All language subtitles for American.Housewife.S05E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

I made it. Look.
I made it out of the maze.

That's a connect the dots, Trip.

You're funny.

Taylor, stop slouching.

Mom, stop momming.

I'm in college now.
I can slouch if I want to.

Better.

You're what we in academia call
a "textbook control freak."

Wow.

I can't believe
I'm dating a college girl.

An older woman.

Trip, just because I'm in college

doesn't make me older than you.

It just makes me in college.

Not only are you older, you're wiser.

En garde, Anna-Kat!

Franklin, are you ever at your own home?

Yeah, but I bike over super early

and put my ear to the sewer and
wait for the morning's first flush.

You're not crouching enough.

What do you know about fencing?

I know you have to crouch.

I don't want to do this anymore.

Tough.

You're doing a sport,
and you picked this one,

and you are not stopping just because

there are less fights
to the death than you thought.

But it's so hot in this mask!

This'll cool you off.

Hey!

Stop bullying me!

Mothering is bullying.

Mrs. Otto, if I were 50 years older,

I'd take a run at you.

Oh.

Did you do your chores?

Oh.

Uh, chores are household tasks

designed to teach you
personal responsibility.

Oh! Poor people stuff.

I'm in.

Good. Go make the beds.

Okay.

Um, where do you keep your pillow mints?

Just go.

And I will be up to make sure it's done.

I know you sold your lasagna business,

but you need to find a new life

so you can stay out of ours.

When the lasagna business
became a pain in the ass,

I sold it!

Don't think I won't do the same to you!

Textbook control freak.

You micromanage, you're moody,

you judge others' behaviors...

You have really nice hair.

Your laugh is very comforting.

I thought I'd throw in some
compliments to soften the blow.

Eh.

She has been at that college
of yours for a month-and-a-half

and already talking down to her mother.

Am I a control freak?

Uhhh...

I'm not a T-rex, Greg.

I see you whether you move or not.

Mom has always been up in our business,

but recently, it's at a whole new level.

I mean, she started writing
my name in my clothes again.

Like, it's nice. It helps me remember.

But still.

Well, she's gone from being busy
with her business

to having nothing to do,
so she's putting

all that excess energy
into smothering you guys.

Ah. Transference.

You just need to show her
a little extra patience.

It's not that hard.

My generation has no patience!

You know that new sub shop?

Took them five whole minutes
to make my sandwich.

I was Yelping by minute three.

I was starving.

What is this?

"Future home of Westport Plaza.

A luxury shopping

and dining experience"?

Tight.

No, not tight! Loose!

They can't do this.

This isn't just any field!

In April 1775,

Israel Bissel stopped here
to feed his horse!

Who's Israel Bissel?

He let the colonists know
the British were coming.

I thought that was the Revere dude.

Paul Revere rode 12 miles.

Israel Bissel rode 345!

Had he not fed his horse
in this very field,

he may not have made it to Philadelphia,

and we may not have won the war!

The only reason Paul Revere got credit

was that his name rhymes with

"Listen, my children,
and you shall hear"

in the poem by Longfellow.

Nothing rhymes with "Bissel"!

Unless you're Snoop Dogg. Fo shizzle.

Well, Westport Plaza,
the Otto is coming.

The Otto is coming.

And what makes Buenos Niños energy drink

better than the rest?

The gold flakes are real.

It's 24 karats of deliciousness.

And all it costs is $50,000 a can.

So, a six-pack is worth
more than a house?

Yeah, but not, like, a nice house.

I don't think you're gonna get
a good grade.

Next up, Trevor, with his idea
for an app called "Gyftee."

Gyftee helps find
the perfect gift to get someone

by compiling
all of their online information.

It's like a dating app,

but instead of matching you with people,

it matches you with presents.

Interesting idea.

But are there any concerns over privacy?

Not for me.

What are you hiding, Carl?

I was only pointing out the fact that...

No, the fact that you don't like it

makes me realize
that it's the perfect idea.

You're all lemmings.

I'm gonna find someone
to invest in this app

and become super rich,

and you're all gonna brag
that you knew me in high school,

and you'll try to friend me on Facebook,

but I will have you blocked.

All of you will be blocked.

Carl.

Shut up!

There you are.

I wanted to run some new
theme song ideas by you

for my podcast.

♪ Getting Frank with Franklin ♪

Or...

♪ Getting Frank with F-F-F-F-Franklin ♪

What's wrong?

Did I amaze you into silence?

You're my only guest
and my only listener,

so it's important I get some feedback.

Look, when my mom
sprayed me in the face,

all you did was laugh at me.

You're my boyfriend,

and you're supposed to
have my back, but...

now when I look at
those gorgeous freckles,

all I see is disappointment.

I didn't know, baby! I can change!

Hey, Trevor.

I think Gyftee's a great idea.

The fact that you guys like it

makes me like it a little bit less,

so I'm gonna get away
from your stupid faces.

Taylor is taking this psych class,

and now she's analyzing me.

She thinks I'm controlling

because I now have no life of my own.

That sounds about right.

Come on!

I know you're on vacation with...

Oh, God. What's his name, again?

Oh. Well, you can just call him
what I call him...

son of my gardener.

The sooner you help me with my problem,

the sooner you can get back to him.

Well, why aren't you
bothering Angela with this?

She's still on that business trip

and claims that she has bad reception.

How many tunnels are in Baltimore?

Okay.

Angela would say some crap about, eh,

channeling your energy
into someone who's not your kid.

And while she was talking,

I would then secretly
take a bite out of her salad.

Channel my energy into someone else?

I can do that.

Are you sure taking your gardener's

22-year-old son to Hawaii
is emotionally healthy for you?

Oh, no, no, no!

Don't channel your energy into me!

Being emotionally unhealthy
is my healthiest trait!

Yup. This is definitely the power tie.

It's actually made from the ears
of cashmere goats.

The Maldives have no rules.

After I get this internship,

Harvard will be begging to take me.

And then after I graduate,

all my clothes will be goat ears.

Don't worry, guys. I'll get it.

Look, Mrs. Otto! I'm doing a chore!

No!

It should hang over the top
and waterfall down.

Waterfalls go down.

The kid was so excited.
You just couldn't help yourself.

Fine! I won't say another word.

I certainly won't tell Trip

that if he wants to open that jar,

he has to turn it to the left.

Oh, man.

I thought about
going that direction, too.

My clinical recommendation

as a member of
the higher-education community

is to stop bothering our boyfriends...

Not my boyfriend.

...and focus on anyone else.

Dad!

Go after him.
He's in love with a meadow.

And he has no idea what to do about it.

What meadow?

I hate you guys.

It's actually an historic field,

and I'm gonna write a letter
to the City Council

to try to save it
from becoming a retail space.

You're not writing a dumb letter.

You are going to address
the City Council directly,

and I'm going to help you.

I'm not sure I need your help.

Well, buckle up,
'cause you're getting it.

I'm gonna call the City Council
and get you signed up.

And while we're at it, we're
gonna trim those sideburns.

And we're gonna
get up in there, as well.

You want to practice your speech for me?

- No, thanks.
- Come on!

The City Council meeting is tomorrow.

I'm a very good listener.

Begin.

Okay.

- Dear councilmem...
- Dear?!

What, are you writing
your grandma from summer camp?

You got to be stern with these people.

It has come to my attention

that the zoning commission
has allowed constr...

Now drop a really bad F-bomb.

Why?

Bad language gets their attention.

It lets them know that you are
assertive and confident.

Can I at least get through
the first [bleep] sentence?!

[bleep]

See?

Now you got my attention!

And I'm a little turned on.

Oliver Otto!

Thanks for making the time to see me.

Here's my résumé.

Wow! Two pages!

I know.

When do I start, right?

Aren't you gonna read it?

Don't need to.

Let me guess...

you did a sport that's not
typical so you'd stand out?

Like gymnastics or polo?

Ballet.

And did community service

to seem like a sensitive person?

Teen Help Line.

And this internship was supposed to

seal the deal for... Yale?

Harvard.

Well, 10 years ago,
your plan might have worked.

Now everyone does the same thing.

You're a dime a dozen.

There's nothing exceptional about you.

Look, with this résumé,
you might just get into Cornell.

Maybe.

And you're not getting
an internship here.

Good luck, Oscar.

It's Oliver.

It doesn't matter.

Hey, Anna-Kat.

You want to practice
our French accents after school

so we can nail our en garde?

I know you're trying
to get me to say "oui, oui,"

but no.

Come on, Anna-Kat. I'm sorry.

I'm new to this boyfriend thing.

Hey, I was next.

Well, now you're not.

Excuse me, sir. You just cut
in front of this young lady.

Why don't you mind your own business?

Defending her is my business.

I challenge you to a duel.

How about instead, I kick
your ass after school today?

Uh, actually,
I have a dentist appointment.

What time?

I think 4:00,

but they make you get there
early to fill out paperwork.

Fine. Tomorrow.

But I'd keep that dentist's number

for when I knock your teeth out.

Well, now you're getting
the hang of the boyfriend thing.

I'll be sure to mention that
when I speak at your memorial.

Thanks.

How much longer are you gonna
look at that menu?

I can't make up my mind.

I've never been to a restaurant

that offers burgers and tacos.

Oh, my God. There's another page.

Mm.

You know, it's possible

you're suffering from
something called "aboulomania."

It's a disorder that causes one
to be indecisive.

I don't have that.

Mm.

Sounds like you're having
a side of denial

with your main course of aboulomania.

Now I know what your mom
was talking about.

What?

I know I'm not in college, like you,

but I do know
what you're suffering from...

know-it-all-omania.

Sigmund Freud was misunderstood
in his time, too.

It's Sigmund and Freud.

And Freud was eaten by a tiger,
so how smart was he?

Cornell is known for hotel management?

Huh. What?

Do you take classes

on which fruit to put
in the lobby water?

Forget about blowing the interview.

I called my parents,

and they were actually having
drinks with the Thatcher family.

Not only will Kent interview you again,

but he'll give you whatever you want.

I don't know. Maybe he's right.

Maybe I am a dime a dozen.

Hey.

That guy's a douchebag,

and I have every faith that one day,

you'll blossom into a douchebag
just like him.

Thanks.

Look, Mrs. Otto!

Chores!

Cooper, there is supposed to be
a pad on the end of this!

You're picking up no dirt,

and you're scratching the floors.

Oh, I guess that's why
it didn't do such a good job

of cleaning the toilet, either.

There you are!

Let's go pick out
what we're going to wear

to the City Council meeting tomorrow.

- We?
- Yeah. I'm coming with you.

But... you know who needs your guidance?

The kids.

I bet Taylor's confused about something,

Oliver's up to no good,

and Anna-Kat's off on some
misadventure we'll laugh about,

but in hindsight realize
put her in genuine danger.

Oh, no. They're fine.

Now, you... you are another story.

I want to focus all my passion on...

What are we talking about, again?

- Saving a field.
- That.

And in conclusion, I believe

Westport should build
Connecticut's first cat park.

The dogs have had their day.

Time's up.

# MeowToo!

Mrs. Ablin, we'll take it
under advisement.

Thank you.

Next on the docket... Greg Otto.

Hello.

My name is Greg Otto.

On behalf of
the Westport Historical Guild,

of which I am recording secretary...

...I implore you to reconsider
building a retail space

on the corner of Post Road and Sylvan.

Greg.

Drop it.

This is hallowed ground.

You may not know this, but in 1775...

What my husband is trying to say is,

get off your [bleep]
and save this [bleep] field.

Let's not take this under advisement.

Let's just vote.

Uh, b-but my five minutes aren't up.

All in favor
of rejecting Mr. Otto's request

and banning them from the premises?

It's because you were slouching.

I had to move my office hours

to accommodate
that City Council meeting,

only to be humiliated,

when a letter would have worked
just fine!

I said that I was sorry in the car.

No, you said, "I think there's
a Popeyes on the way home,"

then you checked your phone

and said, "Oh, sorry, I was wrong."

I know you're going through something.

I've tried to be patient,
but this has to stop.

I know!

But all I have is you and the kids.

I'm 40 years old, and I don't
have a purpose with my life!

I mean, look at you. You have a purpose!

Even though it's a stretch
of patchy grass

by the side of the road
that people stop to pee at

when they can't make it
to the gas station.

I laid down in that field.

I don't have anything.

So, like it or not,

you and the kids
are my stretch of patchy grass.

Get used to it.

Hello?

Oh.

Okay. I'll be right there.

It's Principal Ablin's office.

I have to go to the school
to deal with one of the kids.

Oh, which one?

It doesn't matter.

At least this gives me something to do

until I inevitably start making
seashell jewelry.

I Googled "hobbies for old widows."

Oh, I'm outliving you.

Being with me has taken
years off your life.

Hey, Trevor.

Unlearn my name.

Hear me out.

Cooper... you know, dumb face?

He got me a meeting
with Thatcher Middleton.

But instead of asking for an internship,

I asked for seed money
for your Gyftee app.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

I laid out the whole idea to him.

And he liked it.

Or he was afraid to say no.

Either way, we're in business.

We?

Oh, Trevor.

How do I say this?

You're a tough hang.

That's why you'll never
get Gyftee off the ground.

You need me to be
the face to your brain,

and I need it to get into college.

Anyone can get an internship,

but starting a company?

Oh. That's bold.

And different.

And certainly not dime a dozen.

You really think you can deal with me?

What did you do?

Not me. Must be Anna-Kat.

Why did I have kids?

I should have just gotten gerbils.

Something with a low life expectancy.

That's my mother.

She's been training me my whole life

to deal with someone like you.

Where's Anna-Kat?

You're here for me.

Have a seat.

I tried calling Franklin's mother,

but he explained
that his mother is neglectful

just shy of the point
where I'm mandated to report it.

I'd rather have you for
a situation like this anyway.

What situation?

Franklin challenged
an eighth grader to a duel.

Ready to get your ass kicked?

Stall until I find a teacher, okay?

Excuse me.
Is it okay if I stretch first?

Sure. Give the guys a chance
to get their phones out.

Get your phones out!

Thank you.

Okay, I guess I'm ready.

Where is Anna-Kat and that teacher?!

There wasn't a fight.

The other kid chickened out
and reported the incident.

So, of course, I have to punish him.

Absolutely.

There's nothing worse than a narc.

I mean Franklin.

Oh.

We have a zero-tolerance policy
when it comes to fighting.

Three-day suspension is mandatory.

You know what's wrong with this country?

No more schoolyard fights.

We are raising
a generation of young people

who will talk your ear off
when a good punch in the chops

will take care of the whole thing.

I don't usually care for you,
but I secretly agree.

Getting beat up was some
of the best times of my life.

Oh.

I'll let Franklin off with a warning...

and some of these.

Tell your friends.

Thank you!

What is going on?

Oh, instead of figuring out
the whole sweeping thing,

Cooper had an army of VacBots delivered.

You'll be happy to know

after we left the City Council meeting,

they voted to defund
the Historical Guild.

Why didn't you just write a letter?

It's a little funny.

You!

Turn those off right now.

And I am going to teach you

how to use a mop, a broom, and a...

Mom!

No. It's okay.

You know why I live here
instead of with my parents?

This lady.

You call her controlling, but I love it.

Me too.

That's why I called Mrs. Otto
instead of my mom.

And she always smells like string beans.

Huh.

In an interesting twist,

apparently, your stretch of patchy grass

also includes Cooper and Franklin.

Do we have mold in the walls?

Because that's the only explanation

for what's going on here.

No. They're right.

Trip's been mad at me
for being a know-it-all,

but it turns out
I don't know it all at all.

I mean, to us,
she can be super annoying,

but apparently, to everyone else,

you're just this amazing mom.

Oh, maybe there's a gas leak?

Wait.

I know what you should do.

You should start a mommy vlog.

You just want me out of your nose hair.

No, no. Think about it.

These three were fortunate
enough to have your guidance,

but other kids out there
weren't so lucky.

And instead of messing with our lives,

you could mess with theirs.

And make money at it.

Maybe this is my purpose.

You know what?

I'm gonna mom the whole freakin' planet!

May take a few years
off its life, but worth it.

Yeah.

Maybe we're in another dimension.

I'm sorry for screwing up
the City Council meeting

and making you lose your field.

You also did some real damage

when you trimmed my nose hairs.

It hurts to breathe.

- What's this?
- The signature sheet

that you will need
to run for City Council

in order to save the Historical Guild

and that urine-soaked field.

I'm running for City Council?

I'm running for City Council!

I'm proud to be your first signature.

Although, it's not valid.

I'm not registered to vote

because I don't want them
to get me for jury duty.

Well, thanks, honey.

You're not registered to vote?

Get out!