Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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SHH...

* OHH *

* AH *

* OHH *

* BABY, TALKIN' DIRTY *

* TALK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY... AFTER DARK *

Man: * TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* TALK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY... AFTER DARK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* EACH NIGHT I GO OUT TO MY FAVORITE SPOT *

* AND I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I'M EXTREMELY HOT *

* AND I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU HERE, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE *

* BUT YOU'RE SOMETHIN' KINDA SEXY *

* YOU MUST BE A STAR *

* WELL, YOU'RE MAGNETIZED, I'M CIRCUMCISED *

* YOUR GRAMMAR RISIN', I'M HERE TO GRATIFY YA *

* DON'T PATRONIZE ME WITH THAT BULLSHIT FROM THE STREET *

* YOU'RE TALKIN' DIRTY, LOOKIN' KINDA LIKE YOU'RE SWEET *

* I'LL SHAKE YOU DOWN, RUB YOU DOWN, AND FLIP YOU OVER *

* AND OVER *

* AND OVER AGAIN *

* COME ON, BABY, LET THE GAMES BEGIN *

* NOW TALK DIRTY TO ME *

* TALK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY... AFTER DARK *

YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS? I THINK YOU'RE AFRAID.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT IT IS, YOU'RE AFRAID.

YOU COULDN'T TALK DIRTY TO ME EVEN IF YOU TRIED TO.

YOU WANNA GET SOME OF THIS? UH-HUH, TALK DIRTY TO ME.

* WHOO-WHOO-WHOO *

* NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE *

* YOU'RE LIKE A STAR, A SHINING STAR *

* IN THE NIGHTTIME, BABY *

* AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM *

* SO TAKE MY HAND, LISTEN TO THE PLAN *

* TO MAKE LOVE ALL NIGHT LONG *

* TALK DIRTY TO ME *

* TALKIN' DIRTY *

* TALKIN' DIRTY *

* COME ON, BABY *

* OHH *

* FROM THE FIRST TIME YOU SAW MY FACE, HUH *

* YOU KNEW THAT I WAS FROM ANOTHER PLACE *

* NOT FROM HERE, NOT FROM THERE, NOT FROM ANYWHERE *

* BUT THROUGH ALL THINGS *

* I MADE YA STARE, SO COME ON... *

* KINDA LIKE YOU'RE MY... PLEASURE *

Man: THIS IS TERRY.

LEAVE YOUR NAME AND THE TIME THAT YOU CALLED.

TONIGHT YOU CAN CATCH ME PERFORMIN'

AT DUKIE'S COMEDY CLUB, DOIN' MY THING.

YO, SO COME ON DOWN TO 141st STREET IN SOUTH CENTRAL.

GOD BLESS. PEACE. SEE YA!

Woman: THIS IS MISS WASHINGTON FROM THE PHONE COMPANY.

IT IS NOW 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON.

YOUR PHONE BILL IS OVERDUE.

IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE BY MONDAY MORNING,

I'M CUTTING IT OFF.

I'M TIRED OF YOUR SHIT.

I'M TIRED OF YOUR SHIT.

FUCK YOU, FUCK THE PHONE COMPANY.

LITTLE 4-1-1 TING-A-LING-A-LING HO.

ALL Y'ALL KISS MY ASS.

MM-HMM.

COME ON, RUBY LIN, BABY.

I TOLD YOU I WANNA GET TO THE CLUB EARLY TONIGHT.

DAMN.

WHY CAN'T YOU COOPERATE SOMETIME?

WHY CAN'T YOU FIND TIME FOR ME?

BECAUSE I GOT A BUSINESS, AND MY BUSINESS

TAKE REAL GOOD CARE OF YOU, THAT'S WHY.

DUKIE, COME HERE, BABY.

DUKIE, I WANT IT TO BE LIKE IT WAS

WHEN WE FIRST GOT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.

MAKIN' LOVE IN THE BATHTUB, BABY.

OH, BABY. OOH, YEAH.

AND SUCKIN' BUTTER ALMOND ICE CREAM WITH HOT FUDGE

OFF MY TOES.

OH, BABY. OOH, BABY.

OH, DUKIE,

I WANT THAT WEENIE WHEN I WANT IT.

BABY, YOU KNOW WE AIN'T GOT NO TIME...

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

OH, YOU HEAR ME ALL RIGHT, BABY.

WE LEAVIN' IN ONE MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, HOLD YOUR PEE.

PSSH. I'M ALMOST READY.

I'M ALMOST READY.

UH-HUH...

LOOK, MR. SINCLAIR, I RAN INTO A LITTLE FINANCIAL PROBLEM.

I KNOW YOU ALWAYS HELPIN' ME OUT, M--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT ME TO BEG?

I'M DOWN ON MY KNEES, MAN. I'M BEGGIN'.

I'M KISSIN' YOUR ASS, YOUR ENTIRE ASS.

THAT'S FOR YOU, MAN.

BOY, YOU SICK. BYE.

DUKIE, WHO WAS THAT?

TERRY.

TERRY? UH, WHAT DID HE WANT?

WHAT DOES TERRY ALWAYS WANT? MONEY.

HE NEEDS $67 TO PAY HIS DAMN PHONE BILL.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH?

I KEEP TELLIN' YOU THAT BOY IS GONNA BE BIG ONE DAY YET.

YOU OUGHT TO INVEST.

TERRY DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO ME. HE'S JUST ANOTHER COMIC.

I DON'T SEE WHAT YOU SEE IN THAT DAMN BOY.

PERSONALLY, I JUST LOVE HIS WORK.

AHEM.

* TIME *

* FOR ME TO GO TO WORK *

* AND SHE LAYS OUT HER KISSES *

* SAYS THAT I GOT WHAT SHE'S MISSING *

* YOU KNOW IT'S... * * TIME *

* FOR ME TO GO TO WORK *

BIGG...

WOULD YOU MIND STAYIN' HOME TONIGHT?

HEY, BABY, WHY DON'T YOU STAY HOME?

YOU TRYIN' TO HIDE SOMETHIN' OR WHAT?

NO, BABY, YOU KNOW I WOULDN'T DO THAT.

IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S JUST THAT YOU CAUSE A COMMOTION

EVERY TIME YOU COME DOWN TO THE CLUB.

I DON'T LIKE NOBODY LAUGHIN' AT MY WOMAN.

BIGG, I'M A COMEDIAN.

BABY, YOU MY LOVE GODDESS, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.

IF ANYBODY LOOKS AT YOU WRONG OR LAUGH AT YOU,

I'M GONNA KILL 'EM!

OH, NO, BIGG, COME ON!

I'M JUST GONNA GO...

OH! BIGG, COME ON.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

YAH! AAH!

BIGG, YOU GONNA HAVE TO LEARN

TO CONTROL YOUR EMOTIONS.

HEY, BABY, I LIKE BEIN' JEALOUS.

I'M A WILL KINDA KILL KINDA MOTHER KINDA BROTHER.

THAT'S WHAT MOTIVATES ME. YAHSS!

TELL YOU WHAT, BABY.

YOU DO 500 MORE BENCH PRESSES

AND FIX YOURSELF TWO GALLONS OF WARM MILK

AND SOME CHIPS AHOY COOKIES,

AND THEN GET IN BED AND WAIT FOR ME.

YOU GOT IT, BABY.

I'M-A STAY HOME AND WATCH GUMBY

AND HOMEY D. CLOWN VIDEOS, BABY,

TILL MY BABY GET BACK.

OKAY, BABY.

YOU BUILD MAMA SOME TWIN PEAKS

ON TOP OF THOSE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.

WHAT ROCKY MOUNTAINS?

THOSE ROCKY MOUNTAINS.

YEAH, BABY.

YOU GOT IT, MAMA.

AND, BIGG, PICK UP THE FURNITURE.

YEAH.

I LOVE YOU.

OH, LORD, MY BABY AND THOSE WEIGHTS.

GOT TO GET TO L.A.

WELL, Y'ALL GOIN' SOMEWHERE, HUH?

LOOK LIKE HE GOIN' TO SING-SING TO ME.

OH, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME. COMIN' THROUGH, COMIN' THROUGH.

OUCH!

YOU HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH YOUR SUITCASE!

DID YOU HIT MY BABY BOY?

IT WAS A MISTAKE.

I THINK WE CAN TAKE HIM.

I'M SORRY, MA'AM. IT REALLY WAS A MISTAKE.

WHY YOU MESSIN' WITH MY KIDS?

WE GONNA GET YA.

YOU SEE THIS FIST?

FRANKLY, YOUR KIDS GOT ME SCARED FOR MY LIFE.

MOVE YOUR BLACK ASS DOWN THE AISLE, THEN.

BLACK ASS A-MOVIN'.

Boy: IT LOOK LIKE YOU, TOO.

HEY, YOU DAMN PREVERT!

YOU TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME, YOU UNDERSTAND?

I DIDN'T TOUCH NOTHIN'. I DIDN'T TOUCH NOTHIN'.

THAT'S A VERY NICE COAT.

THANK YOU. WHAT YOU LAUGHIN'?

OH, NOTHIN'. YOU TOOK A FASHION RISK AND LOST.

MEN--THEY THINK THEY KNOW EVERYTHING.

WHASSUP, GIRL?

MM-HMM-HMM.

DAMN! ANOTHER ONE?

AW, SHIT.

DAMN.

I GOTS TO GET ME SOME NEW FORWARD GEARS.

MOVE YOUR ASSES! THANK YOU.

Woman: STILL WAITING FOR MY ORDERS, JEFF.

WHAT'S THE BIG HOLDUP?

COME ON. HURRY IT UP...

HOW YOU DOIN' TONIGHT?

HUH? ALL RIGHT.

MAN--

JACKIE, JACKIE, JACKIE, JACKIE, WHASSUP?

I'M GOOD, MAN. HOW YOU DOIN'?

YO, MAN. HOW CAN I COMPLAIN?

YO, MAN, I HEAR THEY GOT YOU M.C.ing

AT THE CLUB AGAIN TONIGHT?

YO, MAN, HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

RUBY LIN AND DUKIE KNOW I BE BUSTIN' IT, MAN.

OH, OH, OH. "OH, OH, OH."

I UNDERSTAND YOU GOT A SPOT ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.

HOW YOU DO THAT?

BRAH, YOU DON'T GET RICH JUST BY WORKIN' HARD.

YOU GOT TO BE POLITICAL, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

WHAT YOU DOIN' AFTER THE GIG TONIGHT, MAN?

I'M HOOKIN' UP WITH THIS KILLER SISTER, MAN.

GET OUTTA HERE. YES, SIR.

MAYBE WE CAN DO A DOUBLE THING.

AH, DAMN, I WOULD LOVE TO, MONEY, BUT I CAN'T.

I MIGHT STILL BE POLITICKING

AND GETTIN' A LITTLE PUSSY IN THE PROCESS.

HEY, NOW, TERRY, LOOK, MAN,

WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO DO IS GET YOU A NICE WOMAN

AND SETTLE DOWN.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, OH, SNAP. GET OUTTA HERE.

YO, I'M LIKE SEVEN FUCKIN' YEARS OLD.

YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT SETTLE DOWN, MAN?

NO, I AIN'T HAVIN' IT. I AIN'T HAVIN' IT.

THAT CAREER PUSSY, BROTHER,

GON' MAKE YOUR DICK GET REAL OLD REAL FAST.

NO, BRAH, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

KNOW WHY? BECAUSE I'M UP ON MY CURRENT AFFAIRS, MAN.

YO, I'LL DO JUST LIKE THOSE OLD PEOPLE IN RUSSIA.

I KEEP DIPPIN' MY DICK IN SOME YOGURT.

YEAH, YEAH, YOGURT--PLAIN, SMALL.

OH, OH, OH, OH.

HOMEYS, YOU GOT YOUR ORDERS YET?

COME ON, MAN.

Man: HOW YOU DOIN', BABY?

Woman: ARETHA!

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

Woman #2: THERE SHE IS! THERE'S ARETHA!

OH, GIRL, I LOVE YOU. YOU FUNNIER THAN WHOOPIE.

HOW ARE YOU DOIN' TONIGHT?

Woman #2: WHOO, GIRL, LET ME TELL YOU...

Aretha: SURE I'LL GIVE YOU MY AUTOGRAPH.

YOU GOT A PEN? I AIN'T GOT NO PEN.

ALL RIGHT NOW. HEY, BABY!

MAN, HEY, HEY, WHY CAN'T YOU PARK THIS THING?

YO, LET'S GO BACK AROUND ONE MORE TIME.

I THINK SOMEBODY NOTICED ME, BOY.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT. MAN, WHAT--

OH, GIRLS, STOP. LISTEN, I LOVE Y'ALL.

I'M GON' BURN IT UP TONIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

OOH, ARETHA, WHAT TIME DOES YOUR SHOW START?

11:00, 12:00, IT DON'T MATTER.

ALL I NEED IS A MICROPHONE, A SPOTLIGHT,

AND SOME LOUD, SICK PEOPLE.

WHASSUP?!

I'M A OUTPATIENT. HA HA HA HA.

Woman: YOU'RE A HOT CHOCOLATE THING, AIN'T YA?

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU HAD A HAIRCUT, ANYWAY?

SCHOOLED.

OH, MY GOODNESS, BIG BOY, DON'T HURT YOURSELF.

YOU ARE DUKIE'S QUEEN, BABY.

YOU CAN SPOIL ME ALL YOU WANT TO.

I LOVE DOIN' IT FOR YOU, DARLIN'.

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED,

WHEN YOU NEED IT, AND WHERE YOU NEED IT.

YOU KNOW I WILL.

FLOWERS ALWAYS GET TO ME.

THIS IS NOTHIN'. I'LL BUY YOU A ROSE GARDEN.

PUT A STAGE AND A MICROPHONE IN IT. HOW'S THAT?

I CAN'T WAIT. DON'T MAKE ME WAIT TOO LONG.

THAT GIRL GONNA MAKE US RICH WITH HER FINE SELF.

OH, CUPCAKE, YOU TOO PRETTY.

* GOTTA KEEP THIS LOVE ALIVE *

* OOH *

HEY, BROTHER.

HOW YA DOIN'?

BE SURE THAT THE MONEY IS--

Ruby Lin: KISS ME.

Terry: ARE YOU CRAZY?

CRAZY FOR YOU.

MM. MM.

MM.

AH. ENOUGH, NOW. LIGHTEN IT UP, GIRL.

UH

WHAT?

YOU GONNA GET THE MONEY FOR YOUR PHONE BILL, RIGHT?

YEAH?

AND YOU GOT A SPOT ON THE LINEUP NEXT WEEK, RIGHT?

YEAH.

AND YOU JUST GOT A SUDDEN URGE

TO SHOW SOME APPRECIATION, RIGHT?

MM.

YOU WANT IT, YOU WANT IT.

YOU THE MAN. SAY, YOU FINE, TOO.

WELL, LOOK HERE, YOU KNOW THE ONE BIG DIFFERENCE

BETWEEN ME AND YOUR HUSBAND, RIGHT?

WHAT? IS THAT I CARE.

HA HA HA. WHEN DID YOU TALK TO HIM?

LAST NIGHT. OH, YEAH?

YEAH, I TIED HIM DOWN, WE HAD SEX,

AND THEN I TOLD HIM ALL YOUR JOKES.

DID HE LAUGH?

HMM.

HARD TO SAY. WHY?

I WAS SITTIN' ON HIS FACE AT THE TIME.

OH, SNAP!

OH, YOU'RE SO SUPPORTIVE.

HA HA HA HA.

MM-HMM. WELL, LOOK, HOLD THOSE FOR ME.

WILL DO.

WELL, LOOK, I GOTTA GO. I GOT TO GO.

OH, BABY... LISTEN.

WE GOT TO STOP MEETIN' LIKE THIS, ALL RIGHT?

LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.

I'M OUTTA HERE. OKAY.

OH, AHH! MR. SINCLAIR. WHAT'S UP, MAN?

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOIN' IN MY LINEN CLOSET, MAN?

FUCK IN...CLOSET? SINCLAIR, YOU A TRIP, MAN.

GET OUT MY WAY. COME ON.

YOU AIN'T MIKE TYSON, MAN. GET OUT MY WAY, BOY.

I'LL KNOCK YOU OUT, BOY.

I WAS JUST PLAYIN'.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON IN HERE?

SOMETHIN'S HAPPENIN' IN HERE.

YOU STAY YOUR ASS OUTTA MY CLOSET, YOU HEAR ME?

YEAH, I'M-A GET READY.

I'M-A GO CHANGE AND GET READY FOR THE SHOW.

I'M GONE, MAN.

TAKE A SHOWER!

CRAZY LITTLE BOY.

WHAT HE'S DOIN' IN MY LINEN CLOSET, ANYWAY?

UGH.

JACKIE, DO I GOT TIME TO GO OUT AND COME BACK?

AS LONG AS YOU BACK BY 11:30.

THIS SHIT DON'T START ON TIME ANYWAY.

LOOK, BY 11:30, ANTONIO. BE ON TIME.

RELAX, BABY. WHERE I'M

ALL MY GIRLS IN BED BY NOW.

THAT'S 'CAUSE THEY ALL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

WHAT ABOUT MY SPOT?

CAN WE PUT THIS CONVERSATION ON FREEZE FOR A MINUTE?

AM I A LITTLE TOO AFROCENTRIC FOR YOU, BROTHER?

A LITTLE BIT.

AM I TELLIN' A LITTLE TOO MUCH TRUTH?

AM I HITTIN' A LITTLE TOO CLOSE TO HOME?

TELLIN' YOU TOO MUCH TRUTH,

SOMETHIN' YOU DON'T LIKE TO HEAR?

MAKIN' YOUR EARS BURN WITH RIGHTEOUSNESS?

WHO YOU CALLIN'?

NO, SEE, THIS IS THE THING.

DUKIE DO THIS EVERY TIME I COME TO THE CLUB.

"COME ON DOWN TONIGHT. WE GOT A FULL HOUSE."

FULL HOUSE? AM I GONNA GET SOME FULL HOUSE MONEY?

HELLO, KIMMIE? YEAH, THIS IS JACKIE.

Kimmie: HOW ARE YOU?

...YOU DON'T SEE ME A COUPLE OF WEEKS.

"WHERE YOU BEEN?"

I BEEN ROBBIN' LIQUOR STORES, TRYIN' TO MAKE ENDS MEET.

IT'S HARD TO BE FUNNY WHEN YOU RUNNIN' FROM THE LAW...

AND WE GOT A SPECIAL SEAT JUST FOR YOU, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, I'LL SEE YOU IN A FEW.

OKAY, BYE-BYE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THE DEAL IS.

THE DEAL IS THESE TOM CLUB OWNERS

ARE SCARED OF A BROTHER LIKE ME

'CAUSE THEY KNOW I TELL THE TRUTH.

IS DUKIE AFRAID THAT I MIGHT GO UP ONSTAGE

AND TELL PEOPLE THAT HE WATERIN' DOWN DRINKS?

IS HE AFRAID THAT I MIGHT GO UP ONSTAGE

AND TELL PEOPLE THEY EATIN' OLD CHICKEN

FRIED IN LAST WEEK'S GREASE?

IS HE AFRAID-- ROACH! ROACH.

I'LL GET YOU 12 MINUTES INSTEAD OF 10, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT THEN, MY BROTHER.

AS SALAAM-ALAIKUM TO YOU, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

THE ONLY WAY THAT WE CAN RISE AS A PEOPLE

IS THROUGH STRENGTH AND INDEPENDENCE, RIGHT?

IF YOU COULD LOAN ME $12 TILL NEXT TUESDAY,

I'LL PAY YOU BACK THIS TIME, I SWEAR TO GOD.

HEY, TERRY, COME ON, MAN, RELAX, MAN.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GO OUT THERE AND SMILE

AND DON'T OPEN YOUR MOUTH,

AND I TELL EVERYBODY YOU A POLITICIAN.

YO, WHY YOU KEEP SWEATIN' ME, MAN?

I'M SCARED. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

HEY, TERRY, TERRY, COME ON, MAN.

YOU GOT TALENT, MAN. USE IT.

YEAH, WELL EVEN THE BEST GET SCARED, ALL RIGHT?

STUPID.

I JUST HOPE MY DAMN TEETH DON'T FALL OUT.

* NOW I STEP INTO THE SPOT OF THE DAY *

* CHECKIN' OUT THE SOUNDS THAT MY BOYS SAID THEY PLAY *

* WHAT'S THAT? * * NOT SURE *

* BUT IT DOES SOMETHIN' TO YA *

* I THINK IT'S JAZZ-- CHILL, LET ME SCHOOL YA *

* YOU CAN'T BE NARROW-MINDED IF YOU GIVE IT A TRY *

* THEN YOU'LL HAVE TO ADMIT *

* YEAH, RIGHT, JAZZ IS FLY *

* NO NEED TO ATTACK ME, BUT MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY *

* GIVE IT A TRY, YOU'LL SEE THE BEATS ON POINT, G *

* ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YO, DON'T GET SO OFFENDED *

* SO TELL ME HOW JAZZ AND HIP-HOP CAN BE BLENDED *

* BELIEVE ME, ALREADY SAID AND DONE *

* WHERE'D YOU THINK BEATS ORIGINATED FROM? *

DID YOU SEE THE M.C.? MM-HMM.

OOH, HE IS SO FINE.

YEAH, HE'S FINE,

BUT I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS YOU EXIST.

AND I SUPPOSE HE'S BEEN CALLIN' YOU EVERY DAY, RIGHT?

I ONLY MET THE GUY LAST WEEK.

ALL I NEED IS ONE NIGHT TO GET HIM, MM-HMM.

OH, MISS THING, I KNOW YOU NOT CHALLENGIN' ME.

NO, 'CAUSE WE BOTH KNOW THAT IF JACKIE WANTED

SOME OLD WORN-OUT LEATHER LUGGAGE WITH TEETH...

HE HAD A WHOLE WEEK.

OKAY, FINE. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

JUST WAIT UNTIL THE END OF THE NIGHT

AND WE'LL SEE WHO HAS JACKIE'S NOSE WIDE OPEN.

FOR WHAT, FRESH AIR?

OH, GIRL, IT'S SHOWTIME.

LET'S GET BUSY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRO SHATS AND HONEY DIPS,

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT AT DUKIE'S COMEDY CLUB

AND YOU'RE IN THE HOUSE.

AND REMEMBER OUR POLICY AT DUKIE'S--

NO CAMERAS, TAPE RECORDERS, SHOWER CAPS, OR GUNS.

SO WITH NO FURTHER ADO,

LET'S GET YOUR HANDS TOGETHER ONE TIME

AND WELCOME DUKIE'S OWN COMEDY M.C. AND STAR,

MY MAN, MR. JACKIE BRONSON.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

YEAH!

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

ALL RIGHT!

ALL RIGHT, GOOD-LOOKIN' CROWD THIS EVENIN'.

BABY, BABY, BABY, YOU ARE THE MAN.

I SAID, WORK IT, HONEY.

IT LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A COUPLE OF WILD ONES HERE THIS EVENIN'.

HOW YA DOIN', LADIES?

Woman: COME ON, BABY!

I'M HERE FOR YOU, BABY, AND YOU FOR ME.

Woman #2: UNH-UNH, HONEY. THIS IS THE PUSSY PATROL!

COME OUT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN

AND YOUR DICK UP!

TIME OUT, TIME OUT.

LADIES, WE'RE GONNA SLOW THIS THING DOWN

TO A PACE THAT I CAN HANDLE.

Man: AH, AND SOME CUTE ONES, TOO.

Woman #2: OHH.

LET'S KEEP THINGS ROLLIN' HERE THIS EVENING.

WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO

IS BRING ANOTHER UPCOMING COMIC TO THE STAGE.

HE'S A REAL GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S ONLY BEEN WORKING AT DUKIE'S A LITTLE OVER A MONTH.

LET'S PUT OUR HANDS TOGETHER

AND WELCOME TO THE STAGE AT THIS TIME MR. TERRY LUMBAR!

TERRY LUMBAR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

COME ON, GIVE IT UP FOR HIM.

WHASSUP, Y'ALL? WHASSUP?

YO, Y'ALL, THEY SAY, YOU KNOW, THAT I TALK A LOT ABOUT SEX.

I'M A 21-YEAR-OLD BLACK MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK ELSE AM I GONNA TALK ABOUT

I DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ARCHERY.

Man: DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT COMEDY, EITHER!

WHAT ABOUT SOME JOKES? I GOT SOME JOKES.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

AIN'T THAT A BITCH. AIN'T THAT A BITCH.

I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT. I TOLD RUBY LIN.

THAT LITTLE SKINNY UNFUNNY MOTHERFUCKER WASN'T SHIT.

HE AIN'T MAKE NOBODY LAUGH. AIN'T THAT A BITCH.

CAN'T EVEN MAKE A LAUGHIN' HYENA LAUGH.

WOMEN SAY WE AIN'T DO ENOUGH FOREPLAY.

I DON'T MIND DOIN' FOREPLAY,

BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANNA GET IN AND GET OUT.

HA HA HA! YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT?

LIKE, ONE TIME, A WOMAN GET MAD AT ME AND SHIT.

SHE LIVES A HOUR AWAY.

I CALLED HER. I SAID, "I'M MISSIN' YOU, GIRL."

SHE SAID, "WELL, COME ON AND GET IT."

SO I JUMPED IN MY CAR, DROVE A HOUR TO SEE THIS WOMAN.

FALLIN' ASLEEP BEHIND THE WHEEL, BUT PUSSY WAS KEEPIN' ME UP.

I SAID, "IF I'M GONNA DIE, LET ME GET THIS SHIT FIRST."

I GET OVER TO THE MOTHERFUCKER, SAID, "LET'S DO THIS, GIRL."

SHE GOT MAD. "HOLD UP. DAMN, WHAT ABOUT THE FOREPLAY?"

THAT SHIT MADE ME MAD.

"YOU COULD HAVE HAD THAT SHIT WHEN I WAS ON THE FREEWAY."

YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE AND THEN DO FOREPLAY?

HELL, NO. I LOVE THE WAY WOMEN GIVE FOREPLAY.

Y'ALL GIVE IT THE BEST. MOST OF YA, ANYWAY.

I HATE THAT AMATEUR, DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK SHE DOIN'.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, KISSIN' AND PECKIN' AND SHIT.

GET HERE AND KISS AROUND THE MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU SITTIN' THERE, "COME ON, GIRL!

YOU COULD DO THAT SHIT."

SHE TALKIN' ABOUT, "I GOT A TOOTHACHE."

"I'LL KNOCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER OUT."

BAM. "I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW."

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

I LOVE THE WAY WOMEN GIVE FOREPLAY

'CAUSE Y'ALL ARE THE BEST AT IT,

BUT, GUYS, IF YOU GONNA DO FOREPLAY, LISTEN.

WE GOTTA HELP THESE WOMEN OUT. WE GOTTA LICK OUR LIPS.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE THEM HARD-ASS, CRUSTY, FUCKED-UP LIPS

KISSIN' ON HER BODY.

Woman: YEAH, BABY! THAT'S RIGHT, BABY!

TALKIN' ABOUT...

"OUCH, YOU MOTHERFUCKER! YOU CUT ME!

YOU CUT ME UP."

BUT SOME WOMEN, YOU GOTTA GO TO WORK.

TALKIN' ABOUT... THAT AIN'T GONNA GET IT.

...THAT AIN'T GON' GET IT. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TO DO.

RIGHT, BRAH? YOU GOT TO GO... * DOWN, DOWN, DOWN, DOWN *

RIGHT? LOOK AT THE LADIES. THEY LOVE IT.

GO ON. HAVE A GOOD LOOK.

YOU GOTTA GO DOWN, MAN.

I DON'T MIND DOIN' IT. I LIKE THAT SHIT, Y'ALL.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SO GOOD.

I'M MAD I JUST STARTED YESTERDAY.

BUT I TELL YA, IF YOU DO IT, THOUGH, THEY GO OFF, MAN.

IF YOU DO IT RIGHT, THEY BE, "AAH! AAH! AAH!"

THAT MAKE YOU GO OFF. YOU BE LIKE...

RIGHT? AND IF YOU DO IT REAL GOOD,

THEY GRAB YOUR HEAD AND LOOK AT YOU.

"OH, SHIT! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?"

I GOTTA GO NOW. Y'ALL BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOD BLESS YOU.

THAT'S MY BOY.

ALL RIGHT. YAY, TERRY.

Man: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Jackie: GIVE IT UP FOR THE BROTHER--

TERRY LUMBAR!

BOOM. RIDE ON THAT.

THANK YOU. LADIES, LADIES.

YOU LIKED THAT, HUH?

I WANNA TALK TO YOU A LITTLE LATER ON.

WHAT'S UP, BOY? YEAH.

DID YOU, UH...

I SAW THE SET.

HEY, MAN, IT WAS A GOOD SET, MY BROTHER.

NO, IT WAS A GREAT SET. YOU GETTIN' A LOT STRONGER.

RIGHT THERE, E.T.

OH, MAN, ROACH.

WHAT'D YOU THINK, MAN? I KNOW YOU SAW THE SET.

YOU WAS ALL RIGHT, RIGHT?

BUT THE SOUND SYSTEM WAS KINDA MESSED UP.

I HEARD A LOT OF STATIC, RIGHT?

'CAUSE DUKIE BE BUYING CHEAP EQUIPMENT FROM THE WHITE MAN.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

OH! YOU BUYIN'.

HI, Y'ALL. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOIN'?

I'M FINE, BUT ROACH WAS SAYIN' SOMETHIN'

ABOUT THE SOUND SYSTEM.

UH, ONLY THAT IT'S FABULOUS

AND THAT WE LOVE PERFORMIN' AND IT'S CHEAP.

AND WE LOVE HAVIN' YA, TOO, ROACH.

TERRY. TERRY, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE.

Y'ALL EXCUSE US. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

COME ON. RIGHT OVER HERE.

I CAN'T WAIT.

Y'ALL GON' HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY DOORWAY NOW.

MOVE. LET'S MOVE. AHH. HA HA.

OH, TERRY, YOU WERE FABULOUS TONIGHT, BABY.

THANK YOU, RUBE. I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT.

I DID.

THAT CALL WITH DUKIE WAS A LITTLE TOO CLOSE.

I KEEP TELLIN' YOU,

DUKIE DON'T CARE NOTHIN' ABOUT ME.

AND I KEEP TELLIN' YOU...

WHAT

I DO.

OHH. LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

YOU TALK TO HIM ABOUT GETTIN' ME MORE SPOTS YET?

WILL I BE SEEIN' A LITTLE BIT MORE OF YOU?

SPOTS? AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

HA HA. IN THAT CASE,

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THOSE SPOTS RIGHT NOW.

THANK YOU, BABY.

DON'T GO TOO FAR NOW. HA HA HA HA.

HA HA HA HA.

AH HA HA HA.

WHOA.

HA HA HA HA.

...BABY.

* MM *

* WELL, WELL, WELL *

* OOH *

HI.

HI.

OH, PINCH ME SO I REALLY KNOW IT'S YOU.

WELL, I'M HERE,

AND IT'S WAY PAST MY BEDTIME.

AH. YEAH.

EXPLAIN THAT.

HOW CAN YOU EXPLAIN FEELINGS?

DOES IT FEEL GOOD?

YEAH. YEAH.

IT FEELS REAL GOOD TO ME, TOO.

JACKIE...

UH, YOU, UH, YOU'RE TALKIN' TO ME

MM-HMM, YES, I AM.

I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOVE YOUR WORK

AND EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

EVERYTHING?

Everything.

UM, LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO MY DATE.

THIS IS KIMMIE AND, UH...

MAYBE I SHOULD LEAVE THE TWO OF YOU ALONE.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW THIS WOMAN.

I WANNA BE A COMIC.

LOOK, UH, SEE, I'M HERE WITH MY DATE, ALL RIGHT?

AND I HAVE A SHOW TO DO TONIGHT.

AND IF YOU WANT WORK, YOU SHOULD TALK TO THE OWNER.

WELL, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU WANT IT,

BUT I'M VERY, VERY PERSISTENT.

IF YOU WANT THIS CHERRY...

COME AND GET IT.

YEAH!

DOES THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN ALL THE TIME?

NO. NO, NO, NO, NOT AT ALL.

NO, NEVER. SEE, LOOK, I HATE CHERRIES.

I'LL BET.

NO, NO, KIMMIE, SERIOUSLY.

THIS NEVER HAPPENS.

Woman: HA HA HA HA.

OOH.

HEY, NEVER.

Woman: ARRIVING IN HOLLYWOOD.

ALL OFF FOR HOLLYWOOD.

SO, HERE WE ARE IN L.A. YOU GETTIN' OFF HERE?

YEAH, YEAH. THIS IS ME.

HA HA.

* OH, YEAH, ON THE WEST COAST *

* YO, ROB, TELL 'EM WHERE YOU'RE LIVIN' *

* L.A., CITY OF ANGELS, THAT'S WHERE I DWELL *

* WHEN I'M ON THE MIKE, I DO RIGHT WELL *

* ANYWAY, WHAT MORE CAN I SAY TODAY? *

HANDS OFF.

YOU WANNA GET HURT!

I'M GONNA GET YOU LATER.

...SLEEP SOMETIME. COME ON.

* SO I'M TAKIN' OUT M.C.'s ONE BY ONE, ALPHABETICAL *

* TILL IT SEEMS TO BE QUITE PATHETIC *

* BUT IN THAT TIME, IF THEY STILL SURVIVE *

* THEN I HOPE THEY'RE COVERED BY HEALTH OR MEDICAL *

* SEE, IT'S QUITE UNETHICAL *

* TO BUY RHYMES FROM ANOTHER... *

HA HA. HA HA HA HA.

OOH. "555-5948."

HELLO.

Man: UH, HELLO.

HELLO. CAN YOU SPEAK UP? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

UH, YEAH. CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR A SECOND?

TOO SLICK FOR HOLLYWOOD.

OH, BOY, CAR PHONES CAN BE SUCH A HEADACHE, CAN'T THEY?

LISTEN, I'M DRIVIN' PAST THE BUS STATION IN HOLLYWOOD.

I WAS WONDERIN' IF YOU COULD GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO THE CLUB,

'CAUSE I'M SUPPOSED TO AUDITION TONIGHT.

YES.

AHH.

MM, YES. THEY'LL MELT FOR THIS.

LET ME CALL MY LADY.

HELLO. DUKIE'S NO FUNNY-ASS COMEDY CLUB.

Bigg: IS MY WOMAN THERE?

YOUR WHO?

DON'T PLAY WITH ME. YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS.

PUT HER ON.

I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.

THERE'S 400 PEOPLE DOWN HERE. 350 OF THEM IS UGLY.

IS SHE UGLY?

I DON'T PLAY THAT. PUT MY WOMAN ON THE PHONE RIGHT NOW.

THIS IS SOME PRANK-ASS CALL.

WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

YOU KNOW BLACK PEOPLE HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.

WHY YOU WANNA DO THAT-- PISS ME OFF?

AAH!

I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

AND PLEASE WELCOME ALL THE WAY FROM OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA--

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ANTONIO! ANTONIO!

Woman: ANTONIO!

OH! COME ON!

YES.

HOW YOU DOIN'?!

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. WILD WOMEN SITTIN' OVER THERE.

ALWAYS GET THEM WILD WOMEN IN THE CLUB.

THEM THE KINDA WOMEN YOU TAKE TO A REALLY NICE RESTAURANT,

AND THEY WALK IN LIKE THIS.

"THEY GOT NACHOS IN HERE? I WANT SOME NACHOS."

IT'S GOOD TO SEE SOME NICE SMILES ON WOMEN, THOUGH.

I WENT OUT TO A CLUB LAST NIGHT, ASKED THIS WOMAN TO DANCE.

I SAID, "EXCUSE ME, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?"

SHE SAID, "NO! NO, STUPID.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR SOMEBODY TO SWEEP ME OFF MY FEET. CAN YOU?"

YEAH, BITCH.

I SAID, "D.J., YOU WANNA PLAY GET ON UP FOR HER, PLEASE?

AFTER THAT, PLAY I GOT A NEW ATTITUDE."

ARE MY EYES ALL RED? I CAN'T GET NO SLEEP.

MY ROOMMATE, EVERY TIME HE MAKE LOVE TO HIS GIRLFRIEND,

I SWEAR SHE SOUND JUST LIKE AN AMBULANCE.

SHE'S LIKE, "OH! OH! OH! OH..."

SHIT, I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW, CARS HAD PULLED OVER.

"I HEAR IT. I JUST DON'T SEE IT."

YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST THING WHEN YOU MAKIN' LOVE IS?

"I'M ALMOST THERE."

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS THAT, IT'S LIKE, "OH, SHIT."

THAT MEANS YOU KNOW YOU GOT TWO MORE HOURS TO GO.

"THAT'S IT. I'M ALMOST THERE. KEEP GOIN', FASTER.

"COME ON, THAT'S IT. I'M ALMOST THERE.

"THAT'S IT--FASTER. GO, GO, BABY. HERE IT IS.

I'M ALMOST--THIS IS IT. HERE IT IS--NO, THAT'S NOT IT."

"SHIT! WHERE IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GOIN'? SHIT.

"I'M GOIN' TO THE KITCHEN AND GET ME SOME GATORADE.

AIN'T GONNA KILL MY ASS."

YOU WAITIN' FOR THAT OXYGEN MASK TO DROP DOWN.

WOMEN COMPLAIN, ALWAYS COMPLAIN

THAT MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER THEY MAKE LOVE.

DON'T YOU, LADIES, COMPLAIN THAT?

THAT'S A COMPLIMENT TO YOU WHEN MEN FALL ASLEEP AFTER.

THINK ABOUT IT--IF YOU MADE LOVE TO YOUR MAN,

HE WENT OUT AND WASHED HIS TRUCK, SOMETHIN' WRONG.

"GO OUT AND WASH THE TRUCK NOW, BABY. THANK YOU."

I SAID IT ONCE, CALLED MY EX-GIRLFRIEND A BITCH.

I DIDN'T SAY IT TO HER FACE. I WASN'T THAT MAN ENOUGH.

I MUMBLED IT. SHE PICKED IT UP WITH THAT WOMAN HEARIN'.

I WAS IN THE BASEMENT, SAID, "SHUT UP, BITCH."

( imitates electronic beeping )

SHE TURNED INTO THE EXORCIST. IT WAS LIKE...

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU CALL ME, MOTHERFUCKER?"

THANK YOU, GUYS.

ALL RIGHT, PICK UP THESE WINGS.

HERE YOU GO, DARLING.

MMM, THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW SOMETHIN'? I JUST HAD A REVELATION.

WHAT ABOUT IF PEOPLE ATE PEOPLE LIKE WE EAT ANIMALS?

I THINK THAT'D BE TERRIBLE.

YEAH.

ANIMALS LOVE THEY CHILDREN LIKE WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN.

I THINK THEY LOVE 'EM A LITTLE MORE

'CAUSE THEY NOT ON WELFARE.

I THINK THAT'D BE A BITCH IF WE GO INTO A NIGHTCLUB

AND YOU'D ASK THE WAITER-- SAY, "PARDON ME, WAITER,

"CAN I HAVE SOME TITTY AND RICE,

A LITTLE EXTRA ORDER OF TITTY?"

OR YOU GO TO A BUFFET--

BE A BIG NIGGER LAYIN' ON THE TABLE

WITH POTATOES AND GRAINS ALL AROUND HIS ASS.

I'D PROBABLY BE A VEGETARIAN.

YOU AND ME BOTH.

YEAH, BUT IT WOULD BE BAD, THOUGH,

WHEN THEY WENT TO THE SUPERMARKET.

"PARDON ME, BUTCHER,

"CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE PUSSIES OVER THERE IN THE CORNER?

"YES, THIS ONE RIGHT HERE. YEAH. NO, DON'T WRAP IT UP.

I'LL EAT IT HERE."

RUDY.

YOU WANNA STEP IT UP ON THEM ORDERS?

YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE GET ABOUT THEIR FOOD.

THERE YOU GO.

LISTEN, I'M PEOPLE.

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM

RUDY RAE, IF YOU WASN'T MY MAMA'S SECOND COUSIN,

YOU'D BE OUTTA HERE.

YOU OUGHT TO BE GLAD YOU GOT A JOB.

NO, I WAS MAKIN' MORE MONEY WHEN I WAS ROBBIN' AND STEALIN'

AND PLUS THE HOURS WAS SHORTER.

I NEVER DID LIKE YOUR MAMA AND ALL YOUR DOG-ASS COUSINS.

I DON'T EVEN THINK I'M NO KIN TO Y'ALL.

I DON'T LOOK LIKE Y'ALL.

YOU GOT ME IN THIS OLD RAGGEDY-ASS KITCHEN...

WHY ME MAMA, WHY ME?

...I DONE FUCKED UP MY LAST PAIR OF SHOES.

SHIT ALL AROUND. Y'ALL WON'T CLEAN UP A GODDAMNED THING.

LIKE YOU GOT SHOES. YOU AIN'T GOT BUT ONE PAIR--

THEM RAGGEDY GOODWILLS YOU GOT ON YOUR FEET.

Aretha: THE FOOD SURE IS BETTER

SINCE RUDY RAE GOT HERE.

I BETTER GET A RAISE, TOO, 'CAUSE THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

IF I DON'T, I'M GONNA RAISE MY ASS ON OUTTA HERE, TOO.

OOH, I TAKE PRIDE IN MY KITCHEN,

AND THE RULE IS STRAY CATS CAN'T EAT IN HERE.

YOU BETTER ASK DUKIE WHO I AM.

YOU 'BOUT TO WORK ON MY NERVES.

I'M SICK OF DUKIE MAKIN' EXCEPTIONS FOR YOU.

DUKIE AIN'T GOT TO MAKE NO EXCEPTIONS FOR ME.

HE KNOWS THAT.

HE'S THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE.

WHAT YOU TALKIN' ABOUT NOW?

I'M HERE BECAUSE OF WHAT I DO FOR DUKIE

AND WHAT DUKIE DOES FOR ME.

WHAT WE DO TO AND FOR EACH OTHER, WE DO REAL GOOD.

AH HA HA HA HA! YOU KNOW WHAT?

I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WAS FUNNY TILL JUST NOW.

HA HA HA HA. BUT LET ME TELL YOU ONE DAMN THING.

THERE AIN'T BUT ONE WOMAN IN THIS WORLD

WHO MEAN A DAMN THING TO DUKIE--ONE WOMAN.

YOU GOT THAT?

THE ONE WOMAN--THE WOMAN WHO MAKES THE MONEY

AND THE HEIFER WHO SPENDS IT.

YOU GONNA MAKE ME HURT YOU.

GET THE HELL OUT MY KITCHEN RIGHT NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU WADDLE OUT AND LOOK IN THAT BOX?

IF MY PICTURE IS STILL THERE AND YOURS NOT,

I WILL EAT ANYWHERE I WANT TO.

I WILL EAT ON THE STAGE IF I FEEL LIKE IT.

GET OUT OF MY FACE WHILE I'M TRYIN' TO FINISH MY CHICKEN.

YOU DIDN'T SAY THAT. I DID.

MM-MMM. MM-HMM.

YOU AIN'T HEARD THE LAST WORD ON THIS, YOU VAUDEVILLE WITCH!

YOU PREHISTORIC HO.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS. I OWN THIS PLACE.

YOU OWN AN ATTITUDE.

YOU ALMOST MADE ME SWEAT. WHERE'S DUKIE?

YOU NEEDS TO SWEAT. GO GET DUKIE.

WHERE'S DUKIE? WHERE IS DUKIE?

THAT IS THE PROBLEM WITH THESE UGLY PEOPLE ROUND HERE.

THEY CAUSIN' ALL THE PROBLEMS. THEY MAD 'CAUSE THEY UGLY.

IT OUGHTA BE A LAW AGAINST TWO UGLY PEOPLE FUCKIN'

'CAUSE THEY'LL BRING ANOTHER UGLY PERSON IN THE WORLD.

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, FOLLOW A UGLY PERSON HOME.

SOMEBODY UGLY GONNA OPEN THE DOOR

OR EITHER WON'T NOBODY OPEN THE DOOR

BECAUSE DON'T NOBODY WANNA LIVE WITH A UGLY MOTHERFUCKER.

RUDY.

YES, YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME MONEY

AND YOU GONNA GIVE ME MORE TIME. HA HA.

WHO IS IT?

Terry: TERRY.

COME IN.

HEY, UH--OH!

TERRY, COME HERE.

LOOK, LOOK,

I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN', MR. SINCLAIR, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST CAME IN HERE TO GET THE MONEY FOR MY PHONE.

SURE I DON'T HAVE NO REASON TO SHOOT YOUR LITTLE BLACK ASS?

LISTEN, MAN, I DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'.

OHH...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHAT'S WITH THE GUN, ANYWAY?

IT'S MY JUDGE AND MY JURY.

SOMEBODY MIGHT TRY TO ROB ME.

SOMEBODY MIGHT TRY TO BREAK IN MY HOUSE.

I JUST MIGHT HAVE TO SHOOT SOMEBODY

FOR TRYIN' TO STEAL MY WIFE AGAINST HER WILL.

OHH!

OH, DAMN.

WHY, MAN, WHY?

MAN, I AIN'T DEAD.

I'M JUST CLEANIN' THE MOTHERFUCKER, BOY!

OH, LORD! SOMEBODY GET ME THE NUMBER FOR 9-1-1!

RUBY LIN, SHUT UP.

EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT IN HERE.

YEAH, MRS. SINCLAIR, EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT.

EVERYTHING-- THAT'S MY BOY.

EVERYTHING IS ALL RIGHT, OKAY?

OKAY. YOU DIDN'T TRY TO KILL HIM?

TERRY'S ALL RIGHT WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ASK HIM FOR SOME MORE SPOTS.

UM, MR. SINCLAIR, YOU THINK I COULD GET SOME MORE SPOTS?

RUBY LIN MENTIONED THAT.

YEAH, YOU CAN HAVE MORE SPOTS. YOU WERE FUNNY TONIGHT.

THANK YOU.

FRANKLY, I HAVEN'T SEEN MY WIFE

THIS EXCITED ABOUT ANYBODY IN A LONG TIME.

REALLY? WOW.

MM-HMM. LONG, LONG, LONG TIME.

SHIT HAD ME THINKIN' FOR A WHILE.

UM, UM, THANK YOU FOR THE SPOTS.

I AIN'T GONNA LIE. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

MR. SINCLAIR, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER

ABOUT THE PHONE MONEY, REMEMBER?

YO, BANG! GOTCHA.

TERRY, BEFORE YOU LEAVE,

I WANT YOU TO CHECK WITH ME.

I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU SOME NOTES ON YOUR ROUTINE.

I'M GONNA WATCH SOME MORE COMICS.

I'LL BE IN THE CLUB.

OKAY. BANG!

MY MAN, YO, LET'S DO SOME DRINK...

BYE, NOW.

HA HA HA HA.

AHEM. AH HA HA HA!

OHH.

PHEW.

GOT THOSE SPOTS.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON WITH YOU AND THAT LITTLE YOUNG BOY?

BE REAL FOR A MINUTE. I AM--

REAL INTERESTED IN FINDIN' OUT WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON!

AH HA HA! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON IS I'M SICK AND TIRED

OF THAT SILLY SLUT WITH HER NAME

ON THE OUTSIDE OF OUR BUILDIN'

DISRESPECTIN' ME-- THAT'S WHAT'S GOIN' ON.

WHAT THE HELL YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

I'M TALKIN' ABOUT ARETHA.

CUSS HER ASS OUT, LET HER KNOW WHO I AM AROUND HERE

BEFORE I HAVE TO PUT A FIX ON BOTH OF Y'ALL.

BABY, IT AIN'T THAT EASY.

SHE'S OUR CASH DRAW.

YOU OUGHTA NEVER LET ANOTHER WOMAN

GET CONTROL OVER YOUR MIND, UNLESS--

UNLESS--

UH-OH! UH-OH! DUKIE, ARE YOU BOINKIN' ARETHA?!

NO! IT'S STRICTLY BUSINESS!

WELL, THEN-- THEN I--

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, RUBY LIN,

I'LL GO TELL ARETHA AND TALK TO HER, ALL RIGHT?

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU SEE IT MY WAY.

I DON'T SEE IT YOUR WAY.

DAMN DUKIE.

ARETHA DON'T HAVE NO CLASS.

ARETHA, CAN I TALK TO YOU A MINUTE?

THAT'S MY MR. BOSS MAN.

ARETHA, I HATE TO BRING THIS UP--

UH-OH. I NEVER SAW THIS FACE BEFORE.

IT'S RUBY LIN.

YOU GOT TO BE MARRIED TO HER,

BUT YOU TELL THAT INGROWN TOENAIL OF YOURS

TO STAY AWAY FROM ME.

HOW CAN I? RUBY LIN OWN HALF OF EVERYTHING I OWN,

INCLUDIN' THIS CLUB.

OLD THUNDERBUNS DOES NOT OWN HALF OF ME.

I AM HERE FOR YOU AND YOU ONLY.

FOR ME? ONLY ME?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?

JUST WHAT I SAID.

WE MET TWO YEARS AGO. IT WAS LIKE MAGIC.

I KNEW WE WERE GONNA BE TOGETHER A LONG, LONG TIME.

YOU DID. LONG TIME? I MEAN, LONG, LONG TIME?

HOW DID YOU KNOW, BABY?

I KNOW IT'S BEEN HARD.

IT STILL IS.

BUT IT'S BEEN SWEET.

YOU BEEN REAL GOOD TO ME UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES.

I'VE BEEN AS GOOD AS I COULD.

I MEAN, WE NOT MARRIED, BUT WE'RE PARTNERS.

LIKE, YOU AND RUBY LIN ARE TIED, TIED, TIED TOGETHER,

BUT ME AND YOU, WE LIKE, TIED.

WELL, KINDA TIED.

YOU'RE TRYIN' TO MESS WITH MY HEAD.

LOOK, YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE PARTNER

IF ONE PARTNER DOES A THING BETTER

THAN ANOTHER PARTNER DOES A THING.

OH, YEAH, I UNDERSTAND THAT. I DIG THAT, UH-HUH.

DUKIE, YOU'VE ALWAYS KNOWN WHAT I LIKE--A MAN,

A REAL STRONG MAN.

HELLO. HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT ME NOW, BABY.

YOU JUST THINK ABOUT ME AND YOU AND OUR BANK ACCOUNTS.

WE ARE GOING TO GROW RICH AND OLD TOGETHER.

YES, WE ARE.

RUBY LIN WILL SURVIVE.

YOU PUT HER OUT OF YOUR MIND

AND CONCENTRATE ON OUR SUCCESS.

DUKIE, YOU ARE THE MAN, THE MAIN MAN.

YOU GOT THAT? THE MAN.

YES, I'M THE MAN. I'M THE MAN.

I FEEL IT, I FEEL IT.

ALL THROUGH MY BONES, I'M THE MAN.

YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT BEIN' FUNNY THING,

AND I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE REST.

I'M THE MAN.

I FEEL LIKE A BLACK JOHN WAYNE.

GO GET 'EM, COWBOY! I MEAN, COWMAN.

"COWMAN"?

...YOU MEAN YOU DON'T WANT ME NO MORE?

I'M OUT HERE CHEATIN' ON MY HUSBAND

AND NOW YOU GONNA TALK SOME AMNESIA SHIT?

OH, NO, UNH-UNH. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

RU, RU, RUBE, RUBE!

DON'T MAKE ME GET PHYSICAL ON YOU. HUH?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, BABY.

BUT YOU GON' LIVE UP TO YOUR END OF THIS BARGAIN,

MR. LOVE MACHINE.

LOVE? AH HA HA!

WHO THE FUCK SAID ANYTHING ABOUT LOVE?

NAH, NAH. IT WAS BUSINESS.

LET'S SEE NOW, HE SHOT JAMES

'CAUSE HE SAID I SAW HIM THREE TIMES A WEEK...

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHO'S JAMES?

MY LATE HAIRDRESSER.

AH! GOTCHA.

GIRL, YOU KNOW I WAS JUST PLAYIN' WITH YOU.

OH, YOU WAS JUST PLAYIN'.

YEAH. HA HA. YEAH, BUT, YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES IT JUST GETS A LITTLE NOISY IN THERE.

I DON'T MIND THE NOISE. IT'S THOSE TWO WOMEN.

OH, KIMMIE, COME ON NOW, FORGET ABOUT THEM.

HEY, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW 'EM, I DON'T LIKE 'EM,

AND I HOPE THEY NEVER SHOW UP AGAIN, HMM?

HEY, NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?

HMM

DON'T YOU HAVE TO GET BACK INSIDE FOR THE SHOW?

UM, NO, NO, NOT FOR ANOTHER TEN MINUTES.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE, UH, SIT IN THE CAR, OKAY?

OKAY. ALL RIGHT?

OKAY.

YEAH, WE CAN SIT IN THE CAR AND, UH...

MAYBE WE CAN LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC

AND LOOK AT THE STARS,

OR... OR WHAT?

UM...YEAH.

WE CAN, UM...

OR MAYBE I CAN JUST INHALE

SOME MORE OF THAT KILLER PERFUME OF YOURS, HUH?

MM.

GET OUT.

AHH.

AH. MM.

MM.

YES!

YOU ARE SO SILLY.

OH, COME ON.

YOU CALL IT SILLY, CALL IT ANYTHING YOU LIKE,

BUT IT'S YOU.

* GIRL, JUST *

* TURN ME ON *

* HEE *

* GIRL, I JUST CAN'T WAIT *

HERE, HERE. GIVE ME SOME OF THAT, BABY.

WHAT THE FUCK?

COME ON, BABY! GIVE ME SOME LOVE.

HE DON'T WANT SOME TIRED LITTLE BO PEEP.

HE'S COMIN' TO GET BUSY WITH ME NOW.

OPEN THE DOOR, JACKIE!

BABY, OPEN THE DOOR! GET OUT OF THIS CAR.

LET'S GET BUSY, BABY.

YOU GET BUSY SOMEPLACE.

HEY! HEY!

I LIKE IT ROUGH. BEAT ME, BABY.

JACKIE? IT'S ALL RIGHT, OKAY?

NO, DON'T--

DON'T LOOK AT HER.

JACKIE, JACKIE! COME ON NOW.

LOOK, BABY!

HURRY IT UP. YOU'RE MISSIN' IT.

"WHASSUP" THAT'S HOW YOU GOTTA TALK TO BROTHERS NOW.

ALL THAT HAND ACTION. "WHAT'S HAPPENIN', MAN?"

"WE WENT TO MY CRIB, RIGHT? THEN WE CAME BACK, YOU KNOW?

"THEN SHE CAME TO ME, RIGHT? SHE WAS DRINKIN'.

SHE WAS DRUNK, RIGHT?"

"COME ON, WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT, MAN?

"I WENT TO MY CRIB, BACK TO YOUR CRIB, BACK TO MY CRIB.

WE WENT TO EACH OTHER'S CRIBS, YOU KNOW?"

BROTHERS TALK LIKE THEY BRINGIN' IN PLANES.

AFTER A HARD DAY OF BEIN' BLACK, I'M POOPED.

"BABY, LET'S JUST BE LITHUANIAN TONIGHT,

'CAUSE, UH, MY ARMS ARE SORE."

YEAH, THIS IS A NICE CLUB. GOT IT FIXED UP REAL NICE.

USED TO BE A CHITLIN FACTORY.

UH, YOU KNOW, I LIKE A CLUB WITH MIRRORS.

THAT'S WHY THEY SHOULD HAVE MIRRORS IN A CLUB.

THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE MIRRORS-- I DON'T GET THIS.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE MIRRORS IN THEIR BEDROOMS

SO THEY CAN WATCH THEMSELVES HAVIN' SEX.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

ARE YOU SO VAIN THAT YOU GOT TO CHECK YOURSELF OUT

WHILE YOU'RE LIKE...

"HEY!"

"I'M PRETTY GOOD."

Man: WHOO-HOO!

MAN, SO...GLAD TO BE HERE AT DUKIE'S.

I DON'T KNOW WHY A GROWN MAN WOULD NAME HIMSELF DUKIE.

YOU KNOW, I GUESS SOMEBODY TOLD HIM,

"HEY, MAN, YOU FULL OF SHIT. YES, YOU ARE."

"FULL OF SHIT. JUST CALL ME DUKIE.

THIS IS MY WIFE TURD WIENER."

Audience: OOH!

Woman: THAT'S COLD!

YEAH, I LIKE THE FACT THEY GOT A BLACK CLUB,

BLACK FOLKS TRYIN' TO GET IT GOIN' ON WITH EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S A GOOD THING, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEE TOO MANY POSITIVE IMAGES OF BLACK PEOPLE,

ESPECIALLY ON TV.

ONLY TIME YOU SEE BLACK FOLKS ON TV

IS, LIKE, ON THE 10:00 NEWS

WALKIN' LIKE THIS TO THE SQUAD CAR.

THE THING I HATE

IS THAT THEN THE NEWS TRUCK WILL COME TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME

TO INTERVIEW PEOPLE TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?

AND IT'LL BE LIKE PLENTY OF WELL-DRESSED,

WELL-SPOKEN BLACK FOLK STANDIN' AROUND, YOU KNOW,

WAITIN' TO TELL THE STORY.

THEY ALWAYS GO RIGHT PAST THEM,

STRAIGHT TO THE BROTHER WITH THE PINK ROLLERS IN HIS HAIR...

"YEAH, I SAW THE WHOLE THING, RIGHT?

"HAPPENED RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CRIB, YOU KNOW?

"WELL, I WAS IN BED WHEN IT HAPPENED, WITH MY WOMAN.

"WE WAS GETTIN' WITH IT, RIGHT?

"SO I WAS IN BED WITH MY WOMAN, WE WAS GETTIN' WITH IT,

"I'M ON TOP, AND SHE START SAYIN',

"'I SMELL SMOKE! I SMELL SMOKE!'

"AND I START LAUGHIN', START SAYIN',

'OH, BABY, I AIN'T GOIN' THAT FAST.'"

Audience: WHOO! WHOO!

DOES HE HAVE ANOTHER WOMAN?

NO!

TWO.

TWO?

HONEY, DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME.

NO MAN'S WORTH THAT MUCH TROUBLE.

HE DOESN'T REALLY KNOW THEM.

DOES HE CARE ABOUT YOU?

HE SAYS HE DOES.

WELL, NOW, IF HE CARES ABOUT YOU

AND YOU CARE ABOUT HIM,

AND HE DOESN'T KNOW THEM,

GIRL, YOU BETTER GET READY TO COMPETE.

COMPETE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL SISTER.

PUT IT TO GOOD USE FOR YOURSELF.

HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU.

HERE, THIS DRESS. START WITH THIS.

OOH, THIS'LL NEVER DO.

OH, MAN, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

SON, LET YOUR HEART LEAD THE WAY.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN', HONEY.

YOUR DICK NEED DAILY EXERCISE AND NIGHTLY, TOO.

A STIFF DICK AIN'T GOT NO CONSCIENCE.

YOUR DICK GOT A MIND OF ITS OWN.

OOH, WRONG DOOR.

SO, DUKIE'S. I LOVE THIS CLUB. THIS IS A NICE CLUB.

IT'S NOT--THE BEST AUDIENCE IN THE WORLD, THOUGH,

IS THE APOLLO THEATER IN HARLEM.

Man: YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

IF YOU DON'T GET BOOED OFF.

YOU GET BOOED OFF, YOU'D BE LIKE,

"THEY AIN'T SHIT. THE APOLLO AIN'T SHIT, MAN.

"NO, NO, WAIT, YOU THINK I'M MAD 'CAUSE THEY BOOED ME OFF?

"YOU THINK THAT BOTHER-- WAIT. NO, NO.

"LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'.

"I WAS DOIN' COMEDY LONG BEFORE THE APOLLO, OKAY?

"AND I'LL BE DOIN' COMEDY

LONG AFTER THE APOLLO MYSTERIOUSLY BURNS DOWN."

Man: WHOO! ALL RIGHT.

BUT I SEE A LOT OF BEAUTIFUL BLACK AFRICAN SISTERS

IN THE AUDIENCE.

Woman: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU STARTED MOVIN' WHEN I SAID THAT, HUH?

I SWEAR, I WANT A BLACK WOMAN,

A BEAUTIFUL BLACK AFRICAN PRINCESS

WITH SOMETHIN' GOIN' ON IN HER HEAD, IN HER MIND.

PLUS, A BIG-ASS BOOTY.

NOT THAT BIG, BUT, YOU KNOW.

CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET TO DUKIE'S COMEDY CLUB?

DUKIE'S? DUKIE'S.

YES, IT'S ABOUT TWO MILES FROM HERE.

I WOULDN'T TRY TO WALK THERE IF I WAS YOU.

IT'S BY NEWBIE'S, NEWBIE'S PLACE.

THEY HAVE CHICKEN THERE, VERY GOOD CHICKEN.

YOU GO OUT THE DRIVEWAY, YOU TAKE YOUR SECOND RIGHT,

AND THEN YOU COME TO A SHOPPIN' CENTER.

IT'S ABOUT TWO MILES FROM HERE.

I WOULDN'T TRY TO WALK IT IF I WAS YOU

IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD IN THAT OUTFIT.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

THEN YOU COME TO A RECREATION CENTER

AND THEN YOU COME TO A REHABILITATION CENTER.

THEN THERE'S A CHURCH.

YOU TAKE A RIGHT, YOUR THIRD LEFT,

YOU GO ABOUT THREE MILES.

IF YOU DON'T SEE IT,

THEN YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY PASSED THE MOTHERFUCKER.

CLARITY AIN'T ONE OF YOUR FINER POINTS.

DRIVE TILL YOU SMELL THE CHICKEN.

COMPLIMENTS OF THE GENTLEMAN OVER THERE.

GIRL, HERE'S A COLD BEER,

AND YOU KNOW THERE AIN'T NOTHIN'

LIKE DUKIE'S DEEP-FRIED CHICKEN WINGS.

THANKS.

OH.

WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOURSELF?

NOT MUCH.

NO, NO, NO. YES, YOU DID.

WANT SOMETHIN' TO EAT?

OH, WAIT A MINUTE.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T EAT GREASY FOOD.

WELL, SEE THAT NICE MAN RIGHT OVER THERE?

HE SENT IT TO ME.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE THIS.

HOW DO YOU THINK THOSE TWO HUSSIES

MADE ME FEEL?

KIMMIE, I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEM.

SO? I DON'T KNOW WINGMAN.

KIMMIE, LOOK, THIS IS OUR FIRST DATE,

AND I WANTED IT TO BE SOMETHING SPECIAL,

AND NOW IT'S TURNIN' INTO SOME DATE FROM HELL.

WINGMAN. YES.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THE BEER AND THE HOT WINGS?

AIN'T THAT NICE?

JUST WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF THE LADY

WHILE YOU WAS WITH THE OTHER LADIES, BROTHER.

YEAH, I APPRECIATE IT, BROTHER.

ONE BROTHER HELPIN' ANOTHER BROTHER.

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT, BUT I'LL ALWAYS BE ROUND.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

THANKS, BROTHER.

BYE. BYE.

Wingman: YEAH, BROTHER.

* CHUBBSTER, THE CHUBBSTER *

* THE CHUBBSTER, THE CHUBBSTER, THE CHUBBSTER, THE CHUBBSTER *

* COME ON, Y'ALL, LET'S GO TO WORK *

* 6'3", 260 AND CHANGE *

* READ IT AND WEEP, A LITTLE COMEDIC AND STRANGE *

* WE CAN HAVE MANY FRIENDS, OR AT LEAST PEOPLE THEY CALL THAT *

* THEY USE YOUR BRAIN, THEY'RE INSANE BECAUSE I IGNORE THAT *

* NO EGO 'CAUSE I WON'T BE NO PLATINUM BIG-HEADED RAPPER *

* THAT DON'T REALIZE THERE ARE TWO DIRECTIONS ON THE LADDER *

* YOU WANNA GO 'HEAD, WALK STRAIGHT, WALK GOOD *

* DON'T BLAME YOUR SALES ON RETAIL *

* THINKIN' THAT THE STORE SHOULD *

* MAKE A REORDER OF ABOUT 500,000 *

* JUST BE GLAD OF THE SUCCESS YOU HAD *

GOT MY COOKIES?

GOT PLENTY COOKIES.

CHIPS. CHIP AHOYS.

WE GOT PLENTY COOKIES OVER THERE.

YOU GO LOOK. BELIEVE ME. I DON'T WANT TROUBLE.

* GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! *

* COME ON, YA'LL, LET'S GO TO WORK *

Rudy: HELLO, DUKIE'S COMEDY CLUB.

CAN I SPEAK TO ARETHA?

ARETHA CAN'T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW. SHE'S BUSY.

BUSY

WITH ABOUT 400 PEOPLE, AND THEY HAVIN' A GOOD TIME.

ARE YOU ONE OF 'EM?

YEP, AND SHE'S A LOT OF FUN, TOO.

OH, REALLY, HUH? WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WHO IS THIS?

THIS IS BIGG, ARETHA'S JEALOUS MAN,

STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON.

THAT'S WHO THIS IS!

AAH!

AAH!

MM-HMM. AND THE BABYSITTER.

JUST IMAGINE IF I WAS YOUR BABYSITTER.

PEOPLE USED TO TRUST ME WITH THEIR CHILDREN,

BUT, SEE, I UNDERSTOOD, 'CAUSE I HAD A MOTHER.

EVERYBODY HERE HAD MOTHERS, EVEN IF YOU DON'T CLAIM THEM.

YOU KNOW THEM MOTHERS, THEY GIVE YOU THAT LOOK

STOP YOU IN THE DEAD MIDDLE OF YOUR TRACK.

THE ONES THAT REALLY GET UPSET CAN'T FINISH A SENTENCE.

"I--YOU--

"I--I--YOU--BU--I--

"JUS--YOU--

"DON'T LET ME--

I BETCHA, GIRL--" AND THEM THREATS THEY GIVE YA.

"I WILL BEAT YOU INTO BAD HEALTH.

"I WILL BEAT YOU LIKE YOU STOLE SOMETHIN'.

I WILL BEAT ALL THE BLACK OFF YOU."

IN MY CASE, THEY'D BE DOIN' SOME SERIOUS BEATIN'.

BUT Y'ALL REMEMBER THAT DANCE YOU MADE UP, RIGHT?

WHEN YOUR MAMA WAS TEARIN' THEM LITTLE LEGS UP, RIGHT?

THAT WHUPPIN' DANCE. "OKAY, MAMA, OKAY, MAMA."

YOU NEVER WANTED TO GET THAT BELT ON YOUR LEG.

AND Y'ALL HAD LIKE THAT RETARDED CRYIN'.

LOST YOUR MIND.

LOST ALL POWER OF SPEECH AFTER SHE BEAT THAT BUTT.

WE NEED TO DO SOME MORE BUTT-BEATIN' THESE DAYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? CHANGE SOMEBODY'S MIND.

'CAUSE THESE KIDS NOWADAYS, THEY BE GOIN' CRAZY.

THEY NEED TO BE RAISED BY MY MAMA, NOW.

I WANT Y'ALL TO KNOW THAT THERE IS POWER IN THE BOOTY.

THE BOOTY WILL SET YOU FREE.

AND YOU JUST REMEMBER...

Woman: TALK ABOUT THAT BOOTY, GIRL.

YOU HAVE POWER IN YOUR BOOTY.

JUST DON'T MISUSE THE POWER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

BYE.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU. Y'ALL ARE SO CRAZY, THOUGH.

TALK ABOUT MAMAS.

HERE'S MY LITTLE THANK-YOU.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. I WAS LOOKIN' FOR NEW FABRIC FOR MY DRAPES.

PLEASE!

I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU BROTHERS AND SISTERS

SEEMED TO HAVE SUCH A GOOD TIME TONIGHT.

AND NOW WE WOULD LIKE TO THANK THE OWNER OF THE CLUB--

THE MAN, DUKIE SINCLAIR!

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

HIS DUMPY, FRUMPY LITTLE WIFE RUBY LIN.

Audience: OOH.

BYE.

OHH, WAIT A MINUTE. HELLO, MY SISTERS.

NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT SISTERS.

I'M GONNA GET Y'ALL SOME AFRICAN NAMES.

I'M-A CALL YOU CLEOPATRA AND YOU MANITA.

I KNOW Y'ALL ARE HERE TO SEE ME, RIGHT?

NORMALLY, THAT'D BE TRUE, BROTHER,

BUT I BELIEVE THEY LOOKIN' FOR A MAN, AM I RIGHT?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. WE'RE LOOKIN' FOR JACKIE.

UM, IS THERE ANYTHING I COULD DO FOR YOU?

JACKIE, NOW-- HE'S FINE.

FINE? BABY, YOU KNOW,

YOU LOOKIN' AT A $25 LOTTO WINNER.

HA HA. OH.

I HATE TO TELL YOU,

BUT BROTHER JACKIE IS REALLY SISTER JACKIE.

WELL, IF HE IS, HE'LL WANT TO BE A MAN

WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GAY.

OHH.

I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHIN' GOIN' ON BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU.

I JUST NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD TAKE HER OVER ME!

I DIDN'T SAY NOTHIN' WAS GOIN' ON.

I JUST SAID SHE AIN'T GOIN' NO DAMN WHERE.

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE MR. ENTREMANURE.

THE NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME,

YOU CAN JUST CALL ON MY DIVORCE LAWYER,

'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA BE YOUR OTHER WOMAN!

NO MORE BUST THAT THEM RAVES ABOUT,

NO MORE CHITLINS ON THANKSGIVIN',

AND NO MORE HEAD

WHILE YOU WATCHIN' THEM EN VOGUE VIDEOS.

SHE STAYS.

ALL RIGHT. I'M WASHIN' MY HANDS OF THIS!

YOU CAN FORGET YOU EVER KNEW ME!

JUST FORGET I EVER EXISTED!

BUT YOU BETTER NOT FORGET MY ALIMONY CHECK!

YOU NO-GOOD, ROTTEN, LOUSY,

INEBRIATED, FAT CAP-WEARIN',

NACHO-EATIN', ALF-LOOKIN' DOG!

GET ME SOME ICE.

TERRY? I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

MAYBE HE'S IN THE DRESSIN' ROOM.

WHAT DO YOU SEE IN BROTHER JACKIE?

WHO IS IT?!

Ruby Lin: RUBY LIN. IS TERRY IN THERE?

IT'S DUKIE'S WIFE, MAN. I GOTTA ANSWER THE DOOR.

ROACH, I NEED TO TALK TO TERRY--ALONE.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S COOL, BECAUSE, UH, WE WERE JUST LEAVING.

WASN'T WE?

LISTEN, RUBY LIN, THIS IS NO TIME--LISTEN.

DAMN, GIRL. SHIT.

TERRY, I'M LEAVIN' DUKIE.

WHAT?! FOR YOU.

NO--NO--

KWAME, YOU GONNA--

OH, HI, JACKIE.

Jackie: OH, UH, MRS. SINCLAIR.

YOU KNOW, MRS. SINCLAIR, I WAS JUST TELLIN' TERRY,

IF ANYONE COULD TEACH HIM THE POLITICS OF THIS BUSINESS,

IT WOULD HAVE TO BE YOU.

YEAH, I'M TEACHIN' HIM, ALL RIGHT.

Jackie: YOU'RE DOIN' A GREAT JOB, TOO, YES.

TERRY, YOU DEVIL, YOU. OOH!

MY MAN.

* MADE UP MY MIND *

* AIN'T NO DOUBT... *

COME ON!

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'? SHH!

WHAT ARE YOU--

GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN.

Rudy: ...WITH THE MOTHERFUCKIN' TIT IN HIS ASS...

Terry: DAMN!

* WANNA, WANNA BE WITH YOU *

COME HERE. YO--

RU, RU, RU, RU, HOLD UP.

COME ON NOW. WHAT ABOUT MY CAREER?

DON'T WORRY. WE CAN START ALL OVER.

ALL THAT MONEY I'M GONNA HAVE AFTER THE DIVORCE,

I'M-A BUY YOU YOUR OWN CLUB, SUGAR.

TERRY, YOUR KISSES ARE COLD.

RUBY, WE'RE IN A DAMN FREEZER.

OH. UH-OH.

I'M-A HAVE TO WARM YOU UP.

OH, SHIT. RUBE-- MAMA, CALL DADDY.

OH! RUBE, RUBE, RUBE. WHOA, COME ON NOW.

YOU KNOW I'M WEAK, ALL RIGHT?

COME ON, YOU KNOW I'M WEAK, RUBE.

A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, ALL RIGHT?

TERRY? TERRY, I CAN'T.

I CAN'T, TERRY. WHAT?

I CAN'T GET THE ZIPPER DOWN. IT'S STUCK!

COME ON, YOU GOT ME ALL EXCITED, GIRL.

DO THAT SHIT.

HOW MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE STILL BELIEVE IN LOVE?

Woman: GOT FUCKIN' LOVE, ALL RIGHT?

Woman #2: IF IT COME WITH A CHECKBOOK.

NO, NO, NO, SERIOUSLY.

SEE, I NEED ALL OF YOU TO HELP ME.

SEE THAT LADY BACK THERE?

RIGHT OVER THERE. NO, NO, NO, BROTHER, A LITTLE FURTHER UP.

YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S MY DATE FOR THE EVENING.

AND YOU SEE, I BEEN TRYIN' TO GET TO THAT WOMAN

FOR THE LONGEST TIME.

Woman: AIN'T THAT SWEET, JACKIE.

I THINK I LOVE HER.

Audience: OHH.

HONEY, IF YOU KNOW LIKE I KNOW,

YOU BETTER GET HIM

BEFORE THOSE TWO IMPLANTS DO.

Woman: DANG!

WAIT A MINUTE-- KIMMIE?

KIMMIE-- KIMMIE, WAIT NOW. KIMMIE!

WAIT! KIMMIE!

UH, MISS-- LEAVE ME ALONE!

HEY, LOOK, I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

EVERYBODY JUST, YOU KNOW, ORDER ANOTHER DRINK, OKAY?

KIMMIE!

WHERE'D SHE-- NEVER MIND.

KIMMIE. KIMMIE, WAIT.

LOOK, I WASN'T TRYIN' TO EMBARRASS YOU.

LOOK AT ME! I'VE GOT TO GET OUTTA HERE.

BABY, COME ON NOW. SHIT!

I FORGOT MY POCKETBOOK. MY KEYS ARE IN IT.

KIMMIE, LOOK, I JUST WANT

TO TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE, ALL RIGHT?

JACKIE, COME ON TO MAMA.

YOU JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME!

IF YOU LIKE A PUBLIC SPECTACLE,

THERE IT IS.

SURE THEY'D SCREW YOU ONSTAGE IF IT GOT 'EM NOTICED.

KIMMIE, COME ON. LOOK, I DON'T--

JACKIE, WHY DO YOU WANT THAT WOMAN

WHEN YOU KNOW WE ARE YOUR TWO FANTASIES,

AND AS YOU KNOW...

Together: WE GOT IT GOIN' ON!

AAH! HEY, HEY.

WHAT'S WITH IT, LADIES?

WE WAS LOOKIN' ALL OVER THE CLUB FOR Y'ALL.

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL AFRICAN PRINCESSES.

WHAT Y'ALL DOIN' TONIGHT?

Woman: IT'S ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER IT IS.

Man: BUT YOU HAVE...

HELLO, DUKIE'S.

Bigg: WHO AM I TALKIN' TO?

PERCY.

PERCY, THIS IS BIGG.

BIGG? WHY THEY CALL YOU BIGG?

IT'S PERSONAL. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

OH, OH, I SEE. YOU ONE OF THEM SECRETIVE TYPE OF BROTHERS.

WITH A NAME LIKE BIGG, YOU EITHER SEVEN FEET TALL,

YOU A MIDGET, OR YOU GOT A MICROSCOPIC WEE-WEE.

PERCY, I DIDN'T GET MY COOKIES AND I'M PISSED OFF.

WHERE'S MY WOMAN?

YOUR WOMAN? SHE'S RIGHT HERE WITH ME.

SHE'S GETTIN' MY COOKIES,

AND IN A MINUTE, SHE GONNA GET MY DING-DONG.

I CAN TELL TONIGHT I'M GON' DIE.

Man: WHAT'S UP WITH THE SHOW?

HAVE YOU SEEN TERRY? I NEED A M.C.

I THINK SOMETIMES HE GOES IN THE FREEZER

TO REHEARSE HIS JOKES.

UH, UH, AHEM, EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU THE OWNER?

YEAH, I'M BUSY NOW. BUSY.

ANYTHING I CAN HELP YOU WITH?

I LOST MY M.C.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR ANOTHER COMIC TO FILL IN.

OH, LOOK, I'M A COMIC. I CAN DO IT.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BOY?

MY NAME IS PERCY.

YOU EVER M.C. BEFORE?

YEAH, YEAH, I M.C. ALL THE TIME, SURE.

YOU STAY RIGHT HERE. I MIGHT NEED YOU.

I WON'T MOVE A MUSCLE.

I'M FROZE JUST LIKE A ESKIMO IN THE WINTER OLYMPICS.

LOOK AT THAT. FROZE STIFF, MANNEQUIN STYLE.

OH, YOU GONNA GET ME MY OWN CLUB? OHH.

MY OWN CLUB. OHH. MY OWN CLUB, YEAH.

YEAH, THAT'S... TERRY?

OH, MR. SINCLAIR!

WHAT THE FUCK YOU DOIN' IN MY FREEZER?

I WASN'T DOIN' NOTHIN', MAN.

HE'S IN HERE WITH ME.

AIN'T THIS A BITCH.

IN MY FAVORITE FREEZER WITH MY WIFE.

AND WHAT WAS RUBY LIN DOIN' ON HER KNEES--

PAINTIN' HER DAMN TOENAILS?

RUBY LIN DON'T HAVE NO TOENAILS.

ANYWAY, DUKIE, YOU DON'T WANT ME.

I DON'T, EITHER, ALL RIGHT?

OH, YEAH.

OH, YEAH, YOU WANT HER.

NO, NO, I DON'T, MAN. MY SHIT IS--

IT'S THE SMALLEST, TINIEST--IT'S GONE, MAN.

AND YOU WANT HER REAL, REAL BAD.

IT WAS PROFESSIONAL, MAN.

YOU WANNA KEEP WORKIN' AT DUKIE'S?

YOU WANNA LIVE, CAPTAIN DICK?

I WOULD LOVE TO, MAN. I WOULD LOVE TO.

THEN YOU'RE GONNA BOINK RUBY LIN OR DIE.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

BOINK RUBY LIN OR DIE.

I'LL TELL THE JUDGE I KILLED YOU TWO

IN A FIT OF PASSION.

OH, TERRY, I THINK HE'S SERIOUS.

YOU BETTER GET IT UP, BABY.

GET IT UP! I CAN'T.

WHEN I GET BACK, I WANNA HEAR SOME OINKIN' AND BOINKIN'

JUST LIKE A BUNCH OF PIGS IN HERE--BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!

YOU HEAR ME? Y'ALL BETTER GET BUSY.

GO AHEAD. GIVE HER SOME COLD DICK.

UH-HUH. DO YOU WANT THE LIGHTS OFF OR ON?

ON, PLEASE.

DUKIE.

DUKIE. DUKIE?

MR. SINCLAIR! MR. SINCLAIR!

DAMN, RUBY.

UH-OH.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

THIS SITUATION PLAYED RIGHT INTO MY HANDS.

YEAH. YEAH.

MY SHIT IS FUCKED UP FOR LIFE, RU.

THE SHIT IS DEAD!

OH, NO, IT CAN'T BE DEAD!

IF IT IS, ALL THREE OF US IS DEAD--

YOU, ME, AND THAT WEENIE.

OH, COME ON, TERRY.

OH, WEENIE, DON'T FAIL ME NOW, MAN.

DON'T DO THIS SHIT TO ME.

OHH. JUST--JUST TEASE IT JUST LIKE THIS...

LIKE THAT A LITTLE BIT. ARE YOU LOOKIN' AT ME?

I'M BLOWIN' ON IT. I'M BLOWIN' ON IT.

A LITTLE BIT. NO.

TEASE IT.

BOOM! RIDE ON THAT.

I'M RIGHT HERE, STILL FROZEN LIKE A SNOW CONE.

MY MAN. COME ON, YOU 'BOUT TO GET REAL BUSY.

WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?

M.C. M.C.?

M.C.

HERE COMES SHOW BUSINESS.

HEY! WELL, Y'ALL KNOW ONE THING.

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE AT DUKIE'S.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, I'M STANDIN' BACKSTAGE,

AND DUKIE COME UP TO ME AND SAY,

"LOOK HERE, HAVE YOU EVER M.C.'d BEFORE?"

AND I SAID, "NO, BUT I B.S. ALL THE TIME."

YOU NEED TO O-F-F YOUR POMPADOUR-WEARIN' ASS

OFF THE STAGE.

Man: GET JACKIE BACK ON. LOOKIN' LIKE MORRIS DAY.

YEAH.

Man: HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE.

AND THAT JACKET LOOKS LIKE A JAR OF MUSTARD.

GET YOUR TRIFLIN' ASS OFF THE STAGE.

Man: WHOA!

THANKS FOR THE CHAIR,

LOOKIN' LIKE ROY ROGERS DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE.

HA HA HA HA.

OH, DUKIE, A BONUS FOR ME?

OH, DUKIE, THAT'S SO NICE.

BONUS TIME.

UH, BUT, UH, DU-- DUKE--DUKIE, DUKIE--

UNH-UNH.

WHAT IN THE W--

UNH-UNH. NOW, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE. DUKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.

NOW, RUBY LIN IS LOCKED IN A FREEZER WITH TERRY.

LITTLE TERRY?

HE WAS JUST THE EXCUSE I NEEDED.

EXCUSE FOR WHAT?

TO CEMENT MY THING WITH YOU.

WHAT THING?

THE LOVE PARTNERSHIP YOU WERE TALKIN' ABOUT--

YOU AND ME MAKIN' LOVE

AND MAKIN' MONEY.

DUKIE, I--I--I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD.

WHAT ABOUT BIGG? REMEMBER BIGG?

I'LL GET HIM A FOOTBALL CONTRACT IN CANADA, BABY.

WHY YOU BACKIN' OFF? I THOUGHT THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.

THE FAME AND THE MONEY PART, YES.

WHAT ABOUT THE LOVE AND THE MAN STUFF?

DUKIE, DUKIE, DUKIE, YOU--YOU--YOU ARE THE MAN,

THE MAN WHO EMPLOYS ME, WHO LAUNCHED MY CAREER,

BUT YOU'VE GOT A WIFE, AND I'VE GOT

A 300-POUND BROTHER IN MY LIFE.

I DON'T CARE. I WANT SOME OF THAT DIVA THING.

DUKIE...

GO GET THE DOOR. WHO IS IT?!

Percy: IT'S PERCY.

I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU FOR A SECOND.

UH, IT'LL ONLY TAKE A SECOND.

I SHOULD GO.

LOOK AT THE PICTURE, BABY.

YOU KNOW THIS IS NOT RIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE!

MR. DUKIE, MR. DUKIE, THEY LOVE ME DOWNSTAIRS.

YOU GOTTA GIVE ME MORE SPOTS HERE AT THE CLUB.

LATER ON, OKAY?

YOU TWO TALK. I'LL LEAVE.

NO, NO, NO. PERCY, LISTEN TO ME.

WE GONNA TALK ABOUT THIS LATER ON, OKAY?

AAH! I'M-A KILL SOMEBODY!

SOMEBODY BEEN MESSIN' WITH MY WOMAN AND I KNOW WHO.

YOU! OHH!

BIGG, DON'T KILL HIM!

IT WAS YOU BEEN TALKIN' SHIT ON THE PHONE, MAN.

I AIN'T GOT NO PHONE, BROTHER.

DON'T GET NO BLOOD ON MY CARPET.

EE!

BIGG! Bigg: AAH!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR WOMAN!

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MAN BEFORE.

GOD, MAKE SURE SHE'S RIGHT. OH, GOD.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, BROTHER.

ALL RIGHT! NOW, YOU KNOW I BEEN TO VIETNAM...

AND I'M 'BOUT TO GO BACK.

AAH! BIGG!

HELP! OPEN UP!

DUKIE, I'M GON' FIND YOUR BLACK ASS.

TERRY, I GUESS I CAN GET ME A RAISE NOW, CAN'T I?

LOOK, BE COOL, ALL RIGHT? HE'S DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW.

NO, I'M GOIN' ALL UP IN HIS FACE.

CHEATIN' ON ME ALL THIS TIME!

THIS IS CRAZY, MAN.

PHEW. WOW.

WELL, I'LL BE A MOTHERFUCKER.

YOU DON'T SEE NO SHIT LIKE THIS ON CABLE.

YEAH, MY PEOPLE COME FROM A BLACK INDIAN TRIBE

OUTSIDE OF DETROIT...

THE SLAP-A-HO TRIBE.

( laughter and applause )

HELP ME!

I'LL KILL YOU.

FOLKS, YOU CROSS BIGG, SOMEBODY GON' DIE!

Dukie: SETTLE DOWN. SETTLE DOWN.

JUST A MINOR ALTERCATION.

Woman: SOMEBODY CALL...

TAKE THAT, YOU RODENT!

Dukie: LET HIM DOWN.

SOMEBODY GOT TO CONTROL THIS HUMONGOUS ELEPHANT.

FIVE MINUTES. FIVE MINUTES.

BIGG, BIGG, DON'T KILL HIM!

DON'T KILL HIM, BIGG!

I'M-A TAKE THIS RIGHT TO THE END.

BUT YOU MAKIN' IT BAD FOR BUSINESS, BIG FELLA.

NOBODY MESSES WITH MY WOMAN--NOBODY!

IT WASN'T ME. IT WASN'T ME. I SWEAR IT WASN'T.

HE'S RIGHT, BIGG. HE'S RIGHT!

MY WOMAN WOULDN'T MESS AROUND BEHIND MY BACK

UNLESS SOMEBODY LIKE YOU TEMPT HER.

I COSIGN THAT.

IF IT WAS MY WOMAN,

I'D DO THE SAME DAMN THING AND MORE!

OH.

I'M TELLIN' YA, IT WASN'T ME, BROTHER.

THAT'S RIGHT!

IT WASN'T HIM!

NO. IT WAS THAT LOW-DOWN,

ROTTEN, CHEAP-ASS, SCUMBAG DUKIE.

Woman: IT'S ALWAYS THE HUSBAND.

Bigg: WHAT? IT'S SHOWTIME.

OH, SHIT.

UHH!

Bigg: YAH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IF I CONTROL MY ARMS, I CAN GET UP IN THE AIR.

I CAN CONTROL MY--OHH!

YOUR ASS HISTORY, PUNK!

Dukie: WAIT. LET ME GO.

SINCLAIR, I HOPE THIS DON'T AFFECT OUR RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU THIS SHIT IS HAPPENIN'.

THAT'S ENOUGH, NOW.

KICK HIS ASS!

LET HIM GO! GET OFF OF ME.

THAT IS ENOUGH. LET HIM GO!

HA HA HA HA.

ARETHA!

THAT'S A HELL OF A PUNCH LINE.

Rudy: YOU BIG MOTHERFUCKER.

I'M-A LET THE AIR OUTTA YOU.

CALM DOWN, NOW. JUST CALM DOWN, NOW.

YAH! YAH! UHH!

SOMEBODY GET ME A WHIP AND A CHAIR

FOR THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

OOH!

Women: JACKIE!

JACKIE, WHERE YOU GOIN'?!

COME ON BACK HERE, BABY! DON'T GO!

JACKIE! JACKIE, YOU DON'T WANT HER.

COME HERE, BABY. JACKIE.

OHH.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. AAH!

AAH!

OH, SHIT!

OH, MY GOD. WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

LOOK AT YA.

DIRTY, FILTHY, NO SELF-RESPECT.

AND WE STILL WANT YOU.

RU, THIS IS DANGEROUS.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE DRIVIN' YOU HOME.

WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO

NO, YOU COULDA TOOK A CAB.

AS MUCH AS YOU PUT ME THROUGH TONIGHT,

I OUGHTA MAKE YOU CARRY ME TO THE DOOR.

DAMN. ME AND MY POLITICS.

MY SHIT IS--

SHIT IS DEAD, MAN.

DAMN. SHH!

YO, I'M SORRY 'BOUT TONIGHT, RUBE, ALL RIGHT?

I MESSED UP.

COME ON, BABY. TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT.

OH-OH. THERE'S DUKIE. THAT'S DUKIE.

TALK TO HIM, ALL RIGHT?

HE AIN'T GONNA DO NOTHIN'. THAT MAN CRAZY ABOUT ME.

UH-OH.

BITE 'EM IN THE ASS! DON'T BE NO RIN-TIN-TIN!

I DON'T WANT NO RIN-TIN-TIN STUFF.

WE GONNA BITE SOME ASS TONIGHT.

Ruby Lin: HE WASN'T WORTH ALL OF THIS.

OH, THE MOTHERFUCKER WON'T START!

Dukie: BITE THEM!

COME ON, BITE, BITE, BITE, BITE. COME ON, TIGER!

THAT DOG NEVER DID LIKE ME.

Terry: YEAH, LET'S GO.

COME ON, TIGER, GO GET 'EM!

THAT'S IT, TIGER. BITE 'EM IN THE ASS! BITE 'EM GOOD.

Terry: DON'T SHOOT. DON'T SHOOT.

MY DICK! WHERE'S MY DICK?!

WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

AAH!

YOU, THAT'S WHO!

M--

IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU MY SHIT IS--

MY SHIT IS GONE!

AAH! LOOK, BABY, LOOK.

HA HA HA HA HA.

MY SHIT IS BACK! MY SHIT!

MY SHIT IS-- MY SHIT IS BACK, GIRL!

HEE HEE HEE HEE!

WELCOME HOME, MAN.

OH, BABY, I'M SO HAPPY FOR US.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WE GOT TO RETHINK THIS "US" SHIT.

OH, COME ON, TERRY.

NO, US IS THE PROBLEM.

HELLO!

MY SHIT IS BACK.

WHO'S THAT?

DUKIE. HE'S CRYIN'.

HELLO.

NO, DUKIE, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

NO, YOU MUST THINK I'M CRAZY. I'M NOT GOIN' BACK TO YOU.

WHAT ABOUT US? YOU KNOW, THE BUSINESS?

OKAY, ON TWO CONDITIONS.

ONE, GET RID OF THAT MANGY, FLEA-BITTEN, VICIOUS ANIMAL.

NO, I'M NOT TALKIN' 'BOUT YOUR DOG,

I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT YOUR MAMA.

Terry: I AM THROUGH. I AM THROUGH WITH POLITICS.

I AM THROUGH WITH THAT SHIT.

FROM NOW ON, HEY, I'M-A USE MY TALENTS.

I'M-A DO JUST LIKE JACKIE AND KIMMIE--

FALL IN LOVE, GET UP IN THE MORNIN',

GO TO CHURCH, AND THEN WE'RE GOIN' STRAIGHT HOME.

YOU KNOW THEY DIDN'T COME OUT THE HOUSE

FOR FOUR WHOLE MONTHS?

LOOKIN' AT KIMMIE-- HA HA HA

HA.

NO, NO, NO, NO,

NOT LIKE BROTHER ROACH AND BROTHER KWAME.

SEE, THESE BROTHERS STILL GOT THEIR EYES ON THE PUSSY PATROL

INSTEAD OF THE BALL.

NOW, AS FOR BIGG AND PERCY,

WELL, I HEAR THEY'VE BECOME BEST FRIENDS

AND WENT ON THE ROAD

AS A RAPPING AND WRESTLING TAG TEAM--

LITTLE FEETS AND BIGG FOOTS.

I THINK THE 20 JEALOUS HUSBANDS WILL WIN.

AS FOR ARETHA, WELL,

SHE STOPPED WORKIN' FOR A WHILE--YEAH, TO HAVE A BABY.

OF COURSE BIGG WAS THE DADDY,

AND THE DAMN BABY WEIGHED 18 POUNDS!

LOOK AT HER.

WELL, AS FOR RUBY LIN AND DUKIE,

WELL, FORTUNATELY, THEY HOOKED IT UP AGAIN,

WITHOUT ME AND WITHOUT THE DOG.

DAMN. THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.

OH, WELL. I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER. YOU KNOW WHY.

HA. MY SHIT IS BACK! HA HA HA!

SHH...

* OHH *

* AH *

* OHH *

* BABY *

* TALKIN' DIRTY *

* TALK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY... AFTER DARK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* TALK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY... AFTER DARK *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* TALKIN' DIRTY, TALKIN' DIRTY TO ME *

* EACH NIGHT I GO OUT TO MY FAVORITE SPOT *

* AND I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT I'M EXTREMELY HOT *

Woman: NO, NO, NO, LISTEN, CLOSER THAN THAT.

AHH.

OOH, OOH, OOH. NO, THAT'S TOO CLOSE.

MM. AHH.

OOH, HERE, BABY. AHH.

HAVE A BREATH MINT. UH-HUH.

YEAH, SEE, THAT'S BETTER.

NOW... N-NOW WE CAN TALK DIRTY.

YOU RAISE MY CHOLESTEROL LEVEL.

I WANNA MAKE BISCUITS,

AND I CAN'T EVEN COOK.

OHH, OHH, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO GET A DIVORCE.

LEGAL ACTION TURNS ME ON.

BE MY JUDGE, BABY.

BANG ME WITH YOUR BIG GAVEL.

I'M MOANIN'. UH-HUH. UH-HUH.

I'M BLOWIN' IT.

OHH, I GOT A TOOTHACHE.

OWW. I NEED SOME ASPIRIN, BABY.

THAT'S A DOUBLE SHOT, YOU KNOW, OF YOUR LOVE.

OHH. OH, OOH, OOH, YOU KNOW I NEED YOU, BABY.

* OWW! *

* DA-DA DA-DA DO *

* UHH! TAKE THAT *

* I BET YOU REALLY DON'T SEE *

* WHAT YOU DO TO ME *

* GIRL, YOUR LOVE FEELS FINE *

* THE WAY YOUR BODY MOVES ME *

* MAKES ME BELIEVE *

* THAT MY HEART NEEDS YOU *

* I CAN TELL *

* BY THE LOOK IN YOUR EYES *

* THAT YOU'LL SOON BE MINE *

* TAKE YOUR TIME *

* GIRL, IT'S NOT TOO LATE *

* YOUR LOVE IS WORTH THE WAIT *

* WHY CAN'T *

* I HAVE YOUR LOVE? *

* IT'S MEANT FOR ME *

* OWW! *

* I CAN'T *

* GIVE YOU GOOD LOVE *

* GIRL, CAN'T YOU SEE *

* UHH! TAKE THAT *

* I BET YOU DON'T REALIZE *

* SINCE YOU CAME IN MY LIFE *

* MY WHOLE WORLD TURNED AROUND *

* THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL *

* GIRL, I CAN'T BELIEVE *

* THAT YOU DON'T FEEL THE SAME *