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Ripped By mstoll

...y ahora, regressamos al Monsignor Martinez.

Rescate.

Yhora, ustedes se pueden besar.

Vaya con Dios.

Even in a wedding dress

Monsignor Martinez looks hot.

Hmm, that is one sexy priest.

Este sabado, Eduardo Felipe

su mismo va a aparecer persona en Arlen, Texas.

Oh, my God.

The actor who plays Monsignor Martinez...

Eduardo Filipe... is coming to Arlen.

We have to go, sugs.

I bet he's even swarthier in person.

I have been using videotapes of the show

as a teaching tool in my Spanish class.

I bet I could get the actor to show up

and be a guest speaker.

I would to see the full-time teacher Mrs. Pratt,

try to follow me after that.

I am very excited to be in...

Ar... len, to promote the new episodes

of my show.

This will be our 11th season.

I can't believe it's really him.

Hey, could you say, "Vay con Dios"for me?

Next.

Hola, my name is Peggy Hill,

and I am the three-time winner

of the substitute teacher award

at Tom Landry Middle School.

Well, maybe I should be asking for your autograph.

Oh, no.

Seρor Filipe, my students and I love your show.

And I was wondering if you could come to my Spanish class

as a special guest.

I'm sorry, Seρora, but I have a rule

about special appearances...

I do them only for my charity work with the sick children,

or for paid vacations on the cruise ships.

Dad, I accidentally used your toothbrush again.

Throw it out.

I got freakin' Monsignor Martinez

and he is coming to my classroom tomorrow.

Really? Wow.

Mom, can I come meet him?

You bet you can.

But you have to pretend to be a sick child.

Hmm.

What? The man only does guest appearances for sick children.

So what?

Peggy, the boy ain't right, but he's not sick.

Can I be in a bubble?

Who is excited about watching this week's

episode of Monsignor Martinez?

Pare se, Seρora.

If you put that tape in, it will explode.

The real Monsignor Martinez!

Seρor, this is the sick boy I was telling you about.

He cannot talk.

Be brave, little soldier.

From now on

you will be in the prayers of Monsignor Martinez.

Seρor, he should not be out of his bubble for too long.

If the moment is truthful

then stabbing to death El Jefe with an icicle

will come almost without conscious effort.

Okay, kids, I'm afraid

that is all the time we have with our very special guest.

Uh... uh... in Espanol.

Aiii.

That was the best... You are the coolest...

Oh, gracias, gracias, Seρor Filipe.

The children loved you.

The pleasure was all mine.

Sometimes I forget we have many young viewers.

We should probably do more episodes

like the one about the monkey

who smuggled the cocaine under his little hat.

Seρora, I'm about to have some lunch.

Please, join me.

I noticed you have the same passion for teaching

that I have for acting.

Gracias.

Hey, say, Vay con Dios, dude.

Hey! Hey!

Do not look over.

It will only encourage them.

Vay con Dios,

you pant load.

Seρora Hill, I have two children

who are about to take entrance exams

to private high school in America.

A teacher like yourself with your passion,

could help them pass such a test.

Would you be interested in coming to Mexico

to tutor my children?

Really?

I can see I have surprised you with my offer.

I will give you... a day to think about it.

Talk it over with the loved ones.

Oh, seρor, I have something to confess.

That boy in my classroom

was not sick atall.

Actually, that boy is my healthy son Bobby.

Seρora Hill, I am an actor.

I could tell right away that he was not sick.

I do not mean

to be unkind, but your son gave a terrible performance.

Yes, he was terrible, wasn't he?

Ah, yes.

But not as terrible as this fish! Waiter!

Hank, are you going to the propane convention

in Alberta?

There's a propane convention in Alberta?

It's exciting, isn't it?

Oh, by you'll be so far away... in Canada.

Yeah, but no distance is too great

when it comes to propane.

Mm-hmm, and I would have no problem

with you going to that convention,

even if it's for two weeks.

I don't see why you would.

Hank, there is no propane convention in Alberta.

What?

But I have been offered

a job in Mexico.

The actor who plays Monsignor Martinez

wants me to go to Mexico

and be a private tutor for his children.

It will only be for two weeks.

No way, Peggy.

You only know this guy through the television.

Hank, can't you see

what an incredible opportunity this is for me?

This is a real double whammy for me, Peggy.

You want to leave and there's no propane convention.

But if it means that much to you,

I guess you should give this guy a call

and tell him yes.

Thank you, Hank.

Luanne, I want you to look after Bobby and Hank while I'm gone.

I would have had you practice with an egg first,

but there's no time.

You're trusting me?

I will do such a good job being you,

that you will not even know that you're gone.

Well, I guess I should get going.

Wow, this is going to be the first we'll be apart

for more than a couple of days.

Yeah, uh, Peggy, remember to take your glasses off

before you take a nap on the plane.

I will, Hank.

Peggy, not in the airport.

I trust your flight was good.

You know I've never flown first class before.

My husband says coach is just as good...

you get there at the same time.

Yes, yes.

People who have never flown first class always say that.

Ah, Seρora Hill,

These are my children, your students.

Antonio and Christina.

Hola, Seρora Hill.

Hola.

Seρora, you have had a long flight.

May I suggest you start fresh manana.

Oh, manana, yes, of course.

Let me show you around.

Mi casa es tu casa.

Seρora Hill, acting is not my only passion.

I have another...

making homemade wine.

I too have another passion... Boggle.

It is good to have many passions, yes?

I have always said...

Uh, these blackouts happen all the time in Mexico.

One of my children was conceived in such a blackout.

Would you like to taste my homemade wine, Seρora Hill?

Well, you have the most spectacular sunsets in Mexico.

Yes, it is the pollution.

My wife and I used to sit out here every night

and watch the sun sink behind the city.

If it's not too personal a question, where is your wife?

She is, uh... how you say,

with our ancestors.

Oh, I am so sorry.

I miss her very much.

The heart can get lonely.

More wine?

More wine?

Well, who could say no to a glass of homemade Mexican wine?

This is actually pretty good, Luanne.

I got the recipe from Redbook.

Which is actually a magazine.

Well, I'm done.

See ya.

See ya.

Ooh, wait.

I think you're supposed to excuse yourself

from the table properly.

Sit down, please.

May I be excused from the table?

Yes, you may.

He's a lovely boy.

Who? Bobby?

Uh-uh-uh.

We do not answer the phone during dinner hour.

Yes, we do.

Hello.

Hi, Honey, it's me.

How's the new job going?

Oh, it's great.

Seρor Filipe took me on a tour of his mansion.

He showed me his private gym and wine cellar,

and I tasted some of his homemade wine.

That sounds unnecessary.

Oh, he was just being courtly.

He's Latin.

That's what they do.

They are courtly.

Well, Hank, you know, I should get some sleep.

I start teaching tomorrow. Love you.

Uh... back at ya.

My children have promised me

that they will listen to your every word

as if you were their mother.

For you, Seρora Hill.

Oh, a mango.

One of the passion fruits.

Gracias, seρor.

It's from the children.

Oh, right, Uh-huh.

The children.

Gribble residence.

Nancy, it's Peggy.

Eduardo is flirting with me big time.

I think he is coming on to me.

Are you sure?

Uh-huh. He used the familiar

tu casa instead of su casa.

We drank wine on a balcony and watched the sunset.

Where's the wife? Dead.

Perfect. Did you flirt back?

I do not know.

Did you blush and giggle?

I may have blushed and giggled once or twice.

Congratulations, sug. You were flirting.

But I got to warn you: Don't enjoy it too much,

because there's this moment where there is no turning back.

All of a sudden you can't remember your husband's name.

Your body goes limp,

and then you are pulled down by the undertow of passion.

You're drowning, sug, but you don't care.

I will never drown

because I am wearing the best life preserver there is...

my marriage to Hank.

Margarita.

I want you, Margarita.

I want you like I've wanted no other woman.

And I am afraid you cannot have me, Eduardo,

for I have given my heart to another... Hank Hill.

Oh, I hate this Hank Hill for stealing your heart.

Please, I must have you now, or I will throw myself

off this cliff.

I must refuse your advances for the second time.

Eduardo! No!

Think of the children!

What is the capital of Oregon?

Seρora Hill, what is the capital of Oregon?

Huh? Uh, Portland.

No, no, Salem.

Are you sure, Seρora?

Who's the American here?

Hey, Luanne, did you buy any beer?

I know you wanted me to get a case of beer,

but it's not very healthy,

so I got a case of V-8juice instead.

But it's my week to bring the beer out to the alley.

Uncle Hank, V-8juice has eight vitamins.

Beer has one: Barley.

So Peggy phoned Nancy last night

and apparently this Eduardo fella

is real sweet on Peggy.

What?

Dale, I think Nancy must have had

a bad connection or something

because I talked to Peggy

and she said that Eduardo was just being courtly.

Mmm... no...

Doesn't surprise me.

Peggy's a very beautiful woman.

Shut up, Bill.

Why? Don't you think Peggy is beautiful, Hank?

Of course I do.

I just don't feel the need to say it is all.

And that

is why it is called Pittsburgh.

Ah, Seρora.

Seρora, I need your help, uh,

in the running some lines.

Okay... you are the Ambassador's beautiful daughter

who speaks no Spanish.

We hide in the drug lord's greenhouse.

It is hot, very, very hot,

and also very dangerous.

You must stand close.

Oh, well, it is how people would stand

in a hot, dangerous greenhouse.

The one thing more dangerous than my enemies

is your beauty.

"Hold me tight.

I so greatly fear these enemies who threaten us."

Hush, Rebecca. I believe my enemies are coming.

And I also believe

that I am falling in love with you.

Oh, God, that is good dialogue.

I need an agua de frutas break.

Uncle Hank, we need to have a serious talk about Bobby.

No we don't.

Now, Bobby's at an age

where we should be giving him his

Sex talk.

Luanne, stop trying to be yourAunt Peggy.

You're no Peggy.

You're fired.

Well, I'm glad you're firing me,

'cause being Aunt Peggy

is the most thankless job I've ever had!

No wonder she ran away to Mexico!

Ai!

Oh, I'm sorry I frightened you, Seρor Filipe.

You did not frighten me.

We need to talk.

Excuse me, Margarita,

but those must be the roses I had delivered.

Roses?

Yeah, I know this is not

what I brought you up here for,

but would you mind getting the roses

and bringing them to my bedroom?

Si.

Uh, could you place the roses on the bed?

Maybe... maybe spread the petals around?

It needs a woman's touch, yes?

Look, Seρor, we really need to talk.

Uh, y-yes, I remember,

but I need a moment to, uh, prepare myself

and then I will give you my full attentions.

♪ ♪ Besame... ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ Besame mucho... ♪ ♪

He wants to kiss me much.

♪ ♪ Tengo miedo a perderte... ♪ ♪

Okay, soon you are going to be face-to-face

with a naked, wet, Latin television star.

All right, then what, Peggy? Huh?

All right, then what, Peggy? You'll forget what's-his-name...

Oh, God, what is his name?

Hank! Hank Hill.

No, no, no.

I will not give that man the thrill of me seeing him naked.

No!

Seρora Hill, what in God's name are you doing?

Stop playing coy with me, Eduardo.

I must insist that you leave, Seρora.

All right, I am not leaving

until you wrap this towel around you

and you listen to what I have to say.

Seρor Filipe, I understand that my being an American woman

may seem exotic...

Uh, my wife has come home early.

What? Yourwife?!

Oh, God, what do we do?

What do we do?

I will go down to greet her.

Yes! Yes! That's good!

Go! Go! Go!

The roses!

Seρora Hill...

where are the roses?

Don't worry. I took care of them.

Now, where is your wife?

Uh, Seρora Hill, this is my wife Maria.

Hola.

I... I thought you were dead.

No. I was with my ancestors.

No, not my ancestors...

my, uh... ay, como se dice...

My grandparents.

Yes, yes, I told her this.

Seρora Filipe, I just want you to know

that nothing happened between us.

Even though I was flattered by your husband's advances,

I am a happily married woman.

I am so sorry,

but I will not be able to satisfy your lust for me.

Oh, wait, wait... l-I am sorry,

I am not sure I understand.

You...

You thought I wanted you as a lover?

Well, yes.

Well, you couldn't have been more obvious...

the mango, the roses...

The roses were a surprise for my wife.

Well, of course you would say that in front of her.

But you cannot deny your constant flirting with me.

I mean, the wine, the familiar use of "tu" instead of "su".

I was just being a good host.

Seρora, I am sorry,

but I do not desire you in that way at all.

You are, how you say, um... old.

Old? I am not old.

I am only 41.

Oh, no, I've done it again.

Anyway, I would never, never,

never take you as a lover.

I got it.

Oh, this is so embarrassing.

Uh, yes, it's quite comical.

Look, my wife finds it comical as well.

Oh... uh...

I'm... I'm sorry.

Hello? Strickland Propane.

Hi, Hank. It's me.

I just thought you would like to know

that I'm coming home tomorrow.

Turns out my students were really fast learners.

Well, uh, I'm glad you're coming back.

It's not the same without you.

Uh, we miss you.

My flight number is Mexicana Airlines, 710.

Okay, bye!

I have contacted another teacher for your children.

Her name is Sandra Morgan.

She's 61 years old.

She is old.

Well, then, via con dios.

I meant that as myself, not as, you know, the character.

Welcome home to Texas, Peggy.

Where is the truck?

Oh, no!

What's this on the floor?

Hank, I...

I have been on a plane all night.

Whatever is on the floor

I will pick it up in the morning.

Hey, looks like

chocolates, and, uh...

wow, they're, uh, Kisses.

Did you do this?

Yeah. I got it from the Redbook.

Hey, I wonder where they go?

Do they lead to our bed?

Maybe.

They don't lead to the bed.

Nope. Keep going.

To the bathroom?

Uh...

Okay, the tub.

Hank, did you buy scented candles?

I am tired and I give up.

What am I looking for?

His-and-her sinks.

Well, that's yours right there.

Turn on the tap. Give it a try.

You don't like it.

Hank,

I love it.

You know how you always complain

that I was shaving and leaving hairs in the sink?

Well, Joe Jack heard about this plumber

that was going out of business, and then...

Ripped By mstoll

Wha-hoo!

In Espaρol.

Ai.