Original subtitles

Ripped By mstoll

The so-called "Father of Our Country," George Washington,

felt shaking hands was beneath the president,

so he would, uh, bow.

Now let's move on to the War of 1812.

Dolly Madison served the first bowl of ice cream

in the White House.

True story.

What are you doing?

You really shouldn't let your hair get so knotted,

unless you want it to fall out.

If you wanted it to fall out, I'm sorry for fixing it.

No, you can fix it.

John Adams may not have had Morticia and Thing,

but his economic policy was just as scary.

Wow, you're a really good hairdresser.

Thank you.

I used to want to be one.

PROFESSOR Uh, Ms. Platter,

you in my class to learn history, or, uh, do hair?

Hair!!

The mashed potatoes aren't as buttery as usual, Mom.

Did we go poor?

I learned something really important at college today!

I don't want to be there!

What?! Yeah.

I quit!

I'm gonna do hair.

Well, you can't do that.

There are bigger things in life than hair.

You have to stay in college and develop your mind.

Well, I don't know, Peggy.

She's been at that college for 2h years,

and it's a two-year college.

Seems like they had a whack at her and nothing took.

It's true. Nothing did!

You know, cutting hair might be good for her.

My barber Jack always says,

"Hair grows even during a recession."

Well, that may be true for licensed barbers.

But may I remind you both

that Luanne Platter, hairstylist,

failed her cosmetology test.

Luanne Platter, history student, would have known that.

Maybe Luanne Platter, dinner guest,

could send the butter this way?

Buck Strickland never went to college

and he runs four businesses

and never writes anything down.

Yeah, college wasn't for me.

They made that very clear.

Everyone's always talking about college,

but have any of you ever actually seen one?

Maybe Luanne should do what I did and join the Army.

No, that won't work.

Luanne thinks the Army is mean.

She just wants to cut hair,

but she flunked out of beauty school

and never got licensed.

Well, if all she needs is to pass her test,

I can help her with that.

I had to pass it to become an Army barber.

All right, Bill!

Just don't scream orders at her, though.

She cries.

Luanne, I can tell you're nervous.

If there's one thing I've learned

in my 20 years of barbering, it's this...

It will grow back.

If you did a great job or a bad job, it will grow back.

Gosh. You sure know a lot about cutting hair.

Yeah, well, I've been around a bit.

I remember when I was your age,

life was so full of possibilities.

Bruce Jenner's hair had fired the imagination of a nation.

Oh...

glory days.

Mr. Dauterive,

after I pass my State Board exam,

maybe I can live the dreams that you're too old to live.

You can!

It will grow back.

Well, look at her,

getting ready for a career.

Next thing, she'll be complaining

about how high her taxes are.

Luanne, honey, getting certified

as a stylist was the easy part.

Now you have to prepare yourself

for the constant rejection of the job hunt.

You're a stylist?

I'm Colette Davis.

I own Hottyz.

That's right, the one with the Z.

You brought the messy ponytail to Arlen!

And then two weeks later, you trashed it as uncool!

Guilty.

You know, I think you have the "Hottyz vibe."

And I know vibe.

The Arlen Advocate says I invented it.

Chair rental is 1,400 bucks.

Oh, and FYI...

Vibe, vibe, no vibe,

mmm, crazy vibe.

Wow! You were wrong, Aunt Peggy.

Finding a job was easy!

Oh, yeah? What about the chair rental?

How are you going to pay for it?

I can give you some money, Luanne.

I was just going to use it on, well, you know... the Internet.

Well, I couldn't take your money, Mr. Dauterive.

Huh!

Oh, but maybe we could share the chair!

No. I'm just an old Army barber, Luanne.

I packed that life away with my Dolphin shorts.

Mr. Dauterive, if you don't take a chance,

you'll end up miserable like Mr. Dauterive.

I mean... just someone else.

Look out, Hottyz, here I come!

We're Hottyz! Whoo!

Oh, for God's sakes, Hank.

She'll be fine.

Scrunchies for everyone!

It's gonna be so cool when we get to Hottyz,

and they say, "Do you have an appointment?"

And we say, "No, we work here,"

and they say, "No you don't."

And we say, "Nuh-uh, we do!"

And then we make up and give them a great haircut!

Last night, I dreamed about hair!

But it was a good dream this time,

not the one where it forms a noose and hangs me.

I'm so excited!

Hi!

I cut hair, too!

Isn't it so much fun?!

'Sup. You the new cutter?

We both are.

We're cutters!

We're cutters.

Whatever.

Here are your uniforms.

I'm never gonna take this off.

I don't know if I could.

Shh. Your hair is trying to tell me

all the nasty things it wants me to do to it.

That's Rico.

He's flaming hot and flaming gay.

He's vibe squared.

Hey, why is your client wearing a Hottyz T-shirt?

Oh, Mr. Dauterive?

He's not my client.

I couldn't afford the chair on my own

so we're sharing it.

He taught me everything I know.

Oh. Oh. No, no, this is not going to work.

Good-bye.

But we already paid a week's rent.

And I dropped out of school for this.

Fine.

You can stay the week. But you're last chair.

Audrey. Congrats.

Grab your ferret and your Jane magazines.

You're chair four.

Rico, I have closing arguments in an hour

and I need to look jury friendly.

Sorry, sweetie, I'm all booked up.

If you're real desperate,

you might try the new cutters in the back.

I'm in a rush. And I need to look...

Oh, my gosh!

You're are my first ever client.

Now don't be nervous.

If I screw up, it'll grow back.

Let's get you shampooed.

Hyah!

Mr. Dauterive got kicked right in his...

Well, I didn't see where her foot went,

but she said, "Bull's-eye!"

That's the real world for you.

Mr. Dauterive getting kicked in the groin.

Don't you wish you'd stayed in college?

Luanne, I'll give you a little tip.

If you want to succeed,

identify the most successful person at work

and do what they do.

We'll do it.

Hello, Luscious.

What kind of love are we making

with your hair today?

Rico is so successful.

We have to do what he does.

Did one of you breeders take my flat brush?

Rico, I heard you with your client.

You were very sexy.

Yes, I know.

People want to leave here feeling hot and sexy

and if you can't give it to them,

you may as well be barbering down at Jack's.

Please stand away from the mirror.

I like to watch myself while I cut.

He does have vibe.

Mm-hmm.

How would you like your hair cut today?

Dear Lord, I don't want to go back to college,

so please help me be sexy.

Amen.

Your hair is so sexy.

It reminds me of... sex.

Sorry, I'm late, everybody!

My Pilates class ran long.

I'm here for Rico.

Well, B-Do can help you now.

Psst. Are you homosexual?

I'm just trying to act more like Rico.

Huh. Me, too.

If I accidentally start acting not sexy,

give me a sign.

Go like this.

Okay. And give me the sign if I start acting not gay.

You sizzle with a capital "S," capital "izzle."

My boyfriend's taking me to Lake Arlen

for dinner and dancing and then we...

Tell me about your boyfriend.

Is he cute?

Does he have muscular thighs?

Thieving slut.

I bet he's the one who stole my Yoplait from the fridge.

♪ I will love you ♪

♪ Those days ♪

♪ Of warm rain come rushing back to me ♪

♪ Miles of windless ♪

♪ Summer nights ♪

♪ Summer nights ♪

♪ Secret moments shared... ♪

To Luanne and B-Do,

the hottest haircutting team in town.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

Okay, girls,

the next round's on me.

I can't cut hair without a hangover.

I could go for a beer...

Or, uh, a Pink Squirrel.

Yeah, I like my drinks the same as my men...

strong and sweet and under an umbrella.

Hey, we've got some hotties in the bar from Hottyz tonight.

This one's for them.

Come on, B-Do.

Back that thang up.

Show me the dance

that got you kicked off Fire Island, honey.

Try and stop me.

Ooh! Ah!

Boy, if I weren't so dang gay...

Aw, B-Do, I know it must be hard for you

in a town like this,

with no 24-hour gyms or TGI Fridays.

Hey, I think that guy's checking you out.

Oh.

Oh. My first ten dollar tip.

Thank you.

Okay, now meow like a kitty.

Meow?

B-Do will not bite.

I am gay.

Luanne, B-Do,

I am moving you to second chair.

Congrats.

Second chair?!

That's almost as good as first chair.

Hello.

Which hair gel do you suggest for my hair type?

Virgin or Dirty Girl?

Bobby. Truck.

Uncle Hank, this is so great.

I'm succeeding in the real world,

one up-do at a time.

Well, that's good to hear, I guess...

I figured I'd come to support you.

You want a haircut?

Uh, no, I just came to support you.

Good job.

Bill?

Hank?!

Bill?!

Hey, Hank.

I can't talk now. Little busy.

See you at home.

What happened to you? What?

You mean last night?

You don't own me.

Does your wife know you're here?

Well, no. I'm on my lunch break.

: I can't keep living like this, Hank!

You've got a wife and a family at home

and I've got nothing.

I just don't understand why everybody

is going to that nut house, Hottyz, instead of here.

Are you sure your pole is working?

Hottyz is the future, Hank.

Who wants a haircut from Jack,

when some pretty girl with all her teeth can do it?

Yeah, but they're going to Bill, too,

and he's acting like...

Hold your head still

unless you want me to cut that ear off.

Pirate?

Gondola operator?

Waiter?

Pirate waiter!

He's supposed to be gay, Dale.

Really?

I don't see it.

I don't know why people are always saying

how hard it is to be gay.

It's wonderful, really.

You're not gay.

They don't know that.

Women who are normally repulsed by me

are letting me brush their hair,

massage their shoulders, compliment their bottoms.

Hank, you know who else went to college?

Hey, Peggy.

Let's go invite your hair

to that party the rest of you is throwing.

Oh, Bill. Oh...

Check me out in first chair at Hottyz!

I wanted to invite you guys to a party tonight.

Rumor is, the chick they kicked off American Idol

is going to be cage-dancing.

B-Do, Scott dumped me,

and I need him to see what he's missing!

Oh, honey,

I swear on a stack of gladiators I will take care of you.

Hey! First chair!

I don't want to get hair on my blouse.

Oh...

Did you say something?

I saw your bosom move like you said something.

Kutt mistress said you got dumped by your guy, too.

I know.

I do astrology, and I can tell we're kindred souls, B-Do.

We're too much for our men.

Oh, your aura's so warm.

It's a shame you're gay.

I'm not gay!

No! I'm not gay!

We can be together, you and me...

our-our kindred souls!

You're not gay? Uh-uh. Hundred percent

into ladies.

Who wants a hug? L-I do!

Ew! You're disgusting!

You liar!

I shared a Coke with him!

I let him swim in my pool!

Yeah, but... oh.

It's all right. A real gay man's here.

Well, I take it back! I am gay!

Oh, you are?

Bi?

When you were gay, you were intriguing,

with an artistic bent,

but now that you're straight,

you're just... a sleazy barber.

Pack up and go back to that beer commercial that you came from.

But we're first chair!

Luanne, honey, you're fabulous.

I mean, you've got great abs and vibe to spare.

I mean, if it was just you,

I would hire you back in a second.

But since you and that are a team,

I got to let both of you go.

But I belong here.

I already failed out of college.

I cannot fail out of the real world.

There are no other worlds for me to go to.

We'll be all right, Luanne.

Mr. Dauterive...

Wow, this is really tough.

You're fired.

No, but we're a team.

Sorry, B-Do...

if that is your real name...

the shirt stays here.

Why can't I be gay?

I had it all... women, money, fancy clothes!

Bill, I don't think you were right for that salon.

Everyone said the same thing, only meaner.

Right after I bought $700 worth of shoes.

Well, didn't Luanne stand up for you?

No. She threw my cottage cheese

from the mini-fridge in the street.

What?! That is not right!

So, uh, are you ever gonna put on a shirt?

So you used Bill up

and you cast him aside.

Do you have any idea how hurtful that is

every time it happens to him?

I was just doing what you told me

and following the most successful person.

Now, that's Rico, and he said,

"Sexy talks; bald and straight walks."

I never told you to turn on your friends.

Maybe your Aunt Peggy was right.

You need to go back to college

and take some courses in being a decent person.

Kutt mistress, could you stop spinning for a second?

Mr. Dauterive is a great hair stylist.

Don't you see?

Mr. Dauterive can't help that he's straight.

It's just the way he was born.

It's in his DNAs!

Now, hair does not know gay from straight.

It just wants to be loved.

Shouldn't we all be more like hair?

I know I wish I had been more like hair

to my friend, Mr. Dauterive.

Very touching.

You're both fired.

It's great to stop pretending I'm someone else

so I can go back to pretending I'm me again.

I'm just gonna really miss cutting hair.

It was so great to be able to moonlight

and have an outlet for my creative jones.

Jack must be the luckiest man in the world.

He's doing what he loves and doesn't have to worry about anything but hair.

I'm gonna torch this place.

Well, maybe I can help you all out.

Hey there, Hank.

Want another haircut?

You can pay me in food.

I'll shave you for a sandwich.

What if I gave you something better?

My niece Luanne here is a great hair cutter,

and you'd be lucky to have her services.

Aren't you the first chair from Hottyz?

I was. W-We were.

Uh, Mr. Dauterive and me.

All right! I stole Hottyz first chair away!

And so the scales begin to tip for Jack.

Hmm, maybe I'll start paying back the muscular dystrophy jar.

You and Bill really turned things around here, Luanne.

Why don't you save the money you're making now

and move back in with us?

You mean it?

You don't think I need to go back to college?

No, I think you're right where you should be.

My God, you made me look hot, huh?!

And if your dad asks,

just tell him it will grow back.

Ripped By mstoll