Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

And get your rights back?

Or are we just supposed to slink off into

some dustbin of world history?

All right, remote utility clients engaged.

Yeah, laptops and cameras enslaved.

Remote access tools have gotta be the most awesome invention

since blackmail itself.

That's right baby, twerk that ass!

Yes!

Ooh!

Big tit MILF who knows how to cook.

I might need to find out where she lives and propose.

I bet she'll pay big bucks to squash this video.

Ooh, yes sir.

You think she'll be a grand?

Two, at least.

Whoa.

Whoa, whoa.

What's happening?

Something up with your feeds?

I don't know.

That's weird.

I'm getting a lot of old-school static.

Oh.

Whoa, wait, something's comin' through.

Can you get rid of it?

Yeah, just watch me.

It looks like you got your creep back on.

Told you.

They don't know who they're messing with.

Perverts.

You fuckin' kidding me?

It feels like he's laughing at you.

Hello, my dark princess.

Have you collected this year's evidence

of man's sins and follies?

But of course.

I can't get rid of him.

Let me see.

I can't find an IP address or anything.

The guy's a ghost.

Weird.

Ah.

I can't believe you got hacked.

I know, it's crazy.

Romance, and the search for perfection,

can sometime be called at odds with each other.

This story is called Mates.

Every time I delete Reggie's email,

he just starts up a new account, and then,

the hate letters start

all over again.

One day he says he still loves me,

and the next day, he's threatening to kill me.

You don't return my calls, bitch.

Why the fuck you don't return my calls, bitch?

Why the fuck...

I've tried to tell him

that we're not meant for each other,

we're not supposed to be together,

but he's not listening.

Well that's because psychos don't listen to anybody.

I mean, you only dated him for six months

before he started to hit you.

He done lost his damn mind.

You should write an article about what an asshole he is.

I just want to find a good man.

How hard is that?

I mean, why does it have to be so freakin' hard?

Aww, honey.

It's the law of supply and demand.

The supply is low and...

They think we're too demanding.

Yeah, and it seems like every freaking date I go on

is a disaster.

I would try going lesbian, but I like dick too much.

I have a certified delivery for Miss Sha-nicka Williams?

It's Shanicka.

Thank you.

Here's to the dick.

Here's to the dick.

And lots of it.

What is this?

"Congratulations, you've just been given a free trial

"for the most effective dating service in the world."

"Find your perfect mate at perfectmates.me.

"In your own words, describe your perfect man."

Oh yeah, he's got to have that too.

Shanicka?

Uh, yeah.

You must be Jaylon.

Yeah, that's right.

Mind if I sit?

Sure, of course.

I...

Sorry.

You'll have to excuse me if I seem a little nervous.

I didn't expect you to be this beautiful.

Thank you.

I wrote poetry in college,

but it's hard to get anybody to read it.

Really?

- Yeah. - I love poetry.

I do, yeah.

I love, uh, Giovanni, Angelou.

"The caged bird sings with a frightful trill,

"of things unknown...

"But longed for still."

Mmm.

I love that.

I'd love to read your work some time.

Of course.

So the Englishman, he's laying down on the ground.

He looks up, he says,

"Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

What's your favorite wine?

French cabernet.

Mmm.

But I'll drink anything red.

Except California merlot, it's too sweet.

I bet it's not as sweet as you are.

I just got some new coffee from Jamaica.

Would you like to come back to my place and try it?

Oh, I, uh, I wouldn't want to be presumptuous.

That's good, 'cause I like to take things slow.

Oh, yes!

That's it!

Yeah!

Hit that shit, oh!

Oh yeah, right there!

Oh, oh, oh, oh God!

Shanicka?

Yes?

I have to tell you something.

Let me guess, you have to leave

because you have a meeting early in the morning.

No.

No, wait, you...

You're married, right?

No.

Okay, what?

You lost a job, what is it?

No.

I just wanted to tell you that that was...

That was the best sex I've ever had.

You're not married?

No.

Does this finger look like it's been wearing a ring?

But I am still fired up.

If you, uh, wanna go again?

Shanicka?

Yes?

I think I'm...

You're what?

Jaylon?

Jaylon, what's wrong?

Jaylon, say something!

Jaylon?

Your free trial is over.

Your free trial is over.

Your free trial is over.

Your free trial is over.

- What the fuck? - Your free trial is over.

Your free trial is over.

Open the door.

- Reggie? - Open the door.

Reggie?

What are you doing here?

Where's it at, you stupid ass bitch?

What?

I saw your black, crusty ass come back here with it.

With what?

The fucking robot, Shanicka!

What, you-you stupid now, huh?

Listen, who do you think sent you the free gift certificates

to perfectmates.me?

Hmm?

Think about it.

Let it ponder, let it simmer in your soul real quick.

It was me.

The fuck, it was me!

Why would you do something like that?

I'm Reggie, baby.

Reggie, that's what Reggie do.

I do shit like that to prove shit to your dumb ass

to teach you a lesson.

You know why?

Because you always criticizin' people, baby.

You know what I'm sayin'?

You always tryin' to find somebody

that fits everything on your perfect man list.

"You not this.

"Oh, you don't have that."

Bitch, please.

Don't call me a bitch.

As a matter of fact, I want you to leave now, Reggie.

Bi-tch.

I'm tryin' to make a point to you

that there's no such thing as a perfect man.

Take your weave off, it's too tight, huh?

And if you can't find your own perfect man,

you gotta rent a goddamn robot.

That's as perfect as it's gonna get.

So you, knowin' you, you could program him up,

and do whatever you want.

That's you, that's what the fuck I did.

Oh, you got jokes now, huh?

Hold on now, hold on.

Wait a second.

- For what? - Come here.

- No. - Shh, come here.

No.

- Bring your ass here. - Get your hands off of me.

Stop!

Get off of me!

You gotta be fucking kidding me, right?

Are you serious right now?

Did you actually really screw that thing?

Bitch!

Who the fuck you think you talkin' to, huh?

Who the fuck you think you talkin' to?

I can't stand these hos!

'Cause I'm sick of yo ass!

You ain't sayin' shit now, huh?

I got somethin' for yo motherfuckin' ass.

Fuck!

You talk like a man, you get yo ass beat like a man, bitch!

Oh shit, I need my credit card!

You got lots of bones today, huh?

Oh, 'cause all day you fucked him, huh?

Oh, now the bitch gotta get tied to this motherfucker.

Damn it!

Oh you fuckin', you got lots of bones today,

now you got fucked!

So, so, this what the fuck you want, huh?

A giant vibrator with a face.

You can have this shit, man.

This motherfucker!

This what you want, huh?

This what you want?

Oh!

No!

No!

Stop it, no!

Stop it, no!

Talk that shit now!

What the fuck did you say?

Oh, you can't breathe, motherfucker?

Huh?

I'm about to send yo ass to hell, bitch!

Let her go.

Man, kiss my ass, man.

Who the hell you think you are, huh?

Captain Save-A-Bitch, huh?

Do you hear me, motherfu...

Shit, nigga!

What the fuck?

Come on, man!

This is a bitch!

Kick his ass for me, baby!

Oh, shut up, bitch!

I'm gonna show this shit...

Motherfucker!

Fuck you!

Oh my God!

The bullet must have ricocheted.

You're entitled to a full refund if you want it.

No, no, no, no, you don't,

you don't have to apologize for anything.

You were worth every cent.

You really are the perfect man.

I guess I'll clean this up then?

Yeah.

- Did you see that, dude? - Yeah.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term robotic love.

Doesn't it?

Wow!

I love stuff like that.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

I love these tattooed titties even more.

Get ready to pay me, girl.

That's weird, man.

They just took over my screens too.

It's like he's forcing us to watch it.

Ah.

This story involves our justice system.

Well...

There's nothing more frightening than that.

We call this The Prosecutor.

What should we do?

Let's just watch it and see what happens.

The defendant, Floyd Johnson, wants you to believe

that on the fateful night in question,

he was home alone, passed out drunk.

We have an eyewitness that saw Floyd Johnson leaving

where the murder happened moments after those gunshots.

Floyd Johnson destroyed the lives of his family

by murdering them in cold blood,

leaving a seven year old boy,

a nine year old girl, and a beautiful wife

laying in crimson pools in their own home.

They are screaming out from their grave...

That you must bring this man

to justice, and find him guilty of murder.

And with that speech, Country Prosecutor Raymond Moreland

secured the conviction of Floyd Johnson,

and made himself a statewide celebrity.

Now, after four years as Texas Attorney General,

Moreland has just announced his candidacy for Governor.

Mr. Moreland, thank you for joining us this evening.

Thank you Chris, good evening, I'm very happy

- to be here tonight. - That's um,

that's some decent coverage, buddy.

- Look at that. - And,

I'm very proud of the fact

that I've sent more depraved criminals to death row

than any other prosecutor in the history

of the great state of Texas.

Can I get your autograph?

Wouldn't life imprisonment accomplish the same thing?

Exodus 21:24,

"An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth."

I'm very happy to be doing God's work.

Will you be attending the execution of Floyd Johnson?

I will not.

I will be at home spending long overdue family time

with my wife and my beautiful children, John and Missy.

Thank you for joining us, Mr. Moreland.

Good luck with your campaign.

- Matthews! - What?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Nothing!

Stop creeping around!

Weirdo!

I'm not creeping around, and get back to rounds!

You big doofus.

Hey, Floyd.

Sorry about that, man.

He's a bit of an asshole sometimes, huh?

Don't worry about it.

All right, I'm looking at the poll numbers

coming out of Dallas-Fort Worth,

and it looks like you're up five points right now.

That poll showing Dallas-Forth Worth.

What did we do in West Texas, Odessa, Uvalde?

West Texas, lookin' like we're up around three right now

so we probably need to spend

a little bit more time over there.

- We're up three? - Yeah, we're up three.

- Permian Basin, all... - Up.

- That's fantastic. - Yeah.

Mr. Moreland, I have to talk to you right away.

Okay, okay, about what?

I've been calling you and writing you

and you haven't answered me.

What can I do for you?

You already know, we have to stop the execution.

I told you, that man I saw on TV last year,

the one that they arrested for the home invasion robberies.

Chester Pinkett?

- Yes! - Yeah.

As soon as they put his face on TV,

I realized he's the one that I saw

coming out of the Johnson house.

We've made a terrible mistake, we both have,

but it's not too late for us to correct it!

Who else have you told about this?

- What? - Your husband?

Have you told your husband?

No.

You haven't told your husband, why not?

You know why.

That's right, I do.

'Cause your husband was accused of terrible things,

and I made those things go away.

You know they weren't true.

It was his ex-wife out for revenge.

Says you, but the things he was accused of,

they destroy families.

And you never know when those things come roaring back,

and they come...

Roaring back.

And you never know what could spring it,

it could be just one phone call.

You bastard...

Don't you ever show your face here again.

It's not good for you.

You're disgusting.

Make sure she gets right home.

The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

How come you didn't go see

that bad man die tonight, Daddy?

Missy, I didn't go because my job's completed.

I would rather be with Mom and you kids

than go to some execution.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,

for thou art with me.

Thy rod and thy staff shall comfort me.

My friend said you were gonna pull the switch

all by yourself.

Hey, you two hush.

This is not proper dinner conversation.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Now both of you, just eat your vegetables.

Hey, I told you never to call me at dinner.

This is family time.

It's important to Betty and I...

Sir, I got a call from the prison.

Floyd Johnson escaped.

What?

Oh...

Hold on.

What are you talking about?

That's impossible.

They think he had help from a guard

and-and maybe one other prison employee...

- Your fault, guys. - There's a manhunt on.

How long ago did he escape?

I-I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

Find out, you idiot!

Right now, call the police and get a squad car

sent to my house to protect my family.

Absolutely, sir.

I'll tell them to send a squad car over...

Hey, hello, hello?

Hello, are you there?

God...

Uh, love, I'm gonna be right back, okay?

Betty, did you turn out the lights?

Guys?

Betty?

Missy, John?

Floyd Johnson, what have you done to my family?

Floyd!

Floyd!

Where are my wife and kids?

Floyd, look, you think you got a raw deal,

I get that, I do, okay?

Floyd, tell me where my family is!

And then, yeah, then, you and I,

we can talk about you getting a retrial.

A retrial, Floyd!

You hear me?

I heard you.

If you hurt my wife or my kids,

I will kill you, you son of a bitch!

Daddy, Daddy!

Floyd?

You ready?

Yes.

What are you idiots doing?

What are you doing?

Floyd Johnson did this!

You guys are idiots, Floyd Johnson killed my family,

you should be out tracking him down!

Get him, Goddamn it!

And uncuff me!

I can have all of you out of work tomorrow!

I'm gonna be Governor of the state of Texas.

The great state of Texas won't have you in it!

Why aren't you even listening to me?

Sir...

Hi.

What happened?

What do you mean what happened? It was Floyd Johnson.

Floyd Johnson came in here, the lights were out,

he killed my family, and he almost killed me!

Sir, I don't understand.

You-you don't understand?

You're the one that called me

and told me he got out of jail, he escaped from jail.

You-you called me.

I didn't call you.

It-it was less than an hour ago.

You called me and you-you said he escaped from jail.

I was having dinner with my family.

Floyd Johnson was executed a half hour ago

by lethal injection.

That's impossible.

That's impossible, 'cause he killed my family.

He killed my family, Floyd Johnson was here.

Look, look, he shot me.

- Sir... - He...

- Sir... - Sir, my ass!

Floyd Johnson was right here!

He killed my family!

Don't look at me like that.

I was shot, there was blood,

and, I'm innocent.

You know I'm innocent.

Guys like me aren't guilty, I'm innocent!

I'm innocent!

Please!

John?

Johnson?

You did this to me, you son of a bitch!

He did thi...

You're not...

Hey, no!

No, no, no!

No!

No, please!

Please!

Please!

No!

No!

He thought justice would be delivered

to the low and undesirable,

but was sadly mistaken.

What is she, talking some voodoo?

Don't we have some like, translator software or something?

Huh...

Ah.

This symbol of treason brings to mind

a story entitled White Flight.

Tommy Deuchet?

It's Thomas.

And mister to you, Chinaman.

Actually, Polynesian.

Oh!

Poly-nese!

Oh, Japy-nese, Chi-nese.

Don't matter, you all need to get on your knees

and thank the Lord you're even alive in this country.

What the hell do you want?

Delivery.

Oh shit, finally.

Hey Molly, it's here!

Can I have you sign here?

Mm-hmm.

Ironic they have the two of youse deliver it.

Should have got you a Mexican sidekick though.

They know know to work,

as long as you can handle all the ass gas

from the beans they like to chew on.

Signature right here.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, boy!

Careful with that box now.

It cost more than your whole year's crack budget,

you hear me?

Just pretend it's filled with malt liquor, welfare checks,

then you'll do just fine.

Hey, aren't you, uh...

You damn right.

That welfare baby deserved every lick I gave him.

Whether he stole that car or not, believe me,

he was guilty of somethin'.

Uh huh.

And who catches hell for it?

Me.

All because of some Black Lives Matter or BS.

Bastard cost me my job, got me livin' out here,

but all that's about to change, sure there.

Hey, hey!

No more inside?

You just gonna leave it out there on the sidewalk?

Ain't you supposed to bring it in?

Hey, hey!

Damn!

I thought this country was supposed to be great again.

Molly, it's here!

I'm comin'.

You shoulda seen the asshole they had deliver it.

If I had any compunction about gettin' us outta here,

that asshole and his lazy nigger eponymous America coon,

they settled it for me.

Ooh wee, ain't she a beaut?

It's a lot bigger than I thought it would be.

This technology has to be big,

'cause of what it has to do.

Okay, so you know I've been wanting to get us

and the girls away from all this racial mixing?

Mm-hmm.

- So... - Mm-hmm?

If you think it'll be okay...

I'll be.

I wouldn't have sold my daddy's antique Klan robe,

my beer can collection, my rifles, the pick-ups,

and my autographed picture of Ted Nugent

if I didn't think it was gonna work, would I?

- Okay. - Honey, by midnight tonight,

you, me and the girls,

we gonna be in another dimension,

in a land, far, far away.

Heavenly...

White...

Peace.

Mmm.

Molly?

It's time to go.

All youse gotta go is place your feet right here.

Lovely, you look nice, and you, Angel,

you stay up there in your mama's arms.

Now, I got it set to the good old days,

just like my daddy and granddaddy would have remembered it.

Now all I gotta do...

Is pull this switch right here.

And we should be good.

Lord Jesus...

Tommy?

Where is this?

Down right there.

Look!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Whoo!

Baby!

"Welcome to White Fork.

"No blacks allowed.

"Ever."

This is what I'm talkin' about.

This is what I'm talkin' about.

Look at those smiling faces.

Follow your father.

Ooh, I tell you what, I ain't never felt more at home.

Is this not the good old days?

Heck, they shouldn't even call it White Fork.

They should just call it White Folks.

It's your new home.

New arrivals!

Yes sir, me and my family.

Well, welcome.

You and your family get your some lemonade,

then head on over to the reception center.

God almighty!

Yeah, she's quite the looker, ain't she?

Blacks!

Blacks!

Blacks!

Yeah!

Blacks!

Blacks!

Blacks!

Blacks!

Blacks!

- Yeah! - Blacks!

We don't want 'em!

Blacks!

Blacks!

Baby, you about to see your first real-live lynching.

Oh!

It's exciting!

Yes.

I see they take their Second Amendment rights and privileges

quite seriously around here.

They don't mess around at all.

Baby?

Baby?

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Baby?

What...

What the hell did you just do?

Are they dead?

Oh, yeah.

We got them new smart guns.

Leaves the outsides intact,

but turns the insides into hamburger.

But, why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Well come on, didn't you see the sign when you came in?

No blacks allowed.

Ever.

You're black, what?

You're black!

What?

What's so funny?

What?

Not black skinned, black hair.

Who gives a rat's rear end about black skin?

It's...

It's black hairs, they's the problem.

Nasty black bastards.

They, they don't belong here.

I just wish we could get rid of all the black bastards.

You know, the, the little black-haired monkeys.

Nothin' good ever came from a black-haired monkey.

She wasn't an animal.

She was my wife.

Shh-shh-shh.

Your wife?

You married one of 'em?

You're a dirty black rug lover?

God!

You're lucky you got blonde hair.

Despite my...

Personal opinions on the matter,

current law says all we can do is lock your ass up,

but that could change here next election.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.

You got a little black-haired runt!

That's Angel, you can't shoot her!

Yeah, we can't shoot Angel,

'cause our weapons don't work when they're this small.

Guess we gotta do it the old fashioned way.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, it's,

it's kinda messy, but uh, it's effective.

Somebody give me a sack.

Quiet down.

Quiet down!

Little black-haired piece of...

Excuse me.

I gotcha!

No!

No!

Still movin'?

Yeah!

That's how you do it now.

Angel!

Angel!

Angel!

Angel!

Angel!

No!

No!

No!

No!

Well, well...

I guess that proves it.

Racism can sometimes be a very hairy situation.

Ooh, I got control back.

Me too.

- Yo, Stu? - Hmm?

That babe that you recorded

working her snatch with a big-ass dildo,

did she ever pay you?

Nope.

She was supposed to send me $800 by Friday, but she flaked.

So what did you do?

What do you think I did?

I put up 50 screenshots on her Facebook,

Instagram and Twitter, and then I sent the entire batch

to everyone on her contact list.

For real?

Yeah.

Damn, Stuart!

You one cold-ass dude.

Hey.

But I love it.

Hey, everyone else paid their taxes.

I got a hacker rep to protect.

That's true.

Hold on, let me see if she, uh,

took those photos down yet.

What the fuck?

What's up?

Looks like she killed herself.

Over the photos?

Nah, no way.

I don't know, maybe.

I mean, it was the next day.

Shit, man.

Hell, if it was that easy to push her over the edge,

it was only a matter of time, anyway.

She must have been batshit crazy.

True.

Uh oh.

What's up?

Oh shit, look who's back again.

Yep, they're back on my screens too.

- Damn, they're pretty good. - Yeah.

Now, this story demonstrates what can happen

when one good soul reaches out to help another.

And it's called...

The Samaritan.

- Oh yes, yes! - Oh my God!

Is that contagious?

It's deadly, but it's not contagious.

Okay, baby, let's get this mark.

You can't catch cancer.

You're just born with it.

I believe this is the right amount?

That was before I knew you looked like death warmed over.

I'm gonna need another two.

Could you give me a second?

I'm tellin' you, his type got money

hid all over the place.

You make sure he don't finish too quick.

Normally I wait in the car...

But given your condition, I figured, you know,

I'd just hang out here in case you pass out or somethin'.

That's fine.

Here's two extra.

I do have one particular...

Request.

The circus is...

It's such a happy place and I've,

I've always loved clowns.

You must love elephants too. It smells like shit in here.

The air could be fresher in here.

So, Angel...

What I'd like you to do is if you can,

you can put this on.

You wanna fuck a clown?

This'll definitely be extra.

At least another three.

There's also a costume.

It'd be great if you could put that on.

Four.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go find more cash.

That should cover it.

Covered it.

Well, then I'll, uh...

Just go freshen up.

I'm sure you'll have a good time.

And so will I.

Oh...

Hey, old man?

You about ready?

I'll be out in a minute.

That's my dead body in his closet,

but you can hear me as long as I hold this crucifix.

Wait, listen, he will kill you, like he killed me!

I'm just trying to save you!

Let me out, let me out!

A rose for a beauty.

Now...

How about something with a little more pop?

Everyone loves a clown!

What the fuck?

Now let's see how you like it!

Now I can finally rest in peace.

You want it back?

You keep it.

That was insane, dude.

Wow.

I guess you could say,

the young lady was in no mood for clowning around.

This guy's funny.

No mood!

Where do you think that guy got his suit from?

I think he killed a pimp in the 1800s.

Now our next story

deals with the perils of combining an empty head

with a big mouth.

It's called Hate Radio.

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

What's up?

I swear I just saw a picture of myself.

That's weird, man.

Welcome to another wonderful night.

You're listening to the best talk radio program

in the world.

I am your brilliant and smooth-tongued host,

Mr. Hugh Bluff.

And I got a message for all you race hustling,

feminazis, libtards, angry gays,

welfare moochers, professional victims.

Huh, did I leave anybody out?

Look, whatever your hustle is, all right,

you my wanna change the station now

before you get your itsy-bitsy feelings hurt.

These crypto-lesbian man-haters

attending the university of fruits, flakes and nuts

up there in Berkeley, California, are redefining rape

as any time a man gets a rush of blood

into his nether regions within 50 feet of an x chromosome,

as a bunch of castrated, feminized,

emasculated, metrosexual pansies

are allowing themselves to be dominated by the weaker sex!

I mean, we didn't have maniacs like Ted Bundy

back in the 50s, you know why?

'Cause most of the women had their priorities straight.

Now time to open it up to the callers.

Jake from New Mexico, you are on the line.

Go ahead.

Mr. Bluff, my ex-wife never worked at all,

besides, like, raising the kids and stuff,

and she got the house and full custody.

And now she's got my own kids hatin' on me

because I hit the bitch a few times.

I feel for you, Jake.

But you know what some people say?

Behind every man charged with domestic violence

is a woman who just wouldn't shut her mouth.

Now, one of my favorite callers,

Felix, you are on the air.

How's it hanging?

Mr. Bluff, I want to expand on your comment

about Ted Bundy.

Has it ever occurred to you that guys like Ted,

or this new avenger they call The Chopper,

were actually doing a public service?

How so?

Serial killers remind women

that they need men around to protect them.

It might be the only thing that keeps them

from declaring all-out war on us.

Hail The Chopper.

That's why we like your phone calls, Felix,

because you bring a unique perspective to the program.

Right now, it's time to pay the bills.

We'll be right back after these commercial messages.

What do we got here?

"From your biggest fan."

Oh, wow!

Look at that.

Yes, sir.

Make America Great Again.

What the hell?

Fucking libtards.

♪ When Johnny comes marching home again ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ We'll give him a hero welcome then ♪

♪ Hurrah, hurrah ♪

♪ The men will cheer and the boys will shout ♪

♪ The ladies they will all turn out ♪

Who's the best radio talk show host in the country?

You are.

What the fuck?

Jesus!

Are you all right?

Hey, can you hear me?

So I ask you, where's it stop?

How long before real men stand up

and take your God-given rights back?

Are we just supposed to slink off into some dustbin

of world history as the politically

and vaginally-correct crowd create a new gynocracy

in which we no longer have a place?

What were you doing out in front of

Hugh Bluff's place tonight?

Where am I?

Who the hell are you?

Shut up, bitch.

Come on man, I am Hugh Bluff!

Stop imitating Mr. Bluff.

It's disrespectful.

Wait a second.

I recognize your voice.

Y-you're Felix.

Calling my program all the time.

You gotta let me go, listen, no!

Your program?

You got a lot of nerve saying that.

And, the given name is Felix,

but you can call me Chopper.

What do you think?

Ah, here we go.

Okay.

Wait a second, wait a second!

Listen to me!

I'm not a woman!

I'm Hugh Bluff!

No, not that!

- Look, man! - Yeah.

You're about to make a big mistake!

You fuckin' psycho!

What the fuck's the matter with you?

I'm Hugh Bluff!

No, please!

Please don't kill me with fire!

Open wide.

No, I'm Hugh Bluff!

No!

I guess that's what happens

when you walk a mile in another person's high heels.

No way.

He got flamed.

Whoa.

That was sick, man.

Oh.

Now this is what happens

when an evil lie becomes reality.

It's called The Healer.

Benighted ones across the globe,

God has used me as a vessel to heal and restore.

Perfection revealed!

Tumors, arthritis, blindness,

all manner of illness and disease have been vanquished

as we break the mirror of the devil's reflection

and reveal God's perfection.

Perfection revealed!

The man stands!

Praise the Lord.

He'll make the blind see.

This Sunday, I will bring my ministry

and vibrant health to your town

so that you can see in person

the perfection revealed.

Raise your hands above your head!

God's perfection revealed!

Come on Lord and show me!

Because as you know, I bring the healing,

and you bring the faith.

In God we trust.

That new spot's gettin' some good reaction, huh?

Yeah, we've already had a 20% spike in book sales online.

And we got enough product for tomorrow?

I increased inventory across the board,

but we do have a slight problem here.

The Tears of Jesus.

Two drops a day will chase the imperfection away.

Yeah, only they're empty.

We can't have Tears of Jesus without Jesus' tears.

Straight from God.

After all, everything comes from God, right?

Oh, jeez, Janet.

Sunglasses, sunglasses!

I mean, folks out there get one look

at your fucked-up eye,

and they won't believe I'd be able to heal a paper cut.

First question will be,

"Why can't Bishop Love fix yo raggedy-ass eye?"

Yes, sir.

And you know, when you're signin' my autograph,

I make my Bs bigger, okay?

Enough of that right now.

I need to get back to the hotel

so I can rest up for tomorrow.

That's him, that's the Bishop!

There he is!

- There's Bishop Love! - There's the Bishop!

- Oh, help us! - Help us!

Come on, brothers and sisters!

Please, sir!

We need you!

Tomorrow!

God bless you all!

Bishop, help us, please!

Please!

I don't want none of that.

Look, Janet, pull the car around

to the service entrance out back.

Now where the hell is Janet?

I got this honey waitin' on me back at the hotel

for a private laying on hands.

Jesus.

God won't get you out of this one, Bishop.

Who the hell are you?

This ain't about me.

It's about my daughter.

She had faith.

She had plenty of faith.

She bought your books.

Your prayer cloth.

She drove miles to have you shrink her tumor,

then practically bathe in your Tears of Jesus.

A lot of money wasted on snake oil

that could have bought honest medicine.

Okay.

How can I help you?

Money?

I don't want your damn money!

I want you to see my daughter.

She was beautiful, but when she died,

she looked like this.

Oh my God!

You oughta stop that God routine.

'Cause if He's up there,

He's got nothing for your triflin' ass.

Open your eyes.

She died in pain.

Great pain, and nothing can bring her back.

But I found magic, and some real tongues to speak in.

There is no magic.

There are no tongues!

I can't do it and you can't either!

That's right, sweetheart.

Hold it there.

Oh, baby...

They ain't Jesus' tears, but they work.

Now, drink.

No.

Drink.

Don't make me pick up this gun again.

Drink!

Now we wait.

Bishop Love, over here!

We need to get them transported.

It don't matter.

- You've got the power. - Get 'em both.

The sick and the crippled,

they'll be drawn to your perfection, like flies to shit.

Go to hell, old man.

Okay sir, let's go.

Easy.

Hands on the hood.

Now over there.

- Bishop? - Oh, yeah.

Thank goodness we put that emergency GPS app

on your phone.

Ow, damn!

Ow, my hand!

Probably cramping from being tied up so long.

Yeah.

How ya feelin'?

Now what is your psycho ass laughing at?

God is good...

Bishop.

Get me out of here, Clyde.

- Yes, sir. - Ow, damn!

Ow, my hand!

My eyes!

Mine too.

I-I-I-I can't see right.

Me either.

Huh, it seems like it's better without 'em.

Give me those.

What did you do?

I made you a healer.

Are you okay, sir?

Don't touch me Janet, goddamn it!

Don't you fuckin' touch me!

But I can help you!

No, do not touch me!

- But I can't help... - Stop!

My...

Wait a minute.

This can't be.

Oh my God!

It's a miracle!

This is not a miracle, I've gotten your scar!

Well I ain't takin' it back.

This is your fault, old man!

This is your fault!

Put the gun down!

Put the gun down!

- Drop your weapon! - Drop it!

I called some friends of mine

to join us out here, Bishop.

Stay away from me!

Get the fuck away from me!

Get away from me!

What the hell are you doing?

Get away!

Get away!

It's a miracle!

Perfection...

Revealed.

So I guess he became a healer after all.

Oh shit!

Check it out dude, I hit pay dirt!

Lesbian threesome action?

You are the man, Jamal!

Yes!

Where's the feed coming from?

I don't know.

The IP address keeps changing.

It feels like another ghost feed.

Yeah.

But these girls can feed me anytime.

Uh, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, what's she doing?

No, no, no, don't close your laptop baby!

Baby, don't close your laptop!

Whew.

Close, whew, that was close.

These bitches think they're witches or something.

Whatever, as long as they put out before they're done.

How can these fools believe in this shit

in the age of high tech, you know?

Is something wrong with your screen?

What the...

That's weird.

This guy's a real piece of work.

This is a story that may rattle you.

It's called Thy Will Be Done.

It's like he's controlling everything.

Cool, I got 'em back.

Thought I almost lost it.

That can't be real.

Dude, it's gotta be a trick.

This is really pissing me off now.

We're just along for the ride.

Remember, your procedure is a day from tomorrow.

If you have any questions at any time,

call our after hours number

on the bottom of the pre-op instructions.

Okay.

You're gonna be okay.

Thanks.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, please, can you help me?

My little girl just wandered off,

- I don't know where she is! - Oh God...

Please help me!

- I'm so sorry, I haven't... - She's just a baby,

and she's all alone, and I don't know where she is!

Here, wait, I have a photo right here of her!

Shut up!

Come on, close the door.

That's it, watch her head.

Careful.

Here we go.

So we take that off, you promise you're not gonna scream?

Aw, you're so cute.

Where am I?

What is this?

Well, it's what we call a rescue.

For the life of your child.

I don't have a child.

Oh yes, you do.

Inside of you.

Remember, you were gonna kill it

because it was somehow inconvenient to you?

Hey, if you didn't want a child,

you shouldn't have opened your legs.

I was raped.

I was raped!

It's still a life inside of you.

Are you not hearing me?

I was abducted and raped!

You have no idea what he did to me.

What it did to me.

Being raped does not mean that you can hurt an innocent.

It's not innocent.

It's ugly.

The next eight months can be easy,

or they can be hard.

- Please, please... - But you will have this baby.

I'm a good person.

This thing that is inside me, it is not good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, back up.

You need to trust in God as we do, right?

Let's let God decide what's good and what's not.

Okay, sweetie, here we go, open wide.

Open your mouth, sweetie.

Open wide.

Come on, come on, open up. You don't wanna die, do you?

You gotta eat, come on.

Come on.

- Open! - Come on, open up.

Open up, sweetheart.

- Open, just come on... - Open!

- Give out of the way. - All right, okay, fine.

- Move. - If that's what you want.

Okay, fine.

- Mm-mmm. - Come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on, it's okay, it's okay, come on.

That's right, there we go, good job.

Fuck you!

If that's how you want it...

Fine.

Naughty girl.

Yeah, you just keep on being disobedient, right?

Hold her, hold her!

Give your face, give it!

Give it!

- Oh yeah. - There.

Yeah, get out of there, get out of there.

- That's right, that's right. - I got it, I got it.

You will nourish your child.

No!

There you go.

Ooh, this is gonna be delicious.

God still loves you.

He still loves you, and you're gonna have a baby.

There we go.

You know, if you'd only eat, we wouldn't have to do this.

- Okay. - Mm-mmm.

Oh, wait.

You-you'd rather eat, huh?

- Uh huh. - Yeah?

I-I don't, I can't hear you.

What-what's that?

No, no!

No!

Goddamn it!

Hey Saul, I'm back.

Leanne!

I'm up here, I got locked in!

What?

She-she-she locked me in!

- She... - No, are you kidding me?

- Oh, God! - Oh, God!

You're such an idiot,

I never should have brought you into this!

- She fucking escaped! - Go find her!

Damn it!

Go down the tunnel, go through the tunnel!

Where is she?

Where do you think you're goin'?

I will not have this child.

I will not have this child!

I will not have this child!

- No! - No, no, stop, stop!

- Get out of me! - Quit it!

I won't!

I will not have this child!

I will not have this child!

- Come on. - I will not have this child!

Hey, her water broke!

Water broke, water broke!

It's too early!

It's too early, it's not good!

All right, I'll get the car ready!

Hold on, hold on, wait,

it's comin' man, it's gonna, it's gonna come.

All right, could you just get that off...

Yeah, I got it.

Help me!

Push!

It's coming, oh, it's coming!

Do you see what happens when you trust in God?

Miracles!

Miracles!

What the hell are you?

Your superior.

You will all be used to take my seed.

Put simply, like her,

you will bear my children, and you will die.

Hey, check it out, homeboy.

I'm a man, dawg.

I can't have a baby.

Well, why don't we let God decide that?

Turn it off, turn it off!

What the hell?

God!

He got us good.

I think they were watching us.

Yeah.

Yeah, you-you're right.

Oh my God!

Hey, do you wanna go to the Spotlight?

I need, I need a drink.

Yeah, definitely.

I think I'm gonna go for a double Long Island Iced Tea.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no!

Apparently, perverts should exorcize their demons,

before their demons exorcize them.

You've done very well.

So I am going to reward you with a year of youth and beauty,

my little dark princess.

Do you have any more stories for me this year, hmm?

But of course.

Ah.

My, my, my.

Now this is the most terrifying story of all.

It's about to happen now, and strangely enough...

It's about you.

Subtitles by explosiveskull