 15 movies were you the leading man?

Any idiot can jump on a green screen

and pretend to be eaten by a CG dragon.

Hell, even Little Kevin can do that.

- Oh, hell no!

- Okay, who's finding the time to dress him like me?

It's really... - Okay, question.

What does a leading woman or a leading man

get to do on-screen that sidekicks don't?

- Win fights. - Uh, murder bad guys.

- Make love.

Today's lesson is in lovemaking.

- Yes!

On the green screen?

Are we doing it on the green screen?

- Bingo. - Nice.

Adding effects to the bed, to the wall, just cracking 'em.

- Okay, I'm gonna be candid.

I-I don't want to do a sex scene with him.

- That's fine, 'cause I don't want

to do a sex scene with her. Ugh.

What's so funny? - Okay, well, look at you,

and then look at her.

And look at you, then her.

Then you, then her. - Okay.

I don't get the joke. What is...? What-what am I missing?

- All right, let me put it another way. Uh...

Look at you, and then look at her.

Then look at you, and then her.

- Can we just get this shit over with, please?

- Okay, let's discuss motivation.

All right, now...

after almost killing each other,

Agent Hart and Agent King

discover that they're on the same team.

After diffusing a bomb,

at the top of a skyscraper,

in-in the middle of an earthquake,

they discover this overwhelming passion for each other.

- Wait, wait, wait. We-We're at the top of a skyscraper

in the middle of an earthquake?

- Yes! Yes! Goddamn it!

You are the dumbest actor that I've ever worked with!

Go! Action!

Red wire... or blue wire?

- It's got to be the red. - Are you sure?

Agent Hart, are you sure?

- I don't know.

- Earthquake. Earthquake!

The building's falling apart!

- Oh, okay, um... - Oh, okay.

- Good, great.

- Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, shit!

Hold on! Wait! Oh!

Where you at? Wait, wait, wait, wait.- Kevin.

- Hold on, wait, give me a second! Shit!

- Okay. - Okay, all right.

Come on, it's an earthquake. It's an earthquake.

Go. - Yeah.

- Go. - Agent Hart,

I can't believe we just diffused that bomb.

We just saved thousands of lives, maybe millions.

- This earthquake's got to be about a 7.5 magnitude.

This could be our last time being together before we die.

- Now kiss her neck softly and start fucking.

- What...? Wait.

Kiss-kiss her neck and then start fucking?

- Kiss her neck softly and start fucking!

- Oh, okay. He... - Uh...

- I'm just gonna do it 'cause that's what he s...

- Yeah, no, it's fine. - Yeah, let me put your...

Give me that. - Be sexy! Do something!

- Grab my leg. - Okay, give me this one.

- Have you never had sex before?! Do it!

- That's not... - We need... All right.

One second. That's it. - I think we got it.

- Go! Go!

- Agent Hart, no. We shouldn't do this.

It's against Bureau protocol.

- Well, protocol was meant to be broken.

Help! Help! Don't drop me! Don't drop me!

Please don't let go! Don't let go!

- I won't! I got you! - Don't let go!

- I've got you, I promise!

- Can you push in a little closer?

- Help me! Help me!

I'm too young to die!

- Any closer, they'll see the cameras.

- Okay, good. Hold there.

- I got you. - Perfect.

- Help! - Kevin, you're, like, one foot

off the ground. - You cannot teach acting like that.

- I'm just gonna let you down, okay?

- Aah!

Episode5 Okay, lights out, 20 minutes.

No funny business.

And no fucking.

- Now do you believe me?

He's a fucking psychopath.

- Okay. It does seem like an odd coincidence

your wires just snapped.

- It's no coincidence. It's absurd.

Those lines are strong enough to hold a goddamn elephant.

Where's your phone at?

- He confiscated it.

Kevin. He said lights out. We can't leave.

- He's not my camp counselor.

You know what I'm-a do?

I'm about to go, I'm about to get my phone back,

and I'm-a see what other weird shit

he hiding in his office that he don't want me to see.

- Kevin... don't.

- Ronnie, baby. - Mon garçon.

- Have a seat. - Ah.

- Uh, pull up scene 12, please.

Have a seat.

- This is a bad idea. - It's a good idea.

Wilcox won't murder me in front of you.

Come on. There's his office, come on.

Shit. - Do you have a bobby pin?

- Yeah. Yeah. It's in the bun on the back of my fucking head.

- Okay, don't be an asshole.

I'll find a paper clip. Excuse me.

- Wait, you know how to pick a lock?

- South Side of Chicago, born and raised.

- It's not North Philadelphia,

but I'm not gonna hold it against you.

- Got it. - Hey.

- Where the fuck are you at?

Oh, God. Oh, fuck, I can't see shit.

Where you at?

- Help! Help me! - I got you, Little Kev!

- Oh, hell no!

- Aah!

- Help! - It's fucking hot!

- Whoa.

- You damn right. It is authentic.

- He doesn't even know he's being filmed. - Exactly.

I have been chasing for this cinema verité style

of realistic hard action filmmaking for years.

It is my white whale, my unicorn.

All I needed was an actor who was fragile,

vulnerable, afraid of being forgotten.

Afraid of being forgotten.

Thank you, Kevin.

You're a gift. Thank you.

Thank you.

Any questions, uh, for tomorrow's scenes?

- Oh, no, uh...

Whoa, I'm so... je suis fatigué!

I should get back to the set, so... bonsoir.

- Bonsoir. - J'aime beaucoup.

- Merci.

Again.

- Hey, can I... can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.

- So, you... you remember earlier today

when we were shooting the scene on green screen?

Like, like, right before the wires snapped?

You kind of seemed like you was...

like you were really into it.

- It's called acting.

- Yeah, you were acting like you wanted to kiss me.

- Yes.

- Got it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Come on. Let's go.

- Fuck. Stealing my shit.

Hollywood bitch.

- You got anything?

- No. You?

- He's got a drawer full of old headshots.

- Oh.

- "Coach Ron, you are the bright light

in the darkest parts of my soul."

The fuck does that mean?

- We should get out of here soon.

- No, we shouldn't. I know there's some stuff in here

that he don't want us to see. Just got to look for it.

Probably got one of them, like, secret compartments somewhere.

Got it.

Bingo.

- Holy shit.

- Here. I got another lock for you to pick.

- What do you think's in there? - I don't know.

Some shit that he don't want nobody to find.

Shit.

- I'll get your ass.

Oh.

Isn't this interesting?

Well, I know that you're both pretending to be asleep.

And that's fine. It's probably the best

acting that either of you will ever do

in your entire lives.

Especially you, Agent Hart.

But if I find out that either of you

left this bunk without my permission,

you'll regret the day you ever stepped into

Ron Wilcox's Action Star School.

If you weren't fake sleeping, you would have woken up.

- Holy shit. That was too close.

- You're telling me?

Episode6 Kevin, come on. Open it later.

We're supposed to be at the soundstage.

- I'm almost there. Wait a second.

Shit.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

It's a necklace.

It's got "RBG."

"R" is for "Rodrigo."

That guy that he murdered.

- Ugh, Jesus, Kevin, give it a rest.

You've got to sneak that shit back into his office

before he figures out you stole it.

- Rise and shine! Let's go!

Come on! Let's go! - Shit.

Put this on your side.

- All right, class.

It's a fun day today.

It's a big day.

Behind that door,

I got a very big surprise for you.

- We get to see daylight for the first time?

- Nope. Any other guesses?

- Gonna open the door up and a panther gonna come through

and maul us to death?

- Getting warmer. You're getting warmer.

- Why am I getting warmer?

- A source of protein other than beef jerky?

That would be great. - Watch this.

- Unbelievable. Please. - Some fruit, like a smoothie?

- Josh Hartnett!

- Hey!

- Hey! - Ooh, ooh! Look out, look out!

Ooh.

- Get off me.

- My favorite alumni.

Class, third week, April 1999. - Aw.

Come on. That's... - Come on.

- Oh, my God.

Is it possible that you're too beautiful?

- Um, yeah.

Kiss my, um...

You smile a lot.

- What the fuck did you just say? - I...

- Kev, I'm so glad you're here, man.

This is gonna change your life.

I mean, when Ron finished with me,

I shot Pearl Harbor, Black Hawk Down, Hollywood Homicide.

- Right? - Should've probably left the last one out.

- When I first came here, I was nothing!

I was, like, 100 pounds soaking wet.

By the time I was out of here, I felt invincible.

I felt like...

Academy Award winner Matt Damon or some shit.

- You're too much.

He's too much. Why don't you guys catch up?

And, Agent King... - Yes.

- ...let's talk motivation.

- Bye.

- Nice to meet you.

Kev.

How's it going so far, man?

- It is not going good.

This place is like a prison. Do you hear me?

And I think Coach Ron is trying to kill me.

- Come on. That's just his way. Look at him.

He's a teddy bear. - He ain't no teddy bear!

He's the complete opposite of a teddy bear.

And I believe he murdered somebody.

I think he murdered a Colombian drug lord.

I think he did it. A guy named Rodrigo was here.

- Oh, God, man. - I think... I think he murdered someone.

- You crack me up, Kev.

Oh, you're serious? - Yes, I'm serious.

I went snooping around in his office,

and I think I found a keepsake from the murder.

It was a necklace. It's got "RBG."

- Ron murdered someone and kept a necklace?

Like... Dexter?

- Josh, listen to me. - Yeah.

- We need to call the cops.

- Okay. - We need to get the people from out there to come in here.

- Okay. - I'm talking about the feds, the D.A.

- What are we whispering about?

- Nothing.

We're talking about workouts. I told him my workout,

his workout. It's nothing much.

We're not talking about nothing. - How's my goddaughter?

- Oh, man, she is growing like a weed.

Look at this. - Oh, yeah? Let's see that.

- Goddaughter? - Let's see that.

Oh! Aw! - Look at her.

She misses her Uncle Ronny, though. - Well, you tell her

that her Uncle Ronny misses that little pumpkin head, too.

- Yeah.

Hey. Hey.

Why the sad face? Are you okay?

- I'm fine. I'm fine.

I can't find my special necklace.

The one that I had custom-made with "RBG"--

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

- It's okay. It's okay. - Yeah.

She's my favorite Supreme Court justice.

I mean, I love her dissenting opinions.

Let me tell you something-- if I find out that someone stole it, I'll kill 'em.

I'll kill 'em!

- Hey, you have to think positive thoughts.

We're gonna find it.

It's gonna turn up soon.

I promise you.

It's gonna turn up soon.

- Today, we're doing firearm stunts.

We've got Officer Hartnett, who is a corrupt cop who's gone rogue.

We've got Agent King and Agent Hart.

You finally found him in this chop shop.

And this is where the shoot-out will take place.

Now, here is your gun. - Nice.

- Don't you ever accept a gun like that!

It's always from the back.

- You passed it to me frontwards.

- That was a test. You failed.

Now, these firearms are loaded, okay?

So please be careful how you handle them.

- Well, we don't have to be that careful,

'cause there's... there's blanks in 'em, right?

Not loaded loaded, just...

They're blanks, correct?

No. Coach Ron, that's not gonna do it for me.

I need a verbal confirmation that it's blanks in this gun.

- What do you think? - Yes or no, are there blanks in this gun?

- Come on, Kevin. Get your head in the game, man.

- Josh, my head's in the game. I'm just trying to be safe.

And he still didn't say yes or no.

- Yes.

- Yes. You heard him. - Okay.

Everyone in wardrobe. I'll see you in ten right back here.

We start the shoot-out.

Let's go, let's go, let's go!

- Hey, what are you doing?

Get into costume. - No.

Not me. I'm not doing it.

- Kevin, you're being paranoid.

We all heard him say they were blanks.

- My gun has blanks.

I guarantee you that. But I bet you Josh...

he's got a fully loaded fucking pistol.

Now, Ron already tried to kill me once.

Right now, he's probably willing to go all the fucking way.

I'm not doing it.

Try to make it look like a goddamn accident.

That's exactly what he'll do.

"Kevin Hart accidentally killed

in Ron Wilcox's Action School."

No, thank you.

- First of all, Josh would never do that.

He is sweet and sensitive.

I bet he's tender.

Probably.

- Okay, what the fuck is over there?

Huh? I bet he's none of those things.

He and Ron, they're like this.

Fucking godfather to his kids.

Didn't say shit about that.

And they know I got the necklace! - So put it back.

- I can't put it back, 'cause it's too late.

They know I got the goddamn necklace.

You know what, it's not safe for me here.

I got to go. - Oh, so you're just gonna give up

on your lifelong dream because you're afraid of getting shot?

- Fuck that dream!

Hey, look, I'm leaving.

You got a choice.

Come with me.

- Uh...

I can't.

I'm sorry.

This is my shot.

- I understand.

It is your shot, and you deserve it.

- Okay.

Nice.

- Turn the other. - All right, here we go.

One, two, three. - And go.

- Yes!

- What a dick.

Where the fuck is my car?

You got to be kidding me.

Oh!

Motherfucker!

Oh!

He killed my car.

He killed my fucking car.

- Kevin! Kevin!

Where are you?!

Come out, come out, wherever you are! - Oh, shit. Shit.

Shit.

Episode7 Goddamn it!

Motherfucking squirrels! Shit!

Get your ass out of here! Shoo!

Go, squirrel!

Motherfucker.

You better get your ass back! You hear me?

I ain't scared of you.

You better keep it over there, 'fore you get hurt.

You bring it over here, you'll get what you want. Shit. Oh.

I see you. I ain't take my eye off you.

I got you locked in.

Stay back!

Stupid woods!

Oh. Thank God.

Excuse me. Excuse me, sir.

How you doing, man?

- Do you know you're trespassing?

- Yes. I mean, no. No, I didn't.

I do now, but I...

- Sign posted right over there.

Only got two words on it--

"no" and "trespassing."

- Yep. I see it now.

I see it now. I didn't see that when I... when I came in,

'cause the way I came in, my back was to that,

so I never caught that. I was...

- You're a... a city boy, ain't you?

- I kind of refer to myself as a "city man."

Not a... boy.

You could say "boy-man."

Whatever you... What do you prefer?

- Woods ain't safe for a city boy.

Much less a city man.

- Okay.

I'm going to address the elephant in the woods.

This whole Deliverance thing that we got going on right now,

which is great, okay, because it's working.

So, when things are working, you give 'em the accolades that they deserve.

I'm... I'm uncomfortable, sir.

I'm actually scared, right?

So, now that we know that, let me help this mood

by just telling you why I'm here.

I'm trying to use a phone. You got a phone?

I want to use it real quick, and I'm out of here.

- Two minutes.

- No, I'm not out of my mind.

As a matter of fact, I'm very much in my mind.

The dude's trying to kill me.

- That's unfortunate.

- What do you mean? Unfortunate?

Listen to me, Danny.

He's trying to kill me!

- No, totally. Kev, listen.

I got huge news. Right? Ready?

Pound Pups Four.

Pound... Pups... Four.

They want you to voice Reggie,

a quick-witted, short-tempered goldendoodle

who craves mischief.

- Did they ask for me directly? - Yeah!

Now, listen, the-the money's not what you're used to making,

but this could be the role that gets you back into good graces

with the comedy gods.

- Hey, I...

Hey. I...

Hi.

Hey, I'm Reggie, the goldendoodle,

and I'm ready to crave some mischief.

- Genius! You're a genius!

It's amazing! I'm in the movie right now.

I'm watching the movie.

Now, normally, we'd, you know, counter,

negotiate a better deal, blah, blah, blah.

I think we should close this one. Huh? What do you think?

No. No, no, don't sigh.

Be happy.

This is good, Kev.

Ah, goddamn it.

Are you crying?

- How did we get here, Danny?

Hmm?

How did we get here?

Just tell me how we got here.

- Look, stop beating yourself up.

Huh? You made a mistake.

You tried to be something you're not.

You're not an action hero. You know that now.

So, is that a yes on Pound Pups Four?

- Oh...

- Help!

Help me! I'm stuck!

- Kev?

Kevin, I need a verbal "yes" on this.

Kevin, don't let this

go away, buddy.

- Help me! - Kevin, goldendoodles.

You love dogs, Kevin!

- Help! - Kevin?

- Help me! - Oh, shit.

- Help! - Hey.

Hey, you okay? - No, my...

- Oh, fuck. - ...damn jack broke!

- Shit!

- It's on my chest.

- Hey. - I can't breathe.

- I'm gonna go call somebody right now, man. Okay?

I'm gonna go call some...

Hey! Hey!

Oh, shit.

Okay.

Come on. You got to lift this truck.

You got to lift this truck!

Lift the fucking truck!

Come on, Kevin!

All right. Ready.

Three, two, one.

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

Oh.

You okay?

Breathe, man.

Slow down. - Ooh.

- Take your time, all right?

Nice and slow. Get your breath back.

- Oh, my God. You just saved my life.

- No. No, man. - Oh... oh, oh, yeah.

You're like a real-life Rambo.

- I guess I kind of am.

- How can I ever repay you, sir?

- Sir? No, man.

Wait. You don't know who I am?

You don't recognize me from movies, TV, stand-up comedy?

- Uh... no.

- The name is Hart.

Agent... Hart.

Now, you wouldn't happen to know of a shortcut

back to Ron Wilcox's Action School, would you?

- Wilcox property? - Yeah.

- Uh, yes, Agent. Uh...

You can follow that path, and it'll take you right to it.

- Okay. I think I'm gonna go

and get on that trail before the sun goes down.

- Fuck that.

You ain't walking.

- Oh, yeah.

- How was that?

- Phenomenal. We got it.

- All right, that's a wrap on creepy trailer!

- Well done, everyone. - Good job, everybody.

- Stop!

Goddamn it! Stop!

- You motherfuckers.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, bitch.

No! No!

Fuck!

- Oh.

Holy shit, Jordan. You weren't joking.

He actually thinks we're using real bullets today. Kev!

- You told 'em?

- I'm sorry. It was funny. - It's not fucking funny!

'Cause that man back there is a lunatic.

You're a fucking lunatic, Coach Ron.

- Hey, you know what?

Maybe I am a lunatic.

Maybe I ought to just kill you!

- Hey. No, Ron, hold up.

Let me kill him. - Stop it.

- No, me, me, me!

- Stop it. Stop!

Know what, assholes?

Y'all want to fucking play the player.

Go ahead! Unload 'em all.

- All right. - Now we're having fun.

- After you.

Oh!

- Yeah. - Ah.

- Shit!

- Holy shit.

Maybe there was a bullet in there.

- You're a bad man.

- Motherfucker, man!

Episode8 Oh!

Yeah. - Ah.

- Shit!

- Holy shit.

Maybe there was a bullet in there.

- You're a bad man!

Kev, chill out. - Who's the lunatic now? - Motherfucker!

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Oh, my God.

- Josh, stop. This is bullshit! - No, buddy.

- You're trying to fucking kill me! - What's your problem?

I already apologized to you.

- When? When did you apologize? - I thought I did.

- Well... - You thought you apologized?

- You know what? Maybe I would apologize to you

if you gave me back my necklace!

- There it is. There it is. You knew I took the necklace,

so you tried to fucking kill me! - Hey. Hey, hey.

- Just admit it, man! - Hey, Kev. Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev. Just chill out.

We're all just goofing around. We're just having a little fun.

Okay? Nobody got hurt. Nobody got hurt. - Oh... Oh, it was a goof.

- Yeah, it's a goof. - Well, now that I know that,

I guess I feel better. - All right.

- Did you know it was a goof, Jordan?

- You know what? I don't know, okay?

It was... I-I don't know. - You don't know?

- I'm staying out of it. Yeah. - Now you're staying out of it.

- You know what? Okay. Everybody's tempers are

a little hot right now. Maybe we could all just

take a break, maybe take five. - Let's take a break.

- We drink some water, we have some beef jerky, we just...

We reconvene in a bit, okay? You cool? - I'm cool. I'm cool.

I'm cool. Give... Come on. - Give him a hug, man.

- Give me a hug. Give me a hug. - I don't... I don't... No.

Come on. - I love you, man.

- That's beautiful, right? - I love you.

- How do you love me? How? - How?

How does anybody love anybody?

- What?

- That's profound. - It's a good question.

- We're gonna miss you, big guy.

- I'll miss you, too, baby.

- Now he's letting us see daytime as if we're free.

- I never said you weren't allowed to leave.

You got a little bit of imagination there, buddy.

- Well, I remember my car used to be here,

but now my car is at the bottom of a ravine.

Guess I'm imagining that, too?

- Yeah, well, you know, this is meth country.

Probably a couple of tweakers going for a joyride.

- Ah, that's right. I forgot. - They'll be back.

Tweakers love to drive. I keep forgetting.

- I thought we were gonna be cool, baby.

- Yeah. What about that? - I am cool.

- Hey, look.

I know this has been tough on you.

You only got a couple days left.

My advice, take as much wisdom as you can from this guy.

- Mm. Yeah. - And just have some fun.

- Thank you. Appreciate you, Josh.

- See you, Kev.

I love you, man. - I love you, too, man.

Jordan.

- Hey.

- What the fuck was that?

- Agent Hart.

I want to tell you something.

- I don't really feel like dealing with it, Coach Ron.

- Look, look, I'm sorry about the live bullet, man.

I really am.

- That's all I wanted, man.

All I wanted was an apology.

- I know. - You saying that to me

makes the world of difference.

I'm sorry that I accused you of...

of trying to kill me and other people.

Now, give me a hug, man. Thank you.

Thank you. - Uh, guys?

- Yeah. - Who is that?

- Holy shit. - Oh, shit!

- Oh, shit!

- Get inside! Come on! - What the fuck was that?

- Now! Goddamn it! - Oh, shit!

Oh, shit!

It's a bomb!

What the hell is happening?

- Hey, Ron, I-I don't know this scene.

Where is it in the script?

- It is not in the fucking script!

- No, no, no. Tell me you're kidding.

Tell me that was just a stunt!

That we did not just watch Josh Hartnett explode!

- It is not a stunt! It is not in the script.

Josh Hartnett is dead!

Oh, God, I fucked up!

I fucked up!

- What the fuck is going on? - Shit. Okay.

- What the fuck is going on?

- Okay, Kevin, don't-don't be mad.

Don't be mad, but this whole thing,

aside from what just happened to Josh Hartnett,

has-has been scripted.

- What the fuck is that accent?

- I was acting! I'm sorry!

I'm not from Chicago! I'm from Essex!

Claude Van De Velde wanted you at your most authentic,

so he-he hid a bunch of cameras in here

to film us playing roles, doing the stunts, all of it.

But whatever just happened wasn't part of it,

which is fucking insane, Ron!

For fuck's sake! - For fuck's sake?

That's what you want to say to me?

For fuck's sake?!

- Talk in your regular voice. - All right, that...

No, I've lost it now. I'm in my head!

- Who does that?! Who does this to somebody?

Shit!

Fuck!

Oh, shit. You okay?

- Oh, God, I'm such a fucking idiot.

What was I thinking? - What the hell was that, man?

- You want to know what the hell is going on?

- You're goddamn right I want to know what's going on.

- I bought some drugs.

I sold them to the wrong people.

- What? - And Rodrigo got mad at me.

And we got into a fight,

and then I accidentally killed him.

- So you did kill Rodrigo! - Yeah.

- I told you he fucking killed him.

- Yeah, that necklace? That necklace was his necklace.

I'm a horrible person.

I'm going straight to hell.

- You're goddamn right you're going to hell.

- Oh. Claude! - Where are you going?

- Where are you going, Ron? - Claude!

Claude, if you're watching, you call the cops right now.

You call the fucking cops.

- Señor Wilcox!

- Oh, shit!

- My nephew Rodrigo's body washed up

four miles due south of here!

A coincidence, no?

I'm gonna give you two minutes, exactly dos minutos

to bring your ass out here and face me like a man!

If not, I'm gonna set fire to the building

and burn you like a chicharrón.

- Snap out of it!

- I can't. It's over.

- Listen, you motherfucker.

This is why men shouldn't be left in charge of anything!

My career is just now becoming the thing

that I have worked my entire life towards!

And I'm not dying because of you, you fucking idiot!

- Well, we-we're all gonna die!

- Hey. Hey. - Oh, shit.

- What the fuck, man?

Everybody got to calm the fuck down!

- They're all blanks.

- Hey, hey, look at me.

- Don't hit me. - What? I'm not gonna hit you.

Look, when I first walked through that door,

you told me, you said, "Kevin,"

you said, "An action hero is not in here."

You said, "It's not in here." - Uh-huh.

- You said that it's here.

It's in your heart.

Now, granted, you done made some mistakes.

And one of those mistakes involved murdering the nephew

of some kind of a drug lord.

- Oh, God! - Okay, hey, hey. Hey, man.

- I killed... - I'm not trying

to fucking upset you, man. Listen.

I know that you know...

I know that you know that there's an action hero in there.

And I know that a true action hero

is-is-is tough, is confident,

and they're unfazed by the minor details

that disrupt your average layperson.

They will take responsibility for their shit.

You go out there, and you tell the truth, man.

Tell the fucking truth!

Say Rodrigo's death... say it was an accident.

Say it was a fucking accident, and give them...

give them this.

Here, you give them this, say you want to make things right.

- I'm gonna make it right. - That's all you got to do.

Say, "I want to make it right. I'm sorry. I fucked up."

- I fucked up. - "I want to tell the truth."

- Want to tell the truth. - That's it.

- I-I made a mistake. - Okay, listen.

All you got to do is be the action hero

that you want to see in the world.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Tell the truth, man.

- That was amazing.

- Amigos, amigos.

Peace. Peace.

- Paz. Paz. Paz.

- Paz. - Paz, paz, paz.

- Holy shit, I think it's actually working.

Kevin, did you just save our lives?

- No.

I just know that being the hero means owning up to your mistakes.

I had to learn the same thing in my life.

I'm just glad that Ron can learn the same thing, too.

Oh, shit!

Episode9 - Amigos, amigos.

Peace. Peace.

- Paz, paz, paz.

- Paz. - Paz, paz. Paz.

- Shit, I think it's actually working.

- Shit!

Is he dead?

- I mean, he took a lot of bullets. I think so.

- Oh, we got to check, we got to check, see if he's still alive.

He dead. He dead. - Yeah.

Yeah. - He fucking dead.

- Okay, okay, maybe if we just stay quiet,

they'll leave. - I like that plan. Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Juan, Ortiz,

Go inside. If there's any witnesses, kill them.

- I hate that plan. Go. - We need to wait.

- Fuck. Close it, close it, close it.

Hold it, hold it.

Hey, do we got any more real bullets?

- I checked already, they're blanks.

- What do you mean, they fucking blanks?

Is everything in here a fucking prop?

What about the knife? The knife I stabbed you with.

- Oh, it was retractable. Fake blood.

- Oh, shit!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Shit. Go, go, go, go.

- Kevin?

- Yeah?

- Um, if anything happens,

and we don't get out of here alive,

I just want you to know that... - Stop.

I love you, too.

- Uh...

- Shit, you were gonna say something else, weren't you?

You gonna say it was nice knowing me?

- Yeah. - Fuck me!

We're about to die. You could have at least lied.

I mean, you been lying this entire week.

Wouldn't have made that big of a difference.

- I'm sorry. I was hired to play a role,

and they paid me a lot of money.

Like, a lot.

- You're not making it any better.

You're actually making it a lot worse.

- Shh. Did you hear that? - Shit, they're coming.

Play dead. - What? No.

- They'll walk in here, they'll see that we're dead,

then they'll leave. - But how-how did we die?

- I can't hear you, I'm dying.

- What the...

- Oy. Did you hear that?

- Yeah. I think it's Ortiz.

Oh. Then what the fuck are you waiting for?!

It's not fucking rocket science.

- Kick me, bitch? Well, kick this!

Kick me twice, shame on me.

Kick me... shoot you...

Every time I look up, you're on your fucking back.

Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold it.

Okay, come on.

You think you can win a gun fight

with a Columbian drug lord?

- No. We don't have guns in England.

Didn't you say you're from North Philly?

- What are you doing? I can't take the gun like that.

Give it to me right.

- Yeah. Ron would be proud.

- Shut up, "Ron would be proud."

Ron would be proud.

Shit!

Go, go, go, go. Go, go. Fuck. Fuck.

Oh. No.

- Okay, I'm gonna create a distraction,

and then you're gonna shoot the guy.

- Yeah. - Are you ready?

- I've never been more ready in my life.

- On three. One, two...

- Wait, wait, wait, wait, don't-don't count like that.

Go the other way. Three, two... Like that. That's better for me.

- Three, two, one.

Go, go, go. - It's go time.

Yeah, motherfucker.

Yeah, motherfucker!

Goddamn it...

Fuckin' stop. I'm out! I'm out! I'm out! Fuck!

Fuck. Almost got him.

- Yeah, you did. - Yeah.

- Okay, he's reloading.

Follow me, quick. - Okay.

Wait, wait. Wait for me. Wait for me.

Damn it. I can't believe I missed his ass.

I had him. The sight.

It's got to be the sight. The sight is off...

- No, Kevin, you just can't shoot for shit.

We need to think.

There has to be something in here we can use.

- Guess what we can't use. This. It's out of bullets.

I ain't got no more bullets.

- Kevin, focus.

- It's props.

It's a bunch of fucking props over here.

Whoop, there it is.

- Oh, hell no! Oh, hell no!

Oh, hell no-no-no-no...

- Got you, motherfucker!

Oh, oh, shit.

Okay, okay, okay, okay...

Hold his ass.

Oh, you thought it was over, didn't you?

But I don't travel alone.

No. I got my friends with me.

Let me introduce you to Mr. Fuck Shit and Mr. Up.

- Kevin, shut up! - Okay. No, no, I--

I got more, but I can-- Hold him. Motherfucker...

Shit!

I thought you had his feet!

Shit. Yeah.

We got his ass. - I got him.

- Ain't no "I" in "team." Put it up here.

Let's get out of here. Come on. Watch your step.

Watch your step. Let's go.

He kicked me right in the fucking nose,

the son of a bitch.

Run. Run.

Oh... hey...

Wait a minute. Jordan.

Jordan, slow down. It's a cliff.

It's a cliff! It's a cliff!

Oh, shit.

- Come on, we've got to go. - I can't.

I can't do that. That's too far.

I'm sorry.

- Jesus Christ, just jump.

- Just go. Go save yourself.

- No. We're both getting out of here.

Now hurry the fuck up!

- Fuck.

Fuck, fuck.

Fuck. Fuck!

Go.

Go, go, go...

Shit. Oh.

Why didn't you say you love me back?

- Uh... I don't know.

We-we're just kind of getting to know each other, and...

- Say good night.

Episode10 - Why didn't you say you love me back?

- Uh... I don't know.

We're j-- we're just kind of getting to know each other,

and...

- Any last words before I blow your brains out?

- Don't shoot me, okay?

You ain't got to do this.

You ain't got to do this, man.

Yeah.

Just let me...

- Why are you doing that?

Cut it out!

Stop it!

You look at me when I kill you.

Look at me!

I know that there's nothing up there.

- Ah! Shit.

Ah!

Ah... Ah!

- Go home.

I'm sure there's a real hero somewhere

in need of a goofy sidekick.

Well, you're not alone...

anymore.

I've got you, I promise.

Kevin!

Focus.

- I owe you one.

It's a simple jump.

Three, two, one.

Yes.

Hey.

Hey, come on. Jordan, no.

Come on, get up, get up. Jordan, no.

Look at me, look at me.

No. Don't you die, don't you die.

I'm not gonna let you die.

Come on, Jordan, you c...

you can't, you can't die, not...

Come on, Jordan, get up.

Don't d...

Jordan! Jordan!

I jumped. I got over here.

Jordan?

I fucking jumped.

I fucking jumped.

I fucking...

Breathe.

Bravo. It's a wrap, everybody.

Bravo.

- The fuck...?

A wrap?

- Agent Hart!

- Coach Ron?

- Yeah!

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

- The fuck is happening?

- Hey, man, it was good working with you.

No hard feelings, man. Sorry.

- Hi.

- Oh, no. Come on, Jordan.

This was a part of it, too?

- Yeah. Sorry, Kevin.

- Jordan.

But I really thought that I lost you.

- Oh, Kevin. - No...

- Well, I guess I'm glad that you're alive.

- Well, movie magic.

- Very good. - Movie magic.

- Very good.

- Jordan, no.

Come on, get up, get up.

Jordan, you can't do this. Don't die.

Come on, Jordan, get up.

Don't d... Jordan!

Jordan!

I did it, I jumped. I got over here.

Jordan? I fucking jumped.

I fucking jumped.

- Well?

- That may be the strangest movie I've ever seen.

So bizarre and-and... violent.

And yet...

authentic.

You can't teach acting like that.

- So you liked it? - Like it?

I like kidney-shaped swimming pools.

I like reduced-fat eggnog.

This movie, I loved.

- He loves it.

- How does it feel to be a leading man

in your own action movie?

- Wow. - Kevin.

Please. - Oh, the center stage.

Uh...

No, stop, stop. Guys.

Well, I learned two things.

The first thing is that it's dangerous.

It's dangerous as hell. I mean, I was set on fire,

I was hit in the head with a bat...

punched, kicked.

I'm really gonna be scarred. - That was f...

- No, I'm serious-- I don't know

why you're laughing. I'm being very serious.

I'm gonna have real issues because of this guy right here.

- Fuck yeah! - It's-- no...

It's not a "fuck yeah." It's-it's a serious thing.

The second thing that I learned is that, uh...

...there's no such thing as a leading man.

Because you're nothing without your costars.

And I had that in-in you guys, so thank you-- Come on.

Get up here. Seriously.

Get up here. - Buddy.

- Take this in. Take it in with me.

Wait, wait. Do I get top billing?

- Yeah. You have top billing.

- Nice. I didn't-- I forgot to ask.

- Well, I think it's time to celebrate. - Yes!

- Looks like we've got a hit on our hands.

- Claude. Congratulations. - Yeah, yeah.

Hey. Congratulations, everybody.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a real treat for you today.

- Okay-- wait, wait, wait, wait, easy with the spoilers.

This requires a little dramatic buildup.

- Okay. Here it is.

Now you know that I'm not a big fan

of these high-budget action films.

- Here she goes again, with her love of fancy foreign films.

- I have discerning taste. This is my buildup.

This is what you requested. - Continue.

- This movie by Claude Van De Velde moved me.

I got to say. - It's an incredible film.

- And... - I've seen it 27 times.

Team Van De Velde right here.

- The hero of this movie

is not the action star that you would expect.

The one that really saves the day.

Well, we have him here today.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Sassy the Squirrel.

- Aw, Sassy...

- Oh, you're a lot bigger in person.

- Oh, hell no.