All language subtitles for Quality Problems (2017) [1080p] WEBRip [filmxy.vip]-resync

- Go.

- Happy birthday Dad,
this song is for you.

♪ Oh yeah, it's only
to be yourself ♪

♪ And even it's so boring
to be different people. ♪

♪ So need to have
yourself be different ♪

♪ But if you're honest then ♪

♪ You can't be the
same as everyone else ♪

♪ Oh yeah but if
everyone was the same ♪

♪ No one would like it ♪

♪ It would be no fun ♪

♪ Oh yeah, be different,
it would be fun ♪

- Happy birthday Dada.

- We love you.

- Love you.

- Yeah, no those
are Mommy's old fake boobies

that she would put in her bra.

Now show me what they've become.

♪ Yeah I feel free, ♪

♪ Free, free ♪

♪ Sunrise to a brand new day ♪

♪ Bright eyes light up the way ♪

♪ Yeah as far as I can see ♪

♪ Yeah I'm free, free, free ♪

- Go.

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ To love is to live ♪

♪ I got more than I could ♪

♪ Ever want ♪
- Alright, again.

♪ And this is it ♪

- Yeah, Doc I understand that.

No, no, I got the
message, I just...

Do you know what stage?

Is there...

Well is there, is there
a biopsy or not a biopsy?

Okay, uh.

Alright, I just,
okay I can't...

No I understand what
you're saying, I just...

No I haven't talked to--

- Hey idiot, hang up
the phone and drive!

- Are you kidding me?

Hey!

- Lady--

- How did that feel?
- Alright, alright,

lady why don't
you just go back--

- No, no, no, no,
how did it feel

to drive like a douche
bag, cut off somebody

and flip off a
mom in a mini van.

That feel good to you?
- Yeah, nice and cathartic,

real cathartic for me, yeah.
- Oh, good, good, good.

I'm glad we could
work that out for you.

- Alright now go back
to the PTA meeting,

go back, no one cares--
- I'm not on the PTA!

I'm not even on Booster!

I used to be punk rock
- We're done,

bye.
- Mr. Shitty, shit,

shitter, shitty shit ass.
- Goodbye, goodbye.

- Bag of shit, fart sniffing.
- Goodbye, goodbye.

- No, not today, not today.

- What?

Hey, get--
- Today's the day

that you listen--

You don't get to treat
people like crap anymore!

- Uh ma'am, excuse me.

- What! What!

- Are you alright?

Do you need anything?

- No, Mr. Helper, I'm
not actually alright.

I happen to have cancer again!

Cancer!
- Shit.

- Stop hurting
people's feelings.

Look out!

I'm fine.

- Hey, Mama.

- Hi, guys.

- Max, stop it.

Max!

Stop it, Max.
- Mom.

- Mom.

You're stupid.

- You're stupid.
- Are you leaving or staying?

Hello?

Excuse me, I said are you
leaving or are you staying?

- You need to shut the fuck up.

- Mom!

- Mom,
that's a bad word.

That's like five bucks.
- That's the worst one.

- I know, I know.

- Hi.
- What's up?

- What's up?
- How you doing?

Good day at school?

- Hey Dad.
- Hi, how are you?

- Good.
- How was your day, good?

Good, ah, no, mine.

What's up, how was your day?

- Good but Nikki's party's
on the same day as my party

and Nikki says everybody's
gonna go to her party

and nobody's gonna
go to my party,

and Nikki says I
smell like old soup.

- You don't smell like old soup
and Nikki's an idiot, okay?

I love you.

- Hey, there's my Ozzie!

- Oh honey, no
not with the Ozzie.

- No, no, don't honey please.

Please don't, just
don't turn him on.

Don't turn him on.
- Yeah just mute it.

Don't turn them on.

- You okay?

- Uh, your mom, your mom called.

- Okay.

- She called and
you should call her.

And I need a handle on
the door of the garage.

I can't close it without a
handle, I don't have a handle.

- Okay.

Guys, please!

Enough, the Ozzies inside.

Jesus.

- It's back.

- What?

What's back?

- Cancer.

Recurrence.

Left breast this time.

- How?

You guys okay?

Babe?

Hey babe?

- These floorboards
are disgusting.

Like, crazy mold, dirty, spores.

- Hey, hon?

The phone, the doctor.

Do you want to talk?

I am using dulcet
tones in order to

soothe you away from
your OCD psychotic break.

- That was Dad's neighbor.

He met her a thousand times.

- Was it perfume lady or
the clickety clack teeth?

- The teeth.

Yeah she said Dad's
been gone all night.

He left around four a.m.
and his door's open.

Where are my keys?

- I don't know.

- Of course you don't know.

But maybe if you

maybe looked left or right
and helped me find them.

Why are you putting hands on
me like a creepy spa attendant?

- These are my dulcet hands.

I'm trying to soothe
you with dulcet hands.

- I have to go find him.

- Nope, I've got it, okay?

- No, no, no, no, I
know all his places.

And you have to get
Scout's cake, okay?

And no princesses, okay?

She's already furious enough
without being relegated

to some female stereotype.

You might wanna pass
that on to your mom

with her makeup and
the heels and all that.

- Babe, babe, cake?

- Oh, cake, um.

In the book there are
pictures, just flip through.

Point to the picture that
you want and order that

but only order it
from Josh, the chef.

- Josh.
- The chef.

The chef.
- Chef.

- Josh, yes.

- No princesses.

- You're it.

Can you clean up around here?

It's just looking a little--

- Wait, seriously what's up?

How are you? What's going on?

- I gotta go get Dad.

I don't know, I don't know.

I'm kind of shocky right
now so I'm going with it.

I'm worried about Dad.

He's worse every day, he's
wandering, he's repeating.

And the boobs, here we go
again, freakin' Groundhog Day.

- You owe me a dollar.

- Oh, freakin' doesn't count.

You're it.

- Yeah, it, it has,

it's been about three
months since that invoice.

If you could get that out to me,

I'd really, really
appreciate it, okay?

Guys, really, really?

Just, you're gonna get me
arrested with all this water.

Hey Jim!

Yeah, it's true.

How are you?

Pay me.

I'm kidding, not
really, I mean...

Yeah if you could, uh, you could
send a check sometime soon.

I was just joking
around but I do kind of

need you to send that,
it's been a few months.

Guys really, just try to
get some soap on the car.

I like the whole thing,
no not you, I'm watching,

I'm at a car wash.

Okay, thanks.

You guys are the worst
car washers in the world.

- Jesus Christ.

Pop.

Hey.

You okay? It's me.

- Oh hi.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hi.

Buckle up, safety.

- This car is quiet,

this is great,
this is fantastic.

- Alright, you good?

- Yeah, it's
good to see you.

- It's good to see you
too, Pop, let's go home.

- Where are we going?

- Home.

- Okay.

- What's that?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, buddy you gotta reduce
the fractions there and there.

- No, no, that's not
the way he's telling us

because he says we have to--
- I'm on the phone,

I'm on the phone, on the phone.

- Well you're doing it wrong.

- Tell me something
I don't know.

- Tone.

- Really?
- Max, stop being a cop.

- No, yeah I
understand, I get it.

Just in the future if there's
any other work that you had,

I would be open to, can you
hold on just one second pl-,

Hello?

Hey, babe?

- Oh my god, this place hon,

it's like Three Gardens
meets Martha Stewart.

No, it's really
bad, it's horrible.

Oh, no.

These are bills.

These are all bills,
these are bills.

How long have you had these?

Oh, god.

No babe, I gotta call you
back, I gotta call you back.

Oh wait, wait, wait, you
gotta get the cake today,

you gotta get the cake today.

Pop!

You have to order it today
or it won't be ready in time.

Fine, I'll call Paula.

Yeah.

No, she'll come watch the
kids, I'll call Paula.

I'm gonna call her,
I'm gonna call her,

I'm calling her, calling her
right now you can't stop me,

you can't stop me,
okay I love you, bye.

- Dad?

- Hey, I'm good, I'm
good, don't worry.

- If I'm done,
can I play guitar?

- Yeah.

- What?

- I gotta go on an errand, okay?

Are you okay with Auntie
Paula coming over?

- Yeah, she paints my
nails and talks about boys.

- You do know that Auntie Paula
is not your real aunt right?

- Yeah, she's Mommy's
bestie after you.

- You also know that
she's crazy, right?

- She says you have
issues, what's that?

- Well that's something I'm
gonna talk to her about later.

Hey, are you the smartest
girl in the world?

- Says you.

- And do
boys think you ruin

all your stuffed animals?

- Says you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- Well that was quick.

Did you hear there was
a one dollar special

on well drinks here?

- Oh hey, captain tool.

I live two doors down, I
could be here in a heartbeat.

How is she?

- She's Bailey, she's excellent.

- Yeah I know, she barely
could get a sentence out

on the phone between all the
ice munching so, not okay.

You know that right?

- Yes I know that.

Like I know about the auto
renewal on your Eharmony account.

Don't kill my kids.

- Try not to screw
up everything.

Scoutie.

- Hi, Paula.

- I brought lip gloss
and my old retainer.

- Is that good or bad?

- You gotta
be kidding me.

- Uh, excuse me.

We're waiting here.

You can't cut the line.
- No cuts.

- I'm just...

So this is, this is the line?

This is the line to get a cake?

- Yeah.

- It is, and the
end is over there.

- Are you serious?

Over there?
- Over there, yeah.

- Oh, here!

- Mm-hmm.

- Tourist.

- Dickhead.

No, no, no, no, no, don't do it.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

- But this is the line
for the fancy cake?

- Yeah, this is the
line for the cakes.

Careful, you do not want to cut,

they're crazy about cuts, okay?

- Okay, but this is the
line for the fancy cake?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, okay.

I have a daughter,
five years old.

- Yeah.

- All she want is a
Penelope Power Princess cake

and the guy who owns
this place, um...

- Josh?

- Josh, yes, him!

I read that he's the
best for these cakes.

- Yeah?

- My mom and me, we've
been saving money

for months to buy her cake.

She's gonna be so happy.

- She's gonna love it.
- Bakery's closing

in five minutes, if you're here
to pick up, raise your hand.

We'll be taking
five more new orders

and the rest are on Monday.

- Are you kidding,
there's six people.

You can get one more, right?

- Five more orders.

- Are you serious?

One more?

Do you wanna go ahead of me?

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Go get that cake.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome,

get in there.
- Thank you so much.

Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Hello.

Hi.

- Hola.

- Hola.

Do you speak English?

Espanol?

Si'.

Oh, uhhh, je mappelle-uhhh,
como se llama, Drew.

- Drew?
- Drew.

- Okay.

- I want to order a
cake, uh cake-o, cake-o.

Cake-o.

Feliz coplianos!

- Ahhh! La torta por las cumpleanos?
- Si, si, si, si.

Perfect, sounds great.

I got this, it's like 20, $20.

Si, you just give it to them.
Uhh mas?

I know it's more,
I know it's more.

I know, I know, you
pay in full, si?

Okay, okay.

Un momento? Un momento?

I come right back.
- Si.

Horale'. Hello?

Mas money, but for you,

You like it?

- Si.

- For you.

- Gracias.

- And cake.

Torta you say,
si?

Perfect.

Para feliz
cumpleanos cake,

My daughter, my nina,

She's...

Strong.

Ahh fuerte'.

Fuerte! But sweet.

Ahh dulce'

So, por the torta.

No princessa, everyone
says for girls--

- Princessa?

- No, no princess.

- Frozen,

let it go, let it go.
- Frozen, yeah.

Okay, um.

Uh-huh, yeah, something
like that but eh,

poquito princess.

Good princess like Amelia
Earhart, Rosita Riveter.

- Si.
- Si.

No, no, no princess.

A little bit princessa,

a little bit pero.

Tu nina es poquito princessa,
poquito pero?

- No.
- Si, si, si, si.

And chocolate.

- Ah, La TORTA de chocolate!

- Yeah, the torta.

No, not my
nina is the pero.

So. The torta with the pero,
in chocolate.

Un pero de chocolate', un torta
por la nina que una princessa.

Si, so easy.

Gracias.

Gracias.

Okay, thank you.

- I just sorta wish one of them
would get me to stop eating.

- Hey, hon.

You okay? Kids asleep?

- Yep, 20 minutes
ago, you're welcome.

- How are you?

- I'm
totally checked out

but Vicodin is neat,
and so is that.

- Mm, okay I got dinner.

What do you want, I can--

- Already handled, I made stew.

Mommy and shorties
are all happy and fed.

And there's some
leftovers for you.

I didn't keep it hot
because I didn't know

what time you'd get home, so.

- Well it smells
incredible Paula.

Did you brew this up in your
passive aggressive cauldron?

- Hey did you um...

- I did.

- And Josh
understood everything?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hon, you spoke to
Josh directly, right?

- Sure, kind of.

- Oh.

I told you, remember I
told you specifically,

talk to Josh directly?

Remember when I
said specifically--

- I went there and I ordered
it from Josh's assistant

and he took the order and
it's great and it's fine

and he said it's
gonna be perfect.

- Oh no Drew, I told
you, I told you--

- Will you just
trust me, please?

- Fine.

Fine.

- Seriously? That's it?

That is a lame fight.

- Before I forget, how is the
dating scene treating you?

- You are
a bad, mean man.

Can you get me some ice?

- I am in like if you
must know and he's amazing

and intelligent
and has a real job.

Thank you.

- So, ancient.

- Mature.

- You know what honey,
he sounds great.

He sounds great, don't you
play along with him, okay?

Could you maybe get me some ice?

- I will call you
in the morning.

I love you, you gorgeous
obviously blind midget.

You call me if
you need anything.

Good night, you giant
strapping hemorrhoid.

- Honestly Paula,
thank you so much

for taking care of her for me.

- I always do.

- Oh also, before I forget.

What kind of women over the
age of 40 gets the clap anyway?

- Oh my god.

- It was a bladder infection.

And could you, you,

You possibly one
time not tell him

everything that I tell you.

- I'm an idiot.

- Yeah but you're entertaining

and you have really
pretty kids so

I forgive you, I love you.

- Love you.

- Hey.

Hey.

How are you?

For real, I mean you okay?

Hon, we need to kind of
talk about this stuff.

- Can I just postpone
all the feeling stuff

and give you all these
lists and tasks and duties?

- You said duties.

- Okay, moving on.

So listen I'm about to get
hijacked by all this doctor crap

so can you maybe take off
tomorrow, maybe Thursday,

take the kids and
take care of all this?

- Okay here's the thing.

I was lining up work
for the next few days

and I was just thinking that...

Never mind.

- You're gonna work
my cancer away.

- No, no, I mean maybe.

I, I...

Do you remember the
bills last time?

- Yeah.

- Forget I even said that.
- Okay, yeah.

I need you, this is
where I need you.

You are serving a
greater purpose.

You are helping me and
the universe, okay?

Please just please? Please?

- Yes.

- Okay good.

I still have to hire
a live-in for Dad

and we still have to book
Popo, get the decorations,

there's a cake maybe.
- I did that.

- Okay, maybe a backup or two.

Not to mention everything
around here like the cleaning

and the shopping
and the laundry.

- Hey wait a second,
who's Poopoo?

- Popo, the puppy wrangler.

- What?

Puppies, why?

- It's what Scout wanted, we
talked about this, I told you.

- No, well, we have
two dogs, what--

- It's what Scout want-,

just listen, just listen.

I need you, okay?

This couldn't have
happened at a worse time

and I have to try
and get through this

and I have to do it now.

Can you please get me some ice?

- Look hon, I think we should
just postpone the party.

- I'm not gonna p--

I don't wanna p--

I'm not gonna postpone.

No, I'm not postponing, I'm not.

The invites already went
out, people are ready,

it is in less than two weeks.

I need to obsess on this.

I'm not gonna let this
hijack my life again, okay?

Can you please just understand?

- Yes.

And I love you.

And I will continue to love you

after you crack all
those teeth in half.

- I need to end this day.

- Okay well you know what?

I have a remedy for that.

- No, no.
- Yeah,

I think we just need
to do our thing.

- It's not a thing,
stop with the thing.

- Isn't it magical?

- It's magical, honey.

- It's the
healing power of dance.

- Mm-hmm.

That's super, mm-hmm.

- You like that?
- Yeah, I like it.

- I'm curing you.

- You're not curing
me, but I love you.

You're very cute.
- I love you.

- I'm going to bed.

- I'll be in in a bit.

It's a lovely thing we got

going on here.
- It's not a thing.

- Hi.

- Hi.

- I love you.

How do you feel?

- A little anxious.

Kind of sleepy.

How do you feel?

- In love with you.

- Ugh, Boo pooped,
pooped, pooped on the rug.

- Okay, alright.
- Come on.

- Alright come here,
I cleaned it,

but it just,
- No, no, no, no, no,

sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.
- Stinks in there.

- Come on Boo,

come on.
- Max you gotta get dressed.

Alright honey,
did you oversleep?

- Yeah I overslept,
overslept a little bit, okay?

I'm sorry.

- What's that?

What's that, I don't
even know what that is.

That's like fish?

- Fish?

- I don't know.
- We haven't had fish lately.

- Okay listen honey,
I got a list for you,

okay, it's--
- Do you need that for school?

- Anal and it's irritating
and it's, I'm sorry.

- What's anal?

- Anal means bossy,
honey, and poison.

So just don't ever say it.
- Don't worry about it.

- And run if you hear
anyone else say it to you.

Hey hon, I gotta poo,
have you got this?

- No Romeo, I do not,
I have camp now and

we got a whole bunch
of stuff to do.

If you just check
in during the day,

we have Dr. Daly at 11.

That's, mm, stuck,
that's not coming out.

- 11?

- Mom!

- Kids?

Go brush your teeth,
Max go brush your teeth.

- If she
wears flip flops

she's gonna get sent home.

- She will now wear
flip flops, okay?

Seriously hon, I was
gonna bid a job today.

Is there anything that could
wait aside from my poop?

- No honey, no.

Everything got pushed because
of the doctors appointments,

the pre-op stuff,
insurance calls.

- Okay fine, fine,
I'll see you at 11.

- Why are you yelling at me?

- Because I'm trying to
scare the poop back in.

- Yes, yes.
- No, no.

I'll trade you.

- No, that's all you.

That's all you and
you're hot.

- I don't feel too hot
right now, I feel horrible.

I love you.
- I love you.

- I'm strangely attracted
to you right now.

- You're so stinky.

I love you, get 'er done.

So good.

When you guys say next time
"I just wanna do crunches,"

and then I systematically
punch you all

in your whining faces, no
one gets to sue me, right?

- Ugh, fine.

- Yeah, whatever.

- Good.

- How many calories
does hate burn?

- Oh my god, everybody
up, up, kettles.

You're all gonna pay
for Debbie's naivety.

Let's go, kettles,
rip it, pull it.

So no class on Thursday, okay?

- Does anybody else pee
every time we do jacks?

- I just do it preemptively
now when I get out of the car.

- Hang on wait, why is
there no class on Thursday?

I mean not that I
don't need a break.

- Me too, plus I
have to do taxes.

- What? What's going on?

- Yeah, you either
binged on kids cereal

or there's something wrong.

- Okay I might have a touch
of recurrent boob cancer.

It's not a big deal.

- God seriously?

I was just whining
about my wrist.

- It's fine.
- Somebody, anybody,

kick me in my vagina
right now.

- It's fine, I got it,
it's fine, seriously.

There's no caloric
burn in vagina kicking.

You guys.
- Oh crap.

The big party,
you're gonna have to

postpone.
- No, no, no.

- Do you need help? We can--
- No, oh my god.

Drew's got it.

- Of course he does.

- Yes, right.
- What about...

What about that
duct tape incident?

- Okay see now's
the time for the

vagina kicking.
- It's fine, seriously.

It's fine, he's got it, okay?

Now we exercise because this
is like an intervention.

It's super uncomfortable.

Come on, I gave him a list.

He's got the list
and it's going to be

perfect and amazing and right.

He's got this, he's a big boy.

- You're gonna pass out.

Or crap your pants.

Listen.

Stop.

- No we have not talked about

what your cancer
does to my balls.

See, they've become slightly

engorged.
- Oh my god.

Oh my god, you forgot the word.

- No, it's a different--
- You just--

- No, it's the Latin term,
it's testiculus bigness.

- Stop.

- See, it's, and
they're misshapen.

I can't even go on, hey.

Hello Drew.

- Hi.

- Yeah you're looking good.

- Thank you.

- How are you?

- This is,

- No, it's good to see you guys

are dealing as well as always.

- We're doing fine.

I have breast
implants in my balls.

- Well why don't
you get up here?

And why don't you
drag those over here.

- Can I get a referral
for something?

- Certainly,
I'll write that up.

Well, so listen.

The biopsy results came
back and it's HER2/neu.

- Wait, so is that
better or worse?

- Oh no, it's the
same aggressive cancer

we found in Bailey's
right breast.

But this time we
found it sooner.

Still, we know how
quickly this travels.

I would like to
move the surgery up.

- Fine let's do it.
- We have Scout's party.

We have Scout's party.

- Are you kidding?

- This isn't a go away
and think about it

kind of thing, Bailey.

This is a seconds
and inches situation.

I wanna get you in next week.

We'll go with the mastectomy,
we'll test the nodes,

and then immediate
reconstruction and augmentation.

- Next week?
- Next week.

- Yeah, postpone the party.

- Wait, wait, no.
- Yes.

- We can do
both, we can do both.

We can do the surgery
and the party.

- No honey, we just--
- We got this.

- Fine, we'll do it
next Monday then.

I should be sober and
I believe my license

is good through the
end of the month.

So pretty
lucky all around.

- One week.
- One week.

- We'll just get
creative, right?

Let's make it
happen, we got this.

Pop?

Pop?

Pop?

- What's that?

Where'd the band go?

- Uh, they...

Oh, okay, um.

Hey.
- Oh.

How you doing, Clyde?

- I'm doing
great, gorgeous, come on.

Swing your hips.

Drop it, okay last thing.

- Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop.
- Away from your young,

baby girl!

- You know me?

- Yes I know you, you
are my little fish.

- I'm your little fish.
- Come on little fish,

let's take a little swim, huh?

Let's put a swing in
the swim, flip that fin.

- You are the worst
finning shaking shark.

Oh.

- Pop, Pop!

- Don't worry, don't worry.

Freeze, just freeze.
- Why you pooping my party?

- I'm not, I'm not, it's okay.

We're just gonna move rooms.

- Okay, I'll get a
broom and towels.

- Okay,
good, good, good.

- Ow.
- Okay.

Okay, okay, okay,
just sit, sit, sit.

- Mama's gonna kill me
if I don't clean this up.

- No, no, no, I
got it, I got it, I got it.

Okay let me see, let
me see this one, okay.

- Momma's gonna kill me--

- No, it's okay, it's okay
Pop, it's okay, it's okay.

We'll tell her a story, okay?

There we go, alright.

- We have got
to get you to school.

- So you found
the place alright.

- Yeah,
directions were great.

- Well Felicia recommended you,

said you were quick,
reliable, one and done.

- That's what she said.

What'd she say.

- Right, anyway so I'll
need some specialty pieces.

- Really, well because my
specialty actually is woodwork.

I do a lot of notch work.

- I need display showing.

- Okay.

- Do you do any collecting?

- Like Elvis plates?

- No I'm thinking
fine collectibles.

You see, my wife has a rare

and precious cache
of collectibles

and we need display
shelving to showcase them.

You know, large, functional,
that won't distract the eye.

- That's what she said.

Sorry, that was involuntary.

- Takes your breath
away, doesn't it?

So I'll need wall to wall casing

with shelving made to
my exact specifications.

- Okay, he's all cleaned up.

He's in there watching Law and
Order, podiatry or some shit.

Glass is cleaned up,
feet are bandaged.

I took all the sharp knives out

and the knobs off the stove.

- God, that is so good.

Why is that so good?

Is it the chemicals?

- Yes.

Okay I have about 12 helpers
lined up for you to interview.

You can have them come
and go as you need

until you decide
where you wanna go.

We'll be fine.

- It's just that, um,

I can't tell him.

I can't fix him,
he can't fix me,

and he was the guy that I
would take everything to

to make better.

Now I'm screwed.

- See, you're not.

You've got coverage.

All of us.

Hell, Blue Cross is about to
pay for another perfect booby.

Perfect teat.

To make a matching new set.

Clyde's here.

He loves you like crazy.

He's still in there.

You just have to not claver.

Okay sweetie.

Come on, we gotta wrap this up.

I've got big plans for us.

- Oh no, no, no.

Oh my god if you take
me to some cheese bag,

desperate housewives
strip club, I will,

I will end you.

Did you just hurt yourself?

Don't, don't take me.

- Hey.

- Come in.
- Hey.

Come on in, buddy.

- Hey, what's up?

- What's up, buddy?
- Have a seat over here buddy.

Oh is this the
helicopter explosion one?

- No, diamond heist.

- Oh, and check out
the armor car, buddy.

Love that guy.

- You're an idiot.

- Six!

- What's with the number?

- Oh it's his acting teacher.

He's got him labeling all
his emotions with numbers.

Trying to enrich his work and
create a new process for him.

- His process.

- In the room, two.

- But how goes it with the
big birthday plan of attack?

- Pretty good, I'm prepping.

- Yeah.
- Oh, what's it say?

What is this?

- Popo? You got Popo?

- No, not yet, but...

I mean I'm calling him.

The puppy guy, right?

- Yeah, dude, Popo the
puppy master is booked

up to years in
advance here, okay?

- Are you kidding?
- Ever since he got

that free publicity for doing
Kanye's kid's birthday party,

he's the ticket in LA.

- Are you kidding?

He's a dog walker,
are you kidding me?

- Hey word has it
that Brangelina's

fifth orphan just
got turned down.

- Jesus.
- Yeah, I'm serious.

- He's not
gonna do her party.

- Hey, yes hello.

I was calling to see if I
could book Popo for a party.

Uh-huh.

A referral?

Of course I have a referral,
my wife told me to call.

- Okay look, you
have to tell them

that you're a celebrity
or your wife is,

or they won't pay
- Yeah,

you have to do this.
- Attention to you,

they'll never.

- Yeah, my wife referred me.

She's...

Bette Midler.

- Bette Midler?

She's like dead.
- Yep.

Hello? Hello?

It's not funny Keaton.

- Laughter?

- Yeah, little bit and
a pfft at the end too.

- You know what,
let's go right now.

Where is this, where's the--
- What are we gonna do?

- No, where's this
Poopy located?

- We're not gonna go meet
up someone named Poopy.

- Okay this is
not a seven Lance,

we have to handle this with a
little bit of finesse, okay?

We can't just tackle
this like an Olsen twin.

- That's great, that's
just, that's great.

- You totally clocked her man.

- You know what? I fell.

- On her.

- Look I can't even read half
of this chicken scratch, man.

Come on Drew,
what's your plan B?

- You mean after
Bailey castrates me?

- We need to find
some entertainment.

- Yeah, I know.

- Bro.

- What?

No, no.
- Bro.

- No, absolutely not.
- No, look at this.

Hey, here we go.

- Don't encourage him.

- See kids? They dig it.

Look at him.

Seriously, right Calvin?
- That's one kid.

- Keaton.

Keaton, yeah.
- Keaton.

I was close.

- Okay we got a
lot of stuff to do

and we don't have a
lot of time to do it

so let's saddle up.

- Boom, that's right Calvin!

- Keaton.
- Keaton.

- If we stick with the list,
we're gonna be totally fine.

- A viking party,
they could totally--

- Lance.

- Swords!

- Let it go.
- Ugh, five.

- Look I wasn't gonna agree
with him but that doesn't mean

we can't incorporate a
little bit of creativity.

- Frickin' incorporate.

- Seriously, I mean who
cares about this stuff?

Scout is not gonna care.

- Mommies care, Bailey cares.

You wanna pick here to
insert your creative license?

- What is that?

- It's for me, it's a taco.

- Just shut up.

Hey what's up man?

We need to get some balloons.

Four blue, four yellow,
and was it three...

Is that my nard puppy balloon?

Mine, three mine nard...

- Mylar.

- Mylar.

Three mylar puppy balloons.

- Yeah well
we're back ordered

on all the puppy mylars.

We're not expecting any
new stock until October.

- Okay can you
call another store?

- Well I can, but they won't.

There's been like a
total run on puppies

ever since the Puppy
Power Box Set release.

Some of that stuff
going for like

50 bucks pop on
Ebay last I checked.

- These?

- Yeah.

- Well what about
the display model?

- It's display only.

- I'll pay double.

- Display only.

- I'll pay even more.

Okay, hold on, guys,
guys, what do you got?

Put down the taco.

- Alright I got one.
- I gotta get to the ATM,

I've got a few singles.
- Two,

three,
- Can you guys stop

counting out loud?
- I got four.

- You do scratch offs?
- Hold on, I'm not done.

I got change, I got 64 cents.

Four dollars and 64 cents.

- One punch away
from a free sub.

- He doesn't want, okay
we got like 28 bucks.

$20 bucks, okay?

- Display only.

- Do you know any other words?

- Oh, oh, what
about a belt sander?

You look like a belt sander guy.

- Wait a second.

Aren't you that midget dude
who knocked out the Olsen twin?

Oh my god, hold
on, hold on, whoa, whoa.

Oh.

- Four.

- Okay, take all
this, take my wallet.

I got an idea,
I'll be right back.

- Okay.

You think we might be able
to get that display dog?

- No.

- How's it feel?

To be a dream crusher.

- Last time I watch
your horrible kids.

- Right?

Don't they suck?

I'm selling them.

- Market's right.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

This is all bullshit.

- Ooh, you
owe me a dollar.

- They each made like $17
off of me today, whatever.

You're gonna be fine, right?

Right?

- Yes, yes, everybody's fine.

Except Drew is improvising.

- How's he doing with all this?

- He's...

He's just...

I don't know.

Wow.

I suck.

- No, your boobs suck.

You suck and you suck.

Listen, everyone had snacks,

did homework, and
dug ditches for me.

- Alright, thanks again sweets.

You at camp tomorrow?

- I can't wait to pee in my
pants and barf up coffee.

Have fun with your sucky kids.

- Come here sucky
kids, come here.

- Oh, here we go.

- This is ridiculous,
you know that?

- Not if it works.
- Yeah.

- Thank you so much
for doing this man,

I really appreciate it.

Okay just go in
there, and don't talk,

and just be my big,
intimidating Black friend.

That's all you gotta do.

- What?

- Listen up, alright?

We need these damn balloons,

okay, alright?

Ooh.

What I'm saying is let
us have the balloons.

- She doesn't like ponies?

What every little kid likes,

oh, oh, nevermind, we got
it, puppies on the way.

I can't believe this.

I promise, I will never
ask you to do this again.

- Oh you are such a liar,
but I love your wife.

- Hey I need entertainment
for this party.

What are you doing this week?

I need a wing man.

- Mm-mm.
- Uh hello,

sitting right here.

- A Black super gay wing man.

- Ooh, you are so cute when
you're desperate, okay?

But no.

- You okay?

- Sure, can I have some milk?

- Yes, yes you can
have some milk.

You sure?

- Yeah.

- Alright.

Look at me.

Spill it.

Come here, come here.

One, two, three,
oh my god.

Okay, you know that I
will hunt and torture you

until you give in, so.

- I know about Santa.

- Oh.

Who squealed?

- Kids talk about it at school,
but I came to it on my own.

Don't go after anyone, okay?

- Okay.

- I've known for
a while, I just,

I didn't want you to be sad.

I don't know why I'm
so sad right now.

- Oh baby.

Okay.

- I'm right, right?

- Alright I know that
it's hard sometimes,

this growing up thing.

But I want, I need you to know

that there is beauty and
magic in the world, okay?

There are things
of mystery and awe

everywhere you look and go.

- Mm-hmm.

Like aliens and Sasquatch
and the black hole.

- Yeah, yeah.

And sunrises and hope
and human kindness.

Can you trust me that
this is important?

That I need you to fight, okay?

To always believe in that, okay?

- Mm-hmm, I get it.

- Alright, can you just
hug me for a second?

- I heard you talking
to Aunt Paula.

I know the cancer's back.

- Oh babe.

Is that what all this Santa,
I'm a big guy stuff is about?

- Kinda, I just want you
to know I can handle it.

I'll be okay.

You were okay last time.

You'll be okay this time, right?

- Yes.

I'm gonna be okay.

Look at me, I'm gonna be fine.

- Okay.

- Alright, trust me,
I'm gonna be fine.

Oh my god.

- Can I play video games now?

- Yes, I get
five more seconds.

- Five.

- Okay.

Okay, get out of here.

- Okay, I thought
this was gonna be fun.

Get that away from, that
doesn't have a face.

I don't want, I'm
not looking at it.

- Lance.
- No.

- Lance.
- No,

I can't.
- Come here Lance.

- We need to go.

- I know.
- Right now, I can't.

Now, because I can't.

Stop.

- Come on,

come on, he loves it.
- I'm serious, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna punch you in the face.

Okay everything
about that was wrong.

Seriously, are you getting
paid like a lot to do this?

- Money's alright.

Weird thing is that guy,
he's not even married.

- Ew.

Are you like, I mean okay
with Bailey and all the...

- Oh yeah, yeah, I'm,

I mean as good as can
be expected, right?

- Because I mean if
you ever, you need to

talk or I don't know, uh,

I can listen or whatever.

Because you probably
are thinking about some

pretty horrible stuff, I mean.

I bet you can think of things
that are like the worst

possible scenarios.

This is kind of an
Alan thing, isn't it?

- Yep.

- Do you wanna hug or?

- Nope.

- Shotgun.

- You know honey I
have no idea where Scout is.

- I really wanted to
see if I could find her

because I need to
give her a tickle.

Rahh.

You like that, you like that?

- Dada you must
tickle the child.

- No I must wash the
stink from my body.

- Yeah, honey come on
were not done here.

You gotta finish.

- Let me go say hi to boy,

then I'll come share
my stink with you.

- Uh, goodie.

Hold on babe.

Max overheard Paula
on the phone today

and he knows all about...

We talked and Scout still...

- How'd it go?

- He's processing.

- Wonder where he gets it from.

- Shut up, go bouncing.

- Dad, watch.

- Nice.

Hey buddy, come here.

I wanna talk to you.

Hey so I heard you
talked to Mom today.

You okay?

- I guess.

- You know your mom's
like the strongest woman

in the world, right?

- Mm-hmm.

- She's not going anywhere.

Do you get that?

- Yeah.

- It's just this
cancer thing is just

one big old pain in the butt.

Or boob.

- Is Mom okay with Grandpa

and all this stuff
that's going on?

- Your Mom has a very specific
way of dealing with things.

Like you.

- Did you see that?

- Yes, do you
wanna do it again?

- Please?
- One more time, big man.

- Hi, Scoutie.

- Hi Dada.

Hey babe, can you
get this for me?

- Yeah.

Oh my god, you look so hot.

You should stay home, we
should do it right now.

What is this?
- A zipper.

- Oh.

- It's weird actually
looking at them.

- I know right?

Look at Scout, she's
like a baby and he's

- So little.

- God, I haven't seen
these since then.

I mean it's weird how I was
all gung ho to film everything

and then just not.

- Okay, you had some
stuff on your mind.

- Ah, that's Paula.

- Yeah, let's pretend
we're not here.

Seriously, we could be
having sex right now.

- Super idea.
- Mm-hmm.

- No.

It's ladies night.

- Wow hating it, okay.
- Let's go.

- I don't even know what you...

Ew.

- What's in that?

- Everything, I put
everything in there.

- Oh, god.

We have to get out of here.

- What, you want a beer?

- You smell like beer.

- You want a bagel with shmear?

- You guys, this is
good, this is good.

Good, good, good, good.
- We did good.

- We should go.

- Oh come on, Debbie hasn't
even taken her top off yet.

We need to wait.

- Alright Debbie, five
minutes for that to happen

or, or two lumbersexuals
pass by, and then we can go.

One, there's one, one.

- Debbie, drink up.

- Alright we're almost
there, it's so close.

It's so hot, you should
probably take your top off.

Hello?

Yes, hi, hi Mr. Lewis.

Yes.

- I'm gonna go dance.

- When I was a young child
I liked to come here.

What's up?

- Dad's landlord.

- Mr. Shitsburg?

- Yes, there's music and he
says he's calling the cops.

Drew's on his way over
there, I have to go.

- Okay, you gotta go.

- We're going?

- Yep, we gotta go

now.
- Not now.

Oh but Debbie, she hasn't
even taken off her top yet.

- Really bitch?

That's like the third time
you've bumped into me.

- What?

Really?

- Yeah, watch
where you're going.

Apologize, you need to
say sorry, seriously.

- Oh you're kidding right now.

See, I was gonna make it okay.

I pushed you.

- Uh, yeah.
- Did I push you like that?

- Wow you did

not just do that.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Did I push you like that?

- No it was like this.

- No it was more like that.

- Oh god, Jesus lady, come on!

- Clyde?

- I'm calling the
police, you hear me?

- Yes, Mr. Lewis.

I'm very sorry, I'm gonna go in,

I'm gonna turn down the music.

Don't worry about it, okay?

- I'm calling the police.

He loves his music.

You know what I love?

- Your tank top?

- I love a good bagel
and cream cheese

and a nice glass of 2% milk

and my peace and quiet.

I won't have it anymore.

- Okay, it's fine, fine.

Just please sir,
just go back inside.

- He's out by the
end of the month.

- Look, just give him a chance.

- I'm done.

You and that lady can just

take him.
- What?

What'd you say?

No.

That's my wife, okay?

I don't want you even
thinking her name,

you understand that?

If you're gonna say any
more dumb shit right now,

I'll have the city inspector
around here so fast.

Shut the hell up.

- He's out by the
end of the month.

- Fine.
- Already started

the paperwork.
- Fine, stop talking.

Piss off back inside.

- What's going on out here?

Are you a taxi driver?

- No, Clyde it's me.

Bailey's husband, Drew.

- Oh well, come on inside.

- You asked everyone?

- Yep, just about.

Nobody smokes cigarettes
anymore, they all just vape.

- It's because they're tourists.

Ugh.

Where is the car?

- Mm, Uber says 15 minutes.

- Paula.

Did you see her face?

- She's fine.

- You looked?

You looked at her after?

Did you see?

- She's okay, she...

She was stupid anyway.

- Wilma.

Will you do me a huge favor?

Will you find me a cigarette?

Just one, just one.

Remember that time you guys?

When it was the whole
class was burpees

for the entire hour
and that's all I did?

Please help me, please
get me anything, please.

- That was mean.

- I'm mean.

I'm mean now.

- That was a hell of a sandwich.

- Glad you liked it.

- You did good work Drew.

- You remember who I am?

- Sure.

You're the other man
in my sweet Bay's life.

- Yeah well I think her heart's

always gonna belong to Daddy.

- So how's it going?

You treating my
little girl right?

- Yes, absolutely.

Yeah.

I don't know what
the hell I'm doing.

It's like they should give
you a map for this crap.

All this stuff comes up, right?

And you just, you're trying
to like stay on top of it

and you just...

Whatever you do, just more and
more stuff keeps piling up,

you never...

I feel like I can
never fix it, right?

I just wanna fix it, but
every time you fix something,

something else comes
up, every single day.

- It's like trying to hold
water in your bare hands.

- Yes, yes, exactly you know?

It's like trying to hold water

and I need this water.

And I can't afford
not to get it right.

- You know what I know?

Love's the answer to everything.

And a bucket.

You need something to
hold all that water right?

I mean if you're the one
standing by the hole in the dam,

you're gonna need a
mighty strong finger.

If not, get ready for the flood.

My Bay, she's a
hell of a swimmer.

We would tread water for days.

So you might wanna stop trying
to hold onto all that water

and start treading,
or maybe float.

She'll float with you.

- You have got to lock the door.

- It's a little creepy.

- God, why aren't we
doing that every night?

- Because we're stupid.

You, mostly.

When did bar fights
make you so horny?

- Oh it was a life
affirming thing.

- You wanna talk about it?

- No, I don't.

It was embarrassing
and mortifying and

no I don't wanna talk about
it, I just want you to be here

and perfect and warm and you.

- Done.

- Dad was...

- Aw.

- Hmm?

- Hon, it's time,
you know he's...

- Okay, I
mean I know the place

that I would want
him to go, I was just

waiting for it to get bad.

- It's time, it's bad.

What?

- Do the thing.

Do, do the thing.

- Oh, no, no.

- Do the thing,

do the thing.
- No.

- Come on, I need it,

I need it.
- I don't want it,

why?
- I need it.

- Oh these look perfect.

To want for love
it for the action.

Ah!

- What's happening?
- I love it.

It's good, nothing disrupts
the series when I get going.

Okay.

♪ Hurts so much, I
can't believe it, ♪

♪ but I'm gonna
keep on doing it ♪

♪ because you have
fucking cancer. ♪

- Yes, yes, more kicks.

- That?

What, this old thing?

This old thing?

Fucking 360 shit.

Love that.

You see that shit?

- I did, I saw it.

I'm gonna
have an aneurism.

- It's happy sometimes,

sometimes I get so
happy when I dance.

Smooth jams.

Oh pancake.

Pancake.

Mm, babe you're my griddle.

- No you're so gross.

Ew, you're sweaty too.

- Hey Max is worried about you.

- About the cancer?

We talked.

- The cancer, the Dad,

your reactions to things.

- Wait, he said this to you?

- Not in so many words, but...

- In what kind of words, Drew?

In his words?

In your words?

What kind of words
were said actually?

- Babe come on,
don't get all...

- What, what, obsessive?

Psychotic, violent?

- No, I didn't say any of that.

- Hmm, no well I get it though.

- No, no, you infer it.

- Well that's how most
feelings are conveyed by men.

- Well that's how most
women extrapolate or,

this is ridiculous,
what are we doing?

- This is fun, Drew,
this is so fun.

This is what I need right now.

My dad is checking
out and I have cancer.

- What, that is so unfair.

What am I supposed
to do with that, huh?

That's like the mic
drop of the universe.

Stop.

- You stop.

- Bay.

- Look I know that
this is the part

where we're supposed
to kiss and make up

and it's all fine
again, but I'm mad.

I'm mad at everything and I
will eventually come up for air

but right now, mad is working.

- Well in that case, piss off.

- Better, better.

Okay we have balloons, right?

- Yep.

- Okay good because Alonzo
is very attached to those.

Hey are we okay?

- Yes I'm
just shitting, hon.

You taking that off the list?

- Mm-hmm.

- Hon, everything is fine.

Everything is gonna get handled.

You just gotta
trust me, alright?

- Okay.

Alright so I'm
getting party favors and...

Oh, oh.

- What?

- I still haven't told Scout.

I mean about the entire surgery.

I kept waiting, oh my god.

- Shit, me too.

- Okay, okay.

I'm doing it now, I'm
doing it right now.

Okay this is bullshit.

Remember when Mommy had Scout

and I had to go to the
hospital for a couple days

and you stayed with
Ishi and Pop Pop?

Well Mommy's got to go
in the hospital again.

- This was last time
when I was four.

You were just a baby.

- Aw look how little you were.

- A doctor is going
to do something

called an operation on me.

No, you're gonna be
at Ishi and Pop Pop's.

You know how sometimes you
get a school note as a kid?

- Just listen, okay?

- Fine.

- That's what a doctor's gonna
do for Mommy in a hospital.

A doctor's gonna go in
and get the booby out.

- The boo boo.
- The boo boo.

- Why'd you call it a booby?

- Well the boo
boo is in my booby

so the doctor is gonna,
you can't see it.

- Okay.

- It doesn't show, it's
inside, under my skin.

- They did an
x-ray and they found

an ouchie in there.

- No, no the doctors
are gonna make sure

Mommy has lots of good
medicine so nothing hurts.

They're gonna go and they're
gonna get the boo boo out

and then Mommy's gonna come
home with these bandages on

and then they're
gonna send me home.

♪ Please ♪

♪ Don't go away ♪

- You okay?

- Yeah.

You okay?

- I was just thinking,

where am I gonna possibly
deposit this pesky boob

and here we are.

- You're an idiot.

I love you.

- Even all jacked up?

- Especially.

It makes you really
need and appreciative.

Come here.

- Lucine
to ICU please, Lucine to ICU.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Any word?

- Doctor came by
about an hour ago

and said that the uh...

They checked the lymph
nodes and it hadn't spread,

so that's good.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

- Paging
Dr. Stavis, Dr. Stavis please.

- They still gotta finish
up the surgery but,

and biopsy the
tissue but you know,

just wanna make sure
it's not invasive.

I sent everyone else home.

- Okay.

- What are they gonna do, right?

- Yeah.

Are you sure about--

- Mm-hmm.

Yes.

He said he wanted to come.

I gotta let him.

- Nah, no you're right.

You're doing the right thing.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

You're good.

Okay.

- I'll call you.
- Yeah.

- Thanks for coming by.

Hey.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Look at me.

Who's this guy?

Sit down.

So this is what we
do, we sit here.

You scared?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, me too.

There's nothing wrong with that.

You know she's
gonna be fine right?

And I'm very proud of
you for coming here.

I love you.

- I love you.

- The first step to recovery
is admitting you got a problem.

- I need one of them
grab, grabber things.

The grabby, the grab things.

- A hand?

Ooh, somebody's
got a shiny ladder.

- Don't even talk to me,
you're a traitor, okay?

- I got you those
damn balloons, didn't I?

- You gonna be okay
for a little while?

Did you OD her?

- I haven't even
given her today's yet.

- I'm fine, I'm fine.

My tongue was numb.

I said, I have Zo,
do you have the list?

- Yeah I got the list, okay?

I got three places to go and
I'm gonna take Lance with me.

- Wait. Why?

- It's gonna be fine.

- Why do you have a ladder?

- Ooh, maybe he's
just happy to see me.

- That makes zero sense.

I need to go to work.

- Wait, well what
about the kids?

- Kids are fine, Paula's gonna
pick them up from school,

we got Marty Poppins here.

You're gonna be asleep
all or like on Vicodin so,

I got it, don't worry.

- Wait, wait no,
you can't got this.

You can't just got this, okay?

What if none of
these guys work out?

We promised Scout
something really special.

She's been talking
about it all week.

- Honey, I said
I got this, okay?

- Well you can't just got
this and go out to work.

You can't double book.

- Honey, I need to
go to work, okay?

We need the money right now.

- We need to take care of Scout.

- Scout's fine, you're
the one that's kinda--

- Oh I'm the one, I'm the one.

Okay it's me, do you see that?

It's me, it's all
about me and my thing.

No you, you can't
screw this up, Drew.

- Yeah I'll try not
to screw it up, okay?

- Oh my god.

- I love you, please
take care of her for me.

- Drew, ouch, you
can't walk out,

I can't follow you,
that's not fair.

Shit.

Shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, ow.

Shit, ow.

- Elizabeth Taylor, how's
this working out for you?

- It's not.

- Geez.

- Wait did you just call me fat?

- Not exactly.

- Seriously?

After all of it, after
cancer and Dad and the party

and no money and whatever?

I know in my head those
are all gonna be okay.

That, I can't do that, I
can't do that with him.

If he and I aren't okay, I
feel like I can't breathe.

And I'm the one that's making
it not okay for awhile.

I just can't right now.

- Stop.

You need to prioritize.

You killed the cancer
beast, and you live to tell.

You're here.

Now, you're ass got problems but

they're quality problems.

Being so in love you
can't fight right?

Quality problem.

Ones frankly I wish I had.

I'd kill for.

It's a problem, yes.

But,

one born out of abundance.

Mm.

I said that, bam.

♪ I know she feel me ♪

♪ I know she got the big
bum, come and get me ♪

♪ I know she got me ♪

♪ I know she want me ♪

♪ I feel when you're
looking at me ♪

♪ Nothing like the swagger ♪

♪ Swagger ♪

♪ Swagger ♪

♪ Swagger ♪

♪ I see her trippin' 'cause
she know I got the moves ♪

♪ Got that smooth move gotta
do anything like I do ♪

♪ Won't need you ♪

♪ Won't need to hustle 'cause
you know I got the muscle ♪

♪ And now I'm-a serve it up
right with that attitude ♪

♪ Mommy's a looker and I
know she like that style ♪

♪ The fresh Abercrombie
keep her happy for a while ♪

- I usually find
magicians creepy.

- Because they're
touched by gods.

- Wow.

- He's kidding, he's kidding.

- Okay.
- Oh you almost took,

that's great.
- You got us.

- Wow rough day?

- Yeah just a little bit.

- Three.

- So.
- So.

- Okay I get it, you know
I'll just cut to the chase.

I book magicians,

myself included.

- So like a traditional
kids birthday party, right?

- Do you have a dollar or
a bill, any kind of bill?

Can't explain it can you?

Neither can I, it's magic.

Right?

- Wow.

You're good.

- You like that?
- Yeah.

- That was kinda awesome.
- That was amazing.

- Saturday, you busy?

- Uh let me check my, no.

- Excellent, excellent.

Stop it.
- Is it dead?

- Yep, it's dead.
- Dead bird?

- Clyde.

Clyde.

Clyde?

Clyde!

- Get off me!

- Okay, it's okay, it's
okay, it's okay, it's okay.

- Who are you?

- I'm Drew, I'm Drew.

- I don't know you.

- Yes, yeah you do.

I'm your son-in-law,

Bailey's husband.
- Get out of here.

How'd you get in here?

- Keys, I have keys.

Hold on, look.

- Keys?
- Yeah.

Okay, can I show you?

- What?
- I got a picture.

You hit your head, okay?

Sit down.

I'm showing you right here.

You know me, we
are friends, okay?

Who's that?

Little...

- That's little fish, yeah.

And then the kids.
- Then the kids.

- Who's--
- That guy.

- Hi.

- How you doing bud?

- Hit my head.

- I know.

So I'm gonna get you
an ice pack, okay?

- It hurts.
- I know.

- Yes.
- Okay.

We're good right?

- Yes we are thank you.
- You sure?

- Okay.

- Your resume looks amazing.

Thank you.

You know, let me, let me.

- Thank you.

Hello you.

Is he okay?

I'm coming over.

- Well Clyde's doing better.

Everyone's getting
dressed right now.

Are you sure you're okay
watching them for a little bit?

- Sure, it'll give us time
to get to know each other.

- Thank you.

What is that?

- Goo, it's awesome.

- Yeah, you gotta touch
it, it's super cool.

- It's just
cornstarch and water.

- Seriously, do it.
- I figured it'd keep us

busy for a bit.

- Ew.

- I have three nieces
and two nephews so

you learn to rely on
the little things.

Kid love their messes.

- Hey, you're not by chance
a serial killer are you?

- No.

- You a klepto?

- No.

- What about a cult member?

- No.

- Well you're hired.

- Thank you.

But I only think I can help
you in a limited capacity.

Your father-in-law,
he needs more.

He's getting to a point
where it's dangerous

for him to be on his own.

He's going to need
assisted living,

and sooner rather than later.

- Bailey's gonna be
a tough sell on that.

- It's not surprising.

She's a very strong woman.

I speak from experience.

The thing about being strong
is that when you do that,

you are that for long enough

and you begin to
forget how to stop.

The really strong
ones, they're the ones

that can let themselves
break a little,

just enough so someone
can help mend them.

You just wait for that break.

- You okay?

Just gonna be gentle.

Does it hurt?

It's okay?

That hurt?

It's really good.

She did a really good job.

Yeah.
- Yeah?

- No she did a really good job.

- Okay.

- You're gonna like it.

- Okay.

- I love you.

- I love you.

Okay.

Okay.

- You're back.

- So the food is done

and the cake is...

- In the fridge.

Lance picked it up
on the way over.

- Oh Lance is doing
the creeper thing.

- You're kidding me.

- Yeah, can you stop it?

- Lance?

- Hey what's up beautiful lady?

I see you.

What?

- Dude, you have to stop
hitting on all the moms.

- I'm not doing that.

- You totally are.

They're all married,
they all have kids,

and you're kind of
freaking them out.

- Okay fine.

Alright?

Hey didn't I see you
at the sandbox earlier?

- We're completely here.

I don't know.

- That was you.

- Oh my god,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Are you kidding me?
- What?

- Just there.
- We had a moment earlier.

- Do me a favor.
- You weren't there.

- Lance, go watch
the trampoline, okay?

There's like 10 kids in
there, you're in charge.

That's your zone, yeah.
- Right now?

Cool, six!

- Yeah,
you got a mission.

- So in 30 minutes, the
pizza, then kid activities,

then at one p.m., Frank.

- Hap.
- Hap.

- Yeah, it's 1:30.

- Hap at 1:30

and his magical parades.

- Yes, way to go with the flow.

- Going with the flow is
kid party suicide, okay?

Parents all get trapped
waiting on the cake

and you don't hold
your guests hostage.

- Okay, honey?
- Yes.

- I got this.

- You do got this.

So freaking cute.

Just making little
checks on my list.

Plus pretty sure I
double dosed my Vicodin.

- You're kidding me.

- Woo!

- That explains a lot.

- Maybe, or maybe not.

- Love you.

- I love you.

Bubbles.

Oh.

- Nope, absolutely
not, sit down.

Scoutie!

Come here.

- So everybody's good?

- Yep, all good.

- Okay.

- Don't worry Mom,
Dad's got this.

- Yeah he does, baby.

- When's the bunny guy coming?

- Bunny guy is soon.

- Hey you know what?

Why don't you go get a brush

and I will give
you some cornrows.

- Okay.

- Awesome.

You

are on a shitload
of drugs right now.

- Okay, define shitload.

- Alan?

Alan.

Can you come inside for
a little bit please?

- Well it's all I can see.

It's bizarro.

- Hey.

- Who is that?

- I have no idea.

- Holy shit.

- I don't, it might
have been like

a language barrier or
something, I don't get it.

- That's an edible nightmare.

- No, I need some
solutions here, okay?

Work with me.

- Wow, is this blood?

- I don't know.

You know, maybe
it's not that bad.

- Come on, man.

Dude if you take that out
there, you're getting divorced.

- Okay, I get it.

Hello?

Um yeah, Hap.

Hey, what's up? Yeah.

Uh, wait, no.

No, no Hap.

You get off the freeway and
you take side streets, okay?

Hap, Hap.

Hello?

Uh, something.

- Okay.

- Uh hey babe?

- Yeah.

- We might have
a slight problem.

Hap, the magician that we hired.

Well he was on the 118 and
there's an oil spill there

and there's not a chance in
hell he's gonna make it today.

Okay?

So that's what it is but I think
everything's gonna be fine.

- Okay.

- Because you know what?

I got this.
- You got this, yes.

I do think that you got this.

I do, I do, I seriously want
you to got this but, um,

you know, now would
be about the time

that you would go
about getting it.

- The cake.
- Yeah, yeah.

Also my Dad is locked
in the bathroom

because he can't
find his guitar.

He's freaking out a little bit

and nobody knows that
there's a cake so

these would all fall under
the getting this category.

- I got it.

- Awesome, I love you, okay.
- Love you.

- Drew?
- Yeah?

- Is there anything
I can help you with?

- No, no.

Yes, actually.

Can you help Bailey,
or actually help Clyde.

Go find Clyde and just
take care of him, okay?

Thank you.

- What?

- I thought cancer was
supposed to soften you.

- Three second rule.

- How many burpees
in a cupcake, Helene?

- Excuse me.

Sorry.

- Close the door,

close the door,
- Alright,

where is it?
- Close the door.

- Look better?

- No, mm-mm, no.

What the hell is that?

- I think it's a chupacabra.

A vampire goat killer.

- I can't, I
can't even look at that.

- Okay I got a plan.

- What?
- Go get me some cornstarch.

- How much?

- All the cornstarch
you can find.

- Okay.

- What do you want me to do?

- I want you to go out there
and entertain the kids.

I want you to
entertain this party.

- Are you serious?
- Yeah.

- You're not messing with me?
- Not messing with you.

- I get to do this?

- You get to do this.

- This is my show.
- You can go out--

- It's a one man show.

- It's pivotal, it's the role.
- Can I dance?

- Yes.
- Can I do the dance party?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Can I make fart noises?

- Yeah, okay.
- Just a little

- Sure.

- Seven.
- Seven, Lance, it's seven.

- I got this.
- You got this.

- For you man.
- Okay, can we go now?

- Going right now, doing it.

You watch, just watch,

- Oh my god.

- How do you lose
a freaking guitar?

I mean it's not like a goddamn

earring, right?
- I don't know,

but you know what, I got this

because you keep
checking the same drawer.

- Well that's just stupid.

- Yeah, why don't you
let me handle this?

- No, no, no.

I...

I can't take care of my kids,

I can't throw a goddamn party,

I sure as shit
can't cure cancer,

and my dad's losing
his freakin' mind.

- Mom?

- Oh, baby.

God.

Come here baby, come here.

You know how sometimes when
you're super frustrated

and you just wanna scream?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well Mommy gets that

a lot.
- Really?

- And you wanna know what I do?

- What?

- It's super secret.

Just between us, okay?

So much better.

You wanna do it?

You're gonna do it? Okay.

- Me?
- Yeah, rock it, ready?

- Nice, that was good style.

You feel better?
- Yeah.

- Me too.

- Uh, is the magic guy here yet?

- Oh baby.

- There you are.

Hey do you wanna help
me out with something?

- But what about the bunny guy?

- I can't even think about that

because I got a secret mission
for you, if you wanna do it.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

No, I'm not gonna let you do it.

- No.

- Come on let's go.

Okay.

- Dad's got this!

- Bailey, your
dad's totally fine.

He had a little accident

but I borrowed a
pair of Drew's pants.

He's asking for you right now.

Do you want me to stay and help?

- No, I got this.

Thank you so much.

- What's up!

Are we having fun?

Isn't this the best birthday

you've ever been
to in your life?

Come on!

Do a little of this.

And there's a little
disco, little disco.

Like Sabbalo The
Buffalo, nothing.

Do the crazy dance!

See how much fun this is?

Whoa!

- I'm so embarrassed.

- Can I tell you
something though?

I pee my pants
every time I sneeze.

Seriously.

It's like standard
practice around here.

Drew does it just for fun.

- Oh.

- I love you, Pop.

- I love you too, little fish.

- Yeah.

- Okay, cool, cool, cool.

I need you to, that's good,
that's good, that's good.

Zo, I want you to bring the
goo and also grab the cake.

- The creepy cake?

- No, not the creepy cake.

The perfect,
perfect cake, right?

The perfectly great cake
that we have, yeah, okay.

And honey I got a little surprise
for you my little genius,

come on let's go.

Uh oh, uh oh, slimy hand.

- Oh boy.

- Yes and that is the
comedy portion of our party.

- Thank you guys,

you've been the best audience
I've ever had in my life!

- Now we're gonna get messy!

- Yeah!

- This is gooey.

You know what?

I think we should get
Lance's butt in the goo!

Get his butt in the goo!

Come on, let him put
his butt in the goo.

- Butt in the goo!

Butt in the goo!

Butt in the goo!

Butt in the goo!

Yeah!

- Alright!

Oh, the precious goo!

- Get the cake!

- Get the cake?
- I'm really hungry!

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Cha cha cha ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Cha cha cha ♪

♪ Happy birthday dear Scout ♪

♪ Cha cha cha ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ And many more ♪

- Daddy, it's creepy.

- It's what?

- It's creepy.

I like it.

- You do?

Want a bite?

- It's a cake fight!

- Who wants a bite?

Dig in, dig in!

Cake fight!

Hold on, save a little bit!

I wanna dedicate a
piece to my wife.

- Yes.
- So sweet.

- So sweet.
- Aww.

- With your permission.

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Yeah.

- Woo!

- Ew, you guys are the worst!

Nobody helped me!

Nobody helped me!

- Hey, I love you.

Look what we did, huh?

It's okay?
- You did good.

- I did good?

- You did good.

- I did good.
- You did good!

It's not bad!

- Happy birthday Scoutie.

Best party ever?

♪ I feel free, free, free ♪

- Okay!

♪ I feel free, free, free ♪

♪ Sunrise to a brand new day ♪

♪ Bright eyes light up the way ♪

♪ Yeah as far as I can see ♪

♪ Yeah I'm free, free, free ♪

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ And to love is to live ♪

♪ And this life is a gift ♪

♪ And I've got more
than I could give ♪

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ And to love is to live ♪

♪ I got more than
I could ever want ♪

♪ And this is it ♪

- Guys, guys.

♪ It won't take much
to make me smile ♪

♪ Simple things make
this life worthwhile ♪

♪ And it ain't hard to see ♪

♪ When you're free, free ♪

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ And to love is to live ♪

♪ And this life is a gift ♪

♪ And I got more
than I could give ♪

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ To love is to live ♪

♪ I got more than
I could ever want ♪

♪ And this is it ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ To love is to live ♪

♪ And this is it ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And this is it ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ To love is to live ♪

♪ And this is it ♪
♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ And this is it ♪

♪ Blue skies
stretching over head ♪

♪ The sweetest song
got me out of bed ♪

♪ And that sun will rise ♪

♪ Shining bright,
bright, bright ♪

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ To love is to live ♪

♪ This life is a gift ♪

♪ And I got more
than I could give ♪

♪ To live is to love ♪

♪ To love is to live ♪

♪ I got more than
I could ever want ♪

♪ And this is it ♪ ♪