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1
00:00:04,240 --> 00:00:06,480
I cut the thumb off!
Where's the thumb?
2
00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:12,900
That's because I go to great lengths
to conceal my whereabouts.
3
00:00:12,935 --> 00:00:15,200
I was doing some accounts for a
small family of debt collectors.
4
00:00:15,235 --> 00:00:17,405
And I might have invested
some of their money into
5
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,820
my high-yield investment programme.
You mean Ponzi scheme.
6
00:00:19,855 --> 00:00:22,200
I'll let you know when I'm settled.
You can send me some cash!
7
00:00:22,235 --> 00:00:25,200
This is Suki Morgan
from the Mail On Sunday.
8
00:00:25,235 --> 00:00:26,920
They're doing a lifestyle piece
on me.
9
00:00:26,955 --> 00:00:28,857
I've got nothing left!
10
00:00:28,892 --> 00:00:30,725
And whose fault is that?
11
00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:33,160
Stuart, tell her.
Yeah, it's my fault.
12
00:00:33,195 --> 00:00:35,440
How much did you lose?
13
00:00:35,475 --> 00:00:37,205
1.2 million.
14
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,765
That's my fucking money, you wanker!
15
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,280
So, ex-husband gets his revenge
by wilfully destroying MP's life?
16
00:00:42,315 --> 00:00:43,485
Yeah.
17
00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:44,805
My name's Humphrey Roehampton.
18
00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,480
I was April's fiance, and I'm father
to this man's daughter.
19
00:00:47,515 --> 00:00:49,280
You look nothing like her.
Bugger off.
20
00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:50,885
I want a paternity test.
21
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,240
Shut up, everyone.
I think he's having a heart attack!
22
00:00:53,275 --> 00:00:56,680
Dad! If I don't make it,
you need to know...
23
00:00:56,715 --> 00:00:58,177
I love you too.
24
00:00:58,212 --> 00:00:59,640
..that moustache...
25
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:02,600
...makes you look like a tosspot.
26
00:01:26,040 --> 00:01:27,840
It's a disabled bay.
I'm going to get towed.
27
00:01:27,875 --> 00:01:29,245
I do it all the time.
It's no biggie.
28
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:31,325
Stu, you're flapping.
Of course I'm flapping!
29
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,320
They wouldn't tell me on the phone. For
all I know, he could be at death's door.
30
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:36,600
Don't worry. He probably just needs
his grapes topping up.
31
00:01:36,635 --> 00:01:38,917
Look, you need some time alone
with the old man.
32
00:01:38,952 --> 00:01:41,165
Why don't me and Apes
peel off and grab a Starbs?
33
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,660
No. April's staying with me. If you
want to go for a coffee, go on your own.
34
00:01:43,695 --> 00:01:46,120
I'm not missing the look on your face
when you find out I'm Bertha's dad.
35
00:01:46,155 --> 00:01:47,125
Humphrey!
36
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:49,920
You're not. Stop saying that!
Come on! I paid for the test.
37
00:01:49,955 --> 00:01:52,360
I should be there when they announce
the winner.
38
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,820
Stuart! Did you bring grapes?
Told you.
39
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:04,925
Mr Hooper?
What is it? What's going on?
40
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,040
Thank you for coming in
at such short notice.
41
00:02:07,075 --> 00:02:08,397
What's that tosspot doing here?
42
00:02:08,432 --> 00:02:09,685
Mind your ticker, old chap.
43
00:02:09,720 --> 00:02:12,005
We're waiting for the results
of the paternity test.
44
00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:15,080
We need to move quite swiftly.
Your dad's heart is recovering well,
45
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:23,200
So there's something wrong
with his, what, renus?
46
00:02:23,235 --> 00:02:24,645
Kidneys, berk!
47
00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:26,600
I'm afraid Willie's kidneys are
failing.
48
00:02:26,635 --> 00:02:28,485
But, providing we find a suitable
donor,
49
00:02:28,520 --> 00:02:30,880
it can be fixed
with a fairly routine procedure.
50
00:02:30,915 --> 00:02:32,205
Donor?
51
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,085
The first people we check
are the children.
52
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,960
And whilst your brother's records show
he's a match, I understand he's...?
53
00:02:37,995 --> 00:02:39,405
A wanker.
54
00:02:39,440 --> 00:02:41,325
Gone AWOL. Exactly.
55
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,205
So all we need to do
in the first instance
56
00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,880
is a very quick blood test to
establish if you're a suitable donor.
57
00:02:45,915 --> 00:02:48,120
Uh, no, that's not happening,
no way.
58
00:02:48,155 --> 00:02:49,245
Told you.
59
00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:51,680
Your dad mentioned
you had a tiny phobia of needles.
60
00:02:51,715 --> 00:02:53,445
It's not tiny.
61
00:02:53,480 --> 00:02:55,720
He slapped the school nurse at his
62
00:02:53,445 --> 00:02:55,685
BCG.
63
00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:59,720
Well, I can assure you, it's totally
painless. Just a small scratch.
64
00:02:59,755 --> 00:03:01,125
I don't want to.
65
00:03:01,160 --> 00:03:03,245
Come on, son. Do it for
your old man.
66
00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:05,760
When you think about it,
it's sort of mine anyway.
67
00:03:05,795 --> 00:03:08,200
I made it. Now I need it back.
68
00:03:09,632 --> 00:03:10,960
Needles!
69
00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:21,245
Cheers, son.
70
00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,360
Needles. I can't... I can't do
needles.
71
00:03:23,395 --> 00:03:25,205
Stu, needles schmeedles.
72
00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:28,720
I gave birth to your daughter with
nothing but jungle sounds and joss sticks.
73
00:03:28,755 --> 00:03:29,805
My daughter.
74
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,080
You don't know what it's like.
You don't know what they do to me.
75
00:03:32,115 --> 00:03:33,365
Where's Charlie?
76
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:35,040
We've only just got rid of him.
77
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,920
Where are you, you bastard?
Say hi from me.
78
00:03:39,955 --> 00:03:41,885
Dad needs your kidney.
Phone me back!
79
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:44,920
I'm sorry you might die, Dad,
but...the needles...
80
00:03:46,452 --> 00:03:47,845
Oh, hi.
81
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,200
Sorry, is this a bad time? Madonna
wanted to drop in some magazines.
82
00:03:51,235 --> 00:03:52,565
They're going to put a needle in
me, Kate.
83
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,840
What are you talking about?
You don't do needles.
84
00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,140
Oh, God, that's awful!
85
00:04:00,175 --> 00:04:02,085
Are you OK, Willie?
86
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:04,920
No, he needs a new kidney.
And some grapes.
87
00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:10,245
Yeah. Don't kill Grandad.
88
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:12,640
And I'm sure Bertha would like
to get to know her grandfather.
89
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,860
Who are you?
Humphrey Roehampton.
90
00:04:18,895 --> 00:04:20,967
Bertha's dad.
No, you're not.
91
00:04:21,002 --> 00:04:22,941
We're waiting on a paternity test.
92
00:04:22,976 --> 00:04:24,880
I've been on hold for, like, an
hour.
93
00:04:24,915 --> 00:04:26,925
Oh, sorry, I had no idea.
94
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:29,240
Humphrey insisted on it.
He likes to take control.
95
00:04:29,275 --> 00:04:31,080
Hm. It's the only way we could
shut him up.
96
00:04:32,925 --> 00:04:32,925
Oops.
97
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,360
Busy in here. Er, so how are we
doing? Any thoughts?
98
00:04:38,720 --> 00:04:40,525
Son?
99
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:41,660
Give me a minute.
100
00:04:41,695 --> 00:04:42,760
It's only a kidney.
101
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,805
All right, I'll do it.
102
00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,260
Right, then.
I'll get that blood test sorted
103
00:04:59,295 --> 00:05:01,407
and we'll find out if you're a
match. Oh, God!
104
00:05:01,442 --> 00:05:03,520
You're doing the right thing.
Love you, Grandad.
105
00:05:03,555 --> 00:05:05,440
You're our hero, Daddy Bear.
106
00:05:05,475 --> 00:05:07,177
Yeah.
107
00:05:07,212 --> 00:05:08,845
Oh, shit!
108
00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:11,080
What?
Car's still in the disabled bay.
109
00:05:11,115 --> 00:05:13,120
It'll be fine. It's an emergency.
110
00:05:13,155 --> 00:05:14,645
I'm not sure it will.
111
00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:16,685
They let you know
if they need you to move it.
112
00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:20,160
Right. I was always under the assumption
that you can only park in a disabled bay
113
00:05:20,195 --> 00:05:23,400
if you have a blue badge
and the supporting documentation.
114
00:05:23,435 --> 00:05:26,680
Totally not the case, but thank you,
Kate.
115
00:05:29,800 --> 00:05:31,920
Don't say jab.
..I'd just like a quick word.
116
00:05:31,955 --> 00:05:33,137
I need to stay for the...
117
00:05:33,172 --> 00:05:34,285
It'll only take a minute.
118
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:36,640
It's fine. I'll let you know
if they answer.
119
00:05:36,675 --> 00:05:37,937
Right.
120
00:05:37,972 --> 00:05:39,246
Grapes!
121
00:05:39,281 --> 00:05:40,520
Sod off!
122
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,680
The article.
123
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:55,800
Deflecting Ted's shit.
124
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,840
Making me look halfway respectable.
125
00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:01,885
Well...
126
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,320
I'm sorry you got dragged through
the mud.
127
00:06:04,355 --> 00:06:05,645
Yeah.
128
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,760
Wasn't great being called a thieving
lowlife who steals off his own daughter
129
00:06:08,795 --> 00:06:10,400
in the national newspaper.
130
00:06:10,435 --> 00:06:11,605
No.
131
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,245
No, that was uncalled for.
132
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:16,840
I just didn't want to see you
being badmouthed in the press.
133
00:06:16,875 --> 00:06:18,080
For Madonna's sake.
134
00:06:18,115 --> 00:06:19,360
Yeah. Yeah.
135
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:25,320
Look, I realise this is awful
timing, but I thought you should know.
136
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:28,320
We're moving out of the close.
137
00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:31,120
We lost the house.
138
00:06:31,155 --> 00:06:32,557
Oh, shit.
139
00:06:32,592 --> 00:06:33,960
Fucking Ted.
140
00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,640
You could always stay at mine.
141
00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:43,920
We'll still be local.
142
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:46,400
How's Madonna taking it?
143
00:06:46,435 --> 00:06:47,925
Not great.
144
00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:49,885
Protests are getting worse.
145
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:52,160
This morning
she handcuffed herself to a horse.
146
00:06:52,195 --> 00:06:54,257
Why? I don't know.
147
00:06:54,292 --> 00:06:56,320
Fracking? Dolphins?
148
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:04,360
I should probably get back.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
149
00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:09,925
You worried?
150
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:13,760
Terrified.
They're like tiny little daggers.
151
00:07:13,795 --> 00:07:15,777
The paternity test.
152
00:07:15,812 --> 00:07:17,725
Oh. No, course not.
153
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:21,760
April said she's 95% sure Bertha's
mine, and that's good enough for me.
154
00:07:21,795 --> 00:07:23,040
OK.
155
00:07:24,640 --> 00:07:26,560
Here's the victim.
What?
156
00:07:26,595 --> 00:07:28,657
Mr Hooper? Yeah.
157
00:07:28,692 --> 00:07:30,685
I'm Nurse Dracula.
158
00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:33,365
Er, just kidding.
It's Nurse Patrick.
159
00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:35,400
Follow me and we'll get that blood
sucked.
160
00:07:35,435 --> 00:07:37,200
Not all of it.
161
00:07:37,235 --> 00:07:38,685
Yeah...
162
00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,520
Don't worry, Stu. I'm coming with
you.
163
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,720
Everywhere she goes...
164
00:07:46,755 --> 00:07:48,005
It's not allowed.
165
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,440
Oh, no, that's absolutely fine.
166
00:07:49,475 --> 00:07:51,205
See?
167
00:07:51,240 --> 00:07:53,720
Come on, you're going to be fine.
168
00:07:53,755 --> 00:07:55,045
Oh...
169
00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:57,480
It'll be over in a flash, Stu.
Stop talking.
170
00:07:57,515 --> 00:07:59,880
Just in here on the left.
Nobody talk to me.
171
00:07:59,915 --> 00:08:01,360
Right, if you'd like to take a seat.
172
00:08:01,395 --> 00:08:02,960
Oh, fuck off!
173
00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:06,245
Stuart!
174
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,525
Whoops-a-donkey!
175
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:09,920
Let's help him into the chair.
Come on.
176
00:08:11,312 --> 00:08:12,600
There you go.
177
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,280
Oh, is it over?
178
00:08:15,315 --> 00:08:16,405
Almost.
179
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:18,480
Do you know, I've never been
in an NHS hospital.
180
00:08:18,515 --> 00:08:19,737
Oh...
181
00:08:19,772 --> 00:08:20,960
Ooh...
182
00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,020
Oh...
183
00:08:24,055 --> 00:08:25,440
Aggh!
184
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,760
OK. You'll just feel a tiny scratch.
185
00:08:30,795 --> 00:08:32,325
No, don't do it!
186
00:08:32,360 --> 00:08:34,320
It'll be over in seconds.
187
00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:37,245
Oh... Oh, my God.
188
00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:39,640
Jesus Christ! Pooey!
Absolutely fine.
189
00:08:39,675 --> 00:08:41,357
I'll deal with it in a minute.
190
00:08:41,392 --> 00:08:43,005
OK, OK, I'm ready, I'm ready.
191
00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,800
Do it, do it, do it... Don't do it!
192
00:08:45,835 --> 00:08:47,440
Centre your chi, Stu.
193
00:08:47,475 --> 00:08:49,057
Oooh...
194
00:08:49,092 --> 00:08:50,605
Aghh...
195
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:52,680
I can feel it coming out of my body!
196
00:08:52,715 --> 00:08:54,720
There's an entire mushroom there.
197
00:08:54,755 --> 00:08:56,777
Ooh...
198
00:08:56,812 --> 00:08:58,686
All done.
199
00:08:58,721 --> 00:09:00,560
Oh...
200
00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,365
Just hold that there.
Oh...
201
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,240
Should have an answer for you
very quickly.
202
00:09:06,275 --> 00:09:08,897
I did it!
You did. All over my lap.
203
00:09:08,932 --> 00:09:11,520
I did it, April!
You're so brave.
204
00:09:11,555 --> 00:09:13,257
Yeah, that's so brave.
205
00:09:13,292 --> 00:09:14,925
Sorry about... It's fine.
206
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,400
I had leftover stroganoff
for my breakfast.
207
00:09:17,435 --> 00:09:18,525
Is that what it is?
208
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,800
Come on, Humpy. Let's get him up.
209
00:09:20,835 --> 00:09:22,357
Here we go.
210
00:09:22,392 --> 00:09:23,880
Ooh... Oh.
211
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,740
I'm glad that's over. Come here.
212
00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:30,047
Stu, no, your breath really pongs.
213
00:09:30,082 --> 00:09:32,141
Buddy of mine donated a kidney once.
214
00:09:32,176 --> 00:09:34,165
He was dead within a week.
What?!
215
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,280
Humpy... Oh, come on, I'm just
yanking his tits. You prick!
216
00:09:37,315 --> 00:09:38,805
Are you out of your bloody
mind?!
217
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:41,120
If you'd only answer my calls,
I wouldn't have to do this!
218
00:09:41,155 --> 00:09:42,365
Right. So this is my fault?
219
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:45,920
You bankrupt us, steal Madonna's
money, and this is somehow on me?!
220
00:09:45,955 --> 00:09:47,165
Please take me back!
221
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:49,365
What's going on? This twat.
222
00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,440
Stay out of it, Hoopers.
This is man and wife stuff!
223
00:09:51,475 --> 00:09:53,125
Are you drunk? Yeah,
224
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,520
but in a good way,
not in a "what's the point?" way.
225
00:09:55,555 --> 00:09:57,877
He thinks this is an appropriate way
to win me back.
226
00:09:57,912 --> 00:10:00,200
What? Madonna's always chaining
herself to crap.
227
00:10:00,235 --> 00:10:03,485
Who are you calling crap?
You're a wanker.
228
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,400
Kate, Madonna, just hear me out, OK?
I've got some great news.
229
00:10:06,435 --> 00:10:08,600
Botty has bought FishNosh.
230
00:10:08,635 --> 00:10:09,717
Botty!
231
00:10:09,752 --> 00:10:10,765
And?
232
00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,405
He's put together
a cracking rescue package.
233
00:10:12,440 --> 00:10:16,020
It means we can keep the house.
I can even pay Madonna back.
234
00:10:16,055 --> 00:10:19,600
I mean, just give me 12, 18 months
to ring-fence some capital.
235
00:10:19,635 --> 00:10:22,005
Forget it. We don't want your money.
I do!
236
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,880
Kate, you don't understand.
I'm almost back on top.
237
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,720
Oh, buddy,
stealing from your own daughter...
238
00:10:28,755 --> 00:10:30,165
She's my daughter.
Are you sure?
239
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,085
Yes!
I thought you'd be pleased!
240
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:35,200
You screwed us over, Ted.
There's no way back from that.
241
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:38,280
You enjoy flogging fish with Botty.
Madonna and I are...
242
00:10:38,315 --> 00:10:40,360
...moving in with Stuart.
243
00:10:40,395 --> 00:10:41,997
What? What?
244
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:43,565
Yeah, what? Eh?
245
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:44,720
Aren't we, Stuart?
246
00:10:44,755 --> 00:10:46,765
Um... Yeah.
247
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,760
Stuart! When were you planning
on asking me?
248
00:10:49,795 --> 00:10:51,925
Um... Now?
249
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:55,160
Right. So, not only do you expect me
to live under the same roof
250
00:10:55,195 --> 00:10:56,365
as your deviant father,
251
00:10:56,400 --> 00:11:00,200
now you're moving in your ex-wife,
and your daughter, who hates me.
252
00:11:00,235 --> 00:11:02,205
She does not. Yes, she does.
253
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:04,960
It will just be for a couple of
weeks until we get something sorted.
254
00:11:04,995 --> 00:11:06,285
Well, where are you going to sleep?
255
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,365
I'll take the sofa.
You won't even notice I'm there.
256
00:11:08,400 --> 00:11:10,920
Please just come back to stay,
Fundy. He hasn't even got a wet room.
257
00:11:10,955 --> 00:11:12,045
Urgh.
258
00:11:12,080 --> 00:11:13,765
I'm not going back
to that shitty old room!
259
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:16,840
No, you're bloody not,
because it's my yoga room.
260
00:11:16,875 --> 00:11:18,085
It's my room!
261
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:20,480
Apes, there's heaps of space
at my summer house.
262
00:11:20,515 --> 00:11:22,480
Fuck this!
Madonna!
263
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,005
Oh, great! Thanks, April.
264
00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,160
Well, if you'd been a better
mother...
265
00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:30,405
How dare you!
266
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,365
I'm just going to...
I'm just saying.
267
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,165
Can someone go and get her?
She's got the key.
268
00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:36,925
You're a fine one to talk
about motherhood! APRIL: Meaning?
269
00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,920
You don't even know who the father
of your own daughter is! I do.
270
00:11:39,955 --> 00:11:43,040
I'm 90% sure it's Stuart!
How much more positive can I be?
271
00:11:43,075 --> 00:11:44,685
You told Stuart 95%!
272
00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:47,520
90, 95- what's the difference?
273
00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,160
All right, Stu?
274
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,120
Not going to hit me, are you?
275
00:12:57,720 --> 00:13:01,045
I need your kidney.
Ah, yeah, about that...
276
00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:04,440
The doctor says you're a perfect match.
Yeah, well, that is medically correct,
277
00:13:04,475 --> 00:13:06,760
but I'm afraid
it's a bit of a "no can do".
278
00:13:06,795 --> 00:13:08,725
What are you talking about?
279
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,200
Well, things have escalated slightly
in my absence.
280
00:13:12,235 --> 00:13:14,245
The Ponzi scheme ended up on
Crimewatch,
281
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:18,525
so it turns out yours truly
is public enemy numero uno.
282
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:21,680
Although I've got to say the
Photofit did make me look quite suave.
283
00:13:21,715 --> 00:13:23,525
What's any of this
got to do with your kidney?
284
00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,360
Well, if I have an operation,
my name will pop up everywhere.
285
00:13:26,395 --> 00:13:28,160
This place will be crawling with
police
286
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:34,845
Hang on. Does Dad know you're here?
287
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,605
Yeah, course. Been here since he
arrived.
288
00:13:37,640 --> 00:13:41,560
Well, somebody's got to look after him,
and this is a pretty good hiding place.
289
00:13:42,640 --> 00:13:43,960
Agh! Mind my scrubs!
290
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:47,880
You practically live with us
anyway. No wonder Ted left you!
291
00:13:47,915 --> 00:13:49,920
I left him!
Oh, did you? Dad.
292
00:13:49,955 --> 00:13:51,880
Oh, hello, Charlie.
293
00:13:51,915 --> 00:13:53,805
Where have you...?
294
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,040
Don't bother. I know you've been
hiding him in the bogs.
295
00:13:56,075 --> 00:13:58,765
Oh, God!
You're not moving into my yoga room!
296
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,400
How could you do this to me?
I do everything for you.
297
00:14:01,435 --> 00:14:03,320
I was the only one there for you
when Mum left.
298
00:14:03,355 --> 00:14:04,920
But you always stick up for Charlie.
299
00:14:04,955 --> 00:14:06,520
Why, Dad?
300
00:14:09,920 --> 00:14:11,645
Because you can take it.
301
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:15,520
No, I can't. I've got IBS.
I get night terrors.
302
00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:17,165
He does. Awful sweats.
303
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,080
Used to be acid reflux. Still is.
304
00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:22,960
Stuart, Charlie's the sensitive one.
305
00:14:22,995 --> 00:14:24,157
No, he's not.
306
00:14:24,192 --> 00:14:25,285
Yes, I am!
307
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,125
I read books, I eat...olives.
308
00:14:27,160 --> 00:14:32,160
Oh, Charlie! You're not really going
to let Stuart do this, are you?
309
00:14:32,195 --> 00:14:33,645
I might get arrested.
310
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,840
Don't you think it's about time
you turned yourself in?
311
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,605
Don't think that hasn't crossed my
mind.
312
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,440
Actually, I'm not sure
it has crossed my mind.
313
00:14:41,475 --> 00:14:44,240
If he gets nicked now,
he'll be away for years.
314
00:14:44,275 --> 00:14:46,400
And I haven't got long left, so...
315
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,920
I'm begging you, son, please.
316
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,360
Please give us your kidney.
317
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,240
Well, this has backfired.
I was trying to be romantic.
318
00:15:07,275 --> 00:15:09,400
Can someone get Madonna to unlock
me, please?
319
00:15:09,435 --> 00:15:11,760
What a family! Humpy!
320
00:15:13,760 --> 00:15:15,600
I'll go and find her.
321
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:45,640
All right?
322
00:15:45,675 --> 00:15:47,845
What?
323
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:49,920
What are you listening to?
324
00:15:49,955 --> 00:15:51,360
Seeping Meat.
325
00:15:51,395 --> 00:15:52,520
Cool.
326
00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:56,165
You OK?
327
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,840
I don't want to talk about it.
328
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:02,880
Your Uncle Charlie's turned up.
329
00:16:02,915 --> 00:16:04,800
So?
330
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,205
If...
331
00:16:11,240 --> 00:16:15,680
If Charlie did it, then...he'd be
arrested and go to prison and...
332
00:16:16,800 --> 00:16:19,560
I'm just taking one for the family.
333
00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:21,160
What do you want, Dad?
334
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,360
Right.
335
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:38,440
Why do you do it?
336
00:16:38,475 --> 00:16:39,725
Do what?
337
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:41,040
Let everyone shit on you.
338
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:45,120
I don't.
Yes, you do.
339
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,240
Yeah, I do.
340
00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:53,480
Thanks for saving Grandad.
341
00:16:56,080 --> 00:16:58,005
No.
342
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,960
Yep, fine.
343
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:17,525
Well? There's no key.
344
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:21,320
What do you mean, there's no key?
There's no key. She lost it.
345
00:17:21,355 --> 00:17:23,777
Can't you do something, Charlie?
Oh!
346
00:17:23,812 --> 00:17:26,165
Oh, I see. Just cos I've been
inside,
347
00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,600
you think I know how to pick a lock?
Well, don't you?
348
00:17:29,635 --> 00:17:31,080
Give us a minute.
349
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:36,880
Um, just checking to see
that he's still alive.
350
00:17:36,915 --> 00:17:39,005
And he is. So...
351
00:17:39,040 --> 00:17:40,600
Great work. Keep it up.
352
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:45,040
Mr Hooper. Quick chat?
353
00:17:45,075 --> 00:17:46,400
Here we go.
354
00:17:53,320 --> 00:17:56,600
So, had your test results back,
and you are indeed a match,
355
00:17:56,635 --> 00:17:58,520
so we can go ahead with the
transplant.
356
00:17:58,555 --> 00:18:00,005
OK. It's lucky, really.
357
00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:03,600
In these situations when you're not a
blood relative, a match is far more rare.
358
00:18:03,635 --> 00:18:05,480
Right.
There'll be a few more tests.
359
00:18:05,515 --> 00:18:07,045
Just some routine stuff.
360
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:09,520
But we'll get you on a ward straight
away, so you might want to ask
361
00:18:09,555 --> 00:18:13,040
someone to pop home and pick up a
toothbrush and a good book.
362
00:18:13,075 --> 00:18:14,365
What did you say?
363
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,760
Toothbrush. And a good book.
364
00:18:16,795 --> 00:18:18,165
Before that.
365
00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,405
Routine checks. Before that.
366
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:25,520
It's...lucky you're a match, considering
you and Mr Hooper aren't...related.
367
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:30,760
You don't know, do you?
368
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,805
I'm so sorry. I thought you...
369
00:18:35,840 --> 00:18:39,400
The blood test also determines
paternity. Did the doctor not explain?
370
00:18:43,520 --> 00:18:44,680
OK.
371
00:18:45,720 --> 00:18:47,485
Well...
372
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,560
I...need...to...
373
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:52,760
...speak to my union representative.
374
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,240
Everything OK?
375
00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,040
Stuart?
376
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:33,565
Oh. Yeah.
377
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:36,080
I'm a match, so...
378
00:19:36,115 --> 00:19:37,845
Oh.
379
00:19:37,880 --> 00:19:39,400
Well, that's great news.
380
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,600
...it's going to be fine.
381
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,280
Is it?
382
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:04,320
Do you want to talk?
383
00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,960
I feel like I'm losing something.
384
00:20:08,995 --> 00:20:10,240
You've got another one.
385
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,280
Probably.
386
00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:22,200
Do you remember that time we had
oysters and you ended up in A&E?
387
00:20:22,235 --> 00:20:26,280
They said it was the worst case
of food poisoning they'd ever seen.
388
00:20:26,315 --> 00:20:27,800
It was pretty bad.
389
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:30,520
We had to scrap the car.
390
00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:38,520
Can I be honest with you, Stuart?
391
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,360
Yeah. Course.
392
00:20:44,120 --> 00:20:46,160
That tash...
393
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:48,640
I know.
394
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:53,960
What the fuck's that?
395
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:04,720
Charlie.
396
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:07,845
Charlie!
397
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:12,800
What did they say, son?
398
00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:16,240
They told me...
399
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,560
...I'm a match.
400
00:21:23,595 --> 00:21:25,205
That's my boy.
401
00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:27,445
Well done, Daddy Bear.
Can I crack on?
402
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:30,200
If anyone needs their legs amputating,
they're going to be looking for this.
403
00:21:30,235 --> 00:21:31,920
Yeah, hurry up.
404
00:21:31,955 --> 00:21:33,925
Come on!
405
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,045
Hold still.
I am holding still!
406
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,920
Can you keep it down, please?
I can't hear my bloody phone!
407
00:21:38,955 --> 00:21:42,240
Guys. Come on! Stop fidgeting!
Guys!
408
00:21:42,275 --> 00:21:43,640
That's him.
409
00:21:43,675 --> 00:21:44,840
Fuck!
410
00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,540
You've cut my thumb off!
411
00:21:50,575 --> 00:21:52,307
Oh, my God, Ted!
412
00:21:52,342 --> 00:21:54,005
Not again! Guys!
413
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,120
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up.
I'm through.
414
00:21:56,155 --> 00:21:58,540
I've found the key!
415
00:21:58,575 --> 00:22:00,925
Stuart, I'm through.
416
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,560
Yeah. April Long-Carrington.
417
00:22:03,595 --> 00:22:06,160
Yes. Yep. Long-Carrington.
418
00:22:06,195 --> 00:22:07,565
Ted.
419
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,205
Yes.
Oh, God, not the other one!
420
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,960
Get off me! I'm a fully qualified
nurse!
421
00:22:12,995 --> 00:22:15,080
Hooper-Roehampton paternity results.
422
00:22:15,115 --> 00:22:16,617
Come on, Apes.
423
00:22:16,652 --> 00:22:18,085
Right, OK.
424
00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,860
You're bleeding on my slippers!
425
00:22:20,895 --> 00:22:23,600
OK. And that's 100%, is it?
426
00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:24,760
Well?
427
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:27,280
OK.
428
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,640
I'm so sorry, Stuart.
429
00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,005
Yep.
430
00:22:44,360 --> 00:22:46,800
Will the owner of a green
Skoda Octavia -
431
00:22:46,835 --> 00:22:49,125
registration number DG 5TU -
432
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,240
please make your way to the
front entrance,
433
00:22:51,275 --> 00:22:52,800
as your car is being towed?
434
00:22:52,835 --> 00:22:54,120
Thank you.
435
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,120
# I'm a nothing man
436
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,160
# I never had a chance
437
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,800
# I'm a nothing man
438
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,720
# It never was my fault
439
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:18,640
# I'm a nothing man
440
00:23:21,880 --> 00:23:23,840
# I'm a nothing man. #
31509
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