Original subtitles

Let's go! Let's go! It's a school day, not a carnival day.

Get in the car, kids. Time for school.

I am sorry, Aria, but you cannot bring that in our van. It's disgusting.

But he's my brother.

Come on. Hurry up, Charlie. We're ready to go.

Hurry up.

Get in the car.

Move it, move it.

Come on, we're waiting.

Hurry up.

Kids, it's time for school.

Again? But we went yesterday.

Get in the car!

Mom, how come you always drive us to school in your bathrobe?

Because the principal gets mad when I do it in the nude.

Vicki, I told you, no frogs in the van.

No, not out the window.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

-Are we there yet? -Stop saying that.

When will we get there? When will we get there?

When will we get there? When will we get there?

I don't believe it. I fell asleep practicing our presentation to Mr. Hammerman.

Why did you let me oversleep? I have to go in early today.

-What's the matter? -I'm dying.

I've been throwing up for the last three hours.

Oh, honey, honey. That's too bad.

You know what? I'll call you from work, and I'll check on you, okay?

-Daniel. -Must be a bug going around, huh?

-Excuse me. -Yeah?

I'm sick.

Which tie do you think? The striped, the blue or the burgundy?

I'm sick.

I think the burgundy.

-Daniel. -What?

What? What do you need? What?

-Soup? Water? A bucket? -We have two kids.

-They have to get ready for school. -Okay, I'll get them ready. Don't worry.

And then they have to actually go to school.

The carpool?

-That's generally how they get there. -Oh, honey, no. No, please.

-Anything but that. -It's my week.

I don't have time, okay? I don't.

When's your meeting? Four?

Can't somebody else do it? A neighbor. What about Mr. Kupek?

-He's 88. -So he'll drive real slow.

-He's had three strokes. -But never while driving.

All you have to do is drive them to school. Fifteen, 20 minutes, tops.

I'm not asking you to raise them as your own.

Look at this, I'm already running seven minutes late. I can't believe this.

Come on, Mr. I've-Never-Been-Late- in-my-Life...

...Because-I-Set-My-Watch- 10-Minutes-Fast.

That gives you a three-minute cushion.

All right, all right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'll....

I'll do it.

Thank you.

-Don't forget, you have to pick up Travis. -Why?

He joined the carpool last week.

That kid scares me. He's weird.

He's just a child.

Well, he's a very weird child.

He's not weird. They had him tested.

Listen, are you sure that you can't do this?

I mean, you're done throwing up, aren't you?

-It's the carpool, not an armed robbery. -Okay. I'll do it.

Where are you going?

Have you forgotten the judge took the carnival away?

-I said, where are you going? -I got a little errand to run.

There may be a gentleman caller.

Mom, I told you not to wear my shirts. You're stretching them out.

Then take it off.

And answer the door.

Hey, how are you?

Is it a gentleman caller?

No, Mom. It's Erno, and Alexandra and some of the others.

Watch it, Franklin. They're carnival people. They steal.

What's the occasion, guys?

Franklin, we came to give you our paychecks back.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Well, sure we did.

These bounced.

You've been very good to us, Franklin.

We can't hold up no more. I got offer from Wingling Brothers.

The Ringling Brothers?

No, Wingling Brothers.

All right, guys, come on, let's stick together. Let's have a little faith, all right?

The judge gave me 48 hours to come up with the money, and I will do that.

You guys just have to hold tight, okay?

Andrew. Bucky.

Come on, let's go.

-Zip up your zipper. -I like it down.

-What? -I like my zipper down.

-Why? -It's breezier.

-It's illegal. -All the kids are wearing them like that.

Name one and I'm calling his parents.

Bucky.

Here. You have to sign this.

-What? What is it? -Spelling test.

Looks like the only thing correctly spelled here is the F.

It doesn't matter. Mrs. Karkinney's giving me a do-over.

A do-over?

I messed up, so I get a second chance.

Mrs. Karkinney says everybody should get a second chance.

That's only because she's been married five times.

Tell you something, sport. In the business world...

...you only get once chance to get it right, so study, okay?

-I do. -Well, apparently, not hard enough.

Here.

Bucky.

Come on, Bucky, we're running late.

Chill out, Dad. I'm right here.

-Hi. -Just getting my hat.

Glad you could join us.

Okay.

Here we go.

Coffee.

-Andrew, what are you waiting for? -Breakfast.

No, no time. Come on. We'll grab some doughnuts on the way. Come on.

Yes.

Guys, I was thinking, maybe we could go to a Seahawks game sometime soon.

Tailgate, make a whole day out of it.

It'll be just like that Mariners game you were going to take us to.

Only you had to work instead.

No, no, no. I really mean it this time.

A deal is a deal. We are going to a game.

Yeah, right.

If I didn't work so hard you guys wouldn't even have a football to throw at me.

-Dad. -Yeah?

-Mr. Kupek's working in his yard again. -Oh, yeah.

See, let that be a lesson to you boys.

The world says that he can't drive a car just because he's a little forgetful.

But look at him. He's a vibrant, healthy man.

He's able to do anything he puts his mind to.

-Good morning, Mr. Kupek. -Hello, boys.

Dad, Mr. Kupek isn't wearing his pants.

I know, son. From now on, you kids stay away from him, okay?

-Bye, Mom. -Don't forget, I wanna go to Sizzler tonight.

You're not allowed at Sizzler anymore, Mom.

-That salad bar said, "all you can eat." -But it was closing time.

-I wasn't finished. -You'd been there since noon, Mom.

-They cheated me. -Maybe so, but they also got a court order.

So if you go back now, it's a violation of your probation, okay?

We'll talk about it later.

Listen, cutie-pie, when they repossess the truck...

...you don't have to leave them any gas.

Right. You're the expert on gas, Mom.

Come on, already.

This happens every day.

She's the slowest human on this planet.

-Just leave her, Dad. -Yeah.

Don't tempt me.

Come on, Chelsea. We're running a little late.

-Where's Andrew's mom? -She's sick.

I'm not supposed to ride with strangers, though.

No, I'm Andrew's father.

-I have no way of knowing that. -Trust me.

That's what a stranger would say. I'd like to see some identification.

-Chelsea, that-- -Mommy!

Okay, okay. Here, here, look. Here, see?

Driver's license.

You know, you used to have a lot more hair.

Get in the car.

Wait! Stop! I'm getting motion sickness. Stop.

Bucky, close the door and let's roll.

Wait.

-What now? -My sister's coming.

Thank you, God.

Bucky.

Hello? Can I get in or what?

Yeah, sure. Cool.

I'll move to the back.

Sit down.

Thanks, Mr. Miller.

My mother usually takes me, but she had breast-reduction surgery yesterday.

They removed 14 ounces from each breast...

...and then relocated her nipples.

To where?

Bucky, close the door.

Stay loose. You can do it.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

Unless they shoot me, which they won't because I'm gonna draw first.

Unless they push that red button under the counter...

...which would be bad, but I know it's gonna be fine.

There he is.

What is that?

That's Travis.

Greetings, Earth people. Prepare to be probed.

Alien terminated.

Get in the van, Travis.

I'm sorry, Mr. Miller.

-Sit down. -Where?

I don't know. Anywhere but in the front seat with me.

-Buckle up. -Nice outfit, Travis.

Here, here, here, let me show you...

...how you're supposed to do this.

Don't they have seat belts in outer space?

Bucky, are you trying to look down my shirt?

No, no, no.

It's my neck.

Yeah, my chiropractor says I have to do these neck-stretching exercises.

Yeah. Right.

You scared me. Excuse me, sir. I'd like you to open a safe for me.

I mean, an account, a safe account.

But you're not open yet. I'll grab a cup of coffee and come back later.

Okay, good talking to you. See you in just a few minutes, all right?

Right there. I missed it.

Tone it down, please.

Tone it down, will you?

I mean, this is horrible. These people should lighten up.

Don't you like the classics?

You know, the moms let us listen to whatever we want.

They want the carpool to be fun.

Carpools are transportation. They're not supposed to be fun.

They sure aren't when you drive.

-Want a gummy bear? -No.

Of course, they don't taste even like real bear.

And you can squish them between your teeth...

...and it makes it look like your gums are bleeding. Watch.

Awesome.

Cool.

I'm not crazy.

I didn't say you were.

-I was tested, you know. -Well, then you obviously cheated.

-Hey, this looks cool, Dad. -Let me see.

-Your Hammerman's stuff looks great. -Hammerman's sucks.

Hey, put that back. Put that back right now.

Those are not toys. Those are my presentation materials.

Now, don't touch those.

You're a very cranky man. Do you have hemorrhoids?

-No. -Dad's cranky when he gets hemorrhoids.

He says they feel like walking with a pine cone up your butt.

I know what that feels like because I tried that.

Okay, that's it. I've had it. All right, all right, all right.

All right, go on. Get out of the front seat. Out, out, out.

Out, ou--

Uncle Bob did that once, and ever since...

...he's never been able to see the color green.

-I'm hungry. -And I am soaking wet.

And we are stopping right around the corner at Hammerman's.

-I hate that. -Come on, not there.

What?

-What's wrong with Hammerman's? -Nasty food.

It's not just a grocery store. It's a big refrigerator with a heart.

-I hate Hammerman's. -There's nothing fun to eat there.

-There's plenty to eat there. -They don't have doughnuts.

-Yeah, but they got lots of other good stuff. -I ate mud once. Tasted okay.

But Dad took me to the hospital, pumped my stomach.

And I met a guy with a monkey heart.

Well, I think Hammerman's is much better than mud.

Is that gonna be your Hammerman's slogan, Dad?

Okay, I am gonna go in there, and I'll get some Danish.

No, I wanna go in there.

I am going by myself.

When I get back, the only thing I wanna hear for the rest of our trip...

...is the sound of sugar working its way through your little bloodstreams.

-Sorry. -No problem.

What darling children.

You want them? Because I'll sell them to you real cheap.

For shame.

-Disabled the security camera. -Good.

-Jammed the back door lock. -Excellent.

By now, yesterday's receipts are behind the register...

...waiting for the armored car pickup.

Hey, five minutes from now, they'll be in our lap.

Let's do it.

-You know what to do when we go in? -Yeah.

You take the cashier....

I cover your back.

We're ready.

-Excuse me. -Yes?

Yes. Hi. How can I help you?

I was wondering about my pepper steak.

Oh, it's right here.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

-Where are your doughnuts? -Sir, we're a gourmet market.

Oh, okay. Where are your gourmet doughnuts?

We have a fine selection of scones, croissants, tea biscuits and mille-feuille.

-Mid-phooey? -Mille-feuille.

-Meal-foey? -Mille-feuille.

-Moo-fay? -Yeah.

-You don't have any doughnuts? -No, sir.

Well, let's see here.

How many of those could I get for a dollar?

-Two. -Apples?

Peanuts.

They're organic.

Excuse me, I'm in a hurry here. Could I just pay for these and leave?

I'm sorry, sir, but I am helping this gentleman.

While you wait, you can fill your cup with our complementary coffee.

Right, everybody, you know what these are.

You know why we're here. Don't anybody move.

You know what this is. And you know what we want.

Damn, that's good. I wish I would've thought of it.

-Move it, pal, move it. -Come on, open it up. Let's go.

Drop it, punk, or I drop you.

Correction, Grandma.

You drop it.

Put the money in a bag.

Paper or plastic?

-Just do it. -Please, don't shoot me.

I refuse to die in a polyester smock.

Get that gun out of Todd's face. Now!

Drop it, you!

I really don't respond well under stress.

Everybody, just settle down.

I'm gonna get my two peanuts, and I'm getting out of here.

Take it.

Thanks, Todd.

-I want you and you up against the wall. -Which wall?

-I don't care. Frozen food. -Police. Freeze.

Everybody just stay rooted to your shoes and don't be moving.

Lieutenant Erdman, badge number 227.

-Drop the gun. -Jeez, officer. This isn't what you think.

I can explain.

-You burn your jewels? -Yeah. I'm getting used to it.

-I know the feeling. -Okay.

Okay. All right. Freeze.

You picked the wrong store to rob this time, bucko.

Excuse me, but I'm not robbing this store.

Yeah, that's just a bag of doughnuts you're holding, right?

They don't serve doughnuts. You think you'd know that. You're a cop, right?

-Drop the gun. -No, you drop your gun.

-Why don't you put the gun on the ground? -Back off.

You're bluffing. I don't think you'd really hurt him.

Really?

You wanna try me?

Okay, okay, okay. Look, all right.

I'm gonna put my gun on the ground. I'm gonna put mine down, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Great. Raspberry glaze.

Soak it in cold water.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

Somebody of your age should be a little more careful with a handgun.

Bite me.

Come on.

Thank you for shopping at Hammerman's.

-You are making a big mistake. -Good luck.

-Bye, Todd. -Call me.

I'm gonna hunt you down, big guy.

Damn.

My truck's blocked in.

Where's your car?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady. What are you doing, lady?

-Give me the gun. Give me the gun. -This is my gun.

-Happy for you. You have a permit for it? -Yes, I do have a permit.

-I'm gonna tell your superiors. -I will break your wrist. Give me the gun.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I have a very big presentation today. It's not a good day for me to be a hostage.

Hostage? That's a great idea. Come on.

Look, there's a lot of other people here. I'm not hostage material.

Come on.

This thing is roomy.

This is not a very good day for me, you know? I have a very big meeting.

-Watch the man. -I see him, I see him.

Hey, buddy, doing the moonwalk.

Officer, these guys are the--

Stifle.

Allow me, officer.

Wait, wait, wait.

Thanks a lot, big guy.

That was my car.

After you.

Lucy, Lucy, I am so sorry. It wasn't me.

Okay. Okay.

-Ma'am, do you have a car? -Yes, I do.

-Is it here? -It's the Galaxie--

-The keys, please. -No, you can't--

-Thank you. -But you see--

Yes, I can, ma'am, because I'm a police officer.

But my brakes are shot.

Put your cups down. This is Lieutenant Erdman.

We got a 211 in progress.

Got an armed robbery at Hammerman's Gourmet To Go. It's off Kennelworth.

Kennelworth's the deal. That suspect's got a hostage, all right?

Now, they're traveling north...

...in what we're gonna call a sea-green Toyota Previa.

It's one of those van deals.

Now, I'm in pursuit in a commandeered '65 Galaxie convertible. Check.

Oh, man.

They sure don't make cars like they used to.

It's a crying shame.

-I can't believe he stole our money. -Yeah.

It's not fair. We earned it.

-I have half a mind to report him. -Yeah.

I'll tell you this.

I am not returning his wallet.

Yeah.

Hey.

-What'd you do that for? -Sorry. I'm just excited.

-I've never done anything like this before. -No kidding.

-I was scared. Could you tell? -No. I was too busy being terrified.

-So, what do you think? -What do I think about what?

-About the robbery. How'd I do? -I think you did fine.

-You robbed everyone fine. -Weird part is I didn't even mean to.

What do you mean you--? Red light, red light, red light.

-What's your name? -It's Daniel.

-Nice to meet you, Dan. -It's Daniel.

-Daniel. -Sorry.

Got any candy or gum or anything?

No.

Oh, great. Gummy bears. All right.

Thanks.

Yeah, well, I think you could-- Trees, trees, trees.

Now, that was close. You got a good eye.

Hey, I just had an idea. Why don't you let us go?

-Us? -I mean, me.

I mean, you know, me and the van.

Look, you got your money here. I could drop you at the next bus stop.

-At the bus stop? -Yeah.

Look, Dan, this is my first time...

...but I feel that most successful getaways avoid public transportation.

-Oh, my God. -What?

-I lost my wallet. -Why?

I must have dropped it.

-So? -So I can't drive without a driver's license.

-You're gonna have to switch with me. -I don't think that rule applies...

...while committing a felony.

Good point.

Look, maybe I haven't explained to you exactly...

...how important my meeting is today.

I've been working on this Hammerman account...

...for about three months now, and it's a very--

-It's a good account-- -Look...

...I don't like this any more than you do, okay?

I'm not a perfect person.

I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up.

Sometimes, I take 15 or 16 items right through the express lane...

...and I have a temper.

Like my neighbor, he was playing his music too loud, so I killed him.

Now, I cut him up, and I put him in the freezer.

I'm just kidding you. Just kidding you.

Just trying to break the tension. I do that when I'm nervous.

I never thought I'd be the kind of guy that did something like this.

But you just don't know what life's gonna throw at you.

So you just sit back, relax, don't do anything crazy...

-...and everything's gonna be okay. -Okay.

You got anything to eat besides gummy bears?

No, I don't carry anything else here.

Hey, what...?

What are these guys doing here?

What?

It was my day to drive for the carpool.

-Are you gonna hurt us? -Of course not, honey.

I just need this van for a little while.

How many kids are in here?

-We-- -Well, five if you count Travis.

-I'm Travis. -Good to meet you, buddy.

Oh, nice try.

I'm Franklin. Hi. How you doing?

-I want the kids out of here right now. -Great.

-Okay, come on, kids. -Get out of here.

You heard the man. Come on. Out of the van.

Out of the van. Come on. Come on, let's go.

-Come on, Chelsea, honey. Let's go. -Make it snappy.

This is snappy.

-Bucky, get my presentation materials. -Come on.

-No, no, no. You can't go anywhere. -What?

-I need a hostage. -What?

No, no.

-Andrew. -Hey. Hey, what are you doing, kid?

I'm not leaving without my dad.

Andrew, that's very brave, but I'll be okay.

Too late. Everybody get back in. Come on.

In the van now, quick. Hustle up.

Here comes Erdman.

There goes Erdman.

-What are you doing? -I'm just making sure everything's okay.

Your presentation stuff's fine, Dad.

Yeah, this is Erdman here. I've got an update now.

The van is going north on 4th towards Hillside, all right?

These brakes are a little touchy on my vehicle.

I need some backup now.

However, they must proceed with extreme caution...

...because there are kids in the van. Repeat, there are kids in the van.

Check.

What in Sam Hill was that?

Come on. Come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Start for me.

-There's no answer at his house, either. -He's only an hour and a half late.

Only an hour and a half late? We're talking about Daniel Miller here.

This is a man that's never been late for anything in his life.

I'll tell you what.

Give him another 15 minutes, and then call the morgue.

Channel 3 interrupts this program for a special bulletin.

We take you now to Scott Lewis, standing by in Roland Park. Scott?

A little more than an hour ago, this Hammerman's Gourmet To Go...

...was held up by an armed gunman.

When a Seattle detective attempted to thwart the robbery...

...the desperate gunman took off in a late-model green Toyota van.

I have an eyewitness standing by. Ma'am, what did you see?

-He was a very annoying man. -The gunman?

No. The gunman was very polite.

I'm talking about the hostage.

When I met him on the way in, I told him the children were adorable--

-What children? -The five children in the van.

My God. There were children in that van?

What kind of a monster would endanger the lives of his innocent children?

My God. In my two and a half years of broadcasting...

...I have never encountered such callous disregard for humanity.

The thoughts and prayers of an entire city...

...go out to these poor, desperate, frightened children.

Hey, are you guys crazy? I didn't do anything to you.

Stop it, kids. He's driving.

Except for taking you hostage and stealing your van.

-But other than that, I've been nice. -Did you think up a plan yet?

-Not yet. -I think now would be a very good time.

I'm a little busy here, Dan.

-This sure beats going to school. -Yeah.

Stop talking to the criminal.

He's just being friendly, Dad.

I'm certainly not going to talk to him.

-Why not? -Chelsea has this policy on strangers.

And trust me, you don't wanna go down that road.

Your parents taught you well, Chelsea, but I'm not a stranger anymore.

-I'm Franklin. -Okay.

It's so good when parents get involved with their kids.

I don't have to tell you that. Look at you, driving the neighborhood carpool.

Yeah, whatever. Look, I know you need a hostage...

...and I understand your predicament...

...but I'm afraid I can't give the position the attention it deserves right now.

-I'll be the hostage. -No, I wanna be the hostage.

-What about me? -How come I never get to be the hostage?

That's because you're a girl.

Hey, hey, hey. Girls can be hostages too.

We're heading towards the 21st century. Girls can be whatever they want.

Right on, sister.

Okay, quiet, or nobody gets to be the hostage.

Well, that made sense, Dad.

Look, what will it take for you to let us go? You want a personal check? Credit card?

Why don't you take the van? Use it for as long as you like.

As a matter of fact, know what? Keep the van.

Kids, say goodbye to the van. It belongs to him now.

I don't want anything from you.

I just want you to take me where I'm going, and then I'll let you go. Deal?

Oh, so now you know where you're going?

That's right. You take me there and I'll let you go.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

Hey. What do you think you're doing?

I guess we caught you at a bad time.

What?

-A real bad time. -What are you talking about?

-We're here to see Franklin Laszlo. -No way.

-Hey. Get out of here. -Look, lady, we don't want....

Hey.

Cut that out. Are you nuts?

Get out of my house.

And take your partner with you.

Get out of here!

Damn fools.

What the heck was that?

I have no idea.

It was human, wasn't it?

Are we almost there, wherever we're going?

You're just like a little kid. I'll tell you when we get there.

Once, I glued my eyelids open so I could stay up all night.

But then I sneezed and ripped out all my eyelashes.

Really? Well, one time, I caught a bunch of fireflies...

...and I shoved them up my nose, and my eyeballs lit up.

Top that, little man.

Trouble.

You know, this is sort of the way my mom drives.

All right. We lost them. We're clear.

-Wait. I'm mixed up. Where are we? -Don't answer him, kids.

-But, Dad, you said a deal is a deal. -Plus, I should remind you that I'm armed.

We're at Chuck E. Cheese, where every night is party night.

Conveniently located in the Empire Park Shopping Plaza...

...just off Bradley Boulevard.

Only 15 minutes from downtown.

-You kids are smart. -Thank you.

Stop being polite to the criminal.

-Man, you're testy. -He's got hemorrhoids, Franklin.

-You got rhoids? -I do not have hemorrhoids.

But there is a police car on our tail.

There's one ahead too.

-Look out. -Oh, look out.

I need an idea. I need an idea. Somebody, anybody.

-Garage, garage, garage. -Andrew, stop that.

Back up.

We're going up.

Thanks, Buck. Keep us posted, would you?

But up isn't such a good idea, you know, because there's no way out from up.

-Dad. -Teenagers.

-Dad. -Not now, Andrew.

-Dad. Dad. -Not now, I told you, Andrew.

Dad, I really gotta go to the bathroom.

Yeah, me too.

-Now? -I really gotta go, Dad.

Hey, just think dry thoughts, little buddy. I'll find us a toilet if it's the last thing I do.

I told you to go before we left home.

They're on us again.

That car's gonna go out.

Don't help the man, Chelsea.

We're going for the gate.

-You can't make that. -Watch out. It's gonna squish us.

-I'm too young to die. -We are not gonna make it.

You may be right.

Oh, boy!

This is what I call teamwork.

Well done, Harry. Thank you.

-Hey! Get me a car now! -Yes, sir.

You better check the date on your driver's license.

Start the paperwork. Start the paperwork.

-Yes, sir. -Damn.

You know, that's a really sad story, but not quite sad enough.

I'm Lieutenant Erdman, Seattle P.D. Badge number 227.

Put this vehicle down, truckie.

Right on. Thank you, officer. Thank you.

-You're the best. -Don't mention it.

Oh, man, people are always bad-mouthing the police...

...but let me tell you, they're only doing their job.

Hey. Somebody call the cops.

It's a great tape. Is this yours?

Yeah, I got that. I got everything by The Screaming Idiots.

This is the Ramones, actually.

I haven't heard the Idiots yet. Turn me on to them.

Oh, yeah, sure.

We got a problem. They know who we are and what we're driving.

I suggest new hostages and a faster car.

That's not the deal.

-I gotta go to the bathroom. -Can't you hold it in, Andrew?

I gotta go to the bathroom or I'm gonna explode.

We'll do this quickly. Me and the kid do our business.

We come back, we're out of here.

-Let's go. -Wait. I'll take him.

-I want Franklin to take me. -But he's a criminal.

But he's a nice criminal.

Thank you very much. Let's go. Come on.

At least your zipper's already down. Come on, kids.

That's gonna look perfect.

-So do you like your in-laws? Yeah? -Yes, I do.

Oh, excuse me.

-Hello. -Snip, clip, perm, frost, rinse or fluff?

-Whiz. -My son really needs to use the restroom.

I'm sorry. Our restrooms are for customers only.

-It's really an emergency. -Better the bathroom than the floor.

-Okay. Back there. -Come on.

Don't make a mess.

Stop. Wait right here, guys, okay?

No escape. Give me your hand.

What? Why?

This is sick.

Got a little stage fright.

Turn on the water. Turn on the water, please.

Look, why don't you try thinking of baseball, okay?

-Right. That's for sex. -No, I think it could work for both.

-I mean, try it. -Baseball. Baseball, okay.

Batter's up, pitcher's on the mound.

He looks in for the sign. Shakes it off.

Okay, the pitch, and....

Strike two. Okay, but the batter's a switch hitter, fortunately.

Sorry, I'm a natural righty.

What's the best thing about going to a baseball game?

Ice-cold beer. Those big, giant cups of ice-cold beer.

Oh, it tastes so good going down.

Oh, yes. Oh, that is great.

My, a conga line. Is there room for one more?

-No, sorry. Sorry, no. -Take a number, buddy.

-Thanks. Is he a friend of yours? -No.

Lot of germs in the bathroom. Lot of germs, I'll tell you.

All right. Stop with that, all right? Just stop it.

What's the deal? That kid go about once a week?

There goes my record.

Told you I had to go.

Well, you're the new champ, son. Your country's proud of you.

Watch this.

-All right, kids. Let's go. -I think I'm ready.

-I said I'm ready. -I don't work here.

I said I'm ready. I'm ready.

-What are you doing? -She's ready.

What do you think?

You're probably gonna have to wear a hat.

-Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah. -Can we go now?

-Hey, hey, what are you doing there? -We're waxing her lips.

I gently pull this away and the hair comes off.

That's so cool. I'd never have to shave Mom's hump again.

Yeah, she's got a hump on one side of her back there.

-Do you guys make house calls? -Why don't you just send her in?

-We're a lot of fun. -Really? Well, she's not.

Hey, hey, look at that.

What do you call that stuff?

-It's Hair Magic. -Oh, yeah?

So, what colors does it come in?

Comes in Jet Black, Racy Red, Sterling Silver and Passion Purple.

Really? Well, what color would you recommend for a guy like me?

That all depends on your personality.

In that case, you better give me all the Passion Purple you got.

Two cases, Bonnie.

Ready, set, go.

This is cool.

It looks great, don't it?

No. Look, I waited six weeks for this turquoise frost color.

-That's not sea foam green? -No, it's turquoise frost--

Purple's better because it's more manly.

It could turn lavender, then we'd be in trouble.

You finish up, I'll go and make a phone call.

I'll be right back. Come with me.

-No, I'll wait here. -No, come on.

No calls.

I mean, no obscene calls.

-He's trying to quit. -I am not.

Well, you should. What's your number?

911.

Very funny. Do you realize if I get arrested, you won't make your meeting.

You'll be filling out police reports till next October.

555-0113.

Thank you.

-Don't tell your wife where you are. -My wife? Oh, right, my wi-- Yeah.

-Yeah? -Honey, is that you?

Miller, where the hell are you?

Oh, I'm at the hairdresser's, darling.

Miller, Hammerman and his $10 million account...

...is gonna be waltzing in here in a few hours.

I miss you too. I know it would be terrible for me to miss my meeting.

-They would have to kidnap me-- -Easy.

Miller, get your butt in here with the presentation.

Yes, dear.

Yeah, I will, dear.

-What? -Of course I need your help, dear.

And I'll bring the rest of me with it too, dear. Yeah, what?

Yeah, I do. Of course I love you.

-Miller. -Okay, bye.

Have you gone nuts?

You're a lucky man.

If I had that kind of relationship with my wife, we'd still be together.

-Hi. -Franklin!

-Where have you been? I'm starving. -It's my mom. Listen.

Yes, yes, yes. Right now, I am getting my hair done.

Yes. Oh, well, I guess that makes me a sissy, doesn't it?

-Yes, that's right. -I'll be home soon.

-I wanna get in the car and go to Sizzler. -Don't go there, Mom.

Don't go there.

-Don't go there, Mom. Please? -You understand?

Don't-- Do not go to Sizzler, Mom!

For the love of God!

-Don't you ever speak to me-- -Mom!

-I'll take you out when I get home! -I'm gonna count to three.

After dark, Mom. Please, I beg you!

You listen to me, buster--

Thanks a lot, Bonnie. We'll see you.

This vehicle yours, sir?

-Why? You wanna handcuff me? -That's very funny.

You boys think the law is something to joke about?

No. I was just about ready to put another quarter in there.

It must have just ran out.

This baby is not even warm.

-Really? -Back off.

We're talking about a quarter here, okay?

There, two nickels and a dime. Keep the change.

-Pick up the money, sir. -What?

Pick up the money!

-Listen, maybe I should explain-- -Shut up.

I'm sorry. What did I tell you about being disrespectful to officers?

-Help. -My friend has Tourette's--

You boys are looking for freebies, aren't you?

First it's free parking time, then it's no income tax.

Well, somebody's gotta pay, you get me? Good citizens pay.

We pay with our lives because of these deadbeats like you...

...who are bleeding this city dry.

Have you ever shot anybody?

On the job, no.

That's him! That's him!

He's on TV.

We gotta go. Everybody in the van.

Okay, I'm sorry, officer, you're right. I was so rude, and I apologize.

I'm just having a really bad day.

You're doing your job, and you're great at it.

-Hey. This is yours. -Yes? Thank you.

It's him! He's on TV!

It's him. It's him. Stop.

He's a robber.

He's a robber.

-Pardon me, ma'am? -He's a robber.

The wobbah? What are you talking about?

He's a robber.

He's the kidnapper. The robber.

That guy? Oh, he's gonna pay.

-Attention, Lieutenant Erdman. -This is Erdman. Go ahead, Dispatch.

We have a unit in pursuit of a van on Long Street.

Bingo, bingo. Well done. Put me through to that unit in pursuit, will you?

I can't, sir.

-What do you mean you can't? -She won't take the call.

Well, you just find out that officer's name and her shield number now.

She's in Parking Enforcement.

She's not a meter maid, is she?

As a matter of fact--

Oh, boy.

Let the street cops handle this?

No way. That rat bastard is mine.

She's definitely after us.

Franklin, she's gaining.

You're mine. You are mine, man.

Hold on, everybody.

Watch out.

Well, she's not behind us anymore.

She's beside us.

Watch it. Watch out, watch out.

Watch out. Get out of the way.

Officer in pursuit. Officer in pursuit.

That ought to slow her down.

Can't keep me down.

She's not giving up. You gotta respect that.

Look out!

Okay, okay, it's gonna be fine, kids. Get down. Now, now.

Come on.

Leave me alone.

Listen, maybe now's the time to just give yourself up, huh?

Quitters never win, Dan. Remember that, kids.

What are you doing?

Those are my wife's. What are you...?

What seems to be the problem, officer?

We're engaged in a statewide manhunt.

Oh, what a coincidence. So are we.

Somebody ripped off a Hammerman's Gourmet To Go.

Took a bunch of kids hostage in a van.

That is so sad. You know, I blame Hollywood.

Do they have a description of the suspect?

-Honey. He's such a gossip. -I'm not.

This is just awful.

Don't worry. We'll find the people.

-There's something you should know. -Yes. You got a smudge.

-I do? -Right there.

-Where? -Yes, you see it. Right there.

You see it too, don't you, honey? Right there.

-Did I get it? -Okay, right there. You got it, you got it.

-Thanks. -I appreciate it when people tell me, so....

-Officer-- -Anyway, listen, I hope you catch that guy.

Right. On your way.

They're probably right under your noses.

Come on.

Oh, darn.

And now, I find you in bed with my mother.

What kind of father are you?

We interrupt this program for a live update from Scott Lewis. Scott?

I'm standing in front of Bonnie's Beauty Box...

...where the hostage group made a stop earlier.

With me now is one of the clients who was in the shop at the time.

-Tell me what you saw, ma'am. -Well, I was having my lips--

Tending to my beauty needs.

--and this maniac comes in with a boy who hasn't been allowed to pee for days.

-One of the kidnapped children. -Yes.

And another little guy with a weird, misshapen head and bulging eyes.

It was horrible.

I'll never forget that poor little frog boy.

Scott Lewis with a live update on the kidnapped children.

And to frog boy and the others, wherever you may be...

...this reporter is on your side.

Now, back to you, Brad.

Oh, we got company.

Relax, everybody. Relax, relax.

-They're driving away. Driving away. -Yes.

Oh, no. Oh, boy.

Here we go again.

-What are you doing? -I'm driving into the truck, Dan.

Didn't you ever watch The A-Team?

Cool.

-Is it cold in here, or is it just me? -I need my jacket.

-I need a T-shirt. -Huddle up together if you're cold.

-I'll turn on the heat. -Oh, that's brilliant.

To get heat, you have to turn on the engine...

...thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphyxiation.

On second thought, forget about the heat.

Who farted?

Nasty.

Did you cut the cheese, Dan?

For God's sakes, no, I did not.

Something crawled up inside you and died.

-I didn't do it, okay? -What about you, mister?

Hey, he who smelt it, dealt it, Franklin.

-You playing the butt trumpet, Kayla? -What? Girls don't fart.

Really? Come over to my house and ask my mom why the cats committed suicide.

It's him.

-Travis. -Travis.

"Fart spray." That's great.

I gotta get some of that for Keith. Put that in a safe place.

-Who's Keith? -My son, and today is his 12th birthday.

-Are you gonna give him a birthday party? -I'd like to, but he lives with his mom.

It's impolite to ask the bad man personal questions.

-Do you miss him? -Yeah, I miss him a lot.

Why don't you move back, then?

My ex-wife wouldn't like that very much. We didn't get along too well.

-Why not? -It's mostly my fault.

I wasn't a very good provider, like your dad is.

That's why I was gonna rob the bank.

I was about to lose my business, and I got people dependent on me.

And when I couldn't afford to buy Keith a birthday present...

-...that was the last straw. -That's so sad.

I bet you and Keith have lots of fun together.

Yeah, we do. We go to a lot of ball games.

Actually, we sneak into a lot of ball games.

He's a big Seahawks fan, like I am.

That's what I was gonna get him...

...a football autographed by all the Seahawks.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, yeah. We go hiking, and we go biking, and we go rollerblading.

And we have burping contests.

Yeah. We're like best friends.

I just, you know, don't get to see him as much as I'd like to.

Hey, I bet you guys do a lot of cool stuff together too.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We....

Hey, I think we're stopping.

What the hell's that?

Oh, cool, backwards.

Doors. Doors.

It's the mall.

I've never been here on a school day.

-Can we shop? -Wow, window shopping.

Excuse me, excuse me, coming through.

Okay. Oh, buddy. Get out of the way there, pal.

Thank you very much. I appreciate that. Coming through.

Excuse me. Sorry, sir. Sorry. Thanks, old-timer.

Talk to you later. All right, coming through.

Sorry, folks. Heading off. Here we are.

All right. Sorry about that.

This is Clarence. I got a big problem here.

No, it ain't no shoplifter.

It's a grape minivan moving through the mall.

You lay down in front of it, then.

Minivan located in the Northfield Mall.

All units in the vicinity, respond.

Yeah, this is Erdman. I'm three minutes away. Check.

Eat my dust, sucker.

I'm two minutes away.

I knew boring those cylinder heads would pay off.

Right, sir. Sorry. Sorry about that.

-I'm okay. Thank you very much. -Hey, get out of the way.

All right, heads up. Beep, beep. Coming through. Sorry. Pick a side.

Excuse me. Gangway.

-May I just say something? -What's that?

Mall, mall, mall. We are driving through a mall.

Yeah. I thought I'd do a few laps first. How do we get out of here?

-Monroe Street exit or West Market. -Take West Market.

Wait. Why are you guys helping him?

-We like him. -He's fun.

You're on his side? But I'm the good guy.

Good guy, bad guy. Good guy, bad guy.

It's true, kids. Good guy, bad guy.

Good guy, bad guy. Good guy, bad guy.

-You're funny. -Thank you, but it's true.

Hey, watch out, weirdo.

We got this guy now. Everybody start fanning out, all right?

I want you, exits left.

You, exits right.

Fan out, cover them all now.

All right, making a left.

Freeze, dirtbag.

-She's got spunk. -Get out of the van.

-What are you packing? -Spear gun.

-Where'd you get it? -Cards N Things.

-Is that down by Pretzel Man? -Third level, across from Roots.

-By Lady Foot Locker? -Get out of the van!

Listen, I'm gonna get her to move. Don't leave without me.

You know, I really like you. I do.

So I'd like you to put that down so we could just talk about this.

Talk is cheap. Kiss the marble.

-With my lips? -Okay, bucko, let me see those armpits.

-You can back off now. I'll take over. -Drop your gun.

Drop it. It's my collar.

I am the commanding officer in this pursuit, and you are a meter maid.

-So what? -Just put the gun on the ground.

-You wish. -For once in your life...

...would you obey the chain of command?

Now, put the spear gun on the ground and walk away.

Oh, you're the expert on walking away.

-Okay, bad choice of words. -You're right, you're right.

-It was more like running away, wasn't it? -Martha, do we have to get into this now?

What would you think of a hotshot ex-Marine MP...

...who, after eight long years...

...finally asks his former drill instructor to marry him?

Put the gun down.

The church is filled with red, white and blue flowers.

The bridesmaids are spit-polishing their jackboots...

...and I'm there.

Just one thing missing.

The groom.

So after an extensive recon...

...I had to climb up on that altar...

...and tell the people who mean the most to me in my life...

...that, in fact, you had just chickened out.

What would you do?

I'd shoot him.

Yeah.

Martha, I am so sorry. I'm so sorry.

All right, kids, hang on.

Hey. Hey, come back. Come back.

Oh, no.

-Don't move. -Hey, you, stop it.

Hey, you. Wait a minute. Hey. Stop him.

Hey. Wanna hit that unlock button there, mister?

I'd really rather not. Call me at the office.

-Get in. -Andrew, don't.

We don't need the bad man anymore.

Thanks. Great job. You guys just about lost me, man.

Stop. Stop it.

Stop or I'll shoot.

-Okay, I'll drive. -No, no.

I am taking control.

I have a meeting, and I am tired of being chased...

...and of people threatening me with spears.

These things don't happen to me. I am a Presbyterian.

Dad?

I'm coming, you dirtbag.

Watch out. Here I come.

Police. Coming through. Everybody get out of the way.

I'm after you, bud.

Out of the way, everybody. Everybody, out of the way.

Watch it. Hey, watch it. Watch out.

Watch it.

Coming through.

Hey, buddy, I got you now.

You are mine.

Franklin?

Out of the way. Everybody, out of the way.

Martha, are you all right, darling?

Are you okay?

Did you fall a long way?

Ambulance? You sure?

-All right? You want me to do anything? -Get off of me!

All right, all right. You want me to drive?

-No. Get in. -Okay. Okay.

-Hold on. -All right.

-Tighter. -Tight is good.

This guy's gonna be trapped. All units close in.

Oh, this doesn't look good.

Oh, yeah? Did I mention that this van has four-wheel drive?

Go around. No, go around. No, no, no.

All right. Go, go.

Oops, sorry about that. I'm sorry. It's okay.

We'll be out of your way. I'm sorry.

Oh, okay. Go, go, go.

-Hurry, hurry, hurry. -Move out of the way.

Just move out of the way.

-Freeze! -All right, send out the hostages.

We got them now.

Well done, boys.

Buckle up.

-There's the kids. -Watch it. He's getting away.

We can blow through that. It's only glass.

You're forgetting one important piece of information.

We're on the second floor!

Next time, I think I'll walk to school.

Dispatch, this is Lieutenant Erdman here. The van has eluded our grasp again.

I want choppers.

Yeah, I want helicopters.

I want the whole fleet!

The whole armada! Fly them in!

Toodle-loo.

Artist's rendition of the kidnapped children based on eyewitness accounts.

As we show them to you, we warn you, do not adjust your TV sets.

This is the one nicknamed Frog Boy.

There are at least four other children who look normal...

...though there is a theory that the children...

...may be part of some bizarre government experiment.

One more time.

-Yeah. -Excellent job of driving, Daniel.

-I was pretty good, wasn't I? -Oh, yes.

-You were great. -Yeah, well, I watch a lot of action movies.

-Hey, it shows. -Yeah? Thank you.

You were awesome, Dad.

Yeah, well, thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

I mean, that was fun, wasn't it?

Oh, no. What was that?

Franklin. Look at this.

-I said not to drive through the food court. -Okay, here we go. Lower.

Lower. Low--

Higher, higher, higher.

Jeez, you're worse at changing a tire than you are at taking hostages.

Well, that's all right, because you guys aren't hostages anymore.

You're my friends.

Franklin, we're not your friends, okay?

Okay, you're family.

No. No. No one in my family robs gourmet markets.

-Really? -Yeah. I'm sure of it.

Well, I'll tell you what.

I did it to save my carnival.

-Oh, the carnival. -That's right.

-Oh, well, that's really a worthy cause. -Well, it is.

I employ 41 and a half people.

That's 43 mouths to feed.

Oh, yeah? Well, you know what?

You can't be doing too well...

...if robbery is the best way you can think of to bring in new capital.

You're right. We're not doing well.

And frankly, this political-correctness thing is killing the sideshow.

But we do something a lot better than making money.

-Really? What's that? -We make people happy.

See the kids' faces when they see the show.

-You love kids? -Yes, I do.

-Okay, you love kids. -That's right.

Well, what kind of a guy holds five kids at gunpoint all day long?

Right. When you look at it like that, you're right.

-Yeah, I am right. -Okay.

No. No. No.

Isn't that great?

You held me hostage with a lighter?

Yeah.

You idiot.

You kidnapped me, you forced me to go to the bathroom with you.

You flash-froze me, you drove me through a mall.

You didn't have the courtesy of being armed and dangerous.

But it was fun, wasn't it?

-No. -We had a great time.

All right, all right. Get away from me. Just get away from me, okay?

You know what? Find your own way home, okay?

Come on, kids. I'm going to my meeting.

Daniel, I thought we had a deal.

You promised him, Dad.

Oh, yeah? Well, that's a promise that I am breaking.

Andrew, what are you doing?

I'm staying with him.

You've always told us a deal is a deal.

Well, that doesn't apply when you're being held against your will, son.

It's okay, Andrew. Go with your dad.

No.

I'm with them, but it takes me too long to get out and back in.

-So I'll just stay here. -Ditto.

Just go to your meeting, Dad. We'll walk with Franklin.

No.

A deal is a deal.

Come on.

-Well, here we are. -Yeah.

-Glad this is over. -Yeah. Yeah, me too.

Well, that's the deal, you know.

-So.... -Be sure to write from prison.

Okay. I will.

Right.

Kids.

I'm gonna miss you guys. Thanks for everything.

I'll see you around, okay?

-Bye, Franklin. -Bye.

-We'll miss you. -Bye.

-Bye. -I gotta use the ladies' room.

Me too.

Me three.

No. He doesn't have a bathroom here.

I got a bathroom. And it's clean, and it's warm. Come on in.

Lots of stuff I wanna show you. It will just take a second.

-Come on in. -What? What?

I can't see.

I'm scared.

-Bucky. -What?

I thought you might be scared, so I grabbed your shoulder.

That wasn't my shoulder.

-It wasn't? -No.

I know what part that was.

I'm getting out.

Oh, this isn't funny.

Franklin.

Franklin. Where are you?

Cool.

Ladies and gentlemen, kids of all ages, fun lovers and thrill seekers.

Welcome to the Laszlo Brothers Carnival.

Over half this century's spectacular rides and unbelievably amazing spectacles.

-A Ferris wheel. -Neat.

Tilt-a-whirl.

-Would you look at that? -Ride the Laszlo introductory train.

-Let's go. Come on. -Come on, come on.

-Let's go. -Now, enjoy.

Come on.

This is where we store the rides. We keep it set up for safety testing.

We got a Ferris wheel, tilt-a-whirl, zipper, merry-go-round, bumper car.

I love bumper cars.

It's bumper car. The bank repossessed the rest.

-Mind if I sit here? -You again.

-It looks complicated. -A trained monkey could operate it.

He was till we had a hassle with the Humane Society.

Will you ride the Ferris wheel with me?

-I'm not getting on that deathtrap. -We won that lawsuit.

-What? -Okay. We tied, but it's safe.

I guarantee it. All right, kids.

Now, pull the safety bar tight against your waist.

And if you gotta puke, puke to the left.

Hold on.

See, that's easy. Come on. I'll let you start the Ferris wheel.

All right, buckle up, buddy.

-Hey, hang on, Andrew, okay? -Okay, put your hand here.

Slowly. Slowly.

And...

...there it goes.

Hey, actually, you've done a pretty good job.

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna miss it.

Yeah.

I'm giving the money back.

Damn right you are.

Remember us?

You know, criminal to criminal, my advice to you is...

...never, ever leave your truck parked near the scene of a crime.

Especially with your name and address plastered all over the side of it.

That's good advice, fellas. I appreciate it. But listen, we're closed.

-If you come back next Tuesday morning-- -Give me your gun.

Thanks.

Now, go get our money.

We got a ring toss, we got a dunk tank. We got a merry-go-round.

It's fun. If you want, you could try it.

This is great.

Think fast.

-This is it. -Sorry. I don't smoke.

No, you don't. I'll take that.

All right. Don't move.

We got the money this time, and we're walking.

Help! Help me! Help!

Oh, no.

-I gotta stop it. -Isn't there an emergency brake?

Yeah, it's right here.

-Pull harder. We gotta stop it. -Damn, it's broken.

It shorted out.

I need something to jam up these gears. Get me--

It's gonna be-- It's gonna be too thick.

Come on. Hang on, Andrew.

Hang on, buddy. We're gonna get you down.

-How about this? -Yeah. Come on.

I think this will work.

Dad.

-Help. -You keep this jammed in here.

-I'm gonna go get the kid. -No, no.

No, he's my son. I'm gonna go.

-Come on. Somebody. -Be careful.

Please, somebody.

-Help. Dad, come on. -Don't worry, Andrew. Here I am.

Help me.

Please.

Come on, Dad. Help me.

-I'll be right there, Andrew. -Please.

Dad.

Dad, help.

-Please, somebody. Anybody. -Coming, Andrew.

I'm scared.

Please. I'm really scared.

-Help me. -Okay.

-Hold on, Andrew. Come on. -Dad, please.

-Dad, help me. Please. -All right.

Okay, Andrew.

-Please. -Grab my hand.

I'm scared.

So am I, but I'm your father and I love you.

And I won't drop you.

-He's got you, Andrew. -Okay, Andrew.

I got you. It's okay. I got you.

-He got him. -Come on, Andrew.

-There's no time. -Better hurry up, guys.

-Hurry up. -Come on.

There's no time.

Okay, you're never gonna make it.

Throw Andrew down to me, and then you jump right there.

Okay, grab my hand.

-Pitch him down to me and jump there. -Andrew, it will be okay.

Come on. I will catch him.

I guarantee it.

Hurry up. Trust me, Daniel. You gotta move.

Hurry, Dad. Come on.

-Yeah. -Yes.

-Good job. Good job. -You're in good hands with Franklin.

-Yeah. Okay, jump. -Jump.

It's gonna go. Hurry up, Daniel.

-Mr. Miller. -It's okay.

-Come on. Jump. -Jump.

Go, Dad. You can do it.

Yes.

Dad.

-Dad? -Where is he?

Face fits.

-Dad. -You're okay.

-Mr. Miller. -Ain't you cute?

-Are you all right? -Mr. Miller.

-Be careful. -All right.

-All right. -You okay?

-You okay? -Thanks.

-All right, Dad. -It must have been really scary.

What about those guys?

I've got an idea.

Please. No, no. Please.

-Please, no. -All right.

-I have vertigo. -Crank it up.

See you later, suckers.

He's just getting a ride.

Oh, I'm sorry about your presentation.

I don't know if the materials are still gonna be good or not.

No, that's okay. I couldn't make it there in time, anyway.

You could if I drove.

What is a grocery store but a big refrigerator?

A cold place for food.

With a door.

And when the door is open, the light is on.

And when it's closed--

You know, recently, Kirk has suffered a head injury.

Only one?

Well, that's it. This whole thing has been a complete waste of my time.

Let's go, Victor.

Mr. Hammerman.

Oh, sorry.

Hi. I'm Daniel Miller. I'm sorry I'm late.

But I....

Well, let's just say I got held up.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we just say goodbye?

Mr. Hammerman.

One half-hour from now, you will be the newest client of Bauer and Cole.

And a half-hour from now, I shall have been back in my office...

...for 20 minutes.

Look, maybe there's something you don't understand.

Somebody robbed one of my stores, some psychopath...

...and then he took children as hostages.

Now, it may not mean much to you, but to me...

...it is the greatest public relations crisis in my life.

Is that understood?

And I have to get back to it.

Can you get that in your heads?

Hi, I'm your psychopath.

And we're the hostages.

Actually, I'm not really a psychopath.

There's most of your money, minus hair dye for the car.

Mr. Hammerman, I....

I want a do-over.

A do-what?

-Well-- -Like Mrs. Karkinney's five husbands.

A do-over, like a mulligan in golf, except you don't lose your balls.

If you do lose your balls, I'll help you find them.

Could you just give me 20 minutes?

-No. -Ten minutes?

No. I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give you...

...until the time it takes the police to get here.

Victor.

Well, this is a pretty good neighborhood, so I'd say you got about three minutes.

-I'm calling from Bauer and Cole. -Mr. Hammerman.

The kidnapper you've been looking for is here with the kids.

Right. Good.

Do you know what your store's slogan should be?

Kids hate Hammerman's.

It's true. When I asked my kids, they said your stores are no fun.

Yeah. They suck.

She's a cute little devil, isn't she?

Well, actually, children are not our target demographic.

-That's your problem, pal. -The name is Hammerman, not pal.

Every day, two or more of your customers retire and move to Florida.

-Or Forest Lawn. -Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, this city is getting--

It's getting younger, not older.

Five years from now, you're gonna have a customer shrinkage problem.

Right, because when people get older, they start shrinking.

Well, the point is, you see, Mr. Hammerman, these kids...

...they're your future.

I'm from the future.

You have to start selling things that kids really like.

Like hot dogs.

Yeah, hot dogs with that really hot cheese in the middle...

...that when you bite it, it burns your lip.

Because you're Hammerman's, they're gourmet hot dogs.

And you know what gourmet means.

And for God's sakes, get some doughnuts.

Research has proven that upscale consumers do not like doughnuts.

I don't know. I....

My grandchildren like doughnuts.

I like doughnuts.

Hey, I love doughnuts. You know what my favorite kind are?

Those custard-filled Long Johns with the white sugar frosting on top of it.

Those are great.

That's not a doughnut, my friend.

A doughnut should be about that big.

Chocolate, chocolate on the inside...

...and on the top, you put the creamy chocolate frosting.

That is a doughnut.

I hope they have those in prison.

Mr. Hammerman.

If anyone can make your store fun and, you know, kid-friendly--

I mean, if anyone can save Hammerman's Gourmet To Go, it's Bauer and Cole.

Right. I didn't advertise with Bauer and Cole.

I went out of business.

Yeah, but somehow I think that advertising was the least of your problems.

You got a point there, buddy.

-Give me five. -The name is Hammerman...

...and I wouldn't give you three.

Okay.

You gentlemen, you have a slogan for this campaign?

Hammerman's. Kills bugs dead.

Hammerman's. You're soaking in it.

Hammerman's--

Thank you, Travis. That was a good try.

Hey, I don't make them up. I just memorize them.

Yeah.

Our slogan is....

Hammerman's....

Because your kids are the most important thing in the world to you.

I like it.

-All right. -Yeah.

-Attaboy. Good job. -Yes.

-Yes. -Yes.

I don't know why I like it, but I like it.

All right.

Okay. So when can you guys make a formal presentation?

I'll have to get a tuxedo.

He can have that ready for you first thing Monday morning.

Actually, Jeffery...

...no.

I can't.

I've got some very important things to do this weekend.

What could be more important than your job?

Spending time with my family.

You know, like rollerblading, backpacking....

Burping contests.

Burping contests.

Oh, and I'm taking my wife and kids on a vacation.

-Disneyland? -Maui?

Beirut?

And when I get back, I'm not gonna be able to work weekends anymore.

And I'm gonna have to be home by 6 every day.

Oh, right, Andrew. Except on Tuesdays...

...I have to be out by 3 to coach my son's Little League team.

But that's not possible, Daniel, because you're gonna be a partner.

You know what, Jeffery? You're right.

It's not possible.

And I'm sorry, but I quit.

-You quit? -Yes.

Fine.

Don't worry, Mr. Hammerman.

Kirk here will handle your campaign.

I'm not worried about anything.

You're through.

I wanna work with them.

I could use a nut like you at the carnival.

Maybe you could geek. Ever bit the head off a chicken?

Not lately.

Because of the kids, I'll drop the charges if you'll do 500 hours community service.

And that's about it except...

...there will be doughnuts.

-All right. Doughnuts. -All right.

-Franklin. Franklin. -How you doing, Travis?

-I want you to meet somebody. -Alrighty.

That's Franklin.

-Greetings, Franklin. -So you must be Travis' father.

God's sakes.

Hey.

Where did you learn to drive?

-From you. -I'm a great driver.

Not according to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

I like riding the bus. That's where I discover new acts.

-Right. -Come on. What took you so long?

Well, I didn't take our usual shortcut through the mall.

-That's another joke? -Yeah.

-That's good. That's good. -Right this way. This way.

Get your gourmet doughnuts, please.

Come and get them. The doughnuts, the anchovies.

-Thought he'd be a silent partner. -Asparagus doughnut.

Hey, you.

How would you like to buy a nose, eh?

-I can't believe it. -I can't believe it, either.

We open up a new market for him, and he gives us a new source of capital.

Okay, folks, come on. Gourmet doughnuts.

Well, I'm glad he dropped the charges.

I got 495 hours of community service. Gonna be at the park tomorrow.

-Wanna join? -Not if you held a gun to my head.

They got me scraping gum from underneath the benches.

After spending time on my hands and knees at the park...

...I'm in favor of that pooper-scooper law.

Dad.

-Hey. -Hey, son. How are you?

-Franklin, my mom wants to meet you. -Yeah?

How are you?

Still a little tender.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

The little lovebirds right there.

Franklin.

-How you doing, buddy? Hi. -Hi.

I don't know what you did to him, and I don't wanna know, but I'm glad you did it.

Me too, Franklin.

You're embarrassing me in front of the carnies.

-Sorry. -Last time I got hugged hard...

...Mom broke my ribs and ruptured my spleen.

-I missed most of the first grade. -Where is your mom, anyway?

Oh, I was gonna meet her for lunch.

Go, go, go.

Move it. Move it. Move it.

Go, go, go.

What's a woman have to do to get some service around here?

Get out of my way.

Get back in there.

No, no, man. She bit me.

Salad bar? Well, that's what I think of your salad bar.

From now on, I'm going to Denny's.

You get back here, waiter. I want that shrimp.