All language subtitles for Bless.This.Mess.S02E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[ Gavel bangs ]I hereby call the Founder's Day

Planning Committee meeting
to order.

Okay, can I tempt you ladies
with a charcuterie board?

Maybe amuse your bouche?

[ Chuckles ]Oh, wow.

Mike, that's a beautiful
cheese plate.

I always wondered
what you did all day.

Hmm.Okay, so, this year...

That looks good....we're gonna go all out

to celebrate the founding
of the town...I'll have some later.

...by my husband Kent's great-,
great-, great-grandfather,

Thaddeus Wyatt.

He came here
a long time ago

with nothing but a knife anda passion for killing animals...Oh.

...and he turned this town into
the greatest fur-trading post

that Nebraska's ever seen.

Ooh, Deb, you, like, marriedinto Bucksnort royalty.

Yeah.
I suppose I did,and that's why on Founder's Day,

we treat Kent like a king,and he wears the Founder's Cape.Oh.

Wow. A cape?
So regal.

Well,
it's made out of deer

and it's got a bunch
of bullet holes in it.

Yeah. And every year, we reenactthe founding of Bucksnort.

Ooh, reenactment.I'm kind of a closet thespian.

And we've all come to love
the theatrical

and the weird things
that you choose to do, Rio...

Thanks....and with that in mind,
what we've decided is...

we'd like to offer you the role
of the...Maiden of Bucksnort.

-[ Gasps ]
-Yes.
-What?

[ Applause ]It's an honor, Rio.

Every year,
we pick the woman

that represents the spirit
of our town.

And y-you picked me?Yes.

Constance: Yes.
I'm just --I'm flabbergasted.

Yeah, so, Connie, can you let
Kent know when he can come by

for you to take his picture
for the story in the paper?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
-Oh, wait.

Bucksnort
has a newspaper?

Deb: Oh, yeah. The Bucksnort Bugle.
Founded in 1876.

It comes out once a year.

I'd be happy
to help out.

I could write up a pieceon Kent.

You know, Mike is
a tremendous writer.

Come on.He was a journalist
in New York.

Come on, no.
I just, you know --You'd be lucky to have him.

I reviewed music,and I-I wrote a few profiles,

but I did get really closeto a
Rolling Stonecover once.

It was so political, babe.
That was not...

I took a big swingwith a reply-all e-mail,

and it -- it backfired.

I don't want to hear all that.Just take it. The paper's yours.

The whole --
The whole paper?
The --

Yeah, it's all yours.
Just take it.

Honey, wow.
Okay.
Uh, uh...

Wow.I can't wait to dig in.

No need to dig. Just print
the school lunch menu.

Great. And where do I --I'll get that from the school.

Okay.Don't even think about it.Yeah.

Uh, excuse me,
can I, um, just --

I need your help over herewith something.

Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

We'll be right back.[ Laughs ]

I'm the Maiden!I'm -- I'm a media tycoon!

You're a media mogul!
Are you kidding me?

You're just a --

[ Muffled ] It'll be fun.

Okay. Okay.
Okay.

--Captions by VITAC--

♪♪

Rio: Alright, my first
rehearsal's today.

So what do you thinkof this voice?

[ Clears throat ]

[ Deep voice ]Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

She's a maiden, yeah?[ Normal voice ]
Yeah, but, like --

Do you think maybe, um, like,
just a little bit higher?

Like [High-pitched voice]
Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

Yeah, but I was hopingto kind of subvert the norm.

You know what I mean?Mm-hmm.

[ Normal voice ] By the way,
Connie brought over

some past issues
of the Bugle.

Oh. Wow. Kent's reallygone through a hair journey.

You know,
Founder's Day is --

it's covered the exact same way
every year.

Oh.
I mean, I want people
to be excited, right?

Like, I want them to demand
that the Bugleis bi-annual.

That's my goal.

Can I say something
in, like,

a super-chill,
very relaxed way?

Oh, yeah.Just to kind of --

Door's always open
for a little...

Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

You rememberthere was that one time

you were covering that storyabout the breakup of Sonic Youth

and you, like, chewed through
four night guards?

Yeah. Uh...Do you remember that?

I just mean, like,this is a small town.

I don't want youto get to that space.

I-In my defense, three of them
were defective.

I did...gnaw through
one of them.

But -- But I think

the bigger point
that you're making, I hear.

Good.
And I am gonna just focus
on this being fun.

I'm just saying,don't rock the boat, you know?

It's like,I am the Maiden now,

and you areMr. Editor-in-Chief.

Oh, yeah.And we're likea Bucksnort power couple now.

Oh.
You know?

It's like we have a reputationto uphold.

Mm. Okay.
Okay?

Mm-hmm.
Okay, good.

Alright.
Alright.

[ Screams ] God!

Rudy, how long have you been
standing there?

What -- Okay.

W-What the heck was that?I don't know.

What's he doing?He was standing there.

This must be for you.

[ Inhales,
exhales sharply ]

"To the Editor of the Bugle.Don't believe Kent's lies."

Signed, "Any Mouse."

He must mean
"anonymous."

I mean,
I should think so.But wh--

Oh, I --What are Kent's lies?

Just, you know...You're right.You're right. Right.

I'm gonna keep it light.I'm gonna keep it light.
Let it go, alright?

[ Deep voice ]
Oh, Thaddeus, my love.

[ Door closes ]

Rudy?
I read your "anonymous" note.

That wasn't me.That could have been any mouse.

But pretty interesting stuffabout Kent lying, huh?

Yeah, I'm just not
really looking

for that type of thing
right now.

Oh, really?
Look at this.

Kent's familydidn't discover Bucksnort.

My ancestorArchibald Longfellow did.

This is his journal.
[ Clears throat ]

"I want to call our newsettlement Buck Town,

but my wife snorted
at the notion,

so I'm calling it
Bucksnort.

Which she also hates."

But then he goes on
to say,

"The trees are gossiping
about me again.

I hate them. I hate them.
I hate them."

I just don't know that we can
rely on Archibald as a source.

Please, help me
uncover the truth.

Isn't that whata real reporter does?

No. No.
Nope. No, no.

This is
a community paper.

I am not looking
for big stories.

I want pictures
of cute kids eating stuff.

Huh. I can see you'rein the pocket of the Wyatts,

like everybody else.

The back pocket.
Where it stinks.

Just talk to Deb
about it.

Put it on the desk, and I'lljust tell you when I'm coming.

You don't even
have to be here.

I don't want to
have to sort --

-[ Screams ]
-Mom, Dad.

Mr. and Mrs. Bowman.

What the hell
are you doing?!

I know what you're doing!Why? I know why!

Get the hose!
Get the hose!

No, no, no, you don't haveto get the hose, Dad!

You want me to give Jacob
the sex talk?

Please.
We'll pay.

I mean,
you're a therapist

and you're also
kinda slutty.

Both things I went to college
to accomplish.

I...love this idea.

However, it really does
need to come from Dad.

Rio:That's the best place.

And also, I've just been
really busy lately.

I don't know if you heard,but I'm -- I'm playingthe Maiden of Bucksnort.

And you're taking the time
to talk to us?Beau: Oh, my God.
Congratulations.

Little old us.
Bless you.

Really excited.

Okay,
I will talk to Jacob,

but could you give me some tips
on words to use?

'Cause I really feel like
I might just black out.

The best thing to do
is really to be honest.

Remember, you don't want
to be judgmental.

You don't want to be shaming,
right?

Well, how are you supposed to
talk about it, then?

Well, what you can do
is kind of explain the physical

and emotional components
to sexual intercourse and --

Oh, now, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.

And just remember,
it's like your son is now a man

who wants to use his body

just to express his love
through his --Shut your mouth.

[ Crying ]

Can you get --

Uh, the spin might look a littleweird in the photograph.

Maybe just hold it still?

[ Camera shutter clicking ]There we go.That's nice.

Real Dave Crockett-y.That's really fun.

You know, I would havethought that cape

would look
a little older.

Huh?[ Velcro rips ]

Oh, is that Velcro?

Mike, I want to thank you
for keeping the paper going.

You know, for telling the story
that we all love...

and agree on.

[ Rooster crows in distance ]

You know, uh...funny thingabout that story.

There is a contradictory storyout there.

I don't know if you've seenArchibald's journal.

Oh. [ Chuckles ] Yeah.
What a hoot.

[ Both laugh ]

Yeah, you know,
but, uh, listen,

if you need a veterinarian
at any time, you call me,

and if you guys are thinking
about breeding...

sperm's on me.

Sperm's on you.
Yeah.

[ Bleats ]Mike: Okay.

I can't believe I'm saying this,but, Rudy, you were right.

Kent is hiding
something.

He offered me sperm.

Okay, before you run anyof Any Mouse's accusations,

I should let you know...I'm Any Mouse.

Thank you, but I'm gonna need
hard evidence.

What else you got
in this trunk?

Generations
of Longfellow artifacts.

[ Rattling ]

What are those?
Baby teeth?

No shortage of those.

Longfellows have
an extra half row.

Jackpot.
Dog bones.

Alright, now,what's this fur thing?

Don't be dense, Mike.

That's a dog bone wrap.[ Gasps ]

Oh, my.
[ Gasps ]

Bullet holes.Do you know what this means?

This might bethe real Founder's Cape.

I mean,
this is a story.

[ Laughs ]

Fantastic.

But, now, what should I use
as a dog bone wrap?

I'm so excited for you to getthe first issue of my newspaper.

Yeah, I can't wait
to read it.

Uh, oh, heads up, I did exactlywhat you asked me not to do.

What does that mean?

What do you mean by that?[ Indistinct conversations ]

Why on God's
green Earth

would you stir up
an old family blood feud?

"Who's the Prince
of Bucksnort?"

You called Kent a liar?

Why?
Why'd you do this?

I just
journalistically --[ Pounds on window ]

Oh, dear.

Kent. Kent.
Oh, wow. Kent.

Oh, wow.Oh, no! No, no!
Kent! Oh, Kent!

Well, I-I think the free sperm'soff the table.

I-I'm just trying
to understand.

Like, are you happy
with this result?

Like, is this --is this what you intended?

Oh, yeah.
I have never had someone

burn something I've written
right in front of me.

Yeah.
Do you know how muchyou have to care about something

to light it on fire?
Yes.

And I'm gonna find the truth
no matter what the cost.

Shout-out to my guys
W and B.

Are you talking about Woodwardand Bernstein right now?

Mm! Yes.

Oh, my God.

They're still alive.

Mike, speaking asthe spirit of Bucksnort,

you are tearing
my town apart.

Tear the tow--
I'm savingthe town.

The town has been way too
comfortable for way too long,

and I'm here, and I got
some things to say.

Are you, like, gearing upfor the next edition right now?

I am gonna
fix this town...

Mike....with the best tool I have
at my disposal.

What's that?

More journalism.

No.
Not that.

Jakey,
you're a young man.

Mm-hmm.

You've seen the horsesin heat, right?

[ Chuckling ] What?

No.

Maybe.

Is it okay if I did?

Never mind.

Okay.

You have a penis.

Yuck.

[ Breathing heavily ]

A woman has
two components.

Time is an emotion.

Don't rush.

Dad, um...

is this the sex talk?

I hope so.
You tell me.

I never thought you'd want
to talk about this,

but I-I'm definitely
going to be

having sexual intercourse
with Janine very soon,

and I think
that we would both love

to talk to you
about our decision.

You -- You want meto have the -- the talk

with youand your girlfriend?

And -- And it would be reallynice if Mom could be there, too.

Absolutely.
Yes.

Yeah?
Yes.

This should happento your mother, too.

And the Maiden
bore Thaddeus many sons,

each one larger
than the last.

[ Whispering ]
I am so fertile.

-Louder, Clara.
-I feel like I'm screaming.

But you're not scream--Hey, I'm so sorry I'm late.
Sorry.

I, um -- I have some ideas
for Maiden.

I thought maybe she could have,
like, a limp.

You know, it's like,
"Ooh, what's the story there?"

You know? Oh.

Isn't that
the Maiden's crown?

Why -- Why is Clara wearingthe Maiden's crown?

I am so sorry.

About what?Uh, Rio, you know what?

Turns out y-you don't embodythe spirit of Bucksnort,

so I found a better rolefor you.

Kent's gonna stab youin the throat.

I'm sorry,
what's happening?

As Thaddeus
slashes the throat

of the final
Nebraskan buck,

he brings the species
into extinction.

That's gonna be you.

Yeah.
O-Okay.

Um, Deb, does this
have something

to do with
Mike's article?

No.

N-No?
No, no, no. No.

I don't thinkthat a subpar writer

who was fired
from his last job

could really write anything thatcould tarnish Kent's legacy.

So, no.

Mike was an amazing journalist
in New York,

just so you know, okay?

And up until this moment
right now, I was on yourside.

But now I'm kinda like,
"Was he onto something?"

No. Just go.
You know what?
Oh.

Because this rehearsal'sfor people with speaking parts,

and the buck...

the buck just kinda runs aroundand screams.

Oh, good God.So, yeah.

Horrible
screaming noises.

[ Screams softly ]

[ Recorder beeps ]This is Mike Levine-Young.

I am joined by...

Rudolph Enoch Longfellow.And I'm wearing overalls.

Uh, Kent Wyatt.
Also in overalls.

Alright, we are here
with a Bugleexclusive.

Two rival families
coming together.

I guess the best place to start
would be the cape.

Oh, I am willing
to concede

that perhaps Rudy's pelt
isthe real Founder's Cape,

but only because Archibald
stole it from Thaddeus.

I'm giving Kent a dirty lookright now.

Okay, we're not on the radio.
Just stick to the truth.

Anyone who believes
that the town was named

because some woman snorted
is a complete dolt.

Alright, name-calling's
not gonna be helpful, so...

Kent has a butt for a face.And his story is garbage.Oh, my goodness.

We see bucks everywhere.Thaddeus didn't murder them all.

He murdered all
of a certain species.

Oh, please.Rudy, that's why
I became a vet,

so that I could redeem myself
for the sins of my ancestors.

Oh, your ancestors.Oh, wait, do you hear that?

Oh, it's your ancestors, Rudy.
Oh, let me ask.

They want to know why
you're living in a barn!

Okay.
There's a line.

Uh, we crossed it
a little while ago,

and I'm hoping we can back up
and just talk this out.

I'd like to let Little Rudy andBig Rudy do the talking for me.

Ooh, well, then I will let
Thaddeus and Wyatt do mine.

No, no, no.Let's do this!

No, we're gonna talk
with our mouths.Here we go. Rock and roll.

Guys, talk with the mouth.Let's go!

No, bring it on.Talk with the mouth.

Thank you
for your openness.

All my parents
will tell me

is that babies get made when
you pray with your pants off.

So, how did you maintain
a truthful dialogue

after the moment
of consummation?

Where'd you get that sweater?Real pretty.

I think
what Janine is asking is,

did it get weird
talking to Dad

after you guys
did intercourse?

Oh, w-why are we even
talking about this?

You're not even married.

Did you wait
until you were married?

Uh-huh.
Yes!

We sure did.Absolutely.

Okay, well, I don't want
to wait until then.

Well, then
just go do it,

and we'll pretend we don't know
anything about it.

Wait, wait, wait.

I thought we were supposed to
be honest with each other.

We arebeing honest.We want you to lie.

We came to you guys
to talk about our bodies

finding pleasure
in each other.

Oh!
Jacob!

I didn't raise you
with that dirty mouth.

This is a dinner table.We have to eat off this table.

Okay.
You two need to grow up.

You better
watch your mouth!

Excuse me?Come on, Janine.

Let's go to DQ and get
a Reese's Blasted Blizzard.

Okay.

Hey.
Nobody's blasting anybody!

You're not taking
mytruck, boy!

Rudy!Archibald is -- Oh!

Mud pies aren't gonna
stop me, Rudy.

Not a step closer.

Don't -- Rudy!
Rudy, put it down! Rudy!

Hey. Ah!
I got hit!

What is that, poop?You okay?

Ow!I wish it was.

It would better reflectmy feelings towards Kent!

-You were right?
-Huh?

Oh!The Wyatts,
they're hiding something.

Oh, that's it.[ Gunshot ]

[ All shout ]

Constance:
Relax, it's not a gun.

It's just an app.

I am so sorry
this escalated.

Uh, we were just doing
an interview.

Drop the shovel, Kent.

Drop it.[ Shovel clatters ]

Rudy, back to the barn.No!

This is not
the man I fell for.

Sorry, girlfriend.

I never wanted you to bear
witness to my unbridled rage.

Sometimes,
I'm a really bad boy.

Your lady
saved you this time.Oh, yeah?

But you show your face
at Founder's Day,

and I will rip you
limb from limb.

And I shall defend myselfagainst your limbs

with my remaining limbs.

Oh, this just got
very dark.

Honey?
Oh, hey.

Honey, y-you were right,
okay?

I got --
I got carried away,

and I ruined
our power-couple status.

You were a beautiful maiden, andnow you're a disgusting buck.

Oh, well, I was --
I was trying

to maintain some form of dignitywith this role,

but I-I hear
what you're saying.

I'm sorry.
If I had listened to you,

I wouldn't have
printed something

that got two extremely gentle
old men to brawl.

I feel like I didn't realizehow much the paper meant to you.

I think you miss beinga journalist, you know?

And it's okay
to admit that.

I do.

But...I think,
more than that,

I-I just miss being good
at something.

You aregood at something.You're a good farmer.

That's very sweet of you,
but it's not true.

I-I broke
the cardinal rule.

I-I made the story
about me,

and it should have been
about the town.

So, I'm gonna quit,
you know?

Sadly, this thing only comes outonce a year,

so it's gonna be a while
before they notice anyways.

Mike, you're not quitting.I can't let you quit.

You had the gutsto seek out the truth,

and then you came this closeto unearthing something

that Bucksnort has been trying
to hide for years.

Mnh-mnh.
Don't quit now.

The town needs you.I know what you're doing.

Mm-hmm?

And I appreciate it.
Thank you.

Welcome.

Alright, I'm gonna go let Kentslice me in the throat.

Aah!

Well, have fun.

Thanks.

[ Door opens, closes ]

[ Sighs ]

Wait. 1916?

[ Kay grunting ]

Hey, Kay.
What?

Is this about
something I did?

Jacob's so mad aboutthat dang talk.

Why'd we have to
have it anyway?

I mean, we never talked aboutanything before we, you know...

Yeah, I'm not the best at
talking about the physical act.

What's there
to talk about?

Well, I just want Jacob
to be better

at talking with his son about itthan Iam with him.

[ Sighs ]

I think we're gonna
have to try again.

Okay, fine.

But the first time one of themsays "oral," I'm out.

Brandon: And Thaddeus Wyattsurveyed the land,

looking for
the final buck.

Buck? Buck?

Where are you?Beau: This never
makes any sense.

He's about to
kill the buck...
Mm-hmm.

...but he's wearing the capehe makes from the buck.

Yeah, I brought that up
to Deb last year,

and she invited me
to leave the committee.

[ Up-tempo piano music playing ]

[ Applause ]

I thought she said
she was classically trained.

Hey, uh, Connie,
I found something

I thought you might want
to take a look at.

It's the 50th-anniversary
edition

of The Bucksnort Bugle
from 1916.

Oh, "Cholera Moves
to Mason City.

Bucksnort Rejoices."

Yeah, the funny thing
about this

is, uh, you told me the paper
was founded in 1876,

but it was really founded
in 1866.

So, why are you hiding
the first 10 years?

Because I was dumb enough

to think that I would stop youfrom making a mess.

I think sometimes
you just gotta tell the truth

and trust that the reader
can handle the consequences.

[ Sighs ]

Well, I hope you're rightabout this.

Brandon: And Thaddeusunsheathed his knife,

and then he stabbed
the buck.

[ Grunts ]And the buck died.

Unh!

Aah! Oh!

No, not today!

Maybe stab the buckone more time so the buck knows.

I hope the town
is ready for this.

This is the oldest editionof the paper.

Notice who the editor is.

Wait, was a Longfellow
married to a Wyatt?

Something like that.

This will
explain everything.

Okay.
Thank you so much.

You're my source
from the shadows.

You're my Deep Throat.

W-W-What the heck
did you just say?

Aah!
Oh, come on.

Hey, kids.Hey.

Sorry aboutwhat happened earlier.

We want you both
to know...

we're here for you...Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

...if you have
any questions.

Like, for real?
Th-Thank you.Yeah.

We have
so many questions.Yeah.

Well, we're ready
to answer your questions,

because sex is a big deal,
you know?

You're -- You're
about to discover

that there's -- there's
nothing more powerful

than a loosened bolo tie
and some Alan Jackson

and -- and your own raw,
primal cravings.

Okay.You're gonna feel a tugin your toes,

and then your whole body will
get swept up in a tidal wave,

and you'll be searching,praying for a roof

or a branch,
anything to hold on to.

And then everything's slipping
through your fingers.

And then
you realize suddenly

that the strongest thing you
can do is to just let go.

And go and go and --

Sweet Lord,
just let it go.

We're not ready.

I don't want to talk to guys
about this ever again.

Th-Thank you.

We're gonna wait for themto ask questions.

What?

Why?
I'm the last guy here.

And having killed
the final buck,

Thaddeus was ready
for love.

[ Whispering ]
Move.

Be loud.

[ Shouting ]
I am the Maiden of Bucksnort!

Thaddeus! My love!

Simmer down, Clara.

The real founder is here.And it's me.

So, you showed up.
Well, you know what?

I'm gonna do to you
what I did to the buck.

-No. No.
-Bring it in.

Okay, wait, wait!
Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop,
stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stop, stop, stop!

I hold in my hand

a letter addressed to both
of your oldest ancestors

that shall prove
once and for all

who founded the town
of Bucksnort.

So, if you'll allow me...

[ Clears throat ]

"My dearest husbands,

founding this town with
the two of you at my side

has been the greatest pleasure
of my life,

more pleasure even
than the unsheathing

of our quivering tender--"

No. Hold on.
Let me just skim.

Oh. We don't need
the illustrations.

This is inappropriate!

"Your beloved,
Peregrine Longfellow-Wyatt."

[ Crowd gasps ]

It was a polyandric
relationship!

One lady
married to two men.

Fantastic.So you both
founded Bucksnort.

You wouldn't want somethinglike that, would you?

Huh?

To have another husband?
Hell yeah.

I guess I do
see a resemblance.

We do...
sneeze the same.

Brother?

Brother.

Well, I don't think
that makes you guys --

Well, whatever.

Can I take a gander
at the drawings?

Oh, the illustrations?

Yes.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're gonna
see immediately

why they were calledthe Longfellows.

[ Sniffs ]
Oh, wow.

The buck stops here.

Well, I thinkthe buck
startsthere.

Yeah.Where does it end?